CM Punk Says He Will Be Returning To WWE In January

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STAMFORD, Connecticut – 

Former professional wrestler CM Punk, real name Phil Brooks, recently spoke with ESPN 8 about returning to the ring and working for WWE, and interviewers were quite surprised by Punk’s response when he was asked if he’d ever consider going back.

“Oh, I am going back,” said Punk, much to the surprise of ESPN anchors. “Yup, it’s a done deal. I’m going back in January.”

Punk, who was scheduled to begin his stint in the UFC, reportedly decided that the fights would be “too tough” for him, and he decided he enjoyed scripted fights better.

“Dana White gave me an opportunity to fight in the UFC, and I appreciate that. I signed on the dotted line and everything,” said Punk. “In thinking about it, though, there’s a pretty damn good chance that I’d get my ass whipped, and that’s not what I’m about. So instead, I went back to WWE. Vince took me back no problem, probably because that company is such a shit show right now that they can’t really not have me anymore. It’s going to be a good time.”

Dana White was reportedly developing a reality show that would focus on finding a contender for Punk’s first UFC bout, but has since cancelled the idea, and will instead use the show to focus on how in the hell Ronda Rousey sucked so much during her last championship fight.

Anonymous Source Says Ronda Rousey Was Paid To Take Dive, Lose To Holly Holm

rousey holm

SYDNEY, Australia – 

Former Bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey may have been paid to take a dive during her UFC 193 championship fight, according to anonymous sources.

In a letter that was sent to ESPN offices, a person alleges that he paid millions to have the fight between the two women fixed, saying that he bet big money on Holly Holm, who was at 6-1 odds of losing the bout, and even after an alleged payoff, made $10 million on the fight.

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“I have proof that I fixed the championship fight between Rousey and Holm at UFC 193,” read the letter, delivered from an anonymous gmail email account. “I made a substantial amount of money that night, over $10M. I paid Rousey $4M. She wanted to take time off anyway, and she knew it was a great offer.”

According to UFC officials, the fight was completely on the level, although fans weren’t so sure.

“Rousey fought like shit, like there was no way she was going to win, no matter how hard she tried,” said a UFC fan. “Holm? Who the hell is she anyway? It’s crazy that she was able to win against a woman whose last 10 fights had a combined time of one minute. I definitely think there was a fix.”

Representatives for the UFC organization say they are “looking into” the allegations.

UFC Champion Ronda Rousey Admits To Being Born A Man

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

UFC Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey has reportedly admitted that she was born a man, having undergone gender reassignment surgery when she was 15.

“I was born a man genetically, but I was definitely a woman on the inside,” said Rousey. “Coincidentally, I am still kind of a man on the outside, and that has definitely helped me to have a bit of an advantage in the ring.”

According to UFC rules, the only thing that designates whether a contender is a man or a woman is their genitals, and several people have come forward alleging that Rousey is, indeed, a woman now.

“I can honestly say that she definitely has the girl parts now,” said an anonymous UFC fighter. “I had no problem taking her in bed, but with that in mind, I can honestly say there’s no way in hell I’d ever want to step into the ring with her.”

“It doesn’t matter that I was born with a penis, which would also mean I was born with a completely different body style and ability to gain muscle mass and strength equal to that of a man, giving me a massive advantage over skinny, ugly women in the ring,” said Rousey. “What matters is how I feel about myself, and damn, I feel like a woman.”

Carmelo Anthony Reportedly Overdoses On Medical-Grade Marijuana

NEW YORK, New York – 

In 2004, Carmelo Anthony of the NBA’s New York Knicks was cited for trying to board a place with a bag of marijuana. Although Anthony claimed he was just “holding it for a friend” who had borrowed his bag, Anthony has apparently started dipping into that friend’s stash, as he was hospitalized on Friday evening with acute marijuana poisoning.

“Carmelo Anthony was admitted to the New York State General Hospital on Friday evening after reportedly smoking over a quarter of a pound of marijuana,” said hospital administrators. “This is the first instance of marijuana overdose in the world, and we are working diligently to make sure Mr. Anthony is comfortable.”

