Actress Betty White, 99, Dyes Peacefully In Her Los Angeles Home

Posted on September 3, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a press release from her long-time manager Jeff Witjas, it has been confirmed today that actress Betty White, best known for her roles on TVs The Mary Tyler Moore Show, The Golden Girls, and Hot in Cleveland, is not a natural blonde.

“Betty is a solitary kind of person,” said Witjas. “She likes to relax in her home with her animals, and she rarely likes to discuss the fact, at least in public, that she is actually a brunette. She has been dyeing her own hair in her home for decades. Betty has often told me she feels it is relaxing and soothing to dye her own hair, peacefully in her home, where she can laugh and enjoy time with her animals. She’s said on more than one occasion that as a blonde, she has had ‘more fun’ in her roles, and in life.”

“Oh, I started dyeing it ages ago when my color started to fade away to a more whiteish, greyish color,” says White. “I thought to myself, ‘Well Betty, if you can’t have the dark color anymore, might as well try on the blonde for a while,’ and it just kind of stuck. When I played Rose on Girls, the joke about my natural hair color made it into several episodes. I’ve always had a sense of humor about it.”

Early pictures of White with her husband of almost 20 years, Allen Ludden, who died in 1981 of stomach cancer, show White as a sultry brunette with a perfect smile.

whiteludden — Betty White with her late husband Allen Ludden, 1968

“Oh Allen loved my dark hair, but later on, as I started to go grey and my hair lightened, he liked the blonde, too. It would be too much work to go back to that dark hair I used to have. Too much to maintain. Besides, I think a new look like that at my age might frighten my animals. They wouldn’t even recognize me!”

White’s acting roles have slowed down in recent years, but she can most recently been seen (or heard) in 2019’s Toy Story 4, and appeared in several episodes of the series Fireside Chat With Esther.

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Piñata Horror: Grandfather Beaten For Candy at Quinceañera

Posted on September 3, 2014 by DvanL

BROOKLYN, New York –

The Hispanic tradition of Quinceañera, the celebration of a young girl’s transition from childhood to maturity, is rich in religious customs, family values and the bonds of friendship, loyalty and responsibility. Young girls look forward to this celebration that often takes years of preparation and planning.

“I waited my entire life for this,” said Lucia Montez, 15, from the Park Slope section of Brooklyn. “But if I had to wait all over again, I would not do it,” she sobbed.

Rather than celebrating with family and friends, Lucia sits at the hospital bedside of her recuperating grandfather, 78-year-old Roberto “Tito” Montez. ‘Abuelo Tito,’ as he is lovingly referred to by Lucia, is recovering from a vicious beating at the hands of a group of children, apparently angered that they arrived late to the Montez family’s celebration.

“We decided to have the big party at The Grand Prospect Hall Ballroom,” said Lucia’s mother Alma. “’We make your dreams come true!’ is what the famous commercial says on television. It is now more like a terrible nightmare that none of us wanted to come true, but it did.”

According to Lucia, a group of six or seven children not originally invited to the Ballroom, crashed the party and were told that they would be welcome at the more informal gathering which was to take place at the Montez family home, later in the day.

“They weren’t even ever invited to come here!” said Lucia, angrily. “They barely know me! They started getting mad so then Abuelo Tito told them if they behaved themselves, they could stop by the house later.”

“He just wanted to get rid of them,” added Alma.

“They didn’t show up until late at night,” said Lucia, “and we were putting things away by then. Abuelo Tito was taking down the empty piñata that was broken already and hanging by a rope. It was a Dora The Explorer piñata and you had to hit her in the head to get the candy to come out. So the kids asked my Abuelo Tito for some candy and he told them to go home, the party was over. Then I heard the yelling and the screaming and then we …” Lucia could not continue.

“We ran outside,” continued Alma. “Those bad kids were beating my father with sticks saying ‘Where’s my candy, Papa Piñata? Can candy come out of you if we beat you now, viejo? More candy, more candy!’ It was a horrible thing to see, and we all pushed them away. Papa was lying there next to Dora, all covered with crepe paper and bruises. Then we came to the hospital.”

Abuelo Tito was able to speak and offer thanks to well-wishers.

“These bad kids, they were not from the neighborhood. They were outsiders and were bored, so they chose our family to cause trouble with. They don’t have enough to do except play games, then they get bored. I forgive them, but I will not forget. I’m a tough old bird, my family says.”

