Tom Cruise Critically Injured During Filming Of ‘Mission: Impossible 5’

Posted on January 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LONDON, England –

According to UK entertainment source MovieNews Weekly, Tom Cruise was critically injured during the filming of the fifth installment of the Mission: Impossible movie series in London late Saturday evening.

The 52-year-old actor, who insists on performing his own stunts, was shooting a scene in which his character, Ethan Hunt, tosses an exploding briefcase into the car of a would be assassin, but according to reports, the pyrotechnic-wired briefcase prematurely detonated just after leaving the actors hand. Those on the scene said it was a horrific sight, as Cruise’s groin area seemed to take the brunt of the blow.

“It was awful man. The thing didn’t go off when it was supposed to and the explosion caught us all off guard. Then I heard it. The screams, I will never forget his screams man,” co-star Ving Rhames said. “I immediately ran over to him, and at first I didn’t know what to do, so I just grabbed his crotch to stop the bleeding. It was just instinct, ya’ know? I looked down and I noticed he had his balls right there in his hand; they weren’t even attached anymore. God, I can’t even talk about it. I threw up everywhere. It was the most gruesome thing I have ever seen.”

Cruise was immediately transported to Royal London Hospital, where he underwent a five-hour surgery led by Dr. Frederick Carlton. According to Carlton, the surgery went very well, and the actor is recovering and is now in stable condition.

Cruise, who seems to always look on the bright side of things, said that even if they hadn’t been able to re-attach his missing penis and testicles, he’d still consider himself to be very lucky for being able to do what he does for a living.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that they put it back on, and from what they say, eventually it will look and perform just as it always did very soon,” said Cruise from his hospital bed. “Thankfully, my penis doesn’t play a huge role in Mission: Impossible, so I should be able to get back to work within the next week or two. But because I didn’t want to lose any confidence when it comes to performing and stunt work after this little mishap, I did have them replace my testicles with an even bigger set made from smooth, surgical-grade steel.”

Executives at Paramount Pictures, distribution company for Mission: Impossible 5 said that filming would continue without Cruise while he recovers, and that he is expected to return to work by mid-January.

Historic Empire State Building Scheduled For Demolition; Americans Shocked, Outraged

Posted on January 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Mayor of New York City, Bill de Blasio, held a press conference this morning with news that stunned loyal residents of the great city and has left much of the rest of the country speechless, as he publicly announced that the iconic 103-story historic landmark Empire State Building would be demolished this summer.

“It is with great dissatisfaction that I stand before you today and give you news of unfortunate circumstances. Yesterday afternoon, our beloved Empire State Building was sold to a group of Saudi Arabian entrepreneurs who, in turn, made the unpopular decision to destroy one of the few great symbols of this wonderful country,” de Blasio announced.

The iconic Fifth Avenue skyscraper was sold to the Dallah-Alireza Group based out of Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, who purchased the Midtown Manhattan building for just over $700 million. CEO of DAG, Khalid Ahmed Al-Kazaz, then issued a statement that the group has made the necessary arrangements with the New York State Board of Historical Preservation, who granted the group the right to do anything they wish with the historic structure.

“We come to you today with bright ideas for a greater tomorrow. Our group has voted to demolish the Empire State Building in order to make way for a state-of-the-art shopping center, filled with wonderful stores including cigar and smoke shops, two Seven-Elevens, and a superb hookah bar. It is time for America to move forward and look to the great future,” Al-Kazaz said. “We are also pleased to share the news that many great stores will have bargains on brand name, knock-off clothing and apparel.”

New York residents, livid with the decision, have taken to the streets of Manhattan with protest. Many carrying signs of anti-smoke shop and convenience store sentiment, as well as catchy Pro-American quotes and phrases. “Let’s Take America Back” one outlandish sign read. Many Americans and New York residents have begun to share petitions via the internet.

The Empire State Building is scheduled for demolition on August 3, 2015.

Mother Finds Kilo Of Cocaine Stashed Inside Toddler’s Power Wheel

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CHATTANOOGA, Tennessee –

A shocked mother of two called Chattanooga police earlier this week after she discovered a large bag containing a white powdery substance taped to the bottom of a ride-on Power Wheels Thomas the Tank Engine she had bought her 2-year-old son for Christmas.

After police tested the substance, it was officially determined to be cocaine – a whopping 2 pounds worth, or what is commonly referred to as a ‘kilo.’

Mary Ann Noe, 32, found the suspicious package taped on the underside of the battery-powered ride-on children’s toy after she turned it over to wash off oatmeal her 2-year-old son Kain had dumped on the kitchen floor and had been driving over.

“It scared me to death, I didn’t know what it was,” Noe told The Chattanooga Times. “It looked like a huge bag of cocaine, so I did like they do in the movies, and I stuck a knife in it, dipped my finger in, and tasted it like they do. Funny thing though, I don’t know what cocaine is even supposed to taste like, but my whole mouth went numb.”

