Charlie Sheen Praised As Hero After Saving Prized Family Possession From Fire

Posted on July 22, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Neighbors of outspoken, controversial and unpredictable actor Charlie Sheen are calling him a “hero” after he heard a 10-year-old girl crying for her “giraffe” and ran into the neighbors burning bamboo hut and within seconds emerged with little Katie Edenstein’s pygmy giraffe, a rare miniature giraffe which typically only grows to be five-inches tall.

Paul Edenstein, the girl’s father says he had been grilling shark in the family’s backyard located next door to Sheen on Mulholland Drive in Beverly Hills, and went in the house for a brief period, “I had just throw some shark on the grill and I ran inside, for maybe two minutes to get some seasoned salt, when I came back out, I saw the hut completely engulfed in flames, I ran and grabbed Katie, and was shocked when Charlie came running out from the flames with Bernie, her pet pygmy giraffe.” Edenstein told a reporter from the Beverly Hills Ledger. “It was the craziest sight, imagine seeing that. He is a hero,” the father added.

Sheen, who was later seen at a coffee shop downtown, was stopped by a paparazzo and asked about the incident, “Yeah! A little giraffe, it’s all good, crazy Uncle Charlie was jacked up and raring to go, it’s cool man. I’m glad the little guy is okay, I want one now.” Sheen said before getting in his Bentley and driving away, and coincidentally was pulled over for speeding right afterward. Maxwell Roundtree, the paparazzo rushed up to Sheen’s car to ask why he was pulled over, “Oh, you know, running in and out of flaming bamboo huts with mini giraffes, drinking a lot of coffee, I guess I got jacked up and going too fast as always, it’s all good though bro!” Sheen answered happily.

Man Sells Heart To Pay Rent

Posted on July 19, 2015 by JP

CLEVELAND, Ohio-

A local resident of Cleveland has passed away today after responding to a strange Craigslist post months ago. The post has recently been taking down by police, but they report they have a man in custody they believe is tied to the death of James Grace, 27.

According to police reports, approximately six months ago, Grace responded to a Craigslist ad claiming to pay top dollar for a human heart. Long, detailed emails transpired, and police were led to question the ad’s poster, Henry James. In his emails, James explains that he would pay $750 for Grace’s heart. In the correspondence, Grace asked several times if the procedure was safe, and claimed he needed the money to make rent that month.

Grace was found dead in his on apartment, with a large scar that had been stitched up over his rib cage. James is in custody, but lawyers are claiming that the entire ad was obviously a gag, and that Grace was just a “goddamned idiot.”

“Mr. Grace cut out his own heart, and even managed to stitch himself back up a bit before he died,” said Bill S. Preston, Esq., James’ attorney. “Frankly, it is a medical marvel that he was able to do that. I guess it was like when you cut off a chicken’s head, and they run around for a bit. Anyway, Mr. Grace was clearly retarded, in that he thought he might be able to live without his heart. Sorry, but that’s just not our fucking problem. Case closed.”

Currently, James is being held in the Cleveland County jail. He is being held on $20,000 bail. His lawyer says that he will place an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone will sell their body parts and donate the money to their legal fund.

Dad Arrested For Accidently Sending His Daughter A Picture Of His Penis

Posted on July 14, 2015 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

A father of 3 is facing jail time for indecency after accidentally sending his daughter a picture that was meant to go to a female friend.

James Osborne, age 36, sent a picture of his erect penis to his 14-year-old daughter and, after she told her mother, Osborne was arrested and questioned by local police. Osborne has been divorced to his wife for 7 years, but says he still plays a “big, thick part” in their lives. He told police he was unaware that he even made the “silly, veiny” mistake until he was arrested, and claims if his daughter came to him first he could have explained the gaffe.

“It was just a mix-up. This kind of thing happens all the time, really. I mean, my wife divorced me because she found a whole cache of images I had mistakenly texted to my secretary when I meant to text them to her. They had the same name, though, so it was really not my fault. That’s what happened here, too – my daughter’s name is Kelly, and the woman I am seeing is also named Kelly, so it was really just a mistake. A simple boner, if you will,” said Osborne. “It’s really my bitch ex-wife’s fault that everything is just getting so damn hard for me now.”

“This will teach him to take dick pics for every tramp he meets,” said Osborne’s ex-wife, Nancy. “Sadly, we’re going to be paying for Kelly’s therapy for quite some time. I don’t think she’s bound to just get over this any time soon. Hopefully this will teach the bastard to stick to taking pictures of his meals for Instagram, and not that sad excuse for a penis.”

Local police say that “insext” crimes are looked at just as seriously as actual incest crimes, and that this is the 34th case they’ve had of a parent texting images of their genitals to their children this month.

