Mother Of Baby Mocked By Internet Memes Says She Would ‘Kill Internet Bullies’

Posted on February 3, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HENDERSONVILLE, Texas –

Ann Meyer’s says she is wants to kill the internet bullies who are being cruel to her 4-year-old son, Jameson. He has a rare genetic disorder, causing wide set eyes and a smushed face similar to internet meme Grumpy Cat. His face was used by the internet in a cruel meme making fun of his appearance. It continues to circulate throughout social media, although Meyer has some success in getting it taken down on several occasions.

Jameson was diagnosed with Pfeiffer syndrome, also referred to as craniofacial syndrome, when he was still a baby. The rare genetic disorder impacts growth of the bones in the skull, hands and feet, and sometimes causes neurological defects. Jameson is intellectually normal, but trapped behind a face only a mother could love.

“I told Jameson, ‘we’ll kill them with kindness.’ What else can I do?” says Meyer. “Sure I’d like to whack those cruel bastards in the face with a shovel, but the internet is filled with hateful people like that. Where would I even start?”

Scouts Take Interest In 14-Month-Old Snowboarding Baby

Posted on February 3, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

Sloan Henderson can barely walk, but she is already snowboarding. Scouts are already showing interest the little athlete. Parents Katie Henderson, 29, and Zachary Henderson, 30, of North Salt Lake, Utah say they are keeping Sloan’s options open and will not be signing with anyone just yet.

Sloan had just learned to walk when parents put her on a Burton Riglet board and pulled her around their home. They received worldwide attention when they took her to slopes. The Youtube video quickly went viral.

Although her parents are turning athletic scouts away for now, they say they would welcome an endorsement. “Sloan’s an adorable baby. She’d make a great face for your snowboard, and we could use an addition on our home. Of course any money left over would go into a college fund,” says Katie Henderson.

Some are accusing the parents of abuse, saying the Henderson’s are endangering the child, especially since there are no helmets small enough to properly fit the 14 month old. Currently the helmet they have Sloan wearing is designed for a child much older, but they stuff it with rags or old t-shirts to fill in the gaps. The parents have responded by saying they wanted to develop healthy habits in their daughter. “Sitting a child in front of a TV – that’s real child abuse.”

Hillary and Bill Clinton Paid Daughter Chelsea To Have Babies

Posted on February 2, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hilary and Bill Clinton allegedly paid daughter Chelsea, 35, to start a family. Chelsea is expecting her second child. Charlotte, now 16 months old, was born in September of 2014, about a year after Chelsea received a two million dollar incentive to start a family.

Not only did Hilary and Bill want grandbabies, they thought it would look good for the campaign. “The Clinton campaign wanted Hilary to appear to be a hard politician, which they have seen in her career as senator and secretary of state, while also retaining a warm, motherly aspect. Obviously Hilary Clinton’s womb has long ago dried up, and Chelsea is far too old to be cute. Voters like babies. Two is the optimal number. This definitely helped her win the Iowa caucuses,” says campaign analyst Greg Edelman.

Chelsea’s husband, Marc Mezvinsky says even though this ended the freedom the couple once enjoyed, he is happy they decided to take the money and conceive. “I am very lucky to have my kids and such generous inlaws. Sure, we don’t have the same freedom as before, but we’re set for life. And whatever helps Hilary win is good for our family and good for the nation. Clinton for president. All hail Clinton.”

McDonald’s Suggests Eating 3 McDoubles Each Day As Part Of ‘Healthy Diet’

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

After Chick-Fil-A recently announced that they suggest people eat their chicken nuggets 3 or 4 times a day as part of a healthy diet, McDonald’s fired back that they, too, should have their food eaten as often as possible if you wish to lose weight.

“Chick-Fil-A may have nuggets, but they’re not as good as ours,” said McDonald’s spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Ours also come with fewer calories per serving, and nowhere near as much homophobia. We strive to make the best nuggets, burgers, shakes, and fries that are out there today.”

According to scientists in the McDonald’s Food Development Lab, eating at least 3 McDoubles – a staple of the restaurant’s dollar menu – each day can help to keep you “fit, healthy, and less hungry.”

“Personally, I eat at least 5 McDoubles each day, and I normally wash it down with a side of french fries and a Diet Coke,” said food researcher Myles Kenefic. “So far, eating that way, I’ve lost over 20lbs in the last 18 years. I think that definitely says something about our food, and our products, and how it can help you stay healthy in the face of adversity.”

