After Years As #1 Write-In Candidate, Mickey Mouse Announces Official Presidential Run

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Long touted as a possible presidential candidate, Mickey Mouse has finally announced that he’ll be running for the post in the 2016 elections. He is the second to officially make known his intentions for the campaign. Ted Cruz was the first, although many may fail to see the difference between the two candidates.

“Everyone has always spoken about a Mickey Mouse President,” said Mouse. “Now we can finally have one.”

Mouse stated that he’ll be campaigning to be both the Democrat and Republican frontrunner. This, he says, will continue a long tradition of having colloquially termed Mickey Mouse’s playing a part in the build-up of both parties’ campaigns.

“Everyone loves me – I’ve learned that in all my years at Disneyland. And although kids are sometimes scared of me, I’ve never told them that the world is on fire, which already puts me at an advantage over Ted [Cruz].”

Disneyland has released a statement in response to their long-serving mouse’s unexpected announcement.

“We are surprised but enthusiastic about Mickey’s new endeavor,” it read. “Mickey has been a staple of the Disney empire for many decades, and a presidential run will only contribute to his future position. Of course, everyone must remember that he is a trademark of The Walt Disney Company, and that will not change, even if he is to lead our illustrious nation.”

Mouse responded, saying, “I will always hold The Walt Disney Company in my heart – they placed a trademark label in there after all – but will not be a slave to them. When I am president, I will no longer have time for my duties there. It pains me to say it, but the government of the USA is slightly more important to Americans than Disney. When I am elected, I will ensure that Disney are paid out appropriate compensation for the termination of my never ending contract to them.”

Disney To Finally Release Racist Classic Movie ‘Song of the South’ In U.S.

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Disney has announced that they are going to release classic movie Song of the South on home video for the first time in the U.S. Release of VHS copies of the film was put on hold indefinitely in the fifties, amid controversy of the blatantly racist depiction of African Americans in what was Disney’s first live-action release. The mass media corporation has decided, however, that the current era presents the perfect climate for the release of the beloved classic.

“I think we’re finally at a point where we can all sit back and laugh at the parochialism demonstrated by the old film directors,” said Disney executive Peter Rhynoldt. “I’m pretty sure that today’s black Americans can take the sentiment from whence it came, and realize that the offense caused back then no longer applies to them.”

Race groups have slammed the Disney Company, saying that, on the contrary, Song of the South will add fuel to the flames of already flared up racial tension.

“What’s going on, not only in Ferguson but also in the so-called ‘liberal’ cities of the U.S. is a perpetuation of white privilege and constantly renewed suspicion of African Americans,” said Donald Jackson, head of the Racial Equality Engineers. “Song of the South presents such outdated, racist tropes about the inferiority of the black man, which could have an influence on this generation’s youth.”

Democratic Senator, Richard Fein, agreed with Jackson.

“It’s anachronistic,” he told media. “I find it pretty absurd that anyone could think this was appropriate. The reality is, whoever is making this decision is just stupid.”

Rhynoldt has so far refused to back down, saying that they’re going through with this “come hell or high water.”

“It’s not nearly as bad as they say it is. There’s that sweet old guy, and the cool zippidy-do-da song. Besides, didn’t Kanye West say that racism no longer exists? This film serves as nothing more than historical documentation.”

‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Will Have Darth Vader Reveal That He’s Also Luke’s Mother

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

A GALAXY, Far Far Away –

Although the original Star Wars trilogy revealed the fate of antagonist Darth Vader, and the prequel trilogy showed his extensive backstory, writers for the next episode of the franchise have hinted that flashbacks to Vader’s lifetime will reveal new and exciting information. One of the foremost reports states that Darth Vader reveals himself to Luke as, not only his father, but his mother as well.

“The interplay between Luke and Anakin Skywalker is some of the most classic cinema in our country’s history,” said Harry Mandable. “It’s vital that that returns in Disney’s take on the Star Wars universe. That’s why it’s encouraging to hear that Vader’s motherhood is examined in the next film. It is perhaps the only thing lacking from the original trilogy.”

