Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady Announces Retirement, Says NFL ‘Just Not Challenging Anymore’

Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady Announces Retirement, Says NFL 'Just Not Challenging Anymore'

 

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

After leading his team, like a fearless warrior against arrogant showboating thugs, to a come-from-behind victory over the defending Super Bowl champions the Seattle Seahawks last night, four-time Lombardi Trophy winning quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement from the NFL. The announcement came in an unscheduled, private press briefing, which consisted of only six people, including wife Gisele, head coach Bill Belichick, team owner Robert Kraft, and two reporters, at the team’s headquarters in Foxborough.

“While I am greatly honored to have been a key part of this incredible franchise, it is with bittersweet sentiment that I stand before you and announce that I have decided to end my career with a bang,” the fifteen-year NFL veteran said. “The game has just become too easy, it’s just not challenging anymore.  Look at this game film again. As you can see, I threw the two interceptions on purpose just to make the game more exciting. It was kind of like playing a toddler in Madden on XBox, and letting them get a ten-point lead so that the victory seemed more exciting. Today’s players just don’t have the skill-set or passion. When people start accusing you of deflating footballs, there is an issue.”

Brady, who is married to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, completed a Super Bowl record of 37 passes, and threw for 4 touchdowns. He went on to discuss tenative future plans. “Well I think I am going to take some time to relax, enjoy my sexy wife, and eventually pursue a career in modeling to keep busy,” Brady stated confidently.

Belichick, who was standing with his back against the rear wall, stated that coaching Brady was a pleasure, but the team would move on without him happily. “Tom was a great quarterback for this franchise and I love him dearly, but it’s time for him to go. I am glad I had the opportunity to make him who he is. He couldn’t have done it without me.”

 

UFC Fighter Connor McGregor Plans to Melt Down Featherweight Belt Into Pot of Gold

UFC Fighter Connor McGregor Plans to Melt Down Featherweight Belt Into Pot of Gold

 

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Irish No. 1 contender Connor McGregor has stated that he is ready to make the UFC Gold his own in a unique way. At a press conference in Las Vegas, McGregor stated that after he defeated Jose Aldo for the Featherweight title, he would melt down the belt into a pot of gold.

“It will be a glorious day for all of Ireland when the belt is wrapped around my waist,” McGregor boastfully stated. “It will be an even more glorious day when I melt the gold down into a lump of shiny perfection and place it into a black pot. Contenders will have to follow the rainbow to the end, where I’ll be waiting for them.”

McGregor is set to fight Aldo on Memorial Day weekend, as the headliner for a UFC PPV in Las Vegas. Aldo is the only man to have held the Featherweight belt, and has successfully retained the belt nine times. When questioned about the contender’s intentions, UFC President Dana White seemed curiously on-board with the idea.

“The kid is a monumental God damn talent. I can’t wait to see what he does. You’ve got Jose Aldo, who is the best fighter on the planet, and this McGregor kid who is literally the greatest sonofabitchin’ challenger we have ever seen. He’s fearless, and if he can take that belt from Aldo, nobody can stop him from doing what he wants.”

The UFC gold has held distinction over the last decade as one of the most sought-after accomplishments for combat athletes. Until now, no one had ever mentioned an interest in fashioning the gold adornment to his/her own personal liking. That will all change if McGregor is successful.

When reached for questions regarding the challengers intentions, Jose Aldo stared silently into the recording device until the reporter finally walked away.

Patriots Coach Bill Belichick Eyed By Political Parties For Presidential Nomination

Patriots Coach Bill Belichick Eyed By Political Parties For Presidential Nomination

 

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts – 

Bill Belichick’s image may be seen on more popular sports websites soon, as whispers across the Beltway indicate that the New England Patriot’s coach is now a recruitment target of the political elite.

With the Super Bowl fast approaching, many have their minds locked into the strategies and game plans that will be employed by the Patriots and Seattle Seahawks. However, according to sources, some big-wigs in the political realm have their eyes set on one particular mastermind for a wholly different reason.

“Bill Belichick would be a great ‘get’ for any political party,” a Capitol Hill source stated. “Think about it. Football is the new opiate of the masses, and you have an entire section of America, an important voting sector, that love that man more than their mothers. To harness the power of sporting fandom and translate it to politics would be a surefire way to gain footing in the political realm.”

His popularity isn’t the only reason Belichick is being sought after, though, according to the source. “The way he’s handled controversy with ease is the envy of many on The Hill. Most of the political elite can be brought down by a single scandal. But not Belichick.”

It is true that Belichick has somehow been able to remain relatively unscathed. In 2007, New England was caught taping opponents practices, and escaped with just fines. Now, in 2015, the Patriots were found to be deflating footballs. The latter controversy was all be squashed only a week after it was noted. Anyone can get away with a single controversy through nothing more than luck. However, the Patriots leader has now survived two without so much as a hint at resignation.

