Independent Theatre Owner Calls Major Chains, Film Studio ‘Pussies,’ Still Wants To Play ‘The Interview’

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, Massachusetts –

With news breaking late Tuesday evening that most major movie theatre chains – including AMC, Cinemark, Cinemagic, and Regal, among others – would be dropping their bookings for the Seth Rogen comedy The Interview over threats of violence from hackers, Sony Pictures officially announced that they would be pulling the film from theatres all together.

One lone theatre owner in Massachusetts says he’s upset that he’s being denied a movie he’s had pre-booked for weeks.

“I should be able to show whatever Goddamned movie I want to show,” said Cletus Lorde, 79. “I’ve been showing the pictures here for the last 53 years, and my dad was showing ’em for another 40 before that. We’ve always showed what the people want to see, and the local kids have said they want to see that film.”

Lorde says he is carrying on a tradition of showing controversial films started by his father, Francis Lorde, when he showed the pro-Ku Klux Klan film The Birth of a Nation back in 1917.

“Dad fought the town like crazy to be able to play that. The entire city council tried to shut the theatre down, but dad stood his ground and, in the end, he played it. The movie sold out every show for 2 straight months. Controversy brings the dollars. That’s another reason I want to make sure I play this movie. There’s a Regal theatre a few miles away; been stealing my business for the last decade. ‘Bout time I take some back, if I do say so myself.”

Sony Pictures, the distribution company for The Interview originally said they had no plans of completely pulling the film from theatres, and would stand behind any company that didn’t wish to play it, but changed their stance on Wednesday afternoon.

“Those big-wigs at the megaplex chains and the studios, they’re all a bunch of scared little pussies,” said Lorde. “Those big-talking internet assclowns ain’t gonna do nothing to nobody. It’s all hogwash. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if the film company themselves is making this big deal out of it just to drum up business for when they release it on DVD. Damn home video is killing my theatre. Well I tell you what, ol’ Cletus ain’t afraid of no internet people, and I ain’t afraid to show a movie with a little controversy, neither. If they change their minds yet again, my theatre will absolutely play it.”

When asked what he thought about the fact that Sony was essentially giving in to demands of bullies, Lorde said he’s not surprised. “It’s just a giant kick in the balls, both to potential viewers, and to little theatres like me who need that business,” said Lorde. “Looks like the terrorists really have won, because instead of The Interview, a movie people actually wanted to see, I’ll be stuck playing Annie, a movie no one even asked for. I hate Hollywood.”

Betty White Reveals Shocking Secret About Encounter With Bill Cosby

Posted on December 13, 2014 by Empire News

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Adored and cherished by people of all walks of life and ages, actress and funny-woman Betty White recently revealed a troubling and long time secret regarding comedian Bill Cosby.

Yesterday afternoon while on a telephone interview with journalist Gerald Duke of Entertainment Hollywood Monthly, White dropped a bombshell when asked about Cosby’s recent negative media attention.

“Oh it’s dreadful, truly dreadful.” White revealed. “I’ve known Bill for ages, and the fact that he’s being so hounded lately, it’s really sad. I’ve known about his secret for years, as it was something that he confided in me years ago after a night spent together taping an episode of Mary Tyler Moore. I honestly thought it was a secret that would never come out, and he would take it to his grave.”

When pressed for more information about what Cosby had told her about his sexual assaults, White was taken aback, and seemed very confused.

“Wait – what? I don’t know what you mean, sexual assaults. Bill raped someone? Who? What are we talking about, here?” questioned White when the topic was brought up. It was explained to her that Cosby had recently come under serious media fire after several women, including prominent actresses and models, had come forward saying he had assaulted them.

“Oh Gosh, I don’t know anything about that. I was talking about how the time he confided in me that he never actually liked Jello Pudding Pops, and that he only did the commercials because they paid him so much,” said White. “Secretly, he was secretly a Popsicle-brand lover. I can’t believe that Bill is a sexual deviant, though. That’s such a shame.”

