Man Swallows Pumpkin Seed, Pumpkin Actually Grows In Stomach

Posted on November 27, 2014 by JP

GARLAND, Texas –

Doctors are in pure disbelief after a patient came into the ER early Wednesday morning complaining about severe stomach pains. The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, is still seeking treatment in the hospital and staff claim they have never seen anything like this before.

“We take on a wide number of patients day-after-day, and at this point in my career I thought that I’ve seen it all,” said Michelle Brooks, a nurse at the hospital. “The gentlemen came in, and said his pain was a ’10’ on the stupid scale we’re always using to determine how bad it hurts, so we gave him the standard tests and after nothing came up out of the ordinary, we thought it might have been just gas. He begged us to run another test, so we did an ultrasound of his abdomen, and what we found was remarkable.”

The ultrasound showed a large pumpkin-shaped shadow in the man’s stomach, and doctors initially assumed it was built-up feces, which happens often in patients with IBS and other stomach disorders. It wasn’t until the man mentioned that he had been snacking on some raw pumpkin seeds the previous evening that the idea of an actual pumpkin being inside this man’s stomach even blossomed.

“At first we laughed, and thought it was funny how the ultrasound images appeared to be a pumpkin, but when we looked into it further, we realized it was an actual pumpkin,” said Doctor Rose. “In my career, I’ve seen nothing like this before. The closest is the multitude of things I’ve pulled out of people’s anuses, like lodged bottles and Toy Story figures, but I have never dealt with cases of people swallowing a seed that grew.”

Doctors are now attempting to break down the pumpkin with medications so the man can pass the pumpkin out properly, as they felt surgery was too great a risk in his current condition. If the medications don’t work, doctors say that the only remaining method will be extreme laxatives to help the man pass the pumpkin whole.

New ‘Anti-Cry Collar’ For Noisy Babies Has Human Rights Groups Outraged

Posted on November 26, 2014 by Angela Baker

BEIJING, China –

How far would you go to stop your baby from crying? China Toy Group has begun manufacturing a new line of parental aids, with their flagship device aimed at quieting your noisy baby. A terry clothed collar fits snugly around your baby’s neck, providing head support and emitting a low-pitched frequency hum that is inaudible to adults every time baby begins to cry. It has yet to be released in the US, but pre-orders are stacking up in China.

Human rights groups say that they think the concept sounds a bit too much like bark collars, which emit a high-frequency noise only dogs can hear, stopping man’s best friend from excessive barking. Activist Marsha Bradley says, “What’s next, shock collars for kids? Zap your kid when they don’t clean their room or shock your spouse when they forget to put the toilet seat down? This treatment is completely inhumane!”

CTG Representative, Fu Rui Shou defends the device, claiming it is a perfect way to help your child learn to behave.

“We not saying, keep on your baby 100% of time. When you out at restaurants, put on child, as courtesy to other people. Think you ready shake you baby? You use this product instead. So, so much better plan. It will save baby lives. It will save you sanity from baby who never stop crying. It also very safe. We think baby will like hum sound. Sound like being in sweet, cozy womb.”

Bradley disagrees. “I saw a baby with one of these things on. He was drooling all over the place – then he peed itself. That baby was terrified, and it hated wearing this cruelty collar.”

Currently, China Toy Association is developing a marketing plan for the US and Europe. They are optimistic it will catch on. Shou says they intend to extend the line into marital aids. “We still in early stage of development, but collar also be nice to have for nagging spouse. Shut them up good, no more complain. Teach them to act just like proper Chinese wife.”

Doctors Diagnosing Millions Of Children With New Illness – Is Your Child At Risk?

Posted on November 25, 2014 by DvanL

CALDWELL, New Jersey –

Elmo, Big Bird, Bert and Ernie – all staples of PBS kids’ programming. Wholesome entertainment for children, and safe enough so parents don’t have to worry. But what if children can’t pry themselves away?

Doctors have a name for it: PBSD – Public Broadcasting Service Disorder. If your child can’t stop watching PBS Kids programming without exhibiting signs of depression or anxiety, or throwing a non-stop temper tantrum, then he or she may suffer from PBSD.

