‘Zombie Man’ Bites Police Officer, Facing Life In Prison

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CINCINNATI, Ohio –

John Thomer, 28, dressed as a zombie, was arrested outside the courthouse where a hearing was held for the man charged with violating zoning rules for his zombie nativity scene last month, Jasen Dixon. Thomer was initially arrested for growling into a megaphone and interrupting the Dixon’s trial.

Thomer’s sentence of three days in jail has now been extended indefinitely after assaulting one of the corrections officers in what he claims was a “joke gone wrong.” He is expected to be transferred from Hamilton Country Jail to Cincinnati State Penitentiary as soon as he is railroaded through the justice system by the DA, a subpar public defender, and a judge who will likely not see this as a good-natured joke.

Corrections Officer Royce Beaulac says, “That nutcase couldn’t behave himself for three days. Guess he really wanted an Ohio State Butt Rape special!”

Thomer explains: “It was a joke. A love-bite really. Some of the make-up I used wouldn’t come off. He’d been making fun of me, but jokingly ya know, so I playfully lunged at him, saying ‘Brains! In retrospect, I see that was a mistake, and it was obvious the officer had no brains whatsoever.”

National Garbage Tax Coming In 2016

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Garbage is America’s biggest export, and soon taxpayers will be expected to foot the bill. New measures will include a garbage bag tax, as well as additional taxes on products that exceed a certain amount of packaging, which will be passed along to consumers who buy the products.

Economist Allon Ardon says this will damage the economy. “I’m very concerned about the economic impacts we will see as a result of this new tax. The American economy is based upon being able to throw things away with no second thoughts. People may actually start donating unwanted goods to charity or re-using trash. This could be disastrous.”

Hoarders will benefit from this bill, receiving a tax credit of up to $3,000, with documentation that they are collecting trash.

Ardon says, “They trash isn’t the problem. Exporting it is. We need to get create with managing our garbage.”

Hoarder Bill Willis says that he is now “extremely grateful” for all the junk he’s collected over the years.

“My tax guy says that next year I’ll get a big fat check thanks to all the shit I’ve had socked away all these years,” said Willis. “It’s really something else. I only wish my bitch ex-wife were still around to see me gloat. She told me that my stuff was worthless, we’ll screw you, Debbie!”

Mainers Demand Governor’s Impeachment; Lepage Says, ‘They’re Lazy and Retarded’

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

“We want him kicked out of office!” A recent poll showed that 95% of Maine citizens think impeachment means to kick a politician out of office, while in actuality it means to charge with misconduct, treason, or crimes against the state.

Protester Ashely Poulot says, “He’s a douche. We should impeach him. It’s as simple as that.”

Governor Lepage says of that this movement is a result of the tougher welfare laws he helped put into place in Maine.

“Almost a third of the people in this state are on welfare. Guess what? They’re too lazy to work, and they’re certainly are not going to make an effort to get off the couch to vote or do anything!” claimed LePage. “Sure, there are a few loonies freezing their tail feathers off outside the capital, but in the words of the great Bernie Mac, ‘I ain’t scared.’ Those retards standing there protesting in 2 degree weather are the exception, not the rule.”

LePage is currently on the campaign trail in support of Chris Christie for some reason.

Washington D.C. Tourist Board To Give Free Weed As Incentive To Visit City

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Tourism at the nation’s capital is on the decline, and the Washington D.C. Tourism Board plans to do something about it. Since Initiative 71 was passed in November of 2015, it is now legal in the nation’s capital to give marijuana as a gift. Each tourist will be able to go to stop by locations such as Destination DC for up to a free gram of marijuana.

“The decline in tourism has been linked to a major decline in patriotism, and a new generation who wants more out of their vacation than lame selfies in front of the Lincoln Monument,” said Mark Long, director of tourism for the city. “It’s just not going to do it for kids today. We’ve surveyed hundreds of teenagers about whether they would be interested in going to D.C. someday. 4 out of 5 said no, and 1 out of 5 just rolled their eyes and refused to respond completely.”

“Look how well Colorado is doing. We need to attract that young stoner crowd. Washington has quite the night life- plenty of things for young hipsters to do,” said Washington D.C. resident and stoner Kyle Reese. “They may find our monuments and attractions boring while sober, but a little pot and everything’s more fun!”

President Obama Arrested For Drunk Driving Returning From New Year’s Eve Party

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to police reports, President Barack Obama was arrested for drunk driving on his way back to the White House from a New Year’s Eve party in Baltimore.

The president, who normally is driven by secret service members, apparently become severely intoxicated at the home of a family friend, and snuck away from his bodyguards by climbing out of a bathroom window.

“The President jumped from a second story window after throwing up in the [unnamed friend’s] bathtub, and stole a car from their garage,” said police chief John Wiggin. “When he was pulled over, he had a blood-alcohol level of 2.0, and was driving 95mph down the wrong side of the road. He’s insanely lucky no one was hurt.”

The incident took place at approximately 7pm, and the President was reportedly sleeping it off in a Washington, D.C. jail cell. Police say it is highly likely the Obama will pardon himself of his crimes, as he has done several times during his presidency.

Man Petitions City to Earn Community Service Credits for Future Infractions

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Alen Jackson says he doesn’t plan to break laws intentionally, but he still gets hassled all the time by police and meter-maids because, according to Jackson, “I’m black and proud.”

Jackson has taken his annoyances about laws to the city, where he has proposed what he calls “earn credits.” With the credits, a person wouldn’t get ticketed or hassled for minor infractions, because they’ve earned up a sort of “goodwill” with the city.

