Seagull Bites Off Man’s Finger After Eating Bag of Cheetos

Posted on March 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Maine –

Brayton Ruddick intends filing a lawsuit against the parent company of Cheetos, Frito-Lay, after losing his finger to a seagull. He was leaving a gas station when he was attacked. Ruddick had been eating a Cheetos, and his fingers were covered with the orange powder, which birds find irresistible.

The bird bit off the tip of his pointer finger and then descended upon the bag he had dropped.

Ruddick says he is very traumatized, as doctors have told him he may never play video games at the same level as before.

“I did not realize the risk I was taking by eating Cheetos. There really should be some kind of warning on the bag. There’s always birds out there circling the dumpsters. If I had known they find Cheetos as addictive as I do, I would have re-thought my snacking decision. My lawyer thinks we have a good case. I met him online in a Call of Duty match. He dominated the entire team, so I think he knows his stuff in court, too.”

Rapist Sues Woman He Assaulted After Learning She Gave Him HIV

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

John Ryan, 32, is suing Felicia Jones, 26, after contracting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in a sexual encounter. Ryan says that although he was raping Jones at the time, she should have informed him that she had the virus, and because she didn’t, he is entitled to “everything she has.”

“Just because I grabbed her off the running path in the park, took her into the woods, and raped her, doesn’t mean that she has the right to hide her disease from me,” said Ryan, who has been arrested for sexual assault in the past, although the charges were later dropped. “Because she didn’t say anything, I now have HIV, and my life is essentially ruined.”

The law in most states, including California, says that if you are a carrier of HIV or AIDs, you must inform all sexual partners beforehand, or face possible arrest and prosecution for manslaughter.

“Ms. Jones was fully able to explain to me that she had the disease, as I did not cover her mouth like I’ve done to other women in the past,” said Ryan. “I may have decked her in the mouth a few times, but a little blood is not stopping her from saying ‘hold on a minute, I have HIV.'”

Jones says that she was terrified in the situation, and that her condition was not at the forefront of her mind.

“That bastard was raping me, and telling him that I was sick probably wouldn’t have stopped him anyway,” said Jones. “I was scared, and I thought he might kill me. That’s what I was thinking about. My lawyer has advised me not to say that I think he deserves what he got, but let me just say that I’m certainly not sorry.”

Jones contracted the virus two years ago during a blood transfusion after a bad car accident.

Snake Bites Boy At Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ORLANDO, Florida –

A family from Alabama plans to sue Disney World after they said an escaped snake at Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom dropped from a tree and bit their young child. The family’s attorney, Matt Morgan, said Thursday that the boy’s grandmother saw the snake bite him, went into cardiac arrest from fright, and died soon after. They boy was treated with a band-aid and continued to enjoy the park after the incident.

While the family mourns her death, they say they will remember Grandma’s sacrifice as they spend the money they will receive from this lawsuit. “She would have said, ‘I’m old. I lived my life. Let God take me if it means my family can go on more memorable vacations.’ Next time we won’t be going anywhere with snakes though,” said one of the family members. The names are not being released at this time.

Disney says the snake was wild and not part of their attraction. Attorney Jeff Kendell plans to represent the snake, who did not intend to harm the boy. “The snake was nonvenomous, so it did not plan to hurt anyone. It was merely speaking out about the destruction of its wild habitat for a tourist destination in the only way it knew how.”

Ice-T Trademarks Name, Sues Snapple and Arizona Over Infringement

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Rapper and actor Ice-T has reportedly trademarked his moniker with the intention of suing major companies who infringe upon the mark with their products. Ice-T, whose real name is Tracy Marrow, says that he has been referring to himself after the tasty summer beverage longer than many companies have been selling the drink.

“Ice-T, Ice Tea, Iced Tea – it doesn’t matter what you call it or how you spell it, the name is the same, and these companies are infringing on my mark,” said the entertainer, who is perhaps best known for his song “Cop Killer” and for playing a police detective on TV on Law and Order: SVU. “I don’t really need the money, but I also don’t want companies shilling a product that I haven’t put my stamp on. Frankly, I don’t like iced tea that much, and I’d rather them call it something else.”

T has reportedly met with lawyers for companies such as Snapple and Arizona in hopes that a settlement can be reached without going to court.

“I don’t want these companies to go out of business or anything, I just want them to change the name of the product to something else, and let me be the only T, or tea, that’s around,” said Ice-T. “I’ve made a few suggestions, such as ‘sugary shit’ and ‘lemony liquid’ that they could go by, either of which I think would easily catch on with people who like to drink that stuff.”

