JELLO Revamps Pudding Pops Line To Distance Themselves From Bill Cosby

Posted on December 3, 2014 by DvanL

NORTHFIELD, Illinois –

Kraft Foods, maker of JELLO Pudding Pops, wants to distance itself as far away as possible from entertainer Bill Cosby, whose commercials for the dessert that ‘wiggles and jiggles’ made him one of the most successful brand spokespersons of the 1980s. In recent months, Cosby has been accused of sexual misconduct by at least a dozen women, with many institutions associated with the actor and comedian scrambling to cut all ties.

“The first step is to rebrand Pudding Pops,” says JELLO product manager Katharine Parkinson. “The shape and color of some of our Pudding Pops have taken on negative associations through no fault of our own,” she stressed. “We don’t want people to think of Bill Cosby when they put a Pudding Pop into their mouths, or the mouths of their children. Unfortunately, our chocolate Pop is too suggestive of the very acts Bill Cosby is being accused of committing. We’re protecting a wholesome, cherished treat enjoyed by millions of people around the world.”

This is not the first time a major corporation has had to repair its damaged image. In 1981, the pain reliever Tylenol had its brand nearly destroyed when a series of product tampering struck fear into consumers. The makers of Tylenol were one of the first companies to use tamper-resistant packaging, now an industry standard.

Shopper Linda Boreman, a regular consumer of Pudding Pops, thinks it’s the right move. “My kids were joking around about it, saying things like ‘I got her right in the pudding pop’ and repeating other nasty things they read on the Internet. I don’t find those jokes funny at all, and now I’m ashamed to buy the Pops. I used to be embarrassed to buy feminine products, but now I’d rather be seen with a box of tampons poking out of my basket. When they change the product so it doesn’t remind me of sucking on a little Cosby, I’ll be the first one to gobble one down.”

Retailers have the option of selling off or exchanging their existing stock for the newly designed Pops. The new packaging prominently features vanilla and strawberry flavors, and the chocolate ones have changed shape, now coming in octangular shapes on a stick.

“Nothing is octagon shaped, at least nothing dirty or overtly sexual,” said Parkinson. “Our design team has been very busy, and we’re confident that our Pops will soon be melting in the mouths of millions of consumers once again!”

Man Plans Lawsuit Against Hooters, Claims Unequal Hiring and Employment Practices

Posted on November 28, 2014 by DvanL

MELROSE, Massachusetts –

George Emerson suffers from gynecomastia, a condition marked by the swelling of breast tissue in males. Thousands develop the condition, usually during puberty and as a result of hormonal imbalances. Many men opt for surgery to remove the excess tissue, but unlike other men diagnosed with the ailment, Emerson instead decided to keep his breasts and capitalize on them.

“I don’t want any invasive surgery,” he said, “and I was tired of hiding and binding my chest. One day I decided to put down the ace bandage, and slip into a loose-fitting shirt. I felt free for the first time in my life.”

Emerson’s new freedom gave him a sense of confidence he had never before possessed. One day, while driving through the nearby town of Saugus, Emerson decided to test the limits of his empowerment. He marched into the local Hooters and asked if they’d consider hiring him as part of the wait staff. “I met the physical requirements of the job and I guess I was feeling a little bit daring,” he said. “Plus, I have years of server experience from back in high school and college.”

Emerson’s measurements were the equivalent of a women’s 34C. “They thought I was trying to prank them – like I was wearing a padded bra or something, so then I took off my shirt and ‘boom boom,’ there I was, or there they were I guess. That’s when they called the manager.”

Dick Rodman, manager of the Hooters, spoke with Emerson and explained that it wasn’t part of the corporate business model to hire males, as the trademark for Hooters is built right in with their name and logo, and is pretty self-explanatory.

“I said for them not to consider me was a form of discrimination, and a violation of equal hiring practices. The manager wasn’t convinced,” said Emerson. “He told me he didn’t want his restaurant to turn into some kind of freak show attraction, and that’s when I decided to hire a lawyer.”

Nancy Grace has booked Emerson for an upcoming appearance on HLN Network, and celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred has been contacted by Emerson for possible legal representation.

“This isn’t about me,” said Emerson. “It’s about the thousands of men who suffer with the stigma of gynecomastia. We’ve had to hide our shame under tight, restrictive garments and bulky layers of clothing. Instead of standing tall, we’ve lived in our own shadows of embarrassment. If I can convince just one full-figured guy to stand tall, chin held high and chest thrust forward, then my double-barreled efforts will not be in vain.”

Emerson’s case will begin mid-December, and he has decided to represent himself in court. Legal experts say that an out-of-court settlement amenable to both parties will most likely be reached.

