12-Year-Old Girl Who Didn’t Get Pony For Christmas Murders Parents While Wearing Horse Mask

horse

CARLTON, California – 

A 12-year-old girl who asked her parents to get her a pony for Christmas has been arrested for murder, after it was discovered that she stabbed and cut up her parents for not getting her what she asked for.

“I wanted a goddamn pony, and they got me a horse,” said the girl, whose name is not being revealed due to her age. “I didn’t want a fucking horse, I wanted a pony. There’s a difference, and if they’re too stupid to know it, then they’re too stupid to live.”

According to police, the young girl herself called 911 to admit to her crime, and said that they could find her parents in the “goddamn stable” next to the “diced up body of that shitty horse.”

Police Chief Carl Lewis said it was the most gruesome scene that he’d ever witnessed.

“There were horse parts and body parts all over. We really had no idea which piece was human and which was not, it was insane. That fact that this was all done by a little girl, that’s what makes it even scarier,” said Lewis. “We also found a rubber horse mask, which she apparently wore during the crime.”

Currently, the girl is being housed in an undisclosed prison by police, with plans for her to be arraigned on January 3rd. If convicted, she will be the youngest person ever put on death row.

Teen Commits Suicide After Bernie Sanders Endorses Hillary Clinton

sanderssuicide

BURLINGTON, Vermont – 

A 19-year-old college student in Vermont has reportedly hung himself in his home after his parents report that he spent two days locked in his room, watching Bernie Sanders videos on YouTube.

“Mario was a good kid, a strong boy, and he was an adamant supporter of Bernie Sanders,” said Mario Lewis’ mother, Mary. “The whole family were very proud to support Sanders, but Mario definitely took it the hardest when Bernie backed Hillary. He was in tears ever since.”

Mary says that her son was a straight-A student throughout high school, had graduated early, and was studying political science at Vermont State College.

“This is the most disturbing thing to happen in my life, and I can’t believe it was all about this stupid election,” said Mary. “I just keep telling myself that he’s in a better place, and that it doesn’t matter that he’s gone now, because come November, we’re all going to be fucked anyway.”

Teenagers Hijack School Bus During Riot

STARLIGHT, Texas – 

19 year old Jacob Hicks is in custody for seizing control of a school bus during what fellow passengers describe as a riot. Tabitha Lawrence, who was injured in the altercation says it all started when the boys in the back of the bus were told to move up front.

“They were always giving the bus driver a hard time. He put the lights on and told them to shut up and refused to go up front. I didn’t see who it was but one of them threw his boot at the driver and then it was just chaos. It was like in the movies, the last day of school when everyone throws their papers in the air and goes wild, but like if everyone just started punching each other afterward.”

At that point Jacob Hicks wrestled the bus driver out of his seat and took the wheel. Other boys threw the driver from the bus as Hicks accelerated.

The bus driver, Erwin Mathis, escaped with minor injuries. He says this incident will not end his bus driving career.

“They may steal my bus but they will never take my love of driving bus away from me.”

Teen Arrested For Threatening To Kill Parents After They Confiscate His Marijuana

BRIDGETON, Delaware –

An 18 year old high school senior, Jack Cloutier, was arrested at his school, Madison Sr. High, after his parents filed criminal charges against him. He has been accused of telling his parents he would kill them, after they found and confiscated marijuana from his room and refused to return in.

“First he started dressing in all black. Then his grades started falling. His face began breaking out, and before we knew it he was lashing out at me and his father,” said Mary Cloutier, Jack’s mother. “Of course we knew he must be on drugs, because nothing else could turn out sweet baby boy into such a monster.”

Jack was being held on charges of attempted assault and criminal threatening. His parents say that they refused to return his marijuana because they had smoked it all themselves.

Parents Sue School For Not Allowing Daughter To Wear Skinny Jeans

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GORDON, Texas – 

Parents of a 15-year-old teen are suing their local school district over their dress policy, after their daughter was sent home one day for inappropriate clothing. The school’s dress code policy requires that girls wear skirts, jumpers, frumpy jeans or “skorts.”

“My little daughter has the perfect little legs – well slightly knobby knees, but that’s not the point. If she was some chunky monkey I could understand prohibiting her from wearing skinny jeans,” said Mario Lewis, whose daughter, Samantha, was sent home for her clothing. “It would be in her own benefit. Just because some girls cannot pull them off does not mean my daughter should be punished.”

“The school is also forcing certain ideas about what it means to be a woman. If I had wanted wardrobe discrimination I would have shipped her off to some charter school where the dress code dictates she always wear dresses and be a proper lady. As a parent I made the informed decision to send her to public school where she could dress like a little skank if she saw fit. It’s my first amendment right.”

Other parents are upset, not at the ban of skinny jeans, but that it does not apply to everybody. “The gay kids get away with it,” says one father, who did not want his name used for fear saying something about gay kids made him look like a homosexual himself.

Some members of the community feel the dress code should be even stricter. Paul Acker, local resident says, “We should go back to a time when girls knew that the husband wears the pants. God’s plan for men and women is different, and not only skinny jeans but short skirts and makeup are a signal to Satan.”

New Thrill Of Shooting Air Into Rectum With Bike Pump Kills Hundreds of Teens

pump

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

“The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of Pumping”, a spokesman for the prestigious Carlson Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts, told reporters. “If this perversion catches on, it will destroy this country worse than it already is.”

John Miles, MD, was speaking after the remains of 13-year-old Charlie Richards had been brought into the hospital’s emergency room, the latest victim of the internet trend “pumping,” which began in Taiwan.

