Purina To Release Dog Food Made With Cat Meat

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catfood

ST. LOUIS, Missouri – 

Purina Brand Dog Food has announced today that they plan on releasing a new line of wet dog food that will be predominantly made of cat meats. The company, one of the largest pet food companies in the world, said that the new line is “exactly what dogs want.”

“It’s no secret that dogs and cats are natural enemies, and dogs love the taste of kitty flesh,” said Purina spokesman Ryan Shepherd. “We have made a deal with the FDA to allow the importation of cats from around the world. The animals will be euthanized safely and will be made sure to be free of diseases. Dogs will love this new product.”

According to Shepherd, the new Purina line of dog chow will be called Kitty Bits, and will also feature other mixed in meats, such as tuna and beef.

Woman Arrested On Bestiality Charges Says ‘No Man Could Satisfy’ Her

doggirl

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A woman who was arrested and charged with having “oral and vaginal sex” with two canines says that she doesn’t at all regret the acts – which she says have been happening since she was 13 – because “no man” could satisfy her needs.

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“When I was a teenager, I really wanted to have sex, but I wasn’t very attractive, and I was chunky, and all the boys just laughed at me,” said the woman, Brittany Sunny, now 20. “The one person who never laughed at me was my dog, Spot. He loved me for me. He loved me deeply, and I loved him. We started having sex when I was 13. He loved it, I loved it. After that, no man would do.”

Sunny says that Spot died a few years ago, and she fell in love with another dog, that she named Julius.

“Julius wasn’t as well endowed as Spot, but he still felt perfect,” said Sunny. “I tried dating men. I tried having sex with men. I love sex, but it’s just not the same when you’re having sex with a man. They can give you plenty, but they can’t give you everything. I just love taking the knot.”

Sunny, who is being held on $10,000 bail for animal abuse and cruelty charges, says she has “no regrets.” Lawyers for the state who are prosecuting her, say that they expect she will be placed into a mental facility to help curb her sexual proclivities.

Woman Spends Over $200k On Plastic Surgery To Look Like Her Dog

dog

BRIARVILLE, Georgia – 

A Georgia woman, Samantha Kenner, has reportedly spend nearly a quarter of a million dollars on plastic surgery in an attempt to look like her dog, Ben.

“Ben and I have been together since I was 14,” said Kenner, now 30. “He’s an old dog, but he’s loyal, and I love him to death. I wanted to look more like him to show my support and appreciation for how loving he’s been.”

Kenner says she first got the idea to have the surgeries after she watched a TV show about a man who had spent his life savings on trying to look like Superman.

“I figured that if he could do that, I could look like a dog,” said Kenner. “It started out small – a tuck here, a snip there, some fur added and other hair removed, but in the end, I think I look beautiful. And now, when Ben sees me after I come home from a long day at work, it’s way less awkward when he humps my leg, because even though I may still be mostly human, I feel way more like his bitch.”

Dumb Bitch Who Posts Picture Of Dog With Mouth Taped Shut Forced To Endure Same Punishment

katie brown

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida – 

Katie Brown, a stupid bitch who posted a picture of her dog with his mouth duct taped shut, along with the caption “This is what happens when you don’t shut up!!!” was arrested by police after the photo went viral, being shared on Facebook over a quarter of a million times, and prompting thousands of calls to local Daytona Beach police.

“We investigated, and despite her claims that she only taped the dog’s mouth for ’60 seconds’ or some such bullshit, we decided that we hated her, and that swift justice is the best justice,” said an anonymous policeman on the Daytona force. “So we snagged her up, hog-tied her, and wrapped a full roll of duct tape around her dumb, animal abusing, cunt mouth.”

Upon hearing that police had gotten involved, the internet immediately forgot how much they normally hate cops, and gave them much praise.

