Parents Of Mentally Disabled Teen Plan Lawsuit Against ‘Transformers’ Director Michael Bay

Posted on October 28, 2014 by Chip

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Jeremy and Linda Watson are preparing a lawsuit against director Michael Bay for the pain and suffering they are currently experiencing due to their 14-year-old son Nate’s behavior after he watched the latest Transformers film. Jeremy and Linda say that Nate has a mental handicap, and doesn’t understand that the movie is pretend.

Linda Watson has said that the issue stems around Nate having a hard time differentiating between what is real and what is fictional.

The parents say they typically ensure Nate doesn’t have access to fictional and ‘fantastical’ material of any sort, however they had rented Transformers from Redbox for themselves, and accidentally left in the family’s blu-ray player after watching it last Saturday night. The next morning, Nate woke up and noticed the Redbox case sitting on the player and started watching the movie without alerting his parents.

The Watson’s realized Nate had watched the movie when they found him in a panicked state, throwing all of his Hot Wheels toys out the family’s living room. Nate told his parents that he can’t have them anymore because he doesn’t want them to transform.

In addition to being terrified of his once favorite toys, he refuses to get in the family’s minivan in fear that it will transform. The Watson’s have said that attempting to get Nate in the car is an excruciating task. Linda said “It’s an incredibly miserable experience, he cries, kicks, screams, and uses vulgar language. Not only is his behavior jarring, but it’s embarrassing for us as all of the neighbors stop to stare at the scene Nate is creating.”

As of today, the Watson’s have not been able to find an attorney willing to take on the case. In a recent interview with a local newspaper, Jeremy Watson was quoted saying “Michael Bay has more money than God after making all these big-budget, Hollywood crapfest films he’s known for, and he deserves to pay. It’s his responsibility to make sure that people with disabilities don’t see his films, and it’s his responsibility to make sure that he isn’t creating films that will harm children or young adults.”

Redbox looked into credit card transactions, and has indicated that they have no record of the Watsons ever renting the Transformers movie. Michael Bay could not be reached for comment.

Senate Seeks To Pass Law Requiring Castration For All Sex Offenders

Posted on October 27, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, DC –

Iowa State Senator Joni Ernst is sponsoring a bill aimed at society’s most heinous criminals – sex offenders. Ernst gained notoriety after her US Senate campaign commercial about animal castration went viral. The attention-getting ad contained the line: “I grew up castrating hogs on an Iowa farm. So when I get to Washington, I’ll know how to cut pork.”

“I was ridiculed from a lot of people after that and had to disappear for a while,” said Ernst. “But then I thought long and hard about what matters to me. I kept hearing this voice in my head, and it said ‘go with what you know … go with what you know.’”

Ernst introduced a House Resolution that would require castration of all male sex offenders beginning in 2015. “The system we have going now isn’t working well at all,” she said. “In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. We need stricter laws to protect society.”

Sex offenders are required to list themselves in a state’s sex offender registry. When they relocate, they are required to notify neighbors of their sex offender status. Often, drugs that suppress sex drive are used as a part of a ‘chemical’ castration treatment.

“I’m aware of chemical castration,” said the state senator, “but people often go off their meds. The current system also results in neighborhood unrest, and the offender eventually moves from location to location which is dangerous. Eventually, some of them slip through the cracks, and re-offend. The resolution I’m sponsoring will put an end to all of that.”

“That’s just nuts,” said human rights advocate Paul Zubra. “We say we live in a civilized society, but this is the most uncivilized society can get, not counting the death penalty. I can understand incarceration and monitoring, even living in a sort of halfway house setting because at least there’s therapy involved there. Sex offenders are the worst of society. But, to castrate…Oh man – the penis? It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”

“My method is permanent,” said Sen. Ernst. “One medically supervised procedure and snip-snap, it’s done. We’re not talking about some primitive act with sharp stones or hot pokers and steak knives – we’re talking about scalpels and doctors and nurses and hospitals. It would be great to just let the victimized party hack at the genitals of their attacker with a meat cleaver, but that isn’t what this bill is about.”