McDonald’s say that they hope to get people onto a Mc-Diet as quickly as possible, if not for the health of their customers, but for the sake of their rapidly failing business.

Rapist Sues Woman He Assaulted After Learning She Gave Him HIV

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

John Ryan, 32, is suing Felicia Jones, 26, after contracting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in a sexual encounter. Ryan says that although he was raping Jones at the time, she should have informed him that she had the virus, and because she didn’t, he is entitled to “everything she has.”

“Just because I grabbed her off the running path in the park, took her into the woods, and raped her, doesn’t mean that she has the right to hide her disease from me,” said Ryan, who has been arrested for sexual assault in the past, although the charges were later dropped. “Because she didn’t say anything, I now have HIV, and my life is essentially ruined.”

The law in most states, including California, says that if you are a carrier of HIV or AIDs, you must inform all sexual partners beforehand, or face possible arrest and prosecution for manslaughter.

“Ms. Jones was fully able to explain to me that she had the disease, as I did not cover her mouth like I’ve done to other women in the past,” said Ryan. “I may have decked her in the mouth a few times, but a little blood is not stopping her from saying ‘hold on a minute, I have HIV.'”

Jones says that she was terrified in the situation, and that her condition was not at the forefront of her mind.

“That bastard was raping me, and telling him that I was sick probably wouldn’t have stopped him anyway,” said Jones. “I was scared, and I thought he might kill me. That’s what I was thinking about. My lawyer has advised me not to say that I think he deserves what he got, but let me just say that I’m certainly not sorry.”

Jones contracted the virus two years ago during a blood transfusion after a bad car accident.

Teen Cooks Child She Was Babysitting In Oven After Taking ‘Bad Acid’

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old teen has been arrested and charged with drug abuse and murder after she allegedly cooked a child she was babysitting in an oven. The teen claims that she didn’t do it on purpose, and that she honestly mistook the child for a turkey while she was “high on some bad acid.”

“I’m going to be honest – I was tripping balls when it happened,” said the teen, Marissa Fleming. “My boyfriend Tim and I, we just got into doing psychedelics. I’ve been tripping on mushrooms lately, and wanted to try acid. I tell you, the trip was intense and awesome, but I never even realized what I was doing when I set the over to 350.”

Fleming had been babysitting the 11-month-old toddler on the weekends since November, and the baby’s parents – who wish to remain anonymous, said that they couldn’t believe that it happened.

“Marissa is such a nice girl, and she really did love our baby,” said the mother. “[name redacted] and I, we have been together since high school, and this was our first baby after 20 years of marriage. We are definitely chilled to the bone about what happened, and extremely depressed, but at the same time, we experimented when we were her age, too, and I for one know how crazy shit gets when you’re tripping balls.”

“We don’t blame Marissa for what happened, we blame the public schools for removing the D.A.R.E. program from most areas,” said the father of the deceased child. “Marissa might have known better not to babysit on acid if she had only been able to hear it directly from the mouth of Daren The Lion. Now she has to live with this guilt for the rest of her life, and we had to get a new oven to remove the stench from the house.”

IRS Announces Massive Delays In Tax Refunds After Computer System Crash

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

As more and more people begin filing their taxes online, the IRS has reportedly gotten swamped by early-filers, causing system crashes and a work overload for employees at the bureau. According to IRS spokesman Joe Goldsmith, the issues and crashes are still being sorted, with over 20 million Americans being forced to wait for their refund checks.

“In the old days, people mailed in their returns, and they slowly trickled in, giving our employees and computer systems enough time to sort through and properly handle every W2 and return,” said Goldsmith. “With the advent of being able to file over the phone, and now online, people are getting us their tax information by the first and second week of the year, causing or systems to crash and employees to be working over 100 hours a week to get everything sorted. It’s a real and total cluster-eff.”

According to Goldsmith, the IRS has become so overwhelmed with return information already, that refunds owed will be months delayed.

“We like to be able, normally, to get people their refunds due within a few weeks, or sooner, thanks to direct deposit,” said Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, this year it appears we will end up having to manually sort through all returns manually, which will take us several months. Refunds can expect to be received starting in July or August of this year.”

Goldsmith said that he understands the frustrations that this will cause, but they want to make sure that everyone is receiving the correct refunds or paying in the proper amounts.

