Boston Marathon Bomber Tsarnaev Severely Injured In Prison, May Never Walk Or Talk Again

FORT DEVENS, Massachusetts – Accused Boston Marathon Bomber Severely Injured In Prison, May Never Walk Or Talk Again

Infamous Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, 22, was the victim of an “unfortunate accident” yesterday at Ft. Devens Detention Center in Massachusetts, just a few short months after his high-profile trial and sentencing, according to warden Paul Jacobson.

Corrections officers reportedly found the terror suspect face down in a pool of his own blood in his cell; a banana peel was found on the floor nearby.

“It initially appeared as though Tsarnaev slipped on a discarded banana peel and hit the floor with such force that his head bounced off the hard tile surface, probably 16 or 17 times. There was blood everywhere – all over the walls, the floor, even the toilet. The injuries have caused massive brain trauma,” said prison investigator Joe Goldsmith. “We determined though, through expert analysis, that it would be impossible for these injuries to have occurred through a fall. Our investigation has shown that that it was the Aryan Brotherhood who initiated an attack on Tsarnaev.”

“Yes, it was the brotherhood who took care of that bomber,” said Miles Smith, head of the Aryan Nation inside Devens. “The other gangs, they wanted him, too. We paid the guards the most money to have a shot. They stood aside, and let us do what we do. On the way out, they shook our hands, told us ‘Thank you.’ Well, You’re welcome. You’re welcome, Boston. You’re welcome, America!”

“Normally, an attack this violent, this cruel, on another inmate would get any offending party more time added to their sentence,” said warden Jacobson. “Because of the nature of Tsarnaev’s crimes, though, we have decided to actually reduce the sentences of the Aryan members who were involved. They have done our prison and our country a great service, and we appreciate it immensely. They are heroes in the eyes of not only this institution, but also in the eyes of the people of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.”

Tsarnaev had pled not guilty to all thirty charges filed against him, but was found guilty on all counts in April. He was sentenced to the death penalty per the crimes committed.



Porn Star Sues After Being Prematurely Blasted In The Face

SAN FERNANDO, California – Porn Star Sues After Being Prematurely Blasted In The Face

Porn star Helen Humps filed suit today claiming she was blasted in the face prematurely while shooting a scene in her upcoming movie The Fast and The Facial. Randy Rams, her co-star, could not be reached for comment, but a close friend stated that Randy was trying to forget the incident. 

“It all happened about four months ago, and I haven’t been able to get work since, I’m physically and emotionally damaged,” said Helen Humps, whose real name is Helen Lovecock. ”It started out a normal day on set. I was working on The Fast and the Facial and everybody was excited, I mean this was a big time movie. This was my first film that had a script, and my first film that wasn’t shot, edited and released all in the same day. I was hoping that this was the one that was going to make me a star.”


As it turns out, an uncommon malfunction on the film set would cost Humps her big break in pornographic films.

“Randy and I were shooting a scene in the front seat of a Honda Civic – I was in driver’s seat because I played the ‘bad girl’ racer. Right as I was about to go down on Randy – BLAST! Right in my face! The airbag exploded, and the car wasn’t even moving. The impact broke my nose and chipped my tooth. I screamed, Randy screamed, blood was pouring out my nose, it was horrible. Now look at me. It’s been four months, and even all healed up I still have a crooked nose, and the chipped tooth ended up falling out completely. It’s not like porn stars have a health plan, and no one will hire me. That’s why I’m suing Honda for medical costs and loss of wages.”

 Lawyers for Honda would not comment on active lawsuits, but did release a statement claiming that prop cars are not covered under warranty.


Man Dies Attempting to Stab Straw Into Capri Sun Juice Pouch

LAREDO, Texas – Man Dies Attempting to Stab Straw Into Capri Sun Juice Pouch

Strange news out of Laredo, Texas this morning after the body of 26-year-old Cole York was discovered by neighbors in his apartment building late Monday evening. Police reports say that Cole was killed when he attempted to open a Capri Sun pouch and accidentally stabbed himself in the brachial artery, a major artery located in the upper arm, with the straw.

Police are calling the incident a ‘freak accident,’ and say that it’s the first time they’ve ever seen such carnage from an injury sustained via straw.

“I’ve never seen anything like this, such a small straw, I don’t know how it did so much damage to this poor guy,” said officer Tyler Reed. “I was the first one on the scene, we had a 911 call from his apartment, and when no one answered the door I kicked it in. I went to the kitchen and it looked like a horror movie. The blood had spewed through the straw and was all over the kitchen. The walls were covered.”

