Classic Sitcom Talking Horse ‘Mr. Ed’ Disappears From Taxidermy Museum

Posted on August 19, 2014 by DvanL

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The verse A horse is a horse, of course, of course… brings back memories for millions of fans of the classic television comedy Mr. Ed, which aired its last episode in 1966, after a six-season run. The series stretched the imaginations of viewers to the limit by featuring a talking horse in the title role.

It may have been one of those uber-fans who recently had a hand in stealing Mr. Ed, as well. The corpse of the horse was allegedly stolen from “Hey! I’m Stuffed,” a museum dedicated to preserving famous memorabilia associated with famous and much-loved Hollywood animal performers.

Mr. Ed, whose actual name was Bamboo Harvester, was euthanized in 1970 at the age of 19. Soon after, Ed’s trainer, Les Hilton, employed the services of Bud Friscoe, “Taxidermist To The Stars,” to prepare the horse for display.

Museum Curator Margaret Winborne acquired Ed in 1976 and was met with an empty corner of her gallery when she opened for business last Monday. “I didn’t notice right away because I was going on about my business like always,” said the stylish 70-year-old Winborne. “I’ve operated the museum since 1969 and I screamed out loud right there in my tracks.”

Sgt. Adam Rendell led the investigation into the case of the missing horse. “This is the strangest act of burglary that I’ve ever seen,” he stated. “It’s not like anyone could just ride him out of here.”

Winborne has no idea who could have taken the horse, as no sign of forced entry was visible. “It’s just me, my husband, and our son who have a key, and they locked up last Saturday night and everything was normal,” she said. “There was a little money in the donation basket right there next to Gidget, the Taco Bell dog, and that wasn’t stolen, so we’re at a complete loss. I got a lock of Trigger’s tail in a glass case right out in the open, and nobody wanted to touch that.” Trigger was the famous horse owned by beloved singing cowboy stars Roy Rogers, and his wife, Dale Evans. “Why anyone would steal a horse on a Sunday is beyond me,” said Winborne.

Fans from around the world have expressed sadness and shock. Twitter user ColeMason tweeted: sad to hear the news #LongLiveMr.Ed #MrEdForever #EternalHorse.

Franklin Baranski, Facebook user and self-described Mr. Ed “superfan” posted a heartfelt message expressing the feelings of many who have offered their messages of support to Winborne and the “Hey! I’m Stuffed” staff.

"News of this horrible, horrible crime has broken my spirit and almost made me lose total faith in humans.  Why someone should steal and desecrate the precious memory of a great Hollywood animal star such as Mr. Ed I will never be able to understand.  Mr. Ed brought joy to millions, and his loss the first time around was hard enough. This loss is even more heartbreaking. We will pray for his safe return to the Hey, I'm Stuffed! gallery."

Sgt. Rendell suggested that Mrs. Winborne check local garage sales and antique houses. “Other than that,” he said, “we’ve asked anyone with information contact us. We still have to decide on a steady course of action for this one.”

‘Road Rager’ Dislocates Middle Finger, Files Lawsuit Against Woman Who Cut Him Off

Posted on August 17, 2014 by DvanL

AVON, Massachusetts –

Massachusetts fitness trainer Ed “Brick” Malone is at the center of possibly the most unique court case in the state’s recent history.

Last Friday, during a Norfolk County traffic court hearing, Malone admitted, “I friggin’ lost it. I’m driving home from the gym, this jerk almost sideswipes me, so then I flip him off like everybody else would. So then all of a sudden my middle finger gets stuck – I can’t get my finger back down. Now I’m the bad guy? I don’t think so, son.”

“The injury to the patient’s finger is stress related,” said Dr. Bruno Arujo, of Good Samaritan Medical Center, located in nearby Brockton. “Once we corrected the dislocation issue, I found that there was no actual physical damage; however, the surrounding muscles and tendons around Mr. Malone’s middle finger had seized up.”

The condition is categorized as ‘Repetitive Stress Malady.’ “We can’t force Mr. Malone’s finger back to its natural resting position until the muscles ‘decide’ to relax on their own,” Dr. Arujo told the court. “Based on how many times he told me he’s flipped off drivers in the past, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before.”

The target of Malone’s anger, 30-year-old Sondra Houlk testified, “First of all, I’m not a guy. I don’t have the typical ‘girly-girl’ look, but no big deal, because the main thing is I didn’t cut anybody off, and I didn’t sideswipe anybody like he said. I signaled, and I looked over, and I thought he waved me through, but I guess he was really giving me the finger, and that’s what happened.”

