Confirmed: 2017 Is The Year Jesus Returns To Earth

jesus

WASHINGTON, D.C.  – 

After centuries of speculation, Empire News can confirm that 2017 will be the year that Jesus finally returns to Earth.

Many of his followers have been waiting a lifetime for this event, and it seems it will be happening on January 1st.

“After a long 2016 filled with some of the most horrible things to ever happen, including Trump getting elected and the death of so many icons like David Bowie and Prince, Jesus Christ has decided that 2017 will be the year he returns to put right the things that have gone wrong,” said Jesus’ spokesman Joseph Moore.

Moore says that Jesus has been preparing his comeback tour for quite some time, but could not find a reason that people really and truly needed him to come back.

“Now that the world is turning upside down, he sees the time is right for his return,” said Moore. “Watch for a sign on January 1st. He says that the Times Square event will be one to remember, for sure.”

 

Mom Says Her Baby Is Reincarnation Of Jesus After Seeing Image Of Savior In Dirty Diaper

SANTA VALARTE, Mexico – 

Mary Flores claims Christ is born again, and it is her baby. She claims she has seen the sign of the Lord in her son’s dirty diaper. She immediately Snapchatted the cross of poo she found in her son’s diaper, where all her contacts proclaimed it a miracle. She has preserved the diaper in a display case, welcoming those who want to see the miracle.

Flores says, “I expect many will make a pilgrimage. Bring me gifts – I mean for my son. They will bring gifts to the baby Jesus.”

According to Flores, her first name is no coincidence. “God whispered the name Mary in my mother’s ear for a reason. He had a plan for me.”

The diaper has not yet been evaluated by anyone from the Vatican, but Flores hopes to have the Pope bless the poop.

Mother Names Baby ‘Roofie’ After How She Became Impregnated

baby

KEENE, Louisiana –

A new mother has reportedly named her son Roofie after she was apparently drugged and raped during a party. The woman, Felicia Gregory, says that during a visit to Boston College last May, she was drugged and impregnated, but that she “wouldn’t change any of it.”

“Yes, I was roofied while at a party, and that’s why I named my son Roofie,” said Gregory, 23. “He may have been born out of wedlock, which I never would have asked for. He may have born born of rape, which I never would have asked for. And he may be the by product of any one of the 17 men who had sex with me that night, which I never would have asked for, but I’m still so glad he’s mine.”

Gregory says that she never told anyone except a few close friends what happened, because she didn’t think anyone would believer her. When the baby was born, doctors were surprised that she would choose such a controversial name.

“I was originally going to just name him Rape Baby, but I thought the point might be a little to straight forward, so this was second best,” said Gregory. “My son will always be special to me, and Roofie Jesus Gregory is the love of my life.”

Religious Groups Praise ‘Krampus’ Movie, Say It ‘Puts Jesus Back Into People’s Lives’

krampus

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Several religious groups, mostly sponsored by the Catholic church, have said that they are “extremely happy” with the new film Krampus, which opened this past week in theatres around the country. Based around an old legend about an evil entity that kidnaps bad children at Christmastime, Krampus is a movie that religious groups say “puts Jesus back into people’s lives.”

“Oh yes, once you see Krampus, you will come running back to Jesus,” said Mary Joseph of the Church of Sacred Hearts in Huntsville, Alabama. “I took my entire family to see it, all the children. They screamed, cried, and were scared to death. The great thing is, afterwards, they all wanted to go to church with me. They all ran back to Jesus.”

Film executives say that they are “very happy” that Christian and Catholic groups, who normally spit on their horror-centric films, are pleased with the latest feature.

“To be honest, we were just making a scary movie, but if Catholics want to run out and see it, more power to them. It’s more money in our pockets,” said one executive. “Frankly, any time they’re not shunning our movie, the better. If this works for them, I’ll just greenlight a whole slew of Krampus films. What do I care?”

Teen Dies In ‘Scared Straight’ Haunted House Run By Christian Church

TEXARKANA, Texas – 

A young boy has reportedly died after visiting one of Texarkana’s Christian-run haunted houses. The “scared straight” haunted houses are a twist on a traditional haunted house, designed to scare people who live a life of sin into walking the path of the righteous, so that upon their death they can get into Heaven.

According to reports in the Texarkana Times, a young boy, Michael Matthews, 13, was so scared about the possibility of going to Hell, that he had a heart attack during the event.

“Our son was a good boy, but he was very scared of burning in eternal hellfire, as he should have been,” said Michael’s mother, Theresa Matthews. “He knew that he needed to walk with Jesus, but he was having a hard time doing so. He masturbated constantly. He didn’t eat his vegetables. He listened to pop music. The devil was in him, so we took him to the Hell House.”

The Hell House is one of many church-run haunted houses in the country, but the first one that was so terrifying that it actually killed someone.

“We are very saddened that our haunted house was too terrifying for one of our guests,” said church spokesman Mary Lambert. “We do design it to scare children, teens, and adults into walking to the light with Jesus. Apparently one such child was such a Hellion, that his own heart couldn’t take it.”

