Newly Published Documents Reveal Ted Cruz Is Actually Undocumented Alien From Cuba

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Early Voter Poll Shows There's 'No Way In Hell' Ted Cruz Would Get Elected President

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Recently discovered documents that were leaked to the press allegedly show that senator Ted Cruz, whose full name is Rafael Edward Cruz, was not born in Canada to American parents, as Cruz has led people to believe. According to birth certificates and hospital paperwork that was uncovered, Cruz is actually a Cuban immigrant who was born in Havana.

“Ted Cruz has always maintained that he was American. He says he was born to American parents who were working in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and that he was a dual-citizen Canadian and American,” said political pundit Joe Goldsmith. “As recent documents have disclosed, though, Rafael ‘Ted’ Cruz was born in Havana, Cuba to a woman who was a prostitute.”

According to hospital records, Cruz’s mother, whose name was not known, died during childbirth, and the baby was adopted by the Cruz family in 1970. The records indicate that Cruz’s mother was a Cuban woman who barely spoke any English. His father was listed as one out of 8 possible people, all Cuban construction workers who apparently participated in a gang-bang.

Ted Cruz could not be reached for comment.

Canadian Man Arrested For Violent Slaying Of Multiple Teenagers At Bowling Alley

VICTORIA, BC, Canada –

A Canadian man was arrested yesterday after allegedly violently murdering 7 teenagers in a Victoria bowling alley, reportedly bludgeoning some with a bowling pin, while at least one was killed via a shotgun blast to the head.

In what police are saying is the most violent, brutal death they’ve ever seen, the suspect also killed one teen by violently shoving his face into a Wax-O-Matic bowling ball waxer, causing the teen’s skin to practically melt off.

“It’s the most terrible thing I’ve seen in 27 years of being on the force,” said police chief Ryan Ellis. “We received reports that a group of teens had been allowed to enter the Bowl-O-Rama after hours by the facility’s evening janitor. Over the course of the night, our suspect meticulously killed each teen off in extremely violent, and bloody ways.”

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The scene was completely blocked off from access for reporters, but several eye-witnesses on the scene say that there may have been at least one survivor. Police indicate that they are not currently releasing any names of the victims, and that they have not been able to name the suspect, except to say that he was employed by the Bowl-O-Rama.

“The suspect we arrested was a janitor for the facility,” said Ellis. “He refuses to give us his name, and has said that he will only answer to the initials B.B.K., although we do not know if those are his initials or a pseudonym. He has indicated to us that these teens all deserved to die, but has not said why he felt this way. We are still investigating.”

Ellis says that the suspect was arrested while wearing a bowling bag over his face, a bowling shirt, and carrying several bowling pins in a homemade belt.

 

Outed Millionaire Cheater Puts $5 Million Bounty On Ashley Madison Hacker

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ONTARIO, Canada – 

An anonymous millionaire in Ontario, Canada has posted a $5 million dollar bounty on the hackers who leaked sensitive information from the website AshleyMadison.com, a website dedicated to helping married men and women have discreet hook-ups and affairs.

The millionaire, who took out full page ads in the Ontario Free Press, The New York News, and the LA Gazette, said that he was an active member of the website and, although many people are currently suing the AshleyMadison website, he felt that there was a better way of “getting justice.”

“Just because I can’t keep it in my pants, doesn’t mean that I want the world to know about it,” read the full-spread ad, included in Friday’s edition. “My name is one of over 35 million active users, and I paid for a service that was supposed to keep my name OUT of the spotlight. I’ve made enough money in my life that I can and will cum anywhere I want, whenever I want, on whoever I want, and I will do it discreetly so that my wife doesn’t take half my money in the divorce. This leak of private information is a disgrace and an outrage.”

The ad went on to say that there was a $5 million dollar ‘bounty’ to the first person who could find the hackers, and release their names publicly.

“If they’re going to go ahead and release my name, and everyone’s name, then they should be known. Anonymous is bullshit! Unless, of course, you’re trying to get your rocks off without your wife knowing. Then anonymity is everything.”

So far, all 3 major newspapers have been inundated with calls and emails asking about the purchaser of the ad, but so far, they’ve actually been able to keep all information private.

 

Canadian Prime Minister Threatens Attack On U.S.

