Alabama Congressman: New Anti-Gay Law Will Maintain Proud History of Bigotry

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

Alabama congressman, John L. McLawton, has praised the passing of a landmark bill that will tolerate and even encourage discrimination against homosexuals in his state. This comes as a growing proportion of the state’s citizens are joining the fight to protect the traditional identity of the region. Previously, the only victory of the movement known as People Against Oppressive Tolerance (PAOT) had been the legalization of forced conversions of Muslims and Jews.

“This is a great victory in preserving our proud history of baseless bigotry,” said PAOT chairman, Hamish Connolly. “The southern states have always served the final bastion of the US identity, and these traditions are a major part of who we are as a people.”

The bill has come as a major blow to the growing LGBT rights movement in certain Alabama cities, which has up till now been fighting for the legitimization of gay marriage. Observers will expect the organization to change their stance, regressing to the archaic battle against institutionalized intolerance.

“The situation is pretty dire,” admitted marriage equality activist Pam Newman. “I thought we were making headway, but apparently the traditionalists are still in the majority. I know we’ve been reaching a little high – I mean, going against our state’s proud history is a big ask – but I never realized how much we were offending others.”

Despite developments, polls indicate that the majority of Alabamians oppose the bill, with many committing to fight against it – or at least sign a petition. Sociologists cite the natural human instinct “not to be like their parents” as the reason.

“Young people don’t wanna act like the old folk,” said Professor John F Jacobson. “We see it all the time. There’s those who won’t discriminate against blacks, some who won’t beat up Jews, and even a few who reject the idea of intolerance altogether. It’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater in my opinion.”

Reports are now emerging that PAOT’s next fight will be to legalize the disposal of wet infants.

Obama Ask Congress To Approve Sale Of Alaska To Chinese Government, Hopes To Pay Off National Debt

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama shocked congress today when he announced that he has been secretly talking to the Chinese government about selling Alaska. Obama promised the sale of Alaska to the Chinese in hopes that he would be able to pay off the national debt. He also stated that he sees no logical reason why congress should not approve of it.

“For the past several months I’ve been secretly negotiating with President Xi Jinping of China,” announced President Obama. ”Alaska actually is a pretty expensive piece of land with all it’s gold and oil, and President Jinping is will to pay the value of our national debt, a little over 18 trillion, which we have come to figure is just only slight above 1 trillion over market value. With those numbers, even the most racist republicans can’t say that’s a bad deal.”

Obama says that although he feels that China being so close to the United States and Canada could later have disatrous effects, the ability to pay off completely the debt owed by the country would be an immense relief.

“When congress approves of the sale, our nation will be debt free, and that’s a good thing. Ever since I took office, all I have heard is ‘national debt’ this, and ‘national debt’ that, and what am I going to do about it? Well, I did something, now it’s in the Republicans hands to finish the deal.”

“I think it’s a great idea, as all of Obama’s ideas have been so far,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. ”I know that I never personally considered Alaska part of America anyway. The only people who live there are freedom loving gun nuts like Sarah Palin, and that’s not what America is about anymore.”

Not everyone shares the same optimism about the sale as President Obama and other democrats, though.

“Alaskans won’t stand for it, that’s for sure! We may be different, but we are not crazy,” said former Alaskan governer Sarah Palin. ”Who does Obama think he is? How about reducing the debt by spending less, that’s how we do it in the Palin household. I don’t think Obama could even balance his own checkbook, never mind clearing out our national debt!”

“Theres not a chance in hell this will pass,” said Rep. John Boehner. ”The President is out of touch with reality. I wake up every day and say to myself:’ just two more years…just two more years…'”

Obama Calls For ‘Prepping’ To Be Outlawed, Calls Preppers ‘Homegrown Terrorists’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama urged Congress today to pass laws limiting the amount of food and ammunition a citizen can have on stockpile at any given time. The President was quotes as saying that “These people preparing for a government collapse are the one’s most likely to cause it.”

“The government is here to supply your needs, so there’s no need to have a 3 year food supply hidden in your basement,” said President Obama. ”After binge-watching episodes Doomsday Preppers on the Netflix, I see how dangerous and un-American these people are. In a failing society we all have to work together, and if you’re hoarding food, there’s less for everyone else. No one should be hoarding ammunition, and I think anything more than 50 rounds should be criminal. I’m asking Congress to push through new laws, making it a crime to have more than a 30 day supply of food or more than 50 rounds of ammunition in your home. These preppers are more of a danger to America than ISIS, and they need to be stopped.”

