Oprah Posts Bail For ‘Sexy Felon’ Jeremy Meeks

Posted on June 24, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

STOCKTON, California –

The internet was abuzz this past week when a mug shot of accused arms dealer Jeremy Meeks hit the web, making women swoon and men jealous over his movie-star good looks.

Apparently all the attention Meeks has gotten since being arrested has only helped him, as billionaire actress and media mogul Oprah Winfrey has reportedly agreed to pay Meeks’ $900,000 bail, with the intent of giving him a job as a talk show host on her OWN Network.

“Jeremy is so beautiful. He’s really one of the most gorgeous men I’ve ever seen.” Said Winfrey. “I saw his picture while I was checking my Twitter, and my heart skipped a beat. He is practically the definition of the word ‘sexy’.”

Meeks has said he will gladly take the offer of hosting his own program, as it has always been his dream to get out of arms dealing and move into the entertainment world. He is reportedly working with Winfrey, her producers, and a group of writers to determine the best kind of show for his ‘style.’

“I am not a doctor, so I guess I can’t really be Dr. Phil or anything.” Said Meeks. “What I’ve suggested is a milder version of a Jerry Springer, where my guests are mostly cons and criminals like me, and I can maybe help them get or stay on the straight-and-narrow.”

Winfrey may not be looking just to have a new face for her network, though. Possible troubled waters with Winfrey and longtime partner Stedman Graham mean that it’s always possible that Winfrey is looking towards a future with a younger, more handsome beau.

“Oh gosh, that’s just not true.” Said Winfrey, giggling like a school girl. “I really just want for Jeremy to find a better life. He’s got a beautiful girl and a family already. He certainly doesn’t need me or my billions of dollars to hang onto.”

For now, Meeks has said he just wants to get his life back on track, and is extremely thankful that he is being given this opportunity.

“I never thought that becoming an internet meme would parlay into a career.” Said Meeks. “This is truly the best thing I could have ever hoped for.”

Meeks is scheduled to be back in court next week.

Unborn Baby Becomes Pregnant While Still Inside The Womb

Posted on June 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

A pregnant woman in Portland, Oregon was hospitalized this week with extreme stomach pains, and doctors were shocked at what they discovered.

Mary Lambert, who is 8 months pregnant, went to Silverstein Memorial Hospital in Portland when she thought she might be going into labor. Doctors examined her, and initially could not figure out what was causing Lambert’s pain. After an ultrasound to check on her baby, they were taken aback to find that her unborn daughter was also pregnant.

“I have never in my life seen anything like this.” Said Dr. Joseph Goldsmith, a pediatric surgeon at Silverstein. “I don’t think anyone has. This is the first time that an unborn baby has become impregnated. It’s so far beyond rare that we didn’t know it was possible.”

Up until now, the youngest person to ever become pregnant was Lina Medina, a Peruvian girl who was just under 6 years old when she gave birth. Doctors were shocked at Medina’s diagnosis at the time, but it was later discovered that she had entered into Precocious puberty, which is a rare disorder that causes puberty in extremely young children. It won’t be possible to test Lambert’s unborn daughter for Precocious puberty until she is born. Even if she is found to have the rare disorder, it will still make her the youngest person to ever become pregnant.

Lambert and her husband, Carl, are naturally very worried about the safety of their baby.

“Doctors told us it was safe to have sex while I was pregnant. Several of my girlfriends told me that they did, and there were no problems at all.” Said Lambert. “We never thought this would happen. Carl is going to be a dad, and a grandpa all at once? I don’t – I mean, who can understand all this? I just worry that my baby won’t make it. Even if she does, I’m too young to be a grandmother.”

Lambert’s doctors say, unbelievably, that both babies seem to be very healthy. When Lambert gives birth to her baby next month, she will be about 6 months pregnant, and is looking at spending her first several months of life in the hospital as doctors determine how best to handle the situation.

“At this point, we don’t know whether Mary’s daughter will survive if she continues to sustain another life inside her.” Said Goldsmith. “All we know is that this is a very rare, very unusual case, and we are taking it day-by-day. So far, Mary and babies are doing fine.”

Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman To Star In New Reality TV Show

Posted on June 22, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

MIAMI, Florida –

Casey Anthony and George Zimmerman have been cast in a new reality series about people who have been acquitted of murder.

The show, which goes by the working title of Beat the System, is being developed by the Investigation Discovery network, and is set to air in the fall of 2014. It will be the first unscripted reality show developed by the ID Network.

The series will star Anthony and Zimmerman, who became friends in real life after they bonded over their recent brushes with the law, and their eventual acquittals of murder.

“I am so happy that Casey and I got offered this reality series.” Said Zimmerman, who was found not guilty for the murder of young teen Trayvon Martin. “We are really excited to start filming next week in Miami.”

Beat the System is going to follow the everyday lives of Anthony and Zimmerman, to get an insight into what it is like after you are found not guilty of a crime that the entire world knows you’ve committed. The ID Network is advertising it as a Kate Plus 8 meets Unsolved Mysteries kind of show.

“George and I became so close after his trial.” Said Anthony, who was acquitted of murdering her young daughter, Caylee. “I began writing to him during his ordeal, offering my support, because I went through the same thing. He wrote back, and we became good friends. I’m so excited for this series. I really want people to see that George and I are just regular people. We grocery shop, go to the movies, and party like everyone else.”

After advertisements for the show hit television networks and YouTube, a backlash of emails began flooding the offices of the ID Network, demanding the show be cancelled before it even starts.

“How dare anyone profit off these heinous crimes.” Said one angry viewer. “These two pieces of filth should be behind bars, and everyone knows it. This show is a disgrace to TV, and I don’t know anyone who will be watching it.”

“These two are famous. In fact, they are more than famous. They’re infamous.” Said Joe Goldsmith, president of the Investigation Discovery Network. “It doesn’t matter how they got to be famous. They are known faces, their backstories are known. What isn’t known, though, is how they deal every day with the same basic things everyone has to. What it’s like for them to be in public and be recognized. We are trying to put a humanitarian face on two people who are very misunderstood.”

“It’s the best thing to come out of all of this tragedy.” Said Anthony. “George and I, we’ve been through so much. Now we can put our pasts to rest and focus on this great new future, this great show.”

Reportedly, an episode is also set to feature Anthony and Zimmerman visiting their mutual friend O.J. Simpson in prison. Simpson was acquitted of murdering his wife and friend almost 2 decades ago, but was recently sentenced to 32 years in prison for his part in an armed robbery.

“I wish that [Simpson] could have been a part of this show on a regular basis. He’s a great guy, and Casey and I owe so much to him.” Said Zimmerman. “I know that he would get a kick out of reality TV.”

The ID Network reportedly stands to make more money off this show than almost all their other programming combined, with advertisers offering upwards of 3 and 4 times the normal rate for a standard 30-second commercial spot during the show. Anthony and Zimmerman also stand to make a small fortune, as each are reportedly earning $100,000 per episode, with 13 episodes ordered for the initial fall/winter season.

Texas Judge Sentences Man To Death For Marijuana Possession

Posted on June 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

An Austin Superior Court judge sentenced 34 year old Joseph Goldsmith to death row yesterday, after Goldsmith was picked up on his third offense for marijuana possession.

Judge Martin Churchill said during the trial that he had “already seen [Goldsmith] twice” and that “the third time was the charm.”

“If a man cannot get his act together, and he is arrested multiple times for the same crime, then I have no choice but to hand out the swiftest and harshest punishment I can.” Said Churchill. “In this case, the public needs to know how the state of Texas deals with repeat offenders, especially when they are drug-related crimes.”

Goldsmith, who has no other arrests on his report other than the previous two convictions for misdemeanor marijuana possession, was visibly upset when the verdict was read.

“I cannot believe it. This is like a nightmare.” Said Goldsmith, in tears after the hearing. “It was just a couple of joints. This isn’t right.”

