Manager Says Comedian Bill Cosby, 77, Has ‘Committed Suicide’

Posted on January 12, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

DETROIT, Michigan –

Acclaimed stand-up comedian and 80s TV star and actor Bill Cosby, 77, best know for his role as Cliff Huxtable on The Cosby Show, has reportedly ended his career in show business, after making what the media is calling ‘outrageous’ and ‘crude’ comments about his rape allegations.

After several women had come forward claiming that Cosby had sexually harassed or assaulted them, the once-loved comedian and 80s TV star had his life turned upside down. A new, planned TV series was cancelled, a Netflix stand-up special was postponed indefinitely, and even Nickelodeon pulled old episodes of The Cosby Show from its Nick At Night lineup.

Cosby has been heckled several times during his tour. In one performance, a man stood and shouted out to Cosby, “You’re a rapist!” before being removed from the theatre by security. During another performance in Hamilton, Ontario, several members of the audience stood in unison and chanted “We believe the women!”

The final straw reportedly came when, just a few nights ago during a performance, a tired-looking Cosby made a sly reference to a woman in the audience – who had stood up to get a drink during the show – by saying that women will have to ‘be careful’ if they’re drinking anything near him. The crowd reacted with oohs and ahhs, taken aback by the coarseness of the joke.

“I can’t believe he’d make light of raping women like that,” said Jamaica Brown, an audience member. “That’s just disgusting. I don’t know why I even wanted to see him anyway. He ain’t that funny without a Puddin’ Pop in his mouth.”

“I thought it was pretty funny, actually,” said Jim Duggins, who was at the theater to see the performance with his wife of 4 months, Melissa. “Oh, actually, my wife tells me that I was offended by the joke. Sorry, I guess I am upset by it. My wife says rape is never funny, so I’m mad now.”

Initially Cosby’s manager said that the comedian was just ‘overly tired,’ and that he didn’t mean what he said on stage, but then made an official statement this morning, claiming that there was no way that Cosby was ever going to recover from his actions as of late, and that the public would just continue to hate him.

“He didn’t quit the business, per se, but I’m pretty sure his career is just dead in the water after all this,” said Cosby’s manager. “He’s making jokes, on stage, about his rape allegations now. That’s the kind of thing that will kill you. He’s truly committed suicide at this point. Yes, everyone’s favorite sweater wearing TV dad has definitely committed career suicide.”

Pope Francis Praises Attack Of Charlie Hebdo, Demands Retraction After Media Reports He ‘Condemned’ Act

Posted on January 11, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ROME, Italy –

Just moments after the celestial sky above gave way to sunrise above the sacred grounds of the Vatican this morning, Pope Francis has demanded a retraction from media outlets worldwide, after they mistakenly reported that the Pontiff ‘condemned’ the attacks on Paris’ Charlie Hebdo.

His Excellency issued a shocking statement of approval regarding the deadly terror attack on the French satirical newspaper that killed at least twenty-two people. The Vatican’s chief spokesman, the Reverend Federico Lombardi, shared the Pope’s written statement to the media this morning, asking all publications who wish to re-print it word-for-word.

Lombardi appeared ridden with anxiety, sweating profusely amongst the vast sea of media representatives and diplomats from around the globe, as he presented the Pope’s opinions on the vicious attacks.

“Religion shall not be immune to extreme criticism, but its opponents should use rational critique as opposed to mindless mockery in the form of so-called satire. Rational critique can be constructive, building foundations of faith, while senseless disrespectful mockery is detrimental to worldly community cohesion. Those who poke at the ribs of Christ shall face the ultimate consequence of their actions.

Charlie Hebdo deserved the onslaught of terror they have endured for mocking the son of God, as fate has proven. Those who take part in the belittling of Our One True religion will pay the ultimate price at the hands of any forces necessary, whether holy or evil, the work shall be done as a warning to all. This was not about harm at the hands of a vengeful people who worship Muhammad, a false prophet, but an act of a vengeful God, the God, who is tired of ridicule at the hands of the people.

The world has seen the wrath of God, and have learned something from this unfortunate, but inevitable, attack. This is our new world, based on the rules we have undeniably changed. The apocalyptic crusades have come to fruition.”