“I have a party ready for him when he gets home tomorrow or the next day,” said Lucia. “Inside for the party, please, Lucia” said Abuelo Tito, sending the room into laughter. “Look, everyone!” he said, “That’s the first time Lucia gives us all a smile!”

Abuelo Tito was treated for lacerations and a mild concussion, and a full recovery is expected. The children responsible for the assault remain at large.

University of Kentucky Suspends Women’s Sports, Football Program Starting 2015

Posted on September 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

University of Kentucky Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart announced in a press conference just hours ago that the University will suspend funding for its football program and all women’s sports for the 2015-2016 season.

The struggling football program has not won an SEC conference championship since 1976, and even then they tied with Georgia making them c0-champions. “We are just not relevant in football in the SEC, moving to a different conference is out of the question. This is basketball country, and for that, we need all the money we can get our hands on,” Barnhart said earlier today. “Operating these sports, paying for the scholarships, feeding the student athletes, making travel arrangements – it all costs us more money than we bring in. This is not a decision we have made lightly, but it has been decided the money, time, and effort would be more suitably spent funding men’s basketball and building a new basketball arena.”

U of K officials had become infuriated with the state’s lack of help in funding development for a new basketball arena. After the state chipped in and helped their long time rival, the University of Louisville, build one of the countries most up-to-date, state of the art basketball arenas, The KFC YUM! Center in downtown Louisville, they figured it was their time. They waited and waited, but the help never came.

“This is a basketball state, and the University of Kentucky is the premier basketball program in all of basketball, yet the state helps our in-state rival instead of us… it’s like a punch in the face. Therefore we have been forced to discontinue nearly all other sport programs,” Barnhart said.

When asked how long the suspension of the programs will go on, Barnhart said that they intend to re-instate some of the programs for the 2016-2017 seasons but definitely no earlier than that. “If everything goes as planned, we will gather all the resources we need to fund a new arena and take care of our men’s basketball team and their families during that year. And then hopefully we can start bringing the suspended programs back into business.”

Kentucky fans do not seem too distraught by the shocking decision. Edgar Williams of Shepherdsville, Kentucky, who refers to himself as a ‘lifelong U of K fan’ said he was glad they were ditching the girls.

“Hell I don’t give a damn about those other sports anyways. We can’t play football to save our damn lives, and nobody gives a damn about girls sports, I mean who goes to watch a bunch of girls play games? Perverts that’s who. Fine by me. This is basketball country,” Williams said.

The University of Kentucky is well-known for its colorful, wild, and wacky basketball fans. In a recent survey taken by a national media outlet, they were ranked the 2nd most obnoxious fans in the country.

Basketball coach John Calipari was asked about the decision to suspend funding for other sports, and he said he didn’t like it but his team needs to be taken care of. “It’s a cruel world, my kids play their hearts out, they deserve to play in a state of the art arena like the one in Louisville. We are tired of being looked at as the inferior program in the state while we are actually the best basketball program in history. So what, that other Kentucky school is good in all sports. This is a basketball state, don’t they know that?” Calipari said with a quirky smile.

County Fair Sheep Tests Positive For Anthrax

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

KANKAKEE, Illinois –

Below the soft, puffy, huggable exterior of Wooly Bully, the prize winning sheep at this year’s Kankakee, Illinois county fair, lurked a dangerous and life threatening agent of death.

Raised by Ricky Henderson as a 4-H project, the former lamb was a kind and gentle playmate, not only for 11-year-old Ricky, but also for his younger brother, 8-year-old Todd. If they survive, it is the hospital staff’s sad duty to inform them that they are now orphans. The youngster’s parents succumbed to the deadly anthrax bacterium days ago.

Both boys now cling to life, placed in a medically induced coma and isolated far away in the Acute Care and Infectious Disease Wing of Riverside Medical Group, located not far from the gently flowing Kankanee River.

“Oh, it’s definitely anthrax poisoning,” said Dr. Harriet Durville, infectious disease specialist. “Let’s not forget this is essentially a bacterial disease transmitted by animals. Filthy, disgusting, smelly animals that humans choose to come into contact with. ‘Dogs are pets, not sheep,’ I tell all my patients.”

Word travels quickly in this closely-knit, northern Illinois city of roughly 27,000. “It’s just so sad,” said Milly Jacobsen, bank teller. “We all watched Ricky raise that sheep from when it was born, and now, … if I had only known, I would have slit its throat during the night a long time ago and no one would have been the wiser! Such a shame,” she added.

