Bill Gates Files For Chapter 7 Bankruptcy

Posted on July 21, 2014 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

One of the richest men to ever walk the planet has fallen on some very hard times lately after sales of some Microsoft flagship products, including the XBox One and the Microsoft Surface, have severely underperformed.

With a net-worth of $76 billion dollars, Bill Gates was thought to be hands-down in great shape finically, but recent reports are that Gates has secretly filed for bankruptcy. News hit the media this morning, and Gates’ accountants and investors are scrambling to figure out where everything went wrong.

He may have some overseas accounts, claim some investors, but nothing is certain at this moment.

A man who single-handedly built, scratched, scraped, and stole to build such a powerful company – and gained a lot of money by doing so – is looking at losing it all. This mean his homes, private helicopters, and perhaps even his company.

A financial advisor, who does not work for Gates, had some theories as to the downfall of such a massive fortune.

“I think it was pretty much all the lousy products they’ve put out in the last couple years,” said Myles Kennefic, a Wall Street financier. “Windows 8, the new video game system, and the Surface Tablet – oh God, the Surface – it’s like Gates couldn’t catch a break. Even putting the Start Menu back into Windows couldn’t save his fortune.”

Microsoft’s stock was apparently unaffected by the announcement. Gates himself didn’t seem to worried, posing for pictures with fans outside of his attorney’s office.

“Minor setback, no big deal,” Said Gates. “I might not have billions of dollars laying around anymore, but I am sure I won’t be going hungry any time soon, don’t worry.”

Food Scientist, Medical Doctors Slam Gluten-Free Diet Fad

Posted on July 21, 2014 by JP

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

A new craze in the United States is gluten-free food items. Over the last few years, gluten-free items have been popping up left and right, and you can’t go to almost any food establishment without running into a menu item that is completely 100% gluten-free. Some people claim that they are so allergic to gluten that it can have the same effects on them as a peanut could to a person with a nut allergy.

In the day and age we live in there are so many different types of diets, supplements, and healthier food items out there it makes you wonder how people survived 60 years ago. With time we have learned that some people are allergic to certain foods such as shell-fish, peanuts, etc, and these allergies can be so serious as to cause death.

A scientist in San Antonio, Texas has found through testing, though, that this is not the case when it comes to gluten.

“I have done endless tests and examination on people who claim to be allergic to gluten,” said food scientist Dr. Phillip Ray. “I did test such as giving my subjects gluten and telling them I didn’t, and nothing ever happened. The funny thing is, when I gave my subject something without gluten, and claimed that it was not gluten-free, that is when they began to have reaction symptoms. I believe that it is all a mental complex, otherwise known as “stupidity,” and people want to believe they are being harmed by something that isn’t hurting them in the slightest. In fact, in case you weren’t aware, most people need gluten in their diets.”

So far, Dr. Ray is the only medical professional to try and make his theory known, publishing it in medical journals and securing spots on daytime talk shows, although most of his claims have already been backed up by medical science ages ago.

“Going ‘gluten-free’ in your diet has absolutely no health or diet benefits, and is a fad that has become commonplace, but really has no merit in the world of dieting,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith, a specialist in allergies and disease. “Most people who lose weight on a gluten-free diet are only doing so because they are normally cutting out breads, wheats, and pastas – things that can, in large portions, cause an unhealthy weight. On the opposing end, though, unless you are extremely careful, a gluten-free diet will lack vitamins, minerals, and fibers your body needs.”

“If you don’t have celiac disease, eat your damn gluten,” said Dr. Ray. “You’re just making yourself look stupid when you go out to a restaurant and ask for a gluten-free menu. The waitress knows you don’t have celiac disease. The kitchen staff knows that you’re just being a picky bitch. You don’t have a wheat allergy. You’re just pretentious. You stop that nonsense immediately.”

TVs ‘Dr. Phil’ Comes Out As Homosexual

Posted on July 16, 2014 by JP

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

A familiar face for daytime television has made an announcement that has set a shock to his millions of loyal viewers. Popular television host Phil McGraw, also known as Dr. Phil, announced early Tuesday morning that he is gay, and that he couldn’t keep the secret in any longer.

Dr.Phil first made his appearance on television on the very popular Oprah Winfrey show, and over time became one of her favorite guests. The appearances on her show eventually led to McGraw landing him his own television show, and the program has been running strong ever since.

McGraw has a way of getting the brutal truth out of people and calling out cowards that hide behind their lies. His forceful attitude and completely stringent, no B.S. attitude has made his program very popular in the ratings for a daytime television show.

For a while Dr.Phil has been quite the celebrity, appearing on different television shows while still racking in viewers on his own program. The hype of his show has cooled off a bit over time, but he still airs his show in syndication throughout the country.

Even with his immense popularity, questions are certainly arising as to why he has chosen to ‘come out’ at this point in his life and career, seemingly announced out of nowhere, throwing a ripple through his home life. McGraw has been married to wife Robin Jameson since 1976.