Lambert says that the entire church’s sympathies are with the Michael’s parents as his soul burns in the darkest corners of eternal hell.

Boy Expelled For Playing ‘Death Of Jesus’ During School Recess, Crucifying Other Students

PLAINVIEW, Texas – 

A Plainview boy was expelled from school this week after he was caught ‘crucifying’ other students during recess. According to school officials, Jacob Smith, 9, was sent home with his parents after reports that he was tying other children to sticks he’d formed in the shape of a cross, and slapping them with branches or jump ropes.

“Jacob was caught whipping other students that he’d tied to a cross, and also spitting on them and calling them names,” said school administrator Mark Jones. “Apparently, this is a game that Jacob had convinced many students to play over the last several weeks, telling them that it was ‘fun,’ and that if they didn’t play with him, they would go to hell.”

Jacob’s parents say that he is a very bright boy, and that he was just acting out the things he’d learned.

“We read the bible every day at home, and we recently learned about the crucifixion of Christ,” said Jacob’s mother, Mary. “Jacob was very excited to learn about the death of Christ, and we encouraged him to talk to play and talk with his friends. If this is what he wanted to do to explore what our Lord and Savior went through, then we stand behind him 100%.”

School officials say that several of the children received rope burns and lash marks across their bodies, and that many parents are threatening to sue Jacob’s family.

“This is why we shouldn’t have religion, and this is why it definitely shouldn’t be taught to children,” said Phil Brewer, whose son, Mike, was whipped with a jump rope for over 20 minutes before being untied. “Christ isn’t real, the Bible is just stories made up for insecure, mindless idiots. Obviously these people need to do something about their hellion of a son before he starts skinning people and wearing their flesh or something. It’s disgusting what religion has done to him…to everyone, really.”

Are You A Direct Relative Of Jesus Christ?

Are You A Direct Relative Of Jesus Christ

PROVO, Utah –

University of Christian Science math professor, Adam Gold, claims everyone is. His team has supposedly discovered an algorithm that not only proves everyone is related to Jesus, within 8 degrees of separation, but also shows which ethnic groups are more closely related.

Professor Gold says it’s all very complicated. “The layman just isn’t going to be able to fathom how this all works, so as they say, just have faith. We have factored in genetic data from around the world, including recovered DNA the Vatican paid to collect from the Shroud and other artifacts in their vault. It proves that everyone is related to Jesus. We’ve found Jews to be within one degree of relation, with anglo-saxon Europeans coming in with two to three degrees of separation on average.

Pastor Brice, of Onward Christian Soldiers Non-Denominational Church says this information may solve the crisis in the Middle East, once in for all. “Muslims and other Arab types are brothers! Once they know they are related to Jesus, chances are they will come convert once and for all.”

Radical, Ted Bundman feels this degree of separation from Christ justifies racial prejudice. “It makes the less-related groups, like Muslims and Asians harder to save. Blacks are middle of the road so there might be some hope. There’s no point in even bothering with Muslims and Asians. They’re too far removed from Christ.  We got to focus on saving our own kind, especially here in America.

Hasbro To Produce Jesus, Muhammad Action Figure Line

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island – Hasbro To Produce Jesus, Muhammad Action Figure Line

Let the battle for the heavenly kingdom begin! In a surprisingly anti-politically correct move, Hasbro has announced that they are going to begin selling Jesus and Muhammad action figures. The company says Jesus will have come in a play-set with 12 disciples, while Muhammad will come with his 9 wives.  

“We’re pretty excited and nervous at the same time,” said Hasbro CEO Charles Cummings. “We’re excited for the new product line, and because kids all over the world will be battling for heavenly victory. Jesus and Muhammad will both come with Kung-Fu grip, and there will also be plenty of accessories including, tanks, fighter planes…plus AR15’s for the disciples and AK47’s for Muhammad’s wives.”

“We’re a bit nervous about the product line, because we know it’s going offend people. We have really beefed up security at our Pawtucket headquarters. We know that having only Jesus and Muhammad represented is discriminatory. If the product line does well, we do plan on expanding the line to include Buddha and whatever the hell it is that atheists worship.” 

“It’s a rip off. Total junk – they’re just revamping GI Joe and Cobra Commander dolls,” said Carmine Classi, vintage toy collector. “I will get them, of course, when they go on sale. I’ll buy online, though, for sure. I wouldn’t feel safe going into a store that has the balls to put them on the shelves. No one is selling them yet, and that just makes me want them more.”

“So far, we can’t find anyone to sell them,” said Hasbro Marketing Executive Phil Phillips. “We really didn’t foresee this problem. Funny thing though – as it turns out, the Muslims are cool about it. Pictures of Muhammad are not cool, but action figures, I guess that’s alright. This time, it’s the religious right making all the noise to have the toys pulled. It must be the Jesus doll’s superpower of being able to turn water into grenades that’s getting them mad.”

