Wall, Ceiling Tiles Can Be ‘Scanned’ To Hear Past Conversations

Posted on October 12, 2014 by DvanL

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

Thanks to revolutionary 4D technology developed by Prof. Marlene Cavanaugh at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, there are no longer any secrets.

Cavanaugh, Professor of Optical Sciences at MIT, uses a combination of electron microscopes and good old-fashioned catalog research to examine infinitesimal changes in fiber patterns within acoustic wall and ceiling tiles. Her teams microscopically examine and compare new tiles against used tiles. Depending upon the age, the depth of information revealed can reach back years, and in some cases, decades.

“’Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another,’” said Cavanaugh, quoting Albert Einstein. “That’s where we started. I got the idea when my lab was being remodeled. There was a period of time when the tiles were being replaced, and when the old ones were taken out, I could of course hear conversations that were taking place in the next lab before the new ones were put in. I wondered if the tiles could have absorbed some sort of energy, and if that energy could be tracked.”

Cavanaugh selected a team of students to research building records to find the lot numbers and factories that produced the building’s acoustic tiles. When a match was found, unused tiles were shipped to her lab at MIT and electronically scanned. Used tiles were also scanned and microscopic differences were revealed and converted into sound wave patters developed at one of MIT’s audio labs.

“The process is crude at this point, but we’re making progress,” she said. “Right now we have snippets of conversations, but it’s difficult to preserve the actual physical tiles once they’ve been scanned.”

Were there any secrets revealed by Prof. Cavanaugh and her team of audio-visual experts? She’s not telling. “What I will say is this,” said the Professor. “In this day and age where we’re all mindful of electronic footprints we leave behind, don’t forget that speech was the first advanced form of human communication. What hasn’t changed is that it’s important to remain aware of everything we say. Unless you see your neighbor buying an electron microscope and removing tiles from your walls or ceiling, you really don’t have much to worry about.”

Austrian Scientists ‘Months Away’ From Cloning First Dinosaur

Posted on October 12, 2014 by DvanL

GRAZ, Austria –

Fresh on the heels of her discovery of a new species of flying spider, Professor Althea Thoone stunned the scientific community once again with her announcement that scientists in Austria, working in conjunction with geneticists in the United States, are “months away” from successfully cloning a dinosaur.

The discovery of pre-historic dinosaur dung in a hilly region of Austria was the first step in the long road toward the eventual cloning experiments, as Dr. Thoone explained during an international teleconference. “Once we found the dinosaur poo,” said Professor Thoone, “the question then became, ‘could we find some biological matter within that was not fossilized?’ One of my Austrian colleagues joked ‘Now we’ve put our foot in it!’ He had the lecture hall in stitches.”

Scientists in Austria were able to extract genetic information from the dung by a process very close to what oil and gas engineers in the U.S. call “fracking,” or hydraulic fracturing.

“This was a much like a ‘fracking’ operation, but on a much smaller scale,” explained Dr. Thoone. “It was a fascinating process,” she added.

A series of chemicals was injected into the fossilized dinosaur dung until a solution could be extracted and examined through a spectrometer. Once the spectrometer read the information, technicians were able to identify which dinosaur had produced the dung, and whether or not material necessary for the duplication could be obtained.

“As luck would have it,” explained Prof. Thoone, “we were able to extract enough material from the dinosaur feces to give us enough genetic material to produce a viable dinosaur clone!”

The dinosaur that left his or her droppings for scientists to enjoy roughly 193 million years ago was a Dilophosaurus from the Early Jurassic Period, a dinosaur most people will recognize as the “frilled neck” creature they saw in the Stephen Spielberg film Jurassic Park.

The scientific community is awaiting the results of the Austrian cloning experiments with the kind of anticipation not felt in decades.

“We’re all very excited,” said Prof. Thoone. “First flying spiders, and now, the reappearance of a dinosaur that roamed the earth nearly 200 million years ago! We foresee having some fascinating results to announce to the world very, very soon!”

Breed of Flying Spider Discovered in Central America

Posted on October 11, 2014 by DvanL

TOCOA, Honduras, Central America –

What’s worse – a fear of spiders, or a fear of flying? How about about a fear of flying spiders?

If you suffer from a fear of either, perhaps you may want to read this story with caution. A research team analyzing a dying breed of insect accidentally discovered what they call The tinea volanti, or for us laymen, the flying spider.

“It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen, but also the most fascinating,” said Prof. Althea Thoone, head researcher for The Smithsonian Institution’s Extinction Project. “We were in Honduras investigating the disappearance of Monarch butterflies,” explained Thoone, “when all of a sudden one of my researchers called me over to examine a spider variety she was unfamiliar with. I climbed over to where she was. We were on the side of a mountain. It was truly fascinating and amazing,” she explained.

