Tanning Salon Chain Sued After Putting Cooking Oil in Self-Tanner

Posted on December 8, 2014 by DvanL

MALIBU, California –

More than a dozen people have filed suit against the Shining Sun, Inc. chain of tanning salons after it was revealed that the self-tanner applied to their bodies was actually cooking oil. A labeling error is blamed for the mixup.

Shining Sun uses a combination of lightly tinted self-tanner and natural botanicals rather than a heavy oil-based spray. Usually within 24-48 hours, the tan deepens, depending on the person’s body chemistry.

“A few of the people who felt the spray tan wasn’t working fast also used the salon’s tanning beds,” said Dr. Paul Westerbrook of Malibu Urgent Care Hospital. “A couple came in to our E.R., and they were showing signs of acute sun poisoning. I know this is Malibu, but it’s still a rarity, especially in December. I asked them how long they had been in the tanning beds, and they said about 20 minutes. After a number of other people started coming in and were also showing signs of sun poisoning, we started investigating.”

Dr. Westerbrook first questioned the couple on why they would use the tanning beds and the fake tan spray together. “They told me they were in a wedding party and wanted to look ‘healthy’ for the photographs, and the spray tan they received wasn’t working fast enough. We eventually examined the spray, and determined that it was soybean oil. They literally cooked themselves while laying in the tanning beds.”

“The tan looks great, but I feel like hell,” said Marc Chaleur, lead plaintiff named in the lawsuit. “My wife can’t even talk because her lips are so swollen, but other than that, she said it’s the most even tan she’s ever gotten. At least that’s what I think she said.”

Shining Sun, Inc. spokesperson Autumn Trent released a statement from its corporate headquarters in Malibu.

Due to a third-party vendor error, several batches of our natural tanning solution were mislabeled, resulting in discomfort and injury to a number of our patrons. While we regret this unfortunate circumstance, because the matter has become a legal issue, further statements and updates regarding the matter will be issued by the law firm of Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn.

Plaintiffs Mr. & Mrs. Chaleur hope to make the photo session for the upcoming wedding after a few days’ rest and lots of cool baths. “My wife said she’s determined to look her best at the photo shoot. I mean, at least that’s what I think she said,” added Chaleur.

Man Sues Dating Website, Says ‘My Perfect Matches Are Always Black’

Posted on December 3, 2014 by JP

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

A Charlotte man has filed a lawsuit against a popular online dating site, citing his ‘extreme unhappiness’ with the results the website had been giving him. Gil Green, age 33, claims that all of the ‘perfect matches’ recommended to him through the site were African-American.

“I want to find myself a nice white woman and the site couldn’t get that straight,” said Green. “It isn’t fair to me at all that they would assume that I’m into black girls. I put in all my own information, and what I was looking for in a girl, and every time I checked who it matched me with, it was some dark-skinned broad.”

Green is claiming that the website was ‘deliberately sabotaging’ his love life, and that is why he was filing suit.

“I’m just a simple man, and I’m trying to find a wife, or at least a couple good dates, maybe a couple of blowjays, you know? But no mater how many times computer tells me my perfect match is black, I can’t just settle on that,” said Green. “It’s not a racist thing, I’ve met black people before. Some of them are even pretty cool. I just don’t find black women attractive. I’m sure plenty of black women don’t find me attractive. I shouldn’t have to change my standards to find a date on the internet.”

Green’s lawyer, Joe Goldsmith, Esq., who filed the suit in a North Carolina Superior Court, said he thinks that Green has ‘no chance in hell’ of ever winning the case.

“I only took this case for the money, my practice is struggling, and whatever pays the bills, you know?” said Goldsmith. “Mr. Green seems to be really confused about the internet and online dating in general, because the website he is filing suit against is ‘blackpeoplemeet.com’. Obviously his matches are going to be African-American. Frankly, Mr. Green is an idiot, and quite possibly a bigot.”

Representatives of blackpeoplemeet.com have yet to comment on the lawsuit, except to say that they “assume the outcome of the case will be a no-brainer.”

Porn Star Sues After Being Prematurely Blasted In The Face

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

SAN FERNANDO, California –

Porn star Helen Humps filed suit today claiming she was blasted in the face prematurely while shooting a scene in her upcoming movie The Fast and The Facial. Randy Rams, her co-star, could not be reached for comment, but a close friend stated that Randy was trying to forget the incident.