Representatives for Snapple could not be reached for comment.

Lindsay Lohan Sues Doctor After Botched Plastic Surgery

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Representatives for Lindsay Lohan say that the star is planning a lawsuit against her former plastic surgeon, who reportedly botched her most recent “lip stretching” surgery, causing her face to be a wide open hole.

“Ms. Lohan request that her lips and mouth be slightly stretched, and the doctor presumably thought she wanted her face to be a gaping hole, or at the very least, that was the end result,” said Lohan’s publicist. “We are seeking legal action against her former surgeon, Dr. Larry Clarke, immediately.”

According to Dr. Clarke, though, he isn’t worried.

“Lindsay has had work done by me several times, including her eyes, breasts, and buttocks, and she was always happy with the result,” said Dr. Clarke. “Then she comes to me recently and says, ‘Doc, make my lips up here look like my lips down there,’ and points to her crotch. So, I did my best to make sure her face lips were as wide apart as her vaginal lips. I think it was a job well done.”

Lawyers for Lohan are reportedly being obtained, with a suit expected to be filed next week.

Caitlyn Jenner Sues Family Of Woman She Killed In Car Accident

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MALIBU, California –

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly suing the family members of a woman she killed in a car accident earlier this year. After receiving a lawsuit from the family against her for wrongful death, Jenner said that she decided to sue the family as well.

“There was substantial damage to my car that was not covered by insurance,” said Jenner. “Someone needs to pay for that, and it shouldn’t have to be me. I’ve suffered enough, what with killing someone and all. The blood that was on the car took Jose, one of my employees, over 6 hours to scrub off. It was disgusting, and he should be heavily compensated for his time.”

Jenner maintains that the accident, which killed 69-year-old Kim Howe, was not her fault.

“I mean, just because I wasn’t paying attention and someone got killed doesn’t mean that it’s my fault,” said Jenner. “Mrs. Howe was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and sometimes, people just die. That doesn’t mean that I need to go to jail, and it certainly doesn’t mean that her family can sue me without getting sued back.”

Jenner has filed a $1.9 million dollar lawsuit against the family for, among other things, car repair and defamation.

“They said that I killed her, and that I had no remorse,” said Jenner. “That’s just not true! I think it’s pretty much not okay to kill someone, but like I said, accidents happen. My heart goes out to them, but my lawyers are going out to them, too.”

Hydrox To Sue Oreo Over Copyright Infringement, Claims Company Copied Their Cookies

Posted on October 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Hydrox, the cookie company that’s flagship product is the black, chocolate cookie with the white creme center, was invented in 1908, and was originally made by the Sunshine Cookie Company. Almost 5 years later, in 1912, Oreo was invented, and despite ripping off Hydrox completely, the company went on to be the bigger seller, convincing the world that Hydrox was the “generic” or rip-off company.

Papers filed today in the Massachusetts courts prove that Hydrox is finally stepping up to the cookie plate, as it were, as they plan to sure the Oreo Cookie company for copyright infringement and design theft.

“Hydrox has been making our cookies since the dawn of the 20th century,” said Hydrox spokesman Roy Charles. “Oreo has as well, but we were still first. It’s taken us a long time to get to this point, but we just needed time to build our case. Now is the time.”

Charles says that Hydrox is prepared to sue Oreo for $4.5 million, which is equivalent to only one year’s grosses of Oreo’s cookie empire.

“They have had over 100 years worth of sales, and every one of those hundred years, we took a beating,” said Charles. “We feel it’s time that Oreo put on their big-boy pants, pour a tall glass of milk, and admit they stole our cookie. The world needs to know that we were first and, frankly, we’re the better cookie.”

Representatives for Oreo could not be reached for comment.

Teen Sues Parents For Grounding Him, Making Him Miss Concert Of Favorite Band

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DULUTH, Minnesota –

A Duluth teen has reportedly brought a $150,000 lawsuit against his parents for grounding him 3 weeks ago, forcing him to miss his favorite band as they made an appearance at a local venue.

Aiden Moore, 17, is suing his parents, Jacob and Rebecca, saying that if he hadn’t been grounded, then he could have gone to see his favorite band, Eyeliner Fiasco, and that all of his friends wouldn’t be bullying him for missing it.

“Everyone in my group, they can’t believe that I didn’t make it to the Fiasco show,” said Aiden. “They’re standing in the halls at school in their skinny jeans, their black make-up, and their hot pink hair, and they’re making fun of me, calling me ‘fag’ and stuff. It’s not right.”

