MLB Announces Designated Hitter Position To Be Abolished In All Leagues

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK, New York-

Officials for the Major League Baseball Organization have confirmed a huge rule change that will impact the game of professional baseball indefinitely. A new rule will make it impossible for any team to use a designated hitter in their lineup beginning this season.

The decision was made after commissioner Robert D. Manfred Jr felt it unfair for a player to only hit, and felt that each player should hold more then one role in baseball.

“It was a tough call, but my team has backed me and agreed that this ban will make the game a lot more exciting,” said Manfred. “The salaries some of these guys get to just go up and bat is crazy. Granted they are helping their teams, but we want to implement a game that makes players depend more on their stamina and inner power. We don’t want our players to think at some point in their career they can get lazy and just sit on the bench and hit a ball every once in a while.”

Each team has until spring training to update their lineup, and any DH player that they have must be listed into a defensive position.

“The National League doesn’t have a DH position, so why does the American League need one? Pitchers will just start having to learn to bat. If they can’t sucks for them. If anyone has a problem with the new ban of the DH position, they can go find a new game to play,” said Manfred. “I don’t know how many jobs there are that require people to hit balls and catch them, but I feel that the rule will be taken hold by the teams just fine.”

NY Mets Ready to Forfeit Season; Spare Fans Heartache Of Multiple Losses

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

NEW YORK, New York –

Baseball owners of the New York Mets have called a meeting for Tuesday, February 17. Rumor has it that the owners will be making the unprecedented move of forfeiting the season. The reasons will be made clear on Tuesday, but many suspect the reasoning behind the move is to avoid New York fans getting their hopes up this year.

“The idea will likely be to spare the fans the disappointment that has been seen year after year in New York,” said New York Post columnist, Joel Sherman. “Every year the fans get their hopes up for a new season filled with new talent. Then at some point they remember that they are fans of the Mets, and everything falls apart. I think the owners would rather work on the team under-board and allow fans to get to their summer plans without worrying about the team or the standings.”

The idea to forfeit the season would not mean the team would not play, however. Rather, the players would simply not be required to show up, nor would the coaches be required to coach in their respective positions if they didn’t feel like it.

“Think of it as volunteer work at that point,” explained Sherman. “This does open up some fun opportunities for fans as well. If players don’t feel like taking the field, fans could volunteer their time and fulfill a dream of playing for the New York Mets. No pressure, just fun!”

If the press conference goes as planned, fans will be able to sign up online to be on call to take positions as needed. The system will work something like jury duty, with 20 fans being called at a time, who will then be widdled down to four who will sit on the bench or play in the field as needed.

Manager Terry Collins had this to say about the idea, “I like it. It takes the pressure off of me for this season. Realistically I had about half the season before they fired me. Now I can at least focus on getting the right talent ready for 2016, while fans get a chance to really enjoy the season. A 120-loss season won’t look so bad when we’ve already forfeited. Hell, 42 wins would look pretty good in that case.”

LA Clippers Guard Chris Paul Ordered To Avoid Women for Three Months

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

LOS ANGELES, California –

On February 6, Clipper’s guard Chris Paul noted his disdain for a referee after a game. Following his critique of the referee, the player was disciplined. Now, Paul is in hot water after expressing his anger at a female valet at a night club. The player has now been instructed to make zero contact with females for a minimum of 90 days.

The NBA issued a directive to Chris Paul and the Clippers, stating that the player was not allowed to make any form of contact with females. This included eye contact of any kind. The Clippers declined to comment on the issue, stating that the Players Association would be handling their response.

The NBA issued a statement on their own behalf.

“The National Basketball Association feels no obligation to stand by a player who decides to mistreat individuals based on color, creed, or gender. Mr. Paul has continuously violated the trust of the Association, as well as the good faith of the female fans. Thus, Mr. Paul will be instructed to avert his eyes from any and all females until the Association feels he can do so without negative incident.”

Chris Paul was not available for comment, but his attorney made it clear that the player would not take the ruling lying down.

“My client did not mistreat anyone based on anything but incompetence,” said Mori Silverman. “The referee was out of line in the initial incident, and handled the situation poorly. The valet ran my client’s car into a pillar. The damages were more than $15,000 in total. My client is allowed to vent is anger at any individual for such behavior. It should not matter if it is a man, woman, ostrich, or egg.”

