Morgue Delivers Living Baby From Pregnant Corpse

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FREEDOM, New Hampshire –

A woman who died in a car accident last week in New Hampshire gave funeral directors at a local morgue quite a scare this morning, after the staff discovered that the woman’s baby, who was thought to have also died in the crash, was still alive. The mortician, Brian Warner, and his assistant, Carlie Neil, were able to successfully remove the baby from its mother, and the newborn is said to be in fair condition at Freedom Memorial Hospital.

“Craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Warner of the incident. “The woman, I won’t say her name out of respect for the deceased, but the woman was brought in a few days ago, and she was a wreck. Just awful. Accident nearly tore her face clean off. You ever seen someone whose face was ripped from their body? Of course you haven’t. I’ve seen worse in my day thanks to that Vietnam Conflict, but not by much.”

“I was just prepping her for embalming, when I noticed that there was something moving under the skin of her stomach,” said Neil. “I honestly thought it could be some sort of parasite. Turns out I was close – it was her baby. Since she was dead already, we didn’t bother with any formalities – we just cut into her and pulled the baby right out. He was pretty lethargic when we pulled him out, but I’d seen enough movies and TV to know one quick smack on the ass would fix him up, and it worked. He took a breath, and he never stopped crying after that.”

Doctors say that for the woman’s baby to have survived 6 days inside of her after she had died is nothing short of miraculous.

“Babies feed off what their mother’s eat and drink – they really are like a little parasite growing inside. A person can’t normally go that long without food or water, and a growing baby needs the nutrition even more. The fact that he made it out alive, I can’t believe it. It’s highly possible that he’s the reincarnated Baby Jesus or something. I don’t know, I’m just a doctor, what do I know? I have to say, though, that this whole situation is a medical marvel.”

Woman Murdered After Sending Repeated FarmVille Invitations Via Facebook

Posted on August 31, 2014 by JP

CRANTSTON, Rhode Island –

Maria Boyland, Age 48, was found dead in her home early this past Monday morning. A local to Cranston, Rhode Island, Boyland lived there her entire life, but neighbors claim she didn’t have many friends.

Boyland was found when a mailman happened to look through the window of her home as he delivered mail, and noticed she was lying on the floor covered with blood. Police arrived on the scene and discovered her body had been stabbed over 18 times, with most of the knife wounds to the stomach and back.

As Boyland was not know to leave her apartment often, and had few contacts outside her family, the trail to find the killer was almost immediately cold, until police were able to get onto Boyland’s Facebook page and review her notifications and messages. As is common with most people her age, police noticed that she mainly had notifications for playing Facebook games, namely Candy Crush, Farmville, and Bejeweled.

When officers reviewed her messages, the case almost began to solve itself. A message was sent to Boyland three days before her murder from a man who lived approximately 14 hours away from in Virginia. The messages were extremely violent and disturbing in nature, including the one that said “Send me one more game invite to FarmVille and I’ll stab you 18 times, b—-!”

Apparently, Boyland didn’t take the warning seriously, and police assume that either Boyland purposely sent, or Farmville automatically sent, the man another game request. His final message simply said “Now you’ve done it.”

After trying to reach the suspect via internet and coming up short, police eventually called a local Sheriff’s Office in his area and had the man arrested. When asked why he drove 14 hours to kill Boyland he responded “I warned her, and having her blow up my Facebook with game invites was annoying.” When told he could have simply blocked the game invites, the anonymous man simply said “Oh. Yeah, I suppose that would have worked, too.”

The arresting officer, patrolman Joe Goldsmith, said that this is the kind of case he never thought he would see in his career.

“I can understand how annoying it is when people send game requests, being a Facebook user myself. But, I urge anyone that gets annoyed by stupid game invites and requests that you simply un-friend the person sending them, because it is a lot easier, faster, and much less illegal than murder.”

Waitress Arrested After Throwing Plate, Hitting Toddler In The Face

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

An unnamed 20-month-old was rushed to the hospital after taking a flying dinner plate to the face at a Rhode Island Applebee’s restaurant. According to witnesses, while busing a table, server Caitlin Jones, 22, was having a loud, heated argument with another server, she flung out her hand, throwing a plate down the aisle of customers. The dirty dish struck a young toddler, who was sitting in a booster seat at the end of a table, in the side of the face.

“It was horrible. I saw the plate come flying out of her hand like a Frisbee. It hit that poor baby, and there was this awful pause before she starting wailing,” said Shaniqua Jones, a patron who was seated in the next booth. “Poor little child, blood was running down her face and getting into her macaroni and cheese. The waitress looked horrified. She started crying and apologizing right away. I don’t think she meant to hit that baby, but it was her fault completely. The force she threw that plate with was like an Olympic discus champion. It was insane.”