Postal Worker Fired After Putting His Own Feces In Mailboxes

Posted on July 9, 2015 by JP

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

If you live in the Lexington-Fayette area and notice a strange smell coming from your mailbox, don’t attempt to get your mail. A mailman in the area has reportedly been arrested this week after being caught placing his own feces into several mailboxes on his normal route.

Peter Hill, age 45, was caught red-handed by a fellow mailman as he placed human excrement into a mailbox. Chief postal clerk Marion Dunn said she was completely taken aback when she saw Hill putting feces into mailboxes.

“The USPS had asked me to follow him, secretly, on his route one day,” said Dunn. “I did, and we didn’t make it past one house before [Hill] was squatting down, shitting on the ground, and then scooping it up and placing it in the mailbox. I followed him all day, and he did the same thing at 46 houses. To be honest, it was quite a feat. I know I can’t crap on demand like that.”

Hill tells Empire News that he wouldn’t change any of it, and would continue shitting in mailboxes even though he no longer works for the USPS.

“I don’t regret what I did at all, and to be honest I’m glad that I was arrested. It will give me plenty of free time to build up a bulk supply of feces. I was placing my poop in certain mailboxes of people I didn’t enjoy giving mail to. Some of the people left their dogs roam free and I would get attacked on the regular. Others would just do things that irked me like having messy front yards. I had to send a message, and I feel my message came across perfectly – you treat the mailman like shit, you get that right back in return,” said Hill

Man Is Given Sight For First Time In His Life; Claims It Is ‘Too Bright’

Posted on July 5, 2015 by JP

BUFFALO, New York –

After 26 years, a man is given a gift he hasn’t ever had in his entire life. Scott Bruce was born legally blind, and after a surgery was done Tuesday evening, doctors gave him the ability to finally see what the world looks like. It was a new procedure for fixing blindness in people like Bruce who have never been able to see, and doctors were only giving a five percent chance of the surgery even working.

Surgeons in Buffalo were blown away when it actually took but weren’t very happy with how Bruce reacted to his new vision. Apparently he began to complain immediately after the bandages were taken off about how bright everything was and asked if the doctors could place the bandages back on.

“We were excited that he was able to see for he first time in his life, I just wish he was excited as us,” said Doctor Paul Spratt

Bruce has told us that he intends to give a few days of sight but if he doesn’t adjust then he would like to go under the needle again and remove his vision.

“I don’t know how people do it, everything was so bright and it gave me a headache. The sun, lights, television, all of it was way too much to take in, and to be honest, I’d prefer no sight at all over this,” said Bruce.

Doctor Spratt has told us that he will refuse to do the surgery if Bruce does not want to keep his vision, and suggests to his patient to appreciate the fact that he has his sight for the first time.

“Screw him,” said Bruce. “If he won’t do the surgery to reverse this, I’ll literally stab out my goddamn eyes.”

Georgia Man Dies After Triggering Booby Trap He Rigged In His Own Home

Posted on July 5, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

SAVANNAH, Georgia –

In an extremely gruesome and horrific scene, the body of Ernest Gaylord Michelberger, 67, of Savannah, Georgia was discovered severed in half near the waist earlier this week in his home where he lived alone.

Michelberger’s son, Gunner Michelberger, found his deceased father in a state that Savannah Poilice Department spokesperson Melinda Yarberry described as grotesquely bizarre. “After a thorough investigation of the scene and interviewing family members, cause of death has officially been ruled an accident by way of booby trap,” Yarberry said.

Gunner Michelberger said that his father had grown more and more paranoid over the years because of minorities moving into his neighborhood.

“My Daddy was not a racist, and he surely didn’t raise his kids to be a racist, but the fear of getting the house broken into and being robbed grew stronger and stronger. He bought a bunch of guns and learned how to rig booby traps from some book he had,” the younger Michelberger said.

The contraption constructed by the elder Michelberger consisted of an elaborate system of levers, pullies, and two chainsaws, which had push-button starters installed on them.

Yarberry, who held a small press briefing to discuss and answer questions regarding the towns police activities over the past week, made very adamantly that the death of Mr. Michelberger was a wake up call. “Over the years in the state of Georgia, more and more people are injured by booby traps they’ve created themselves. Installing any kind of booby trap is strictly prohibited by law in the state of Georgia. Things likes this happen when people start getting paranoid,” she said.

Man Gets Botox Injections In Penis To Achieve Permanent Erection

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WATERVILLE, Maine –

A Maine man recently began making headlines in the medical world, as Anthony Nature, 28, recently convinced his plastic surgeon to inject Botox into his penis and testicles, causing him to have an erection at all times.

“Mr. Nature has visited me a number of times in the last few years,” said Dr. Carrie Pooler, plastic surgeon at Augusta Health Center. “Tummy tucks, a couple gluteus injections, and now, for the Botox penis injections. This is the first time that anyone has ever asked for this procedure, but I am confident that after Mr. Nature gets the word out, it won’t be the last.”