“I need to use my entire hand to do my fitness trainings,” said Malone. “I can’t go around town looking like I’m telling everyone to go f— off. Oh – sorry for my bad language, your honor,” said Malone,” accidentally offering the judge the ‘one finger salute.’

Malone is suing for loss of income and defamation of character. “The doctor said he couldn’t help me because of my muscle, so there goes my clients! Somebody should pay and it should be that guy who cut me off,” he said. When reminded by the court that Houlk was female, Malone replied, “I don’t think so, son.”

Malone’s public defender, Susan McCarthy, later spoke to reporters gathered outside the courtroom. “Mr. Malone is the victim here. He was provoked and he reacted in what admittedly was not the best way at the time, but almost every single American driver on the road has flipped someone the bird when ‘road rage’ sets in. Mr. Malone did legitimately fear for his life and for his safety. The traumatic result is that he cannot return to full enjoyment of his life and his profession. I’m confident that we will prevail.”

“I just want my finger to go back down to normal,” said Malone. “I don’t like this at all ‘cause now I walk around town looking like I’m flipping everybody off. I don’t think so son,” he added. “Sometimes I forget about it, like yesterday when I went out to get the paper. I wave to my neighbor, and she tells me to go to hell, and then she slams the door.”

A civil hearing is scheduled to begin next month.

Actress Betty White, 92, Diagnosed With Hookworms

Posted on August 15, 2014 by DvanL

BURBANK, California –

Comedic legend Betty White, currently starring in the TVLand sitcom Hot in Cleveland, received a diagnosis of hookworm infection after complaining of discomfort during a recent taping of the show.

“I had some stomach pains and was running a fever,” said White, during a break from rehearsal. The actress portrays Elke Ostrovsky, owner of a house shared by 40-something best friends Melanie (Valerie Bertinelli), Joy (Jane Leeves) and Victoria (Wendie Malick). “I’m usually healthy as a hog,” White added.

The diagnosis caught White by surprise. “I turned to my doctor and said ‘You’ve got to be pulling my leg. Are you sure you’re not a vet?’ My dogs get hookworm. Now this is just what I need — how much do you want to bet my co-stars start referring to me as ‘that old bitch?’” joked the tart-tongued White.

“You can’t get hookworm from petting your dog,” said Dr. Morris Fine of Harvard Medical School in Cambridge, MA. “Miss White probably came in contact with soil or grass that contained hookworm larvae or eggs,” he added. “That shows she cleans up after her pets. I’m not surprised, I know she’s an animal lover.”

White’s television career began in the 1950s after success as a radio singer and actress. One of television’s first female producers, White’s first show, Life With Elizabeth, aired from 1952-1955. Frequent guest appearances on variety and game shows established White’s decades-long popularity. Her role as man-chaser and ‘Happy Homemaker’ Sue Ann Nivens on The Mary Tyler Moore Show earned the actress two Emmy nominations and one win. In the 80’s and early 90s, she played lovable dullard Rose Nylund on the hit TV series The Golden Girls, which garnered her several more Emmy nominations and wins.

Not surprisingly, White was back at work after one day’s rest.

“She’s healthier than all of us put together,” said co-star Wendie Malick. “She’s a work-horse of a woman. I really admire her.”

Treatment for hookworm disease generally involves a round of medication lasting one to three days. Iron supplements are often prescribed, as anemia sometimes occurs as a result of the condition.

“I’m just glad that it wasn’t something worse,” remarked White. “Can you imagine if it had been fleas, instead?!”

Police Accidentally Fire Laughing Gas at Ferguson, MO Protesters

Posted on August 15, 2014 by DvanL

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Amidst rising tensions and violence stemming from the police shooting and subsequent death of unarmed African American teenager Michael Brown comes an unintended moment of unplanned and ill-timed levity.

Members of the Ferguson police department used incorrectly labeled canisters of nitrous oxide, more commonly known as ‘laughing gas’ against a crowd of demonstrators assembled for a peaceful protest.

At an evening press conference during the melee, Chief of police Thomas Jackson remarked, “In our haste to assess and control the situation and to clear the immediate and surrounding vicinity, several of our officers utilized the wrong supply of materials.”

Stifling a bout of laughter, Jackson continued, “They grabbed the … they grabbed the wrong cans!” After several minutes, Jackson regained his composure and continued. “Now is the time for law, order, and peace to return to our community. We ask for everyone’s cooperation.” Jackson hurriedly exited the press conference to assume command of the police operation, covering his mouth as he left.