“It all happened about four months ago, and I haven’t been able to get work since, I’m physically and emotionally damaged,” said Helen Humps, whose real name is Helen Lovecock. ”It started out a normal day on set. I was working on The Fast and the Facial and everybody was excited, I mean this was a big time movie. This was my first film that had a script, and my first film that wasn’t shot, edited and released all in the same day. I was hoping that this was the one that was going to make me a star.”

As it turns out, an uncommon malfunction on the film set would cost Humps her big break in pornographic films.

“Randy and I were shooting a scene in the front seat of a Honda Civic – I was in driver’s seat because I played the ‘bad girl’ racer. Right as I was about to go down on Randy – BLAST! Right in my face! The airbag exploded, and the car wasn’t even moving. The impact broke my nose and chipped my tooth. I screamed, Randy screamed, blood was pouring out my nose, it was horrible. Now look at me. It’s been four months, and even all healed up I still have a crooked nose, and the chipped tooth ended up falling out completely. It’s not like porn stars have a health plan, and no one will hire me. That’s why I’m suing Honda for medical costs and loss of wages.”

Lawyers for Honda would not comment on active lawsuits, but did release a statement claiming that prop cars are not covered under warranty.

Landmark Settlement Reached In Moist Towelette Disfigurement Case

Posted on November 20, 2014 by DvanL

WHEATON, Illinois –

Like millions of Americans, Charlotte Buckner enjoys feeling fresh. Sometimes that means using a Wash’N’Wipe moist towlette when she’s traveling on the road. Unlike millions of Americans, Charlotte was recently awarded $6.4 million in damages from Wash’N’Wipe Industries.

“I rubbed myself raw,” said Charlotte, 51. “I was late for an appointment to show our new product line to some vendors.” Charlotte is product manager for a line of negative pressure ventilators, more commonly known as iron lungs. “It was very hot that day and I was dragging the ventilator in and out of my car, up and down stairways – I was so out of breath by the time I got to the last appointment, I felt like crawling in the thing myself.”

Reaching for her handy Wash’N’Wipes, Charlotte decided to “freshen up” before applying a new layer of makeup. “I wiped my face just like I always do, and I didn’t realize my Wash’N’Wipe was actually very dry. I was just so oily and sweaty. I have combination skin.”

The next thing she knew, her face felt as though it was burning. “My face felt like it was on fire,” said Buckner. “I felt burning, and looked in the mirror. I had all sorts of red and blue marks on my face and I immediately called 911. I didn’t know where the nearest hospital was, but they gave me directions. I ran in screaming. They gave me all sorts of shots and eventually the pain went away, but all the red marks were still there. I had to cancel the appointment with the vendor, and we lost the account.”

Charlotte returned home and hired a lawyer. “Originally, I was just going to sue for my hospital bills, but my attorney said ‘go for it,’ so I did. We sued for permanent damage to my face. With makeup, I can hide the scars, but I still look terrible. I frighten children now.”

Has Charlotte stopped using Wash’N’Wipes? “All I can say is that I did enjoy my Wash’N’Wipes for many years before this unfortunate incident, which impaired my ability to fulfill my business duties causing irreparable harm.”

A representative from Wash’N’Wipe Industries told Empire News that the company stands by their product and has millions of satisfied customers. “The packaging must have been damaged during shipping,” said the spokesperson.

Charlotte plans on taking an early retirement as a result of her windfall. “It’s about time I got out of the iron lung game,” she said. “Sales never bounced back since the polio vaccine was invented, so I’m going to enjoy what’s left of my disfigured life.”

McDonald’s Restaurants Plans Lawsuit Against Man Who Named His Son ‘Big Mac’

Posted on November 13, 2014 by JP

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Carl Powell, 35, is facing a major lawsuit from popular fast food chain McDonald’s after naming his first-born son Big Mac Powell. Powell feels that the lawsuit is ridiculous, and that they should be paying him for the additional publicity that his son’s name will give them.

“It’s crazy man, I’ve never faced anything like this before,” said Powell. “I hate that a big company like that thinks they can just push around someone small like me. I mean their motto is ‘Have It Your Way,’ isn’t it? No, wait, that’s not right is it? That’s Burger King. I eat a lot of fast food so sometimes I mix things up.”