PBSD was the problem faced by Monica Hall, mother of 7-year-old Peter. “I had just gotten him weaned off ‘Hooked on Phonics,’ and now this. He can’t stop watching PBS Kids shows,” said the frustrated divorcée. “I guess it’s better that than watching those horrible Kardashians or the violence programs, though. Still, I can only take so much Peppa Pig and Sesame Street.”

Monica noticed Peter’s PBSD symptoms during a recent trip into New York City. “We went to see the Radio City Christmas Show,” said Monica. “We walked up from Times Square and Peter spotted one of those life-sized Elmos on one corner and ran up to him. This Elmo was kind of stinky and dirty and his fur was all matted but Peter was happy. When we went to leave, that’s when the trouble started.”

Peter had a tantrum that wouldn’t stop. “It lasted all the way up to Radio City. All the way there people stared at me like I was a bad mother. We got into the lobby and he still wouldn’t quit. I decided to turn around and go back home. It was a horrible day.”

Doctors quickly diagnosed Peter as suffering from PBSD. “Luckily,” said Monica, “the doctor’s office had big wall paintings with all the characters he loves, so we got through the doctor visit all right. That was a lucky break and I cried tears of joy when we walked in and Oscar The Grouch was behind the reception desk.”

Peter’s school called Monica, because his attendance had plummeted. She explained the diagnosis and they sent out a social worker who told Monica as long as Peter was watching PBS, he was receiving the same amount of education – and better quality – than the school was providing.

“Last week we had a storm and the power went out,” said Monica. “That was bad for a couple of hours, but it came back on and things got back to normal, praise Grover.”

Doctors say most kids outgrow PBSD by the time they reach the age of 9. “Things could be worse,” said Monica, but I guess there’s a bright side to all this. He gets to learn, I don’t have to worry about the bullying that goes on in the schools these days, and I can get all my housework and errands done!”

Convenience Store Bottles Water From Toilet, Small Town In Uproar

Posted on November 25, 2014 by DvanL

CRAWFORD, Texas –

“Don’t drink the water” is clichéd advice given to tourists traveling to certain foreign countries, where health standards aren’t up to par with those found in the United States. This time though, Texas locals had to heed those wise words as news spread that the “Li’l Roundup” convenience store, located in Crawford, was selling bottled water sourced from – believe it or not – a toilet in the back of the store.

“Technically, it was the toilet tank, not the bowl,” said store proprietor Herb Walker, recently released on bond. “When you say toilet, people automatically think of the toilet bowl, and that’s just gross. The water in the tank is fresh, so I didn’t see a real problem with filling the bottles from there, except I guess I was using Quicky Glue to re-seal the bottles, and that’s kind of toxic.”

Crawford PD officer Harlan Jeffords made the discovery by accident, when driving around town with his six-year-old son Becker. “Beck had to go to the bathroom, you know like kids always do, so we pulled up to the ‘Roundup’ and Beck comes out of there with his pockets stuffed with water bottle caps. I asked him where he got them and he said ‘they’re in the bathroom.’”

Jeffords took a look and found a cardboard box with hundreds of bottle caps. When he asked the store owner what they were doing in the bathroom, the facts came spilling out.

“He looked kind of embarrassed, like a little kid when you catch one doing something bad,” said Jeffords, “but finally we got the truth out of him. There were about two hundred small used water bottles in another box along with the Quicky Glue, and finally we put the pieces together.”

Officer Jeffords initially thought the water was coming from the bathroom sink, but Walker revealed the actual source when describing the operation. “The bottles wouldn’t fit in that tiny sink,” said Walker. “I tried. It was easier to dunk the bottles in the tank, and ‘bubble them up full,’ and then I’d seal the bottles back up. It’s bad enough folks think I’m a crook, now they think I run an unsanitary operation and that I’m some kind of pig.”

Walker faces a stiff fine, and possible jail time on health department violations. A court appearance is scheduled for Dec. 1 at the Crawford County Courthouse.

Discount Meat Giveaway Seemed Fishy To Police, Multiple Arrests Made

Posted on November 25, 2014 by DvanL

NEWARK, New Jersey –

When Felicia Sommers heard about the big discount meat giveaway taking place beside the community garden she tends, she wasted no time in calling all of her friends. “Have you seen the price of meat these days? It’s outrageous!” said the 32-year old mother of four. “I called as many people as I could to get over here, and get over here quick.”

