Teen Dehydrates After Mistakenly Taking Bath With Salts

BURLEY, Idaho – Idiot Teen Dehydrates After Mistakenly Taking Bath With Salts

14-year-old Jeremy Dalton was admitted to the Cassia Regional Medical center in Burley last week suffering from extreme dehydration.  What makes this ordinary sounding event extraordinary is the way in which he became dehydrated.

“He wanted to be ‘cool’ like all the kids who were doing bath salts,” said Jeremy’s mother Myra, 32.  “He put a bag of rock salt in the tub and then took a bath. I guess he thought that’s what you were supposed to do. I walked in and found him shriveled up and crying.”

Synthetic drugs, including “bath salts,” are an increasingly growing problem, especially in rural areas around the country.  “Bath Salts” are actually man-made chemicals similar to amphetamines, and are taken either nasally or orally.  They are not connected in any way to regular mineral salts, which are dissolved in bath water and used for relaxation.

Last year, the state of Idaho released a parents’ guide focusing on the abuse of synthetic drugs, published after state and county health officials noticed a spike in bath salt related emergencies and overdoses.

Drug abuse and addiction specialist Dr. Phyllis Bromley remarked, “Every so often, a new drug craze is introduced and word spreads quickly now with social networks.  We try to keep one step ahead of the drug peddlers but at this point, we can only hope to keep up with them after a number of young people are hurt, or in some cases, killed.”

“I didn’t see that parents’ guide,” said Myra, “but I did tell him not to copy what the other kids were doing.  I blame peer pressure for making him do it.  We all did some stupid things when we were kids, like the 2 years I took up smoking to look cool, or the time I had an orgy with that biker gang, but I never did anything like this. Never drugs. The reason why I wanted to get the word out even though my son is only 14, is to let other parents know that it can happen to them, even if they think it won’t.”

When asked if he would experiment with drugs in the future, Jeremy, through parched lips, mumbled “Never again.”

Jeremy shows no signs of permanent damage, and is expected to make a full recovery after a day or two of observation and intravenous rehydration therapy.

Channing Tatum To Get Breast Implants For Upcoming Movie Role

HOLLYWOOD, California – Channing Tatum To Get Breast Implants For Upcoming Movie Role

Actors immerse themselves in roles to varying degrees; some of the lesser or tired actors “phone it in,” while others go to extremes to create realistic portrayals.

Celebrity heartthrob Channing Tatum (22 Jump Street) definitely falls into the latter category, as he has announced today that he will be undergoing breast augmentation surgery for his role in Magic Mike XXL.

Tatum jumped at the chance to take on the challenge. “I didn’t hesitate for a second when my manager told me the storyline for the sequel. I didn’t read the script first, I didn’t even ask what the terms were for my salary. I just said ‘yes’ when I heard about the breasts. I can’t wait to start working on this new role. I want big ones, as big as possible! I asked the doctor to ‘Pam Anderson’ me,” said Tatum.

According to studio executives, Magic Mike XXL follows the continuing story of the character from the first film, Magic Mike, as he goes from being a sexy male stud stripper to a femme-fatale exotic dancer. The first film, which also starred Matthew McConaughey, made almost $114 million dollars back on its small, $7 million budget.

Tatum’s Hollywood star has risen in recent years, and this role undoubtedly will cement his status as a solid dramatic actor. “I remember when Robert De Niro gained all that weight for that boxing movie,” said Tatum, and “Tyler Perry literally transforms himself into that big, scary, fat old African-American lady, but I decided to have my physical body altered on the inside, which I think will be great for my career.”

Tatum’s new breasts will be implanted in February 2015, and the surgeon performing the augmentation has agreed to donate the proceeds to the Susan B. Komen For The Cure breast cancer awareness foundation. Breast cancer is suffered by both women and men.

