Boston Cop Shoots, Kills Black Man For Smoking A Joint

policeBOSTON, Massachusetts – 

On the heels of recent scandals involving police brutality among the African American community, Malik Edwards, a 36-year old African American man living in the Boston area was shot by police officers following a dispute regarding a marijuana cigarette.

According to witnesses, Edwards was seen sitting on the porch of his girlfriend’s home located in Evanston, Massachusetts, a municipality about 10-miles outside of Boston when the incident occurred. Edwards was accompanied by 2 additional African American males and his 32-year old girlfriend Nia Brown.

According to witness statements, including that of Brown’s, around 9:20 PM, 2 Evanston Police officers approached the individuals visiting on the porch and asked them what they were doing. According to Brown, Edwards, who had been smoking a marijuana cigarette, often referred to as a joint, spoke for the group and told the police officers that they were just visiting and unwinding after a long day of work.

The police officers asked Edwards what was in his hand (referring to the marijuana cigarette), and Edwards replied, “Oh this is just a little something that helps me to unwind after a long day”. The police officers demanded Edwards put out the marijuana cigarette, to which according to witnesses, Edwards was slow to comply.

 

(read more at The Boston Tribune)

Former CIA Agent Confesses To Killing Marilyn Monroe While On His Deathbed

NORFOLK, Virginia – 

A 78-year old retired officer of the CIA, Normand Hodges, has made a series of astonishing confessions since he was admitted at the Sentara General Hospital on Monday. He claims he committed 37 assassinations for the American government between 1959 and 1972, including the actress and model, Marilyn Monroe.

Mr. Hodges, who worked for the CIA for 41 years as an operative with top-level security clearances, claims he was often employed as a hitman by the organization, to assassinate individuals who could represent a threat to the security of the country.

Trained as both a sniper and a martial arts expert, Mr Hodges says he also has significant experience with more unconventional methods of inflicting harm upon others, like poisons and explosives.

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Mr. Hodges swears he remembers vividly, each of the assassinations he committed for the CIA.  He claims that all 37 of the murders he committed on the American soil, were ordered by his commanding officer, Major James “Jimmy” Hayworth.

The elderly man claims he committed his assassinations between August 1959 and March 1972, at a time when he says “the CIA had its own agenda“. He says he was part of an operative cell of five members which carried out political assassinations across the country. Most of their victims were political activists, journalists and union leaders, but he also claims that he killed a few scientists and artists whose ideas represented a threat to the interests of the United States.

Mr. Hodges says that Marilyn Monroe remains unique among his victims, as she is the only woman he ever assassinated. He claims he has no regrets, however, as he says that she had become a “threat for the security of the country”  and had to be eliminated.

“We had evidence that Marilyn Monroe had not only slept with Kennedy, but also with Fidel Castro,” claims M. Hodges. ” My commanding officer, Jimmy Hayworth, told me that she had to die, and that it had to look like a suicide or an overdose. I had never killed a woman before, but I obeyed orders… I did it for America! She could have transmitted strategic information to the communists, and we couldn’t allow that! She had to die! I just did what I had to do!”

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Marilyn Monroe died between midnight and 1 AM, on August 5, 1962. Mr Hodges claims he entered her room while she was sleeping and injected her with a massive dose of chloral hydrate (a powerful sedative), mixed with Nembutal (a short-acting barbiturate), causing her death.

The 78-year old man was placed under custody by the FBI, which is taking Mr Hodges’ confession very seriously and has opened an investigation to verify his allegations. The investigation might be very complicated, however, as very few written files are available on such secret activities and most of the actors implicated in the various cases are already dead.

The most important witness in the story after Mr. Hodges himself, his alleged commanding officer, Major James Hayworth, died of a heart attack in 2011. Two of the other three “CIA assassins” identified by Mr Hodges are also dead, and the last one, Captain Keith McInnis, went missing in action in 1968 and is presumed dead.

Teen Commits Suicide After Bernie Sanders Endorses Hillary Clinton

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BURLINGTON, Vermont – 

A 19-year-old college student in Vermont has reportedly hung himself in his home after his parents report that he spent two days locked in his room, watching Bernie Sanders videos on YouTube.