Doctors say that they are providing Anthony with plenty of fluids, including Monster Energy drinks, as well as foods to keep him stable, such as Bugles and Fritos.

“He’ll no doubt be on his feet again in no time,” said Anthony’s physician. “We do recommend, though, that he cut back on the amount of weed he smokes. That’s an awful lot to take in at one time.”

School Forced To Change Racist Mascot, Goes From ‘Warriors’ To ‘Wetbacks’

SKOWHEGAN, Maine – 

A small high school in Maine is fueling massive controversy after being forced to change their “racist” mascot name. The school, which has had the Warrior mascot for decades, decided to change the name after pressure from the community.

“This area of Maine has a high concentration of Native Americans, and the warrior name was extremely offensive,” said Skowhegan resident Joanne Fisher. “I was one of the ones who voted for the change, because I have some Native blood in me somewhere, and I was utterly offended when I moved to the area 2 months ago. I think the new name is a lot better. I’m not Mexican, so what do I care?”

The school chose to go with the new mascot, The Skowhegan Wetback, because they said that there are, in fact, no Wetbacks in the area.

“This area has a decent population of Indians, Jews, and we have some Wops and a couple Gooks, but they keep to themselves and don’t get involved in social issues anyway,” said school superintendent Joe Goldsmith. “I for one was fine with the Warrior name. I think it had more to do with spirit than with the red-skinned people around here, but whatever. The new name works, too.”

The school says that they will be abandoning the Warrior mascot at the end of the school year.

Lamar Odom Credits ‘Hookers, Cocaine’ For Saving His Marriage

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Lamar Odom, former LA Lakers basketball player, was rushed to a Los Vegas hospital last week after collapsing at one of Vegas’ many famous whorehouses. Reportedly spending almost $100,000 at the brother over several days, Odom collapsed after what doctors say was “too much cocaine” and “too many blowjobs.”

The silver lining for Odom, though, is that estranged wife, Khloe Kardashian, immediately rushed to his hospital bedside. According to anonymous sources at the hospital, she has yet to leave his side.

“Khloe has been sitting right there by Lamar’s bedside, and was patiently waiting for him to wake up,” said a nurse who asked not to be named. “The minute his eyes opened, she started crying, and said she’d never leave him.”

Despite Odom still having a long way to go to full recovery, including surgery to repair his kidneys, which are currently non-functioning, as well as lung issues, he reportedly credits “hookers and blow” for saving his marriage.

“If I wasn’t out there, snorting huge lines of crank of some hooker’s fat dumper, I would have never landed in the hospital, and Khloe and I might have never spoken again,” said Odom. “I am so glad that she is here by my side. Hookers and blow saved my motherfucking marriage!”

Pope Francis To Throw Out First Pitch At Philadelphia Phillies Game

pope phillies

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

Pope Francis concludes his first trip to the United States on Sunday by visiting the town that he says has the “least hope” for its citizens getting into Heaven, Philadelphia. After a parade and speech before Congress in Washington, D.C., and a quick stop in New York City, The Pontiff will reportedly toss out the first pitch at a Phillies game against the Washington Nationals, before heading back to The Vatican on Sunday evening.

“Oh yes, his Holiness is a massive baseball fan,” said Vatican spokesperson Gregory Bishop. “He considers it the ‘holy game’ and he watches as many games as he can from his home.”

According to Bishop, Pope Francis has been “extremely excited” for his chance to throw the first pitch at the Phillies game.

“To be honest, the Pope is more of a Red Sox fan, but he wasn’t making it to Boston on this trip,” said Bishop. “Still, Pope Francis is very excited to throw the first pitch at the game on Sunday afternoon. Most people don’t know this, but the Pope used to be a hell of a pitcher back in his day in Argentina. Yes, before he was Pope Francis, good ol’ Jorge Mario Bergoglio was a force to be reckoned with on the mound.”