Aiden claims that he was the one in his group of friends that got everyone into Eyeliner Fiasco in the first place, and that his parents have caused “irreparable harm” to his status at school by grounding him, and not allowing him to go to the concert.

“We didn’t let him go because we caught him stealing his little sister’s makeup again, and he was grounded for the weekend,” said Aiden’s mother, Rebecca Moore. “We don’t take grounding lightly in this house, and he knew the rules and broke them. We weren’t just going to ground him, then let him go to the concert anyway.”

The lawsuit was filed on behalf of Aiden by the ACLU, the American Children Loser’s Union, who help morons, losers, and emo kids to sue their parents when their own behavior causes conflict.

Boy Expelled For Playing ‘Death Of Jesus’ During School Recess, Crucifying Other Students

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PLAINVIEW, Texas –

A Plainview boy was expelled from school this week after he was caught ‘crucifying’ other students during recess. According to school officials, Jacob Smith, 9, was sent home with his parents after reports that he was tying other children to sticks he’d formed in the shape of a cross, and slapping them with branches or jump ropes.

“Jacob was caught whipping other students that he’d tied to a cross, and also spitting on them and calling them names,” said school administrator Mark Jones. “Apparently, this is a game that Jacob had convinced many students to play over the last several weeks, telling them that it was ‘fun,’ and that if they didn’t play with him, they would go to hell.”

Jacob’s parents say that he is a very bright boy, and that he was just acting out the things he’d learned.

“We read the bible every day at home, and we recently learned about the crucifixion of Christ,” said Jacob’s mother, Mary. “Jacob was very excited to learn about the death of Christ, and we encouraged him to talk to play and talk with his friends. If this is what he wanted to do to explore what our Lord and Savior went through, then we stand behind him 100%.”

School officials say that several of the children received rope burns and lash marks across their bodies, and that many parents are threatening to sue Jacob’s family.

“This is why we shouldn’t have religion, and this is why it definitely shouldn’t be taught to children,” said Phil Brewer, whose son, Mike, was whipped with a jump rope for over 20 minutes before being untied. “Christ isn’t real, the Bible is just stories made up for insecure, mindless idiots. Obviously these people need to do something about their hellion of a son before he starts skinning people and wearing their flesh or something. It’s disgusting what religion has done to him…to everyone, really.”

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Incites Riots, $250k Damage

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEACONSFIELD, Iowa –

A small town in Iowa has completely banned all music from being played within city limits after a punk rock music concert caused over $250,000 in damage to local businesses.

According to police chief Mario Fellows, a punk rock music concert was booked at the Beaconsfield American Legion, featuring an underground band called ‘CarcinomaSnail’ as the headliner. The band, who are known for their intense live shows which feature songs about death, murder, and misogyny, filled the town – which normally only has 150 permanent residents – with over 500 punk and rock music fans from the surrounding area, most of whom were reportedly rowdy, drunk, and violent.

“We ended up having about 47 arrests the night of the concert,” said Officer Fellows. “The show ended and the kids, they just went out and basically rioted. They overturned cars, destroyed windows of buildings and stores, set fires, and held up a liquor-slash-convienience store for the entire day’s take – $11.48.”

Fellows said that the show’s promoters, a small group called WeRockU out of Des Moines, had gained permission from the local American Legion to hold the show there after they were not able to secure a venue in a bigger area.

“We lost the lease at our normal venue, because Des Moines kids were always having fights or passing out drunk or nodding off, whatever,” said WeRockU’s Matt Briggs. “So we set up the show in Beaconsfield, where we figured no one would give a shit what we did. Turns out, the kids from Des Moines who just go to any punk show they can, they came out here, and yeah, guess we had some similar issues. But, man, whatever. Punk-fucking-rock, right, bros?”

The town is suing WeRockU for breach of contract, which stated that no damage would happen to the Legion building, or the surrounding town. WeRockU has filed a countersuit, claiming that the Legion did not provide adequate parking as was stated in the original agreement.

Officer Fellows says that the headlining act was not held responsible or charged with inciting a riot.

“As it turns out, they’re actually really nice people,” said Officer Fellows. “They play some angry music from what I could hear while I was outside the building, but they were just sweet, nice folks who played their music, and left peacefully to head to their next gig. Everything happened after they had left. They’re fine guys and gals who I hope make it very big and have lots of success.”

The town decided to ban all music, live or recorded, in hopes that no one ever has the intention of bringing a rock show to their town in the future. A new sign has been posted on each end of the one-road town stating “Welcome To Beaconsfield – Throw Out Your Records.”