Whether or not the resolution passes, Sen. Ernst knows that she will forever be associated with neutering. “That doesn’t bother me,” she said. “Sometimes you just gotta grab life by the balls, and then cut those balls clean off. The important thing here is I’m doing what I know is right. It’s all about getting to the root of the problem, and nipping it in the bud.”

The bill comes up for a vote before the Senate’s Thanksgiving recess.

Milwaukee Parents Arrested For Giving Newborn Baby Racist Name

Posted on October 26, 2014 by DvanL

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin –

Justin and Jan Bunnie, parents of a newborn baby boy were arrested shortly after returning home with their bundle of joy. Why would parents of a newborn be taken into custody at this most important time in their lives? Police Chief Arthur McManus said, “We didn’t ‘arrest’ them exactly; we ‘pre-arrested” them. Like detaining. We were following court orders. The judge said they set the kid up for abuse in the future, so we had to take them in.”

Justin and Jan were first brought to the attention of the courts by doctors and nurses at the hospital where their baby was born. According to court records, the judge decided that they had given their newborn a name which, when coupled with their last name, forms a racial slur for African-Americans. The editors of Empire News respect the intelligence and sensitivity of our readers, and in the interest of privacy and respect to the newborn, will refer to the baby simply by his first initial, ‘J.’

The couple was arrested for what Superior Court Judge Sylvia Hargrave called “future potential abuse from society at large due to irresponsible parenting and judgement leading to lifelong emotional damage.”

In an interview From the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility, Justin Bunnie said, “We didn’t mean nothing racial. We wanted our kid to be someone special and get noticed in the world to succeed in life. Even if what the judge said is true, then my baby would have to defend himself and be strong. You got to be strong to survive in this tough world, so this would make him stronger.”

“I wanted him to be a like a celebrity,” said Baby J—’s mother, Jan. “Like sometimes famous people will have unique names that get attention and all the internet stories, like the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Everybody knows their names and they are rich and happy. That’s what we want for our little J—. It’s not fair to put us in jail.

The couple’s public defender, John Offmore spoke about the case. “We’re petitioning to have them released on probation in exchange for a change of baby name. It is unfortunate that a child would go through life being called “J— Bunnie. I’ve told my clients that although it is their choice, it was misguided, and they seem to have taken it seriously.”

Justin Bunnie reluctantly went along with his legal counsel’s idea. “Well, it’s for the good of the baby,” he said. “And we also got to think about our older son, Francis.” Francis goes by the nickname ‘Fuzzy.’ “No one had a problem with that name.”

The couple should be released within the week. An alternate name has not yet been chosen, although Jan Bunnie was provided with a baby name book, courtesy of the State of Wisconsin. “I’m kind of leaning towards ‘Harry,’ but I have to check with my husband first,” she said.

ISIS Supporter In Houston Beaten Unconscious By Army Veteran

Posted on October 23, 2014 by DvanL

HOUSTON, Texas –

The Militants of the Islamic State in Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS) have lately become the most fanatical radical organization in the world. Cult-like recruiting tactics have gone global, with reports of American citizens lending support, and even traveling overseas to pledge their allegiance to the anti-American group.

Yesterday in Houston at Dodson Lake Park, one such supporter who had decided to speak out in favor of the terrorist organization and against America was beaten unconscious by a US Army veteran.

The anti-American speaker, whose name has been withheld until a security check can be fully completed, insisted he was exercising his Constitutional freedom of speech rights when he began approaching strangers at the popular water park/playground and quoting from the pro-ISIS leaflets he was handing out.

Vietnam and Gulf War war veteran Jim McDaniels, 61, was spending the day with his wife and twin granddaughters when he noticed a man who he described as ‘a little jumpy’ walking up to everyone handing out leaflets. “He walked over to us, kind of pushed the thing in our face and said ‘spread the word,’ so I took it,” explained McDaniels. “Then he started to walk away. The paper had all these symbols on it, pictures of ISIS guards and a map of the United States with a big red X on it next to a frowny face. ‘Is this shit for real?’ I asked him. I never swear, mind you. But it was so hateful it got under my skin. That’s why I decided to tell this guy to get lost,” said McDaniels.

The vet walked over to the unidentified speaker and asked him to stop handing out the anti-American material. “I was telling him for his own good – you don’t pick a place like Houston to start talking against the government – you’re gonna get your butt kicked. I just wanted him to get the hell away.”

