Justin Bieber Records Cover of 90s Hit ‘Macarena’

Posted on January 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Simultaneously beloved and despised, Los Del Rio’s hit Macarena will soon be back on the radio, resurrected by none other than Justin Bieber. The “musician” says when he learned what it was really about, he knew right away he would have to cover it.

Co-producer Steve James says when Bieber saw the translation he went wild over the song all over again. The song’s lyrics include, “Give your body joy” and tell of a girl who’s stepping out on her man, Vittorio.

Bieber explains, “It’s about a really thirsty girl. She wants it bad. This hits going to be sick, sick like the plague, girl.”

The “musician” says he has been looking for just the right 90s song to cover. He considered both NSync and Spice Girls hits, but nothing ever got off the ground. “I’m a real 90s kid. That’s the music I was raised on,” says Justin, who was born in 1994 and doesn’t understand that really makes him a 2000s kid, not a 90s kid.

Beliebers everywhere are excited, eager for any fresh track released by their Lord and savior, Justin “Jesus” Bieber.

Bill Murray Says He Defecated On Hillary Clinton’s Limousine

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLESTON, North Carolina –

No one expected Bill Murray to throw his hat in the ring for president, but last week, the 65-year-old comedian and actor made his intentions known officially, assuring everyone he is completely serious and interested in winning the 2016 election.

Unfortunately, immediately following his announcement that he was campaigning, a damning video surfaced of the actor on major news websites, showing him defecating on Hillary Clinton’s motorcade.

“It’s not like I was taking a dump on the American flag or anything,” Murray said, admitting to news outlets that what they had seen in the video was true. “It was just the Clinton limousine. Who cares? I had been thinking about doing that for a while now. It just seemed right. I’d never do that to Bernie Sanders, though. He seems like a decent guy. The rest of them are just scum.”

Murray’s representatives later retracted the statement, saying that Murray’s admission of guilt was a joke and made tongue-in-cheek. They denied any involvement, and attributed the incident to a lookalike.

Ice-T Trademarks Name, Sues Snapple and Arizona Over Infringement

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Rapper and actor Ice-T has reportedly trademarked his moniker with the intention of suing major companies who infringe upon the mark with their products. Ice-T, whose real name is Tracy Marrow, says that he has been referring to himself after the tasty summer beverage longer than many companies have been selling the drink.

“Ice-T, Ice Tea, Iced Tea – it doesn’t matter what you call it or how you spell it, the name is the same, and these companies are infringing on my mark,” said the entertainer, who is perhaps best known for his song “Cop Killer” and for playing a police detective on TV on Law and Order: SVU. “I don’t really need the money, but I also don’t want companies shilling a product that I haven’t put my stamp on. Frankly, I don’t like iced tea that much, and I’d rather them call it something else.”

T has reportedly met with lawyers for companies such as Snapple and Arizona in hopes that a settlement can be reached without going to court.

“I don’t want these companies to go out of business or anything, I just want them to change the name of the product to something else, and let me be the only T, or tea, that’s around,” said Ice-T. “I’ve made a few suggestions, such as ‘sugary shit’ and ‘lemony liquid’ that they could go by, either of which I think would easily catch on with people who like to drink that stuff.”

Representatives for Snapple could not be reached for comment.

Judge Releases Steven Avery From Prison After Realizing He’s Not Black

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MANITOWOC COUNTY, Wisconsin –

After looking over the case of Steven Avery, the man who spent 18 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit before being exonerated and then re-arrested on separate murder charges, Judge Joe Goldsmith has said he will sign for the release of Avery, after determining that he was not, in fact, black.

“In is a grave miscarriage of justice when a man who is not a minority is treated with such loathe and disrespect by the American Judicial System and by police and government agencies,” said Judge Goldsmith. “When the case was brought to my attention, and the facts presented to me, I naturally assumed that he must be guilty, but that – based on harassment he’s received over the years from law enforcement – that he must also be black. Imagine my shock when I started watching Making a Murderer on Netflix, and discovered that Steven Avery is a white man.”

Goldsmith says that he plans to discuss the case with prosecutors in Manitowoc County, who may bring charges on local officers guilty of harassing a man who does not fit the “minority minimums” for legal and allowed police harassment.

“Steven Avery is way, way too white to be receiving such mistreatment, and as such, he will be released in the coming weeks with a full pardon,” said Avery’s law team. “We are extremely grateful for Judge Goldsmith’s swift hand of justice, and we look forward to the trials of police who are guilty of giving a white man a bum deal.”

Idiot Arrested After Burning Toddler In Stupid, Tragic Accident

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ONTARIO, Canada –

Troy Allen, 27, was arrested for criminal negligence after throwing motor oil in a fire, which exploded and severely burned a nearby toddler. Allen says he had changed the oil in his truck earlier that week and needed to get rid of it.

“I thought – what better way to get rid of it? I didn’t know my nephew was behind me. He’d been put to bed as far as I knew,” said Allen. “I don’t know why everyone is giving me shit over this. He’s not my kid. Besides, I got plenty burned too, and he’s a lot younger than me. His body will heal and his skin will bounce right back.”