“He’s right again, as always,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. “Preppers are dangerous and crazy people. If there’s a disaster, the government will help you and your family. Prepping is some kind of mental illness, and they shouldn’t even be able to have guns and weapons.”

Not everyone feels the way that President Obama and other democrats do, though. Many republican senators are quick to strike down the proposal, saying that prepping is something that should be the God-given right of every American citizen.

“Preppers are smart, they know history shows you can’t count on your government,” explained Senator Ted Cruz. “When I’m President, I’m going to encourage everyone to have at several years of canned food and bottled water on hand. Preparing to take care of your family is the American way, and the only way that will keep us strong in time of dire need. If Obama wants to talk prepping, he should prep his ass for some serious fight on this issue.”

President Obama: Undocumented Immigrants Who Worked ‘Off The Books’ Can Still File Taxes, Get A Refund

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama is making waves this morning after announcing an extremely controversial decision that will causes massive changes and government payouts for immigrants, this time allowing illegals to file taxes to get a refund. Illegal aliens who worked ‘off the books’ throughout 2014 will be able to get refunds on taxes they would have paid. The President says he will allow them to use the honor system, and that illegal immigrants can file using an approximation of their earned income.

“We need to stop treating undocumented immigrants like second class people, we are better than that,” said President Obama. ”These hard working men and women are forced to work off the books, in the shadows of our employment systems. Just because they didn’t pay into the State or Federal government like people normally do with taxes withheld from their paychecks, does not mean they don’t deserve to have their refunds.”

“Because undocumented aliens won’t be receiving a W-2 form, these workers will be allowed to estimate how much they got paid in 2014,” said White House press secretary Joe Myers. “Their refund will be based on their estimate and how much would of been withheld if they actually paid taxes. We estimate that these people, who in many cases have risked life-and-limb to make it to the United States, would not risk lying about their income to increase a return. We have faith in all undocumented immigrants.”

“Apparently Obama does not understand how taxes work, or where the refunds are coming from,” said Senator Ted Cruz.” Well, I do, and if you have no state and federal taxes withheld, you don’t get a refund. He’s just giving them free money, and he’s buying democratic votes with this plan. The problem is the money isn’t free, it’s coming right from the pockets of hard working Americans. When I’m elected President, I’ll make it so uncomfortable for illegals, they will be climbing the fence back into Mexico.”

Studio Admits ‘American Sniper’ Is Propaganda Film; Movie Was Commissioned By U.S. Government

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Warner Bros. Entertainment, in an announcement that surprised no one, admitted Wednesday that their box office hit, American Sniper, was actually a poorly disguised propaganda film commissioned by the US government.

“We don’t see it as shameful to be promoting patriotism in our beloved country,” said CEO Kevin Tsujihara. “Chris Kyle is someone we can be proud of. He was a true American hero, one who was willing to give up all qualms over what is moral and good to mindlessly kill individuals his country told him were the baddies.”

Director Clint Eastwood, however, denied that he knew anything about government intervention.

“Propaganda?” he yelled. “What’s this propaganda?! To have pride in your country is propaganda?! To do what it takes to save the lives of American citizens is propaganda?! Those liberals will be the death of us all!”

According to military sources, conscription to the armed forces has rocketed since the release of the obvious glorification of American interests.

“Since the film’s release, we’ve seen a massive increase in young men and women signing up for the Navy. Millions of people, so that film is working. And it’s not just the poor and aimless who are choosing to fight any longer,” an anonymous source told news outlets. “Privileged rich boys are giving up their lives to do whatever the current authorities have deemed is necessary. It’s a pleasant break from what we’re used to.”

While President Obama, along with other Democrat leaders, has distanced himself from reports on government involvement, certain Republicans have come out in defense and praise of the film that received six Oscar nominations.

“In all my years,” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, breathing heavily. “In all my years, I’ve never heard such anti-patriotism as is coming from the liberal left. American Sniper is itself an all-American victory. What others may call propaganda, I call spreading truth. What’s next? They’ll start calling Uncle Sam propaganda, that’s what’s next!”

Jaywalking Charges In New York Have Increased To One Year In Prison

Posted on January 8, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you happen to live in New York City, you may want to wait a little longer for that crossing light to pop up before trying to make it across the street. A new law being presented to the New York State Congress by lawmakers today states that anyone caught jaywalking within city limits will face extreme new charges, including fines and up to one full year in prison.

The decision was made after several years of studies on traffic accidents involving pedestrians, who in busy New York City will often rush through the city streets while texting, talking on phones, or just generally being ignorant of their surroundings. The city holds the record for the most jaywalking charges in the entire country, and the local government have been working closely with police to come up with a strict solution.

