Marilyn Manson Threatens To Sue Denny’s Restaurants After They ‘Allowed’ Him To Be Assaulted While Dining There

Posted on April 15, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ALBERTA, BC, Canada –

Marilyn Manson, the shock-rocker known for his outlandish stage shows and dark and brooding songs and lyrics, was recently assaulted at an Alberta, Canada Denny’s restaurant by another patron. According to reports from the assailant, Manson had made rude comments about the man’s girlfriend, and he punched him after Manson allegedly called her a ‘bitch.’ According to Manson’s management, that’s not how the altercation started.

Manson’s manager claims that Manson was posing for pictures in the restaurant after a late-night concert, when the assailant ‘came out of nowhere’ and punched him in the face. Police reports say that at least three people were involved in the incident, but no one was charged. Manson’s manager said that Manson plans on pressing charges against his attacker, but it appears now he is taking it further.

“I’m going to sue the shit out of that Denny’s,” said Manson during a morning radio interview in Alberta. “If I had been anywhere else, like a hotel or a private club, and someone tried to swing on me, security would have stepped in and beat his ass. At Denny’s, they’re too busy fucking up the drunk at the next table’s order of Moons Over My Hammy and refilling my shitty coffee to worry about stopping a famous celebrity from getting punched in the face. It’s ridiculous.”

Manson was reportedly not seriously injured in the altercation, but is seeking heavy damages.

“Damn right they deserve to pay, I could have been seriously hurt or killed. I’m not as young and spry as I used to be, and I bruise easily in my old age. The guy who hit me, he’ll get his turn in court, too, but Denny’s – I’m coming for you, and all your breakfast money.”

A spokesperson for Denny’s corporate attorneys, George Omlet and Richard Egg, could not be reached for comment. Lawyers for Manson say they think he has a “strong case.”

Robin Thicke and Pharrell Among Thousands of Artists Under Fire for ‘Similar Sounding’ Songs

Posted on March 13, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Pop artists beware! After a landmark ruling went against Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams for making music that sounded vaguely similar to any number of Marvin Gaye songs, thousands of other commercial musicians are under the threat of similar lawsuits. Gaye’s family brought the copyright suit against Thicke and Williams for their track “Blurred Lines,” which the artists say was going for a 70s/80s sound.

The ruling is cause for concern among the commercial music market as, according to Warner Music CEO Stephen Cooper, “all pop music sounds somewhat alike. Nothing completely new has been made in the pop industry for decades. There’s a simple reason for it – certain sounds are what people like, and most of those sounds have already been done at some point since recording music became possible.”

Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars are particularly worried about the verdict. Their massive hit “Uptown Funk” draws heavily on funk music, and any number of the genre’s artists could claim that it sounds sort of similar.

“We were just trying to make a cool song,” said Ronson. “And yes, it didn’t come entirely from a background of knowing absolutely no music that could possibly sound similar to a funk rhythm with repetitive lyrics. But we’re not nearly talented enough for that. Pharrell? He’s even further away from that talent.”

Record companies are already dropping some of the biggest artists of our day. Iggy Azalea has been dropped from her label, for sounding “too much like some black rapper.” Beyonce has been dropped for sounding “similar in some songs to Janet Jackson.” Jay-Z has been dropped for sounding like Kanye West sometimes. Kanye West has been dropped for sounding like Jay-Z on occasion. And everyone else has been dropped after it was noticed that most of them had drawn on influences from The Beatles, and The Rolling Stones, and other iconic bands.

Nickleback is apparently next in line for court action, as they sound almost exactly like Nickleback did in 1999.

Lawsuit Filed Against Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian By Small-Bottomed Women

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

The nation’s small butts have finally gotten together to file a class-action suit against Nicki Minaj and Kim Kardashian, along with other big-bootied celebrities. The lawsuit has been a long time coming, with small butts having voiced numerous complaints about their treatment in recent media.

“What Minaj and Kardashian and their ilk have done to us is nothing short of defamation,” said leader of the Big Butt Coalition, Sonny Peru. “We used to be proud of our size, even when Sir Mix-A-Lot couldn’t lie to us about liking big butts. That was all in good fun. But Minaj’s assertion that her ‘anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun,’ maligns us, turning us into a laughing stock. We’re the butt of everyone’s jokes,” he added, and laughed awkwardly at his cheesy quip.

Other body part groups have hailed the action as a possible landmark move, stating that if the small butts win their suit, it will pave the way for their own future actions.