The protester didn’t take kindly to the advice offered to him by McDaniels. “He got in my face,” said McDaniels, “and started saying it’s his right to say whatever he wants, the US has oppressed people all over the world, blah blah blah and all this other junk. I fought for his right to speak in not one but two wars, and told him so. Once he found out I was a veteran, he started calling me a traitor, and that’s when I lost it. I clocked the guy – one punch and boom down he went. My family stepped in and pulled me away.”

Now the protester is suing McDaniels. “It doesn’t surprise me a bit,” said the veteran. “I knocked the guy out cold. It’s funny, though, because if he’s so anti-America, he certainly isn’t showing it by doing the most American thing there is and taking me to court.”

As for the lawsuit, McDaniels isn’t worried. “Believe it or not, I’m not mad at the guy. I’m sure he’s harmless, but severely misguided, obviously. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’ve got a lawyer, we’ll figure something out, but I don’t think he’ll be coming around the park again any time soon.”

Bill Clinton Buys Monica Lewinsky’s Famous ‘Stained Dress’ In Online Auction

Posted on October 21, 2014 by DvanL

SAN JOSE, California –

The most infamous blue dress in the world, associated with the most sensational Presidential scandal in recent history, has reared its ugly head once again.

The garment, stained with the DNA provided by former President Bill Clinton, was originally purchased by Lewinsky from the GAP clothing store, and showed up on the online auction site BetMe.net last week. An online bidder known only as ‘William J. Slickton’ of New York, entered the winning bid of $288,050.10.

“Slick Willie” was the nickname given to Bill Clinton, a reference to his deal-making skills while Governor of Arkansas from 1979 to 1981 and from 1983 to 1992.

The question of the day is, could William J. Slickton actually be William Jefferson Clinton, 42^nd President of the United States? Although BetMe.net does not disclose personal member details beyond those provided by the user in his or her profile, what is known so far offers clues as to the identity of the winning bidder:

William Slickton has been a member of the BetMe community for 3 years. Previous winning bids have been for golf equipment, a vintage saxophone case, several crossword puzzle books, and an antique pre-Civil War hand-drawn map of Arkansas. The items link to hobbies, activities, and interests enjoyed by the former President.

Professional Hacker ‘LindaTrippster@safecrack.net’ obtained the unique IP address of William J. Slickton’s computer in order to determine the location where the auction transaction took place. The locale was Chappaqua, New York, site of the Clinton’s home.

Will this disclosure hurt former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s chances to become the 2016 Democratic Presidential Nominee? Empire News asked presidential historian Hedda Parsons to offer insights. “There’s always a risk of damage when bringing up a scandal,” said Parsons. “The question remains, would the former President actually be so bold as to use an online identity so closely related to his own nickname? And why would he want a dress with his DNA all over it in the first place? Everyone knows that in Washington you can’t wear the same outfit twice – let alone re-wear a dress that someone has … well, we all know the mess that was made all over that dress.”

Questions about Clinton’s judgment are indeed valid. Many feel that the choice to initiate a liaison with a 22-year-old intern in the Oval Office demonstrated a severe lapse in judgment, and it lead to Clinton’s impeachment in 1998.

As to who put the dress up for auction in the first place, Monica Lewinsky remains tight-lipped. In a statement provided by her attorney, Ms. Lewinksy said “The dress was used as evidence during Prosecutor Ken Starr’s trial and was no longer in my possession. The events in question occurred during a very dark period in my life. Since then, I have washed my hands of the whole affair and have continued to move forward.”

No comment has been issued by the former President.

2014 Federal Tax Refunds To Be Delayed, Payments Won’t Arrive Until October 2015

Posted on October 18, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The deadline for filing your 2014 federal tax return has been April 15th for decades, with the last person who is owed a refund getting their payment usually by the end of May. This year, though, even with the advent of the internet and phone-filing systems, people who file early and folks who wait until the final deadline, are looking to have their refunds held back several months, with payouts not expected to happen until October of 2015.

