2014 Federal Tax Refunds To Be Delayed, Payments Won’t Arrive Until October 2015

Posted on October 18, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The deadline for filing your 2014 federal tax return has been April 15th for decades, with the last person who is owed a refund getting their payment usually by the end of May. This year, though, even with the advent of the internet and phone-filing systems, people who file early and folks who wait until the final deadline, are looking to have their refunds held back several months, with payouts not expected to happen until October of 2015.

The news of the major change was first broken by website National Report, who says that the Obama administration is purposely holding owed refunds to help save the government money. According to Report, the Federal Government returns around $350 billion dollars of what it has collected from taxes throughout the year, and withholding the payouts until October will allow the government to gain an additional $30 billion in interest and additional borrowing costs.

The change is not universal, though. The new rebate delay is only set to affect those who have filled under an individual status, meaning large corporations and businesses will still be eligible to receive any refunds owed almost immediately, while the rest of us wait.

“Your money is still coming, and we will not be holding back an extra cent,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Pulling back payments until the end of 2015 will help increase government earnings. This is merely a new structure to a system that has been in place for generations. Sometimes, change is inevitable.”

As many Americans rely every year on their tax returns, planning vacations, expensive purchases, and some even wisely putting it in savings or using it to pay rent or bills, this push could cause some headaches for those people who live paycheck-to-paycheck.

“It’s just awful, seriously awful,” said Marie Jordan, a mother of 5 young children in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts. “I was going to use my refund to hire a babysitter and take a 2-week cruise vacation to the Bahamas in March, all by myself. Maybe find a nice Cabana boy to take back to my stateroom. Apparently that’s not happening, now. I hate our government in times like this.”

Many taxpayers echoed Jordan’s feelings, saying that they need their money sooner rather than later.

“This is going to really kill my February,” said taxpayer Joe Goldsmith, a recently divorced bachelor in Missouri. “I work a crappy retail job, and barely can make ends meet on my weekly paycheck, so I was planning on doing an early file, and getting my money back by February. Even though my bitch ex-wife said I should save it for alimony, I was going to use it to buy a big screen TV and throw a Super Bowl bash for myself and some friends. I guess I will just watch the game alone on my 27″ tube TV instead. Thanks, Obama.”

According to Earnest, the deadline for filing your Federal Income Tax Returns will remain April 15th, with checks and direct deposits being made starting October 15, 2015.

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Arrested, Deposed

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PYONGYANG, North Korea –

It had been several weeks since North Korean leader Kim Jong-un was last seen in public, during a concert he attended with his wife on September 3rd. Rumors swirled that he had become ill or perhaps even died, but because of intense media control in North Korea, there were more questions than answers during his disappearance.

Earlier this morning, photographs began to surface in the United States of a visibly beaten and bruised Kim Jong-un being led by what appear to be police or military officers, and we have come to learn that he has been deposed, quickly and forcefully removed from power. Full details at this time are unknown, but what has been learned is that Jong-un was taken and apparently tortured after the concert on September 3rd, held in an unknown location for several weeks.

North Korean government leaders had been hiding the fact that Jong-un was unaccounted for, and have so far made no public comments since he has resurfaced. Although definitely pleased with having their dictator removed from power, North Korean citizens are so far refusing to celebrate, for fear of government retaliation.

At this time, it is unknown who was involved in the takedown of the North Korean leader, and if the United States or other countries were part of or privy to the overthrowing.

Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

Posted on October 1, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Quickly following California governor Jerry Brown’s ban on plastic bags in his state, Illinois lawmakers announced that they would not be ‘out done’, and quickly passed a law banning both plastic and paper bags from grocery and department stores throughout the state.

“For some reason, there has been talk for years in several states, with California leading the way, of banning plastic bags – and only plastic bags,” said Illinois congressman Aaron Silver. “I understand that the use of oils for creating something that people throw away almost instantly is a waste, but apparently these other states aren’t aware that it causes more environmental pollution and total waste to create paper bags over plastic.”

Environmentalists agree with Silver’s stance on the topic. Science professor at Chicago University Myles Kent was at the forefront of getting paper bags banned along with plastic throughout Illinois.

“Just for paper bags alone, more than 14 million trees are cut down annually,” said Kent. “It takes almost 4 times as much energy, and causes almost 70% more air pollutants to make a paper bag than it does to make a plastic bag. Banning plastic is nonsense. If you’re going to ban one, you really need to ban the other.”

Consumers who learned of the impending changes to their grocery routine were confused and outraged, many wondering what they plan on replacing the bags with so that they can get their food back to their homes.

