Man Dies From Spontaneous Combustion After Eating Record 107 White Castle Hamburgers

Posted on November 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

In an extremely bizarre incident, a 35-year-old man from Radcliff, Kentucky has died from the medical phenomenon known as Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) while staying at a Holiday Inn in Columbus, Ohio, just hours after breaking the world record for most White Castle hamburgers eaten at a competitive eating competition, sponsored by the organization known as Major League Eating.

Raymond Carter Fitzgerald traveled to Columbus from Kentucky to compete in the 34th annual National White Castle Hamburger Eating Challenge, which took place yesterday afternoon at Ohio State University. Fitzgerald went on to break Joey Chestnuts record of 103 White Castles eaten in 8 minutes by consuming 107 burgers in just under 7 minutes. What happened just 4 hours later has puzzled and shocked medical experts, while proving ultimately tragic for friends and relatives of Fitzgerald.

Fitzgerald’s girlfriend, Molly Owenton, also of Radcliff, Kentucky, told police she returned to their hotel room at about 11:15 pm after making a trip to a local Walgreens to pick up a bottle of Pepto Bismol, stating that Fitzgerald had been complaining of excruciating abdominal pain and gas, when she terrifyingly discovered the deceased body of her beloved, which was still smoldering and smoking when she arrived.

Columbus Police Department spokesperson Edward Stanton told members of the Associated Press that it was a gruesome scene.

“Upon entering the hotel room of Mr. Fitzgerald and Ms. Owenton, police officers reported that the offensive smell was so overpowering that several officers retreated to their squad cars to retrieve their police-issued gas masks. The body of Mr. Fitzgerald continued to smolder for hours. His hands and feet were completely burned off, almost as if he had been electrocuted,” Stanton said. “After hours of investigating, our forensic expert declared that this was, indeed, a very rare case of what is known as Spontaneous Human Combustion. It was also decided that there was no apparent external source of ignition, and the body somehow ignited itself from within. At this time, and after interviewing Ms. Owenton, officials speculate that the build up of gas in the abdomen was most likely the culprit.”

When asked about the case, White Castle management expressed their condolences to the family and friends of Mr. Fitzgerald, and added that they would undoubtedly be sending out White Castle gift certificates to the family for the holidays.

Officials have stated that the case, and its investigation, are ongoing, as police correspond with scientific experts from Ohio State University. Foul play is not suspected.

Landmark Settlement Reached In Moist Towelette Disfigurement Case

Posted on November 20, 2014 by DvanL

WHEATON, Illinois –

Like millions of Americans, Charlotte Buckner enjoys feeling fresh. Sometimes that means using a Wash’N’Wipe moist towlette when she’s traveling on the road. Unlike millions of Americans, Charlotte was recently awarded $6.4 million in damages from Wash’N’Wipe Industries.

“I rubbed myself raw,” said Charlotte, 51. “I was late for an appointment to show our new product line to some vendors.” Charlotte is product manager for a line of negative pressure ventilators, more commonly known as iron lungs. “It was very hot that day and I was dragging the ventilator in and out of my car, up and down stairways – I was so out of breath by the time I got to the last appointment, I felt like crawling in the thing myself.”

Reaching for her handy Wash’N’Wipes, Charlotte decided to “freshen up” before applying a new layer of makeup. “I wiped my face just like I always do, and I didn’t realize my Wash’N’Wipe was actually very dry. I was just so oily and sweaty. I have combination skin.”

The next thing she knew, her face felt as though it was burning. “My face felt like it was on fire,” said Buckner. “I felt burning, and looked in the mirror. I had all sorts of red and blue marks on my face and I immediately called 911. I didn’t know where the nearest hospital was, but they gave me directions. I ran in screaming. They gave me all sorts of shots and eventually the pain went away, but all the red marks were still there. I had to cancel the appointment with the vendor, and we lost the account.”

Charlotte returned home and hired a lawyer. “Originally, I was just going to sue for my hospital bills, but my attorney said ‘go for it,’ so I did. We sued for permanent damage to my face. With makeup, I can hide the scars, but I still look terrible. I frighten children now.”

Has Charlotte stopped using Wash’N’Wipes? “All I can say is that I did enjoy my Wash’N’Wipes for many years before this unfortunate incident, which impaired my ability to fulfill my business duties causing irreparable harm.”

A representative from Wash’N’Wipe Industries told Empire News that the company stands by their product and has millions of satisfied customers. “The packaging must have been damaged during shipping,” said the spokesperson.

Charlotte plans on taking an early retirement as a result of her windfall. “It’s about time I got out of the iron lung game,” she said. “Sales never bounced back since the polio vaccine was invented, so I’m going to enjoy what’s left of my disfigured life.”

