Law Firm With Unfortunate Name Declares Bankruptcy

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PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

What’s in a name?  Unfortunately for one Pittsburgh area law firm containing an unintentionally success-killing message, the answer is: everything.

The personal injury law firm of Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn, closed its doors last week and filed for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy after recent efforts to expand its client base fell short.

“I knew from the start that we shouldn’t have gone with alphabetical order,” said Patricia Bleedom, former partner in the recently shuttered law practice.  “Truth be told, we tried all kinds of naming combinations, but none of them seemed to work.  ‘Drye Rhunn’ was on the table for a bit, but with a name like that, it sounded like we weren’t ready to practice law, when in fact, we have over 45 years of combined experience!”

Partner Maxine Drye was the first to recommended a simple name change earlier this year when business began to taper off.  “I came up with ‘Rhunn Partners’ but decided it sounded too much like sportswear.  ‘The Drye Group’ was just, I don’t know – it just sounded sad.  ‘Bleedom Limited Partners’ made me think of a commuter rail line, or something surgical,” she recalled.  “We were going in circles.”

“We also considered ‘Rhunn Drye,’ she continued, “but that was like saying we couldn’t come up with any winning strategies for our clients.  ‘Drye Bleedom’ didn’t sound approachable enough.”

“There was way too much talk about renaming the firm,” said LaVerne Rhunn.  “We were wasting valuable time better spent chasing down accident victims and finding people who were maimed or injured on the job.  I guess all that stationery we ordered is going to be used for scrap,” she mused, packing the remaining contents of her desktop into a shoebox.  “We had a good run,” said Rhunn.

It’s not easy in the best of times to keep a business going,” commented Bleedom, “and with this economy, no matter how many clients you get who’ve suffered from medical side effects such as unwanted hair growth, impotence, insomnia, partial hearing loss, tinnitus, female ‘male pattern baldness,’ uncontrollable muscle movements, dropsy, temporary blindness, birth defects, itching, fever, rash, impotence, sneezing, congestion, wheezing, reverse asthma, high blood pressure, constipation and dry mouth, you reach a point where it’s just no fun anymore.”

So what’s next for Patty, Maxine, and LaVerne?

“We’ll probably do something together again, business-wise,” said Bleedom.  We work so well together.  The thing I’ll miss the most is the camaraderie – we had good harmony together.”

Drye looks forward to the change.  “I’m always up for new challenges,” she said.  And if these 2 gals over here want to try for something, I’m in!” she exclaimed, all smiles, with just a hint of sadness.

Rhunn was more philosophical about the turn of events.  “Maybe it’s time to take a little step back and reexamine things,” she said.  “I’ve always wanted to take up sculpting.  Maybe I’ll try that.  All I know is, when I’m through packing up, I’m going home, burying my head in a pint of Häagen-Dazs, turning off my phone, and catching up on my shows!”

Kotex And Google To Release New ‘Hands-Free’ Tampon

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IRVING, Texas – 

Kimberly-Clark, owner of the Kotex brand of feminine hygiene products, has teamed with the Google Corporation in developing the world’s first wirelessly controlled, hands-free tampon.

Marketed under the brand name “No Strings,” the tampon works in conjunction with an Android app that controls insertion and ejection when a numerical code is entered into a smartphone.

“It’s leading-edge technology,” says Florence Duval, marketing director for Kimberly-Clark.  “During Word War I, nurses on the battlefield used Kimberly-Clark’s cotton wadding in many innovative ways, and today, we’re once again revolutionizing the industry.”

How does it work?

“When it’s that time of the month,” explained Duval, “the user places one of our individually packaged, disposable applicators between the knees.  Each single-use applicator is imprinted with a 4-digit activation code.  When the code is entered into your smartphone’s keypad, a spring-loaded apparatus safely inserts the tampon.  Spit-spot!  It’s as easy as that!”

When the time comes for removal, simply re-enter the code, followed by the ‘star’ key (*).  An innovative new fiber optic microchip woven deep within the tampon responds to the signal and activates release.

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“No muss, no fuss!” says Duval.  It’s easy, convenient, and designed for today’s on-the-go women who take advantage of every minute of every day – every day of the month!”