The unnamed source continued by saying, “Spygate showed he had what it takes to survive a political storm. But Deflategate is where he showed that he has that impervious spirit of politics, and is immune to the ire of the populous. That shows true talent and any part would be lucky to have him.”

When asked which party has attempted to court Belichick, the source laughed, stating, “I can’t think of a party that hasn’t offhand. Maybe the Boiling Frog Party in Colorado? Everyone wants him. They want to make him President. And if he’s even remotely interested, they will make it happen.”

Division One Athletes To Begin Receiving Annual Salary Based On School’s Revenue

Division One Athletes To Begin Receiving Annual Salary Based On School's Revenue

 

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The National Collegiate Athletic Association has announced an unprecedented change to its rules, when the organization officially announced today that all division one athletes will be paid a salary based on the revenue created by their respected sports and schools.

The NCAA Labor Revenue Act (NCAA-LRA) will go into effect January 1, 2016. This is huge news for college athletes involved with the top college programs in their sport. For example, basketball players for the University of Kentucky could bring home as much as $50,000 for one season of basketball, according to NCAA-LRA Chairman Bob O’Dell.

“We believe this is a fair arrangement. The top programs, such as Ohio State, Alabama, Kentucky, Louisville, Oregon, and Notre Dame, just to name a few, bring in millions of dollars in revenue every single year based on the performance of their sports programs. This is a new age, and we must give back to the student-athletes what they put in,” O’Dell said.

Many division-1 athletes have fought for years with the belief that they should see some of the money that they help bring in to their respective schools. The University of Louisville basketball program, which is endorsed by ADIDAS, has been the number-one revenue earner for college basketball for several years running. The money earned by the program went straight to the university, used for whatever use it deemed necessary.

Kentucky head coach John Calipari says that it is about time. “We have technically been paying these kids out of our pocket for several years. We appreciate the fact that our boosters and alumni have made sure our basketball players have been driving around in nice cars and sporting bling, but the university itself should have to pay also,” Calipari said. “They make millions, and it’s time they shared the wealth.

 

Lamar Odom Pawns 2010 NBA Championship Ring For $200, Never Returns To Pay On Loan

Lamar Odom Pawns 2010 NBA Championship Ring For $200, Never Returns To Pay On Loan

 

BURBANK, California –

Lamar Odom recently pawned his 2010 NBA championship ring to a pawnbroker in Burbank, California. Jeffrey Newman, who owns and operates ‘Effin Jeffin’s Pawn Shop’ began displaying the ring under his glass top counter, along with its price tag of $10,000.

Newman said that Odom himself walked in on a typical Wednesday afternoon in August, and wanted to pawn the ring for $200. “It was crazy. He just came in and said he wanted to pawn the ring and did not want to have to pay more than $250 to get it back. So we set it up so that he was given a $200 loan, and he never came back during the 90 day period, so I am officially the owner now,” Newman said.

Odom has been the center of controversy in the past couple of years after a rocky relationship with Khloe Kardashian, who he married in September of 2009. After months and months of rumors that Lamar was addicted to crack cocaine, Khloe divorced Odom in December of 2014. Many say his life spun out of control at that point. He signed a deal with a professional basketball team in Spain, where he averaged only one point per game. He quit after only two games played.

Newman says he really doesn’t want the ring to sell right away. “I put a tag of ten-grand on it because I think it won’t sell for that much, and it is a great conversation piece. I have had many people try to buy it for up to five grand though – and I just refuse to budge on that price.”

Asked whether or not he would allow Odom to buy the ring back, he said he would, but not for what it was pawned for. “I’d sell it back to him for $2,000 if he walked through that door right now. Not a penny less,” Newman replied.

 

Tom Brady’s Wife Gisele Bündchen Says She’ll Sleep With Super Bowl MVP

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts – Tom Brady’s Wife Gisele Bündchen Says She'll Sleep With Super Bowl MVP

Tom Brady’s supermodel wife, Gisele Bündchen, has reportedly put her body where her mouth is. After the Patriot’s crushing loss to the Giants in Super Bowl XLVI, Brady’s wife says that she is offering the team an incentive to step up their game for this year – by offering to sleep with the MVP when the Pats win. 

“I want my husband to get his fourth Super Bowl ring,” said Bündchen. ”I’m hoping by offering to sleep with the MVP, the rest of the team will work as hard as Tom always does. Tom wants to win too, of course, and I know he’s behind this decision. The whole idea really gets the team fired up. Plus, Tom’s pretty confident that when they win, which they obviously will, that he will be the MVP. Secretly, it’s the only reason that I’m even doing this. I wouldn’t sleep with a football player if I wasn’t already married to one. Plus, my God, can you imagine sleeping with anyone on the Seahawks? Yikes. It does help, too, that Tom’s the sexiest hunk to ever wear pads.”