“We’ve been struggling under the pressure of our bigger counterparts for decades now, maybe centuries,” stated head of the Small Breasts League, Melissa Jacobson. “Big butts have got it together better than we do, and their action has been relatively swift. It will serve as an inspiration for the small boob community to pool our resources. We’re generally self-sufficient – we don’t need much support, you know – but if we work together we too can make our mark on society.”

Legal experts are divided on the predicted outcome of the lawsuit.

“I think they’ll win,” said our own correspondent, Nick Haymaker. “After all, there are still plenty of men and women out there who love the small booty.”

Donny Hubert of CNN, however, disagreed.

“Big butts are in, and that’s just the way it is. Nicki Minaj and the like are simply a sign of what the public wants. Anacondas need their homes, ya dig?”

Man Files $100,000 Lawsuit Against Friend For Sending Annoying Game Requests On Facebook

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

Are you a victim of constant harassment from friends or family on Facebook who selfishly invite you to play all the ridiculous games, just so they get an extra chance at unlocking some extra ‘thing’ in their own game? Well, 34-year-old Jeremy Lakewood of Columbus, Ohio, has had enough – and he and his lawyer are out to prove a point and send a clear and unmistakable message. Lakewood has reportedly filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a friend who keeps sending him game requests to play Candy Crush.

Lakewood, a painter who lives in a modest one bedroom apartment on the outskirts of downtown Columbus, admits that he does not want to disable apps on the social media network because of a crazed addiction he himself has to the game Trivia Crack, but says his friends should at least show the common courtesy to ask first through a personal message.

“The way I see it, everybody is playing these games on Facebook that have no end, the game can’t be beat, there is no damn ending, there is no winner! At least with Trivia Crack, it’s one-on-one and I can prove I am smarter than whatever friend I am playing against,” Lakewood said.

A frustrated Lakewood called around town in search of a lawyer who would help him “go after” Evan Ransdale, a good friend and former bandmate of his who keeps sending Candy Crush requests. It did not take long. Lakewood has enlisted the help of Bob “The Hammer” Dixon, an up-and-coming lawyer in the Columbus area who shares Lakewood’s frustration.

“I can relate with my client; I too am sick of getting all these game requests just because I play Words With Friends. We intend to win and make a difference,” said Dixon. “My client has consistently been a good friend to Mr. Ransdale, and he stabbed him in the back with harassment of game requests. This must and will end!”

A call for comment from Ransdale was not immediately returned.

Somali Pirate Sues Sony Pictures For Cut Of Profits From ‘Captain Phillips’

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The ACLU representing a Somali pirate filed a lawsuit today against Sony Pictures, claiming that their client, Abduwali Muse, never gave his permission for his story to be told in movie, and has never received compensation. Captain Phillips was Sony Pictures 2013 hit, grossing over $218 billion worldwide.

“How can the American Civil Liberties Union represent a Somali pirate, you ask? The answer is easy – he is being held in a U.S. prison,” said ACLU Lawyer Adam Aarons. “Mr Abduwali Muse, who the story ‘Captain Phillips’ is based on, is serving a 33 year sentence here in the United States. I’ve taken this case on because my client has not seen one dime of the profits of a movie which essentially tells his life story. Corporations need to be taught you can not walk all over the little people. We are asking for $100 million dollars, which upon winning, the ACLU will hold for Muse until he is done serving his 33 year sentence – minus our large cut, of course.”

“The ACLU won’t be happy until they destroy America,” said radio personality Rush Limbaugh. ”They take on the most stupid, inane cases possible. The will do anything for a buck, but this is their lowest moment, representing a murderous pirate against a film studio that, frankly, has had to endure enough these last few months.”

Sony has recently dealt with controversy of their own, after hacked emails leaked detailing sensitive conversations between executives, as well as a threat against the United States being lobbied by North Korea over the studio’s film The Interview.

“I’m not sure who the ACLU is, really. I only signed the papers because they promised me money in my commissary to buy candy bars and gum,” said Abduwali Muse from inside his prison cell. ”I don’t want to upset anyone, I’m in jail because I’ve done horrible things. I feel guilty because they treat me so well – American Jail is nicer than my village. If you see the ACLU tell them I’m waiting for my candy.”

D’Angelo Fans Upset Performer is Not Shirtless During Live Shows, Threaten Lawsuit

Posted on February 14, 2015 by ZGHarris

CINCINNATI, Ohio –

In the midst of his world tour to promote his newest album, Black Messiah, performer D’Angelo has faced a surprising backlash from some fans. During his tour, the singer/songwriter has worn mesh tops, social-political messages scrawled across t-shirts, and ruffled tops. But the on thing he has not done is gone shirtless, and this has seemed to upset some of his most loyal fans.