The news of the major change was first broken by website National Report, who says that the Obama administration is purposely holding owed refunds to help save the government money. According to Report, the Federal Government returns around $350 billion dollars of what it has collected from taxes throughout the year, and withholding the payouts until October will allow the government to gain an additional $30 billion in interest and additional borrowing costs.

The change is not universal, though. The new rebate delay is only set to affect those who have filled under an individual status, meaning large corporations and businesses will still be eligible to receive any refunds owed almost immediately, while the rest of us wait.

“Your money is still coming, and we will not be holding back an extra cent,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Pulling back payments until the end of 2015 will help increase government earnings. This is merely a new structure to a system that has been in place for generations. Sometimes, change is inevitable.”

As many Americans rely every year on their tax returns, planning vacations, expensive purchases, and some even wisely putting it in savings or using it to pay rent or bills, this push could cause some headaches for those people who live paycheck-to-paycheck.

“It’s just awful, seriously awful,” said Marie Jordan, a mother of 5 young children in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts. “I was going to use my refund to hire a babysitter and take a 2-week cruise vacation to the Bahamas in March, all by myself. Maybe find a nice Cabana boy to take back to my stateroom. Apparently that’s not happening, now. I hate our government in times like this.”

Many taxpayers echoed Jordan’s feelings, saying that they need their money sooner rather than later.

“This is going to really kill my February,” said taxpayer Joe Goldsmith, a recently divorced bachelor in Missouri. “I work a crappy retail job, and barely can make ends meet on my weekly paycheck, so I was planning on doing an early file, and getting my money back by February. Even though my bitch ex-wife said I should save it for alimony, I was going to use it to buy a big screen TV and throw a Super Bowl bash for myself and some friends. I guess I will just watch the game alone on my 27″ tube TV instead. Thanks, Obama.”

According to Earnest, the deadline for filing your Federal Income Tax Returns will remain April 15th, with checks and direct deposits being made starting October 15, 2015.

Secret CDC Memos Reveal Strain of Ebola Virus Has Gone ‘Airborne’

Posted on October 17, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The threat of the Ebola virus has gripped the country over the last several weeks, spreading across social media and internet news sites faster than the actual virus, but the one topic that concerned people the most is the idea that Ebola, which is normally contracted through contaminated bodily fluids, had become an airborne disease, similar to the way the common cold and influenza viruses are spread.

Even now, the Center for Disease Control in Washington says that Ebola has not gone airborne, and that you are not likely to get it if you just follow normal health precautions; washing your hands after using the bathroom, washing fruits and vegetables before eating, saying your nightly prayers, and not licking the open sores of Ebola patients or dead.

All of that is ‘hogwash,’ though, according to a CDC insider who has obtained memos from high-ranking officials within the organization. He says that Ebola has mutated itself into an airborne disease, and that a worldwide pandemic is already underway.

“You’ve seen the news already about the government purchasing disposable coffins. Did you think that was a joke?” Said the CDC insider, who spoke to us anonymously. “Ebola is one of the deadliest diseases you can catch. Sure, only 2 people in the United States have it right now. Sure, it’s only killed about 5,000 people since 1976, compared to the almost 36,000 people who die of the flu every year. And sure, it’s hard to contract right now – but soon it won’t be.”

The anonymous source says that he obtained confidential memos that state that there is a strain of Ebola that the CDC is trying to hide, and that the viral nature of the new disease has already caused it to spread quickly.

“The standard Ebola is called EBOV, from its own genus, ebolavirus. The new strain is being referred to as EBON, from the genus ebolanet, stemming from the fact that Ebola has gone ‘airborne’ across the internet and social media, almost inciting a mass panic. Truth of the matter is, the odds of anyone in a first-world country with modern health technologies, like the United States, contracting the actual Ebola virus are near zero, but catching this new, panic-inducing media strain is almost a 100% certainty.”

The insider says that the best ways to avoid contracting this violent new strain of Ebola are to ‘ignore hype,’ ‘do your own research,’ and ‘stop believing everything you see on the internet.’

Sean Hannity Fired From Fox Network, Blames Liberal Smear Campaign

Posted on October 17, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Shockwaves rippled throughout the broadcast journalism community today, with the news that conservative political commentator and show host Sean Hannity was fired by Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes.