Speculation indeed ran rife that Vader was Luke’s mother ever since the famous scene in which he tells Luke he is his father. Lukesmom.org, a fansite dedicated to the theory, explains that the backstory of Luke’s mother, Padme Amidala, is slightly blurry throughout. She is the secret wife of Anakin Skywalker, but that does not explain why neither Luke nor his sister Princess Leia do not have exactly the same eyes as her.

“If you watch all six movies very carefully, you see the occasional allusion to it,” said professional Star Wars analyst, Richie Prince. “For example, that time when Luke says, ‘My father, mother’ without saying and in between. And also, when Vader tells Luke that he is his father, he never says, ‘but not your mother’. So actually it’s pretty clear that something’s going on there.”

Creator of the franchise, George Lucas, has neither confirmed nor denied the rumors. Rather, he has stated that everyone should “calm the fuck down and wait for the movies. Jesus, it’s not like this is real life or anything. Vader is Luke’s mother if I decide one day that I want that to happen. That’s why it’s called a movie and not called something that’s happening on a distant star right now.”

Man Arrested For Assault After Filming Sex Acts With Stuffed Animals

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BROOKLYN, New York –

Theodore Ruxpin of Brooklyn, New York, was arrested by detectives of the New York Police Department’s Special Victims Unit after posting a video of himself having sex with his daughter’s stuffed animals.

NYPD spokesperson Juanita Cruz said that Ruxpin videotaped himself having sex with five different stuffed animals, and sent the video to several friends via email. One of the friends reportedly sent the video to police. New York state law says that any sexual act committed on a stuffed animal marketed toward children is strictly prohibited, and that offenders are to be charged with rape.

“The stuffed animals which Mr. Ruxpin sexually assaulted in the videos included a Hug-N-Oink Peppa Pig, a Let’s Imagine Elmo, a Tickled-Pink Minnie Mouse, a Puppy Surprise beagle, and a Disney Princesses Elsa plush from the movie Frozen,” Cruz announced. “The last of which was the most erotically disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in all my years on the force.”

“In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous,” said Detective Olivia Benson, of the NYPD Special Victims crime unit. “This is not something to be taken lightly, and here in the state of New York, we seek out those who are sick and twisted enough to commit these crimes, and bring them before the court of law. We will not tolerate sexual misconduct by any means, especially when the victim is totally incapable of consent, such as in the case of Peppa Pig, Minnie Mouse, and the others.”

Ruxpin is currently being held on $10,000 bail and faces up to 5 years for each object sexually assaulted, which adds up to a possible 25-year sentence in prison.

Disney’s ‘Cars 3‘ To Feature Company’s First Gender Confused Character; Mini-Cooper To Be Voiced By Justin Bieber

Posted on January 14, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Religious groups and parents are planning a worldwide protest after word came out about Disney’s Cars 3. The movie, which is slated to come out at the end of the year, will feature Disney’s first gender confused character. The car, named Chrys, will be voiced by Justin Bieber.

“We’re very excited to be moving forward like this. Disney is changing with the times, and we want to make movies that everyone can relate to,” said Disney executive Will Ryan. “It’s not all about prince and princesses anymore, and it hasn’t been for a while. A gender confused character is something we know that a lot of kids can relate to. We feel that getting Justin to voice the Mini-Cooper is just perfect. What two things better represent gender confusion than the Biebs and a Mini-Cooper?!”

“We’ve still got Larry The Cable Guy in this film voicing his character, Mater, and he becomes a sort of mentor to Chrys, who is a boy car, but with a very strong feminine side,” said lead animator Joey Goldsmith. “Chrys is a car that would rather sing and dance than race. With the help of his friends, like Mater and Lightning McQueen, Chrys learns it’s more important to be true to yourself then please your parents and other cars.”