“My fans seem to be pretty accepting,” said the actor. “Thousands of brand new fans can’t wait to see the results, and they’re literally begging me to send them photos! Did you know I have a fan club at San Quentin? I didn’t, but in any case, I’m really stoked to get stacked!”

Congress Creates Tax On Internet Surfing; Expect To Pay Up To $3 Per Hour On Top Of Regular Monthly Bill

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress Shoots Down Net Neutrality, Passes Internet Usage Tax

Although Congress has recently shot down several different versions of a ‘net neutrality’ plan that would force large websites that have heavy traffic to pay more to internet service providers or face throttling, congress wasn’t as quick to shoot down a recently proposed tax on internet surfing to consumers.

Beginning in 2015, users of all internet services – including Time Warner Cable, Verizon FiOS, and Cox Communications among others – will be expected to pay an hourly fee of approximately $3 for basic internet service, on top of your normal monthly bill.

“It’s stupid, and it’s outrageous,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA). “If I were on the committee to prevent the Internet chargers and the Wall Street fat cats from pushing this through, I would have done my best to nip this in the bud. But I was traveling and I missed the vote,” she said.

House Speaker John Boehner was not as critical. “I don’t think $3 is too much to pay for a service that essentially brings the world to your doorstep. With this increased revenue, [the government] can help to balance the budget, and get our economy to where it used to be. The President has run into the ground, through his many policies and legislations, this country and our dollar, mostly because he comes up with ideas and we refuse to act. But regardless, this tax will help many.”

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) rejected an addendum to the bill that would have provided a “hardship exemption” for those not able to afford the monthly fee.

“People who can’t afford the fee aren’t going to be spending money online anyway,” McConnell explained, ”and giving them another handout is not helping the economy. This way, slowly but surely, one hour at a time, we’ll get the country back on its feet. Just like the story with the turtle and the hare, slow and steady wins the race!”

The average person spends up to 11 hours per day on some sort of internet service, whether it be through a computer, tablet, or cell phone. A conservative fee estimate would set back a typical American family nearly $10,000 per year, depending on their internet usage.

Consumers have reacted with shock and anger. “I’m going back to old-fashioned letter writing,” said heavy Internet user and single mother Samira Wells. “If it’s a choice between getting on Facebook and feeding my babies, I’m going to feed my babies. Wait ’til my Facebook friends hear about this,” she added.

“This is governmental influence run amok,” said Consumer Advocate Ralph Nader. “I may have to run for President again to enact legislation to invalidate this act of Congressional overreach.”

Many questions remain unanswered. What about people who already pay per hour for certain subscription services? Won’t they be paying double? Congress hasn’t answered that question yet, but political pundits say that many congressional leaders will have plenty of answers prepared for the millions of voters out there before the 2016 elections season heats up.

Harvard Study Finds Whites Experience Far More Racism Than Blacks

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – Harvard Study Finds Whites Experience Far More Racism Than Blacks

A controversial Harvard University study reveals what many oppressed, non-minorities have said for years – white people experience far more racism than black people.

Dr. Bob Ofay, author of the study, offers a rather straightforward defense of his findings: “Approximately 234,000,000 white people live in the United States, compared to about 39,000,000 black people. It’s simple mathematics. More white people, far more prejudice. The numbers don’t lie.”

Dr. Cornel West, African-American Harvard and Princeton educated philosopher and author, weighed in on the study. “Technically, Ofay’s correct. There are far more whites living in America, so proportionately, he’s right. But there‘s a different kind of racism that whites face.”

West went on to explain that every member of a non-white race has an equal opportunity to practice racism against whites; therefore, going by the data, whites are indeed oppressed far more than blacks. “I feel for my white brothers and sisters!” said West. “I’ve been there, done that, and it’s no day at the beach let me tell you. Especially if that beach is segregated,” he added.