Police were called, and Jones was arrested for criminal negligence and assault. She was released on $4,000 bail later that day. Jones insists it was ‘an accident,’ and that she didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

“It just slipped out of my hand, honest,” said Jones. “I didn’t chuck the plate at the baby. I was just mad at Denise because she has been talking s— about me behind my back at work, and we were arguing, and I just got so upset I whipped the plate, not even thinking.”

This isn’t the first time toddlers have been endangered at Applebee’s. In 2011, a mislabeled container caused a mix-up that led to a toddler being served alcohol instead of apple juice.

“Except for delicious family dining, no incidents have occurred at any Applebee’s establishment since the unfortunate booze/bottle mishap. At that time, we took additional measures to ensure the safety of our guests. Sadly, this type of horrible accident, regarding the baby being struck with a plate, is not something we could foresee,” said Johnathan Applebee, founder of Applebee’s restaurants. “We have started production on a training video, though, to educate our servers about the risks of negligent plate-throwing, and the dangers it can present. Unless guests want us to switch to paper plates, I think that’s the best can we do right now.”

The parents of the toddler say they do not blame, nor have any plans to sue the restaurant chain itself, but are possibly seeking damages from Jones for hospital bills for their baby. Regardless of pending civil action, they say they do plan to make sure that Jones is held responsible for her actions.

“That girl, she needs some serious help. Who throws a plate, honestly?” said the mother of the young child, who wishes to remain anonymous pending the possible civil action against Jones. “She’s very, very lucky that my daughter is going to be okay. She’s also very, very lucky I didn’t knock her out right there in the restaurant.”

“I am horribly sorry for what happened, and it isn’t the restaurant’s fault at all,” said Jones. “I know it was me. I maybe, sorta was drinking a lot the night before, and I was just in a bad mood. Frankly, life as a waitress is a living hell, you know? Trying to pretend to be happy all day when you’re serving microwaved steak that tastes a little too much like ass sweat? Ugh, it’s a real chore being me, you don’t even know.”

Applebee’s restaurants deny all culpability for the incident, and immediately fired Jones. The chain still hopes to “See You Tomorrow.”

Tennessee Woman Sues Her Husband For Getting Her Pregnant

Posted on July 31, 2014 by JP

JACKSON, Tennessee –

A trial is set for a new lawsuit filed last week after a wife decided to sue her husband of 15 years after he got her pregnant. Tracy Smith, a resident of Jackson, is taking her husband Carl to court after he accidentally got her pregnant. The case is not about rape, but rather an alleged action of ‘personal neglect,’ after Smith’s husband promised not to get her pregnant.

“He told me he wouldn’t get me pregnant, but here we are and I’m pissed,” said Smith. “I love the man to death, but this is serious neglect on his part, and he will pay for what he has done to me!”

The lawsuit was filed on Tuesday, but Smith’s husband and his lawyer don’t think that the judge will take this case too seriously.

“This is a very strange case, and to be honest my client shouldn’t be fined or charged for something some people would kill for,” said Harvey Feinstein, the defendant’s lawyer. “It takes at least two people to perform intercourse, and each party should be responsible for their safety and well-being. If Mrs. Smith didn’t want to get pregnant, there were many ways that she could have taken her own precautions against it. Relying solely on her husband to wear a condom or to pull-out is just ridiculous.”

Attorneys for both sides are set to make their opening arguments to the judge on August 5th. Mrs. Smith is seeking damages in the amount of $25,000, and if she wins her case, the money cannot come from their joint account.

Carl Smith has denied to comment on what he calls ‘the stupidest thing that’s happened to him since he got married in the first place.’

Pittsburgh Steelers Give Tryout To First Female Player

Posted on July 28, 2014 by L.J. Mainville Jr.

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

It used to be that women in the NFL were cheerleaders. Until recently, there has been a few novelty football leagues such as the Women’s Lingerie Football League (LFL) or the Independent Women’s Football League (IWFL); however, much like Women’s Basketball there is not much of an audience for these games. Other than the occasional “wardrobe malfunction” with the LFL, there really is not much excitement to these games.

With the recent ‘War on Women’ in the political arena, the NFL has decided to take a serious request in considering allowing female players in the NFL, when a request from 24-year-old Kaitlyn Saunders of Erie, PA arrived at St. Vincent College in Latrobe Pennsylvania requesting to try out as a kicker.

“I felt bad, but I told her this was the practice field and we don’t hold walk-on tryouts,” said Dan Calbright, spokesman for the Steelers coaching staff.

Traveling with her father and brother, Kaitlyn made the three hour trek just for a chance to try on the Black and Gold.

“I played soccer for years and I can really put a good boot on the ball,” Kaitlyn said with a toothy smile.