Nitrous oxide is a sedative agent and its use is standard practice during dentistry procedures. Often, feelings of calm and light-headedness result from exposure to the gas, with some individuals expressing giddiness and euphoria.

The August 9^th shooting of an allegedly unarmed Michael Brown, 18, by police officer Darren Wilson under still-conflicting circumstances, has ignited a nationwide firestorm and initiated coast-to-coast discussions on issues involving race relations, militarization of local police departments, and questions of reasonable force when subduing and dispersing public gatherings.

Huffington Post reporter Gayle Jacobsen, an early online presence since the outbreak of the conflict struggled through her coverage of events:

This is the most … tragic and surreal … event that I have never … that I have ever been here to … excuse me a minute, my … my eyes are watering … This is the most water… I mean this is … the most excessive use of … the use of farce … no, I mean force … Oh, Jeez … let me start again … this is the most [unintelligible] … tonight’s level of gas is the worst one thing and … all the bystanders who were standing in the … by the … the gathering of the … gathering for the … the … [unintelligible]

Other eyewitnesses have reported seeing several officers dancing atop heavily armored vehicles and indiscriminately firing weapons into the air.

President Obama interrupted his vacation on Martha’s Vineyard to hold an impromptu press conference to comment on the situation and ask for calm, while Missouri Governor Jay Nixon appealed to religious leaders for peace.

FDA Recalls Imported Honey Made From High Fructose Corn Syrup and Epoxy

Posted on August 14, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Food and Drug Administration issued an immediate recall for a large shipment of honey imported from Mainland China that claims to contain ‘100% pure, delicious and natural honey,’ but is actually a mixture of high fructose corn syrup, petroleum-based solvents, resin, and artificial coloring and flavorings.

Marketed under the brand Tasty Swarm Honey, the product is said to cause immediate stomach distress and discomfort, with several people who’ve sampled the product saying they instantly felt sick. At least one person was hospitalized with food poisoning after consuming the honey.

Adding sweeteners to honey is an FDA-approved manufacturing process. Any honey product that is not labeled ‘100% Pure’ is allowed to contain additives, sweeteners, and extenders. Due to questions concerning possible adverse health effects, high fructose corn syrup, or HFCS, has come under increased scrutiny and examination over the years. Derived from converted cornstarch and cheaper to produce than refined sugar, it has dominated the worldwide sweetener market in recent years.

“With this particular product, it’s not a question of the quantity or quality of the artificial ingredients that were added,” said FDA Quality Control Officer Barbara Temple, “because the entire composition is artificial. There’s absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. Consuming this product could result in severe illness. In fact, there’s no way anyone could have possibly eaten this without having gotten violently ill. You’d be better off literally eating granulated sugar straight out of the bag by the spoon full.”

A routine FDA inquiry examining purity and quality standards of imported food items prompted an investigation and detailed analysis into the manufacturer’s products and practices.

“Recently,” said Temple, “we were informed that the Tasty Swarm company also manufactures epoxy, bathroom grout, industrial lubricants, glue, nail polish remover, and fabric softener, so our inspections were significantly stepped up after that discovery. We actually used their honey to repair a broken ceramic tile in our company bathroom, and it’s holding on strong. I wouldn’t advise eating it, or adding it to your morning tea.”

“Curiously, the company also manufactures cheese and canned soup,” continued Temple. “When we tested those products for contaminants, they were found to be top-notch – and completely delicious. It’s just this honey that they’re really getting wrong. It’s a sticky mess for Tasty Swarm, that’s for sure.”

“I ate most of the jar before I really started feeling sick,” said Joe Goldsmith, who was hospitalized with symptoms of food poisoning after eating Tasty Swarm. “I like to take honey and just pour it into a glass and sort of slurp it down with a straw. I got the honey at a local closeout discount store, but it was still in date, so I figured it would be okay. Actually, now that I think about it, the date said it didn’t expire until sometime in 2035.”

Retail store chains recalling the product from shelves include Albertson’s, Big M, Food City, and Publix. Tasty Swarm could not be reached for further comment, but a statement from a company representative said they would be “really surprised” if there were any problems with the honey, and that even Winnie The Pooh himself would be ecstatic to get stuck in a jar of their product.