Rev. Al Sharpton, activist and TV opinion show host said, “All these years I’ve been organizing protest marches fighting inequality between historically white-on-black oppression, since slavery anyway. But now that I look at the bigger picture – the history before slavery – I see that whites have suffered far more oppression than blacks, and many other races combined for that matter. When you do the math, I see now that it’s the whites who have gotten the short end of the racial stick.”

When asked if his editorial viewpoint would change because of the Ofay study, Sharpton replied, “Hell no! I’ve got a gold mine going on here! Don’t get me wrong – I’m sympathetic to the plight of white people – but I’m not a damn fool! That question was outrageous!”

Whether the results of Ofay’s survey will change perceptions across the nation is up for debate. Just a peek at today’s headlines, from Ferguson Missouri to Staten Island, New York, seem to tell a different story.

Ofay remains confident. “The facts I have presented will bear me out. These days, to be born white is to have one strike against you. I knew the tide was turning when years ago, salsa became the number one condiment over ketchup. The proof’s in the pudding,” said Ofay.

In a related study by the Food Institute of America, chocolate pudding outranks vanilla by a nearly 2 to 1 margin, but they say butterscotch is gaining traction.

Tanning Salon Chain Sued After Putting Cooking Oil in Self-Tanner

MALIBU, California – Tanning Salon Chain Sued After Putting Cooking Oil in Self-Tanner

More than a dozen people have filed suit against the Shining Sun, Inc. chain of tanning salons after it was revealed that the self-tanner applied to their bodies was actually cooking oil. A labeling error is blamed for the mixup.

Shining Sun uses a combination of lightly tinted self-tanner and natural botanicals rather than a heavy oil-based spray. Usually within 24-48 hours, the tan deepens, depending on the person’s body chemistry.

“A few of the people who felt the spray tan wasn’t working fast also used the salon’s tanning beds,” said Dr. Paul Westerbrook of Malibu Urgent Care Hospital. “A couple came in to our E.R., and they were showing signs of acute sun poisoning. I know this is Malibu, but it’s still a rarity, especially in December. I asked them how long they had been in the tanning beds, and they said about 20 minutes. After a number of other people started coming in and were also showing signs of sun poisoning, we started investigating.”

Dr. Westerbrook first questioned the couple on why they would use the tanning beds and the fake tan spray together. “They told me they were in a wedding party and wanted to look ‘healthy’ for the photographs, and the spray tan they received wasn’t working fast enough. We eventually examined the spray, and determined that it was soybean oil. They literally cooked themselves while laying in the tanning beds.”

“The tan looks great, but I feel like hell,” said Marc Chaleur, lead plaintiff named in the lawsuit. “My wife can’t even talk because her lips are so swollen, but other than that, she said it’s the most even tan she’s ever gotten. At least that’s what I think she said.”

Shining Sun, Inc. spokesperson Autumn Trent released a statement from its corporate headquarters in Malibu.

Due to a third-party vendor error, several batches of our natural tanning solution were mislabeled, resulting in discomfort and injury to a number of our patrons. While we regret this unfortunate circumstance, because the matter has become a legal issue, further statements and updates regarding the matter will be issued by the law firm of Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn.

Plaintiffs Mr. & Mrs. Chaleur hope to make the photo session for the upcoming wedding after a few days’ rest and lots of cool baths. “My wife said she’s determined to look her best at the photo shoot. I mean, at least that’s what I think she said,” added Chaleur.

‘Westboro Baptist Church’ Pulls Off The Greatest Prank In History

TOPEKA, Kansas – 'Westboro Baptist Church' Pulls Off The Greatest Prank In History

Westboro Baptist Church, known more for its theatrical, attention-getting demonstrations than for its spreading of the gospel, finally admitted what many have suspected all along – it’s all been a colossal prank.

“It started in the church basement,” said former member and amateur performer Keith Lindsay. “We were losing members and money, so I formed an improv group called Winging It. We dressed up as angels and did lighthearted skits based on good deeds.”