“I really don’t mind volunteering for community service or that sort of thing if it meant that I would be able to cash in on it later,” said Jackson. “This would be a successful community outreach program, and I suggest it be implemented, because people who look a certain way are going to get hassled more. It’s just a fact we have to live with, and this would encourage the community to come together.”

Jackson has suggested going as far as pre-serving time. “I could just go in on the weekends, spend a little time, and not have to worry about a wrongful conviction based on my looks later on.”

Jackson has also offered an alternative plan in response to the police brutality and violence he has seen on Facebook. “I have no record of violent offenses, so I don’t want to be shot for no reason,” said Jackson. “There should be a way to advertise this to protect myself. It could be as simple as a microchip. It could send a signal that says, ‘hey, he’s black, but he’s not dangerous,’ and a lot of innocent lives would be saved.”

Chicago lawmakers say they are considering the measures suggested by Jackson.

Man Arrested After Shooting At Ceiling, Injuring Toddler In Upstairs Apartment

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIAR, North Dakota –

Loud upstairs neighbors beware. North Dakota resident Phillip Davis tells police that his neighbors were thrashing around on purpose, terrorizing him with loud noises and thumping. Racking up over 50 noise complaints in a matter of months, Davis reportedly told police the family just wanted to drive him insane.

“I ask you – what kind of mother lets their kids run around till 11 o’clock at night? That kid would run from one end of the apartment to the other, jump on the bed, and then back again,” said Davis. “If I was able to go to bed at a reasonable hour and get a proper night’s sleep, this accident would never have happened.”

According to Davis, he was so distressed and angry after not being able to sleep, he grabbed his gun – which he keeps on a bedside table – and claims he intended to only “mockingly” shoot at the ceiling where his neighbors were again slamming and thrashing around.

“I didn’t mean to actually pull the trigger, it was just an automatic response,” said Davis. “You know, anyone would make the same kind of motion, that whole ‘I’m gonna shoot these people!’ kind of thing. I didn’t mean to actually shoot anyone.”

The unidentified two-year-old child was fortunate enough to only receive minor injuries after the bullet from Davis’ gun went through his ceiling and punctured the mother’s foot, causing the extremely obese woman to fall on the poor child.

“I used to work second shift,” Georgette Hamilton says. “I like to sleep in. Baby would be getting up way too early if I put her to bed before 11. In a way, this is a blessing in disguise. Laid up as I am from my foot, my disability will surely go through this time!”

United States Plans To Enforce 1-Child Limit On Families

Posted on December 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C –

China announced this week that they were lifting their decades-old ban on children, which previously only allowed families to have one child. Although not lifted completely, the country did decide to allow people to now have 2 children per household. In the United States, though, the amount of children a person could have has never been regulated – until now.

“We are quickly become an overpopulated nation, much like China,” said President Obama. “People are using and abusing our systems, they are taking handouts and living off the government, all because they had too many children they could not afford. I am all for helping your neighbor, but sometimes, your neighbor must also help themselves.”

According to President Obama, the United States has needed population control for many years, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to pass measures through congress. Right before the 2015 holiday break, the measure was voted on and passed.

“Starting in April of 2016, we will be limiting the number of children a couple may have down to one,” said Obama. “Obviously, if you have more than that currently, that is fine, but you will be required to stop at one child once you have your first. Men will have vasectomies; women, their tubes tied. We cannot take any chances on overpopulating this country, or this world.”

First Lady Michelle Obama Reveals Her Secret Black Metal Music Fetish

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

First lady Michelle Obama would be the last person you would think of when it comes to famous celebrities who listen to heavy metal or any sort of rock music, but as it turns out, the first lady is a huge fan of extremely vile, heavy, and extreme metal and grindcore bands.

“Oh my God, yes, I love it,” said Obama when she was questioned about a recent image of her showing off some of her CD collection. “I grew up on gospel songs and pop music, and when I marred Barack, he turned me on to some of the heavier stuff, and I was hooked. Then I started branching out on my own. I love this heavy stuff so much!”

According to Obama, she listens to death metal and grindcore while she works out.

“Nothing gets the blood pumping more than some Vulvectomy or some Anal Cunt,” said Obama, proudly displaying her Post Abortion Slut Fuck album. “When you want to relax, there are plenty of great bands. But when you want to really tear some shit up, there’s nothing quite like some heavy, dark, and pulsing metal.”

For Christmas, the first lady said she received new albums by Rotting Flesh Corpse, Dismembered Fetal Fucks, and Solid Core Enema.

“Barack knows me so well,” quipped The First Lady.

Presidential Candidate Ben Carson Arrested On Fraud Charges

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly been arrested on charges of fraud after it was revealed that the presidential candidate was not actually black.

According to reports, Dr. Ben Carson was born white, and later changed his skin tone to get ahead in his primary field of surgical medicine.

“It’s very, very easy for a black man to get a job as a surgeon, or any doctor in any field, really,” said Dr. Miles Jones, head of medicine at Cambridge. “Affirmative Action basically makes it extremely easy for anyone who is black to get a job. Employers can’t risk not hiring someone who is African-American on the off-chance that they might get sued for racial discrimination.”

While Dr. Carson has not officially made a statement, a team of democratic naysayers have reportedly unearthed Ben Carson’s original birth certificate, which lists Carson as Caucasian. Dr. Carson’s legal team, as well as his campaign team, maintain that he is, and always has been, African-American.

Carson is being questioned by D.C. Police on charges of defrauding the public and gross misuse of campaign funds, after it was questioned whether or not a white man could actually receive money if the person donating thought it was going to a black man.