Boxing Champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. Admits He Does Not Want To Fight Manny Pacquiao

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rapper Curtis “50-Cent” Jackson recently told Sports Illustrated reporter Chris Mannix that he thought that Floyd Mayweather was “scared to death” to fight Manny Pacquiao, implying that Mayweather was afraid of getting beaten or hurt. When Mayweather was asked about the rumor by Los Angeles Observer reporter Nick Tomlinson, Mayweather admitted that he did not want to fight Pacquiao, and would rather do “anything else” than step into the ring with him.

“Hell na, I don’t want to fight Manny Pacquiao,” Mayweather said. “But I ain’t scared of 50-Cent so he can just shut his damn mouth, he don’t speak for me, he is just a punk. I bet he would be scared to fight Manny, too, so I don’t know who he think he is – for real, I wouldn’t say I am scared to death to fight the dude, but I sure as the hell don’t wanna take the chance, even though I think I’d beat his little ass. I can’t be beat, nobody can or ever will beat me, but I will fight who the hell I wanna fight, put that in your little damn newspapers!”

Pacquiao responded to Mayweather’s statements with laughter. “You can’t take that guy [Mayweather] seriously. He says he cannot be beat but yet he admits he don’t want to fight? In the boxing business that means you are scared. If he is not scared, my message to him is to quit dodging the paperwork and lets make this thing official, Floyd Mayweather, will you or will you not fight me? You cannot runaway any longer. It is time to get this things set up, quit being a punk.” Pacquiao said.

Kobe Bryant Announces Retirement From NBA

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kobe Bryant has made an official announcement through his publicist, Michelle Conway, stating that he will retire after this basketball season, with plans to enroll in adult acting classes to pursue his dream of becoming a Hollywood star.

Conway said in the statement that Bryant has always loved playing basketball, but said that his lifetime dream is to be an actor. “Kobe wants all of his fans to know that he is very grateful for the overwhelming support he has received over the years, but he wishes to go after his lifetime goal of being an actor,” Conway announced. “He has awards and championship rings up the wazoo, but his dream is to place an Oscar on his mantle. He sincerely hopes that his fans will understand, and continue to support him by seeing any and all of his future films.”

Former teammate Shaquille O’Neal stated that Bryant always talked about being an actor after he finished his career in basketball.

“He was always talking about how he wanted to be an actor when he ‘grew up.’ I wish him the best, he was good at the game, but showbiz is a totally different beast,” O’Neal said. “I don’t expect him to have it as easy as I did, it just came natural to me, like basketball does, but like everything else, he will have to just do what he has always done and fake his way through it, aiming for that gold. He should be all right in flicks.”

Bryant’s former coach Phil Jackson said that he believes in Kobe. “If he just uses the tools he learned as a player and finds peace within himself, keeps his mind open, and forever trusts in Buddah, he shall never fail,” Jackson commented.

Anderson Silva On Steroids: ‘I’m Just Bad at Tests’

Posted on February 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Disgraced UFC fighter Anderson Silva has hit back at findings that he used steroids prior to his fight with Nick Diaz. Speaking to Sports Illustrated magazine, he acknowledged the results, which found traces of steroids in his bloodstream, but put it down to being “bad at tests.”

“Even when I was a kid,” the Brazilian fighter reminisced, “they said I was stupid, and I got held back a few years. But everyone who knew me knew that I’m intelligent – even a genius – but I just can’t perform in tests. That’s why I don’t get the right results.”

His grandmother, in a large crowd of family members all speaking over one another, backed him up, saying in broken English, “Do they think a intelligent boy like him would have to be a wrestler if his school gave him benefit of doubt? They all crazy.”

Fans of Silva have jumped on the opportunity to clear their hero’s name, many admitting that they suffer from the same disadvantage.

“I can’t get a job,” slurred Samantha Highbrook. “My tests all come back positive for marijuana. But I’ve never done the pot in my life. The tests are all…crap…what was I saying? Damn, anyone have any Funyuns?”

