Boxer With No Arms To Make His Pro Debut

boxer

MEXICO CITY, Mexico – 

Boxing is a sport that takes fast hands, reflexes, and endurance. It is a game of chess, and you always have to be a move above your opponent just to land a clean punch. One of the toughest things about the sport is keeping your face and stomach from being blasted by a jab, and keeping your stamina up to survive those long, energy draining rounds.

Jorge Ramos, an amateur boxer, will be making his pro debut this month, and he brings something to the ring that no other boxer has brought before; both of his arms are missing, and he fights with just one stub.

Ramos was born with an infection in his arms, and as a kid had to have them removed. That didn’t stop him from living a normal life and striving to become a boxer, even though most people, including doctors, told him he would never be able to do so.

“I can’t believe that he is able to fight as well as he does,” said Ramos’ childhood physician, Dr. Pablo Escobar. “Ramos moves around the ring like a bird, avoiding punches by weaving his body back and forth. While he only has one part of his arm to strike with, he has found a way to knock out 6 of his 10 opponents in fights so far. I’ve been watching him grow, and he’s a modern marvel.”

Ramons has signed a bout with a fellow Mexican boxer, and tells the media that he will not only win, but he will knock him out in the first round.

 

 

Ronda Rousey To Fight Two Competitors At Once In Epic Bout

Ronda Rousey To Fight Two Competitors At Once In Epic Bout

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

On of the most dominate fighters to ever enter the octagon is making history with her next fight. Ronda Rousey has had fans of the UFC on the edge of their seats ever since see joined the league. Her power, submissions, and quick wins have put her on a level that makes her almost unstoppable to any of her opponents.

The only concern from the UFC is that people may stop watching her fights seeing how see continues to rain supreme. They fear that if she continues on this pace, people may not want to buy her fights on Pay-Per-View when they can easily be watched on social media sites the next day because they are so short.

UFC has announced today that in the next bout with Rousey, she will be taking on two female opponents to be named at a later date.

Dana White has confirmed this, and told us they would have never even thought of such a crazy thing until it was brought up by Rousey after her most recent win.

“She came to me after her most recent win and said ‘you’re going to have to put two fighters in the ring if you want to see a longer fight.’ I laughed and told her that she shouldn’t get to cocky, she then told me she wasn’t kidding and told me to set it up,” said White

The date for the fight has yet to be confirmed and as of now, no fighters have agreed to take part in it.

 

Baltimore Orioles Owner Says Playing In Empty Stadium Is Pretty Much ‘Business As Usual’

Baltimore Orioles Owner Says Playing In Empty Stadium Is Pretty Much 'Business As Usual'

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Owners for the Baltimore Orioles say that having to play a game in a completely empty stadium is just par for the course, and that having no fans in the stadium is just ‘business as usual’ for the team.

“We don’t have a lot of fans as it is,” says Orioles owner Joe Goldsmith. “We’re not the Yankees or the Red Sox. We don’t have fans paying tons of money to see our players and our team lose over and over again. The fact that we had to play to an empty stadium? Well, that’s pretty normal for us.”

The Orioles were forced to play a game that, although televised, was played to a completely closed-down stadium due to riots and violence erupting on the streets of Baltimore.

“We’ve never had to close the stadium before and lock people out of seeing the game, but on any normal day, it’s pretty much empty, anyway,” said Goldsmith. “I only hope that the riots end before the next game scheduled at home. We did lose a couple bucks on concession and beer sales that day.”

Scott Steiner Disappointed Hulk Hogan Refused to Fight to the Death

Scott Steiner Disappointed Hulk Hogan Refused to Fight to the Death

MIAMI, Florida – 

TMZ reported recently that pro-wrestler Scott Steiner, 52, threatened to kill wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, 61. According to the report, the two were recently involved in a fracas, with Steiner telling Hogan’s wife at an airport that he plans to “kill Terry [Hulk Hogan’s real name]”. Hogan proceeded to call the cops, eliciting an angry response from former ally Steiner.

“I can’t believe the pussy called the cops!” Steiner said. “What kind of a wrestler does he think he is? He used to be a legend but now he’s just soft. This is meant to be a fight to the death.”

Fans of Hogan are equally disappointed, expressing their dismay on Twitter en masse.

@wrestlemaniac: hulk you were my hero but now another person who has let me down

@hardforhogan: i cant belive the news today. hogan is not what he used to be #saddays

@ilovewrestledick: Wrestling is a man’s sport, and it is a man’s responsibility to kill or be killed #steinerforlife

Some have, however, stood up for Hogan.

@reasonablegentleman: The man has a family. He can’t risk his life just for his image

Analysts of the sport have dismissed the sentiment, insisting that a man of his stature cannot afford to be seen as weak.