“And it’s completely safe,” adds Duval.  “My young niece tried it out and she told me “Aunt Flo, I love it!  It keeps my hands free for all my texting, chatting, and tweeting.  I like having my own code number – it’s neat.  It makes me feel all grown up inside.”

What happens if my activation code gets lost?

“In case you forget or misplace the code, simply call 1-268-866-7669 (1-COT-TON-PONY), and press the “pound” key (#).  Our command center will recognize your device, and an audible tone will be generated.  When the phone is placed near the feminine region, the product is ejected.”

What about security?  Can my tampon be hacked?  Should I worry about viruses?

“Our quality control process guarantees the security and integrity of your tampon through the use of an advanced firewall.  No unauthorized person can break through.”

What if I get stuck in the rain?  Is there a risk of an electrical shock?  Can I swim with it?

“The microchip fibers are sealed and insulated, so you’re protected against bodily injury or harm.  You can swim, practice gymnastics, or even go horseback riding.”

Kimberly-Clark is proud to spearhead this new initiative,” says Duval, “This is just one more way we’re proud to say, ‘Live Your Life With No Strings Attached!

“More and more women are putting their business in our hands,” says Duval.  “Not so long ago, when it came to the subject of feminine hygiene, women remained tight-lipped.  Today, we’re much more open between the legs.  Sales figures for our first quarter are encouraging, and this is just the beginning!  There’s nowhere to go but up!”

Teen’s Dental Retainer Acts As Wi-Fi Hotspot

AKRON, Ohio – Teen’s Dental Retainer Acts As Wi-Fi Hotspot

Hal Dragna knew something was up when he noticed his 14-year-old daughter, Sally, using her smartphone in a place so remote, no cell phone service was available.

“We went on hiking vacation, and my wife and I asked the kids to leave their devices at home.” The family of four was on a three-day hiking trip through nearby West Branch State Park. “I wanted them to disconnect for a while.” Even though he knew his daughter and his 13-year-old son had brought their devices, he looked the other way.

“I walked up to them on day 2 to see if they were ‘ready to roll’ and got the shock of my life. They were online!” said Dragna.

Although the nearest cell phone tower and wi-fi hotspot was miles away, they were online and surfing. He questioned his kids and the answer he got was even more shocking. Daughter Sally’s new retainer, acting in conjunction with a few of her metallic fillings, were acting as a wi-fi hotspot.

“Sally told me that the night before, she couldn’t fall asleep because she kept hearing ‘radio noises’, and thought they were coming from her mouth,” said Dragna. “She was too afraid to say anything because she knew she wasn’t supposed to have her phone, plus she thought she was going crazy. She told her brother, but not me or her mother.”

“My mouth dropped open when I saw the signal, I was so excited,” said Sally, “and the bars jumped up from 2 to 5. I figured out when I opened my mouth the signal got stronger, and I knew it was my retainer. My grandfather told me about old radio sets he built where he used a spring mattress for a radio antenna, so I knew my new retainer had to be doing the same thing!”

“Crystal” radio sets were simple receivers, popular when radio communication was in its early days. They didn’t need a power source, and were activated by a wire antenna. The sound is weak compared to battery-powered sets, but could be heard by Sally, with her skull acting as an amplifier.

The phenomenon was short-lived, however. When the family returned from the trip, Sally went in for a scheduled dental adjustment, and her ‘radio days’ were over.

“It was fun while it lasted,” said Sally, “but my dad wont’ stop calling me ‘Radiohead.’ I think that was the name of an old band from the 90s or something. He’s worse than my brother sometimes,” she added.

Convicted Pedophile Wins Millions In State Lottery

BATAVIA, Illinois – Convicted Pedophile Wins Millions In State Lottery

Department store employee Edgar Phipps led a quiet life and followed the same routine for years. All that changed last week, though, when he won a state lottery drawing that netted him almost $5 million.

When lottery officials verified Phipps’ identity, though, they say that a disturbing fact came up on his record. According to the Illinois State Lottery Commission, Phipps was a listed on the Illinois state sex offender registry.

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that,” said Phipps. “Whoops.”