Woman Gives Birth During Black Friday Sale; Leaves Baby, Buys Big Screen TV

Posted on November 28, 2014 by DvanL

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin –

A Milwaukee woman is making headlines across the country this morning as it is being reported that phone-center supervisor Tiffany Briggs, 19, gave birth at her local Wal-Mart during the Black Friday midnight sale, and the left her baby in a bathroom sink.

Briggs was on break from her overnight shift at the nearby call center, and stopped by the Wal-Mart supercenter to get a new 50″ TV that was rolled-back to the low, low price of $218. Briggs said that she was racing through the store to beat the other customers to the deal, when she felt a sudden pain in her lower back. The next events were straight out of an episode of the TLC Series I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.

“I didn’t know I was pregnant,” said Briggs. “I went up to the cash lanes with my TV and got this massive pain down in my vajayjay area, and asked my friend Tyler, who works at the store, to watch my TV so I could use the bathroom, ’cause it was an emergency. I knew if I just left the TV, some asshole would come and snatch the cart right away, ’cause there weren’t that many available. Anyway, I ran through the crowd and when I got to the stall, the next thing I knew a little tiny baby girl popped right out and I was all ‘Wait, what?!’ I didn’t feel any pain after the first part, but damn it was a mess down there.”

After cleaning up, Briggs texted her best friend Mallory and told her what happened. “I didn’t know what to do and I was so scared so she [Mallory] Googled what to do when you have a baby without no doctor. She told me what the internet said, and I tied the cord with one of my hair extensions and washed her up in the sink with some antibacterial soap and paper towels.”

Mallory first suggested that Briggs call child protective services and report a ‘lost-and-found’ baby. “I definitely can’t afford a baby and I knew my mom would probably kick me out of the house if she found out, but then Mallory said she would call an ambulance and told me get out of there real quick and pretend nothing happened.”

Tiffany went back to the front lanes, paid for her TV and left, just as an ambulance arrived. 15 minutes later, police showed up at her workplace and placed Tiffany under arrest, charging her with child abandonment and neglect.

“It’s not my fault,” said Tiffany during an interview from Milwaukee County Jail. “I didn’t know I was pregnant and how could they prove if the baby was mine anyway? You have to get some DNA to prove it, and I didn’t even have any.”

Briggs faces up to 5 years in jail. The newborn has been taken in by CPS.

Vandals Set Fire To Famous ‘Home Alone’ House

Posted on November 26, 2014 by DvanL

WINNETKA, Illinois –

Last week, movie fans held their faces in their hands and screamed – just like young Macaulay Culkin did in the 1990 film Home Alone – when news broke that the northern Illinois Georgian mansion used for many of the film’s scenes was heavily damaged in a fire authorities are calling ‘suspicious.’

Sold in 2012 for nearly $1.6 million dollars, the house has its share of “drive by fans” – movie lovers who stop by to take a picture, just to say they were there. “One of those fans, we think,” said fire chief Bill Carrey, “got carried away and wanted to leave his mark. There was evidence left behind that suggested the fire was deliberately set.”

Nevertheless, conspiracy theories are popping up across the internet. SuperTriviaFanTed suggested in a blog post that actor Joe Pesci, irritated that he could not use his usual foul-mouthed vocabulary in the family oriented film, used his so-called “connections to the mob” to exact his revenge by torching the house. The Chicago Tribune has received anonymous emails saying that because Macaulay Culkin mimicked Edvard Munch’s painting “The Scream,” the restless spirit of the distressed Norwegian artist set the house ablaze. The most popular theory, though, is that Daniel Stern, the actor who played Marv, one of the ‘Wet Bandits’ alongside Joe Pesci, got bored and set the fire himself. Stern hasn’t been relevant in films in over a decade, and the fire could have been his way of making a name for himself once more.

Several other famous ‘movie set’ houses have fallen victim to sudden “fame” once more. The famous Amityville Horror house was besieged with visitors after an article appearing in Good Housekeeping magazine renewed interest in the property. Even after changes in the landscape and modifications to doors and windows were made, crowds still flocked to the house, causing problems for the new homeowners and their neighbors.

“Yes, I’ve heard the theories and funny jokes,” said Carrey, “but we’re going to go with arson. We detected traces of kerosene on the premises. We’ve gotten all sorts of prank calls from people who ask ‘Was the little boy home alone during the fire? Was he hurt? Did he set the house on fire?’ Things like that. I guess it’s all fun and games, but it takes up a lot of the department’s time. We deal in facts and this is a crime scene, not a reality show.”