The game is scheduled for Sunday afternoon at 4pm. The Pontiff takes the mound at 3:55pm, where he will give a short speech before the game.

Ronda Rousey, Floyd Mayweather To Fight In Exhibition Match In 2016

rousey mayweather

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

A joint announcement between the UFC and the World Boxing Association was made this morning, detailing an event to be held next March that will put Floyd “Money” Mayweather in the ring against Ronda Rousey.

“This is a dream match-up, that many internet sports fans have wanted to see,” said George Glass, a WBA representative, live during the ESPN-aired announcement. “Mayweather is known mostly for beating women, and Rousey is known for fighting like a man, so this is going to be a must-watch pay-per-view.”

The event, which is scheduled to take place in March, 2016, at the Luxor Casino in Las Vegas, is still having its details ironed out by officials. The Mayweather camp naturally wants the fight to be boxing rules, while the Rousey camp thinks it should be more along the lines of UFC rules.

Many fans have argued over the last several months about who would win in a fight between the two champions, and fight promoters say that they are hoping this contest puts an end to the speculation.

“The worst thing that could happen is that the fight is a draw,” said Glass. “I don’t know for sure who I’d place my money on, but the one thing I know, is that I’ll certainly be shelling out the $125.99 to watch the fight on Pay-Per-View.

Mayweather is set to take home a purse of $4 million for the fight. Rousey, being a woman, will naturally only take home $2 million.

 

Shaquille O’Neil Plans Return To NBA As Free Agent

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MOUNT DORA, Florida-

Fan favorite basketball player Shaquille O’Neil has announced that he will be returning to the NBA pending a deal with a team. Shaq says he will be returning to the league as a free agent, and hopes a team will sign him and give him the chance to play the game that he “has always loved and respected.”

Shaq made his way with his basketball skills, but his persona off the court is what people really loved about him. Friends say he was always goofing around with his teammates and reporters, and has landed several jobs both behind and in front of the camera because of it. According to his doctor, Shaq is ready to play again and, reportedly hasn’t felt this good about the sport since he first started.

“I just want to go out and win for my team, whoever it may be, that’s all I want to do. I’m in great shape and still feel that I can ball with the best of them, especially when I’m wearing my new Icy Hot Backpatch. I’d love to dunk on Kobe and LeBron – nothing feels better than that – except for when I put new Icy Hot Slow-Release Pain Reliever on my feet after a long day,” said Shaq.

At the moment, no teams seem interested in signing him, but reports claim he has gone to a few team practices. It is unclear if these visit were for business, or if Shaq was just hanging out with some old friends. O’Neil has reportedly requested a 10-year contract for $15 million per year, and claims “the phones will be ringing any moment now.”

Boxer With No Arms To Make His Pro Debut

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MEXICO CITY, Mexico – 

Boxing is a sport that takes fast hands, reflexes, and endurance. It is a game of chess, and you always have to be a move above your opponent just to land a clean punch. One of the toughest things about the sport is keeping your face and stomach from being blasted by a jab, and keeping your stamina up to survive those long, energy draining rounds.

Jorge Ramos, an amateur boxer, will be making his pro debut this month, and he brings something to the ring that no other boxer has brought before; both of his arms are missing, and he fights with just one stub.

Ramos was born with an infection in his arms, and as a kid had to have them removed. That didn’t stop him from living a normal life and striving to become a boxer, even though most people, including doctors, told him he would never be able to do so.

“I can’t believe that he is able to fight as well as he does,” said Ramos’ childhood physician, Dr. Pablo Escobar. “Ramos moves around the ring like a bird, avoiding punches by weaving his body back and forth. While he only has one part of his arm to strike with, he has found a way to knock out 6 of his 10 opponents in fights so far. I’ve been watching him grow, and he’s a modern marvel.”

Ramons has signed a bout with a fellow Mexican boxer, and tells the media that he will not only win, but he will knock him out in the first round.

 

 

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