Goldsmith was arrested this third and final time with around a gram of marijuana in his possession. In several states throughout the U.S., this amount would get him a small fine. In others, he would be let off with a warning. The state of Texas has the toughest laws on marijuana possession in the country.

“We will definitely be appealing the court’s decision.” Said Matthew Klein, Goldsmith’s attorney. “A sentence of death does not fit this crime. There is no way that we are going to let this stand.”

Goldsmith was sent to the Texas State Correctional Facility in Austin after the trial. Per his conviction, he will be required to remain on death row until an appeal can overturn the judge’s decision.

PETA Goes Directly To Source, Pays Poachers For Videos Of Animal Abuse

Posted on June 19, 2014 by Rab

NORFOLK, Virginia –

PETA, also known as “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,” has landed itself in some hot water today over allegations that the group has had their hand in poaching, dog fighting, and animal smuggling.

Ingrid Newkirk, founder of PETA, has allegedly started reaching out to illegal animal groups around the world, asking them for photographic and video of their crimes – not to use as evidence against them, but for use in her group’s campaign to help save all animals.

“People really need the shock value of the dismembered elephants, dogs from a dog fighting ring, or kittens in a bag to really understand that this stuff is happening. They can’t just read it, they have to watch a three hour video showing how they get wool for UGG boots.” Newkirk stated vehemently. “Recently I come across better ways of acquiring these pictures. Straight from the source if you will, nothing illegal, but definitely something a lot of people should know about.”

“Personally, I find the way we’re getting our new material to be much easier.” Says co-founder Alex Pacheco. “She [Newkirk] definitely has a flair for the dramatic, and you can’t argue with the results.”

Pacheco says that in the past, they would get people who were part of the PETA cause to work jobs in meat packing plants or other major industries that deal with animals, mostly in the food industry, and have them secretly videotape the horrible treatment animals were enduring. As incoming funds and donations have slowed over the last few years, they don’t have the money to hire “field workers” as often, especially with the incredibly large salaries the PETA board members take every year.

“Ingrid makes at least triple what I do, and I make around $2 million dollars a year.” Said Pacheco. “With the incredible amount of money that people donate to PETA dwindling year after year, it was time we made a change on how we got our information, and our sources. We want to keep the word strong, and we’ll do whatever we have to do to keep that happening.”

When asked if they thought that there were less donations coming in because of the recent recession, and people more worried about where their next meal might come from than whether African Rhinos were being poached for their horns, Pacheco had a different angle

“I think that people just are starting to care less about animals these days. We’ve been around a very long time. Don’t you think the people who donate would catch on to the fact that we haven’t done that much good? I mean, Seaworld is still around, people still torture animals and post the videos to YouTube. We really haven’t done all that much when you look at the big picture, but still the money comes. Slowly, maybe, but it’s coming. Hell, I only stay because of that massive paycheck I was telling you about. Damn, that’s a great deal!”

PETA members say that they aren’t worried about what the higher-ups are doing to get their information, and that the only thing that matters is getting people to notice, and pay attention to their cause.

“I remember this one time, we took this fat, sweaty, gross-looking woman, had her on her hands and knees, completely nude, and chained her up in a tiny pig cage.” Said Miranda Charles, a PETA advocate and frequent protest leader for the group. “It was to show the plight of the poor pigs when they are on their way to get slaughtered, and the horrible tortures they must endure. I can’t believe this woman was down for it. It’s really amazing what you can convince people to do if you just say it’s part of a great thing.”

“I just feel like the more information we put out there, the more people will pay us to give them that information. The idea is to educate, but we can’t do that for free.” Newkirk said. “It’s for the better of animal-kind to stop these horrid acts, and I’ll eat the flesh directly off a dog’s ass if it means he won’t be put into a fighting ring.”