“Look at him hiding from that chair [being thrown at his face – figuratively speaking],” said promoter Vince McMahon. “He’s cowering beneath his arms, begging for help! And now his colleague could get prison time for doing what a wrestler does. Come on, Hogan. Where is the Hulk?”

A spokesperson for the Hogan family told reporters that Hogan refuses to comment as yet, but that he is meditating like a complete f*****, trying to get over the oh-so-terrible shock of having his life slightly in danger.

Football Fan Certain That Referee Biased Against His Team

Football Fan Certain That Referee Biased Against His Team

DENVER, Colorado –

Emerging live from our coverage of the game today, a football fan is certain that the referee is biased against the team he supports. He is sure that the current call, which just went against one of his favorite players, is wrong, and that the referee blatantly favored the opponents.

“It’s clear from the start that he’s a fan of them,” said the man, groaning at another call going against his team. “He’s from wherever their team is from. Probably. That’s why they’re winning – they paid the ref! Why else would they be winning?”

Despite statistics coming from the game showing that his team have had more calls in their favor than the opponents, the man is nonetheless convinced that that only shows half the picture.

“Yeah, he’s given a few minor decisions for us,” the man said, referring to the team he supports as if he is part of it. “But the important stuff – they get all of it. It’s not fair.”

In a surprise twist, our reporters have discovered a fan of the other team who believes the referee is biased against his team, and is proud to say that they’re winning in spite of it.

“As you say, the majority of his decisions have gone in the other team’s favor,” this fan said, referring to the above mentioned statistic. “Clearly he must come from wherever their team is from. It’s not fair, but we’re good enough to win anyway.”

This fan, who apparently is an expert on body language and facial expressions, as well as psychology and sociology, told us that the way the ref looks at the opponents is with a softer glare than at his team’s members. He also asserted that although he has just learned that the referee is not from his side of town, the home city’s support of a different team must have caused a “reverse psychology sorta thing”, and that the referee’s decisions prove him correct.

At press time, we’ve got the two fans in a room together, arguing it out with impeccable logic and calm rationale.

NHL To Launch Street Hockey League During Summer Months

NHL To Launch Street Hockey League During Summer Months

NEW YORK, New York –

The NHL is excited to announce a new league they plan on starting this summer, and fans are saying it’s something that should have been done years ago.  It has been confirmed that June 2016 will be the first ever NHL Street Hockey tournament, and if all goes well it will be a permanent organization.

Teams and players will be scouted soon for the tournament, and for now it will be labeled as a summer all-star tournament as a test for an official league.

Representatives from the NHL think that this will be a billion dollar enterprise, but want to make sure that players and teams will have the stamina to play during the summer without interrupting the busy standard hockey season. The street league will entail almost the same rules as ice hockey, but will add in a few factors that will make the game even more exciting to watch.  One idea that has been batted around is adding small ramps in the playing field so players can get some air while going for a goal.

The league will also be open to professional rollerbladers and rollerskaters, assuming that those things still exist.

 

NASCAR Fans Disappointed That No Drivers Have Been Killed Recently

NASCAR Fans Disappointed That No Drivers Have Been Killed Recently

MIAMI, Florida – 

It’s been a quiet few months for NASCAR, and fans are beginning to grumble. Since August 2014, not a single driver has been killed, meaning the sport is nothing more than grown men playing racing cars. Kevin Ward Jr. was the flavor of the month when Tony Stewart seemed to accelerate into him, killing him and ending his short career.

“It’s no fun anymore, since Kevin’s death,” said long time fan, Huxley Turncroft. “They’ve increased safety regulations, and I can’t imagine we’ll see any further accidents of the kind in the near future. Drivers are just too scared to be reckless right now.”

NASCAR driver Jamie Dick has been hospitalized in the last few days, but apparently it’s because of health issues unrelated to driving. He certainly wasn’t hit in the head by debris on exiting his car after a crash.

“Dick is in our thoughts,” said NASCAR spokesperson Reynold Howards. “Dick is in the hands of gentle and caring nurses. But he has a boring illness, and no signs of having hit his head on the steering wheel.”

Stefan Howitzer, an analyst of sports injuries and deaths, says the world is going through an unusual dry spell.

“A couple of weeks ago, a footballer in England collapsed due to minor issues. Basically, he fainted. Nothing exciting. At the Cricket World Cup in Australia a batsman went to the doctor for a common cold, but no one has been killed by having a cricket ball hit them in the back of the neck. And NASCAR has been even worse. Drivers have been escaping serious injury by either not crashing or by having excellent safety equipment built into their cars. New technology is destroying the world of sport.”