The statement resonated with apocalyptic-like sentiment, suggesting the Catholic Church’s approval of evil forces, such as the Muslim extremists who carried out the attack, to fight for the sake of belief against all non-believing propaganda, with the results benefiting the Catholic Church.

Pope Francis has been known as the most lenient and unconditionally loving pope in history. Some believe he had simply been playing the role of a master strategist, acting as a paper-tiger, while awaiting the birth of the apocalypse.

The decision to have spokesman Lombardi present the statement, as opposed to the Pope himself, who has not been seen publicly since its release, has ignited profound suspicions of conspiracy.

Victim Of George Zimmerman Domestic Assault Identified As 22-Year-Old Live-In Boyfriend

Posted on January 11, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LAKE MARY, Florida –

George Zimmerman was arrested on Friday, January 9th and charged with aggravated assault and domestic violence with a weapon after an argument.

Today, the name of the victim and his relation to Zimmerman were released to the public. The victim, identified as Zimmerman’s 22-year-old live-in boyfriend, Hector Valenzeula, suffered severe facial injuries and is in stable condition at St. Lucia & Mary’s Hospital.

Police received a call after a concerned neighbor heard the two men arguing very loudly and repeated loud crashing noises. Upon arrival, police officers reportedly found Zimmerman on top of the victim, striking him repeatedly with a miniature Louisville Slugger baseball bat, which was covered in Valenzeula’s blood.

The 31-year-old Zimmerman became a nationally known controversial figure in 2012, after he saw Trayvon Martin, a 17-year-old African-American boy wearing a hooded sweatshirt in his Sanford, Florida, neighborhood. Zimmerman confronted Martin and wound up shooting and killing the unarmed teen. After an extremely high-profile case, which was racially delicate, Zimmerman was found not guilty.

According to Lake Mary Police Department spokesperson Rochelle McCaffrey, Valenzeula and Zimmerman had been fighting after Valenzeula allegedly walked in on Zimmerman and two other men taking part in activities of a sexual nature. The two men, unnamed in the case, immediately fled the residence, leaving Valenzeula and Zimmerman alone. Shortly after, the alleged assault took place.

“He isn’t a boyfriend, though,” said Zimmerman in an interview with police detectives. “It’s true he stays at the house, but he’s more of a live-in, uh, gardener. Yeah, that’s it. He’s a live-in gardener! And uh, a cook! Absolutely no sexual things happen between myself and Mr. Valenzeula. He merely trims my hedges and tosses my salads. That’s all.”

Zimmerman is currently being held on $20,000 bond at John E. Polk Correctional Facility ran by the Seminole County Sheriffs Department.

Kindergarten Teacher In Hot Water After Having Students Draw Pictures Of Muhammad

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Angela Baker

ATLANTA, Georgia –

After finding out what their children have been drawing in class, some parents are threatening to pull their children out of Peach Street Kindergarten in Atlanta, Georgia. Teacher Mary Christian says she has been having the children draw pictures of Muhammad, and that it is ‘all in good fun,’ and a great way for her class to rally behind the massacre at France’s Charlie Hebdo satirical magazine.

“We’ve been doing a unit on other parts of the world, and the kids had just learned about the Eiffel Tower when the terrorists attacked France. Now the kids are hearing things like ‘Terror in Paris’ on TV, and naturally they started asking questions. One of the students asked me, ‘Mrs. Christian, what made these men so angry?’ So this new unit was to help them understand religions.”

Six-year old student Ben explained his thoughts about the drawing classes to The Georgian Gazette Daily News. “Muhammad really doesn’t like having his picture taken, I guess, so I asked Mrs. Christian if we could draw him. My Mom gets really angry if you take her picture, too, but she always puts the pictures I draw of her on our refrigerator. I’m glad mommy doesn’t have guns when she gets mad.”

When asked if she knows who Muhammad is, kindergartener Crystal said that he was part of other people’s “wrong beliefs.”

“Mrs. Christian told us Muhammad is like Jesus in the part of the world Aladdin is from, but he’s got a big beard like Santa,” said Crystal. “I drew my Muhammad with a blue beard, because blue is my favorite color.”