Silva’s case has been adamantly supported by little Jimmy Jones’ mom Carla, from Florida, who says that her son suffers from the exact same type of discrimination in his elementary school.

“Good grades don’t show who’s clever,” she yelled at her son’s school board. “They show who is most prepared for arbitrary tests! My Jimmy is the smartest in his third grade class, and somehow he’s being held back, while kids like Ricky get perfect grades. So, what – my son is only good enough to grow up to be a UFC fighter, now? Jimmy told me the far too intense environment of a class test causes him to forget everything. Plus, his teacher never explains instructions well enough. It’s simply not fair!”

Other members of the PTA meeting nodded in agreement, while Ricky’s mother shouted that her son deserved the marks he got, and Jimmy was just an entitled, stupid piece of shit.

UFC Fighters Encouraged To Get Arrested To Make Them Look More ‘Badass’

Posted on February 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

In response to confirmed drug use among some of their biggest stars, the UFC has reportedly encouraged its fighters to get arrested in an attempt to bring back some of their now-doubted “badassery”. The organization is primarily concerned about kids getting badly influenced.

“With the whole steroids debacle, young fans might begin to get cynical, thinking that the image of our fighters is fake,” said UFC CEO, Lorenzo Fertitta. “If we don’t do something, they’re gonna believe that true badass fighters don’t exist, and that they’re really just regular people on ‘roids. We owe it to those kids to prove that our fighters really are as hardcore as they look.”

Peta Samuels, chairperson of Parents Against Pussy Kids (PAPK), promised to put pressure on the UFC to follow through with their promises.

“MMA is one of our core activities,” she wrote in an open letter. “Now that these drug charges have come to light, the entire foundation on which our activism is based has been compromised. Usually we would keep quiet about the internal affairs of other enterprises, but it’s our children who are at stake. We need them to know that there are true badasses out there, that their heroes are not all pussies.”

Child psychologist, Luther Brown, agreed. “The current era is a difficult one for kids to grow up in. With corporal punishment on the way out, increased activism against gun laws, and a no tolerance policy towards bullying, they have very few role models who can teach them what we learned naturally from our own parents’ example. Professional fighters are all that is left.”

There is, however, a significant minority against the news. An anonymous member of Pussy Parents Against Aggressive Kids (PPAAK) leaked information to the press that the group planned to continue its fight against badassery. They are expected to hand out flyers in zones assigned to them by authorities, politely asking that UFC fighters rather set the example of being nice, family-oriented people, who their little pussies can look up to.

Anderson Silva Banned From UFC After Failing Drug Test

Posted on February 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Fans of the UFC’s Anderson Silva are in shock after reports that the fighter tested positive for steroids. The news came after months of speculation and denials, and could be a nail in the coffin of one of the sport’s biggest stars.

“I was not aware that this sort of behavior was happening in our sport,” said UFC commentator Paul Manson. “I know about the whole Lance Armstrong thing, but that’s in cycling. Everyone does it in cycling. But this? I can’t think of a single rational reason why a pro fighter would dope. I think that’s why they’ve banned him for life – because this is so shocking to everyone, and they really need to set an example.”

Lifelong fan of Silva, Mickey Peterkofsky, believes his hero will bounce back from the charges.

“Andy never did drugs,” the twelve year old whined. “He doesn’t need to because he’s the strongest man in the world, ever. And if you don’t believe that, you’re stupid.”

The charges have led to a lifetime ban that signals the end of Silva’s career. Silva, however, continues to deny culpability.

“I beat Nick Diaz,” the Brazilian said. “That’s the problem. I beat him and he can’t take it like a man. So he set me up. He must’ve injected that shit in me during that slumber party he hosted. I knew it was dumb to accept an invitation from a rival, but he seemed so sincere about it at the time. We had so much fun play-wrestling that night, I can’t believe he did that to me.”

When it was pointed out to Silva that Diaz, too, had failed his drug test, the now ex-pro stated, “Okay, so maybe those brownies I brought him had a little pot in them. Maybe he injected me with roids in retaliation. But the point is, I didn’t dope, and I will never be able to trust another so-called ‘friend.’”

Nick Diaz, when asked for comment, said, “I’m thankful for what was a dick move on his part. I’d forgotten the joys of recreational marijuana, but now I see that it’s far better than a successful UFC career. Everybody just gotta chill.”