The legacy shredding accusations of the past couple months from hoards of women, and at least one man, claiming Cosby forced himself on them sexually, still has Americans in utter shock. Cosby has had speaking and comedy engagements cancelled, a new series indefinitely postponed, and Netflix cancelled a new stand-up special that they had planned to promote for a Thanksgiving release.

“I know now there are many people coming forward now who, sadly, didn’t get to know the Bill Cosby that I know,” said White. “The Popsicle lover. The comedian. The man behind the sweaters, so to speak. Such a shame that he’d risk everything just to get his rocks off. I guess he must not like blondes, though, because the man never once came onto me.”

Massachusetts Man Comes Forward Alleging Bill Cosby Sexually Assaulted Him

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SHELBURNE, Massachusetts –

Another person has come forward alleging sexual misconduct against Bill Cosby, except this time, it is a man.

Isaac Arnold Jones, owner and operator of a small lawn maintenance company in Shelburne, Massachusetts, went to authorities earlier this week claiming his longtime employer, comedian Bill Cosby, sexually assaulted him in July of 2007.

Jones, who runs the lawn care outfit named ‘Two Bros Mowing’, went to police and told a Special Victims Unit detective that after mowing Cosby’s lawn on a hot July afternoon that Cosby invited him in to cool down, and claims the assault happened inside Cosby’s large estate in the wealthy suburb located near Boston.

“It was just me working that day, my brother had called in sick, and due to a lot of rain we had a lot of catching up to do. Mr. Cosby was obviously our highest priority client so I went to his house first chance I had to get his yard done. Anytime we mow Mr. Cosby’s lawn, we always go over it two or three times to make it look really good,” said Jones in his police report. “It was a hot and humid day and I was sweating a lot. When I finished I went to the door to collect a check. Usually his maid Mabel is waiting for me on the porch, for whatever reason she wasn’t that day. I rung the doorbell and Mr. Cosby answered the door. He told me I had done a great job and his lawn looked wonderful.”

Jones was, naturally, not comfortable discussing the events that allegedly occurred, but eventually continued his story.

“After the praise, he invited me in to cool off, and have a Coke and Pudding Pop. Of course I accepted, it’s Bill Cosby! After I ate one chocolate pudding pop, Bill looked at me and asked me if I wanted another one. He said something like, ‘I’ve got a special chocolate pudding pop for you, if you want some more, son’ and I thought sure, why not? Mr. Cosby left the room and came back with some more pudding, opened it for me, then it happened,” an emotional Jones said.

When asked what Cosby did, Jones was very reluctant to explain, but eventually said that Cosby forced him to perform simulated oral sex on a pudding pop while Cosby watched and rubbed pudding all over his genitals. “I was scared, and didn’t know what to do, so I just did what he said. Plus I was still hungry, and pudding pops are awesome.” Jones replied. “I just tried not to look at all that delicious pudding going to waste as it was rubbed all over his Little Huxtable, and finished the pudding pop as quickly as possible. Then I got the hell out of there.”

Several women have come forward alleging sexual assault against Cosby, most recently former supermodel Janice Dickinson. Cosby has not yet been charged or convicted in any wrong-doing, although he has had several engagements cancelled by the media, including a planned Netflix stand-up special, and a new NBC comedy series.

Gov’t Provides $600M Grant To Scientists Researching Natural Gas

Posted on September 28, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It was just another normal day in government spending this morning, when House members voted to pus through a $600 million dollar grant to help scientists research properties of natural gas. Dr. Issac Merda, professor of methane studies for the University of Kentucky, requested the grant almost 2 years ago. Dr. Merda says that he and his colleagues plan to study the truth behind the age-old adage ‘He Who Smelt It, Dealt It.’

“We have been working on this project for several years, and as of this summer we had run out of private funding,” said Dr. Merda. “We know it was going to happen, and at the end of 2012 I requested this grant from the government so that we could continue this extremely important scientific research.”