“I had no idea my character was supposed to be gender confused, they just told me to be myself,” said Bieber. “I mean, all the lines felt perfectly natural, maybe even a little liberating. I mean, I’m a man, just ask anyone. I work really hard getting that image across. Sometimes though, I wish I could be more like Chrys the Mini-Cooper and just be myself.”

“Well I’m certainly not letting my kids see it.” said Janice Gold, a mother of 5 small children in rural Kentucky. ”Kids need to learn to be what God made them. There’s no picking and choosing your sex, and the whole idea makes me sick. Our family, and all the families in our church, are certainly going to be protesting this film, and every other Disney movie, too.”

This Mini, created by YassidDesigns, shows what Biebers character could look like in the new film.

‘Frozen’ Superfan Finds Sexual Subliminal Message Hidden in Disney Film

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A self-professed ‘super-fan’ of the Disney film Frozen said that he has found what he believes to be a graphic sexual innuendo hidden in the film in a form of subliminal messaging.

“It was on my 148th viewing of the film when I first noticed that there was something just not quite right in one of the scenes,” said Marcus Snow. “I’ve been watching the movie at least once a day since it came out to own, sometimes even more than once. I love that movie, and there’s no way I could ever ‘Let It Go.'”

Snow says that while watching the movie, he paused it briefly to use the bathroom, and when he came back, he was very surprised at what he saw on his screen.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Snow. “I’ve watched the movie so many times, but I just happened to pause at just the right second. I sat down, and was about to hit play, and my jaw just dropped. I know that Disney is notorious for putting little dirty things into their movies, but this was just beyond what I could have ever imagined being snuck into a children’s movie.”

As Snow mentioned, Disney has been known in the past to sneak adult, or sexual, innuendos into some of their cartoons over the years. Aside from the obvious jokes that go above some younger children’s heads, there have also been instances of real nudity, such as the few frames of a topless woman in the background of the 1977 film The Rescuers, or hidden words, such as SEX spelled out in grass during the film The Lion King.

“This clearly tops the little things they hid or were supposedly found in their older movies,” said Snow. “I’ve been in love with Disney movies since I was three, and I was about 9-years-old when I first noticed that huge, veiny penis on the cover of The Little Mermaid VHS box. I think that this is even dirtier and just almost too extreme. It’s scandalous in my opinion, because this movie is more popular with young kids than Mermaid was, so this has more opportunity to be seen. I just know that it’s mind-boggling that they would resort to such crude, tasteless humor, even if it is only an inside joke among the animators.”

Disney refused to comment on any possible adult innuendos made in Frozen, and continues to deny allegations about discreet references in previous films.

"I couldn't believe what I saw when I paused this scene," said Mark Snow, 'Frozen' super-fan. — “I couldn’t believe what I saw when I paused this scene,” said Marcus Snow, ‘Frozen’ super-fan. “It’s crazy, and disturbing.” [CLICK TO ENLARGE]

Disney Plans To Kill Off Iconic Character Mickey Mouse After 86 Years As Mascot

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BURBANK, California –

The Walt Disney Company announced earlier today during a press conference that Disney Films would release an animated feature film next Christmas titled ‘The Magical Life and Times of Mickey Mouse’, and Disney spokesperson Michael McDermott had a shocking surprise when discussing the plot of the film.

“The film is, in fact, what the title suggests – it’s about the wonderful and magical life of the great Mickey Mouse and the joy his has brought children and adults alike across the globe since his creation in 1928…until his death in 2015,” McDermott said, as members of the Associated Press shook their heads in disbelief.

“Yes, you heard me correctly,” McDermott stated. “The Walt Disney Company has made the ultimately tough decision when it comes to the fate of its superstar, its timeless hero if you will. In this day and glorious age, we feel it is important to teach children the vast importance of life, and to never take it for granted. This doesn’t mean the legacy will not continue, quite the contrary. It will only spark a tireless celebration of the wonderful life of Mickey Mouse.”