Responding officer Bill Parker said, “People do stupid things like that all the time around here. Unfortunately this time there were tragic consequences, as little Evan Williams was burned severely.”

The 2-year-old boy, Evan Williams, received third degree burns over most of his chest and face, and remains in critical condition at a local hospital. The mother of the toddler will also be charged with negligence as she told police “she was a little drunk” and did not know her boy was out of bed.

Gwen Stefani To Give Up Sex In Exchange For Shoes

Posted on January 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

After finding incrementing text messages between Blake Sheldon and his ex, Miranda Lambert, Gwen Stefani says she is done with men. She recently tweeted to fans, “Shoes are so much better than sex.”

She later tweeted that she had gotten a steal on some gold Giuseppe Zanotti sneakers with vibrating soles. Although some say she is just using shoes as a distraction to forget her heartbreak, her shoe fetish may have, in fact, negatively affected her relationship to begin with.

Stefani’s now ex-boyfriend, Shelden, has told Source Magazine that Gwen’s shoe fetish was something that always came between them. “Hey – nothing was going on between me and Miranda, but I may have asked her for some advice. Gwen would demand we have sex in her shoe closet. It was uncomfortable! Or she’d stop riding me to change shoes. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes when she got off. She’d stare at her Busemis. It was tragically bad. I should have know that I’d end up her ex-boyfriend.”

‘Labyrinth’ Reboot To Use CGI Version of David Bowie As Star

Posted on January 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Last week, Tri-Star Pictures announced that they would be working with Jim Henson Co. to create a reboot of the 80s classic film Labyrinth, which starred Jennifer Connelly and the late David Bowie. In the film, Connelly’s character wishes that her baby brother would be taken away by the Goblin King, played by Bowie.

“The original is such a classic staple of many people’s lives,” said Tri-Star CEO Joel Briggs. “We want to recreate that magic again, but without someone as amazing and…regal as David Bowie to play Jarreth the Goblin King, we weren’t sure we wanted to go ahead with our planned reboot.”

Briggs says that after discussing it with the studio’s in-house effects department, they have decided that the best course of action is to re-create Bowie’s original character using CGI special effects.

“No one could pull of playing that part in the way that Bowie did, and at this point, we don’t want to spend years searching for something we know we can’t find,” said Briggs. “We’ve come to an agreement with the Henson company that we will be digitally creating David Bowie as Jarreth for the reboot of the Labyrinth film.”

“I think it’s an amazing idea, because they’re right – no one could play that part like Bowie did,” said Donnie Lewis, a production gaffer who was hired to work on the new film. “I grew up with that film, with those characters, and no one could have the grace or magic that David Bowie had. No one. He was the ultimate superstar.”

Tide Detergent Counterfeiting Ring Seemingly Unstoppable

Posted on January 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Inner-city gangs have branched out from dealing in crack and heroin. Tide liquid detergent is now one of the hottest commodities on the streets. Many drug dealers now accept Tide as payment, encouraging shoplifters to load up carts of detergent and flee from stores. Others pay small amounts for new-looking tide bottles, which they can fill with generic detergent and resell on the black market.

Shanice Williams says most women she knows would not be caught dead at the laundromat with anything other than Tide detergent. “It’s a status thing. Tide’s classy. Don’t matter if it’s a knockoff as long as it’s blue cause they aint gonna stick their noses up in your laundry. Me though, I only use the real thing, and two cap fulls – ’cause I like my drawers smelling fresh. You gotta watch it though. Bitches will run off with your bottle if you turn your back for even a second. I even seen bitches getting stabbed for they Tide.”

Knock-off bottles are flooding the streets on Compton, Detroit, New York City, and even Des Moines. The FBI says the counterfeiting ring is difficult to stop. Not only are small-timers filling bottles with generic detergent at the local level, but thousands of counterfeit bottles are making their way into the United States from China.

“This is one of the most difficult cases I’ve ever handled as a detective,” said policeman George Lawson. “I have been working with my team tirelessly to get the Tide rings under control. Not being able to do so in a reasonable amount of time has been a real stain on my career.”

Source of Kanye West’s Talent Discovered

Posted on January 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rapper and producer Kayne West says he did not realize it until recently, but his music did not get “good” until after a car accident that caused him to suffer a mild traumatic brain injury. In 2002, Kayne’s music was still relatively unpopular, when he was cut off in traffic, causing him to crash his rented Lexus into a fence.

Kayne says he thanks God for that night every waking day of his life. “God works in mysterious ways. My jaw was wired shut, which gave me a chance to shut up for a minute and hear what He was trying to tell me; and what He was trying to tell me is that I’m a God among men, and I should show the world how talented I am through new music, no matter how bad or retarded it may sound.”

The effects of the traumatic brain injury can clearly be heard in his subsequent tracks. Former friend Whoo Kid says, “Yeah he sounded a little slow, but people kept kissing his ass anyway, saying how brave he was. Boy got even cockier after that crash man. He still sounds a little slow, but that’s just part of his sound now.”

Colorado Couple ‘Clambakes’ Baby To Treat Colic

Posted on January 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.

Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”

Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.