“Do they expect that I’m just going to carry all my groceries out to my car and then haul them into the house without bags? It’s completely absurd. At this point, I’d pay more just to be able to keep the bags. Isn’t that a damn trip? Pay more for something I used to get for free,” said Destiny Brown, a Chicago resident we spoke to outside of a Price Chopper grocery store. “I swear, I’ll just rip the damn pillowcases off my kid’s beds and I’ll use those. There is no way I can shop without bags.”

“Pillowcases are a pretty good idea,” admitted Silver. “We haven’t yet thought about what the bags would be replaced with, really. It has been suggested that you sew together your old clothes into make-shift bags. Pants with deep pockets might work for small trips. We also urge consumers to consider just tying a bandana to a stick, hobo-style. It’s worked for them for eons, there’s no reason it can’t become a trend amongst environmentally conscious consumers.”

“It’s just that damn government controlling how we live, once more,” continued Brown. “At this point, I might just shop for groceries and other items online and have them delivered – or are they outlawing cardboard shipping boxes in this state, too?”

Silver said that the whole point of banning both paper and plastic bags is to send a message that ‘the environment is good, and ruining it is bad.’

“We really need to save this planet for future generations. They will need oil for other, more important things than bags, like getting around in cars or making kitschy plastic gifts. They will need trees for climbing, and building tree houses, and for clean air to breathe and that sort of thing. We need to protect the people from themselves, and from harm. That’s what we do. We’re the government, and we make decisions for you.”

When asked, Silver had no comment about the possible future legislation of cardboard boxes.

Gov’t Provides $600M Grant To Scientists Researching Natural Gas

Posted on September 28, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It was just another normal day in government spending this morning, when House members voted to pus through a $600 million dollar grant to help scientists research properties of natural gas. Dr. Issac Merda, professor of methane studies for the University of Kentucky, requested the grant almost 2 years ago. Dr. Merda says that he and his colleagues plan to study the truth behind the age-old adage ‘He Who Smelt It, Dealt It.’

“We have been working on this project for several years, and as of this summer we had run out of private funding,” said Dr. Merda. “We know it was going to happen, and at the end of 2012 I requested this grant from the government so that we could continue this extremely important scientific research.”

Dr. Merda and his partner, Professor Richard Teile, began their research in the fall of 2009, after a late-night Mexican bean burrito party with their lab employees got a little crazy.

“We were having a good time, eating some burritos and drinking a couple of beers, when in the middle of the laughter, Ol’ Ike let one rip – hard. He was right in the middle of pounding out a triple meat and cheese taquito, and although we all knew it was him, it was our friend Larry who smelt it first,” said Teile. “We all instantly stopped in our tracks. We knew it wasn’t Larry who nearly shat himself silly, so how was he the one who smelled the rancid stench before Dr. Merda? We all jumped to work instantly, knowing that it was a big deal, and that our research could change everything.”

“Oh man, it was really nasty smelling, too,” said Larry, the custodian in the science center at the University of Kentucky. “I happened to pass through, and was instantly like ‘Damn, who let that one go?’, and all the lab guys, they instantly got quiet. Then they all got really serious looks on their faces, and jumped right into work. It took me damn near a whole bottle of Febreeze to get that stank out, by the way.”

Merda says that they are very close to ‘cracking the code’ wide open, and that when they publish their results in the Journal of Scientific Discovery next spring, the world will be forever changed.

“The things that this little mishap has led to, discoveries and thoughts you can’t yet to imagine about human bodily functions in relation to their surroundings. It’s just going to boggle you’re mind,” said Merda. “This grant being pushed through will help us finally come to a completion of our study. $600 million will buy a lot of tacos, Coronas, and Goya beans.”

So far, the team is keeping a tight lip on their findings and research. As they continue to study the effects of smelling it versus dealing it out, there is currently no word on whether or not doing the crime really does correlate with making the rhyme.

‘Super Crack’: Ex-CIA Agent Reveals Government Plan To Release New Drug Into Inner-Cities

Posted on August 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Earlier this week, a defector from the CIA released thousands of documents regarding the Agency’s involvement in drug-smuggling, extortion, and murder. There are ledgers, account numbers, signed directives, and all manner of incriminating evidence irrevocably linking CIA agents to hundreds of major felonies; but that’s not the worst part. The defector, one William Kingsley, has released the outline of a new plot to release an even more powerful drug into our nations cities.