Hannity, a Fox News programming staple since 2008, will be replaced by a new, yet-to-be-named animated news and current events show produced by Seth MacFarlane, creator and producer of Family Guy, and American Dad.

“This is a business,” remarked Ailes, when questioned outside Fox News Headquarters in New York. “Hannity was great, it performed well, but numbers were going down. People get tired of hearing the same old complaints. Maybe we’ll open up a spot for Sean if Hillary gets elected. The well’s running dry on fresh, new Obama criticisms. Even I was saying ‘haven’t we done this already?’”

Reportedly too distressed to face reporters himself, Hannity’s close friend and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin made a post to her Facebook page, deriding the decision to remove Hannity from broadcast.

“Doggonit here we go again with the further erodation (sic) by the liberal ‘lamestream’ media folks over there, with those goshdarn attacks on REAL Americans like the great Sean Hannity, who was sadly removed from our precious airwaves today. I will continue to defend our ideals and our dearly held freedoms as these pre-packaged, left-wing newsbites are prepared in easy-chew pills for the masses, and a certain member of the White House continues to shuck and jive his way through it all.”

No mention was made of Hannity’s immediate future in the television broadcast journalism realm. He will continue to host The Sean Hannity Show on radio, which made its national debut in September, 2001.

Police Officer Refused To Defend Himself From Beating By Teenager

Posted on October 15, 2014 by skullman

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

A police officer in Charleston is being commended by his superiors today after he refused to defend himself from a brutal attack by a teenager while on duty two night ago.

According to reports, officer Charles Brown, a veteran patrolman, was savagely attacked by an African-American juvenile around 11pm Monday evening while performing a routine traffic stop. Dash cameras and microphones in the police vehicle show Brown, who is described by everyone who knows him as easy-going and extremely mild-mannered, as pulling over a black Toyota Tacoma pick-up truck that had a broken tail light. He asked the driver of the vehicle, a 17-year-old male (whose name is not being released because of his age) for his license and insurance card, and is immediately struck in the face by an object flying from the driver’s side window.

“It was all a blur, really,” said Brown, who is recovering from injuries in a local Charleston hospital. “I asked the boy for identification, and then something struck me in the face. I went down, and was blinded for a second from the shock, my eyes watering. Next thing I know, I’m being pelted by kicks to the ribs and face.”

Brown’s commanding officer says he suffered several broken ribs, a broken wrist, a partially collapsed lung, and minor bruising to his face, but was lucky to have not defended himself in any way, or else the entire ordeal could have gone very badly.

“Officer Brown will recover, and his wounds will heal,” said Captain Joseph Goldsmith. “This could have gone very badly, though, we admit that. If Officer Brown, who is a well-built white male had attempted any sort of defense, or God-forbid, attacked this teen back, then this could be a media firestorm. Officer Brown did the right thing, taking the beating, and I encourage any police officer who may be faced with a similar situation to act in a similar manner.”

Captain Goldsmith went on to say that the teenager, who was later arrested holding up a liquor store, will face criminal charges including illegal possession of a firearm, grand theft, resisting arrest, and assault on a police officer.

A candlelight vigil was held outside the hospital, with many officers and family members showing up to pray for a speedy recovery for officer Brown.

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Arrested, Deposed

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PYONGYANG, North Korea –

It had been several weeks since North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was last seen in public, during a concert he attended with his wife on September 3rd. Rumors swirled that he had become ill or perhaps even died, but because of intense media control in North Korea, there were more questions than answers during his disappearance.

Earlier this morning, photographs began to surface in the United States of a visibly beaten and bruised Kim Jong-un being led by what appear to be police or military officers, and we have come to learn that he has been deposed, quickly and forcefully removed from power. Full details at this time are unknown, but what has been learned is that Jong-un was taken and apparently tortured after the concert on September 3rd, held in an unknown location for several weeks.

North Korean government leaders had been hiding the fact that Jong-un was unaccounted for, and have so far made no public comments since he has resurfaced. Although definitely pleased with having their dictator removed from power, North Korean citizens are so far refusing to celebrate, for fear of government retaliation.

At this time, it is unknown who was involved in the takedown of the North Korean leader, and if the United States or other countries were part of or privy to the overthrowing.