Christian says she doesn’t know what people are so upset about. “I think it is important for kids to know about other religions, so they can understand how stupid they are. Someday they will learn all about Jesus in Sunday school, but I can at least start them early in understanding that Muhammad isn’t real, and Jesus was. Personally, I support Charlie Hebdo, and the job they’ve done in mocking these horrible, sickening religions. I hope that they come back from their troubles and don’t lose their religious edge.”

School officials say they are “looking into the matter,” but so far they have not fired or suspended the teacher from her position.

NBA Star Blake Griffin Pulls Drunk Driver From Moving Car

Posted on January 7, 2015 by DvanL

LOS ANGELES, California –

LA Clippers superstar Blake Griffin is being called a hero today by basketball fans, drivers, pedestrians and members of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), after he was spotted pulling an apparently drunk driver from a moving vehicle in downtown Los Angeles.

“I was stuck in traffic, as usual,” said Griffin to local reporters who had gathered at his home, “and I noticed one car was moving. That caught my eye because the rest of us weren’t moving. I knew something was wrong.”

Wasting no time and demonstrating the quick response and agility that has made him one of the best players in the history of the NBA, the 6′ 10″ Griffin immediately sprang into action.

Leaping from the Kia sedan he had previously jumped over in 2011 to win the annual slam dunk contest, he pulled intoxicated driver Raymond Milland from his vehicle and immediately engaged the parking brake, bringing Milland’s car to a complete standstill to the cheers of hundreds of stranded drivers.

“It was a parking lot out there and I don’t deserve being called a hero,” said Griffin. “Anyone would have done the same, and I’d like to think if I was stuck in a moving car in LA, someone would do the same for me.”

Griffin attributes the incident to being in the right place at the right time. “I was open, I took the shot, it went in, no harm, no foul,” said the power forward. “I first knew something was wrong because my kneecap started tingling.” Griffin was referring to his left kneecap, which he broke during a pre-season game in 2009, causing him to miss the entire season.

“My kneecap’s kind of like my ‘spidey-sense.’ I can always tell when something’s wrong or it’s about to rain. We’re in a drought here in LA, so I figured something was wrong. The poor guy said he had been drinking all weekend and he looked kind of lost. I hope he gets the help he needs.”

Griffin returned to his car after police arrived. Milland was arrested and charged with DUI.

Pharmaceutical Company Mixes Up Aspirin, Birth Control Pills; Public Urged To Check Medicine Cabinets

Posted on January 6, 2015 by DvanL

PHOENIX, Arizona –

If you used Estroblokitol birth control pills or reached for a bottle of generic brand aspirin during the months of October, November, or December 2014, doctors and pharmacists urge you to contact Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals immediately.

Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals admitted today that a labeling error at their Mexico packaging facility caused as many as 6,000 bottles of aspirin, and 3,000 dispensers of birth control pills to be mislabeled – some aspirin were in fact birth control pills, and vice-versa.

Several thousand bottles of generic pain reliever were shipped from the Tijuana, Mexico packaging facility to regional centers across the United States, but authorities are about “83% confident” that the affected products were confined to the greater Phoenix area.

Dr. Lita Hürstvatter, of Phoenix’s St. Joseph’s Hospital, issued an urgent appeal to women across the country – not just from the greater Phoenix area – to immediately bring unused Estroblokitol pills to their health care provider or clinic for examination.

“It is important that we find any women who were mistakenly given aspirin in place of an oral contraceptive, as well as men or women who thought they were taking a pain reliever, when in fact the were issued a birth control hormone. Estroblokitol is a federally controlled substance, and contains potentially dangerous substances, available only with a doctor’s prescription.”

The seriousness of the situation has not escaped the attention of lawyers eager to make their mark on what could prove to be the largest class action suit in history. “Unplanned pregnancies that may result as a consequence of this mistake are just the tip of the iceberg,” said legal consultant Maxine Bleedom, former partner in nationally known personal injury law firm Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn. “This is huge, and I want in on it.”

Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals is taking necessary steps to address all potential cases individually. Anyone who has a prescription for Estroblokitol, as well as anyone who has taken any generic or dollar-store brand of aspirin, are urged to direct questions and concerns to the company’s nationwide toll-free hotline, at 888-276-6760 to obtain a case number and entry into a confidential nationwide database.

Brother Of Osama bin Laden To Run For President Of The United States In 2016

Posted on January 5, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ALTOS HILLS, California –

Shafig bin Laden, the 57-year-old half-brother of Osama bin Laden, who was born in Hawaii, has announced that he will be running for President of the United States in 2016.

The younger bin Laden, inspired by meeting George W. Bush back in 2001 when Bush told him he had a “strong personality,” says he knows it will be quite difficult to gain the trust of Americans because of name, but that he can be very persuasive.

“I truly believe the American people will learn to accept me and my ideas into their collective hearts,” bin Laden said in a statement released by the Associated Press. “Focus not on my last name, but on the individual that I am. I am nothing like my half-brother. I am an American, I believe in America, something he never accepted.”

The native of Hawaii, who carefully and cautiously refrained from saying his brother’s first name, went on to describe the relationship between the two saying that his “older brother” would pick on him as a teenager for being born in the United States.

“A lot of the hatred he had in his heart for America was because of me. It made him feel inferior and we never got along. He resented that I was from the great U.S. of A,” bin Laden said. “I am my own person, I have my own agenda for the greater good of this beautiful country. Open your hearts, open your guarded minds, please do not prevent the sun from its glorious shine.”

George W. Bush, who is a close personal friend of bin Laden’s, said that he hopes that America will see past the name, and look to the man himself.

“If America could handle me running the White House, then by golly how could they not handle bin Laden?” asked the former president. “He may not look American, but I can surely promise you he’s as proud of this country as anyone. Yes sir, he’s as American as shit on the hooves.”

Bin Laden, who expects a lot of negative feedback, says he will not give up on his quest and that if the people of the United States will not accept him in 2016, he will then seek a seat somewhere in the U.S. Government. “In America we say ‘Go Big or Go Home’, well this is my home, but I must go big anyway. If at first I do not succeed, then I will stand back up and try again and again. America is the land of second chances.”

Tom Cruise Critically Injured During Filming Of ‘Mission: Impossible 5’

Posted on January 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LONDON, England –

According to UK entertainment source MovieNews Weekly, Tom Cruise was critically injured during the filming of the fifth installment of the Mission: Impossible movie series in London late Saturday evening.

The 52-year-old actor, who insists on performing his own stunts, was shooting a scene in which his character, Ethan Hunt, tosses an exploding briefcase into the car of a would be assassin, but according to reports, the pyrotechnic-wired briefcase prematurely detonated just after leaving the actors hand. Those on the scene said it was a horrific sight, as Cruise’s groin area seemed to take the brunt of the blow.

“It was awful man. The thing didn’t go off when it was supposed to and the explosion caught us all off guard. Then I heard it. The screams, I will never forget his screams man,” co-star Ving Rhames said. “I immediately ran over to him, and at first I didn’t know what to do, so I just grabbed his crotch to stop the bleeding. It was just instinct, ya’ know? I looked down and I noticed he had his balls right there in his hand; they weren’t even attached anymore. God, I can’t even talk about it. I threw up everywhere. It was the most gruesome thing I have ever seen.”

Cruise was immediately transported to Royal London Hospital, where he underwent a five-hour surgery led by Dr. Frederick Carlton. According to Carlton, the surgery went very well, and the actor is recovering and is now in stable condition.

Cruise, who seems to always look on the bright side of things, said that even if they hadn’t been able to re-attach his missing penis and testicles, he’d still consider himself to be very lucky for being able to do what he does for a living.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that they put it back on, and from what they say, eventually it will look and perform just as it always did very soon,” said Cruise from his hospital bed. “Thankfully, my penis doesn’t play a huge role in Mission: Impossible, so I should be able to get back to work within the next week or two. But because I didn’t want to lose any confidence when it comes to performing and stunt work after this little mishap, I did have them replace my testicles with an even bigger set made from smooth, surgical-grade steel.”

Executives at Paramount Pictures, distribution company for Mission: Impossible 5 said that filming would continue without Cruise while he recovers, and that he is expected to return to work by mid-January.

