Man Arrested for Tattooing 1-Year-Old Baby

Posted on September 28, 2014 by JP

AUTUMNVILLE, California –

A tattoo artist is behind bars this afternoon after allegedly tattooing a one year old baby at his shop in Autumnville. The artist, Charles Dennett, 24, who goes by the nickname ‘Red,’ has been making a career out of tattooing since the age of 18.

According to reports, a couple brought in their baby to the Inks & Stuff tattoo studio last Saturday afternoon, and asked Dennett to adorn their child with a Japanese Kanji. Dennett claims that although he did perform the tattoo, it is the parents who are to blame, not him.

“I get paid to tattoo people and I don’t discriminate with race, religion, or age,” said Dennett. “They were cash customers, and they came in prepared, knowing all about tattoos and what they wanted for their baby. In this state, if you are underage and your parents come in with you and agree that it is okay, then it’s not illegal. I don’t see the problem here. The parents literally begged me to do the tattoo and I feel that they are to blame for this, not me. I was just doing my job, man.”

The tattoo that the parents picked out was a Kanji that in English meant ‘respect.’ They had Dennett tattoo their baby on his arm. His parents, who happen to be covered in tattoos, did admit that their son may have been too young to get ‘inked’, as they called it, but wanted their son to live by the meaning of the tattoo, and never forget to treat others well.

“Respect, in the form of a kanji, is the perfect thing to get as a first tattoo. We were debating, honestly, between the kanji, a bar code, or a tribal band around his little arm, but we figured the kanji would mean the most in his future,” said Kelly Randall, the mother of the baby.

Dennett is currently being held in the county jail, unable to pay his $5,000 bail. He is facing charges of assault and endangering the welfare of a child.

“I still don’t see the big deal. If he doesn’t like it down the road, it’s not like he can’t get the thing covered. I mean hell, it’s really tiny. I’ll tell you, the kid is going to be all about tattoos later in life. He sat like a f—— champ, too,” said Dennett.

The Randalls, Kelly and Jordan, say that they don’t know why it is such a big deal.

“We’ve got two other kids, a 9-year-old and a 13-year-old. They both love getting tattoos!” said Jordan. “You know what they say, once you get one, you’ll never be done.”

Local Fisherman Catches Dead Body In River, Arrested For Throwing It Back

Posted on September 14, 2014 by JP

ST. PETERSBURG, Florida –

A local St. Petersburg man is behind bars today after a bizarre event occurred while fishing. Tim Pope, age 64, was arrested late Sunday evening by police officers for tampering with a crime scene. Pope was fishing in a Florida river early Sunday morning, which his wife says he has been doing every Sunday for the past 20 years.

“Ever since we moved to Florida 20 years ago, he would go to that river and fish every Sunday,” said Mrs. Pope. “If some people go to Church or watch football as their religion of choice, then Tim’s religions is fishing.”

While out early this morning, Pope inadvertently hooked a human corpse – something that any die-hard fisherman can tell you is not as nice as hooking a huge bass. Like any good fisherman, though, when realizing that what he had pulled to shore was of a sub-par nature, he threw the body back in the water.

“I haven’t gotten to speak to him to much, but he told me he didn’t know what to do with the body. At first, pulling it in, he thought he had caught the biggest fish of his life. When he discovered it wasn’t a fish at all, he just unhooked it and tossed it back. [Tim] doesn’t own a cell phone, so a few hours later when he finally was finished and arrived home, he told me the story and I had him call the police. Stupid me, because their first stop after the call was to our house to arrest him for tampering with the body!” said Mrs. Pope.

Tim Pope is still currently in lockup in St. Petersburg, after refusing to take any money out of his retirement savings to post bail. If he’s convicted of a crime, he could be facing several years behind bars. The arresting officers have refused to make a statement, but the station has reportedly been receiving a lot of angry calls from local town residents.

“I don’t care what anyone says about it,” said Pope during his initial police interview. “It’s not a big deal. I didn’t kill the guy, I just pulled him in. What was I supposed to do? It’s not like he was going to fit in my cooler. Would you have arrested me if I’d caught a tire in my line and threw that back? Littering is a crime too, you know!”