New Hollywood Trend Has Celebrities Getting Baby Pig Semen Injections To Look Younger

Posted on November 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Celebrities and movie stars in Hollywood and Los Angeles are always on the cutting edge of treatments to make themselves appear younger and sexier. From lip injections to smoothing out crow’s-feet, there aren’t many things that some celebrities won’t try to keep their famous-faces looking ageless. A new trend in Hollywood has emerged in the last several months, as doctors report that many A-list stars are now skipping the toxins of chemicals like Botox and injecting a much more natural substance – baby pig semen.

“Baby pig semen is an all-natural way to smooth out age lines, especially in the face and hands,” said Dr. Aaron Silver, plastic surgeon at the Goldsmith Medical Center in Los Angeles. “We inject a small amount around the eyes, lips, in the cheeks, or anywhere else that someone would want tighter, smoother skin. Over the course of several weeks, and approximately 3-5 injections, the loose skin becomes completely rejuvenated.”

The treatments are still awaiting full FDA approval, but that doesn’t make it illegal for the semen to be injected by a trained professional.

“Dr. Silver has given me the semen injections several times,” said a Hollywood legend who wished to remain anonymous. “My eyes look like they did when I was 25. I feel so much better about my looks ever since I started getting these injections. Botox is so harsh, and so noticeable. I had my lips done with Botox about a decade ago, and I haven’t felt a damn kiss since. Semen is so much less abrasive on the body. I’m a big fan of it.”

“I know that many people are concerned about the health risks of injecting animal semen into their body, but I can assure everyone, it’s much safer than injecting an actual poison, like Botox – assuming it is done by a trained professional,” said Silver. “I don’t advise anyone to go out to their local farms and start jacking off pigs and shooting themselves up. Leave it to the doctors.”

Silver said that the pig semen injections began in rural Asia sometime in the late 90s, and only recently began being performed in Europe and the United States. There are also several companies developing pig semen creams and salves for mass market production.

Morgue Delivers Living Baby From Pregnant Corpse

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FREEDOM, New Hampshire –

A woman who died in a car accident last week in New Hampshire gave funeral directors at a local morgue quite a scare this morning, after the staff discovered that the woman’s baby, who was thought to have also died in the crash, was still alive. The mortician, Brian Warner, and his assistant, Carlie Neil, were able to successfully remove the baby from its mother, and the newborn is said to be in fair condition at Freedom Memorial Hospital.

“Craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Warner of the incident. “The woman, I won’t say her name out of respect for the deceased, but the woman was brought in a few days ago, and she was a wreck. Just awful. Accident nearly tore her face clean off. You ever seen someone whose face was ripped from their body? Of course you haven’t. I’ve seen worse in my day thanks to that Vietnam Conflict, but not by much.”

“I was just prepping her for embalming, when I noticed that there was something moving under the skin of her stomach,” said Neil. “I honestly thought it could be some sort of parasite. Turns out I was close – it was her baby. Since she was dead already, we didn’t bother with any formalities – we just cut into her and pulled the baby right out. He was pretty lethargic when we pulled him out, but I’d seen enough movies and TV to know one quick smack on the ass would fix him up, and it worked. He took a breath, and he never stopped crying after that.”

Doctors say that for the woman’s baby to have survived 6 days inside of her after she had died is nothing short of miraculous.

“Babies feed off what their mother’s eat and drink – they really are like a little parasite growing inside. A person can’t normally go that long without food or water, and a growing baby needs the nutrition even more. The fact that he made it out alive, I can’t believe it. It’s highly possible that he’s the reincarnated Baby Jesus or something. I don’t know, I’m just a doctor, what do I know? I have to say, though, that this whole situation is a medical marvel.”

NY Giants Football Team Name Protested by ‘Little People’

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Abe Abrams

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey –

It may be hard to see and you may look over it, but if you tilt your head down what you will see are angry little people. Little people ranging from short to ridiculously short have been holding protest outside of the Giants’ home MetLife Stadium for the past week.

“We got the idea from Native Americans protesting the Redskins. If they can be offended, so can we,” said President of the Short and Proud Group Paul Learylocks. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Giants fan through and through, but the embarrassment I feel when I put on a jacket that says ‘Giants’ on the back, it hurts, not to mention the look of disappointment from my wife and kids.”

“He’s not the only one offended at the name Giants, just look around, we have had no less than 20 protesters here since Sunday,” said Short and Proud Group’s vice president, Neil Prescott. “The support we are getting through the mail and internet fills my huge heart with pride; this is more than just a protest, this is a movement. So far we have yet to hear from the NY Giants or the NFL, and this is the first anyone from the media has even asked why we were protesting. I’m sure any day now our little protest will start a media firestorm and the Giants will be forced to change their name. I’m also sure any day now Obama will stick his nose in where it doesn’t belong, just like he did with the Redskin protest. Me, personally, I think the name New York Leprechauns would be a name people of all sizes could be proud of.”