Rudolf Wild Ltd., the makers of Capri Sun, have yet to comment on the death or about the safety of their product, but a company spokesperson did say that there was no planned recall of their juice pouches. Police and health officials are asking people to stab their Capri Sun pouch with caution, if they absolutely have no other means to get their intake of juice.

“It is defiantly bizarre. My kids  drink Capri Sun, and it had never occurred to me that I needed to be concerned about juice-related injuries,” said Reed. “They’ve always made it kind of tricky to get the straw in the little dot, but it never crossed my mind that it could be deadly. Now I’ve seen everything.”


Teenage Boy Dressed as Bigfoot Shot by Texas Hunter, Clings To Life In Hospital

RALEN, Texas – Teenage Boy Dressed as Bigfoot Shot by Texas Hunter, Clings To Life In Hospital

A tragic story today out of  Texas. Avid hunter Henry Hill accidentally shot his 14-year-old neighbor, Joey Gribble, who was testing out his Bigfoot costume he’d created for Halloween.

“Joey is a perfectionist,” said his mother Nancy, while holding vigil at her son’s bedside.  “He spent weeks and weeks on that costume. His favorite movie is Harry and the Hendersons, and he watches it at least three times a day. He wanted to go as John Lithgow for Halloween last year, but he couldn’t get the costume exactly right, so I suggested that he just go as Harry himself, the Bigfoot; Now I regret making that suggestion.”

The fascination with Bigfoot, the elusive ape-like creature, has spawned much debate.  Largely discounted by the scientific community, its existence is kept alive by folklore and sporadic, if not verifiable, eyewitness sightings. Also known as Sasquatch, the beast continues to provoke interest, most recently evidenced by a television special, Killing Bigfoot, set to debut on the TLC cable network.

“I don’t know anything about those guys who are out to ‘find’ Bigfoot,” said Hill. “My neighbors know that this was a terrible accident. We’re all devastated. I mean secretly, at first I was really excited when he went down, because I thought I had really shot Bigfoot, and I was going to be rich! I don’t know why Joey needed to test the costume out while running through the woods grunting, but that was just the kind of boy he was. Joey is like a son to me, and I’ll tell you what, I’m hurting as much as his family is.”

Family physician Dr. Scarlett Maizie said: “Joey was critically injured in a shooting accident while dressed in a Bigfoot Halloween costume, and what I can tell you now is that he is receiving the best care possible, and we are excited to see that his condition is slightly improving as the hours go by – but he’s not out of the woods yet. Well, literally he’s out of the woods, you know, but metaphorically we don’t know 100% if he’ll make it. His Bigfoot costume is certainly ruined, though. Unless, of course, he wants to go as ‘Zombie Bigfoot’ next Halloween.”

“Everyone knows everyone here,” said Joseph’s father Dale. “It really bugs me that some people think we’re just a bunch of gun-toting, conspiracy-believing crazies, when that’s not the case. Although in retrospect, I wish that Joey had just been into Spider-Man movies or something.”

Dale also added that a number of strangers have offered messages of support.  The town’s nearest city, McManorburgh, which for decades has held a fierce football rivalry with Ralen, dedicated its last football game to the family, and the team’s coach delivered a halftime message of support, urging fans to keep the family in their thoughts and prayers.

“Yup,” said neighbor Mike Judge.  “That’s what we do here, we stick together.  Like glue we do, we stick together like glue.”

‘Price Is Right’ Superfan Drowns In Hot Tub He Received As Prize

VENTURA, California – ‘Price Is Right’ Superfan Drowns In Hot Tub He Received As Prize

Ted Bosworth was a dedicated husband, father, and self-described ‘ultimate superfan’ of The Price Is Right, the iconic daytime game show known for its legion of enthusiastic fans.

Bosworth attended so many tapings of the show, that audience coordinators knew him by name.  He was at Bob Barker’s final show in 2007, and just last year, the ultimate superfan’s dream came true – he was selected to “come on down!” and become one of 4 lucky audience members to join ‘Contestant’s Row.’

Bosworth had dreamed of this moment for years.  “He loved the show ever since we were kids,” said Bosworth’s younger brother, Al.  “It’s like he was always preparing for it.  Life’s just not fair sometimes,” said Al, “I mean what happened to him.  Life’s just not fair.”

Ted bid on the first prize of the day, a state-of-the-art hot tub, and was indeed, the contestant who came closest to the ‘actual retail price without going over.’  “That was no surprise,” said Al.  “We watched the show so many times, he always came closest when we watched at home. He bid, and he won.”