“Tim is friends with a lot of people in our neighborhood, and I know that along with myself, people have been calling the police station night and day expressing how they feel. My husband doesn’t deserve to be jailed for this; it was a fisherman’s instinct to throw the body back in the river,” said Mrs. Pope.

Police have continued to search for the body over several miles of river, but so far have come up empty-handed. Reports indicate that police are actually using Pope’s confiscated fishing rod and lures in attempt to hook the body for a second time.

Man Forces Plane to Land After Refusing To Use The Onboard Bathroom

Posted on September 10, 2014 by JP

ST. PAUL, Minnesota –

A plane that was traveling to LAX Airport in California from Minnesota was forced to make an abrupt landing after a passenger became extremely hostile during the flight. Crew members on the plane tried to resolve the issue while the flight was taking course, but after the passenger continued to throw a temper tantrum, the captain decided that for the safety of the passengers, he would make an unscheduled landing.

The reasoning behind the hostility and frustration was Matthew Flynn, 35, and his ‘bathroom phobia.’ Flynn claimed he was afraid to use a toilet while in the sky, but that a poor choice in his pre-flight meal caused his stomach issues.

“I ate a lot of humus and drank a lot of coffee before the flight,” said Flynn. “Looking back on this decision, I thought I would be able to wait to relive myself at my hotel in California. When we got in the air and my stomach started grumbling, I knew I really only had two options – either go in my pants, or make a scene so badly they would have to stop the flight.”

The second option worked for Flynn, as the plane made an unscheduled landing in Provo, Utah. Unfortunately, as regulations have tightened on flights over the years, Flynn was arrested as soon as the plane hit the ground.

Flynn was charged with a number of different accounts, but to add salt to the wound, he picked up another charge while police were putting him into custody. Flynn was charged with public indecency after defecating himself and removing his pants.

“I tried to beg for them to let me use the bathroom, but they didn’t listen,” said Flynn. “Next time, I’ll skip the meal and try and hold it. I’ve flown several times before this, and never had a problem.”

“We all hate pooping in public places, that’s a given,” said arresting officer Joe Goldsmith of the TSA. “This, though, is a little ridiculous. When you gotta go, you just go, you know? Mr. Flynn is something extra, special, that’s for sure.”

The remaining passengers on Flynn’s flight were stuck on the tarmac for an extra 45 minutes before the flight was cleared to continue.

Magician In Custody After Making Audience Member Disappear; Man Never Reappears

Posted on August 25, 2014 by JP

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A Las Vegas stage magician, whose stage name is “The Great Peter,” is in police custody this afternoon after making a crowd member in attendance for his show disappear, but failed to bring him back.

Reality started to hit that something was wrong when the wife of the missing audience member began to become frantic an hour after the show ended. Sydney Ray, 34, say that she wouldn’t have let her husband volunteer if she had known this would happen.

“At first I was having a blast at the show, and even when The Great Peter made my husband disappear I was applauding and cheering louder than anyone in the crowd. When an hour passed into the show and there was no sign of my husband, I began to freak out a bit,” said Ray

The event took place at The Magic Palace Theater in Las Vegas, and even local police are finding this case bizarre.

“You see so many things being a police officer in Vegas, but even this is a shock to the department,” said Officer Julian Brown. “We’ve searched the theater, talked to audience members. Of course we questioned the magician first, but he’s not talking. ‘Magician’s Code’ or some such nonsense.”

Police say audience members have been very cooperative, but most of them think that it’s all still part of the act, even though it’s been a full 12 hours since the show ended.

“I saw his wife. I’d still be gone for a while if I were him, too,” said Joe Goldsmith, a real estate investor on vacation in Vegas. “He’s probably taking in the sights at the Bunny Ranch or something.”

The Great Peter is behind bars, charged with intentionally blocking a police investigation and resisting arrest, after police tried multiple times to handcuff Peter and he’d continually slip out of them.

“He could make this whole ordeal a lot easier on everyone, but he won’t reveal his tricks. Officers believe that he does know more about what took place, and that somehow his disappearing trick has something to do with the gentlemen’s whereabouts.”

“A magician never reveals his secrets,” said The Great Peter in an interview with police. “It’s all part of the show.”

Bogus Psychic ‘Knew All Along’ He Would Be Outed, Jailed

Posted on August 24, 2014 by DvanL

WAUSEON, Ohio –

Trent Mattias, self-proclaimed psychic, investment advisor, and spiritual healer, was sentenced to a 7 to 15 year prison term yesterday, after being found guilty of fraud, misrepresentation and multiple counts of tax evasion.