When asked about the protest, NY Giants general manager Jerry Reese seemed confused.

“What? I never even knew anyone had a problem with the name – it’s certainly news to me. Well, the hell with that. Football is a game meant for normal size people, anyway. You know what ”

McDonald’s Restaurants Plans Lawsuit Against Man Who Named His Son ‘Big Mac’

Posted on November 13, 2014 by JP

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Carl Powell, 35, is facing a major lawsuit from popular fast food chain McDonald’s after naming his first-born son Big Mac Powell. Powell feels that the lawsuit is ridiculous, and that they should be paying him for the additional publicity that his son’s name will give them.

“It’s crazy man, I’ve never faced anything like this before,” said Powell. “I hate that a big company like that thinks they can just push around someone small like me. I mean their motto is ‘Have It Your Way,’ isn’t it? No, wait, that’s not right is it? That’s Burger King. I eat a lot of fast food so sometimes I mix things up.”

McDonald’s has yet to comment on the lawsuit, but a letter sent to the Powell household by the company expressed that either Powell change his son’s name, or he’d be sued for millions.

Ironically, Powell’s net worth is just over $4 million dollars, after he won a lawsuit against McDonald’s in the 1990s. The lawsuit against the company occurred because Powell choked on a Big Mac while dining inside of a McDonald’s restaurant, and the entire staff watched him choke, while doing nothing. He lost consciousness, and fell into a coma for weeks.

“When I finally awoke in the hospital bed, a lawyer was standing over my bed asking if I wanted to become a millionaire. It was the happiest moment of my life – well, up until having my baby boy Big Mac. That the reason I named him that, to honor the day I became a millionaire, and because even though one almost killed me, Big Macs are delicious.”

Powell has hired a lawyer to defend his right to name his child whatever he likes.

“This is America, damn it. Where a man can eat a Big Mac, name his son Big Mac, or have sex with a Big Mac, if he chooses. McDonald’s may have given me these millions, but they’re sure as hell going to fight to take them away.”

Man Sues Hospital After Doctor Accidentally Performs Sex Change Instead of Liposuction

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rick Ryan, an aging porno film star that has appeared in over 500 films, is suing his surgeon and the hospital he recently visited for botching a simple procedure. The actor allegedly had his livelihood cut off in what was supposed to be a simple tummy tuck procedure.

“I’m a star, or at least I was a star. I had one of the most recognizable penises in the world. A small amount of liposuction was all I wanted,” said Ryan. “Every guy knows that the smaller the stomach and pouch is, the bigger the penis looks. I’ve had the procedure done in the past, but this time they removed my penis, inverted it, and gave me a vagina!”

“It was all a horrible misunderstanding,” said Dr. Clark Campbell, the surgeon who performed the operation. “I wasn’t even supposed to do the procedure – my partner came down sick, so I finished his surgeries for the day. There was a mix up with the charts it seems, which is unfortunate and I apologize. I didn’t think anything of it when I performed the surgery because, quite frankly, Mr. Ryan’s penis looked like he beat it as if it owed him money. I thought to myself ‘this is a man who doesn’t want his penis.’ Now that I know he was a popular adult film actor, it does give an entirely new explanation for why his dick was so raw and swollen.”

“To be honest, I’ve already gotten some work offers doing some girl-on-girl, but it’s just not the same. I do find myself playing with my vagina more than I did my penis, but this lawsuit is not about pleasure, it’s about money. I’m Rick Ryan, damn it. They took my dick, now I’m going to take their balls!”

Peter Palmer, public relations for Los Angeles Metropolitan Hospital said he doesn’t really understand the complaints.

“This is very embarrassing for us as a medical establishment, yes, although I don’t see why Mr. Ryan is that upset. I’m a big fan of all of his films, but to be fair they were all gay porn and Ryan is a bottom. His moneymaker has always been that ass.”

Man Uses Loophole To Legally Marry iPhone 6

Posted on November 8, 2014 by JP

FRESNO, California –

With gay marriage being a hot button political issue over the least few years, now it appears that people will have something else to argue about. A Fresno man has recently taken to the altar, but there was no person standing across from him when he got married.

Robert Henry, age 25, has been married for about a month now. The thing hat makes this marriage strange is the fact that it isn’t even with a living creature. Henry has found a way to legal marry his iPhone 6, and claims he has no regrets in doing so.

“I waited in line for her for about 13 hours, and when I finally met her, it was love at first sight,” said Henry. “Most people don’t see this as true love, but I’ve never felt this way about any person or other object before, so it must be love.”