Hundred of fairgoers have streamed into nearby clinics, complaining of symptoms of anthrax infection: fever, chills, blisters, nausea and vomiting, head and body aches being the most common ailments. “Most of the cases are just psychosomatic,” said Dr. Durville. “People are just panicked. After they hear that a simple antibiotic shot or 3 days of pills can clear up any complications, they relax about it.”

Naturally occurring animal-to-human anthrax disease rarely infects mass numbers of victims, whereas the deliberate malicious release of the bacterium for terroristic purposes can infect many at one time. “There’s a fear factor involved,” said Durville. “The bio-terrorists have really put a bad name on anthrax,” she added.

“Remember when people were afraid to open their mail? That’s going to start all over again, ‘til the next big scare comes along, probably,” Dr. Durville added.

So far, the spread of the disease seems to be held in check. The National Center For Disease Control has reportedly been notified by the hospital, but doctors were informed that until the number of confirmed cases gets above 100, the CDC will not step in.

“When we take those boys out of the medically induced coma we put them in and if they make it through, it’s going to be a sad day around here. I may just take that day off,” said Durville.

Death Row Inmate’s Request Granted For ‘Progressive Dinner’ Last Meal

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

PUTNAM COUNTY, Florida –

Florida Governor Rick Scott quietly approved death row inmate Del Berkley’s wish to attend a progressive dinner as per his last meal request.

Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, made the request earlier this month to reportedly “spice things up” from his usual drab prison meal routine before his scheduled execution.

The progressive dinner was held last week in a neighborhood not far from the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office House of Corrections. A review of the meal, written by Berkley, was published in the prison’s newsletter under the column “Bars and Spoons.”

“Overall it was good,” wrote Berkley. We started with a light course of appetizers at the “X” family’s neat suburban home. Nice big windows. Easy access. No guard dog.”

To be honest,” Berkley wrote, “this first course of mini entrées kind of suffered — I couldn’t choke down that tiny puffed tuna casserole. ‘And you thought my stare was cold and icy!’ I said to the hostess. ‘I’m never coming back here again!’ On the upside, I was allowed a glass of wine, which sure beats the crap out of the stuff I usually make in my toilet, that’s for damn sure! I really appreciated that.”

After a head count, the meal progressed to destination number two.

The “Y” family decided to make me feel ‘at home,’ so they went with a prison-themed dinner for the main course,” wrote Berkley. “They wore striped shirts and had these little plastic chains around their ankles which ticked me off a little at first, but I took it all in stride. After all, I didn’t want to come off as some kind of death row ingrate,” he said.

“The tin cups were funny and I gotta admit, the Y’s were very original with the dishes. We started with a towering Big House salad, then we had the Pork Shank Redemption, and to finish me off, I enjoyed a cup of Midnight Espresso. To call this meal a guilty pleasure would only be a half-truth,” he added.

The next part of the meal was the dessert course. “I wondered if I could force it all down after all that food! I was so full, I thought I was gonna die! Talk about ‘dead man walking’ – I practically had to be carried out to the van! After thanking my hosts, I was transported to my final destination.”

Unbelievably, the dessert was ‘Death By Chocolate Cake.’ “It was a complete coincidence,” said Berkley. “Mrs. ‘Z’ told me that she had planned her menu far in advance of my visit to her ADT Alarm protected ranch style home with the sliding glass doors adjacent to the attached garage which leads to the laundry room,” he said.

After the meal, when Berkley was transported back to the correctional facility, more good news awaited him. Due to the national shortage of lethal chemicals used in the humane execution process, his scheduled execution was indefinitely delayed.

“Is this an execution or a hunger strike?” asked Stefanie Fales, heartbroken widow of Martin Fales, Berkley’s homicide victim. “I’m calling my Congressman and the Governor!” she said.

“I can’t believe it,” said Berkley upon hearing the news. “I’m sitting here full as a tick, happy as a clam. True, it’s going to be an awful comedown once that plastic tray comes sliding through that slot tomorrow morning with those powdered eggs, but, … you can’t have everything!”

Record Holder of World’s Largest Penis Wins Three-Legged Race At County Fair

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Jonah Falcon, owner of the largest documented penis in the world, has generated dozens of headlines since the native New Yorker was featured in the 1999 HBO documentary, Private Dicks: Men Exposed.