The professor examined the spider and could not determine which variety of arachnid it was. As she went in for a closer look, what happened next sent shock waves buzzing through the insect community.

“It flew straight up and right into my face,” said Prof. Thoone. “It was startling and so fascinating! I was so shocked, I couldn’t speak. It took off like a hummingbird, with several of its legs vibrating at such a terrific speed, that it was nearly inaudible. Luckily, one of my colleagues was able to safely trap it in a net.”

The team also recovered a nearby nest of immature flying spiders that were preserved for future study. The ‘mother’ and ‘baby’ spiders are currently housed in a climate controlled insect lab in Washington. The full-grown arachnid measures in at almost 5 inches in length, not including the fore-stretched legs. It’s wingspan is an impressive 7 inches when fully opened for flight.

Several of Thoone’s colleagues, who have studied insects and bugs for most of their adult lives, were very happy with the discovery, even if several were a little disturbed by the idea of flying spiders.

“Of all the fears in the world, spiders are right up there for many people, even me, and I study creepy-crawlers for a living!” said Jennifer Charles, a colleague of Thoone’s. “I wasn’t in Honduras when they found the new species, but to be quite honest, when they brought them into the lab in Washington, I literally considered burning the entire building to the ground. They’re truly frightening, I tell you.”

The new tinea volante will be entered into a catalog designated for prospective new species. After a peer review, the spider – if it is of a unique and previously undiscovered variety – will be catalogued as a new entry into the exciting world of insects. Until then, Prof. Thoone is enjoying life in the limelight.

“All this attention – it’s fascinating! I’ve been researching insects and other threatened life forms for over 30 years, and you don’t expect this type of thing to happen. It’s like the holy grail of insect research. I made the cover of Bug & Beetle Quarterly, which is pretty big doin’s in our corner of the insect world! It was a 4-page spread. I’m overwhelmed!”

There’s talk about naming the new spider after Prof. Thoone. “They want to name it The Altheus Thoonicus,” said the professor, with tears in her eyes. “That would be so great, and so…fascinating,” she said.

Man Sets Fire To Restaurant After Ordering Pepsi, Receiving Coca-Cola

Posted on October 11, 2014 by JP

NORFOLK, Virginia –

Gary Bonner, 47, is under arrest this afternoon for charges of arson, after police say he set fire to a local restaurant after an altercation with a waitress over a drink order. According to police, Bonner has already admitted to setting the blaze.

Police reports say Bonner, who ate lunch at the Millstone Cafe every Friday afternoon, went in as normal yesterday around 3PM, but unfortunately for the restaurant employees and other patrons who were dining, something about the Cafe had changed.

“For the past 3 years or so, Mr. Bonner has been coming in here, and always orders the same thing: Turkey club on whole wheat with no mayo and an extra slice of cheese, and a large fountain Pepsi,” said Amy Fray, a server at the Cafe. “Unfortunately though, during this past week we had switched from Pepsi to Coca-Cola, because they had cheaper syrup. Anyway, it didn’t even dawn on me that when Mr. Bonner ordered his Pepsi that I should have told him that’s not what we carried anymore, and that it would be a Coke instead.”

During the week, installers from Coca-Cola had come in and replaced all the equipment in the restaurant and provided their products, but the Cafe had not had a chance to remove Pepsi cola signs, or to amend the menus to show Coke products in place of Pepsi.

“So Mr. Bonner came in, and ordered his usual, and when I gave it to him, I had only walked away a couple of feet when I heard a kind of spraying noise,” said Fray. “I turned around, and he was spitting the soda out of his mouth, like he was choking on it. I asked him what was wrong, and he said ‘I ordered a Pepsi, damn it!’ I told him it was a Pepsi, only because I didn’t want to start a scene, but I agreed to grab him a fresh one. I told him maybe there was something wrong with the fountain and apologized. When I gave him the second drink, he immediately exploded in anger.”

Fray says that it was at that point she explained that they no longer served Pepsi products, and that she had forgotten to tell him when he ordered. Bonner then reportedly stood up, violently flipped his table over, and stormed out of the restaurant. Minutes later, employees began smelling smoke, and the restaurant was evacuated for a fire. Within an hour, the entire restaurant had burned to the ground.

Bonner curiously stayed around the entire time as the restaurant was burning, later admitting that he had set the fire out of anger over receiving the wrong drink. He was immediately arrested for arson and reckless endangerment, as well as possible attempted murder charges, as he knew the restaurant was full when he set the blaze. Bonner said that although he is aware he may be spending many years in jail, he is planning a countersuit over the ‘false advertising’ of the Cafe.