Carrey is confident that the perpetrators will be identified and apprehended soon. “Everybody’s got security cameras now. These dumb vandals don’t stop and think everything they do, someone’s got them on camera. Also, there are only a few gas stations nearby that sell kerosene, so we’ll have this wrapped up soon.”

Winnetka police are reviewing neighbors’ security camera data and expect to release images of persons of interest to local media by the end of the week.

Doctors Diagnosing Millions Of Children With New Illness – Is Your Child At Risk?

Posted on November 25, 2014 by DvanL

CALDWELL, New Jersey –

Elmo, Big Bird, Bert and Ernie – all staples of PBS kids’ programming. Wholesome entertainment for children, and safe enough so parents don’t have to worry. But what if children can’t pry themselves away?

Doctors have a name for it: PBSD – Public Broadcasting Service Disorder. If your child can’t stop watching PBS Kids programming without exhibiting signs of depression or anxiety, or throwing a non-stop temper tantrum, then he or she may suffer from PBSD.

PBSD was the problem faced by Monica Hall, mother of 7-year-old Peter. “I had just gotten him weaned off ‘Hooked on Phonics,’ and now this. He can’t stop watching PBS Kids shows,” said the frustrated divorcée. “I guess it’s better that than watching those horrible Kardashians or the violence programs, though. Still, I can only take so much Peppa Pig and Sesame Street.”

Monica noticed Peter’s PBSD symptoms during a recent trip into New York City. “We went to see the Radio City Christmas Show,” said Monica. “We walked up from Times Square and Peter spotted one of those life-sized Elmos on one corner and ran up to him. This Elmo was kind of stinky and dirty and his fur was all matted but Peter was happy. When we went to leave, that’s when the trouble started.”

Peter had a tantrum that wouldn’t stop. “It lasted all the way up to Radio City. All the way there people stared at me like I was a bad mother. We got into the lobby and he still wouldn’t quit. I decided to turn around and go back home. It was a horrible day.”

Doctors quickly diagnosed Peter as suffering from PBSD. “Luckily,” said Monica, “the doctor’s office had big wall paintings with all the characters he loves, so we got through the doctor visit all right. That was a lucky break and I cried tears of joy when we walked in and Oscar The Grouch was behind the reception desk.”

Peter’s school called Monica, because his attendance had plummeted. She explained the diagnosis and they sent out a social worker who told Monica as long as Peter was watching PBS, he was receiving the same amount of education – and better quality – than the school was providing.

“Last week we had a storm and the power went out,” said Monica. “That was bad for a couple of hours, but it came back on and things got back to normal, praise Grover.”

Doctors say most kids outgrow PBSD by the time they reach the age of 9. “Things could be worse,” said Monica, but I guess there’s a bright side to all this. He gets to learn, I don’t have to worry about the bullying that goes on in the schools these days, and I can get all my housework and errands done!”

Convenience Store Bottles Water From Toilet, Small Town In Uproar

Posted on November 25, 2014 by DvanL

CRAWFORD, Texas –

“Don’t drink the water” is clichéd advice given to tourists traveling to certain foreign countries, where health standards aren’t up to par with those found in the United States. This time though, Texas locals had to heed those wise words as news spread that the “Li’l Roundup” convenience store, located in Crawford, was selling bottled water sourced from – believe it or not – a toilet in the back of the store.

“Technically, it was the toilet tank, not the bowl,” said store proprietor Herb Walker, recently released on bond. “When you say toilet, people automatically think of the toilet bowl, and that’s just gross. The water in the tank is fresh, so I didn’t see a real problem with filling the bottles from there, except I guess I was using Quicky Glue to re-seal the bottles, and that’s kind of toxic.”

Crawford PD officer Harlan Jeffords made the discovery by accident, when driving around town with his six-year-old son Becker. “Beck had to go to the bathroom, you know like kids always do, so we pulled up to the ‘Roundup’ and Beck comes out of there with his pockets stuffed with water bottle caps. I asked him where he got them and he said ‘they’re in the bathroom.’”

Jeffords took a look and found a cardboard box with hundreds of bottle caps. When he asked the store owner what they were doing in the bathroom, the facts came spilling out.

“He looked kind of embarrassed, like a little kid when you catch one doing something bad,” said Jeffords, “but finally we got the truth out of him. There were about two hundred small used water bottles in another box along with the Quicky Glue, and finally we put the pieces together.”

Officer Jeffords initially thought the water was coming from the bathroom sink, but Walker revealed the actual source when describing the operation. “The bottles wouldn’t fit in that tiny sink,” said Walker. “I tried. It was easier to dunk the bottles in the tank, and ‘bubble them up full,’ and then I’d seal the bottles back up. It’s bad enough folks think I’m a crook, now they think I run an unsanitary operation and that I’m some kind of pig.”