There have long been conspiracy theories regarding the introduction of crack cocaine into American inner-cities by the Central Intelligence Agency. The ‘tin-foil hat’ crowd has always been convinced that Contras and independent contractors flew cocaine-laden planes into the airport at Mena, Arkansas, under the supervision of Colonel Oliver North; and with the cooperation of then-Governor of Arkansas, Bill Clinton. According to stories and reports by ghosts and dead men, the cocaine was then sold to finance black operations undertaken by the CIA. Coups were staged with drug profits, revolutions were initiated with blood money. It was a dirty, risky business, and many lives were lost or ruined in the process. At least, that’s what the Infowars set would have you believe. Most logical people dismissed the whole thing as the delusions of madmen; at least that is, until now.

Agent Kingsley, a West Point graduate and former intelligence officer, spent thirty years building a career as a high-level analyst in the Central Intelligence Agency, and no one is sure exactly why he chose to leave it all behind. The CIA is working hard to dismiss and discredit Kingsley as an extremist, but extremist or no, there is no disputing the credibility of the information he has released thus far. In his latest release of information via prepared statement, posted on various social networks and forums, Kingsley outlined the plan to release the new drug.

“The CIA has developed a new drug which gives the euphoric rush of cocaine, has the addictive qualities of heroin, with little risk of overdose. It is easily and cheaply produced, but requires listed chemicals and complex laboratory equipment. The goal was to keep costs down while making the drug nearly impossible to manufacture on the streets. After months of formulations, they hit the nail on the head. The Agency has not given the drug an official name, but for the time being, it is being referred to as ‘super crack’. The drug will be produced in several forms, to target the various types of users.”

The formula released by Kingsley has been tested by independent chemists and confirmed to be highly narcotic, and dangerously addictive. Dr Leo Marvin, a highly respected research pharmacist and organic chemist examined the formula and was shocked by its potency.

“This compound replicates dopamine and oxytocin at a rate that would nearly overwhelm the brain’s receptors. To return to baseline levels of those neurotransmitters after such an experience would no doubt render a person nearly suicidally depressed. A person addicted to a drug like this would be willing to pay any cost necessary to keep it in their system. The profit margin would be nearly unlimited,” Dr Marvin said, after his study of the compound.

Agent Kingsley asserts that the CIA plans to use the drug not only as a form of revenue, but also as a method of producing subservient and mindless zombies who can be controlled by manipulation of their addiction. He has provided pages of notes regarding the development of the drug and its possible uses.

“Imagine an army that doesn’t care about death or morality. That’s what the Agency wants. They are going to use this drug as a multiplier or a lever. A hit-man will kill a man for ten thousand dollars. A junkie will do it for a fix. For ten thousand dollars, they can make thousands of fixes. You do the math.”

Congress Approves Sugar Tax Bill; Cost Of Sugary Drinks And Foods Expected To Triple By 2016

Posted on August 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A bill that would tax granulated sugar and all sugary foods is expected to be signed by President Barack Obama next week, after The House gave final congressional approval on Wednesday to a bill that would tax sugar on a per-gram basis.

“Sugar abuse is linked to several health problems such as obesity, diabetes, and other various diseases. This tax on sugar would go straight into funding all medical research – not just those common ailments – but all medical research,” House speaker John Boehner said.

The sugar tax bill is expected to triple the cost of foods high in unnatural amounts of fructose such as carbonated beverages, candies, frozen novelties, and over 700 other foods and drinks.

“The proposed bill is a good thing. We expect it to cut back on the unnecessary consumption of all junk foods, therefore, gradually making Americans who abuse these foods and drinks healthier,” said Tom Harkin, the democratic senator from Iowa, who also serves as the chairman of the U.S. Senate Committee on Health Education, Labor & Pensions. “For those who are willing to pay the extra price, they will be helping the cause by funding research for a vast array of medical endeavors.”

While many agree this could be a good thing, it seems most Americans seem to be opposed to the tax. In a poll taken by Empire News, 1,500 citizens throughout the United States were asked the question, “Do you agree or disagree with the proposed “Sugar Tax” bill?” An overwhelming 67% said they disagree with the bill, 23% said they approved, while the remaining 10 % declared they were undecided on or unfamiliar with the matter.

In an interview with North Carolina Congresswoman Virginia Foxx, she said the stats that were compiled proved that the American people are unable to make reasonable decisions on their own that would benefit their overall health.

“It is incredibly alarming how American people have complete disregard for their health,” said Foxx. “Look, I love cherry pie, candy bars, and fruity mixed drinks as much as the next person, but I also know that abusing these things is really bad for me. So many things we do are horrible for our bodies. Take drinking, for example. Americans need to try drinking their booze straight more often. I have found that straight bourbon on ice is actually very refreshing, cut out the sugary, fruity crutches when you can. Drink it straight,” she said.