Deaf, Mute Couple ‘Too Loud’ For Amtrak’s Quiet Car

Posted on August 13, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, DC –

Amtrak Conductor Charlene Roberts thought she was the victim of an insensitive prank when a commuter on the train’s popular Northeast Corridor route made an unexpected complaint.

Traveling from Washington to New York aboard Amtrak’s high speed Acela Express, attorney Bettina Corning complained to Roberts that the couple seated behind her on the train’s ‘Quiet Car’ were making too much noise. The couple seated behind Corning happened to be both mute and deaf.

“I’m a very busy attorney, and I had a lot of important briefs to compile for very important clients that I have,” explained Corning from her office in Midtown Manhattan.

‘Quiet’ cars on Amtrak trains were introduced over a decade ago at the request of customers wishing to commute without the usual distractions that accompany train travel – cell phone conversations topping the list. Growing popularity has led many regional and commuter rail lines to add quiet cars to their standard routes.

“The quiet car is there for a reason, and I shouldn’t have been inconvenienced,” said Corning. When informed that the couple she had complained about were deaf mutes, she replied, “That’s another issue and doesn’t have anything to do with what Amtrak offers and what I pay for. I lost valuable time and I consider the matter closed.”

“Many deaf people vocalize,” said Dr. Franklin McLogan, of New York’s Health Care Partnership for the Deaf. “It depends on the individual. If deafness has begun in childhood where speech is at an early or evolving stage, some vocalization based on that level of development may take place. These individuals though, also happened to be mute. So it’s really a wonder what kind of noise they could have been making on the Quiet Car that got another passenger so worked up.”

“Personally and professionally,” conductor Roberts recalled, “I thought it was wrong for her to ask me to move the couple, because they weren’t being loud in any way, shape, or form. I always check the volume level of my cars, and remind customers to speak with ‘library voices’ if I feel they are distracting others. Apparently the couple were signing to each other too loudly? I have no idea what Miss Corning’s problem was, except to say that it’s possible she’s just a heinous bitch. That, by the way, is my professional opinion of someone who works with the public on a daily basis, not that of the Amtrak company itself.”

The couple seated in back of Corning, Bill and Susan Welch, commented through an interpreter. “We didn’t know why the lady in front of us was upset. We were surprised when we found out it was because of us. The conductor was very polite and apologized, but she didn’t have to. It wasn’t necessary. We never had any problems traveling before. We’ll continue to ride quietly in the Amtrak Quiet Cars and hopefully other people just ignore us, just as we do them.”

All three customers were issued courtesy travel vouchers to be applied toward future trips.

Obama Drains Martha’s Vineyard Pond To Retrieve Commemorative Golf Ball

Posted on August 13, 2014 by DvanL

OAK BLUFFS, Massachusetts –

Day 5 of President Barack Obama’s annual vacation to the resort island community of Martha’s Vineyard was met with dismay and controversy, when a fresh-water pond was drained so that a commemorative golf ball could be retrieved.

During an early round of play at the exclusive Farm Neck Golf Club located in the town of Oak Bluffs, an unidentified member of the President’s entourage hit a ball into a pond facing the eastern edge of the course. The water hazard is located above a natural aquifer made up of sand and gravel, and serves as an essential ground water filter.

Cal Silva, Environmental Quality Officer for Dukes County remarked, “The natural purifying system provided by the aquifer is indispensable for proper environmental balance, not only for this locale, but also for the entire Island. We learned today that the pond was drained by executive order without our consent. A homeowner whose property abuts the golf course informed me when he noticed that dredging of the pond had started, and quite honestly, I was shocked. The health and well-being of local shellfish and wildlife may very well be severely compromised due to this,” added Silva.

Reaction spread quickly throughout this closely-knit community, made up of year-rounders, summer residents, and day-trippers. Cafe owner Suzanne North expressed a commonly shared opinion.

“This the kind of place where you leave things the way you found them, especially when it comes to nature. It’s unfathomable to me how this was allowed to happen, and all for a golf ball? This is one of the few places left where people can share something special. A lot of my regulars are very upset about it.”

Cafe patron Roland Sanders commented, “They [the President and his family] keep a pretty low profile around here normally, except for when they come in town to one of the restaurants. You wouldn’t hardly know they’re here until the whole Secret Service shows up and whatnot, so that’s pretty exciting because you know he’s close by. But this thing with the pond has made a lot of people a little uncomfortable now. It’s like they took charge all of a sudden and changed the way things work without first thinking about the Vineyard or asking anybody.”