Walker faces a stiff fine, and possible jail time on health department violations. A court appearance is scheduled for Dec. 1 at the Crawford County Courthouse.

Discount Meat Giveaway Seemed Fishy To Police, Multiple Arrests Made

Posted on November 25, 2014 by DvanL

NEWARK, New Jersey –

When Felicia Sommers heard about the big discount meat giveaway taking place beside the community garden she tends, she wasted no time in calling all of her friends. “Have you seen the price of meat these days? It’s outrageous!” said the 32-year old mother of four. “I called as many people as I could to get over here, and get over here quick.”

One of the people Sommers called was the wife of Newark police detective Alan Hynes. “I knew something was up when my wife told me about it,” said Det. Hynes. “I changed into plain clothes and took a walk over.”

Sure enough, a few shady characters operating out of the back of a truck and dealing in cash-only transactions were running the show. “Labels were torn off the plastic so you couldn’t find out where the meat came from, but we knew it was stolen from somewhere,” said Hynes. “There were also a number of lookouts pacing up and down, these guys were real amateurs.”

“The meat looked very lean,” said Sommers, “leaner than any meat I have ever seen before. I was about to ask the guys a question when all hell broke loose and we found out the truth.”

“It’s horsemeat!” cried one astute discount meat shopper! “I know horses, my dad’s a butcher and my mom’s a vet, and this shit is horse meat!”

Panic ensued. Customers screamed. Many retched out in the open air. The purveyors of purloined pony plasm quickly grabbed their packages and threw them back in the truck, snatching some of the equine flesh from the hands of many disappointed consumers.

“I didn’t care if it came from a horse or whatever,” said single mother Winnie Foster. “I have mouths to feed. We eat pigs and sheep and birds and cows, don’t we? What’s the big deal about eating a damn horse? It’s not like it’s monkey meat or anything gross like that! Now I gotta go home and make some more damn spaghetti, and I promised my family they were going to have meat tonight. My kids are sick of spaghetti – and so am I!”

The perpetrators were arrested and charged with selling stolen property, but were not charged with selling horse meat. “It’s technically not illegal to sell horse meat in the United States. The government cleared it years ago – it’s just kind of frowned upon,” said Hynes. “So we couldn’t get them on that, though I’d have liked to. I’ve done mounted police duty before, and so the thought of eating one, well it kind of makes me sick to my stomach to tell you the truth.”

“I guess I’ve learned my lesson,” said Sommers. “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”

‘Diary of Anne Frank’ Flagged For Plagiarism

Posted on November 22, 2014 by DvanL

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands –

The Diary of Anne Frank, required reading for many middle-schoolers since its publication in 1947, was recently flagged for plagiarism, a discovery credited to 12-year old student Hanne Flüvke, who ran the book through an online plagiarism checker.

Through a translator Flüvke said, “We had to write a paper on Anne Frank and how she would be today in society. ‘Would she use Facebook and texting?’ my teacher asked, so I was checking my paper to make sure I wasn’t copying anything another person wrote.”

“Suddenly I became not very happy,” said Flüvke. “I started my report with Justin Bieber when he said he thought Anne Frank would be a ‘Belieber’ and my grandmother said, ‘Remember when I used to read you The Diary of Anne Frank every night when you were just a little girl before I could not see anymore?’” Hanne dug back through her closet and found the well-worn copy of the book her grandmother had read to her as a bedtime story years before.

On a fluke, Flüvke entered passages from Diary into an online copycat detector and found that nearly every passage was flagged for plagiarism. “Everything I entered from my grandmother’s copy of The Diary of Anne Frank showed up as a copy from another book called The Diary of a Young Girl, also published in 1947. I didn’t know which one was the real one, so I called my local newspaper to help me find out.”

“The little child was right!” said Johannes Bleek, editor of Amsterdam’s Daily Chronicler. “Everything matched. I don’t know how people could have overlooked such a thing as this before! Perhaps they let it go since the story was so sad about the little girl.”

The Supreme Court of the Netherlands (Hoge Raad der Nederlanden) ruled last week that The Diary of Anne Frank was indeed directly sourced – without credit – from The Diary of A Young Girl, and that proper royalty payments owed to the Frank family would have to be recalculated. The Court also ruled that any unauthorized use of the former book would make violators liable for prosecution under international law.

“I didn’t want to start any troubles,” said Flüvke. “I just wanted to write a paper, so now I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll write about Justin Bieber if I made believe he was locked up in the attic and I rescued him, which I hope never happens to him someday because I want to marry him.”