“I didn’t come to a show for music alone,” Says Raykeesha Johnson of Cincinnati, Ohio. “I’ve been waiting a long time for D’Angelo to come back around. I was fixen to throw my unmentionables the moment he took his shirt off. But he went the whole show with a top on!”

D’Angelo made waves with his music video “Untitled (How Does it Feel)” off his album Voodoo in 2000. The video had D’Angelo standing naked with an all-black background, singing his song. The video was an unbridled success, but came with a price. From that point on, D’Angelo felt he was an object of desire, and his music came second.

“My songs started being drown out by women screaming for me to take my clothes off. After a while I started to just stand on stage with no shirt just to get it out of the way. That didn’t help either. They always wanted more.”

The artist then went into hiding for over a decade after Voodoo, working on producing music for others rather than make his own. In late 2014, D’Angelo reemerged and released Black Messiah. The album has been a successful return to form for the artist, but the struggles on stage have returned just as quickly.

“I just want some of that gorgeous man,” said enthused fan, Regina Hamilton. “I became a woman to Voodoo. And now I’m ready to get my groove back with Black Messiah, child. I can’t have him wearing no shirts on stage. I paid good money to see that man’s body. If I don’t get it, I’m going to sue the hell out of his entertainment company, producer, booker – anyone I can until I see that him without his clothes.”

“I was hoping a little weight gain and time would have removed their interest,” said D’Angelo. Who has already had to stop three shows short due to fan interruptions. One show included a shower of boos and jeers until he took his shirt and scarf. “But ticket sales are down because fans are warning I’m not performing shirtless. I guess there’s just no running from it. We’re looking to change some of the dynamics of the show to fit fans’ needs.”

The dynamics D’Angelo mentioned include a two-story picture of him standing naked, as well as a hologram that will strip on stage during his shows. There is also an industrial size vacuum being used to collect undergarments thrown on stage by fans.

Survivor of Shark Attack to Sue Katy Perry for ‘Insensitive’ Super Bowl Halftime Performance

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Katy Perry’s Super Bowl halftime show on the 1st of February was the most watched performance in the event’s history, garnering over 118 million views. The acclaimed production included a giant mechanical lion, anthropomorphic beach balls and palm trees, fireworks, and cameos from Missy Elliott and Lenny Kravitz.

Perhaps the strangest appearance, however, was that of cute dancing sharks, and it’s this support act that has landed Perry in some legal in hot water. Joe Lyons, a survivor of a January shark attack in which the his entire close and extended family was brutally torn apart, is suing the pop-star for her insensitive use of the killer creatures.

“Joe is bewildered by Perry’s thoughtlessness,” wrote Lyons’ lawyer Harry Bedford in a press release. “He’s a longtime fan of her’s, and is especially hurt after being betrayed by someone he admires. No money is being requested; just a public apology and all recordings of the show to be removed from YouTube and any other online platforms.”

A source close to the victim confirmed Lyon’s sentiments.

“Katy has been important to Joe since I Kissed A Girl basically won him his now brutally killed wife, Carol,” explained the friend. “He wore cherry chapstick on their first date, seeing as that was what girls like Perry apparently like, and it totally worked. That’s why it’s so devastating that she could thoughtlessly defile the memory of the deceased.”

Legal expert Lucy Janet believes that Lyons has a strong case.

“Can you imagine the outcry if Osama Bin Laden had been one of her backup dancers? Families of the victims of 9/11 would come out in droves. What about if Hurricane Katrina had accompanied her? That certainly would have been politically and humanly insensitive. It’s best if she just recognizes the consequences of her actions and can put the whole thing behind her – far enough behind her this time that they can’t be seen on the stage.”

Man Files $2 Million Lawsuit Against NYPD Officers Who Stopped Him From Jumping Off Brooklyn Bridge

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Theodore Rigsby, 35, of Long Island, New York is suing the New York Police Department for $2 million, claiming mental anguish, wrongful life, and failure to be allowed to die freely.

On the evening of December 21, 2014, a woman called 9-1-1 saying that a man was standing on the railing of the historic Brooklyn Bridge, threatening to commit suicide. When officers arrived on the scene, they found Rigsby, who refused to be talked down by the officers. Officers Garret Miguel Cruz and Carmine Seinfeld sprung into quick action, leaping for the man and pulling him down off the railing and transported him to the 33rd precinct headquarters in Brooklyn. Rigsby then spent two weeks under constant mental evaluation at the Cloverleaf Mental Health Services hospital, and was then released.