“The Walt Disney Company is about teaching both children and adults alike that the lives we lead are special and magical, but nobody lives forever,” said Disney CEO Don Iger. “It is the collective belief of this wonderful enterprise that in order to thoroughly enjoy something, to really cherish it, human beings need to be reminded that life is short. Live it the best you can, do the best you can by others, use your life to make a real difference.”

“I think this is ludicrous. We grew up having Mickey Mouse around, he made us smile and laugh as children with just the sight of him,” said Marion Calvert, 42, of Phoenix, Arizona “I have two children under the age of 12, and I will not take them to see this terrible film.”

Not everyone feels the same way as Mrs. Calvert, though. Glenn McDaniels, 51, of Salt Lake City, Utah, has a positive opinion regarding the shocking announcement.

“I think it is great. Of course it is sad, but it is important our children grow up knowing they are not invincible. In order for one’s life to truly mean something, they must know it doesn’t last forever. I get it. I will definitely take my grandchildren to see this movie,” McDaniels said. “I mean plus – he’s just a damn drawing.”

The company did not state whether there would continue to be Mickey characters in their theme parks across the world, and also refused to comment on the circumstances relating to the cause of Mickey’s death in the film.

“You’ll just have to wait and buy a ticket and find out for yourself,” said Iger. “The film will be released on Christmas day.”

Disney Announces New Animated Film With First Lesbian Princess

Posted on December 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Disney announced yesterday a new film that many are calling a ‘breakthrough’ in the world of animation. The studio, known for their many stories of girls who are seeking their Prince Charming, have said that they are creating a new fairy-tale about a young girl who, this time, is seeking her Princess Charming.

“We have tried to branch out over the years, when it comes to our female characters,” said Disney executive Ellen Etheridge. “We have come a long way from Sleeping Beauty, and have tried to introduce strong female characters that young children can look up to. We introduced an African-American Princess a few years back, and we are looking to break new ground once more.”

Etheridge says that the new film, which is currently being written by Disney scribe Pete Docter (Toy Story, Up), centers on a young girl named Jude, who is struggling with the fact that she’s not like the other girls in her school, who are only interested in boys, shopping, and ‘getting pretty.’

“Jude is an orphan, and has very few people in her life that care for her. She is confused, as a lot of young, gay boys and girls can be,” said Etheridge. “When she is magically transported to a dream world, she meets and falls in love with another young girl, Brandie. The story revolves around Jude’s adventure in her real-world, trying to make it back to Brandie in the dream-world.”

“I want it to be something that all children can enjoy, not just gay children,” said Docter. “This is the first time that Disney has ever tried to make film like this, so it has to be just spectacular. The story is coming along well, and I think that everyone will be extremely happy with the film. It’s not stepping lightly on the aspect of homosexuality, it’s going to break down the walls. ”

Despite Docter’s extreme optimism, many parents groups are outraged by the idea that their children will be begging them to see a movie based around gay characters.

“I have no intention of letting my child see that filth,” said Mary Lambert, mother of Kathy, aged 7. “I know that she is going to want to see it, and then she’ll be singing the damn songs all day, which will probably all be about sodomy, or dildos, or other homo stuff. The she’ll want to go out as the character on Halloween. Then she’ll want toys and bed sheets and t-shirts and the DVD of the movie. Then she’ll start being interested in girls, and before I know it, she’ll be coming out to me while I cry my eyes out that I’ll never have a grandchild. This movie will be the death of Disney, I’ll see to it!”

Disney plans on releasing the as-yet-untitled film in the winter of 2016.

A possible look for Jude, in the new Disney film about a young lesbian orphan.

Christian Groups Outraged By New ‘Star Wars’ Trailer, Plan National Boycott Upon Release

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Christian groups and religious families have been publicly shunning the new Star Wars movie, and it doesn’t even hit theatres for over a year. Many devout, religious people are complaining that a single, quick image from the trailer is proof that the movie’s director, J.J. Abrams, as well franchise owners Disney, are out to promote the worship of Satan.