Bleek published an editorial urging citizens to burn unauthorized copies of The Diary of Anne Frank in the town square. The date of the public book burning will be set after the editor secures the necessary public fire department permits.

Severe Tree Shortage Means U.S. Forest Service Layoffs

Posted on November 20, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A nationwide tree shortage has resulted in severe cutbacks to employees of the US Forest Service.

“With fewer trees, we require fewer personnel,” said Charles Conifer, Forest Service Ranger. “I never thought things would come to this. We were never really affected by the bad economy, but this is something else, this is Mother Nature’s doing, we think.”

Changing weather patterns affect growth cycles. Some varieties of trees adapt better to changing environmental conditions, while other trees have a built-in “time clock.” Could the answer be tied in with the devastation that bee colonies have recently suffered?

Tree pollination expert Dr. Ahthea Thoone spoke at a US Forest Service luncheon last week and presented her ideas on bee colony decline and how it relates to the tree shortage crisis. “The ratio of bee colony failure coincides with the loss of trees across the northern hemisphere,” said Thoone. “I also wouldn’t rule out hoarding; that is, squirrels and other forest inhabitants securing pine cones and seeds, in reaction to their environment being taken over by land development. The data is fascinating,” she added.

The destructive force of nature also plays a part. During 2014 in California alone, over 1,400 forest fires broke out, with some wildfires larger than 50,000 acres in size. The Santa Ana Winds, nicknamed “devil winds,” fan wildfires along California’s coast, mostly during autumn and winter. When those resulting fires burn out or are extinguished, what’s left is a barren landscape, and fewer trees to take care of.

It takes about 6 years to grow a tree 8 feet tall,” said Conifer, “and during that time there’s not a lot to do but sit around and wait. We had to let people go. I couldn’t keep people on the payroll idly waiting for a forest to be repopulated,” he said.

Ironically, some of the forest personnel who lost their jobs became homeless and resorted to living in the same woods they once patrolled. “Hopefully, the cycle soon will be broken, and tree growth will return to acceptable levels. I know I certainly hope so,” said Conifer. “It’s a real tragedy. And I hate living out in the woods. They’re a nice place to patrol, but I really don’t want to live here.”

Landmark Settlement Reached In Moist Towelette Disfigurement Case

Posted on November 20, 2014 by DvanL

WHEATON, Illinois –

Like millions of Americans, Charlotte Buckner enjoys feeling fresh. Sometimes that means using a Wash’N’Wipe moist towlette when she’s traveling on the road. Unlike millions of Americans, Charlotte was recently awarded $6.4 million in damages from Wash’N’Wipe Industries.

“I rubbed myself raw,” said Charlotte, 51. “I was late for an appointment to show our new product line to some vendors.” Charlotte is product manager for a line of negative pressure ventilators, more commonly known as iron lungs. “It was very hot that day and I was dragging the ventilator in and out of my car, up and down stairways – I was so out of breath by the time I got to the last appointment, I felt like crawling in the thing myself.”

Reaching for her handy Wash’N’Wipes, Charlotte decided to “freshen up” before applying a new layer of makeup. “I wiped my face just like I always do, and I didn’t realize my Wash’N’Wipe was actually very dry. I was just so oily and sweaty. I have combination skin.”

The next thing she knew, her face felt as though it was burning. “My face felt like it was on fire,” said Buckner. “I felt burning, and looked in the mirror. I had all sorts of red and blue marks on my face and I immediately called 911. I didn’t know where the nearest hospital was, but they gave me directions. I ran in screaming. They gave me all sorts of shots and eventually the pain went away, but all the red marks were still there. I had to cancel the appointment with the vendor, and we lost the account.”

Charlotte returned home and hired a lawyer. “Originally, I was just going to sue for my hospital bills, but my attorney said ‘go for it,’ so I did. We sued for permanent damage to my face. With makeup, I can hide the scars, but I still look terrible. I frighten children now.”

Has Charlotte stopped using Wash’N’Wipes? “All I can say is that I did enjoy my Wash’N’Wipes for many years before this unfortunate incident, which impaired my ability to fulfill my business duties causing irreparable harm.”

A representative from Wash’N’Wipe Industries told Empire News that the company stands by their product and has millions of satisfied customers. “The packaging must have been damaged during shipping,” said the spokesperson.

Charlotte plans on taking an early retirement as a result of her windfall. “It’s about time I got out of the iron lung game,” she said. “Sales never bounced back since the polio vaccine was invented, so I’m going to enjoy what’s left of my disfigured life.”