“The publicity is like a double-edged sword,” said Falcon, speaking from his Brooklyn home. “I try to have as normal a life as possible, but once I decided to expose myself it’s not like I can wave a wand and make it magically go away.”

The latest headline attached to Falcon took place earlier this summer at the Putnam County Fair in Carmel, New York. “I try and go there ever year. I love fairs. All the food – all the events – I’ve been known to overdose on hotdogs, and I’m the first one to put my John Hancock on the sign up sheet for every event I can get my hands on.”

One of those fair events was the “three-legged race.”

The familiar competition involves two people, one leg from each team member tied together, racing to try and be the first to finish.

“Almost every county fair has one out here. Gobs of people signed up. You put a donation in a charity basket, so it’s really very popular and helps out the firemen’s fund. So, all these teams line up and people without a partner start to pair off,” explained Falcon. “I happened to come alone, so I didn’t have a partner.”

With the race about to start, Falcon found himself standing off to the left.

“Maybe some people recognized me, maybe they were a little afraid of having me for partner, I’m not sure. All I do know is, I was left hanging. I could have just forgotten about it, but I decided I wasn’t going to let the ball drop.”

Critics believe that Falcon engineered this story as a cheap grab for publicity, but he disagrees. “That’s a lot of baloney,” Falcon says. “I went up to the master of ceremonies and complained. He said the three-legged race logically has to involve two people, but I thought it was unfair that I couldn’t participate, especially since I had something in the basket. He didn’t want to hold things up, so he said I could run the race solo. We decided to tie both my legs together so I wouldn’t have a leg up on the other participants.”

There were some grumblings from a few contestants. “Yeah, one of the guys who runs a smoothie stand, this bald-headed yogurt slinger kept spouting off with these snide remarks – but I just turned my head the other way and ignored him. I took the ‘I am rubber, you are glue’ attitude and let it slide, like water off a duck’s back.”

As it turned out, Falcon won the race. “Everyone was really good about it and I gave the trophy to the couple who came in behind me. Even the yogurt guy shook my hand. ‘No big thing,’ I told him.”

“All in all, it was a great day,” said Falcon. “That’s the whole point of a fair – to have fun. I could have spent the rest of the day being Mr. Sad Sack about the whole thing, but instead I walked away being Mr. Happy!”

Curious onlookers had to know more, and they asked the obvious question – exactly how big is Falcon, anyway?

“I tend to not talk numbers in public,” Falcon said, with a wink. “But those people my age and older, they remember the adult film star John Holmes. Well, it’s like that. Only bigger.”

Ice Bucket Challenge Sparks Sequel, ‘Flaming Coal Challenge’

Posted on August 31, 2014 by ASwamy

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The unprecedented success and widespread popularity of the social phenomenon known as the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has spurred several spin-off activities. Most notable is the Human Lycan Syndrome (HLS) Flaming Coal Challenge.

In a typical HLS Flaming Coal Challenge, participants are required to simply obtain a medium to large sized bucket, fill it with conflagrant pieces of coal, and upend the entire container’s contents onto his or her unprotected head. Viewers of videos capturing these episodes are often treated to amused giggles at the participants’ surprise and raucous shrieks of pain. Similar to the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, the HLS Challenge then asks that participants nominate their friends to partake in the fun within 24 hours or else donate $100 to Human Lycan Syndrome. This is, however, provided that the participant is still conscious and/or not engulfed by searing flames at the end of the challenge.

The HLS Flaming Coal Challenge is part of a larger effort to raise awareness and funds for the Human Lycan Syndrome. The Human Lycan Syndrome is a debilitating disease that affects 1 out of every 3,700,425.68 people during each lunar eclipse. A spokesperson for the HLS Association commented on the situation.

“This challenge has done wonders for raising awareness for HLS. Many people may laugh off HLS, but few realize just how traumatic and crippling this disease is for those who suffer from it. But our challenge has but HLS back in the national conscious. Because, when you have fiery rocks scorching your cranium, what else do you do but ponder the complexities and difficulties of having a life-altering medical affliction?”

The Flaming Coal Challenge has seen a marked rise in popularity throughout the internet. Millions of people, from A-list celebrities to everyday citizens, have joined in the fun of dumping several pounds of blazing coals onto their exposed scalps. Even more people, however, have been able to enjoy the sheer pleasure of watching their friends and family sidestep their social responsibility by instead engaging in shameless, repetitive tomfoolery.