Seattle Coach Pete Carroll In ‘Depths of Depression’ Following Super Bowl Failure

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

SEATTLE, Washington –

Pete Carroll’s final play call at the end of Superbowl XLIX confused many in attendance, and viewers watching across the globe. Now, it appears that a sort of serious depression has taken control of the coach.

“I first want to apologize to the fans of Seattle,” said Carroll in his open letter. “But in the end, it doesn’t even really matter anyway. What does a hunk of metal and glass really mean anyway? It’s only a game. Only the biggest game. It’s nothing. We’re all nothing, right? Just specs in the universe. Who cares?”

With seconds remaining on the clock, the Seahawks flubbed an opportunity for a seemingly simple run by Marshan Lynch, instead opting for a quick pass that was intercepted by the Patriots. The play resulted in the Seahawks failing to capture their second title in as many years. Many have since questioned why Carroll made the call he did.

“To everyone who wants to spend all their time talking about the play, I say spend your time doing something better. I mean, who cares? This is football. People are starving all over the world. We should put more time and effort into that and less into football. Way less. It’s just a game. Nobody cares. This is all over. There’s always next year. There’s always next year…”

While many fans have shown disdain for the remarks, some close to Carroll have voiced concern, stating that on top of the loss, the weather in Seattle may be partially to blame for the coach’s current mood.

“I’ve never heard him talk like this before,” said wife Glena Coranson. “He is usually rather chipper, and turning on some music, like the Eagles or Peter Frampton will pick him right up. But the last couple days, all he wants to do is listen to Nirvana and Alice in Chains. I think he might have SAD.”

Psychiatrist and Mental Health Specialist, Dr. Ingrid Houffheim, who has not treated Carroll, said the recent letter from Carroll should not be taken lightly.

“Given the magnitude of his mistake, I’d say it is important to keep an eye on him,” Houffheim stated. “Even before the play happened, you could see Carroll did not have positive body language. His reaction is one of a sad acceptance. While I cannot diagnose a person without speaking with them first, I would not be surprised if Carroll drew up that play as a sort of self sabotage. If he didn’t though, then damn, what a stupid move!”

Carroll's Reaction — Carroll’s Reaction To the interception by the Patriots

Mike Tyson Says Budweiser’s ‘Lost Puppy’ Commercial Made Him Cry, Adopted Dog Next Day

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BROOKLYN, New York –

Once considered the meanest, baddest, and most powerful man on the planet, former undisputed heavyweight champion of the world as a professional boxer, Mike Tyson, in recent years has not been afraid of showing his emotional side. The previous statement was proven 100% true when the former knock-out artist told shock-jock Howard Stern that the Budweiser “Lost Puppy” commercial that aired during Super Bowl 49 made him cry, and for quite a while.

“Man, you know so I’m chillin, hangin with my boys and all that, life is good, ya know, hangin’ out, watchin the Super Bowl, eating those little hot dogs, and that puppy commercial comes on. Ya know man…I got so caught up in it, I could not stand it. Here it is this little sweet, innocent, lost puppy ya know, and I’m like man,” Tyson said.

Howard Stern, laughing, asked the former champ if his eyes got welled up with tears. “Man, don’t laugh Howard, but I was all like caught up, thinkin’ ‘is he gonna be okay? Will they ever find him?'” Tyson said, reliving the moment. “I could relate ya know as a boy I was…I was a damn mess. I was lost. So then the big horses busted loose and save him from the wilder-beast. Well whatever the hell that thing was..some kinda werewolf, I don’t know, whatever, you know, Howard?”

Tyson says that he was so moved by the commercial, that he went and adopted a dog the following morning.

“I started cryin’ and shit, and I had to leave the room. I went out on the roof to feed my pigeons, I cried for at least twenty minutes over that puppy, I mean damn we tryin to hang and Mike’s cryin over a puppy commercial? Can’t have the crew seein’ that ya know?” the charismatic Tyson stated. “Anyway..puppy made me cry man. So ya know what? I went and rescued a lil’ guy the next day to honor the puppy from the commercial. I named him ‘D-OG’. It felt good ya know?”