One of the people Sommers called was the wife of Newark police detective Alan Hynes. “I knew something was up when my wife told me about it,” said Det. Hynes. “I changed into plain clothes and took a walk over.”

Sure enough, a few shady characters operating out of the back of a truck and dealing in cash-only transactions were running the show. “Labels were torn off the plastic so you couldn’t find out where the meat came from, but we knew it was stolen from somewhere,” said Hynes. “There were also a number of lookouts pacing up and down, these guys were real amateurs.”

“The meat looked very lean,” said Sommers, “leaner than any meat I have ever seen before. I was about to ask the guys a question when all hell broke loose and we found out the truth.”

“It’s horsemeat!” cried one astute discount meat shopper! “I know horses, my dad’s a butcher and my mom’s a vet, and this shit is horse meat!”

Panic ensued. Customers screamed. Many retched out in the open air. The purveyors of purloined pony plasm quickly grabbed their packages and threw them back in the truck, snatching some of the equine flesh from the hands of many disappointed consumers.

“I didn’t care if it came from a horse or whatever,” said single mother Winnie Foster. “I have mouths to feed. We eat pigs and sheep and birds and cows, don’t we? What’s the big deal about eating a damn horse? It’s not like it’s monkey meat or anything gross like that! Now I gotta go home and make some more damn spaghetti, and I promised my family they were going to have meat tonight. My kids are sick of spaghetti – and so am I!”

The perpetrators were arrested and charged with selling stolen property, but were not charged with selling horse meat. “It’s technically not illegal to sell horse meat in the United States. The government cleared it years ago – it’s just kind of frowned upon,” said Hynes. “So we couldn’t get them on that, though I’d have liked to. I’ve done mounted police duty before, and so the thought of eating one, well it kind of makes me sick to my stomach to tell you the truth.”

“I guess I’ve learned my lesson,” said Sommers. “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”

MRI Scan Reveals Crayon In Man’s Brain, Doctors Say It Has Been There 40+ Years

Posted on November 24, 2014 by JP

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

A local Pittsburgh man is feeling a lot better after an extended stay in a local hospital. What doctors found during a routine MRI of his head turned out to be something out of a horror story.

Luke O’Neil, age 47, was facing chronic headaches that had been persistent for years, but recently he also began experiencing fainting spells. The new symptoms made him visit his local emergency room, and what doctors found when taking a closer look at his brain is something they say they have never seen before.

“My first thought was Mr. O’Neil had a brain tumor, but after the MRI, we found that something was lodged into his brain,” said Doctor Reid. “It’s the first time in my career that I’ve seen anything like this.”

When they finally came to the realization that there was an object stuck up there, doctors instantly started surgery to get it out. The surgery took well over 10 hours, but after all the effort, doctors successfully removed the item, and O’Neil’s headaches ceased immediately.

O’Neil said that he felt completely different once doctors finished the surgery, and that it was like ‘a breath of fresh air’ for his head.

“I’ve always had trouble with headaches, growing up they’d come and go. Sometimes I’d have them for weeks at a time, sometimes they didn’t happen at all. But when they struck, they struck hard,” said O’Neil. “It was only the last few years that the fainting came with them. I can’t even remember a time when I didn’t have issues with my headache and pain.”

Doctors informed him that it had been a blue crayon that has been lodged in his brain, and when he was asked how it got up there, O’Neil began to laugh.

“I used to stick things in my nose a lot when I was a boy,” said O’Neil. “I didn’t realize that I forgot to take anything back out. My God, a crayon? It must have been up there since kindergarten.”

The crayon in his brain had apparently also made O’Neil color blind, and he wasn’t even aware of the issue. The doctor, who was wearing blue scrubs while attending to O’Neil, was shocked when he asked what color they were.

“Somehow, he lived most of his life with this crayon up his nasal cavity poking his brain. I believe that the crayon was actually hitting some important nerves connected to his eyes, and ironically he was never able to see the color blue before.”

“You’d think I’d have seen nothing but blue, you know? I’m just glad that the headaches are gone now. I’ll stick to colored pencils from here on out,” said O’Neil with a smile.