Not everyone in the town was as upset at the situation as Sanders, though. Several avid golfers from the area say they completely understood losing a ball in that water trap.

“I’ve golfed at Farm Neck many, many times,” said resident Henry Bellows. “I’ve lost countless balls to that pond. If I had the power to have it drained to get them back, I would have. Now that it’s happened, though, I am tempted to sneak down there with a bucket and pick up some free balls.”

Quality officer Silva expressed optimism that the natural balance could be restored if enough rainfall replenishes the now drained wetland.

“Nature has a way of taking care of itself. Already there are a number of birds who are feeding at the marshland that was created by this event, so that’s a benefit in a strange way which we’ve not been able to observe before. I can only hope for the best, but my office will be meeting with the President’s staff and I’ve personally requested a meeting with the head of the EPA. She’s a New Englander, so I know she understands the island and how strongly we feel about this.”

According to reports, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy, a Greater Boston area resident, would soon be traveling to the island, located 4 miles from the Massachusetts coastline. President Obama would not comment on the incident, but a representative from the White House said that the environment has always been important to the President and his family.

“This was a really important golf ball, though,” he added. “One of a kind. In case you are wondering, we were able to retrieve the ball after draining the pond, so it was not a total loss.”

Fake Wal-Mart Greeter Arrested For Soliciting Sex To Customers

Posted on August 12, 2014 by DvanL

NORMAN, Oklahoma –

One Walmart Supercenter in Norman, Oklahoma lists a pharmacy, grocery, garden department, tire & lube facility, and a photo center as part of its store services. A local sting operation revealed another, unauthorized service being offered — prostitution.

Posing as a store greeter, retired school counselor Marvin Reading, 67, of nearby Weatherford, was arrested last week and formally charged with “false representation, tresspassing, public lewdness, pandering, and commercial sex solicitation.”

“I came into the store,” said Dottie Forbes, regular customer at the supercenter, “and this man hands me a card and says ‘Welcome to Walmart.’ It was strange, because I thought Walmart got rid of all the greeters some time ago.”

The multinational retail chain, which has become synonymous with bargain prices, had in fact, ended its store greeter program in 2012.

“The card had his name and number on it,” recalled Forbes. “‘Turn the card over,’ he told me, and when I did, I saw all these things written down with numbers there on the back. I thought it was for the daily store specials and I said ‘thank you’ and didn’t think anything about it, so I put the card down in my bag because I had to get things for my grandson’s birthday. I had lots to do that day and was running late.”

It wasn’t until after the grandmother of 3 returned home, that she took a closer look at the card that Reading had given her. “It had all sorts of words there, things I’d never heard of before and didn’t know what they meant until I went on the Internet to look them up. I became disgusted!” Mrs. Forbes returned to the store and demanded to speak to the manager.

Supercenter manager Travis Andrews met with Forbes. “She was really upset and said she felt disgusted. I don’t blame her because some of the things [Reading] wrote down there were inappropriate for an older person. He had things there like “Cleveland Steamer” and “North Pole” written on the card, with a price list for each thing, and a room number and address to the motel where he was staying. I didn’t know what to do since I didn’t see him at the store, so I called the police,” Andrews recalled.

Plainclothes officer Marie Tilford made the arrest after Reading “greeted” her with another highly personalized card the following day. “I think he must have gotten wind of something, because that first day I showed up he didn’t come in. He was pretty bold, I’ll give him that much, because the next day he came back wearing a blue vest and sunglasses, and that’s when we got him.”

“I was desperate for some extra money,” said Reading. “I couldn’t get by on just my social security because of the economy and that’s the thing I decided to do. It worked once before when I was near a shopping mall in Oak City, so I thought out here would be safer. Not so many police and such, and lots of older ladies who might want some companionship.”

A statement released by Walmart regarding the incident read in part:

“Management was made aware of an event in which an individual unaffiliated with Walmart was arrested for illegal activities which go against the traditional values that Walmart represents. Walmart is fully cooperating with authorities.”

Reading was taken to a local prison where he awaits transfer to Parker County Jail.

Librarian Hospitalized After ‘Book Burning’ Incident Destroys Library

Posted on August 12, 2014 by DvanL

ZANESVILLE, Ohio –

Norma Garrison has been in charge of The Muskingum County Public Library in Zanesville, Ohio since 1974. “Education and culture are the most important gifts we can give our young people — within limits,” said Garrison from her hospital bed. The 62-year-old librarian is recovering from severe 3^rd degree burns suffered as the result of a fire authorities say she herself set in the library, trying to burn books she found unsuitable for public viewing.