Nature says that he has never been happier with the results of one of his surgeries.

“I always had a penis that was just average, maybe slightly above average,” said Nature. “Plus, because of my addiction to movie theatre popcorn, I had really bad erectile dysfunction. What I wanted was a bigger, harder penis – longer, not really fuller. Not much, anyway. So I decided that I needed to have the Botox injections into my scrotum and penis. Now I’m erect all the time, and ready to go! The women I sleep with, they’ll never see me soft, so they’ll never know how tiny it is…or was!”

Dr. Pooler says that the Botox, which is actually a poison, will pull the loose skin of Nature’s penis and scrotum back, making the penis appear larger and the scrotum smaller.

“Basically his ol’ bait ‘n’ tackle is looking good, and he’s definitely ready to go,” said Dr. Pooler. “We have a date tonight, actually.”

Nature says that he is extremely happy with his new life, and the constant headaches and difficulty urinating are “totally worth it” in exchange for his newfound giant erection.

Would-Be Bank Robber Foiled By Bad Heart

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SKOWHEGAN, Maine –

Some people aren’t cut out to be criminals, as would-be bank robber, Tommy Perry found out the hard way.

Perry entered the Franklin Savings Bank with a backpack and a note instructing the teller to quickly empty her drawer. Witnesses say Perry seemed to be leaning on the counter as if to steady himself as she filled the bag. The teller had not even emptied her drawer before Perry suddenly fled out the door.

It is unclear how Perry planned to flee the area, but he did not make it out of the parking lot before collapsing.

Police discovered Perry lying between two parked cars, suffering from a heart attack and was detained and rushed to the hospital.

His wife says this may have been a blessing in disguise. “Tommy’s been under a lot of stress. He could’ve had a heart attack mowing the lawn, and we don’t have insurance right now. We would’ve been stuck with those medical bills. Now the state of Utah is footing the bill and he’s receiving the care he needs. All I can do is pray that if he doesn’t make it the life insurance policy will still go through. I’ll never forgive him if this means me and the kids won’t be taken care of.”

Cam Girl Kidnapped By Admirer, Escapes Homemade Dungeon

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, Massachusetts –

Dark fantasy became reality for on-cam erotic performer Cassie Grant, who goes by Lolly Baby, when she was kidnapped from her apartment April 3^rd. Grant was able to gain her captor’s trust, by playing along with his fantasies and telling him she loved him.

“I know what men want to hear. Even sickos like him. When I found myself in his basement, Cassie was worried she was going to die. Lolly took over and went along with the disgusting things he wanted to do to me, and Cassie tuned it all out.

“It took me a couple weeks he trusted me to come upstairs. He had me in a bathtub with all these baby toys when I got my chance to slip through a window. He took my dirty dress with him and went to find another one, so I had no clothes. Scraped myself pretty bad, but I ran through the woods like a bat out of hell.” Cassie eventually made it to a neighbor who gave her clothes and called the police.

Real-world Cassie, told her family that she worked from home as a medical transcriptionist, when in reality she made a living as cam-presence, Lolly Baby. Twenty-two year old, Lolly specialized in “innocent role play” where she assumed the role of a submissive underage girl. She talked to many men, who would give her “tips” to chat with them and perform sexual acts on camera.

One of her admirers took the roleplay so seriously, he managed to track her down, first finding her real Facebook account. Police say the suspect, Fred Wheeler then hired a local private investigator to find her location, claiming he was an ex-landlord, who had been stiffed.

“I thought I was safe. I never gave out my real name. I think I may have let a few details slip about my location. You say things in the heat of the moment. I don’t know. There’s definitely no way I’m going to be able to keep doing this kind of work. Lolly Baby died in there.”

Kids Lure Cats to Death with Laser Pointer

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

Cat owners can sleep a little easier now that suspects have been apprehended for luring at least five local cats to their deaths, endangering unsuspecting drivers. The names of two juveniles have not been released, but the laser pointer allegedly used was reportedly found upon strip-search of the boys.

Distressed neighbors had put signs around the community, warning drivers to be extra cautious.

The Bangor Daily News reports that Bill Dodge, 44, was the hero that finally caught the boys. He had seen the signs posted in the neighborhood and immediately slowed down when he saw suspicious red light.

“Big orange tabby. Smart fella- didn’t follow it into the road. I chased them boys now got a holda one of them. Pinned him down with my knee and dialed 911.”

Jenny Jackson, 37 was the first victim of the vicious trick. “A while off I saw a red light flashing on the side of the road. Then it stopped. I just thought they were messing around with me when I saw the little red dot in the street. A second later I saw the poor cat, and it was too late.

There was such a horrible thud. It was dark so I couldn’t make out much, but it looked like teenage boys in baseball caps, and I heard them cackling as they ran away through someone’s yard. Laughing! I couldn’t believe it. What if I swerved and hit a pole?”