Man Dies From Spontaneous Combustion After Eating Record 107 White Castle Hamburgers

Posted on November 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

In an extremely bizarre incident, a 35-year-old man from Radcliff, Kentucky has died from the medical phenomenon known as Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) while staying at a Holiday Inn in Columbus, Ohio, just hours after breaking the world record for most White Castle hamburgers eaten at a competitive eating competition, sponsored by the organization known as Major League Eating.

Raymond Carter Fitzgerald traveled to Columbus from Kentucky to compete in the 34th annual National White Castle Hamburger Eating Challenge, which took place yesterday afternoon at Ohio State University. Fitzgerald went on to break Joey Chestnuts record of 103 White Castles eaten in 8 minutes by consuming 107 burgers in just under 7 minutes. What happened just 4 hours later has puzzled and shocked medical experts, while proving ultimately tragic for friends and relatives of Fitzgerald.

Fitzgerald’s girlfriend, Molly Owenton, also of Radcliff, Kentucky, told police she returned to their hotel room at about 11:15 pm after making a trip to a local Walgreens to pick up a bottle of Pepto Bismol, stating that Fitzgerald had been complaining of excruciating abdominal pain and gas, when she terrifyingly discovered the deceased body of her beloved, which was still smoldering and smoking when she arrived.

Columbus Police Department spokesperson Edward Stanton told members of the Associated Press that it was a gruesome scene.

“Upon entering the hotel room of Mr. Fitzgerald and Ms. Owenton, police officers reported that the offensive smell was so overpowering that several officers retreated to their squad cars to retrieve their police-issued gas masks. The body of Mr. Fitzgerald continued to smolder for hours. His hands and feet were completely burned off, almost as if he had been electrocuted,” Stanton said. “After hours of investigating, our forensic expert declared that this was, indeed, a very rare case of what is known as Spontaneous Human Combustion. It was also decided that there was no apparent external source of ignition, and the body somehow ignited itself from within. At this time, and after interviewing Ms. Owenton, officials speculate that the build up of gas in the abdomen was most likely the culprit.”

When asked about the case, White Castle management expressed their condolences to the family and friends of Mr. Fitzgerald, and added that they would undoubtedly be sending out White Castle gift certificates to the family for the holidays.

Officials have stated that the case, and its investigation, are ongoing, as police correspond with scientific experts from Ohio State University. Foul play is not suspected.

Landmark Settlement Reached In Moist Towelette Disfigurement Case

Posted on November 20, 2014 by DvanL

WHEATON, Illinois –

Like millions of Americans, Charlotte Buckner enjoys feeling fresh. Sometimes that means using a Wash’N’Wipe moist towlette when she’s traveling on the road. Unlike millions of Americans, Charlotte was recently awarded $6.4 million in damages from Wash’N’Wipe Industries.

“I rubbed myself raw,” said Charlotte, 51. “I was late for an appointment to show our new product line to some vendors.” Charlotte is product manager for a line of negative pressure ventilators, more commonly known as iron lungs. “It was very hot that day and I was dragging the ventilator in and out of my car, up and down stairways – I was so out of breath by the time I got to the last appointment, I felt like crawling in the thing myself.”

Reaching for her handy Wash’N’Wipes, Charlotte decided to “freshen up” before applying a new layer of makeup. “I wiped my face just like I always do, and I didn’t realize my Wash’N’Wipe was actually very dry. I was just so oily and sweaty. I have combination skin.”

The next thing she knew, her face felt as though it was burning. “My face felt like it was on fire,” said Buckner. “I felt burning, and looked in the mirror. I had all sorts of red and blue marks on my face and I immediately called 911. I didn’t know where the nearest hospital was, but they gave me directions. I ran in screaming. They gave me all sorts of shots and eventually the pain went away, but all the red marks were still there. I had to cancel the appointment with the vendor, and we lost the account.”

Charlotte returned home and hired a lawyer. “Originally, I was just going to sue for my hospital bills, but my attorney said ‘go for it,’ so I did. We sued for permanent damage to my face. With makeup, I can hide the scars, but I still look terrible. I frighten children now.”