McDonald’s has yet to comment on the lawsuit, but a letter sent to the Powell household by the company expressed that either Powell change his son’s name, or he’d be sued for millions.

Ironically, Powell’s net worth is just over $4 million dollars, after he won a lawsuit against McDonald’s in the 1990s. The lawsuit against the company occurred because Powell choked on a Big Mac while dining inside of a McDonald’s restaurant, and the entire staff watched him choke, while doing nothing. He lost consciousness, and fell into a coma for weeks.

“When I finally awoke in the hospital bed, a lawyer was standing over my bed asking if I wanted to become a millionaire. It was the happiest moment of my life – well, up until having my baby boy Big Mac. That the reason I named him that, to honor the day I became a millionaire, and because even though one almost killed me, Big Macs are delicious.”

Powell has hired a lawyer to defend his right to name his child whatever he likes.

“This is America, damn it. Where a man can eat a Big Mac, name his son Big Mac, or have sex with a Big Mac, if he chooses. McDonald’s may have given me these millions, but they’re sure as hell going to fight to take them away.”

Man Sues Hospital After Doctor Accidentally Performs Sex Change Instead of Liposuction

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rick Ryan, an aging porno film star that has appeared in over 500 films, is suing his surgeon and the hospital he recently visited for botching a simple procedure. The actor allegedly had his livelihood cut off in what was supposed to be a simple tummy tuck procedure.

“I’m a star, or at least I was a star. I had one of the most recognizable penises in the world. A small amount of liposuction was all I wanted,” said Ryan. “Every guy knows that the smaller the stomach and pouch is, the bigger the penis looks. I’ve had the procedure done in the past, but this time they removed my penis, inverted it, and gave me a vagina!”

“It was all a horrible misunderstanding,” said Dr. Clark Campbell, the surgeon who performed the operation. “I wasn’t even supposed to do the procedure – my partner came down sick, so I finished his surgeries for the day. There was a mix up with the charts it seems, which is unfortunate and I apologize. I didn’t think anything of it when I performed the surgery because, quite frankly, Mr. Ryan’s penis looked like he beat it as if it owed him money. I thought to myself ‘this is a man who doesn’t want his penis.’ Now that I know he was a popular adult film actor, it does give an entirely new explanation for why his dick was so raw and swollen.”

“To be honest, I’ve already gotten some work offers doing some girl-on-girl, but it’s just not the same. I do find myself playing with my vagina more than I did my penis, but this lawsuit is not about pleasure, it’s about money. I’m Rick Ryan, damn it. They took my dick, now I’m going to take their balls!”

Peter Palmer, public relations for Los Angeles Metropolitan Hospital said he doesn’t really understand the complaints.

“This is very embarrassing for us as a medical establishment, yes, although I don’t see why Mr. Ryan is that upset. I’m a big fan of all of his films, but to be fair they were all gay porn and Ryan is a bottom. His moneymaker has always been that ass.”

38-Year-Old Man Sues Parents, Blames Them For His Small Penis

Posted on November 4, 2014 by JP

DURHAM, North Carolina –

David Jones, age 38, is in a heated court settlement this month and the case is raising eyebrows all over the nation. Jones is currently suing his parents, Mary and Jon Jones, but for something that most would agree they had no control over.

Jones has been in court trying to get a settlement for over a month, and it appears his lawyer is making a good case for him.

Late in September, Jones filed the lawsuit in a Durham court that blamed his parents for his very small penis. His defense is that it has caused him depression, anxiety, and problems finding a girlfriend or wife because of it. At age 10, David had a penis that was only 3 inches when erect, and he has confirmed that it has not grown since.

“I’m tired of this little boy’s penis,” said Jones in his court appearance. “I am ashamed of it. I just want to hide my face in sorrow. That’s why I’m suing my parents and making a giant, public spectacle over it, because I don’t want anyone to know how tiny my penis really is.”

Jones’ parents are in shock over the case, and are pleading to the judge that they had no control over the situation. Their claim is that although they wish that they could have provided David with his desired penis size, like a lot of things David wanted growing up, this is just one more thing they had no control over.

Jones parents have admitted that this is an issue he has been upset about since he was a child, but they continued to tell him that it would grow as he got older.