A representative of the NASCAR Drivers Association hit back at reports, saying “we’re trying really hard to cause injuries and death. However, it is getting harder to do so without having legal recourse taken against us. Our experts are working hard on coming up with new strategies.”

Kentucky Basketball Coach John Calipari To Step Down After Season, Admits To Meeting With NBA Teams

Kentucky Basketball Coach John Calipari To Step Down After Season, Admits To Meeting With NBA Teams

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

Head basketball coach of the University of Kentucky John Calipari announced earlier this evening that this will indeed be his last season as the teams coach.

The 55-year-old head coach, who coaches the #1 ranked team in the nation, said that he is tired of trying to live up to the expectations of basketball fans in the state of Kentucky. “Ya know what? I am just sick and tired of winning all the time and it not being enough for our fans. Here in Kentucky it is win or bust. Meaning that if we don’t win it all this season, I have failed. I’m sick of it.” Calipari said.

When asked about the possibility of coaching in the NBA next season, Calipari did admit to meeting with a couple of teams. “Look, Yes I have met with a few NBA teams who are interested in having me coach their teams, but nothing is set in stone. I may take a year off all together and take time enjoying watching the game, something I have never done.”

While the winning coach has been at Kentucky, at the end of each season rumors have come to the surface as he has been a hot commodity in the coaching ranks. He has turned down several offers from NBA teams, something he now regrets.

“It has been great here, but like I said, the fans are a pain in the ass. I should have moved on last year while I had the chance. This won’t be the end of me though, you’ll see me coaching again, if not next season, then the season after that.

Local Moms to Let Go of the Soccer Excuse and Simply Get Together to Gossip and Shout Abusive Comments

Local Moms to Let Go of the Soccer Excuse and Simply Get Together to Gossip and Shout Abuse

 

SUBURBIA, United States – 

In a hammer blow to the growth of soccer in the United States, the nation’s moms have reportedly decided to let go of their long-time excuse and simply meet up to gossip and scream insults at each other. The move comes amid rumors of waning interest and unrest from the kids forced to play the sport.

“I don’t hate soccer,” said Eamonn Rogers, 12. “But it’s such a drag to hear mom shouting at my coach every week, making him play me in every game while she talks to Stan’s mom about my teachers giving me bad grades.”

Stan was quick to come out in support of his friend’s comments.

“I know my mom loves shouting at people,” he told Empire News. “She’s always doing it at home. Soccer has given her the perfect excuse to do so in public, and it’s quite embarrassing to be around. I’m quite relieved that shit is over.”

Chairperson of the local Union of Soccer Moms (USM), Tracey Povich, spoke on behalf of her friends and colleagues, in telling a press conference that “this has been a long time coming. The format of the games – an hour at most, with us having to watch out for stuff to remark to our kids about – does not facilitate good gossip time. We’ve now decided that an afternoon at the park is a better way to bitch about our ‘friends’ and shout at random people walking by.”

The MLS, however, is not impressed by the news, saying it will damage the sport, possibly irreparably, tarnishing America’s status in the game among the rest of the world in the process. However, some coaches have welcomed the news, saying that “at least we’ll no longer get pissy little brats who think their parents can get them into the squad. Having to deal with entitled mothers, used to bossing coaches around, is one of the worst parts of the profession. Sometimes we just give in to them, that’s why our league is still so bad.”

Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From NFL

Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From NFL

 

DENVER, Colorado –

A true NFL legend has reported hat he will be calling it quits with his football career. Peyton Manning, the long standing all-star quarterback, has announced he will retire, effective immediately. The star player says he would like to thank everyone who has helped him in his journey.

“I stayed in it for a few more years than I wanted, trying to finish my season with a Super Bowl win, but I realized that I may not have the ability to do that,” said Manning. “I want to go out with some pride. I would love another ring but these young guys are getting better and better, and I just can’t keep up. I’m not Tom Brady, after all.”

The team appears to be supporting Manning on his decision, and the official announcement is that they ‘appreciate the time’ they got to spend with him. Coaches of the team say they are upset with the loss of their quarterback, but tell us they have faith in their team and will find a way to win.

“I’ve had a great career with great people, I won a Super Bowl, broke records, and even got to make pizzas. Not every QB can say the same thing, and I’m grateful to say that I have,” said Manning.

The Denver Broncos have not announced who will be replacing Manning, but sources confirmed that Tim Tebow was called in for a meeting with the organization.

“I cannot confirm or deny the reports that we have met with the Tim Tebow,” said Denver Broncos spokesman Gerald Dyster. “Peyton Manning has announced he would be leaving the team, but that’s all we know right now. He’ll be missed, no doubt, by any true fan of the game. Thankfully, though, we’ve all still got Tom Brady to watch year after year.”

 

 

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