“I knew all along this was going to happen someday,” said Mattias. “It was only a matter of time before what I always knew was going to happen, really happened.”

Mattias’ admission came after an almost 20-year career marked by false identities, several failed business ventures, and a string of highly questionable investment schemes. “Things were going good for while,” said Mattias. “I had a great life and all the things that went with it. I don’t know, but I guess now I know what I should have known. It just couldn’t last as long as I thought I knew it could.”

During an interview from his Fulton County holding cell, Mattias revealed that several of his friends eventually became aware of his illegal activities. “I told them I already knew what they were gonna say and that they were right, but I was so far into it, I couldn’t get out. I knew that. Times like these, you find out the difference between your real friends, and the friends you thought you knew were your real friends.”

One of Mattias’ former clients, who requested anonymity, contacted authorities after the mock psychic swindled him out $16,000. “That was my nest-egg and my whole life savings. It was a terrible thing that happened to me. He’s a real smooth talker,” the victim continued, “and I figured he was on the level. All of a sudden he started coming up with excuses about where all my money was, and all the big cash he always said was just around the corner never showed up for me.”

During the sentencing hearing, Mattias appeared remorseful as he addressed several of his victims who were in attendance. “I just want to say to everybody who came to me for advice, I let you down. Take my advice and always trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. If I knew then what I know now, things would be a lot different and we probably wouldn’t be here today. Looking back, I know that now and I apologize.”

As he was led from the courtroom, Mattias remarked, “Like that song goes, “Que sera, sera — whatever will be, will be.”

Mattias’ will be eligible for parole at a future date not yet set by officials.

Waitress Arrested After Throwing Plate, Hitting Toddler In The Face

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

An unnamed 20-month-old was rushed to the hospital after taking a flying dinner plate to the face at a Rhode Island Applebee’s restaurant. According to witnesses, while busing a table, server Caitlin Jones, 22, was having a loud, heated argument with another server, she flung out her hand, throwing a plate down the aisle of customers. The dirty dish struck a young toddler, who was sitting in a booster seat at the end of a table, in the side of the face.

“It was horrible. I saw the plate come flying out of her hand like a Frisbee. It hit that poor baby, and there was this awful pause before she starting wailing,” said Shaniqua Jones, a patron who was seated in the next booth. “Poor little child, blood was running down her face and getting into her macaroni and cheese. The waitress looked horrified. She started crying and apologizing right away. I don’t think she meant to hit that baby, but it was her fault completely. The force she threw that plate with was like an Olympic discus champion. It was insane.”

Police were called, and Jones was arrested for criminal negligence and assault. She was released on $4,000 bail later that day. Jones insists it was ‘an accident,’ and that she didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

“It just slipped out of my hand, honest,” said Jones. “I didn’t chuck the plate at the baby. I was just mad at Denise because she has been talking s— about me behind my back at work, and we were arguing, and I just got so upset I whipped the plate, not even thinking.”

This isn’t the first time toddlers have been endangered at Applebee’s. In 2011, a mislabeled container caused a mix-up that led to a toddler being served alcohol instead of apple juice.

“Except for delicious family dining, no incidents have occurred at any Applebee’s establishment since the unfortunate booze/bottle mishap. At that time, we took additional measures to ensure the safety of our guests. Sadly, this type of horrible accident, regarding the baby being struck with a plate, is not something we could foresee,” said Johnathan Applebee, founder of Applebee’s restaurants. “We have started production on a training video, though, to educate our servers about the risks of negligent plate-throwing, and the dangers it can present. Unless guests want us to switch to paper plates, I think that’s the best can we do right now.”

The parents of the toddler say they do not blame, nor have any plans to sue the restaurant chain itself, but are possibly seeking damages from Jones for hospital bills for their baby. Regardless of pending civil action, they say they do plan to make sure that Jones is held responsible for her actions.

“That girl, she needs some serious help. Who throws a plate, honestly?” said the mother of the young child, who wishes to remain anonymous pending the possible civil action against Jones. “She’s very, very lucky that my daughter is going to be okay. She’s also very, very lucky I didn’t knock her out right there in the restaurant.”