“I’ve done this for years and nobody ever noticed ‘til now,” explained Garrison. “Used to be just a few I had to get rid of back when, but now with that Kenyan in office, telling us what to do and the way he’s turned the country radical — I can’t keep up.”

When asked who she was specifically referring to by “that Kenyan,” Garrison replied, “Don’t get cute. You know exactly who I’m talking about and I’m not afraid to say it — the President. And did you see where now his wife is forcing us to feed our children what she feeds her own? I don’t have children, but who does she think she is? Maybe it’s just fine for her kids to read that filth Fifty Shades of Grey, but it’s not okay for regular American kids who grow up around here. Someone has to speak for them.”

Fire Chief Robert Sutherland commented, “The entire back end of the building is gone. The alarms were disconnected so that explains why there was so much damage. We’re lucky no one was killed. The nursing home is right next door. I don’t know what Miss Garrison was thinking.”

Reaction from town residents is mixed. “There were rumors that Norma did this type of thing,” said local florist Sarah Donaldson. “We just joked about it ‘cause Norma is just so quiet and reserved.”

Resident Paul Fowler remarked, “Sometimes you would go in and look for a certain book and it wouldn’t be there. Norma would say she never heard of it, or that it was checked out and never brought back, or it got lost. Mind you, I’m not defending what she did, but I understand. She got real withdrawn after McCain lost. She changed. You could see it in her. She really liked that Sarah Palin and always had plenty of her books on display.”

“When I go back to work I guess I’ll have a lot of cleaning up to do,” remarked Garrison, seemingly unaware of the severity and consequences of her actions.

Garrison was charged with malicious damage to public property, and was removed from her position last week. She will be taken into custody after her release from Zanesville’s Genesis-Bethesda Hospital within the next few days.

Insurance investigators estimate damage to the library structure to be in the tens of thousands of dollars, not including the value of over 1,800 volumes of literature destroyed in the fire.

Retiree Demands Refund From National Park Service When ‘Old Faithful’ Fails To Erupt On Schedule

Posted on August 9, 2014 by DvanL

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyoming –

Gerald Fogarty waited his entire life to see “Old Faithful,” the world-famous geyser attraction that brings visitors from around the globe to Yellowstone National Park.

The geothermal wonder erupts with a blast of steam and water at more or less regular intervals, delighting over three million spectators each year. “I finally decided to be a part of it,” said Fogarty, 68. “I meant to get here all through the years, but one thing or another kept me from coming and I never did find the time.”

The now-retired warehouse manager is taking full advantage of his new schedule by doing the things he’s always wanted to do, exactly when he wants to do them. “I lived in Baltimore all my life, so Yellowstone was far away and a big trip on my salary,” explained Fogarty. “I couldn’t just pick up and go anytime I felt like it, but I saved up my money and looked forward to this for a long time. To go there in person – that was a goal I wanted to get to.”

Fogarty rented a car and decided to make the trip a cross-country adventure. “I saw some sights, yes I did, and I stayed in a Motel 6 and ate some different food and wanted ‘Old Faithful’ to be the icing on the cake at the end,” recalled the retiree. “I heard these stories about the geyser going off every hour on the hour, so I got there and I waited. I stayed there for an hour and ten minutes and nothing happened,” said Fogarty. “So I walked back to my car and went to find the head office to ask for a refund.”

The myth that “Old Faithful” erupts “every hour on the hour” is just that — a legend told over the years, when in actuality, the intervals between geyser eruptions can be as short as 35 minutes, or as long as 2 hours. When informed of this by Park personnel, Fogarty replied, “I’m on a schedule and I don’t have time to waste anymore. They never talked about a time interval or whatever fancy thing they call it. I got out of there before they started blaming everything on that global warming nonsense. What’s so faithful about that? It’s bad faith, is what it is!” said Fogarty, storming off in a huff.

The Park declined to comment on whether they refunded Fogarty’s entry fee, but released a statement, which read in part:

Yellowstone National Park offers the opportunity for millions to enjoy the Earth’s natural wonders. We strive to provide the most enjoyable experience for our visitors. Mr. Fogarty is welcome to return to the Park at anytime, and we sincerely hope he extends the duration of his next visit with us.

A previous trip to Niagara Falls, including a boat tour on the “Maid Of The Mist” also proved disappointing for Fogarty. “Too wet,” he explained. “Even with the rain poncho, I just got too damn wet.”