“She’s got a real strong leg,” her brother, Todd Saunders reported. “We were goofin’ off and she actually made a 53 yard goal.” Kaitlyn’s father backed up the story and stated they had her do it several times just to make sure it wasn’t a fluke.

A spokesman for Roger Goodell, NFL commissioner, stated they would give consideration to Kaitlyn pending an evaluation from Pittsburgh’s special teams coach, Danny Smith. When word of Kaitlyn’s skills made it back to Art Rooney, she was invited back to the Steeler’s main practice facility on Pittsburgh’s south side where she met with Danny Smith and the rest of the special team coaches.

“She’s an outstanding kicker and clearly has a strong leg,” Dan Smith reported. “She made a 58-yard kick at our south side facility.” Kaitlyn was 12 for 16 on the day during her invitational workouts, missing two from 45 yards out that she simply didn’t get enough lift on. They were knocked down by a net that is set up for the drill to ensure proper height. Kaitlyn also missed one from 50 yards out and another from 40 yards away.

Coach Smith gave no indication as to whether or not they would recommend Kaitlyn for an actual combine try out, however Roger Goodell’s office is making the consideration a possibility. When asked about drafting such a player, Danny Smith said, “If she’s invited to the combine I’d give her some serious consideration.”

“I’m just hoping that I can open up a couple barriers for the NFL next season,” said Kaitlyn. “They’ve seen what I can do, and now we’ll play the waiting game.”

Move Over OctoMom: California Woman Pregnant With 10 Babies

Posted on July 25, 2014 by JP

SAN DIEGO, California –

Years ago a woman by the name of Nadya Denise Doud-Suleman shocked the world when she became pregnant with 8 children. The news of her pregnancy brought on a lot of attention, and people were in disbelief that something like that could actually happen to a human being.

With her pregnancy and birth of the children, fame hit for a solid 15 minutes for the nicknamed OctoMom as she had paparazzi following her around, deals with television networks, and even contract offers worth millions for an adult film.

Get ready to be shocked again, World, because after a recent ultrasound on a San Diego, California woman, doctors officially say that OctoMom’s record has been broken, as a patient at the San Diego Medical Center is pregnant with 10 babies.

Reports surfaced after a doctor confirmed that he has heard 10 separate heartbeats after a routine ultrasound. The mother has yet to be named per her request.

“It is an incredibly dangerous scenario this women is facing, and she isn’t taking the situation lightly” said Doctor Harold Reed, an obstetrician at San Diego Medical Center. “When first examining her I thought that the equipment I was using was faulty, but after several test and diagnoses, it is clear that she is pregnant with 10 babies.”

Doctor Reed went on to say that, unfortunately, the chances of all the children surviving and being born healthy are slim.

“Our patient is aware that this is a severely rare situation,” said Reed. “She is about 5 months along at this moment, and we have actually agreed to keep her here, under our watchful care, to try to best make sure that her babies can be born with the least amount of risk to both her health, and the health of her unborn children.”

Dr. Reed said that currently the woman is doing fine, and has been made very aware of her circumstances. She is due to give birth at the beginning of December.

Woman Gives Birth, Confuses Doctors By Asking For Maternity Test

Posted on June 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BILOXI, Mississippi –

A Biloxi woman gave birth to a baby boy late Friday evening, and confused doctors by immediately asking for a maternity test. Sarah Keller, 26, said that she didn’t believe that she was the mother of the baby, and wanted a maternity test to prove that she wasn’t.

“My boyfriend and I always use condoms, or he pulls out. There’s no way that I’m the mother.” said Keller. “I thought that Joe had been cheating on me, and now I can get all the proof I need.”

Keller said that her boyfriend, Joe Camden, also 26, and her had been together for 4 years and had never even had a pregnancy scare before she found out she was pregnant last November. When she got the news, Keller said she became enraged, and told Camden that she knew he had been sleeping around.

“I don’t know why she thinks I’ve been cheatin’.” Said Camden. “I’ve been as faithful to her as eggs are to chickens.”

Through an odd series of events, testing done by the hospital actually showed that Camden was not the father of the baby. When the hospital told her the news, Keller seemed confused.

“That’s not possible. He’s definitely the father.” Said Keller. “I screwed around with a few guys when Joe and I was on a little ‘break’ we took last year. But them guys weren’t my boyfriends, so they couldn’t have gotten me pregnant.”

Doctors calmly explained to Keller how reproduction worked, and that it was impossible that she wasn’t the mother. They then immediately contacted the Mississippi State Child Welfare Department. They also reached out to eight men who Keller reluctantly named as the ones she had been with while temporarily separated from Camden. They hope to discover true paternity in the next few weeks.