CDC Blames Anti-Vaxxers For Massive Resurgence of Whooping Cough

Posted on June 18, 2014 by Rab

LOS ANGELES, California –

Pertussis, also known as whooping cough, has made a hefty resurgence lately, infecting people on epidemic proportions. Whooping cough, while not generally serious in adults, can be very deadly in infants and toddlers. The CDC has stated that they are blaming the anti-vaccination movement for the recent outbreaks of mumps, measles, and now Pertussis, across the United States.

“It’s amazing to me, with all the scientific proof debunking the whole vaccination-causes-autism issue, and all of the other issues people are saying vaccinations cause, that people still refuse to vaccinate their children.” Said Thomas Frieden, Director of the CDC, in a recent interview. “Herd immunity, as it were, only works when 80% of the herd is vaccinated. The less people vaccinate, the more they expose everyone. These ‘anti-vaxxers’ need to stop living in the past, and read a science journal or book once in a while. And I don’t mean one written by Jenny McCarthy.”

“The problem with vaccines is that they are made with, um… heavy metals.” Says pop icon Adam Levine, a proponent of the anti-vaccination movement, who speaks on the topic as though he has no idea what he’s talking about. “I don’t have kids, but if I did I would make damn sure I didn’t let a doctor stick them with that poison. I would rather take my chances than hurt my hypothetical kids.”

When asked where he got his information on the topic, which is completely made up, Levine said that he got it when he read Jenny McCarthy’s book.

“It was extremely eye-opening.” Said Levine. “It kept me up at night, scared that I might have kids someday, and they might get vaccinated, and they might get autism.”

“The problem I have with people reading Mrs. McCarthy’s book is that some people who read it are stupid enough to believe it. The ‘science’ she quoted was debunked years ago, and the man who did the actual ‘research’ was stripped of his licenses for falsifying his stats and making fraudulent claims.” Says Frieden. “These people need to realize the only way to significantly deter these diseases from spreading is by vaccinating, both themselves and their children. I am the director of the freaking CDC for crying out loud. Who should you believe? It’s my job to deter epidemics and solve any national disease-related crisis. For some reason, there are still people who choose to believe an ex-softcore porn star, with no scientific or medial training, who uses her autistic child as a scapegoat and rallying point, over me and other medical experts.”

With the rise of the anti-vaxxers reaching extremely high proportions, the fright of a looming epidemic will always be on our horizons.

“[Adam] Levine was right on several counts. He might have kids, and they might get autism after he possibly gets them vaccinated. Then again, on that logic, he might have kids, and they might get a splinter and he might not do anything about it and it might become infected and his child might die.” Said Frieden. “The funny thing is, that is more likely to happen than his child having autism from vaccinations. Hopefully people will come to their senses and realize even if there were problems with the vaccines, which there aren’t, it would be less of a risk than your child dying from some other entirely unrelated disease.”

Several Banks Looking To Impose Negative Interest Rates On Customers

Posted on June 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Several national banks have begun looking into the possibility of charging a negative interest rate on all accounts, both check and savings, to all their accountholders.

UE Bank, one of the nation’s largest private banking firms, was the first to implement the change to their customers’ accounts, and since then several other large banks, including Bank of The United States, C.J. Manhattan, Wells-Fortune United, and CitiCorp have all started looking into changing their interest rates to negative amounts as well.

“What this means for our customer is that instead of us paying you a few pennies a month to hold your money, you pay us instead.” Said Maxwell Chase, CEO of UE Banks. “A normal interest rate is about .08%, so you know, it’s not like you’re earning much anyway. We [banks] are taking all the risk holding onto your money. We have to insure it and all that. Heck, we could get robbed! It’s high risk handling cash. So we decided that on top of our normal banking fees, we’ll now start implementing a -.08% interest rate, so every month you give us just a small taste of your account balance, and we’ll promise to keep it safe and working for you.”

Naturally, banking customers are furious over this new change started by UE, and customers from other banking institutions are already protesting by removing their cash and closing accounts.