Dr. Merda and his partner, Professor Richard Teile, began their research in the fall of 2009, after a late-night Mexican bean burrito party with their lab employees got a little crazy.

“We were having a good time, eating some burritos and drinking a couple of beers, when in the middle of the laughter, Ol’ Ike let one rip – hard. He was right in the middle of pounding out a triple meat and cheese taquito, and although we all knew it was him, it was our friend Larry who smelt it first,” said Teile. “We all instantly stopped in our tracks. We knew it wasn’t Larry who nearly shat himself silly, so how was he the one who smelled the rancid stench before Dr. Merda? We all jumped to work instantly, knowing that it was a big deal, and that our research could change everything.”

“Oh man, it was really nasty smelling, too,” said Larry, the custodian in the science center at the University of Kentucky. “I happened to pass through, and was instantly like ‘Damn, who let that one go?’, and all the lab guys, they instantly got quiet. Then they all got really serious looks on their faces, and jumped right into work. It took me damn near a whole bottle of Febreeze to get that stank out, by the way.”

Merda says that they are very close to ‘cracking the code’ wide open, and that when they publish their results in the Journal of Scientific Discovery next spring, the world will be forever changed.

“The things that this little mishap has led to, discoveries and thoughts you can’t yet to imagine about human bodily functions in relation to their surroundings. It’s just going to boggle you’re mind,” said Merda. “This grant being pushed through will help us finally come to a completion of our study. $600 million will buy a lot of tacos, Coronas, and Goya beans.”

So far, the team is keeping a tight lip on their findings and research. As they continue to study the effects of smelling it versus dealing it out, there is currently no word on whether or not doing the crime really does correlate with making the rhyme.

Owen Wilson To Co-Star Alongside Vince Vaughn in ‘True Detective’ Season Two

Posted on September 23, 2014 by carriesnotscary

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

HBO revealed to the press today that funnyman Owen Wilson has signed on to co-star alongside Vince Vaughn in the second season of its popular and critically acclaimed dramatic series, True Detective. The two actors previously worked together in 2005 in the “hilarious” romantic comedy Wedding Crashers, and again in the 2013 film The Internship.

While the second season was rumored to feature Elisabeth Moss as a lead, the premium cable network opted to take advantage of their situation. “We already got Vince, so we figured, ‘why not try a Wedding Crashers reunion?’” An HBO spokesperson said. “It would’ve been foolish not to. I mean, nobody wants to see Vince Vaughn and Elisabeth Moss on-screen together. There wouldn’t be any laughs; she’s so serious. When you throw in Owen Wilson, nobody will want to miss that. Plus, they’ll improvise so much that the writers won’t have to write much dialogue. You wouldn’t make a Nicolas Cage movie without asking John Travolta to be in it, would you? You just can’t deny great chemistry. That’s what wins viewers. That’s what wins awards. Season two of True Detective is gonna be more hilarious than The Big Bang Theory.”

“I’m absolutely thrilled to work with Owen again, he’s my buddy,” Vaughn said. “I really was looking forward to working with a great dramatic actress like Elisabeth Moss, she’s so brilliant on Mad Men. I wanted to delve into dramatic acting, that’s kind of why I agreed to do this show, but now it won’t even feel like work at all. Just hanging out and riffing with Owen. And I get paid to do it!”

When asked how he feels about working with Vaughn again, Owen said, “It always feels good to be around people. Plus, it’s always fun to text Vince while we’re in the same room. Like, when he’s right next to me I’ll text him something hilarious like ‘Hey man, where’s craft service? I need a sandwich and to talk about my feelings.’”

Elisabeth Moss provided no comment, but the HBO spokesperson provided more unsolicited comments. “Why have a chick when we can have two dudes who will do anything to hook up with chicks and pretend to be detectives? ”

MacFarlane, FOX Announce ‘Family Guy’ Series Ending After Next Season

Posted on August 11, 2014 by JP

LOS ANGELES, California –

One of the most popular animated shows in the history of television will be coming to end this fall. The show Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane, brought FOX’s rating to a new level, bringing in millions of viewers season after season for the last 15 years.