“He always wanted a bigger penis,” said Jon Jones, 61. “He saw me in the shower once by accident when he was about 7, and I think it’s given him emotional distress ever since. I mean, not to brag, but I’ve got more hose than a nervous fireman. If he’s got a baby penis, then those genes came from his mother’s side, not mine.”

“David’s parents have admitted he complained about his penis size, or lack thereof, non-stop growing up, but they did nothing about it. If he was begging for food and didn’t receive anything to eat, his parents would have behind bars years ago. That is the angle my client is taking, and I can tell that people are starting to see things in a different light,” said Jones’ lawyer Joseph Goldsmith.

If a settlement in the case can be reached, Jones has said he will undergo surgery to increase the size of his penis, both length and girth.

Parents Of Mentally Disabled Teen Plan Lawsuit Against ‘Transformers’ Director Michael Bay

Posted on October 28, 2014 by Chip

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Jeremy and Linda Watson are preparing a lawsuit against director Michael Bay for the pain and suffering they are currently experiencing due to their 14-year-old son Nate’s behavior after he watched the latest Transformers film. Jeremy and Linda say that Nate has a mental handicap, and doesn’t understand that the movie is pretend.

Linda Watson has said that the issue stems around Nate having a hard time differentiating between what is real and what is fictional.

The parents say they typically ensure Nate doesn’t have access to fictional and ‘fantastical’ material of any sort, however they had rented Transformers from Redbox for themselves, and accidentally left in the family’s blu-ray player after watching it last Saturday night. The next morning, Nate woke up and noticed the Redbox case sitting on the player and started watching the movie without alerting his parents.

The Watson’s realized Nate had watched the movie when they found him in a panicked state, throwing all of his Hot Wheels toys out the family’s living room. Nate told his parents that he can’t have them anymore because he doesn’t want them to transform.

In addition to being terrified of his once favorite toys, he refuses to get in the family’s minivan in fear that it will transform. The Watson’s have said that attempting to get Nate in the car is an excruciating task. Linda said “It’s an incredibly miserable experience, he cries, kicks, screams, and uses vulgar language. Not only is his behavior jarring, but it’s embarrassing for us as all of the neighbors stop to stare at the scene Nate is creating.”

As of today, the Watson’s have not been able to find an attorney willing to take on the case. In a recent interview with a local newspaper, Jeremy Watson was quoted saying “Michael Bay has more money than God after making all these big-budget, Hollywood crapfest films he’s known for, and he deserves to pay. It’s his responsibility to make sure that people with disabilities don’t see his films, and it’s his responsibility to make sure that he isn’t creating films that will harm children or young adults.”

Redbox looked into credit card transactions, and has indicated that they have no record of the Watsons ever renting the Transformers movie. Michael Bay could not be reached for comment.

Family Pediatrician In Hot Water After Diagnosing 7-Year-Old With ‘A Case of the Gays’

Posted on October 27, 2014 by Chip

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Carl and Debbie Houser have spoken out publicly against their family pediatrician Dr. Walter Wentworth for diagnosing their 7-year-old son Randall with “a case of the gays.” The story first gained media attention when Janice Henderson, a local reporter for Boston’s affiliate FOX station stumbled across an online blog created by Debbie Houser entitled Mommy Knows The Truth.

Houser says it all started at the beginning of October, when their son Randall arrived home from school with a fever of 102. “He was really lethargic and hot to the touch,” said Houser. “We immediately took him to our family doctor to have him checked out. We have been taking Randall to Dr. Wentworth since he was born; he was actually my husband’s pediatrician as well. He has been taking care of our family for ages.”

Dr. Wentworth seemed disinterested in treating the boys fever and told Debbie and Carl that there is no reason for them to panic, and that it was probably just associated with a stomach bug that has been going around.

According to Debbie, “[Wentworth] was so dismissive about poor Randall’s fever, then he got real serious, and said ‘you may want to brace yourself for the news I’m about to deliver.’” Debbie says she and Carl were terrified to hear what the doctor was going to say next.

Dr. Wentworth told the concerned parents that he had been tracking young Randall’s behavior for many years, and feels confident that Randall has what he referred to as “a case of the gays.”