The improvised good deeds changed depending on the audience, as Lindsay explained. “Sometimes we’d be at the mall and some woman would walk by wearing the most disastrously put together, wretched outfit, so we’d re-style her! I’d reach into my big bag and give her a makeover right on the spot! I have a talent for that,” he added.

The small-scale improv wasn’t giving the church the exposure they wanted, so Lindsay decided to “take things up a notch” in in effort to recruit more members. The troupe began acting out the most dramatic scenes from the Bible.

“We were stoning this woman at the mall once,” said Lindsay, “when a mother with her little boy said we should stop because it was too violent for her son to see. Well I was exhausted from being up all night practicing my improv and making all those paper mache rocks, and I lost my temper, but I stayed in character which is an improv comedy rule.”

Lindsay’s ‘ah-ha’ moment came when he criticized the young mother for dressing her young son in a pink shirt. “I said, ‘God hates the pink shirts and your son looks like a ‘you-know-what.’ She clearly didn’t know what I meant, and because I was still ‘in the moment’ I suddenly blurted out, ‘GOD HATES FAGS!’ and that’s how the whole thing started! The moment was so electric! I was trembling!” said Lindsay.

From that point forward, the church found themselves flooded with new members, all volunteering to make signs, protest funerals, and picket every event they could possibly think of.

“So that’s the story,” said Lindsay. “It was all just an act. The idea started as an improv comedy bit that we thought could get us some attention and new members, and it just blew up from there! I’m so relieved to finally come out and tell the truth,” he said. “‘Pastor’ Fred Phelps was a genius, and he took my blow-up at that woman in the mall to new heights. Once he got his daughter Shirley in front of a crowd, with her empty gaze and haggard looks, the entire thing became more believable than ever. I credit Fred and Shirley in making these little bits we had into a work of comedic excellence.”

Lindsay left the church when founder Fred Phelps passed away in March 2014, and is now focusing on a solo performing career.

“It was time to move on,” said the actor, but right now I’m writing my own one-man show, so just move over Liza Minnelli! Step aside Lada Gaga! I’m getting my act together and taking it on the road!”

TV’s Punky Brewster To Auction Her Eggs On eBay

HOLLYWOOD, California – TV’s Punky Brewster To Auction Her Eggs On eBay

Soleil Moon Frye, the actress known to millions as 1980s TV moppet Punky Brewster, has decided to sell something very personal on eBay. No, it’s not those miss-matched sneakers from her starring role; The actress, now 37, recently put her eggs up for auction on eBay with a starting bid of $10.

“I was hoping the opening bid would be more than $100, said Frye, “but I understand. I don’t have the eggs of a 20-year-old anymore. If I was a younger actress, like Jennifer Lawrence or Shia La Beouf, I bet I’d be able to get maybe ten or eleven thousand per egg. It’s much like how Hollywood operates,” she added.

Comments left by bidders ranged from the curious to the confused. ebayBetsy100 wrote “I was a big fan of Punky Brewster when I was a kid. If I use one of your eggs, will my baby be abandoned by the father, like Punky was? That would be so unfair to the child, no matter who the father is.”

Probuyer77 wrote: “I hope I win the bid because I want my daughter to be a famous person (or son). Will you be a surroget [sic] mother or will I have to carry the child? I would pay extra if you were the birth mother if I win your egg.”

Several users were actually more surprised with the fact that you could sell your own eggs on eBay than they were that Frye was selling hers. “Wow, I could probably make a fortune selling my eggs,” said eBay user quickcash666. “I mean hell, I get new ones every month anyway. I didn’t know that was allowed on eBay, or is [Soleil] just allowed to because she was famous once three decades ago? Celebrities get all the luck.”