On top of being one of the most popular shows on television for several years, the show had a lot of ‘jewelry’ to show for their popularity; The series was nominated 13 times for an Emmy Award, winning 4. The acclaim kept most people assuming the show would air for several more years.

The decision does not come at the hands of FOX executives, but from creator MacFarlane, who says that the show has become ‘stagnated,’ and that it’s time he focus on his other cartoons American Dad and The Cleveland Show, as well his now-budding movie career.

“I’ve taken Family Guy exactly where it needed to go,” says MacFarlane. “The characters have traveled the world, had their follies. We’ve done musical numbers and covered all the topics I wanted to. With the crossover episode with The Simpsons airing in September, it will be the crown-jewel of the series, and I don’t want to drag it out any further.”

Roger Ailes the CEO of FOX News Channel commented on the matter.

“Seth created a great show, but we understand that he’s gone on to do bigger things. Not necessarily better things, but bigger things,” said Ailes. “The film Ted was a great success for him, and it’s afforded him the opportunity to make a sequel. His film A Million Ways To Die in the West was also a big money maker. It was fairly unwatchable in my opinion, but good for him for making the jump to live-action acting. [Seth] is making Hollywood money now. TV money won’t keep cutting it.”

Ailes said that he wishes that the network and MacFarlane could have come to an agreement on a contract renewal, but that several other shows are currently in the development process, with at least one hoped to be able to fill the vacant spot left by Family Guy on FOX’s ‘Animation Domination’ Sunday night block of programming.

“The show came out with a bang and pushed the envelope, and we were stupid and canceled it once already. The fans convinced us to bring it back, and Seth kept it going for years. If you ask me, though, the show has gotten a littler more dry over the years. I use to sit and watch and laugh like crazy but now when I watch it I feel a bit dumber, and I think the ratings have suffered a little, too.”

Several members of the cast were made aware of the show’s end several months ago, with all choosing to stay until the end of the series. Most, including Seth Green, voice of Chris Griffin, and Mila Kunis, voice of Meg Griffin, have already had long careers in Hollywood, and say they are not worried about where to go when the show ends.

“I’ve still got my show Robot Chicken that I created for Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim lineup,” said Green. “There are also talks with Mike [Meyers] about another Austin Powers film, which I really think will happen, and I’m excited for that. Voicing Chris on Family Guy all these years has been a blast, but as they say, good things end.”

FOX has the show’s final season, its 13th, slated to begin in September.

President Obama to Star in Hollywood Feature Film

Posted on July 18, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

While his second presidential term is approaching an end, his career in the spotlight is certainly not, as it has been announced by Lionsgate Films that Barack Obama will star in their long-anticipated sequel to Eddie Murphy’s 1988 hit comedy, Coming to America.

The title of the film, slated for a 2018 release, is Coming to Zamunda, in which the character, President Obama as himself, travels to Zamunda, the fictional African home country of Murphy’s Crown Prince Akeem Joffer.

The comedy will take place after first lady Michelle Obama is accidentally killed by a stray bullet on a visit overseas. It will feature a widower Obama traveling to Africa—without the secret service—in the hopes of becoming more independent and finding a new bride who “arouses his mind as well as his loins” among his ancestral people in the infectious disease tents.

“The movie is bound to be just a gas,” wrote Obama’s publicist, “The sheer originality of reversing the hilarious fish-out-of-water story from the first film, combined with the president’s own personal experience as a boy of privilege and education working in the slums of Chicago? It’s a perfect match.”

A statement released by Lionsgate stated that Murphy, alongside Coming to America co-stars Arsenio Hall and James Earl Jones will make cameo appearances, and John Landis will return to direct the sequel.

When asked at a recent press conference if he really believed it would be plausible for a former U.S. president to start a film acting career after leaving office, Obama said, “Yes we CAN.”