Mary Jane Jenkins of Noblesville, Indiana disagrees with the bill, saying it’s ‘the worst decision’ that the government has made in ages.

“Look, I’m a f—-ing American voter and taxpayer. I should be able to use my food stamp card on anything I want, but with this stupid ‘sugar tax’ there is no way I will be able to buy my kids a box of Snickers bars. They say the price will almost triple. That’s absurd. It was bad enough when New York was in the news over their soda tax a few years ago, but this is crossing a major line. What’s next? Are they gonna tax their damn video games, too? This is our lives. Let us live and die at our own damn pace, fulfilling our own damn desires,” said an infuriated Jenkins.

President Obama, as a vocal supporter of the bill, is expected to sign it into law next Thursday morning.

New Law Will Make Practicing The Mormon Religion Illegal

Posted on July 13, 2014 by JP

PROVO, Utah –

Religion has always been a touchy subject any way one chooses to look at it, causing wars, hatred, and feuds that may or may not have happened if it wasn’t for the beliefs held by any number of people. Regardless of the issues it may cause, one thing in life is certain, and that is that you are free to choose to believe in whatever you want, and the government cannot stop you.

Apparently, things are about to change for those wishing to practice at least one major religion. A new law being voted on in congress could pass, effectively making it illegal to follow the Mormon religion.

It is unclear why the United States would be voting to outlaw any religion, especially Mormonism, but the penalties and guidelines it entails are very extreme: anyone seen practicing the Mormon religion would be held in a prison cell for up to but not to exceed 5 years, and will only be released once a therapist and appointed clergyman feels that their beliefs have changed. This would still be true even if the law was repealed while the accused was incarcerated.

In conjunction with backlash that will come with such a harsh law, the government has said they will be offering a therapy program to Mormons that would like to learn about becoming followers of another religion, and the program will also give them an outlet to following that new way of life.

“Well, I mean, it does kind of make me happy to know I won’t have some stranger knocking on my door at 7:30AM, wanting to talk about God.” said Joe Goldsmith of Provo. “I’ve never been less interested in anyone’s beliefs – except for of course, perhaps, the Jehovah Witnesses. Those people show up at 6:30AM!”

News of the possibly outlaw of the Mormon faith reached the Vatican this morning, where Pope Francis was apparently thrilled.

“All the more for us,” Said the Pontiff. “They will come screaming to Catholicism. No one can outlaw the true Jesus Christ.”

The law, if passed, will take place January 1st, 2015. Any practicing Mormons are asked to keep a close watch on the possible law changes.

A Simple Solution To End Ludicrous Violence

Posted on July 10, 2014 by C. Anthony Rivera

It comes as no surprise to anyone that our world is terribly rife with violent crime. Homicides, genocides, mass murders, and the whole bunch that continually darkens the people. For years now, the government and eager individuals have attempted to conjure countless possible solutions to gun control, or possessing less violence as a whole. Even when these attempts have been made, the issue proceeds to breathe. Very unfortunate, indeed. Lives are at stake, the 2^nd Amendment is meeting controversy, and criminals are taking charge with the power of weaponry and the taste for greed, blood, and candy. Yet, I have come with a helpful solution that could solve it all.

Here is my consideration: instead of manufacturing weapons with bullets, the alternative load outs should be designed with none other than liquid. Liquid, such as water, will bring little to absolutely no lives taken. Instead of spurring out blood from the victim, laughter will be evoked. Imagine all of the SMGs, assault rifles, handguns, and whatever teenagers dream of having due to their addictions of Call of Duty and Jason Statham be turned into realistic weaponry with the inside being concealed with water, or some other liquid that can be deliciously consumed.

An anonymous group of politics have taken the idea into their hands and intend on bringing forth the idea to Congress for truthful consideration. The main issue would be the police and military forces; how would they protect us? Same deal: provide them the same liquid weaponry.

No more school shootings, no more war, no more gang fights, blood should be permanently replaced with laughter, or confusion because no one would assume that they would be shot with water guns.

I can see this as a comical notion, yet I believe that it is effective at best. Clowns, pranksters, and unnecessary YouTube stars would go either become famous or instantly go out of business. At this point, who would truly give care either way? We are trying to save lives here, people! Plus, comic weaponry (BANG! with the flag, bubbles, fireworks) would still be in existence. Let them keep that for their God blessed careers.

Finally, and wholly truthful, to whom it may concern, I am very positive about this solution. Laughter is the best medicine (aside from morphine)! Our humble children shouldn’t be witnessing spilled blood on the evening news, they should be seeing people laugh from the usage of water weaponry that are secretly intended for malice behavior. The kids do not need to know that. Let’s fix this world together!