“I spend most of my days getting the truth from my guests, and all this time I was lying to myself.” said McGraw. “I’ve always known, and I didn’t want to disturb the life of my family and friends. I wasn’t sure how the public would take it after my fame, so I kept it inside to keep things calm. Then one day recently I woke up and looked myself in the mirror, I said ‘You like kissing men, looking at them naked…guess what buddy, you’re a homosexual!'”

McGraw’s wife Robin is reportedly seeking religious guidance for her husband, as well as possibly checking him into a sexual re-orientation clinic.

“We’ll get him back on the straight path, all puns intended.” Said Jameson. “Phil is a loving man, and I stand by him and his decisions, even though they are completely disgusting in the eyes of the Lord. If he can’t help his needs, we’ll just spend all of the millions of dollars he’s made trying to cure him. It’s possible with God.”

McGraw himself continues to work on his program, Dr. Phil, and says he has no desire to change anything about his chosen career.

“It’s just freeing to finally be me, you know?” said McGraw.

It’s Official: ‘Breaking Bad’ Movie To Hit The Big Screen Next Summer

Posted on July 16, 2014 by JP

HOLLYWOOD, California –

One of the highest rated and most popular television shows in history is set to take make a return, but not in the way you may think. It has finally been announced that the hit show Breaking Bad will be jumping to the big screen next summer.

Breaking Bad was the hit AMC TV show about a struggling high school chemistry teacher who turns to a life of crime selling methamphetamines after a diagnosis of inoperable lung cancer.

Rumors sparked left and right after actor Bryan Cranston had made a few comments about how the show ended. Fans online have talked about it happening, and everyone was hoping that it would come to fruition, but the studio and several people involved in the show initially denied the rumors.

“We were told to keep as quiet as possible about it,” said Cranston, who although known for TV shows like Malcolm in the Middle, shot to fame after Breaking Bad became a ratings smash. “The cat is out of the bag, as it were. We started shooting the movie about 2 weeks ago in Albuquerque.”

With news of the film breaking, movie theaters around the country have already begun to pre-sell tickets, the first time in history that a pre-sale has begun before the film has actually been completed. Normally, a theatre will pre-sell a week or two before an anticipated big movie is released. For Breaking Bad, they know they had to start now, almost a year in advance.

“We are talking about one of the biggest shows in the history of TV.” Said Regal Cinemas chairman Mark Landry. “As soon as it became confirmed that the movie had been green-lit, we gave the okay to our theatre managers to begin selling tickets.”

Filming is underway, but unfortunately it is a closed-set, and no other information – including the plot of the movie, timeline, or which characters will appear.

TMZ reporters questioned actor Aaron Paul, who played Jesse on the hit show, as he was leaving a Hollywood restaurant, and when asked about a Breaking Bad movie he seemed confused.

“The is the first I’ve heard of it,” said Paul. “Apparently I’ve got some phone calls to make.”

Production on the the Breaking Bad movie is scheduled to run through the end of October, with the film slated for a Memorial Day 2015 release.

MTV Begins Production On New Show ’12 And Pregnant’

Posted on July 15, 2014 by JP

MANHATTAN, New York –

Known for hit television shows such as The Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, and The Real World, MTV is always finding a way to bring home the ratings, even when some claim that what they are airing isn’t appropriate television. Despite controversy and complaint, the ratings speak for themselves, and the network always seems to find a way to pack the couch and have people watching the channel day-after-day for over 30 years.

A new show that MTV plans to air may be a breaking point for the company, even in this new day and age. Insiders say the whole concept itself may stir up a huge outbreak of lawsuits, hate groups, and generally angry parents.

Already being filmed, MTV plans on releasing the new show 12 And Pregnant this coming fall.

Three 12-year-olds have already been chosen for the show, signing off on semi-lucrative contracts and deals with the Viacom-owned network. Normally, MTV would be heavily promoting the show during their other series like Catfish or True Life, but this time they’re staying hush on who the three girls are. All 3 girls and their families signed non disclosure agreements, stating that their identities would not be made public until the show is ready for air.

Producers for the show say that this series, which follows the trials-and-tribulations of pregnant 12-year-olds, is much like their hit show 16 And Pregnant, but with a lot more parental drama. Executives say that they never would have thought to create a show, except for an influx in pregnant children emailing them, asking when they were going to get a show aimed at their age group and about their struggles at becoming a parent so young.

“We never had any designs on a show like this,” Said Leo Maltin, a representative for MTV and Viacom Networks. “We got so many kids hounding us, saying that 16 And Pregnant was okay, but they wanted to see younger kids, like they are, and what they go through when pregnant. Since they started approaching us, we figured we’d give it a shot.”

Inside sources on the show have stated that each of the girls have ‘future husbands,’ and not one of them is going through the pregnancy while single, at least at start of production. On top of that, all the girls on the show have their parents included in the process, and 2 out of the 3 are still attending school. The third girl has dropped out to find work.