“You ever have a guy tell you to lick his bean bag because you gave him a jaywalking ticket?” said Officer Carl Brown of the NYPD. “I honestly love the idea of a person going to jail for jaywalking. Maybe it will show them some patience. People forget how big New York is, and how many people are in it. I’ve seen people get hit by cars while jaywalking, and if they just relaxed, took a second, and found a damn crosswalk, they’d have been fine. Once the law is in effect, I can’t wait to slap the cuffs on some idiot for crossing the street illegally.”

The law will start at an as-yet-undecided date in 2015, as officials work out final details. The city says that they fear if they began citing individuals for violating the law without warning, more than 90% of the city would be behind bars. Police officers are currently being briefed on the law in anticipation of the changes.

“We’re super excited for this to happen,” said Officer Brown. “I’m chomping at the bit to lock up some of these hardcore criminals.”

Taliban Vows to Kill More Children If Demands Aren’t Met

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PESHAWAR, Pakistan –

On Monday night, while most of America slumbered safely in their beds, Taliban gunman stormed a school in the Northwestern Pakistani city of Peshawar. Group leaders say the attack that killed 141 people, mostly children, will not be the last in their campaign.

A Pakistani military spokesman, Asim Bajwa, says this is not the first attack on children, and they expect the violence to escalate.

“This isn’t the first attack on our schools. The seven attackers are dead, thankfully, but I fear there will be bigger attacks to come. I don’t think that our government, or the American government, cares about this plight we are facing. I fear we are lost.”

“The problem is, there are many, many more people willing to join with the Taliban and blow their nuts off for this insane cause. All we can do is take ‘em out, one cave at a time,” said US military spokesperson Sam Jackson. “As aid, the US government plans to send some old metal detectors, retired volunteer policemen, and a guy wearing a McGruff the Crime Dog suit to help make their schools safer. We could send military, but to be honest, we just don’t give a shit about – Hey, wait. This is off the record, right?”

The Taliban has said that they believe this violent attack will help them recruit new members. “If you’re not with us you’re against us. Come join us, brothers, and we will teach you the way. We will kill soft, American piglets together. Death to infidels! Death to America!”

President Obama responded to the threats of further violence in Pakistan with a light shrug, and a frown-face. “We’ll do all we can, but to be fair, the gunmen have already been killed, so there’s no real reason to get involved right now. If this massacre and violence had happened in an American school, then the call to action would immediate. But this all happened on a foreign land, with foreign forces attacking foreign people in a foreign school. I think for now, we’ll just wait it out.”

Al Gore Rushed to New England Hospital With Symptoms Of Frostbite

Posted on December 8, 2014 by Abe Abrams

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Former vice-president Al Gore was reportedly struck with a violent case of frostbite earlier this morning, while indoctrinating America’s youth in the perils of global warming at a New England elementary school .

After a frighteningly inappropriate speech given in the schools gymnasium, Gore was invited to follow the children out to recess. According to several teachers, Gore was not appropriately dressed for the cold front gripping the area, and while playing ‘King of the Hill’ with the children, he became soaked in cold, wet snow. A secret service agent, assigned to the former vice-president during his tours, noticed red splotches on Gore’s face and hands.

“Well, it was supposed to be a speech on conservation. You know – turn off lights, don’t run the water when brushing your teeth, that sort of thing,” said Ralph Stevens, 4th grade teacher. “But Mr. Gore took his speech over the top. My God, he had a slide show featuring dead polar bears, crying Eskimos, and drawings of cities under water. When it was done, the children were visibly upset and many were crying about the dead animals, so I called for recess to cheer them up.”

“It was disgusting, really,” said Principal Ann Parsons. “Mr. Gore followed the children outside, taking over a game of King of the Hill, and he was violently shoving kids off the hill, declaring himself Ruler of the World. I tried to stop it, but the secret service would not let me get close. It was unseasonably chilly, around 28 degrees, and although the children were all dressed in winter clothes, Mr. Gore was just in a suit and tie, not even a jacket. After about an hour, the secret service swarmed around him and whisked him away to the motorcade, knocking over children as they went. I was glad to see him go.”

“Luckily the doctors say I will end up being okay, and that we got here in time, so there’s no reason to amputate anything,” said Gore from a Massachusetts General hospital bed. ”I was wondering why my entire body was aching and hurting. I just thought it was because I was throwing all those kids around. Anyway, I just want everyone to know global warming is real, and that I will continue to educate the children through my school tours. I can show you all the science you need, but the average temperature dropping over the last seven years should prove it all. If no one else, the uneducated kids of America will certainly believe me.”