Phipps says he forgot about the multiple incidents of aggravated sexual contact with minors, technically classifying him as a pedophile. “Oh, yeah those,” said Phipps. “Well, that was me getting screwed by the system. They all said they were legal age, but they lied, so the state blamed me and then I had to go to jail for a few years or whatever, then they made me register when I got out. Thank God I don’t have any neighbors nearby or any schools around. I didn’t have to go door-to-door like those freaks do, introducing themselves to neighbors saying ‘Hi, I’m Ed and I’m on a sex pervert list,’ or anything embarrassing like that.”

Phipps claims he received treatment and counseling for a number of years after “the sex things,” and is fully cured. He received the check from the state lottery commission after it was learned that he had received counseling and did not re-offend.

“So anyway,” recalled Phipps, “I get home with the giant check and that’s when the trouble started. I had tons of emails and phone calls from people I didn’t know who must have Googled my name and found out about the sex things. Talk about invasion of privacy!”

According to Phipps, the emails were just the beginning. Phipps claims several of his windows were shattered, and his roof was damaged. “I guess the branch coming down on the roof wasn’t related to the sex thing, but the rocks through the window were a different story. But then again, we did have a really bad hail storm that day, and there was that F4 tornado…now that I think back on it.”

Empire News asked Phipps the number one question asked of every lottery winner: What do you plan on doing with the money?

“Well,” he answered, “last Christmas I had to cut some friends off my gift list, so I’m going to do a belated Christmas for everyone I missed, dressed up as Santa, of course!” On his list: a tricycle, a Little Suzy Easy Cookie Cake Oven, some stuffed animals, and several popular action figures which he plans on giving his friends.

“I’m the luckiest guy alive,” said Phipps. “I feel like I’m on top of the world!”

Phipps says he plans on quitting his department store job and will devote more time to his favorite hobby, taxidermy.

NBA Star Blake Griffin Pulls Drunk Driver From Moving Car

LOS ANGELES, California – NBA Star Blake Griffin Pulls Drunk Driver From Moving Car

LA Clippers superstar Blake Griffin is being called a hero today by basketball fans, drivers, pedestrians and members of Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), after he was spotted pulling an apparently drunk driver from a moving vehicle in downtown Los Angeles.

“I was stuck in traffic, as usual,” said Griffin to local reporters who had gathered at his home, “and I noticed one car was moving. That caught my eye because the rest of us weren’t moving. I knew something was wrong.”

Wasting no time and demonstrating the quick response and agility that has made him one of the best players in the history of the NBA, the 6′ 10″ Griffin immediately sprang into action.

Leaping from the Kia sedan he had previously jumped over in 2011 to win the annual slam dunk contest, he pulled intoxicated driver Raymond Milland from his vehicle and immediately engaged the parking brake, bringing Milland’s car to a complete standstill to the cheers of hundreds of stranded drivers.

“It was a parking lot out there and I don’t deserve being called a hero,” said Griffin. “Anyone would have done the same, and I’d like to think if I was stuck in a moving car in LA, someone would do the same for me.”

Griffin attributes the incident to being in the right place at the right time. “I was open, I took the shot, it went in, no harm, no foul,” said the power forward. “I first knew something was wrong because my kneecap started tingling.” Griffin was referring to his left kneecap, which he broke during a pre-season game in 2009, causing him to miss the entire season.

“My kneecap’s kind of like my ‘spidey-sense.’ I can always tell when something’s wrong or it’s about to rain. We’re in a drought here in LA, so I figured something was wrong. The poor guy said he had been drinking all weekend and he looked kind of lost. I hope he gets the help he needs.”

Griffin returned to his car after police arrived. Milland was arrested and charged with DUI.

Pharmaceutical Company Mixes Up Aspirin, Birth Control Pills; Public Urged To Check Medicine Cabinets

PHOENIX, Arizona – Pharmaceutical Company Mixes Up Aspirin, Birth Control Pills Public Urged To Check Medicine Cabinets

If you used Estroblokitol birth control pills or reached for a bottle of generic brand aspirin during the months of October, November, or December 2014, doctors and pharmacists urge you to contact Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals immediately.

Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals admitted today that a labeling error at their Mexico packaging facility caused as many as 6,000 bottles of aspirin, and 3,000 dispensers of birth control pills to be mislabeled – some aspirin were in fact birth control pills, and vice-versa.