“I got hit one day with a $48 fee because I was over-drafted by eleven cents.” Said Chris Sharpe, a longtime customer of Wells-Fortune United. “I went in to talk to them about it, and they wouldn’t do a thing for me. Not a damn thing. I’ve been a customer for over 20 years, and never had any other incidents, and they just shut me down. I should have left then. I tell you what, if they’re going to charge me to hold onto my money, I’m taking it out right now. My mattress will hold my cash for free!”

Sharpe isn’t the only person to complain about banking fees, with many other customers of several banks saying they experienced similar problems.

“I was a customer at UE for about 4 years. I had my identity stolen through PayPal or eBay, and it charged my card about $200.” Said Francis Miller. “I asked them to reverse the charges, and they wouldn’t, saying I had to prove that it wasn’t me. How can I prove that it wasn’t me who did something? It cost me the $200, plus another $45 a day in overdraft fees. After about 2 weeks, it was all figured out. They took care of the $200, but those overdraft fees? Yup, I still owed them. I hate banks.”

“That’s not an uncommon feeling.” Said Professor Richard Kim, a financial advisor and teacher at Columbia University. “These banks, they charge what I call ‘fictional fees.’ There is no reason they need to charge you hundreds of dollars for over-drafting a small amount. All that money, it’s completely digital – completely fake, if you will. They have every ability to wipe away whatever they want, but they’d rather just try and force people to pay for something that they don’t rightfully owe.”

With most banks starting their new fiscal year on July 1st, it’s possible that these new negative interest rates could be implemented this year. So far, only the five major banks mentioned here have begun to look into the option, but Professor Kim warns all banking customers to keep an eye on their institution’s interest rates and fees.

“They change these things on a whim, always.” Said Kim. “Keep your eye on the big guys!”

Woman Gives Birth, Confuses Doctors By Asking For Maternity Test

Posted on June 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BILOXI, Mississippi –

A Biloxi woman gave birth to a baby boy late Friday evening, and confused doctors by immediately asking for a maternity test. Sarah Keller, 26, said that she didn’t believe that she was the mother of the baby, and wanted a maternity test to prove that she wasn’t.

“My boyfriend and I always use condoms, or he pulls out. There’s no way that I’m the mother.” said Keller. “I thought that Joe had been cheating on me, and now I can get all the proof I need.”

Keller said that her boyfriend, Joe Camden, also 26, and her had been together for 4 years and had never even had a pregnancy scare before she found out she was pregnant last November. When she got the news, Keller said she became enraged, and told Camden that she knew he had been sleeping around.

“I don’t know why she thinks I’ve been cheatin’.” Said Camden. “I’ve been as faithful to her as eggs are to chickens.”

Through an odd series of events, testing done by the hospital actually showed that Camden was not the father of the baby. When the hospital told her the news, Keller seemed confused.

“That’s not possible. He’s definitely the father.” Said Keller. “I screwed around with a few guys when Joe and I was on a little ‘break’ we took last year. But them guys weren’t my boyfriends, so they couldn’t have gotten me pregnant.”

Doctors calmly explained to Keller how reproduction worked, and that it was impossible that she wasn’t the mother. They then immediately contacted the Mississippi State Child Welfare Department. They also reached out to eight men who Keller reluctantly named as the ones she had been with while temporarily separated from Camden. They hope to discover true paternity in the next few weeks.

Man Shoots Off His Own Foot During Open Carry Texas Rally

Posted on June 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TEMPLE, Texas –

Carl Bellows of Temple, Texas was taken to the hospital during an “Open Carry Texas” demonstration on Thursday afternoon after almost completely severing his foot when he accidentally discharged his AK-47.

Bellows was reportedly standing with another member of the Open Carry Texas movement during the rally, and they were both “talking excitedly, and [Bellows] was jumping up and down – really getting pumped up” said a witness to the accident.

“His gun just went off, and blasted him right in the foot. Those machine guns, man, they pack a wallop. His entire foot was pretty much obliterated.” Said the witness. “It was a real mess. Kind of like spaghetti and meatballs or something. That look. Anyway, I just thank God I wasn’t any closer. I might have been a casualty of progress, or something.”