“I am horribly sorry for what happened, and it isn’t the restaurant’s fault at all,” said Jones. “I know it was me. I maybe, sorta was drinking a lot the night before, and I was just in a bad mood. Frankly, life as a waitress is a living hell, you know? Trying to pretend to be happy all day when you’re serving microwaved steak that tastes a little too much like ass sweat? Ugh, it’s a real chore being me, you don’t even know.”

Applebee’s restaurants deny all culpability for the incident, and immediately fired Jones. The chain still hopes to “See You Tomorrow.”

Man Arrested, Charged With Sexual Assault For Changing Daughter’s Diaper In Public

Posted on August 11, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

NEWARK, New Jersey –

A Newark man was arrested and charged with sexual assault of a minor for changing his 4-year-old daughter’s dirty diaper in a McDonald’s restaurant. Greg James, 29, was taken into police custody after an altercation with the store’s assistant manager, who found James openly changing his young daughter in the middle of the restaurant’s Play Place, triggered another customer to call 911.

“The two were in a booth in our Play Place area,” said restaurant assistant manager Jim Del. “The restaurant wasn’t very busy at the time, so they were alone in there. I went in to change the trash can liners, and Mr. James was yelling at his daughter for not letting him know she had to use the bathroom. He had her laying on the table, completely naked, and was cleaning her off using napkins and soda from his cup.”

Del reportedly asked James to take the girl into the bathrooms, where they had a changing area for small children.

“He told me to go f— myself, and he’d take care of it,” said Del. “He then yelled at his daughter because she was squirming, telling her to ‘stop f—– moving around’ while he finished changing her.”

Police responded to a call made by another patron of the McDonald’s, who reported seeing the father yelling at the young girl.

“I had just come into the McD’s with my 5-year-old son, and we had gotten our food and were walking into the play area,” said Martha Biggs, the patron who called the police. “And I see this man holding down a young, naked girl, a dirty poop-diaper sitting on the table next to his food, and he’s wiping her with napkins. The poor girl, she was crying. One of the employees was trying to get him to take his daughter into the bathroom, and he wouldn’t. I took my son out of the play area and immediately called the police.”

When officers arrived, James was readying to leave the restaurant, and they confronted him about the incident.

“Mr. James became belligerent, and tried taking a swing at one of the officers at the scene,” said Captain Aaron Silver of the Newark Police Department. “He claimed he had done nothing wrong and that we were ‘illegally detaining’ him. After several minutes, officers were able to forcibly arrest Mr. James and bring him in. His daughter was brought to the station as well and later picked up by her mother.”

James was arrested on one count of resisting arrest, and one count of sexual assault of a minor.

“Although normally one would think of sexual assault as a form of molestation or an actual sexual act, that is not all the falls under that definition when it comes to children,” said Captain Silver. “Because Mr. James had stripped his daughter in public, in full-view of any other patrons who walked in, including the woman who called us to inform of the incident, as well as her very young son, he is being charged with sexual assault, a crime he committed by openly disregarding the safety and privacy of his young daughter.”

James was released on $10,000 bail, and is due in court in September. He is restricted from unsupervised visits with his daughter until a verdict is made.

Texas Football Coach Arrested For Giving Meth To Team As ‘Performance Booster’

Posted on August 2, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LINDEN, Texas –

Police in Linden, Texas arrested a junior high school football coach this past Tuesday after allegations that he was forcing his players to take doses of methamphetamine before practice.

According to Linden Police Chief Alton McWaters, parents of students had complained about strange behavior by their children following football practices.

“My son would come home and just act really strange,” said LaQuita Jones, a mother of one student. “He would just stand and stare at the walls for like an hour. Then one day I walked in to my kitchen and he was sitting on the floor next to a pile of his own feces saying, ‘look, I made Jesus’. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right.”

Police say they sent undercover officers to the school on Tuesday before football practice was scheduled to begin. The team had been meeting all summer, continuing practices even though school ended in late June, to stay in shape for what the school said they hoped would be a “terrific year” for Linden Junior High School sports.

“This arrest has marred what we hoped could be another winning season,” said assistant principal Joseph Goldsmith. “It’s a shame that this was going on right under our noses, and we never knew it.”