He explained that Randall exhibits many effeminate behaviors that are quite worrisome and cannot be ignored. Dr. Wentworth told the Housers that Randall has developed a lisp that he didn’t have 2 years ago, often wears pink and purple clothing, and typically plays with the girl’s toys in the pediatrician’s waiting room.

Though Carl and Debbie tell the media that they were outraged by the offensive and confusing diagnosis, several of Dr. Wentworth’s nurses have told the media they overheard Carl Houser privately pleading with Dr. Wentworth to “please fix his son.”

The Housers say they are planning a lawsuit against their former doctor, although they haven’t said what, precisely, they are suing for or why.

“Our lawyer thinks we can sue him just for his offensive diagnosis, and the emotional distress it’s caused us…I mean Randall,” said Debbie. “Dr. Wentworth needs to realize that our son is not gay. I mean, even if he was, we would love him just the same, but he’s only 7 years old. He’s definitely not gay. He just isn’t. That’s the beginning and the end of if. There are no gay people in my family at all. Period.”

Dr. Wentworth says he isn’t worried about a lawsuit. “The kid’s as queer as a three dollar bill. What are they going to sue me over? Telling them the truth?”

Family Sues Fortune Cookie Manufacturer After Finding Filthy Fortunes

Posted on September 14, 2014 by DvanL

CARMEL, New York –

A fun family trip quickly turned into a nasty nightmare for the Bryant family of upstate Carmel, New York, after several lewd “novelty” fortune cookies were mistakenly placed on their table.

Joy and Matt Bryant planned a day of fun for Joy’s parents, Eloise and Earl, and for their 6-year-old daughter, Angela.

“It was Mum and Dad’s anniversary. They really wanted to visit the Guggenheim [Museum]. Mom studied art way back when, and said she practically used to live there.”

“So this man was handing out restaurant coupons,” said Earl. “It was for a Chinese place, and you really can’t get halfway decent Chinese up by us, so I took one. We go down the street and the place looked nice, so in we went!”

“The food and the service were good,” he added.

“I had the orange chicken!” said Angela. “And then I needed another fortune cookie because I dropped my fortune cookie on the floor. It said ‘You will have a surprise very soon.’”

The fortune proved to be chillingly accurate.

Waiter Eddie Tan explained what happened next.

“The girl was upset because she dropped her cookie, so I go back and grab a handful and put them on her plate, and she was very happy. I go back to the kitchen and the mother screams and the father yells ‘Where’s the boss? Where’s the boss?’”

Tan had mistakenly taken a handful of “adult” novelty fortunes meant only for the staff to see. The smutty fortunes were brought in earlier as a ‘gag’ gift to celebrate a co-worker’s birthday.

Joy explained, “My 6-year-old turns to me and asks, ‘Mommy, what’s a r–job? It says ‘Tonight you will get a r–job.’ Well, I screamed out loud and my husband told my daughter never to say that word again. Then we read the rest of them.”

“The next one said, ‘You will eat some p—- tonight,’” she continued. “And the one after that said ‘You need to get a rusty trombone.’ I was horrified! At church we got a pamphlet with every dirty word you can think of to teach your children not to say – that’s how I knew what every word meant,” she quickly explained.

Joy’s father didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

“Matt was getting the manager,” said Earl, “so I took a look at the other ones and they sounded okay to me. I don’t know what an ‘Angry Dragon’ is, but I figured it was something about the Chinese New Year. I know what a ‘piledriver’ is because I used to do that all the time with my guys.” Earl is a retired telephone company foreman.

“Another one said ‘Do you like hobknocking?’ Maybe I do. Beats me. The last one I read said ‘Give me a blumpkin!’ That sounded like a fancy dessert, and since we only got the orange slices and fortune cookies, I really wanted to get a blumpkin! Then the waiter took them away.”

“I raised Holy Hell!” Said Matt. “The waiter explained what happened and said they wouldn’t charge us for lunch, like that was going to make everything all right! I told him I was going to sue them and the fortune cookie company for emotional distress. Joy still cries about how they ruined her parents’ anniversary. She was crying and we never even made it to the museum! We were so upset, we let Angela go stay with her grandparents for a few days. We both just stayed at home…In bed. Er, reading our Bibles. Yeah, our Bibles. That’s it.”

The case of Bryant v. Hung’s is expected to be settled out of court.