MONTREAL, Quebec, Canada – Canadian Prime Minister Threatens Attack On U.S.

With the United States facing random threats from countries all over the world, it appears we may have overlooked our close neighbor. Officials in Canada’s war room have announced they will attack the United States if they continue to be ignored.

Reports indicate that Canada has attempted to speak with the United States, specifically with President Obama, about many different issues that they are facing. Healthcare, the war overseas, and illegal immigration are just a few. With so much on America’s lap, it appears that they have ignored they request and Canada is not happy.

“For the entire life of this country, we have been there for the United States. Whether it be as a safe haven for their draft-dodging citizens, or as folly for their comedy on South Park. A man can only be pushed to far before he begins to get angry,” said Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “We as a nation are getting a lot of backlash from the choices of the American government, and all we asked for was a sit down to discuss how we could end this. Now, we aren’t some noisy neighbors, but enough is enough! We’ve got dozens of people signing up with our military for a potential attack. We would be ready. Never count out Canada, eh!”

President Obama has yet to make an announcement about the issue, but U.S. government officials find it “adorable” that Canada thinks they could possibly stand a chance in attacking.

“Canada is our friend, and they will cool down in no time,” said former President Bill Clinton. “In no way, shape, or form do I think they are being serious about this – they just want to be heard. Canada has always been like the child who can’t get his way, and makes idle threats about ‘taking the ball and going home,’ as it were. I understand some backlash they may be getting from our troubles, but come on now. The only country more laid-back than Canada is Sweden.”

Prime Minister Harper has announced that he will give it 10 weeks before he attacks if he isn’t provided a sit-down with President Obama. “If I get all the way to the ninth week with no response, I will be forced to countdown with warnings. Nine…Nine and a half….Nine and three-quarters. The United States does not want to make us angry,” said Harper.

 

 

Congress Looks To Pass Legislation Allowing One Day Per Year That Immigrants Can Legally Cross Border Into US

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress Looks To Pass Legislation Allowing One Day Per Year That Immigrants Can Legally Cross Border Into US222

Illegal immigration has been a problem to the United States for several decades. As a nation founded my immigrants, we once welcomed people from all over the world to proudly call America their home. Now, with so many illegal immigrants sneaking into the United States, it has become more of a hot button issue than ever, further dividing the political parties.

Safeguards have been put into place to stop the rapid flow of illegal immigrants coming into America, but with all the manpower, programs, and arrests, congress says that the economy is suffering either way; If an immigrant finds their way in and maintains a job, a legal citizen is losing money. If they get caught, it takes hours of time and thousands of taxpayer dollars to make sure they are deported. A vicious circle that appeared would never end, may be meeting its fate this upcoming year.

Congress has reportedly begun work on new legislation, under which immigrants would be allowed to come to the United States without facing jail time or being deported, the caveat being that it would only be on one specific day each year, with the remainder of the year following the standard deportation laws.

Lawmakers say that their theory behind the change is that the strong workforce of  immigrants that will make it across the border one day per year can and will contribute greatly to our society. The legislation would rule that once in the United States, the aliens would register with their existing country’s identification, and be given a temporary green card, with the expectation they are able to find work, and maintain a job for at least 6 months. At the end of the 6 months, a specific form would need to be filled out by the immigrant’s employer, with information about whether or not they are considered a “vital employee.”

Lawmakers say that once the forms are filled out and checked by the state and federal governments, immigrants would be granted full citizenship. The whole process takes approximately 9 months. Immigrants who are not deemed to be of sufficient use to their employers would be deported.

 

 

Michael Jackson Seen Alive, Hiding In Canada Under Assumed Name

ONTARIO, Canada – Michael Jackson Seen Alive, Hiding In Canada Under Assumed Name

Soon after the June 2009 death of the ‘King of Pop’ Michael Jackson, a number of worldwide conspiracy theories and death hoax scenarios emerged, generated by fans who either refuse to deal in reality, or by individuals who genuinely believe that a cover-up concerning Jackson’s death took place.

Although most stories are taken about as seriously as reports of an Elvis Presley sighting at a Burger King, suspicious events in Ontario, Canada are leading many to believe that Jackson, in order to escape mounting legal problems, staged his death, assumed a second identity, and is now living in Canada under the name Alain Pontifex.