Frye hopes her auction will bring awareness to the problem of infertility. “I’ve always been a trend setter,” she said. “I’ve always been unique. I was the only kid named Soleil in my classes all throughout school. Even if I don’t make a lot of money from this auction, I hope I can bring awareness to people facing reproductive difficulties. I mean, I’ve got three kids, so I know my eggs work just fine, but if just one of my eggs can complete a family, that would be enough reward for me, even though the money would be a bonus.”

Frye may get her wish. After completing this interview with Empire News, the actress was contacted by Michelle Duggar, star of the reality series 19 Kids and Counting. “They offered me a spot on the show,” said an excited Frye. “This will bring the awareness I was talking about and get me back into my acting, so it’s a win-win! They even mentioned a spin-off show called Frye’d Eggs! Their show is very popular and the Duggars said if the auction doesn’t go as well as I hope it will, they will buy my eggs directly! I guess the only thing we didn’t discuss was if I’m going to be, like, the 20th kid and counting or not.”

The high bid for Frye’s eggs was $477.01 at the time of this story’s posting.

BREAKING: North Korea Launches Nuclear Missile Towards The United States

PYONGYANG, North Korea – BREAKING- North Korea Launches Nuclear Missile Towards The United States

Kim Jong-un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, has launched a series of nuclear missiles towards the United States in retaliation for the release of the new Seth Rogen and James Franco big-budget comedy film The Interview.

The nuclear capabilities of North Korean military forces are in their infancy, and so far no missiles have traveled further than a few kilometers, military experts say. “We’re on high alert in case any missile comes close to entering American territory,” said US Army spokesperson Turk Hudsonberry. “We’ve been able to track the missiles with spy satellites, and so far only two have managed to launch. Of those two, one was a dud, while the other one wiped out a bridge near the Taedong River,” he added.

Although North Korean forces have thus far been unsuccessful in their attempts to inflict damage anywhere near American soil, US military personnel never underestimates the significance of any perceived attack. “We take each and every threat against the United States seriously,” said Hudsonberry, “no matter how weak or inept they may seem.”

In the Rogen and Franco film, the duo play tabloid show stars who land an interview with Kim Jong-un, and are recruited by the CIA to “take him out.”

“I guess he just doesn’t have that big a sense of humor,” said Hollywood insider and North Korean military expert Danny Nang. “Reports circulated last June that Kim Jong-un was extremely upset with the film’s plot, but we never expected military retaliation.  We suspect that the Supreme leader is one of the few people in the country with access to a satellite to view worldwide media, which would explain his knowledge that the film existed.”

In August of 2013, photos from a North Korean military parade showed what were purported to be Intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBMs). “They were the same ICBMs used in the previous year’s parade,” said Nang, “except new numbers were painted over the old ones. Military experts determined they were fakes designed more for show.”

Hudsonberry stressed that all threats against the United States are treated with the highest priority. “Kim Jung-un’s actions should never be underestimated. His government goes to great lengths to display the country’s military might, and what North Korea shows on the outside does not necessarily represent what takes place on the inside. We remain on high alert, and are confident that our anti-missile systems will effectively counter and completely demolish any military attack before it poses any real threat to the US,” he added.

Oprah Winfrey Buys Financially Troubled Grand Ole Opry, Will Rename It ‘Grand Ole Oprah’

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – Oprah Winfrey Buys Financially Troubled Grand Ole Opry, Will Rename It 'Grand Ole Oprah'

Financially troubled country music institution the Grand Old Opry has accepted a buyout offer from media mogul and car-giveaway queen Oprah Winfrey in a deal that guarantees the stage concert’s existence well into the next century. There was just one condition – a name change. Oprah insisted that the theater be renamed “The Grand Ole Oprah.”

Opry General Manager Ralph Jackson Rogers spoke from his Opry office: “We were in a bind, and I got a call from the horse’s mouth herself,” Rogers explained. “My secretary told me she had Miss Oprah Winfrey on the phone and I thought she was just pulling my damn leg. I picked up the phone and she said ‘Hello, it’s Opraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!’ the way she does you know, so I knew it was her. I was shocked.”