Government, Health Department Says Ebola Turns Earthworms Into Real Life ‘Tremors’

Posted on November 23, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

An emergency press release was conducted by the Health Department warning all government officials to refrain from burying the bodies of future Ebola victims. According to Health Department Spokesperson Elliot Tevere, though the effects of Ebola on earthworms is unknown, the Health Department has reason to believe that the Ebola virus is capable of turning even the smallest earthworm into an enormous worm, or Tremor.

According to Trevere, the Health Department has compiled mountains of compelling data in support of their theory, however at this time are not willing to share the data with the public.

“We are not at liberty to share the results of our findings; however top scientists have been working feverishly in the lab. They have been conducting high level tests,” said Trevere. “The general public is just not ready to know the details surrounding the tests.”

The word Tremor stems from a popular movie franchise in which small towns are infiltrated by enormous worm-like monsters that live underground. The first feature in the 4 movie franchise was entitled Tremors, and was released in 1990.

An anchor from a local Los Angeles FOX affiliate station had the opportunity to sit down with original Tremors cast member Kevin Bacon, and asked him the likelihood of the Ebola Virus morphing earthworms to creatures similar to those found in his hit 1990 movie. Kevin responded to the question by saying “Your question in itself is absurd, are you really asking me if I believe the Ebola virus can create monsters similar to those featured in a pretend movie? C’mon.”

Actor Michael Gross, who unlike Bacon has starred in all 4 Tremors movies and is slated to play a role in Tremors 5, scheduled for release in 2016, shared a different opinion on the matter when he sat down with a MSNBC representative earlier this afternoon.

When Gross was asked a similar question regarding the likelihood of the Ebola virus causing earthworms to morph into Tremor like monsters he responded by saying “Oh, absolutely! I have no doubt the Health Department’s claims hold their weight in gold. Look, I have completed extensive research, and have enough hands-on experience with shooting 4, almost 5, of these Tremor movies to tell you that this is exactly how these things start.”

Gross concluded the interview by saying, “Our saving grace is that technologically our society is far more equipped to handle these motherhumpers than we were in 1990.”

New Federal Law Makes It Illegal To Wear Racist, ‘Insensitive’ Halloween Costumes

Posted on October 30, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It has just been announced that a new law will be enforced this Halloween outlawing any Halloween costume that could be viewed as racist or ‘insensitive.’ The law is being passed down from the federal government and is estimated to effect over a million United States citizens come October 31^st.

It is unclear what has prompted this last-minute regulation to be implemented, however experts speculate that the thousands of white guys that have vocalized their plan to use “black face” to imitate Ray Rice this Halloween probably have something to do with it.

One expert said, “Over the last 5 years, the media’s obsession with racy, obscene, or insensitive Halloween costumes has reached an all-time high, and I think the government felt it was finally time to jump in and regulate the situation, I personally think the law is brilliant and I welcome it with open arms. They are just in the nick of time before Halloween this year. I’m glad they didn’t hold out until next Halloween. This is definitely an issue that needed to be nipped in the bud.”

In this morning’s press conference from the White House, it was announced that the federal government will be working closely with local law enforcement everywhere to ensure 100% compliance of the new regulation. It has been reported that local police will be “dropping by” all costume parties to ensure that everyone’s having a blast while wearing appropriate attire. It has been made very clear that no warnings will be issued; anybody out of code will be spending the night on the cold floor of their local jail and could be facing fines of upwards of $950.

Though a full list of approved costumes has not been released, the law clearly outlines, if you are Caucasian you are not to dress in any way that imitates or pokes fun at Blacks, Indians (of any kind), Mexicans, Gypsies, or Asians. It is unclear if rich white folks can dress as ‘Poor White Trash.’ The law also states that African-American citizens will be permitted to dress as President Obama, however caucasian citizens cannot. It was said, though, that anyone of any race or ethnicity will be permitted to dress in costumes that poke fun at previous presidents Bush and Clinton.

Those that oppose the new law say that it seems to be discriminatory and directed only to the Caucasian population, as there are not clearly outlined regulations on what any other ethnicities are required to avoid.

A government spokesperson responded to the allegation by chuckling and saying “Oh man, people will complain about anything!”

Those hoping that the new seemingly heavy-handed regulation will be discarded by next year are in for a disappointment, as it’s been said an even stricter law is being drafted and should be passed by Halloween 2015.