One week after reports of Jackson’s death, a mysterious newcomer moved into a small bungalow near Ontario’s Lake Doré.  According to a neighbor, a fleet of moving vans and a limousine pulled up in front of the property where a ‘pale middle-aged male’ was escorted into to the house, surrounded by what appeared to be 3 bodyguards.

Census records list Alain Pontifex as the owner of the home.  He has never been seen in public.  A small live-in staff attends to his needs.  When locals ask questions about Pontifex, the answer given by household employees is always the same: “Mr. Pontifex is a very private person.”

Jackson ‘truthers’ believe that stories of the entertainer’s ill health and frailty while rehearsing for his 2009 “This Is It” London comeback concert were all part of a disinformation campaign designed to lend credibility to Jackson’s faked death.  “Truth For MJ,” a Jackson death hoax organization with a growing membership, cites many hints leading to the logical conclusion that Alain Pontifex and Michael Jackson are one and the same person.  Group moderator MJTruthCaptainBob@yahoo.com writes:

  • Many packages delivered to the cottage are from theatrical makeup and costume companies
  • Visitors to the cottage are always privately escorted from Ottawa International Airport to the Pontifex home by staff members and shielded with umbrellas
  • The town has received a request for a permit to house exotic animals on the premises.

A former contractor hired to do “outside work” around the cottage said “I never met Mr. Pontifex, but I did hear his voice once or twice.  It did sound like Michael Jackson’s voice,” said the anonymous worker.  “I can’t swear that it was Jackson, but I got the feeling it was some famous person who wanted to hide out, and I think I heard something about them building a recording studio inside the house.”

Town officials offer no comment except to say that they respect the wishes of all members of the community.  A few Jackson truthers have attempted to visit the cottage, but have been stopped by private security.

So now, conspiracy theorists have one more plot to debunk, add to, or pick apart.  In a recent posting, MJtruthcaptainBob said, “The truth is out there and we, the world’s greatest fans of Michael Jackson will work hard to expose it.  We owe it to the greatest entertainer in the world.  He never gave up on us, and we will never give up on him,” he added.

Canada Decides They Don’t Want Hockey to be Their ‘Thing’ Anymore

OTTAWA, Canada – Canada Decides They Don't Want Hockey to be Their 'Thing' Anymore

Earlier this week, members of Canadian parliament held a press conference in Ottawa to announce that they’re sick and tired of hockey being their “thing.” Since no one really knows who they’re political leaders are, or that they even have a government, they invited their most famous celebrities, all of whom live in America, star in American films, and produce American music, to make the important announcement.

“Isn’t it ironic that Canadians are so nice but hockey is a violent sport?,” famous Canadian Alanis Morissette sang to kick off the conference. “Seriously, though,” Morissette said in a speaking voice.

“We’re cold and we’re tired and we’re really nice. Is there a sport about being really nice?,” famous Canadian Seth Rogen asked.

The suggestions Canada listed as possibilities to be their new “thing” include Helping Friends Move, Feeding Ducks, Sitting Patiently for Hours, Collecting Spoons, Taking Long Walks, Making Tiny Ships in Jars, Providing Shooting Locations for the Earlier Seasons of The X-Files, or Exporting Maple Candies.

Some Canadian celebrities even threw in suggestions of their own. “Can we steal bobsledding from the Jamaicans? It just makes more sense,” famous Canadian Ryan Gosling said. Gosling is also a strong supporter of the tiny ships in the bottles. “I’ve seen them. They’re very real and very majestic.”

Canada is the country above the United States, to the right of Alaska. Ottawa is the capital of Canada. They’ve always been really good at hockey. Some famous Canadians who also attended the conference include Avril Lavigne (advocate for Collecting Spoons), Cobie Smulders, Ryan Reynolds (advocate for Helping Friends Move), Robin Thicke, James Cameron, Rachel McAdams, Michael Cera, and Hayden Christensen (strong advocate for the unlisted thing of ‘Lots of Of Regret and Shame’). Leonardo DiCaprio attended the conference as a non-Canadian supporter of the cause to ditch hockey.

“Hockey is pretty cool and all, but Americans have made it their thing now, too,” said DiCaprio. “Let’s get Canada their own thing once again.”

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