Winfrey, a country music fan, heard the Opry was facing financial difficulties from her close friend, Gayle King. “I was doing a segment for my show, CBS This Morning,” explained King, “and I overheard an employee talking about cutbacks.”

“I got back from Nashville and rushed right over to tell Oprah about the Opry,” said King. “And Steadman too,” she added. “He was there too.”

Winfrey immediately researched the Opry’s financial state. “As most of my devoted followers already know,” said Winfrey, “I moved to Nashville as a teenager. I would be spiritually devastated if the Opry disappeared, so I decided the right thing to do was to buy it.”

Winfrey revealed a childhood dream that one day she would be the star of her very own musical theater. “Well,” admitted the multi-billionaire, “as most of my devoted followers already know, I can’t sing. Steadman tells me that all the time. He was here just the other day when Gayle came over to tell us both the news. Now I own the Opry and we’re thrilled! Steadman and I are thrilled!”

The Grand Ole Oprah will debut next spring in a star-studded extravaganza produced by The Oprah Winfrey Network. Oprah now operates the Opry, but not everyone is as exited as Oprah, Steadman, and Gayle at the change.

Local fan and devoted audience member Mary Coursey remarked, “What’s she gonna buy up next, NASCAR? Then she’d go and rename that ‘Oprah’s Go-Kart Festival’? Now I’m not saying nothing prejudiced, but ever since Obama got in, there’s been some mighty big changes in this country. Still,” Coursey reluctantly added, “I’m glad the Opry will be around for my grandbabies to enjoy. I know Oprah’s one of the good ones,” she added, “but down here we’re still gonna keep callin’ it the Opry!”

World Famous Rockefeller Christmas Tree In NYC Turns Out To Be Artificial 

NEW YORK CITY, New York – World Famous Rockefeller Christmas Tree In NYC Turns Out To Be Artificial 

The world-famous Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, which draws millions of tourists to New York City each year and has been featured in countless holiday films over several decades, has turned out to be a literal big phony.

Suspicions arose when the tree’s installation this year took place under the cover of darkness, with no advance public announcement. The installation of the tree is a tradition observed since the early 1930s, rivaled only by the tree’s official lighting ceremony.

Rockefeller Center officials reluctantly revealed the ruse when rumors were confirmed that the upstate New York family who donated this year’s tree had a change of heart, and decided not to cut down the 85 foot tall Norway Spruce.

“My grandfather planted that tree almost 90 years ago,” said Bruce Connor, the tree’s current owner. “He loved Christmas and after we made the decision, we couldn’t sleep,” he said. “My wife was a wreck just thinking about the tree not being there anymore.”

There was no ‘backup’ tree considered, since the honor of having one’s tree become the centerpiece of a worldwide celebration has never before been rejected. “I hope people understand, said Connor. I hope the world understands.”

Initial reaction from tourists in New York City was subdued. “I don’t care if the tree is artificial or not,” said Alice Thomas, visiting with her family from Chicago. “We came here to take in the sights, ice skate at the rink, and do some shopping. I think it looks fine, and let’s face it – who likes sweeping up all those needles? I sure wouldn’t. It’s still beautiful.”

Environmental groups praised the action, calling it a step in the right direction toward conservation. A statement released by animal rights group PETA also endorsed Rockefeller Center’s move. In part it read, “The natural habitat of many woodland creatures was spared by this action taken by Rockefeller Center. Remember, people are animals too,” read the somewhat confusing press release.

“The tree looks pretty,” said six-year-old Tracey Thomas.“ It looks like a real tree, but bigger.”

Rockefeller Center spokesperson Marcia Bibb said there is no ill will held toward the Connor family, but said in the future an alternate tree would be considered. “All’s well that ends well,” said Bibb. “The environmentalists are happy, the Connors are happy, and the visitors seem to be enjoying the season as they do every year. Happy holidays!”

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