“Well I know as far as I’m concerned, I’m definitely going to play harder,” said New England’s Rob Gronkowski. ”Personally, I’d really to showing Gisele why it is that I’m a tight end.” 

“Gisele is a real team player, and she is going to make this victory extremely sweet,” said Brady. “In all honesty, there’s no doubt in my mind that I will be MVP, so I really don’t care about this whole ‘announcement’ anyway. I supported her because, hell, it’s just nice to see the team fired up for once. Plus, all this talk about my smoking hot wife really takes your mind off deflated balls, if you know what I mean.”

Kevin Durant Accused of Being Illuminati By Teammates

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma – Kevin Durant Accused of Being Illuminati By Teammates

After a grueling loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers earlier in the week, the topic of conversation in the locker room of the Oklahoma City Thunder should be on the game. Instead, the only thing anyone is talking about is the high possibility of player Kevin Durant’s involvement with the Illuminati.

“There is definitely something up with that kid,” said head coach of the Thunder, Scott Brooks. “He used to be so incredibly nice. He was the most polite person ever. Once the Illuminati got their claws into him, though, things have turned around drastically. Kevin has the second most technical fouls in the league right now. I just don’t know what to do with him.”

The Illuminati was a secret society started in the late 1700s. At that point, it was designed to thwart government power and prejudices. Over time, though, the group changed, and they became less about stopping the powers-that-be from running the country and its people, and moved to become the group that ran the world.

“He’s making money. He’s not spending it. We haven’t seen him buy anything extravagant. He lives the life of a pauper outside of the stadium, and it’s frightening,” said a member of the team, speaking on the guise of anonymity. “The rest of us guys, we go out and blow money on whatever we want. I’ve got 16 cars in my garage. I’ve got mountains of girls in my bed. I’ve got it all, baby. Durant…man, Kevin…his money…He must be giving it all to those Illuminati peoples.”

Reportedly, Durant has been ostracized during pre-game warm ups and after game drills.

“They won’t help me out. They won’t pass me the ball in games. I can’t even get any of the guys to talk to me anymore. They think I’m some kind of freak,” said Durant, clearly frustrated with his team’s actions towards him. “I can honestly say that I am not in the Illuminati. I don’t even know who they are or what they’re about. Man, I’m 26 years old and I play pro ball. How much do you really think I know about the world? I only heard of the Illuminati the same way everyone else did – watching them movies with Tom Hanks.”

Well of course he said he’s not Illuminati,” said Brooks, when told about what Durant said. “Did you really think he was going to admit it? All I’m saying is…there are signs.”

Durant could not be reached for further comment. A spokesperson for the NBA, who wishes to remain anonymous, did say that the NBA has their suspicions, but are not currently taking any action at this time.

Canadian Football League Announces Field Color, Length Changes

MONTREAL, Canada – Canadian Football League Announces Field Color, Length Changes

Football fans watching the Canadian Football League games starting in the 2016 season will see a few changes related to the field of play.

CFL officials are citing these changes as “improvements to the game,” and will start with a complete alteration to the size of the playing field – They will be introducing the world’s first and only metric football field. The customary 110-yard long field will change to 110-meters, which is actually just slightly over 120 yards, forcing the players to run the extra distance to score a touchdown.

Other alterations coming to the CFL include a change in the color of the grass from green to magenta, with the lines and markings on the field changing from white to brown. League officials claim the color changes will make the game easier to follow on live television, and will not interfere with various forms of color blindness.

“What a crock of shit these changes are,” said Roger Eh, a former player for the Toronto Toughs. “The changes have nothing to do with the fans. The league has been pissed off at players filing grievances during the off-season regarding the distance they run in an average game.”

CFL officials say that they will stick by their plan to make the game more fun for fans with vision problems, and explained it in a news release with the statement. “The Canadian Institute for the Blind has endorsed these enhancements, and fully support the CFL in leading the way in addressing these issues.”

Former Montreal Muffdivers running back Michael “Frenchy” Gravee agrees with the CFL union, saying the white-on-green combination has always been the recognized standard in the world of football.

“These horrible colors the league is trying to use do nothing more than ‘gay up’ the game. As for these distance changes, clearly the CFL does not want any more records set or broken,” Gravee said, as he currently holds a number of those distance records. “It is a sad day for football when you have to try to figure out where your 30-meter line is, and why the players are on their fourth down with centimeters to go. Who the hell knows anything about centimeters?”

There has not been a statement made by the union representing the CFL officials, although Gravee speculates that “The only blind ones on the field are the officials, and colors aren’t going to fix that.”