New Law Will Make Practicing The Mormon Religion Illegal

Posted on July 13, 2014 by JP

PROVO, Utah –

Religion has always been a touchy subject any way one chooses to look at it, causing wars, hatred, and feuds that may or may not have happened if it wasn’t for the beliefs held by any number of people. Regardless of the issues it may cause, one thing in life is certain, and that is that you are free to choose to believe in whatever you want, and the government cannot stop you.

Apparently, things are about to change for those wishing to practice at least one major religion. A new law being voted on in congress could pass, effectively making it illegal to follow the Mormon religion.

It is unclear why the United States would be voting to outlaw any religion, especially Mormonism, but the penalties and guidelines it entails are very extreme: anyone seen practicing the Mormon religion would be held in a prison cell for up to but not to exceed 5 years, and will only be released once a therapist and appointed clergyman feels that their beliefs have changed. This would still be true even if the law was repealed while the accused was incarcerated.

In conjunction with backlash that will come with such a harsh law, the government has said they will be offering a therapy program to Mormons that would like to learn about becoming followers of another religion, and the program will also give them an outlet to following that new way of life.

“Well, I mean, it does kind of make me happy to know I won’t have some stranger knocking on my door at 7:30AM, wanting to talk about God.” said Joe Goldsmith of Provo. “I’ve never been less interested in anyone’s beliefs – except for of course, perhaps, the Jehovah Witnesses. Those people show up at 6:30AM!”

News of the possibly outlaw of the Mormon faith reached the Vatican this morning, where Pope Francis was apparently thrilled.

“All the more for us,” Said the Pontiff. “They will come screaming to Catholicism. No one can outlaw the true Jesus Christ.”

The law, if passed, will take place January 1st, 2015. Any practicing Mormons are asked to keep a close watch on the possible law changes.

Colorado Becomes First State To Legalize Crystal Meth

Posted on July 12, 2014 by JP

DENVER, Colorado –

Colorado has been in the news all year for being the first state to legalize marijuana for recreational use, and it looks as though the state is at it again, but this time with a different, and slightly more controversial, drug. The Colorado state legislature has decided to legalize the street drug crystal meth.

Crystal meth is a highly addictive drug that send millions to rehab or to their deaths each year. Meth has been around for years, but became extremely popular after the Showtime TV series Breaking Bad hit the air. While producers only cared about the show brining in huge ratings, everyone ignored the fact that it was also brining in thousands and thousands of new users to the drug. Local venders have been selling the drug for medical purposes in Colorado for a few days, and claim that it has plenty of medical benefits when used the right way.

“If you are a lazy natured person, meth can give you that boost coffee can’t and you can get a lot done.” Said a local meth vender who wished to remain anonymous.

With the drug becoming legal in Colorado, some would ask how this may effect the sales of marijuana. Pot venders appear to be upset, while their customers couldn’t be happier about the move that the state made.

“Finally! I mean it was cool to smoke weed in the middle of the streets for about a week, but everyone knows weed is just a gateway, and I really needed them to legalize a better drug that will get me really high.” Said Boulder resident Mike Sherman.

It is unclear if this bill will stay in place for long, as opposing parties are already trying to tear it down. Politicians behind it are claiming it is simply a supply-and-demand issue.

“If they want people to not buy drugs legally, then for crying out loud they should shut down every Starbucks in the United States.” Said Colorado representative John Spector (D). “Marijuana, meth – what’s the difference? The revenue the state is bringing in, it’s astronomical. Health is one thing, but we’re talking about money here.”

Woman Sues Pepper Spray Manufacturer After Can Found To Contain Silly String

Posted on July 12, 2014 by JP

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

A robbery and attack on a local women in Texas is flooding the news this morning, but for reasons other than the actual attack. A 38-year-old woman, Joanne Lewis, was assaulted Wednesday night while walking her dog. She sustained minor injuries, and the assailant left with only $23 dollars and her cell phone.

Where the story takes an interesting turn is that when Lewis attempted to fight back with what she thought was her recently-purchased can of pepper spray, the product turned out to be silly string.

Lewis is now taking the matter to court, claiming negligence on the part of the company the produced the silly string, claiming things could have gone a lot differently if the attack was more serious.

“I was trying to save my life and my belongings, not set up a silly prank.” said Lewis. “He came at me and asked for my [expletive] money, and when I reached in my purse for my spray I screamed ‘take that!’ Once the silly string came out the guy began to laugh in my face, and then pushed me to the ground.”

The company who made the defective pepper spray, Sting & String, has refused to comment, but according to their website, the company does manufacture both pepper spray and silly string. The woman is claiming that negligence is the cause for this mix up, and the company will pay.

“I’m very lucky to still be alive, and the fact that this happened to me makes me wonder how many other people this has affected. I can only imagine little kids at a birthday party playing with silly string and actually pepper spraying each other.” Said Lewis.

The company has recalled the product for the time being, and suggests that their previous customers do a test spray before using any of their items.