“I am so glad that our boys in blue took it upon themselves to treat this disgusting, haggard-looking bitch a lesson,” said Facebook user Jerome Myers. “There are certain things you don’t do in this world, and that’s hurt an animal. That poor dog deserves better, and I hope that any and all animals have been removed from that wrinkled twat’s home.”

Most people readily agree that any and all punishment that Katie Brown receives will be, frankly, not enough.

FDA Lifts Ban on Cat, Dog Meat; Agency Will Allow Use In Restaurants, Home Cooking

cat dog

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The Food and Drug Administration in Washington, D.C. has reportedly lifted an age-old ban on cat and dog meat that kept restaurants from using the ingredient in their dishes. The move comes after a petition signed by over 2 million people on change.org that pleaded with the agency to reduce its hold over delicious pet meats.

“I am so excited to hear that the FDA has lifted the ban on cat meats, as it is a delicacy, and it is delicious,” said 4th-generation Chinese restaurant owner Chow “Joseph” Han. “Those of us who have been eating and serving cat secretly for many years are breathing a massive sigh of relief in no longer having to hide our ingredients.”

According to Han, this also means that the meat that they will use will come from cleaner, safer animals.

“Because the FDA was not allowing us the use of certain meats, namely those of cats and dogs, we would have to catch strays to make sure that people didn’t know where the food came from,” said Han. “Oftentimes, those strays were mangey or dirty, and may have had rabies. Now, with the lifted ban, we can control the food, and the meat will come from clean, regulated animals.”

Cat and dog meats, which are commonly consumed in other countries, had been banned in the United States since 1904.

Giant Skull Of Unknown Creature Washes Ashore In San Fransisco Beach

sea creature

Researchers are scratching their heads over a giant skull that washed ashore on a beach in San Fransisco early yesterday morning, saying they have never seen anything like it before.

The skull, which resembles that of a canine, but measures over 10 feet long and stands over 8 feet tall, seems to be of a creature who died only within the last few years.

“This is not some prehistoric skull that washed ashore after millions of years tumbling under the waves,” said research scientist Anthony Moore. “This is a creature that died only a short while ago, probably within the last 2 years. It’s mind-boggling that there could be a creature out there of this size, and no one had seen it previously.”

Based on the size of the skull, the research team estimates that the creature, which they’re referring to as “Sandy,” would be approximately 40 to 50 feet long, and could potentially way as much as 3 killer whales.

“It’s intense, really, because if there are more of these creatures out there, they’re definitely not friendly. These teeth, they would kill most other animals in seconds flat,” said Moore. “We’re at a loss, really, for what this is or where it might have come from. It is definitely real bone, though.”

Young Man Kills Dog After It Eats His MAGIC Card Collection

Young Man Kills Dog After It Eats His MAGIC Card Collection

LEXINGTON, Georgia – 

29-year-old Paul Hunter now finds himself imprisoned after killing the family dog in a fit of rage. Paul says the dog got into his bedroom and chewed a binder full of rare Magic the Gathering Cards, worth thousands of dollars.

“Of course Shadow didn’t touch the binder full of more common rares. He went right for my foil Mox Ruby.  I had a plateau, limited edition, Ancestral Recall. When I saw they were all chewed up, I just blacked out.”

Hunter’s stepfather, Matt Smith called police after tackling Hunter and prying a metal bat from hands.

“Sick kid was basing my dog’s brains out. I couldn’t believe it. I told his mother he needed to get the hell out of the house, but of course she couldn’t make him leave- or even get a steady job for that matter. He had delusions about going pro-nerd or something. Never was gonna happen.”

Hunter explains his actions. “They were not just cards! It was not just some baseball collection. It was my future. I’ve won a bunch of tournaments at Spellbound. I was just waiting to win a qualifier, and I was going pro. Traveling the pro-circle was going to be my career. I was going to see the world.  With Magic you gotta pay to play, though, so without those cards in my arsenal, I was screwed.”