“Mario was a good kid, a strong boy, and he was an adamant supporter of Bernie Sanders,” said Mario Lewis’ mother, Mary. “The whole family were very proud to support Sanders, but Mario definitely took it the hardest when Bernie backed Hillary. He was in tears ever since.”

Mary says that her son was a straight-A student throughout high school, had graduated early, and was studying political science at Vermont State College.

“This is the most disturbing thing to happen in my life, and I can’t believe it was all about this stupid election,” said Mary. “I just keep telling myself that he’s in a better place, and that it doesn’t matter that he’s gone now, because come November, we’re all going to be fucked anyway.”

Pokemon Go Game Leads To 45 Car Pile-Up On Arizona Highway

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

A 46-year-old man, Nathan Winter, was charged with reckless endangerment and negligent homicide after he caused a 45 car pile-up while playing the popular cell phone game Pokemon Go.

Police say that Winter was not paying attention to the road and his attention was diverted as he tried to catch a Meowth while driving down the Phoenix I-75 highway when he rear-ended a Mack truck, causing a vicious accident that caused 4 deaths and countless injuries.

“In retrospect, it was a really bad idea,” said Winter, who says he had just downloaded the game earlier in the day. “My daughter was playing, and it seemed kind of fun, so I wanted to check it out, too. 3 hours of playing, and I was hooked. I was on my way home when my phone vibrated, and it said there was Meowth around. It happened to be right on the bumper of the eighteen wheeler in front of me. Sadly, I wasn’t paying attention, and slammed right into it trying to catch him.”

Police say that the Pokemon Go game has become extremely viral, and although has caused several injuries from people not paying attention to their surroundings while playing, this is the first case of major death. Nintendo, who is the company behind the game, could not be reached for comment.

Terrorists Sending People Infected With ‘Black Death’ To U.S. As Form of Chemical Warfare

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The CDC has released a warning for doctors to screen patients with flu-like symptoms for the pneumonic plague, after ISIS has threatened biological warfare.

The disease, caused by a bacterium called Yersinia pestis, most often is transmitted to humans through rodent flea bites or by handling infected animals. Pneumonic plague differs from bubonic plague in its symptoms and the fact that it can be spread through the air rather than just by contact.

Unlike bubonic plague, pneumonic plague can be spread from person to person. According to the CDC, “Pneumonic plague affects the lungs and is transmitted when a person breathes in Y. pestis particles in the air.”

Usually associated with the massive waves of “black death” that swept across Europe during the Middle Ages, the plague still occurs occasionally in the United States, though it is treatable with modern antibiotics.

Although the disease is treatable, terrorists may try to catch people off guard. Pneumonic plague is one of the most pathogenic microbes in the world. Symptoms are sudden and similar to a violent flu, followed by lessions in the groin, armpit, and neck lessons. Eventually the fingers and toes turn black from lack of circulation followed by uncontrollable seizures and death within 36 hours. The CDC advises anyone with these symptoms insist they are tested for pneumonic plague.

Florida Gators To Change Name Following Alligator Attack That Killed Two-Year-Old

gators

MIAMI, Florida – 

College football team The Florida Gators has announced it will be changing its name following the death of a two-year-old boy who was grabbed and drowned by an alligator while vacationing with his family at the Disney World Resort in Florida.

The alligator snatched the toddler as he played at the edge of the Seven Seas Lagoon, a manmade lake at the Walt Disney resort.The boy’s parents, who were relaxing on the white sand shore nearby, sprang into action in a failed attempt to pry their child from the predator’s grip. A lifeguard who was on duty was unable to reach the boy before the alligator swam away with him.

Although the parents did not request the SEC Eastern Division champions change their name, the athletics department at the State University System of Florida says they have received a lot of public pressure. Coach Jim McElwain says he fears it may affect the team. “Personally, I think alligators get a bad rap. I’m worried a name change this close to start of the season is unrealistic and may affect team moral.”

The team has not settled on a new name, but the Raging Retires and Orange Crushers has been proposed.

Child Kills Parents With Axe After They Turn Off Internet As Punishment

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REGINALD, Maryland – 

A 12-year-old boy has been arrested and taken into policy custody for allegedly killing his parents with an axe on Thursday evening.

Caleb Dryer was reportedly upset with his parents after they turned off the home internet when Caleb brought home his final report card with several failing grades.