“They still had their Pepsi signs everywhere, yet they gave me a Coke. Don’t they realize they could have killed me? They’ll be seeing me in court as soon as they’re done seeing me in court, if you know what I mean,” said Bonner. His trial date is still pending.

Human Sex Trafficking Start-up Business Discovered On Kickstarter

Posted on October 10, 2014 by Angela Baker

LOS ANGELES, California –

FBI agent Darrell Lynch has made several major arrests in his 14 years with the agency, but his latest is the only one so far to have been based around his teenage son’s choice in TV programs. Last week, Lynch was working from home on his laptop, while his teenage son was watching a new episode of South Park, which was parodying the idea of online start-up companies.

“I got to thinking about what bulls— startup companies there really are out there on those crowdfunding websites. I know that my dumb bitch ex-wife had dumped some of my hard-earned money into at least one in the past, so I knew there had to be more out there, and it was possible they were involved in criminal activity,” said Lynch.

It didn’t take very long researching new online companies until he came across something suspicious on one of the major crowdfunding websites, Kickstarter, where he spotted a supposed charitable mission to Rwanda and Tanzania that didn’t set right with him.

“The online campaign was asking for money to help get girls out of third world countries, but just didn’t seem to be as legit as it should be,” said Lynch. “See, we’re trained to recognize this sort of thing. Certain keywords and phrases stood out, like ‘trade-work,’ ‘special services,’ and ‘selling girls into prostitution to Americans with big wallets.’ After some inquiries, we were easily able to connect it to a human enslavement ring.”

Human trafficking is big business across the world. Owners of massage parlors, serving as fronts for brothels, buy girls from smugglers in impoverished countries all over the world. The victims are trapped here, knowing little English, with the exception of phrases like “happy ending” and “golden shower.”

The FBI has yet to release all the names of those arrested, citing the Patriot Act and the privacy of the enslaved girls, yet they have confirmed the online fundraising campaign was going to use the money to import some fresh faces out of Tanzania. The girls, who had been being lured here with promises of a better life and starring roles in A-List Hollywood films, are sold against their will, and end up being pimped by unscrupulous men and women who own the ‘massage parlors.’

Lynch says, “These funding websites are lucky we catch these kinds of things. If they made that 5% off the top of the revenue generated, enabling the funding of a human trafficking, they’d in big trouble. I’d personally pull the plug on their whole operation.”

FBI shift leader, Karen Crowe says, “We’ve organized a task force to investigate other crowdfunded start-up companies further. Who knows how many groups there are using people’s naïve donations to fund deplorable, criminal activities? Hell, it could be almost as many as the campaigns that are online raising money to turn second-rate TV shows into feature films!”

Indiana Haunted Attraction Fulfills Dying Wish Of Homeless Man, Host Wake Inside Haunt

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

JEFFERSONVILLE, Indiana –

Haunted attraction Industrial Terrorplex, located in Jeffersonville, Indiana (directly across the Ohio River from downtown Louisville, Kentucky) will hold a public wake for a homeless man, who died from injuries sustained after being struck by car, as part of their show until Halloween night.

Carl “Kitty Kat” Heywood, 63, a homeless man hospitalized after being struck by an automobile on September 28th, told his friend, Nik Houpt, who had arrived at Clark Memorial Hospital on October 5th to check on his condition, just hours before his passing, that if he didn’t make it he wanted Houpt and his “other freak friends” to take him to “the haunted house” and let him “rest and say goodbye.”

Houpt told Empire News in an on-site interview at the nationally known haunt Industrial Terrorplex that he did not know what to make of the request, and just nodded his head and told Heywood that he would be fine and to get some rest. “He was in pretty bad shape and I think he knew. I really didn’t realize what he was asking at the time or how meaningful it was to him ya know?” Houpt explained.

As Houpt exited the Jeffersonville hospital he stopped, turned around, and re-entered the building to leave his telephone number at the information desk with instructions to have someone call him if Mr. Heywood’s condition were to change. “About three hours later the hospital called and explained to me that ‘Kitty Kat’ had died peacefully in his sleep,” Houpt said. “My heart just kinda dropped at that point and I kept replaying what he had said over and over in my head. I went and told Terry Campbell, the owner and operator of Industrial Terrorplex, what Kitty Kat had said. I don’t think he knew how to respond to that himself.”