“Most ‘Pumpers’ use a standard bicycle pump,” he explained, “inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. It’s highly dangerous, and so far, we’ve seen at least 100 cases of children who were killed or severely injured from ‘pumping.'”

Charlie Richards took it further than others, and it cost him his life. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but that wasn’t exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.

Not realising how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died instantly, but passers by are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight firework display, and started clapping.

“We still haven’t located all of him,” says Police Chief Joe Whitcum. “When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like a tiny atom bomb went off or something.”

“Pumping is the devil’s pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,” Dr. Miles concluded. “Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you.”

Girl Presses Sexual Assault Charges After Unwanted Kisses From Grandpa

teen

DELUTH, Mississippi –

A 14-year-old girl is pressing charges against her grandfather after she says he gave her “cheek pinches and kisses” while he visited on her birthday last week.

“Every year, my granddad comes to my house once a year, on my birthday. He always gives me kisses on the forehead and cheek pinches, and I told him ahead of time that this year I would have friends over, and I did not want to be kissed,” said Jessica Jones, 14. “He laughed, and he must have thought I was joking when I told him, because he did it anyway. I was mortified. I had to run out of my own party.”

Jessica’s parents said that they continued with the party despite her absence, and none of her friends even seemed to notice the kissing or the cheek pinching, but Jessica still insists that her grandfather be arrested and charged with sexual assault.

“I want to show all the grown-ups out there that they can’t just touch us whenever they want, just because we’re kids, or just because we’re family,” said Jessica. “My granddad is old. It doesn’t matter that he gave me $100 in a birthday card, he still shouldn’t have touched me like that.”

Jessica says that her parents refuse to pay for a lawyer, so Jessica is using her babysitting money and hoping to find a cheap attorney.

Crips Gang Initiates First White, Suburban Teen

gunkid

LOS ANGELES, California –

The Los Angeles-based gang the Crips have taken steps to broaden their membership by adding to their roster the first white, suburban teenager to their ranks.

The teen, 17-year-old Stewart Smith, says that he is “extremely happy” to have been allowed to join the gang, and that he thinks it’s super progressive of them to let him in.

“The great thing is that I am able to go where my fellow gang members cannot,” said Smith. “For example, I am allowed to go to movie theatres, sporting events, and quiet, suburban neighborhoods without being looked at twice. It makes it a lot easier to commit crimes, because I’m white, and as all pigs know, it’s the blacks that commit the crimes.”

Smith says he’s also extremely excited that he can carry a gun, and no one will hassle him.

“In California, you can carry a gun, legally, at age 16, so no one even thinks anything of it,” said Smith. “If I was a black teen, then I’d have been shot ages ago. White privilege is a real thing, and I have to say, it’s really fucking great, too.”

Woman Sues School After Homework Causes Daughter To Have Brain Aneurysm

homework

PORTLAND, Maine – 

A Maine woman, Joleene Marques, is suing her daughter’s school, Portland High School, after the teachers’ union decided to increase the amount of homework students were given from approximately 2 hours a night, to an ungodly 9 hours per night.

“Every class that my daughter Samantha had assigned her with hours of homework. She would get home from school at 3PM, and start homework immediately, and still wouldn’t finish until after 1AM every night,” said Marques. “It was crazy. It got so bad, I admit that I had to do some of the homework for her.”

On Monday evening, Samantha, 14, reportedly collapsed and died in her home after working on homework for over 9 straight hours. Doctors say she suffered a severe brain aneurysm. Mrs. Marques is now suing the school over their increase in homework, which she says caused the stress that killed her daughter.

“High school is already a sad, pathetic joke,” said Mrs. Marques. “It doesn’t teach you nearly any real-world skills. It’s just rote memorization of dates and times and a lot of, pardon my French, shit that doesn’t at all matter. They should be teaching kids useful information, but instead, they’re killing them, literally, with bullshit.”

Mrs. Marques says she has retained a lawyer, and will be seeking damages of $50 million from the school district.

13-Year-Old Being Cyberbullied Shuts Down Computer, Goes Outside To Play

Teenager using smartphone in basketball court.

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Bobby Jennings is your average, 13-year-old teen. He enjoys hanging out with friends, going to the movies, posting on Facebook, and has a blog on Tumblr. But 2 months ago, things for Bobby changed drastically.

“I posted a funny picture of my on my Tumblr, and I immediately had a bunch of people calling me ugly, telling me I should kill myself. The hashtagged me as #yousofat, things like that,” said Bobby. “For a minute, I was upset. It got really bad, and I didn’t know what to do.”

“He was devastated that kids were making fun of him, and I didn’t know how to help him,” said Bobby’s mother, Joanne Jennings. “In my day, kids bullied you in the real world, not over the internet. Those were hard times.”

“When my mom told me she used to be bullied, and that she would come home crying every day, it made me sad,” said Bobby. “So It was then that I realized, though, that times for her were different. She was poor growing up, and she couldn’t always afford to do laundry. Sometimes the water was shut off, and she couldn’t shower. She told me all that years ago. But we’re not poor. We have a nice house. I have friends in real life. So it came to me what I should do, and I shut off the computer.”

Bobby says that ever since he shut off the computer, things have been so much better.

“I went outside to play and ride bikes with my friends. We built a tree house. It’s pretty awesome, honestly,” said Bobby. “I’ve felt so much better ever since I got off the internet. I think more kids who are being bullied online should do what I did and, you know, get offline. It’s pretty easy.”

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