“After he won,” continued Al, “it was like watching a kid waiting for Christmas.  It took a few weeks for the tub to be delivered, so he got the space all ready in the backyard, fixing it up and getting the plumbing done.  When they came to install it, we almost had to tie him down.  Deb [Ted’s wife] told me he didn’t sleep the whole night before.”

“We were planning a big party for the ‘Christening.’  That’s what we called it – people were coming over for the first hot tub party that night,” said Al.  We were all out getting food and drinks and Ted stayed home testing it out, and that’s when the accident happened.”

The “accident” Al refers to was an all-too-common household mishap – slipping and falling in the tub.  “We got back home and I knew something was wrong.  The house was too quiet.  I went back out to the patio and that’s when I found him.  He must have slipped and hit his head and went under.  We called 911, but I knew it was too late even when I was pulling him out of the tub.”

Paramedics were unable to revive Bosworth and he was pronounced dead at the scene.

“We drained the tub and took it out the next week.  It was too painful to keep it around but we planted a tree out back to remember.”

“I couldn’t watch the show anymore for about 6 months, but one day I thought about it and decided that Ted would want me to move on and watch it again, since we both had so much fun enjoying it over the years. It’s like he’s here when the show’s on,” he added.

Man Loses Head of Penis In Fishing Accident [Disturbing Image Warning]

KOKADJO, Maine – man loses head of penis in fishing accident

A Massachusetts man may have some reservations about the Maine state slogan ‘Vacationland.’ Thomas Ruhle of Taunton, Massachusetts, had to prematurely end his week-long trip to a lake in Maine after getting caught in a bloody mess – a freak fishing accident caused Ruhle to rip off the head of his penis.

According to Ruhle, he and his girlfriend, Miranda Tate, were fishing when her line became entangled in weeds and branches, and after whining and tugging, she was unsuccessful in freeing it.

“She threw her pole down in a huff, demanding to leave, and in an attempt to salvage the evening, I went in after the hook. I  now wish I had thought to reel in my own line,” said Ruhle. “After stripping down to my boxer shorts, I waded over to where the line was tangled. I didn’t notice that my line had drifted closer, and my hook was resting on the crotch of my shorts.”

Getting frustrated with the tangle, Ruhle pulled on the wrong line and felt the hook stab into the head of his penis.

“I honestly thought something bit me, like a snapping turtle or something, and I sorta yanked the line out of reflex, and it dragged the barbs deeper in,” said Ruhle. “[It] wasn’t until I reached down that I knew what happened.” After screaming and pleading with his girlfriend, who thought he was overreacting, she reluctantly entered the water to bring him his knife, and he was able to cut himself free.

Kokadjo is a small village past Moosehead Lake in northern Maine, centered around a general store that was closed for the evening. Without cell service the couple was unable to call for help. Carl Rogers, a gas station attendant in Greenville, Maine, was shocked when the couple sped into his parking lot.

Apparently, in a panic, this guy’s girlfriend sped towards town, and by the time they reached my station, the dude had gone into shock,” said Rogers. “I saw their new Prius when they pulled in, and man, I never seen so much blood in my life. It had soaked right into the passenger seat. We called 911, and they air-lifted him to Bangor right outta the parking lot here.”

Doctor Mark Gerard, a surgeon at Bangor Medical Center, said he had never seen anything so violent happen to a man who was fishing.

“His efforts to free himself did more harm than good, and he will require plastic surgery to regain full functionality of his penis. How much we can do to restore a normal shape will really depend on what type of insurance he has,” said Dr. Gerard. “In the mean time, we’ve warned him not to think of anything sexual that might ‘excite’ him in any way.”

Jerry Miller, a member of the Greenville, Maine fire and rescue team who  responded said, “I cringe thinking of it. It was mangled and swollen like something had chewed it. First time with a fishin’ pole, I recon.”

“I’ve fished before. I’m from Taunton, not the Bronx,” said Ruhle. “With Miranda squawking, I just can’t think straight sometimes, ya’ know. She’d been bitchin’ since we left home.”

Tate, who Ruhle says is now his ex-girlfriend, explains it all a little differently. “We had such a hard time tying the hook on in the first place, and he was too stubborn to cut the damn line. Wouldn’t listen at all. If he had been paying attention to me, we wouldn’t have gone to the middle of nowhere on vacation. F— Maine. ‘The Way Life Should Be‘ my achin’ ass.”

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