Former Patriots, Broncos Cornerback Marquice Cole Overdoses On Marijuana

DENVER, Colorado – Former Patriots, Broncos Cornerback Marquice Cole Overdoses On Marijuana

Controversy arose today in Denver, Colorado, as free agent NFL Cornerback Marquice Cole, formerly of the Denver Broncos, became yet another  documented case of overdose on the drug marijuana.

Marijuana, commonly known by the street name “weed,” was made legal in the state of Colorado in 2012 when Colorado Amendment 64 was passed through the state legislature. On January 1st, 2014, the first legal “weed shops” were opened to much controversy. Since then, several people throughout the state have overdosed from smoking large amounts of the drug, and there are at least 2 confirmed deaths in relation to smoking or eating marijuana.

Cole has stated that he was not a user before the law was passed, but as soon as it became legal and easy to get, it was all he was doing in his off time.

“It’s hard, when you’ve got as much money as us pro-athletes do, not to spend that cash somewhat…unwisely, at certain points,” Said Cole from his hospital room in Benchley Memorial Hospital, just outside Denver. “I bought cars and normal things, but as soon as weed became legal, and people were doing it all the time around me, I started spending my money there. It was crazy how much I was buying.”

Cole stated that a friend first offered him marijuana, and he instantly became hooked, a claim that most people who smoke weed have also reported. Cole says he started visiting multiple dispensaries throughout the day to buy as much as he could, purchasing the legal limit at each shop, as well as spending money on “how-to” books, and materials needed to grow in his own home. He claims that before he overdosed, he was smoking upwards of a pound or more in a day.

“It’s sad, really, that people think you can’t get ‘too high.’ That you can’t overdose. It can happen if you’re smoking enough,” Said Dr. Emmett Brown, who is specialist at Benchley Memorial dealing with drug addictions and overdose cases. “Usually we see cocaine or heroin abuse amongst athletes and celebrities, but there is no doubt that someday the puff-puff-pass could make you end up in the ER.”

“If I had it all to do over again, I would probably cut back a bit,” Says Cole, who is expected to recover from his overdose, albeit with several weeks of physical therapy. “This might have ruined my life. It might have ended my life. It certainly will be putting a huge damper on my career.”

So far, there has been no movement by the Colorado government to repeal the law, despite mounting pressures from activists and anti-marijuana crusaders throughout the state, as well as the rest of the country. Cole himself hopes that his ordeal will make people think twice before getting hooked on marijuana.

“I wish I’d never tried it, honestly,” said Cole in an impassioned speech to reporters and fans. “To any kids out there, just know, that no matter what they say, a drug is a drug – and it can ruin everything.”

As of this writing, no word on whether Cole will face any suspensions or penalties from the NFL.

Pacquiao, Mayweather Take Jabs At Each Other Via Social Media

MIAMI, Florida – Manny Pacquiao, Floyd Mayweather Toss Insults Over Who Could Win Fight

Two of the highest paid athletes in the world are all set to meet glove-to-glove in the ring. There have been rumors of this fight happening for several months, and after all the drama, the contracts, and the disappointments, fans can finally prepare themselves to see these two settle it in the ring.

The high-profile fight reportedly began to take shape last year, when friends of Floyd “Money” Mayweather began mercilessly teasing him, claiming that he would never take a fight with Pacquiao because he knew that he would lose. Apparently, Mayweather took this as a challenge, a blow to his ego that rattled his cage enough to agree to get in the ring.

“I’m not afraid of anyone,” says Mayweather via Facebook. “I will step in the ring with King Kong himself, and I’d whoop that monkey’s ass, too. They say money can’t buy you happiness, but I tell you what – I’ll feel extremely happy when I get the extreme amounts of cash from this fight purse. In no way, shape, or form will Manny be able to stand toe-to-toe with me.”

It appears that Mayweather has it in his head already that the fight is in the bag, and he should breeze though it as if it was just any punk off of the street. This may or may not be the case, but in Pacquiao’s eyes, the outcome of the fight will be completely different.

“I’m going to punch him in the face until he can’t get up,” said Pacquiao via Instagram, being as literal as possible in his description of the fight. “I will hit him with my left fist, then I will hit him with that same left fist. Then perhaps a right fist. Eventually, when he is down, I will laugh in his face. Wait and see. All his money, it won’t be able to save him in the ring. Well, maybe he can use a $100 bill to wipe away the blood and tears.”

“Blood and tears? That sonofa—. You know what I’ll use that $100 bill for?” Said Mayweather, in response via Twitter. “I’m going to use that $100 bill to buy a box of tissues, probably Kleenex brand, because they’re way softer than money for wiping away tears. Also, I’ll expect at least $97 in change from that $100, and I’ll put that back in the bank. Can’t be too careful in this economy.”

The full fight card has not yet been announced, but the pay-per-view planning stages are underway.

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