Open Carry Texas is a group of gun-toting men and women so crazy in their belief in the 2nd Amendment that even the NRA, a group widely known for their hard-fought belief in guns and gun ownership, called them “downright scary.”

“This incident at the OCT rally, it only proves our point.” Said James W. Porter II, President of the NRA. “We like guns. Hell, we love guns, obviously. ‘From our cold, dead hands,’ and all that nonsense. But these people…These [Open Carry Texas] members are just out of their [expletive] minds. They’re seriously the worst kind of crazy. Just because we [NRA members] love owning guns, doesn’t mean we go out and show off our bazookas while getting our morning coffee.”

Open Carry Texas aimed their sights back at the NRA recently in a Facebook post, saying that the NRA doesn’t really know what their group even stands for.

“The NRA has refused to learn for themselves how Open Carry Texas conducts itself other than what the liberal media and Bloomberg-funded gun control extremists have falsely portrayed.” Said the OCT in their post.

Bellows and his foot are not the first major casualties of the OCT’s war on showing off their weaponry. Recently several restaurant chains in Texas have placed restrictions on firearms being brought into their locations, including Sonic, Chipotle, Chili’s, Starbucks, Wendy’s, Jack in the Box, and Applebee’s.

“No skin off my ass.” Said Bill Wallace, a member of the Austin chapter of Open Carry Texas. “If the damn Wendy’s don’t want me bringing in my assault rifles when I get my chili, then to hell with ’em. I just won’t buy their chili. I have every right to carry around a damn AR-15 if I want, and ain’t no damn fast-fooders (sic) gonna tell me I can’t.”

“What these Open Carry people don’t understand, is that they’re scaring people.” Said Michelle White, a resident of Temple. “I like guns. I’ve shot guns, and I grew up around them. I’m not anti-gun. But I don’t need to stop by the pharmacy to pick up my kid’s medicine and see some guy with a high-powered rifle strapped to his back. There have been a dozen shootings across the country in the last couple months. It just hits a raw nerve to see someone carrying like that in the open, on the streets. They’re not making any point carrying them around – unless you count looking like intimidating bullies with tiny [expletive] a point.”

At the time of this writing, no charges were being brought against Bellows for discharging his weapon in public, although police have said they will be looking into the legality and registration on all of his guns.

Hasbro To Create Home Version of “Knockout Game”

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

Now your son or daughter can experience all the thrills and excitement of living in a dangerous ghetto, but from the comfort of your family living room. Hasbro, the company behind such game and toy classics as Monopoly and GI Joe, has announced today their plans to release a version of the dangerous “Knockout Game” for children.

The “Knockout game” is one of many names given by American news media to street assaults in which one or more assailants attempt to knock out an unsuspecting victim, often with a single violent haymaker, merely for their amusement or for “internet notoriety” when posted to YouTube and other websites.

A representative for Hasbro, Theodore Thomas, said that this is the first time the company has created a new product based on a street game.

“We’ve released everything from marbles to Monopoly, but we’ve never had a game where kids could take swings at each other before.” Said Thomas. “We’re really excited to launch our new Knockout Game: Home Edition! I know I’ll be giving it to my kids for Christmas, and really let them go at each other!”

Head designer for Hasbro, Greg Starscream, said that the game would play a lot like toy competitor Schilling’s “Socker Boppers,” but with points and a “winner.”

“We took the best things about punching people in the face, and added a twist to it.” Said Starscream. “You put on our (patent pending) silicone and foam rubber gloves, which each have an electronic points system built in. The players will take turns punching each other, and whoever gets “knocked out” first loses.”

Thomas said that despite the violent idea behind the game, there should be no safety concerns for parents, as the company has taken every precaution and safety measure.

“The difference between the real version of the Knockout Game and ours, is that you don’t actually have to physically knock someone out in the home version. Our points system will beep every time you score a point. Think of it as a new-age version of Rock ’em-Sock ’em Robots – but you get to do the punching!”

Hasbro plans on releasing their Knockout Game: Home Edition by the middle of October, just in time for the Christmas rush.