Several thousand bottles of generic pain reliever were shipped from the Tijuana, Mexico packaging facility to regional centers across the United States, but authorities are about “83% confident” that the affected products were confined to the greater Phoenix area.

Dr. Lita Hürstvatter, of Phoenix’s St. Joseph’s Hospital, issued an urgent appeal to women across the country – not just from the greater Phoenix area – to immediately bring unused Estroblokitol pills to their health care provider or clinic for examination.

“It is important that we find any women who were mistakenly given aspirin in place of an oral contraceptive, as well as men or women who thought they were taking a pain reliever, when in fact the were issued a birth control hormone. Estroblokitol is a federally controlled substance, and contains potentially dangerous substances, available only with a doctor’s prescription.”

The seriousness of the situation has not escaped the attention of lawyers eager to make their mark on what could prove to be the largest class action suit in history. “Unplanned pregnancies that may result as a consequence of this mistake are just the tip of the iceberg,” said legal consultant Maxine Bleedom, former partner in nationally known personal injury law firm Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn. “This is huge, and I want in on it.”

Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals is taking necessary steps to address all potential cases individually. Anyone who has a prescription for Estroblokitol, as well as anyone who has taken any generic or dollar-store brand of aspirin, are urged to direct questions and concerns to the company’s nationwide toll-free hotline, at 888-276-6760 to obtain a case number and entry into a confidential nationwide database.

LeBron James’ 10-Year-Old Son Signed To Play Pro-Ball in Europe

RIGA, Latvia –  LeBron James’ 10-Year-Old Son Signed To Play Pro-Ball in Europe

LeBron James Jr., 10, has been signed by the Latvian National Basketball Association to a 2-year exclusive contract beginning in June, when the young phenom begins his 5th grade summer vacation.

Latvian President Andris Bērziņš made the joint announcement via Skype during a Saturday afternoon international press conference, while Foreign Minister Edgars Rinkevics offered his comments via translator.

“We are very happy to welcome this young sports prodigy, LeBron James, Jr., into our sports family and to our country, where he will add cultural significance, honor, and international legitimacy to our basketball program.”

James, Jr.’s transition will be helped greatly by Jerry Jackson, former McCaksey High School basketball star from Lancaster PA, now enjoying his seventh season overseas.  Said Jackson, “It will be good to have a young protégé to help train and develop. He’s got the raw talent and he looks good out there. I didn’t have that when I started, even though my teammates accepted me with open arms.”

James Jr. is already taller than 80% of the Latvian population, which will make him the recipient of instant attention when he does arrive in the Spring.

“Hopefully, he’ll get used to that,” said Jackson. “I know he’s been brought up to get along with people, but at his age, it’s a lot to handle.”

Latvia has its share of pre-teen groupies who flock to anything foreign. Everyone, it seems, wants to be American, or near anyone or anything that’s American.

“Gold diggers start earlier and earlier, you know,” said Jackson. “It’ll be my job to keep the pre-adolescent little shawties far away from little LeBron. He doesn’t need any of that when his mind should be on the game.”  At the age of 10, James, Jr. will need careful guidance and attention, especially in light of his father’s US schedule keeping him away.

“I’m really excited to go to Latvia,” said James Jr. “They are paying me way more than my dad paid me for taking out the trash and doing all my other stupid chores. Plus they’re giving me a car! I guess over there you can drive even without a license, ’cause it’s like backwards over there or something? Anyway, I’m real excited!”

Until the spring, James, Jr. is expected to live his 5th grade life just as any other 10-year old – as normally as can be expected that is, when your father is two-time NBA champ LeBron James, Sr.

 

 

 

 

 

76-Year Old Grandmother Arrested For Phone Hacking

PEORIA, Illinois – 76-Year Old Grandmother Arrested For Phone Hacking

Imagine Mavis Thompson’s surprise when on Christmas Eve, two uniformed police officers showed up on the mild-mannered grandmother’s doorstep with a warrant for her arrest.

“I thought the policemen had the wrong address,” said Thompson, “but there was my name right there and in big letters, and the paper said ARREST WARRANT.”