 

Pizza Delivery Driver Who Was Given $1,300 Tip Admits He Spent It All On Weed

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana – empire news pizza delivery

Two months ago, Jerry Maynor was just an average, 20-something pizza delivery driver. That all changed on a night in October, when Maynor delivered a pizza to the Alpha Beta Delta fraternity at Indianapolis Chapel University. There, the fraternity, made up of mostly Christian students, presented Maynor with a check for over $1300, as a tip in the name of Jesus.

When the news broke, Maynor became the face of every pizza delivery driver in the country, and not unsurprisingly, applications for delivery drivers at chains such as Pizza Hut, Dominos, and even mom-and-pop pizza restaurants, when up astronomically. Everyone wanted to be the next person who would be at the receiving end of such generosity.

Once the spotlight faded on Maynor, he went back to his quiet life of delivering pizzas and getting normal, $1 and $2 tips, assuming he made it within the assigned 15 minute delivery time. Empire News reached out to Maynor during a quick break from his delivery route, where he explained how excited he was to have gotten such a big tip.

“It’s a great feeling you know, it was just amazing to get that kind of money,” said Maynor. ” I was freaking the hell out, because that’s more money than I make in two months delivering pizza, and I couldn’t wait to spend it.”

Not surprisingly, what Maynor said he spent the money on was beer, weed, and metal CDs.

“They might have given me that money in the name of the Lord, or whatever, but screw that. Once it was in my hands, that money was going straight to getting me as high as fucking possible,” laughed Maynor. “I mean shit, that amount of money can buy you a ton of weed in Indiana. I also had bought some Five Finger Death Punch CDs to listen to while delivering, and I had a little party with some friends, and bought a bunch of beer. We had an awesome time.”

Maynor says that the money might have been ‘better spent’ catching up on rent and his car payments, but that he figured since it was a tip, he could use it to have fun.

“All my tip money goes to buying bags and beer,” said Maynor. “It’s a tip, bro, it’s not my paycheck. That money goes to bills, tip money is for having fun and getting as wasted as possible. Thanks be to Jesus, or whatever, for those Christian bros over at Chapel. It was the greatest tip ever!”

 

Westboro Baptist Church Members Now Claiming ‘God Hates Jesus’

 TOPEKA, Kansas – Empire-News-Westboro-Baptist-Church-Now-Claim-God-Hates-Jesus-Christ

Westboro Baptist Church, everyone’s favorite radical religious group, are making their presence known again across the world. Apparently, even the Son of God isn’t safe from the damnation of the Westboro Baptist family, as the Phelps’ clan has said they are moving on from just protesting the funerals of soldiers, to protesting what they consider an even bigger threat – Jesus Himself.

According to the Shirley Phelps-Roper, one of the head members of the church, Heaven is a relatively empty place, reserved exclusively for the dwindling Phelps brood, dumpster kittens, and aborted babies, while the majority of people are sent to Hell for an eternal damnation.  While most consider Westboro a hate-group (they are banned from both Canada and the UK because of their protests), the Phelps family feels they are the authority on God.

Since 1991, The Westboro Baptist Church has earned themselves scores of bad publicity, protesting funerals of fallen soldiers, bullied suicide victims, and more. Signs that read “God Hates Fag-Enablers” and “Thank God For Dead Soldiers” are often held by members of the church during their pickets. While they have said they consider the American people the worst abomination in the eyes of the Lord, the second biggest offender is God’s only begotten son, Jesus.

According to the family, since his death in March of  2014, Fred Phelps has appeared in the dreams of multiple members, communicating from beyond the grave, telling them of God’s hate for Jesus.

“He’s a fag-enabling pansy. God Hates Jesus, and the only thing the Father regrets more than impregnating Mary is creating humanity in the first place.“ Said Phelps to several of his granddaughters through their dreams.

“We certainly won’t stop delivering God’s Message.” Said Phelps-Roper. “God has always hated the fags and the fag-enablers of this country. What we didn’t know until my father came to us was that he hates his only son even more.”

According to the members’ dreams, God and Jesus have been at odds over humanity for some time. While God prefers the fire and brimstone approach, Jesus is all peace and love.

When reached for comment about their new mission, Phelps-Roper screamed over everybody, repeating her rehearsed dogma, while avoiding actually answering any questions.

“Nathum 1:2, ‘The Lord is a jealous and avenging God; the Lord is avenging and wrathful.'” Said Phelps-Roper, a self-righteous smile on her face and a chorus of Westboro children chanting Jesus-Lovers Will Burn In Gay Hell behind her. “When judgement day comes, God is certainly not going to ‘turn the other cheek.'”

On July 4th, Independence Day, the Westboro Baptist Church are preparing a picket of the annual fireworks show at the White House in Washington, D.C., prepared to show the world their new chosen path against Jesus and His followers.

“Just because [Fred Phelps] has passed on doesn’t mean we will stop spreading the Gospel,” Phelps-Roper insisted. “We are hand-chosen by God to deliver this message. You have the choice to listen and repent, or perish and burn for an eternity in Hell.”

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