Campbell, who has owned and operated the large, award-winning haunted attraction for several years, said that the more he thought about it, the more he realized what needed to be done. “I knew Kitty Kat didn’t have family, and there would be no service or anything, and I kept thinking about how he always went to extremes to make us laugh – telling tall-tales as if they were fact. He didn’t have anything but the clothes on his back, yet he found a way to make others laugh,” Campbell said.

Campbell would then set into action an unimaginable, unprecedented plan to hold a wake inside the over-the-top haunted attraction during hours of production, which customers would most certainly shockingly stumble upon.

“My really good friend Buffy Marie, who has dedicated a lot of time and involvement into the haunt, also happens to be a funeral director and mortician. I asked her if we could pull this thing off, and that money would not be an issue. We got it all figured out, and realized we could preserve him long enough to keep him laid out until Halloween. So we set up a room with a constant controlled temperature and steady humidity levels, rented a casket, bought him a nice suit, and there he lies. He was a troubled man, but possessed a really good soul. It feels good to know we are here for him,” Campbell expressed adamantly.

Thursday, October 9th at 8:00 pm, Industrial Terrorplex will open its doors to the always excited line waiting in adrenaline-laden anxiety to find out to what extreme the outlandish haunt has in store for them this year. It is anticipated that until word gets out of the wake, the gesture will shock customers.

“It is a risky move, but in the haunted house business we take risks every single year, and this time it is definitely worth it. Once customers enter the room, a greeter will give groups a brief history of Kitty Kat and how he loved hanging out around us all year as we re-designed and rebuilt our haunts, and explain what his body is doing there. It is possibly the first ever wake held in a haunted house,” Campbell said.

Industrial Terrorplex is open Thursdays – Sundays from now until Halloween. For hours and other information visit www.industrialterrorplex.com.

‘Road Rager’ Dislocates Middle Finger, Files Lawsuit Against Woman Who Cut Him Off

Posted on August 17, 2014 by DvanL

AVON, Massachusetts –

Massachusetts fitness trainer Ed “Brick” Malone is at the center of possibly the most unique court case in the state’s recent history.

Last Friday, during a Norfolk County traffic court hearing, Malone admitted, “I friggin’ lost it. I’m driving home from the gym, this jerk almost sideswipes me, so then I flip him off like everybody else would. So then all of a sudden my middle finger gets stuck – I can’t get my finger back down. Now I’m the bad guy? I don’t think so, son.”

“The injury to the patient’s finger is stress related,” said Dr. Bruno Arujo, of Good Samaritan Medical Center, located in nearby Brockton. “Once we corrected the dislocation issue, I found that there was no actual physical damage; however, the surrounding muscles and tendons around Mr. Malone’s middle finger had seized up.”

The condition is categorized as ‘Repetitive Stress Malady.’ “We can’t force Mr. Malone’s finger back to its natural resting position until the muscles ‘decide’ to relax on their own,” Dr. Arujo told the court. “Based on how many times he told me he’s flipped off drivers in the past, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before.”

The target of Malone’s anger, 30-year-old Sondra Houlk testified, “First of all, I’m not a guy. I don’t have the typical ‘girly-girl’ look, but no big deal, because the main thing is I didn’t cut anybody off, and I didn’t sideswipe anybody like he said. I signaled, and I looked over, and I thought he waved me through, but I guess he was really giving me the finger, and that’s what happened.”

“I need to use my entire hand to do my fitness trainings,” said Malone. “I can’t go around town looking like I’m telling everyone to go f— off. Oh – sorry for my bad language, your honor,” said Malone,” accidentally offering the judge the ‘one finger salute.’

Malone is suing for loss of income and defamation of character. “The doctor said he couldn’t help me because of my muscle, so there goes my clients! Somebody should pay and it should be that guy who cut me off,” he said. When reminded by the court that Houlk was female, Malone replied, “I don’t think so, son.”

Malone’s public defender, Susan McCarthy, later spoke to reporters gathered outside the courtroom. “Mr. Malone is the victim here. He was provoked and he reacted in what admittedly was not the best way at the time, but almost every single American driver on the road has flipped someone the bird when ‘road rage’ sets in. Mr. Malone did legitimately fear for his life and for his safety. The traumatic result is that he cannot return to full enjoyment of his life and his profession. I’m confident that we will prevail.”

“I just want my finger to go back down to normal,” said Malone. “I don’t like this at all ‘cause now I walk around town looking like I’m flipping everybody off. I don’t think so son,” he added. “Sometimes I forget about it, like yesterday when I went out to get the paper. I wave to my neighbor, and she tells me to go to hell, and then she slams the door.”

A civil hearing is scheduled to begin next month.