“We had to take her in,” said Officer Mark Macon. “We got several sworn complaints that she was making aggravated, inappropriate, and indecent phone calls which were recorded by other parties.”

Thompson suffers from chronic post nasal drip, accompanied by a persistent, hacking cough. “It’s bad,” she said. “I’ve had it for years and I call the drugstore for my new prescription. The police said that’s how it started. It was that neighbor lady’s daughter who was the ringleader. She’s into the gothic faith that kids are following now – devil worship it looks like to me, with all the black eye makeup.”

Indeed, upon further investigation, it was “that neighbor lady’s daughter,” ‘River O. Darkniss,’ née Louise Hicks, who had concocted a scheme where she and her goth friends filed several complaints, alleging Thompson had made repeated threatening and inappropriate phone calls to different local businesses.

“These kids were cruel,” said Officer Macon. They called up Mrs. Thompson and recorded her voice, and made a prank sound board. They added in her coughing sounds so we’d know it was her. Everybody knows she’s a hacker – I mean a cougher – but this was just plain mean.”

The re-edited sound mash-ups were convincing enough for authorities to seek Thompson’s arrest. The computer whiz kids managed to turn innocent conversation into highly inappropriate language by editing recorded conversations with Thompson.

“I really want something for my throat, *cough* and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back down that way in town there to pick it up; can you do that for me please and get back to me?” was a mild enough question that the teens turned into dirty remarks.

“I really want something to get down in my throat, *cough* I want to get it down there, way back down in my throat, please *cough* really get it in way down in there, *cough cough* I want a pick up, can you do me please, do me, really do me back there, please do me way down back there *cough* in my *cough cough* throat.”

“Things like that were just very inappropriate from an older person,” said Macon, so we started to suspect foul play. “Once we found out what was going on, we released her and arrested the kids.”

“It was terrible, and I’m glad it’s over,” said Thompson. “I don’t use that drug store anymore even though they apologized, but I can’t show my face there. Forgive and forget, and I’m trying, but now I always watch what I say on the phone. I certainly don’t want to pull anymore boners like that.”

Carbonated Beverages Destroy Ozone Layer, Say Experts

STANFORD, California – Carbonated Beverages Destroy Ozone Layer, Say Experts

There’s nothing worse than a “flat” soda, but according to experts from California’s Stanford Woods Institute for the Environment, the familiar hiss of a can or bottle when opened translates into increased depletion of the Earth’s protective ozone layer. Holes in the ozone layer mean more exposure to ultraviolet light, which translates into increased risk of sunburn, skin cancer, and heat stroke related injuries.

“Over 2 billion cans and bottles of carbonated beverages are opened worldwide each day, exposing us all to dangerous levels of exposure to ultraviolet light,” says atmospheric expert Dr. Althea Thoone. “It’s fascinating that a simple, everyday act can have such a negative wide-ranging impact; however, small changes in our daily activity will help lessen the danger.”

Thoone’s groundbreaking study is the result of more than five-year’s analysis of university based surveys. The professor chose a university-based population because of the high number of carbonated beverages consumed, as compared against the national average. College and university populations consume carbonated beverages up to seven times greater than the national average.

Besides the environmental hazards, health effects of carbonated beverages – which can contain as much as 12 teaspoons of sugar in a 12-ounce serving – can be measured in increased rates of diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease.

“Obviously fewer cases of heart disease, diabetes and skin cancer mean good news for everyone,” added Thoone. “We must also take into account the negative effects of carbon dioxide released when you burp. Multiply the effects of human digestion by 3 billion, and then apply that to the environment, and you’ve got a huge issue, similar to that of the methane problem we have caused by farting cows.”

Soft drink container recycling also negatively contributes to the thinning of the Earth’s protective layer.  Fossil fuels used to transport cans and bottles to recycling plants, not to mention the operation of the plants themselves, produce a domino effect. “If we can reduce our intake of carbonated soft drinks by 10 percent,” says Thoone, “the long range benefits for our planet will be immeasurable, in a good way. Unless we cut back on our consumption, we’re headed for a catastrophe.”

No word yet from soft drink manufacturers who will undoubtedly disagree with reduced soft drink consumption, but for now, you may want keep the sunscreen handy the next time you “pop that top.”

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