Carl Allen Byers, the school’s English teacher and coach of the football team, was taken in to custody immediately after undercover officers spotted him giving the drug to players.

Byers told officers, “I didn’t know it was wrong. I was just trying to give them a boost of energy.”

Arrested in connection with the incident was William Duncan, who was charged with delivery of a controlled substance in a drug-free zone. Duncan has bonded out of jail, according to McWaters.

Duncan was picked up in the parking lot of Mae Luster Stephens Junior High School. Linden is about 40 miles southwest of Texarkana, Texas.

McWaters also says officers found drugs in the coach’s truck. The investigation is ongoing.

Man Arrested At Airport With 30 Pounds of Heroin In His Anus

Posted on July 31, 2014 by JP

SPRINGFIELD, Illinois –

A resident of Springfield, Illinois was arrested Wednesday morning after police caught the man attempting to smuggle drugs on to an airplane. The arrest took place at Abraham Lincoln Capital Airport, and employees there are reportedly in shock over the events.

The gentleman under custody is Christopher Nowkuvski, and he is being charged with drug possession, trafficking, and a several misdemeanor charges. The arresting officer claims he has never seen anything like this before, and said that he found it ‘hilarious’ that the culprit thought he could squeeze his way by security.

According to police reports, Nowkuvski had almost 30 pounds of heroin inserted in his anus, in what police are saying was a failed attempt to get it on the plane bound for Canada. Unfortunately for Nowkuvski, he didn’t make it very far through security before being stopped and questioned.

“He came into the airport sweating and limping, as if he was dying. We knew something was up from the get-go,” said Joe Goldsmith, a security guard for the airport. “I asked him if he needed medical help, and he nervously laughed, claiming he was fine and just needed to get on the plane. He began to walk towards his gate, and from behind I noticed little balloons begin to fall from the leg of his pants.”

Once he was in custody, Nowkuvski claimed he had no idea how the drugs got into his anus. Officers at the scene gave him a full cavity search, which took nearly 3 full hours. The final bag was lodged so far inside him, that it was almost reaching his intestines.

“It was insane, it wouldn’t stop coming out. After 10 bags we were in awe to how he even got it up there, then once we began to get into the hundreds all bets were off,” said Goldsmith. “It’s definitely one for the record books. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I surely never would have believed it.”

If convicted, Nowkuvski could face up to 30 years in prison for trafficking.

George W. Bush Arrested for Cocaine Possession

Posted on July 24, 2014 by JP

DALLAS, Texas –

One of the most notorious Presidents in history of The United States of America is back in the spotlight, but not because of his politics. George W. Bush was arrested in a Dallas suburb late Tuesday evening after a routine traffic stop uncovered over an ounce of cocaine in his glove compartment.

Dallas police say they pulled over Bush after he made a right turn without signaling. Officers report they were surprised when seeing it was the ex-president, but felt something was off about his behavior. They say Bush seemed under the influence of a narcotic, and the officers on-scene asked to search the car. Curiously, Bush consented, and police found the narcotics.

“We pulled over the truck and were about to write a simple traffic ticket and things escalated fast,” said officer Charles Cane, a veteran officer with the Dallas Police Department. “At first my partner and I were stunned with who was in the truck ,and [Bush] began to crack jokes and asked if we wanted to take a picture with him. I noticed he was sniffling quite a bit and the glaze on his eyes screamed that the was under the influence.”

Cane said that once the officers uncovered the cocaine, Bush tried to bribe them to keep from getting arrested. When that failed, he turned to threats and rambling, reportedly saying that he would ‘get the FBI to kick their a–‘ and that ‘Presidents can break any laws they want.’

“I broke so many laws when I was in office, and I didn’t see you coming to try to arrest me then!” Bush shouted at police officers. “I’ve been doing coke for decades! I used to blow lines out of a Skull & Bones in New Haven tittie bars when you were making nice in your diapers, kid. You just want your name in the papers next to mine.”

“It was a tough arrest to make, but I didn’t become a police officer to make easy decisions. He begged me over and over to let it slide, then he offered me money, then he called me an ass—-, but that is the way the law goes. We don’t offer special treatment to anyone in Dallas. I don’t care who you are.”

Representatives for Bush have yet to comment, but bail was set at $5,000 and posted immediately. Bush spent less than 6 hours in a holding cell before being released.