Historic Empire State Building Scheduled For Demolition; Americans Shocked, Outraged

Posted on January 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Mayor of New York City, Bill de Blasio, held a press conference this morning with news that stunned loyal residents of the great city and has left much of the rest of the country speechless, as he publicly announced that the iconic 103-story historic landmark Empire State Building would be demolished this summer.

“It is with great dissatisfaction that I stand before you today and give you news of unfortunate circumstances. Yesterday afternoon, our beloved Empire State Building was sold to a group of Saudi Arabian entrepreneurs who, in turn, made the unpopular decision to destroy one of the few great symbols of this wonderful country,” de Blasio announced.

The iconic Fifth Avenue skyscraper was sold to the Dallah-Alireza Group based out of Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, who purchased the Midtown Manhattan building for just over $700 million. CEO of DAG, Khalid Ahmed Al-Kazaz, then issued a statement that the group has made the necessary arrangements with the New York State Board of Historical Preservation, who granted the group the right to do anything they wish with the historic structure.

“We come to you today with bright ideas for a greater tomorrow. Our group has voted to demolish the Empire State Building in order to make way for a state-of-the-art shopping center, filled with wonderful stores including cigar and smoke shops, two Seven-Elevens, and a superb hookah bar. It is time for America to move forward and look to the great future,” Al-Kazaz said. “We are also pleased to share the news that many great stores will have bargains on brand name, knock-off clothing and apparel.”

New York residents, livid with the decision, have taken to the streets of Manhattan with protest. Many carrying signs of anti-smoke shop and convenience store sentiment, as well as catchy Pro-American quotes and phrases. “Let’s Take America Back” one outlandish sign read. Many Americans and New York residents have begun to share petitions via the internet.

The Empire State Building is scheduled for demolition on August 3, 2015.

Disney Plans To Kill Off Iconic Character Mickey Mouse After 86 Years As Mascot

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BURBANK, California –

The Walt Disney Company announced earlier today during a press conference that Disney Films would release an animated feature film next Christmas titled ‘The Magical Life and Times of Mickey Mouse’, and Disney spokesperson Michael McDermott had a shocking surprise when discussing the plot of the film.

“The film is, in fact, what the title suggests – it’s about the wonderful and magical life of the great Mickey Mouse and the joy his has brought children and adults alike across the globe since his creation in 1928…until his death in 2015,” McDermott said, as members of the Associated Press shook their heads in disbelief.

“Yes, you heard me correctly,” McDermott stated. “The Walt Disney Company has made the ultimately tough decision when it comes to the fate of its superstar, its timeless hero if you will. In this day and glorious age, we feel it is important to teach children the vast importance of life, and to never take it for granted. This doesn’t mean the legacy will not continue, quite the contrary. It will only spark a tireless celebration of the wonderful life of Mickey Mouse.”

“The Walt Disney Company is about teaching both children and adults alike that the lives we lead are special and magical, but nobody lives forever,” said Disney CEO Don Iger. “It is the collective belief of this wonderful enterprise that in order to thoroughly enjoy something, to really cherish it, human beings need to be reminded that life is short. Live it the best you can, do the best you can by others, use your life to make a real difference.”

“I think this is ludicrous. We grew up having Mickey Mouse around, he made us smile and laugh as children with just the sight of him,” said Marion Calvert, 42, of Phoenix, Arizona “I have two children under the age of 12, and I will not take them to see this terrible film.”

Not everyone feels the same way as Mrs. Calvert, though. Glenn McDaniels, 51, of Salt Lake City, Utah, has a positive opinion regarding the shocking announcement.

“I think it is great. Of course it is sad, but it is important our children grow up knowing they are not invincible. In order for one’s life to truly mean something, they must know it doesn’t last forever. I get it. I will definitely take my grandchildren to see this movie,” McDaniels said. “I mean plus – he’s just a damn drawing.”

The company did not state whether there would continue to be Mickey characters in their theme parks across the world, and also refused to comment on the circumstances relating to the cause of Mickey’s death in the film.

“You’ll just have to wait and buy a ticket and find out for yourself,” said Iger. “The film will be released on Christmas day.”