Hunter now finds himself even more screwed, facing up to two years in prison, without a soft place to land whenever he does get out. Stepfather, Matt says, “No way that psycho’s coming back into my house after this one. He’s lucky his mother even comes to visit him.”

Dog Kills Owner After Being Forced To Lick Peanut Butter From His Groin

Dog Kills Owner After Being Forced To Lick Peanut Butter From His Groin

 

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana –

Thomas May, age 46, died early Friday morning in his Baton Rouge home. May’s death was caused by his dog, in a brutal attack that neighbors are saying they aren’t at all surprised to finally see happen.

“He would leave his dog out for hours upon hours, and personally I have never seen him feed the dog or pick up any of his droppings,” said Claire Devin, who has lived next to May for 5 years. “He has had the dog for as long as I have lived here, and I did call animal control on him several times. It appears my calls never worked because I never witnessed anyone come check his home for animal cruelty. Tom was a lonely man, he never had company, and the only time I would see him was when he would came out of his home to grab his paper, always just in his underwear.”

Police found May brutally attacked in his living room, with his pants around his ankles and peanut butter covering his groin. It appears from a DNA sample that the dog was licking the peanut butter off of May before attacking his neck and killing him.

Normally, under state law, a dog that attacks has to be put down, but a judge made an exception in the case of May’s dog, who was named Taco.

“He was going to be put down, but a local family heard the story and decided to adopt the dog. I have decided to spare the dog’s life, as it is clear he was under heavy strain and probably abuse, and that is why he attacked Thomas May,” said Judge Joe Goldsmith. “The family says that they have already bonded with Taco, and that the Chihuahua has become fast friends with their children, and their other pets.”

 

 

 

Man Uses Loophole In Gay Marriage Laws To Wed German Shepherd

AUGUSTA, Maine – Man Uses Loophole In Gay Marriage Laws To Wed German Shepherd

A Maine resident, 34-year-old Charles DeMar, has discovered a loophole in his state’s gay marriage laws that have allowed him to legally wed his 2-year-old German Shepherd mix, Jake. DeMar bought Jake from a shelter a little over a year ago, and he says that they have been inseparable ever since.

“I love Jake more than I have ever loved anyone in the world,” said DeMar, a retail manager for a large big-box chain. “I’m not homosexual, myself. I’ve never really been attracted to any man or woman that I’ve known. When I adopted Jake, I was lonely. I haven’t been lonely since.”

According to the wording of laws in most states where gay marriage has been legalized, a man or woman may marry someone of the same sex, and be granted the same rights and privileges as that of heterosexual couples. The laws in Maine, which voted to legalize same-sex marriages in 2012, are worded slightly differently, allowing DeMar to legally wed his canine pal.

“In Maine, we made the mistake of saying that any male can marry another male, or female can marry female, and be granted the rights of marriage,” said David Klein, a representative for the Maine State Bar Association. “Because it does not say man and man, but rather male and male, Mr. DeMar was able to apply for and receive his marriage license at his local town hall.”

Normally, laws would also be worded to include statements about both parties being mentally fit and able to sign the marriage certificate, which is a legally binding document.

“That wasn’t the case in Maine, either,” said DeMar. “I really looked into a lot before we went through with this. I signed my name, and Jake really did put his paw into some ink and I had him step on the certificate. I think he knows that we’re married. He gave me sloppy kisses right there at the town hall in front of the notary public.”

Officials for the Maine State Attorney General say that they are working with the local and state government agencies to re-word the law as quickly as possible, before anyone else uses the loophole to wed their pets.

“This was an oversight on our part that is bringing us disturbing attention,” said Klein. “You can bet that the laws will be rescinded and changed as quickly as possible.”

“I’m just so happy that I was able to make this happen,” said DeMar. “Unfortunately, Maine state law is extremely strict on the acts of bestiality, so I refuse to elaborate on whether or not we have consummated our relationship. I will say, though, that neither myself or Jake have ever been ones to ‘follow the rules,’ if you know what I mean.”

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