The challenge has also helped people avoid the other obvious, but totally lame, alternatives, including donating money, actual thought, and reflection to actually help mobilize funds and awareness for a serious illness in a way that is slightly more constructive than dumping objects onto your skull.

Reba McEntire To Headline ‘I Love Lucy’ Sitcom Reboot

Posted on August 29, 2014 by DvanL

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

Country music singer, composer, and actress Reba McEntire has begun production on a remake of the landmark television comedy I Love Lucy. McEntire will portray “Lucy McEntire Ricardo,” country singing star and wife of “househusband” Benecio “Benny” Ricardo, played by Benecio Del Toro.

“This time, it’s gonna have a switch-up!” said McEntire. “The wife’s gonna be the star, and the husband’s gonna try and git in on the act!”

The 30-minute comedy, entitled Reba Loves Lucy, is slated for the “Lucy Slot,” named for the original time slot I Love Lucy occupied – Monday nights at 9 on CBS. Co-starring with McEntire and Del Toro will be Benedict Cumberbatch and Susan Sarandon as the couple’s landlords, Fred and Ethel Mertz. Peter Dinklage will portray the McEntire-Ricardo’s son, ‘Little Benny.’

“I just love that ol’ gal Lucy, with her zany git-ups and all them crazy schemes she’d plum wind up in,” said McEntire, from her home in Nashville. “I think it’s about time we re-did it fer today’s country music fans and fer the youngins!”

Industry insiders are baffled as to why a show so closely identified with comedy legend Lucille Ball would be remade, especially since the original sitcom, broadcast from 1951–1957, has never been off the air. Lucy reruns still maintain an American viewership estimated at 40 million.

“I done a Broadway musical, and I done my own show,” said McEntire, “but I wanted to do somethin’ that I’d git a challenge out of. My friends all say I’m a kooky, zany red-headed gal too, just like that ol’ Lucille Ball, so I called up my manager and said ‘Let’s get this buggy on the road, Slim!'”

Slim Williams, McEntire’s manager, held a series of meetings with television executives who green-lit the project. Williams unsuccessfully requested a meeting with Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr., Lucy and Desi’s children, before production began.

“Well, that didn’t go so good,” said Williams. “Lucie used some language not fit for a lady, and Desi Jr. hired a couple of tough guys to come on down here and put some hurtin’ on us. I was advised to lay low for a spell,” he said, in hushed tones.

It was later revealed that Arnaz, Jr. was sending a team of high-powered lawyers to try and halt production of the proposed series.

Nevertheless, pre-production began last month, and the first two episodes have been completed.

“The hardest part has been gittin’ all them scrinched up faces right, like Lucy did all the time,” admits McEntire. “I been studyin’ the old show, walkin’ ‘round with all these goofy looks on my face, swingin’ my arms to and fro like a circus monkey – folks round here think I’m havin’ a spell or goin’ crazier than a outhouse rat! But I been practicin’ hard! Lucy never did cut no corners, and dad-gummit, I won’t neither!”

Sean Carey, president of the International I Love Lucy Fan Club had this to say via Facebook:

This is a disgrace. I’m sure that Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz are turning over in their graves, and if I were dead I would be doing the same thing, because honestly I wanted to be dead when I heard about this. I urge everyone to sign a petition I have started called ‘Rebuff The Reba Reboot’ before it’s too late.

I have smashed all my Reba McEntire CDs, which is hard to do since they are made of an advanced plastic material, but I was so mad I smashed them anyway with my bear (sic) hands.

McEntire is aware of the severe backlash the show has created.

“Yeah, I heard tell ‘bout some folks grumblin’ and getting’ their blood all angried up, but I say, give it a chance! Lucy always took a chance, like that one time she set her nose afire, so I’m gonna take a risk too, dagnabbit! And I get to sing!”

“I want to cancel this thing before it even starts,” said fan club president Carey, “so I’m calling the Neilsen ratings people to see if they can help me.”

Carey’s Rebuff The Reba Reboot boycott has gathered nearly 2 million online signatures.

Currently, there are no plans to halt production of Reba Loves Lucy.

Priest Accused of Molestation; Upset He Confused Tomboy For Actual Boy

Posted on August 29, 2014 by DvanL

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The Roman Catholic Church sex abuse scandal added another dark chapter to its history, months after Pope Francis reaffirmed his commitment to expose and root out predatory priests from within the Church.

This latest alleged incident involves Father Francis X. O’Toole, of the Archdiocese of Atlanta. O’Toole was placed under arrest after a guardian of the alleged victim notified authorities that an act of inappropriate touching had taken place.