Earlier this week, Rigsby hired a lawyer, Arnold C. Jacobson, and filed the wrongful life lawsuit against the NYPD. Jacobson said in a WNYC interview that his client was not treated fairly. “Mr. Rigsby and the great city of New York were dealt an unfair hand of ill-advised justice when officers prevented him from jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge,” Jacobson said. “My client was viciously attacked and manhandled as he was yanked off the railing. He suffered several bruises to the upper arm and now lives in a state of depression.”

Witnesses on the scene say they were greatly disapointed when the officers kept Rigsby from jumping, such as Leo Mansetti, 32, of Brooklyn, “Man, I was bored to tears and stuck in traffic, and then I pulled up next to this scene. A bunch of us were honking and cheering the guy on telling him to take one for the team and stuff like that ya know? Then the cops came and messed it all up. It sucked. But what else is new? That’s how the cops are here. Welcome to New York,” Mansetti scoffed.

Joan Rivers’ Estate to Sue Negligent Doctors for ‘Outrageous Fashion Choices’ During Comedian’s Final Hours

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The doctors who were treating comedian Joan Rivers before her sudden death in September of last year, have faced another major blow. Melissa, the daughter of the 81-year-old Hollywood star, has filed another lawsuit – this time over claims of negligence in their fashion choices during the procedure that led to her mother’s death.

“It’s outrageous,” Melissa Rivers is quoted as saying. “They wore these hideous matching blue outfits that weren’t even tailored to their specific builds. The shirts were baggy – which is fine if you’re hiding a big belly, but the skinny ones should really have been wearing something tighter. Something that would flatter them.”

It is understood that one of the doctors took a selfie with the unconscious performer, adding fuel to the already raging fire. The leaked image showed the host of Fashion Police in an even uglier get-up – apparently chosen by the very same hospital staff.

“That bandage is really sloppily tied around her head,” said former co-host, Giuliana Rancic. “It’s asymmetrical, and not in a good way. And the color! Any idiot knows that a white bandage cannot go with her already washed-out complexion.”

Advocate Kevin Doleman, who is representing the interests of the deceased and her daugher, stated that he thinks they have a strong case.

“We’re gonna win this,” he confidently said to reporters at a press conference on Wednesday. “There’s enough evidence that negligence led to these choices, and not medical complications as staff at the hospital have claimed. Did you see the masks they were wearing? It was like some sort of freakshow.”

Doctor Lawrence Cohen, the taker of the now infamous selfie, could not be reached for comment, but a source close to him said that Cohen was “devastated” by the accusations.

“It’s not like him,” the anonymous source said. “He’s a big fan of Joan’s, and always worked hard to meet her high standards. A scandal like this – now no one’s going to take his fashion choices seriously.”

Man Who had Birthday During Facebook Outage Wins Thousands of ‘Likes’ in Lawsuit

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MENLO PARK, California –

Tuesday’s Facebook outage was tough for its hundreds of millions of users around the globe, but for Detroit resident Peter Ferguson, it took more of a toll – at least according to the judge that awarded him thousands of ‘Likes’ in a groundbreaking lawsuit.

Ferguson, whose birthday was on the day of the outage, sued the social media giant, claiming that they’d ruined the only day on which his life seemed to matter to the outside world.

“I know it’s not all that it’s made out to be,” he told reporters. “I know that most people don’t even visit my profile to send their messages, and that some of them don’t even remember who I am. But that’s all I got. At least they’re getting that little red notification that puts me momentarily at the center of their attention. That’s all a guy like me could ask for.”

The court agreed, ordering Facebook to grant at least ten thousand ‘Likes’ to Ferguson’s next post – whether it’s a warped political opinion, or a video homage to his pet cat, Brock. They further ordered Facebook CEO and owner, Mark Zuckerberg, to personally comment on every status or shared media that the broken man posts over the next month, making up for the ruination of what was meant to be a very special birthday.

Legal experts around the world hailed the outcome as a victory for the common man against growing tech corporations.

“More and more, we’re seeing these companies taking advantage of the average citizen’s personal life,” said advocate Jerry Greenfield, talking on Fox News and Friends. “They think there’ll be no consequences to a move like this, taking away our most poignant means of connection. But now they know what happens when I don’t get to show off dinner to those undomesticated Philistines I call my friends.”

In response to the legal debacle, Facebook posted an update to its terms of use, stating that unplanned downtime will now be considered a feature, rather than an inconvenience – adding the thrill of uncertainty to its usually flawless usage. At the time of writing, Facebook executives reported that so far 73% of users have agreed to the new conditions without reading them.