MIAMI, Florida –
Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.
“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”
When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.
“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”
Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.
“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”
PHOENIX, Arizona –
A woman who was arrested and charged with having “oral and vaginal sex” with two canines says that she doesn’t at all regret the acts – which she says have been happening since she was 13 – because “no man” could satisfy her needs.
“When I was a teenager, I really wanted to have sex, but I wasn’t very attractive, and I was chunky, and all the boys just laughed at me,” said the woman, Brittany Sunny, now 20. “The one person who never laughed at me was my dog, Spot. He loved me for me. He loved me deeply, and I loved him. We started having sex when I was 13. He loved it, I loved it. After that, no man would do.”
Sunny says that Spot died a few years ago, and she fell in love with another dog, that she named Julius.
“Julius wasn’t as well endowed as Spot, but he still felt perfect,” said Sunny. “I tried dating men. I tried having sex with men. I love sex, but it’s just not the same when you’re having sex with a man. They can give you plenty, but they can’t give you everything. I just love taking the knot.”
Sunny, who is being held on $10,000 bail for animal abuse and cruelty charges, says she has “no regrets.” Lawyers for the state who are prosecuting her, say that they expect she will be placed into a mental facility to help curb her sexual proclivities.
CARLSBAD, California –
Charlotte Melcher, age 7, called 911 all by herself to report that her stepfather, Drew Ellis, had stolen her money. Ellis admitted to police he had taken ten one dollar bills from the piggy bank to buy beer and cigarettes.
On the 911 call Charlotte says, “That was my money. Mine! I earned it doing chores and from Christmas. I told him not to take it!”
Police in Carlsbad did not take the offense lightly, charging Ellis with petty larceny after he admitted taking the money.
Mother Sierra Melcher says she thinks the arrest was unfounded and says Ellis would have replaced the money when he got paid. “I told Charlotte not to worry about it. I didn’t know she would call 911. Of course I don’t dare to spank her for doing it. Not now that I know she knows how to call the police. Next thing I know I’d be the one getting arrested.”
Ellis could not be reached for comment, but his lawyer, Joe Wickersham, says he is confident the case will be dismissed. The district attorney says that he is pushing for the maximum of 2 years in prison for the crime.
DELUTH, Mississippi –
Evie Pipkin has been charged with animal cruelty and first degree murder after she allegedly threw her wife, Michelle Chen, down the stairs of their home and told police she had tripped over the cat. Days after the murder, Pipkin strangled the cat and posted a picture on Facebook saying; “It had to be done. Feeling: sad.”
Friend of the couple Laura Shealy says, “She made a big show out of strangling the cat, like the cat had intentionally tripped Michelle. What kind of person could even think of doing that? What kind of person thinks that’s the right thing to do? That’s when we knew she had killed Michelle. Deep in my heart I always knew, but that right there, that’s case closed in my book.”
Police picked Pipkin up on charges of animal cruelty, and questioned her further about the death of her wife. Pipkin denies harming Chen. “We just got married in October after the law was passed. We were still in the honeymoon phase. I know now I should just have brought Shadow to the Humane Society, but I was just so angry. I couldn’t think clearly in my grief.”
Police say they are holding Chen on the animal cruelty charges, but she will remain a prime suspect in the death of Pipkin, which they have yet to rule an accident.
TOLEDO, Ohio –
Danielle Pierce was at a bar Sunday evening for a friend’s birthday when she was reportedly approached by another woman, Karley Stephenson, who accused Pierce of drinking. The altercation became heated after Pierce told Stephenson to “mind her own business,” and tried to walk away.
Pierce says she told Stephenson she was only drinking Coke and grenadine. “I told that psycho, ‘I’m eight months pregnant. I ain’t drinking,’ but she still came at me. She knocked the drink out of my hand, and it went all down the front of my shirt. Then she got nasty.”
After knocking the drink out of Pierce’s hand, Stephenson reportedly grabbed Pierce by the hair, and proceed to hit her in the face with a beer bottle until it shattered.
Security staff detained Stephenson until police arrived, and Pierce was brought by rescue to a local hospital. Doctors say she will likely have permanent disfiguring scars on her face from the attack. Stephenson has refused to apologize for the incident, saying, “She shouldn’t have been at the bar. You don’t go out drinking when you’re pregnant. If she wasn’t there, this wouldn’t have happened to her.”
Doctors say Stephenson’s baby was not harmed in the attack.
CONCORD, New Hampshire –
Exhibitionist couple Antonio Ramirez and Juana Dias apparently could not wait to get inside to get it on. They were reported by the neighborhood watch and arrested for having sex on their front lawn, partially hidden by a snow bank.
Attorney for the couple, Christopher Wagner, says, “Because they were doing it ‘doggy style’ they actually face additional charges here in New Hampshire where it is illegal to have sex unless it is in the missionary position, and for procreation only.”