Henry hired lawyers in his home state of California to find a loophole in the marriage laws that would allow him to legally wed his iPhone. Once they were able to find that there was no official wording on whether a recipient of marriage had to actually be human, that was all Henry needed to continue with his quest. He hired his own officiate, and tied the knot with his new phone at the beginning of October. He has his marriage license and paper work to back it.

“Most people think I’m looking for attention, or maybe I saw the movie Her one too many times, but that isn’t the case at all. I really am in love,” said Henry.

When we asked him what he would do if he ever dropped the phone in water, or it broke, Henry was speechless. “I’m not sure. That really never crossed my mind. But, I don’t use Jennifer – that’s her name, by the way – as a real ‘phone.’ She comes with me everywhere, sure, but when it comes to making calls or texting and stuff, I have a Samsung Galaxy for that. Jennifer is usually safe in my pocket when I’m traveling.”

For now Henry and his phone live happily in Fresno, and Henry says that he has no plans on ever getting divorced, not even when the iPhone 7 comes out. “Well, unless it’s better looking than the iPhone 6,” said Henry.

Chinese Buffet Hopes To Rebuild Business With ‘Happy Ending’ Specials

Posted on November 7, 2014 by JP

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A Boston Chinese restaurant in Chinatown is offering a new, yet bizarre way to pack the seats at their buffet. King Kong Feast, a restaurant that has been a staple in the city for years but has lately seen a slip in business, is now offering a ‘Happy Ending’ with each meal purchase.

Although the numbers had been steadily decreasing, customers say it is because they have a new chef, and their chicken teriyaki on a stick hasn’t been the same since the change last September.

“We thought we’d offer our customers something they wouldn’t receive at any other restaurant,” said Lee Chow, owner of King Kong Feast buffet. “With this new change, we notice that our customers have been returning more frequently, and that new customers are coming more and more.”

“Personally, I don’t mind the handjob, but do they really have to use MSG grease as the lube?” said customer Mark R., who asked us to keep his last name private. “To be honest, they don’t have to go to these lengths. They just need to bring back their old recipe for their chicken teriyaki on a stick. Those things were delicious.”

Chow said he isn’t concerned with local police, because he says that all police officers are allowed to eat for free, and get the full ‘benefits’ as any paying customer.

“We have policemen who eat here all the time and they love our food and services. It’s a good relief for a lunch break. They have a stressful job, you know,” said Chow. “‘l’ve even been known to do the happiness myself for them, to show my appreciation for their hard work. These men love our foods, and they love our happy endings, too!”

The King Kong Feast buffet is open 7 days a week from 11am-10pm, and they say they don’t discriminate with the happy endings. “Women love a good rub-out after a meal, too!” said Chow.

38-Year-Old Man Sues Parents, Blames Them For His Small Penis

Posted on November 4, 2014 by JP

DURHAM, North Carolina –

David Jones, age 38, is in a heated court settlement this month and the case is raising eyebrows all over the nation. Jones is currently suing his parents, Mary and Jon Jones, but for something that most would agree they had no control over.

Jones has been in court trying to get a settlement for over a month, and it appears his lawyer is making a good case for him.

Late in September, Jones filed the lawsuit in a Durham court that blamed his parents for his very small penis. His defense is that it has caused him depression, anxiety, and problems finding a girlfriend or wife because of it. At age 10, David had a penis that was only 3 inches when erect, and he has confirmed that it has not grown since.

“I’m tired of this little boy’s penis,” said Jones in his court appearance. “I am ashamed of it. I just want to hide my face in sorrow. That’s why I’m suing my parents and making a giant, public spectacle over it, because I don’t want anyone to know how tiny my penis really is.”

Jones’ parents are in shock over the case, and are pleading to the judge that they had no control over the situation. Their claim is that although they wish that they could have provided David with his desired penis size, like a lot of things David wanted growing up, this is just one more thing they had no control over.

Jones parents have admitted that this is an issue he has been upset about since he was a child, but they continued to tell him that it would grow as he got older.

“He always wanted a bigger penis,” said Jon Jones, 61. “He saw me in the shower once by accident when he was about 7, and I think it’s given him emotional distress ever since. I mean, not to brag, but I’ve got more hose than a nervous fireman. If he’s got a baby penis, then those genes came from his mother’s side, not mine.”

“David’s parents have admitted he complained about his penis size, or lack thereof, non-stop growing up, but they did nothing about it. If he was begging for food and didn’t receive anything to eat, his parents would have behind bars years ago. That is the angle my client is taking, and I can tell that people are starting to see things in a different light,” said Jones’ lawyer Joseph Goldsmith.

If a settlement in the case can be reached, Jones has said he will undergo surgery to increase the size of his penis, both length and girth.