“It’s disgusting, truly an outrage,” said Peggy Lewis, a member of the group Christians Against Everything. “Did you see the filth they’re portraying in that commercial? It’s bad enough that they’re enticing kids with ‘the dark side’ and violence, but one of the characters in the movie is carrying an inverted cross as a weapon. And it’s a fiery red! The movie promotes Hell and Satan!”

In the film’s trailer, a Sith is seen carrying a lightsaber, the popular weapon of choice for the Jedi characters as well as their rivals, with “spokes” that come out of either side of the handle.

“I mean come on,” said Richard Sweat, co-founder of the religious group Christians United, Never Torn, an extremely religious group of parents who help to promote Jesus and the gospel through family film and music. “It’s clearly Satanic imagery. As it is, lightsabers were always extremely phallic, and as we all know anything long and phallic is automatically gay. Now the lightsabers are gay and anti-God! There will be a massive boycott of this film from every good Christian in American when it comes out.”

“I have no idea what the big deal is,” said Abrams, director of blockbuster films such as Star Trek and Super 8. “Disney isn’t really known for being anti-Christian, and there’s no way that they’d allow that sort of imagery into the movie. Perhaps people should wait and see [the movie] before they make judgements on whether it’s good, bad, Satanic, gay, or whatever. Yes, we’ve got new characters, and yes they have new weapons. Yes, we’ve got a black storm trooper. My God, everyone – it was a teaser trailer. Just wait and see what happens!”

Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens is scheduled for release in December, 2015.

Disney to Make Han Solo Completely Computer Generated in Star Wars: Episode VII

Posted on August 27, 2014 by carriesnotscary

LOS ANGELES, California –

Due to scheduling delays on production of Disney’s Star Wars: Episode VII, Harrison Ford’s iconic snarky character, Han Solo, will be completely computer generated in the film. Ford injured his leg during production back in June, and the actor has yet to fully recover. Disney execs revealed the bittersweet news at a press conference yesterday.

“We tried the best we could to accommodate Ford’s injury when it came to filming,” director J.J. Abrams said. “But the truth is, [Ford] is really old, and it takes a long time for old people to heal. I think that he is nearing in on 100 years old already, and our fans absolutely cannot wait for one extra day, hour, or minute after December 18, 2015 when film is scheduled to be released.”

Solo’s CGI form will be the first of its kind—groundbreaking human-mimicking technique that transcends motion capture. “It’s looking way better than Jar Jar,” Abrams commented. “We are very excited to introduce CGI Han to Star Wars fans. They’re gonna love it even more than they loved General Grievous.”

“We were half tempted to use CGI on all the original characters,” said an anonymous Disney executive. “We have the money. We can easily replicate all of them, and make them look years younger. Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher – these people are ancient. No one wants to see Luke battle Darth Vader using a walker, do they? Once people see the textures, the realism on [Ford’s] Han Solo character, they’ll be blown away. I mean hell, it’s not like 98% of these movies aren’t computer generated already, anyway.”

When asked to comment, Ford said, “I broke my leg.”

Accord to Disney, Ford will still provide the voice of Han Solo, unless he breaks something in and/or around his mouth. He is set to return again in the next installment of the much anticipated Star Wars franchise, assuming he hasn’t yet died of old age by the time filming begins.

When reached for comment, Mark Hamill, who is making his return as Luke Skywalker in the film, said that he, too, hoped he would still be alive for the next installment.

“I’m nowhere near as old as [Ford], but in Hollywood each day can be your last, lest they cast you off into obscurity,” said Hamill. “I remember my last relevant day in this city. I think it was sometime in 1987. Ah, no matter, I’m coming back strong thanks to Disney!”

While tickets are not on sale yet, Disney would like you to mark your calendar for this exciting new technology, in theaters December 18, 2015. If you do not have a calendar, Disney would like you to get one, especially if you can manage to find one with Simba or Buzz and Woody on it, so you can mark the release date on that one, even if you don’t particularly care about Star Wars