“I really wanted to go out and get a new big screen TV and a new snowmobile with my refund,” said Goldsmith. “I work here, and even I will be waiting several more months. That snowmobile will probably end up being a four-wheeler or a new motorcycle by the time I end up seeing the money.”

Teen Commits Suicide After Reading Fake News Story About Favorite Band Breaking Up

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, Kansas –

A 14-year-old teen has reportedly committed suicide after reading about his favorite band breaking up on a spoof entertainment news website. The teen, Mark Simpson, had reportedly read on News 14 Now! that the group, Imagine Dragons, would be breaking up following one final tour.

“We told him that the news wasn’t real, that it was definitely a hoax,” said Simpson’s mother, Tammy. “You could tell by the other articles on the website that the whole thing was fake, but Mark kept telling me how all his friends were sharing the article on Facebook, and they wouldn’t share it if it wasn’t true. He was depressed for a week; he wouldn’t even eat or leave his room.”

Mrs. Simpson says that both she and her husband tried to convince Mark to seek help from a psychiatrist, but he wouldn’t budge.

“We even went so far as to message the band directly on their social media pages, just so we could get them to say that they weren’t breaking up, and it was all a hoax,” said George Simpson, Mark’s father. “Unfortunately, by the time they responded, Mark had already died.”

Police were called by Mrs. Simpson after she found Mark dead in his room. He killed himself by turning the volume on his stereo up to the highest volume, and listening to the popular Imagine Dragons song ‘Radioactive’ on repeat with a pair of Beats By Dre headphones.

“The song was so loud, and the bass so heavy, that on repeated plays, it gave him an anuresym,” said Mrs. Simpson. “He left a note that just simply said ‘I’m sorry, I can’t take it.’ We are extremely upset, because in the end, Imagine Dragons is only okay at best, anyway.”

The band did not immediately respond to comment about the incident. Mrs. Simpson says she plans to bring a lawsuit against Facebook for allowing the fake content to be shared on its website.

State Agencies Begin Arresting People On Animal Cruelty Charges For Making Cucumber Cat-Scaring Videos

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Cats have long been the internet’s most famous animal. Whether you love or hate cats, there is a meme, a video, a picture, or a song online about cats. Over the last several months, one of the most trendy videos to make is one where you scare your cat with a cucumber. As crazy as it sounds, people love filming their felines becoming terrified as they discover the oblong shape when it is placed near them without being noticed.

PETA and the ASCPA have lobbied several states to begin tracking down and arresting people who torture their pets in this way on animal cruelty charges, as it is extremely harmful to the cat.

“When a cat is eating, he is in his safe zone. He needs to feel like that area is free from predators and harm,” said ASPCA member John Lewis. “When your cat is eating and you place a cucumber – or anything, really – behind him, and he turns around, he instantly becomes scared because he assumes it is a snake or other predator that is there to harm him. In turn, this makes cats stop eating or drinking, fearing for their safety by not returning to their food area.”

The long-term effect this has on felines have not been tested, but PETA and ASPCA say that the gag is enough to warrant arrest based on animal cruelty, and several state governments have agreed.

“Georgia, Louisiana, New Hampshire, Vermont, California, and Nebraska are just a few of the states that we have convinced to track down and arrest these animal abusers,” said Lewis. “We are all working closely with Google, as most of these people who have accounts are making money on their cat videos with Google’s AdSense service – which requires them to give a real name and address. We believe we can successfully stop people from creating these harmful videos, and show love and care to their furry feline friends.”

Pope Declares Series Of New, Damnable Sins

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ROME, Italy –

A “sin of the week” will soon be posted on the Pope’s social media accounts, causing those of the Catholic faith to have to keep up-to-date on what may send them to Hell. Upcoming sins will include voting for liberals, neglecting houseplants, and inconsiderate parking. Plans are also in the works to finally do something about ‘deviled eggs’ and high-carbon emissions, which are leading to the apocalypse.

High ranking and outspoken Cardinal Steve Jalsevec says he does not know what is going on in the Vatican, but something is terribly amiss. “I knew he was crazy when he started talking about how evolution was part of God’s plan. This finally proves it. I don’t know how his advisors are letting this happen.”

The Pope’s advisors are reported to be “having fun for once in their lives.” Publicly, the Vatican has said this is serious business.

“God has told Pope Francis his will be numbered on this planet. Before he is called Home to His Heavenly Kingdom, there is some business he must attend to. The Sin-A-Week plan will ensure he has time to take care of all the issues that are important to him.”