Hank Sheffield, feature reporter for Atlanta’s WSB-TV, obtained raw footage of O’Toole’s transfer from a police holding cell to an awaiting Atlanta Department of Corrections van. “I yelled over and asked if he had any remorse for the victim or anything he’d like to say to her. He looked surprised and said ‘What? Her? You said her. It was a girl?’ He looked at me like I had two heads!”

Sheffield later obtained an exclusive prison interview with O’Toole, in exchange for the priest’s cooperation with authorities in providing details of other alleged acts of abuse.

“I feel awful,” said O’Toole. “I don’t know how I could have done this. I don’t mean the touching — I’ve been doing that for years. I’m sick in the head, for Christ’s sake! What I mean is I touched a girl – er, allegedly touched I mean. I can’t believe it. I’m out of control. I need to be sent away somewhere, to a place where I can’t even touch myself,” he acknowledged.

“When I told him that a crime against a child is a crime no matter who or what the sex of the victim is,” said Sheffield, “he basically got what I was saying, but he still seemed upset about mistaking the girl for a boy, and not about committing this awful crime on a kid. My crew and I were pretty much sick to our stomachs when the interview was over.”

The personable reporter has been a familiar presence to Atlanta area viewers for the past 2 decades. In more than 25 years, he’s never reported on a story like this.

“When I started out, the most controversial thing I covered was when the Berlin Wall opened up. I hate to sound like that old guy on his front porch, but this world has changed a lot. I had a talk with our news director about whether we should run this segment at all,” said Shefield, “but we decided it was better to expose the crime here, rather than keep it hidden.”

Congress Approves Bill That Will Offer Free Automobiles To Welfare Recipients

Posted on August 29, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Yesterday the White House announced its plan to offer free motor vehicles to welfare recipients, after congress passed the bill in a narrow vote. The program, initiated by President Barrack Obama, is very similar to what is now widely known to the public as “The Obama Phone,” where welfare recipients can get free cell phone service through a subsidized program. Some are even already referring to the free vehicle program as “The Obama Car.”

White House press secretary Josh Earnest announced the launching of the program in a late press briefing yesterday evening. “The free automobile program gives low-income Americans the opportunity to take ownership of a vehicle at no cost, and will also include a monthly gas card for $100. Any United States Citizen receiving welfare benefits qualifies for the program, which will be starting on January 5, 2015.” said Earnest.

Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell told reporters that this will be the downfall of President Obama. “This absurd plan that the democrats have conjured up is beyond belief. I have no idea how or why congress passed this. But I will tell you this, it is the beginning of the end for the Obama administration, Americans are fed up, and they are being called to the post,” McConnell said. “It is only a matter of time before the impeachment hearings begin, mark my words.”

Earnest said in the briefing that the campaign is intended to help unemployed Americans find secure employment, and ultimately will cause the unemployment rate to drop significantly. “Every American deserves the right to possess the ability to get themselves to a good job. Public transportation is very limited for most of the unemployed, especially in rural areas. This free vehicle assistance program is designed to change the way Americans are currently living. The President will sign the bill later this week, and the planning will be put into motion.” Earnest said.

There is sure to be public outrage along with intense approval from American citizens. John Humphries, a Washington D.C. tourist from Huntsville, Alabama thought that news of the “Obama Car” program was a joke.

“You have got to be kidding me, I thought you were joking,” Humphries told Empire News correspondent DeVante Williamson. “What next? All we are doing is giving criminals and scum of the Earth the wheels to make their drug deals while using their Obama-phones to set the deals up. People who really want to work, find a way to get to work, they always have. The unemployed are just lazy and make zero effort to find steady work. They want the easy way out, and our so-called government gives it to them. This is ridiculous.”

Juanita Jenkins of Albany, New York disagrees. “I think it is an excellent thing our government is doing. There are plenty of unemployed Americans who just cannot get to a job. This is sure to improve the steadily improving economy. I am not on welfare myself, but I have been considering quitting my job and applying for assistance while I look for a better job. I guess that means I’ll be in line for a car, too,” Jenkins said eagerly.

Earnest also told the press that the types of vehicles used for the program will be various American-made models, older than five years, but no more than ten years old. Once welfare recipients receive their automobile they will be given a gas card similar to that of the food stamp (SNAP) card, which will be loaded monthly with $100 credit to be used at popular chain gas stations.