Wagner says he feels the arrest was racially motivated. Latinos are the largest growing population in New Hampshire, now accounting for 5% of the population, which is a 50% increase since 2000. According to Wagner, the influx of Hispanics in the state has been met with resistance and prejudice. “If it was a white couple, we feel Ramirez and Dias would have gotten off with a warning.”
When asked why they were making love in the freezing cold, Ramirez says it was a rush, and at the time they thought no one could see them, although he did admit that “part of the thrill” was that they might.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Paula McCain, who lives across the street from the Westview cemetery in Atlanta, witnessed the black-clad teens enter the graveyard and – recognizing that they were local goths – immediately called police.
Fearing a reputation of ‘rat’ in the community, McCain made it clear that she would not have normally called the police. “If it had been some boys from the football team, I’d have thought ‘boys will be boys,’ they’re probably just sneaking a beer. But devil worshipers going into a graveyard after dark – well, they’re likely sacrificing a cat or something.”
Officer Browne seized a half-smoked cigarette from one of the teens and confiscated a copy of the Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey as evidence. The 3 teens have been charged with vandalism for three old tombstones that appear to have been tipped over. The rumor that the teens are behind the recent disappearance of neighborhood cats has caught on and angry citizens are demanding that the courts throw the book at the kids.
Michael “Damian” Luther denies hurting anyone. “God must be sacrificed. ‘Under no circumstances would a Satanist sacrifice any animal or baby!’ It’s right there in the Satantic Bible. Look it up. If the pigs hadn’t taken my copy, I’d show you,” said Luther.
All three children are currently grounded by their parents while awaiting sentencing.
DOVER, Colorado –
After Sarah “Moonbeam” Morris told Ricky Murphy to “go get a fortune cookie” when he demanded Saturday’s winning Powerball numbers, she was allegedly assaulted with a crystal ball. Moonbeam says she did not see it coming, but her guides had warned her to expect a visit from someone with desperate financial troubles earlier that day.
“The messages are vague sometimes. Think of communication from the other side like a bad cell connection. It can be a bit choppy,” says Moonbeam.
The longtime psychic says Murphy came in for a reading, at first venting that he was down, and then becoming agitated when she “refused” to give him the winning Powerball numbers. He then picked up a large quartz crystal ball, used for readings, from her table, and struck her twice over the head.
“My life purpose lies in helping others find the pathway to healing and happiness through the gift of psychic and intuitive counseling- not asking my spiritual guides for lottery numbers.”
She claims her spiritual guide did give her his license plate number though, which she gave police. Police later picked Murphy up at the Grand Dump Chinese Buffet. He is being charged with aggravated assault and leaving the scene of a crime.
AKRON, Ohio –
Cheryl Crawford has been arrested on charges of endangering a child after leaving her 5-year-old son in the backseat on an unheated car in frigid temperatures. She reportedly was getting him a Red Bull inside the gas station when a cash register malfunction held up the line.
Police Chief Andy Alleman told reporters a a concerned citizen called in, saying a young child was in the car alone on the 9-degree day. An officer responded within minutes and waited for the guardian’s return, fifteen minutes later. He had been preparing to break open the window.
The officer asked Crawford what had been so important in the store, and she produced lottery tickets, cigarettes, and a 12 oz RedBull. When the Crawford opened the locked car the boy “threw a fit, demanding the Redbull, which she refused to do, worried it might be illegal to give children caffeine.”
“Look, when you got a pain-in-the-ass little boy, then you talk to me about leaving him places,” said Crawford. “I went in the store, and there was problems with the register. What am I supposed to do? Take him inside every time I have to go to a store? What do I do when I go into my boy’s house to pick up a gram? Do I bring him in there, too? Shit.”
DENVER, Colorado –
McDonalds has been forced to raise prices on its popular dollar menu items, citing the rising price of mystery meat, the increase in wages forced on them by lazy employees, and decline of customers looking for the instant diarrhea experience.
Lucia Haywood, 38, stormed into the McDonalds on Main St. in Denver, Colorado, demanding to speak to the manager after she was informed that her favorite food item, the popular McDouble, was no longer a dollar. Haywood was arrested after she smacked manger Joe Donaldson in the face with her purse.
Haywood says she deserved the normal price, since there were no indications of the change on the menu board outside, and the items were still listed under “dollar menu.”
“It aint a dollar menu if it’s more than a dollar. That is false advertising!” claimed Haywood to police. “If all I gots left from my welfare at the end of the month is a buck, then I want to spend that buck on a Dollar Menu burger! That manager should have adjusted the price. I ain’t got no extra forty damn cents!”
Police agreed with Haywood that Dollar Menu items should be only one dollar, and she was subsequently released.