“Those assholes know I can’t live without Facebook, and it wasn’t fair. If I can’t live without getting online, then they don’t get to live at all,” Caleb reportedly said to police.

So far, officers have not released much information on the murders, except to say that they were “gruesome and shocking.”

Attorney John Frugal, who is representing the state in the case against Caleb, says that his remorseless attitude will very likely land him a life sentence.

FDA To Ban Fentanyl After Prince’s Overdose

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The powerful opiate fentanyl may be taken off the market following the death of Prince as well as the increase in opiate drug deaths across the nation. A bill may change fentanyl to a schedule I drug, meaning that it is both highly addictive and has no legitimate medical use. Other schedule I drugs include heroin, LSD, and marijuana. Fentanyl is currently a schedule II drug, meaning that while there is danger of abuse, it can be prescribed under controlled conditions.

“It’s clear the fentanyl is out of our control, ”argues bill sponsor, Representative Marcy Kaptur. “Deaths are up 500% in Ohio. They have tripled in last year.” Supporters of the bill argue that the drug is just too strong. Fentanyl is 50 times more potent than heroin and 100 times more than morphine.

Fentanyl is used to manage moderate to severe pain, usually in people who have chronic pain, and as a last resort. Fentanyl is often used when other pain medicines no longer work.

“Yeah, a few cancer patients might not get their fentanyl fix, but we can’t afford to lose any more pop sensations. They are the glue that keeps this country together. Didn’t Michael Jackson die from this stuff? Well, maybe it was his time. He was a little sick. But Prince – that great man had even turned to the lord,” says Mothers Against Drug Addicts (MADA) member, Tracy Leveque. “Junkies are one thing. They’re pretty well useless. But when a beloved musician or actor overdoses, it’s time to change the legislation.”

Flour Recall After Teen Dies Of E. Coli

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The first person to die from the recent E. coli outbreak did not ingest the the tainted flour intentionally, but accidentally, when a friend threw it on him.

Kurt Haney got some flour in his mouth when a friend threw a bag of Gold Medal flour on him during an “antiquing prank,” popular on the internet with teenagers who film the prank for YouTube. Jack, who was sleeping at the time, got a significant amount of flour in his mouth, and doctors say the fact it was uncooked is likely the reason for his death. His friend’s name is not being released at this time, pending a criminal investigation. Manslaughter charges will likely be filed.

State and federal authorities have been researching 38 occurrences of illnesses across 20 states related to a specific type of E. coli (E. coli O121), between December 21, 2015, and May 3, 2016. General Mills is collaborating with health officials to investigate an ongoing, multi-state outbreak of E. coli O121 that may be potentially linked to Gold Medal flour, Wondra flour, and Signature Kitchens flour. General Mills has recalled nearly 10 million pounds of flour. So far 147 people have been hospitalized.

“Well I, for one, am pissed about it,” says Jack’s mother, Mrs. Tanae Haney. “Do you know what a bitch flour is to get out of the carpet? You can’t simply vacuum it up – oh no. I’m just outraged his friend would think he could throw flour around, as a guest in my house. He certainly won’t be invited to sleep over again.”

11-Year-Old Boy Accidentally Kills Mother With Mushrooms; Sentenced To Death Penalty

FREEMONT, Nevada – 

Jackson Russell says he was just trying to surprise his mother with breakfast in bed when he accidentally served her death cap mushrooms. This variety of mushrooms has a similar look to wild edible mushrooms, but as much as half a cap has enough poison to kill an adult.

“I was just making her a breakfast to make her happy. I did not try to poison her,” said Russell. “The mushrooms came from the outside, near the barn. I got ’em when I was getting eggs from the chickens.”

Four hours later, Russell’s mother, Katrina, was hospitalized after she experienced nausea, vomiting, cramps, and diarrhea, which normally pass after the irritant had been expelled. She thought she was feeling better and was discharged from the emergency room, but hours later she died.

Jackson Russell was taken into police custody, and was charged in the death of his mother. Normally an accidental death would not form a stern punishment in the case of a young child, but the harsh judge delivered a strict verdict, and sentence Russell to the death penalty.

“I am so sorry that I hurt mommy, but I didn’t mean it,” said Russell in the courtroom. “The judge says I was too bad, though, so I have to go live where Daddy used to live, and then they’re going to give me a shot in a few months. I’m sad about that, too. I hate shots.”

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