Has Charlotte stopped using Wash’N’Wipes? “All I can say is that I did enjoy my Wash’N’Wipes for many years before this unfortunate incident, which impaired my ability to fulfill my business duties causing irreparable harm.”

A representative from Wash’N’Wipe Industries told Empire News that the company stands by their product and has millions of satisfied customers. “The packaging must have been damaged during shipping,” said the spokesperson.

Charlotte plans on taking an early retirement as a result of her windfall. “It’s about time I got out of the iron lung game,” she said. “Sales never bounced back since the polio vaccine was invented, so I’m going to enjoy what’s left of my disfigured life.”

New Hollywood Trend Has Celebrities Getting Baby Pig Semen Injections To Look Younger

Posted on November 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Celebrities and movie stars in Hollywood and Los Angeles are always on the cutting edge of treatments to make themselves appear younger and sexier. From lip injections to smoothing out crow’s-feet, there aren’t many things that some celebrities won’t try to keep their famous-faces looking ageless. A new trend in Hollywood has emerged in the last several months, as doctors report that many A-list stars are now skipping the toxins of chemicals like Botox and injecting a much more natural substance – baby pig semen.

“Baby pig semen is an all-natural way to smooth out age lines, especially in the face and hands,” said Dr. Aaron Silver, plastic surgeon at the Goldsmith Medical Center in Los Angeles. “We inject a small amount around the eyes, lips, in the cheeks, or anywhere else that someone would want tighter, smoother skin. Over the course of several weeks, and approximately 3-5 injections, the loose skin becomes completely rejuvenated.”

The treatments are still awaiting full FDA approval, but that doesn’t make it illegal for the semen to be injected by a trained professional.

“Dr. Silver has given me the semen injections several times,” said a Hollywood legend who wished to remain anonymous. “My eyes look like they did when I was 25. I feel so much better about my looks ever since I started getting these injections. Botox is so harsh, and so noticeable. I had my lips done with Botox about a decade ago, and I haven’t felt a damn kiss since. Semen is so much less abrasive on the body. I’m a big fan of it.”

“I know that many people are concerned about the health risks of injecting animal semen into their body, but I can assure everyone, it’s much safer than injecting an actual poison, like Botox – assuming it is done by a trained professional,” said Silver. “I don’t advise anyone to go out to their local farms and start jacking off pigs and shooting themselves up. Leave it to the doctors.”

Silver said that the pig semen injections began in rural Asia sometime in the late 90s, and only recently began being performed in Europe and the United States. There are also several companies developing pig semen creams and salves for mass market production.

Morgue Delivers Living Baby From Pregnant Corpse

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FREEDOM, New Hampshire –

A woman who died in a car accident last week in New Hampshire gave funeral directors at a local morgue quite a scare this morning, after the staff discovered that the woman’s baby, who was thought to have also died in the crash, was still alive. The mortician, Brian Warner, and his assistant, Carlie Neil, were able to successfully remove the baby from its mother, and the newborn is said to be in fair condition at Freedom Memorial Hospital.

“Craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Warner of the incident. “The woman, I won’t say her name out of respect for the deceased, but the woman was brought in a few days ago, and she was a wreck. Just awful. Accident nearly tore her face clean off. You ever seen someone whose face was ripped from their body? Of course you haven’t. I’ve seen worse in my day thanks to that Vietnam Conflict, but not by much.”

“I was just prepping her for embalming, when I noticed that there was something moving under the skin of her stomach,” said Neil. “I honestly thought it could be some sort of parasite. Turns out I was close – it was her baby. Since she was dead already, we didn’t bother with any formalities – we just cut into her and pulled the baby right out. He was pretty lethargic when we pulled him out, but I’d seen enough movies and TV to know one quick smack on the ass would fix him up, and it worked. He took a breath, and he never stopped crying after that.”

Doctors say that for the woman’s baby to have survived 6 days inside of her after she had died is nothing short of miraculous.

“Babies feed off what their mother’s eat and drink – they really are like a little parasite growing inside. A person can’t normally go that long without food or water, and a growing baby needs the nutrition even more. The fact that he made it out alive, I can’t believe it. It’s highly possible that he’s the reincarnated Baby Jesus or something. I don’t know, I’m just a doctor, what do I know? I have to say, though, that this whole situation is a medical marvel.”