Noe said she knew that the substance had to be something illegal, so she immediately called the police.

“When I called, a nice young officer came and took a sample of it himself and it numbed his mouth too. He then asked me for a baggie so that he could separate some of it to take to a lab. I gave him sandwich baggie and he filled it all the way up and put it in his pocket and took it with him,” Noe said. “He told me that the street value of the bag was probably close to $20,000 dollars.”

Chattanooga Police Department commissioner of Police, Albert Hughes Jr., said that somewhere along the way, that someone must have used the toy to transport the drug and it must have got mixed up with other packages. “It is really odd, usually in a case like this several other packages are used to smuggle the drug.No other parents have come forward saying they have found over two pounds of cocaine as of yet.

“The investigation is currently at a stand still,” Hughes said. “We are asking parents whose children may have recently acquired a Power Wheels Thomas the Tank Engine to check underneath for large bags of cocaine, and please report it immediately. Also, please try not to stick a knife in the bags and put any on your tongue.”

Harvard Study Suggests Frequent Use Of Contact Lenses May Increase Cancer Risks

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

A recent medical science study conducted at prestigious Harvard University has revealed an alarming statistic. Those who wear contact lenses on a daily basis are fifteen-times more likely to develop various types of cancer.

The study, led by Harvard professor, Dr. Carmine Altmann, uncovered the shocking statistic during a five-year research program which correlated the use of materials cancer victims come into contact with on a daily basis in relation to the severity of their disease. Dr. Altmann says that the study, which is currently in its fourth year, has discovered that one personal item tends to stick out like a sore thumb – contact lenses.

“Unfortunately numbers do not lie. This is both a major cause for concern as well as a significant medical breakthrough,” Altmann said. “There are two types of contact lenses which the visually impaired use: soft contact lenses, which are made of soft, flexible plastics that allow oxygen to pass through to the cornea, and Rigid Gas Permeable contact lenses, which are made up of a more durable plastic and are resistant to deposit buildup, and generally give a clearer, crisper vision. It is my educated guess the culprit are the types of plastics used to manufacture the contact lenses.”

For several years, scientists and environmentalist have found plastic materials, which are used for just about everything, to be very questionable in their relations to both human health and the environment.

Environmental safety scientist Charles James Epperson says he is not surprised by the results which Altmann’s group discovered. “I’ve been saying for years that the human race relies too much on various types of plastics. Plastics disguise their toxicity very well and it takes years of exposure to find any kind of effect on the human body or environment. We need to focus more studies on alternative forms of durable, comfortable materials for product manufacturing.”

The study, which has continued as the new year begins, has also begun looking into plastics that may cause cancer in other parts of the body, including cheap hairpieces that cause scalp cancer, certain sneakers which could cause foot cancer, and the possibility of plastic shopping bags leading to finger and hand cancers.

Disney Plans To Kill Off Iconic Character Mickey Mouse After 86 Years As Mascot

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BURBANK, California –

The Walt Disney Company announced earlier today during a press conference that Disney Films would release an animated feature film next Christmas titled ‘The Magical Life and Times of Mickey Mouse’, and Disney spokesperson Michael McDermott had a shocking surprise when discussing the plot of the film.

“The film is, in fact, what the title suggests – it’s about the wonderful and magical life of the great Mickey Mouse and the joy his has brought children and adults alike across the globe since his creation in 1928…until his death in 2015,” McDermott said, as members of the Associated Press shook their heads in disbelief.

“Yes, you heard me correctly,” McDermott stated. “The Walt Disney Company has made the ultimately tough decision when it comes to the fate of its superstar, its timeless hero if you will. In this day and glorious age, we feel it is important to teach children the vast importance of life, and to never take it for granted. This doesn’t mean the legacy will not continue, quite the contrary. It will only spark a tireless celebration of the wonderful life of Mickey Mouse.”

“The Walt Disney Company is about teaching both children and adults alike that the lives we lead are special and magical, but nobody lives forever,” said Disney CEO Don Iger. “It is the collective belief of this wonderful enterprise that in order to thoroughly enjoy something, to really cherish it, human beings need to be reminded that life is short. Live it the best you can, do the best you can by others, use your life to make a real difference.”

“I think this is ludicrous. We grew up having Mickey Mouse around, he made us smile and laugh as children with just the sight of him,” said Marion Calvert, 42, of Phoenix, Arizona “I have two children under the age of 12, and I will not take them to see this terrible film.”

Not everyone feels the same way as Mrs. Calvert, though. Glenn McDaniels, 51, of Salt Lake City, Utah, has a positive opinion regarding the shocking announcement.

“I think it is great. Of course it is sad, but it is important our children grow up knowing they are not invincible. In order for one’s life to truly mean something, they must know it doesn’t last forever. I get it. I will definitely take my grandchildren to see this movie,” McDaniels said. “I mean plus – he’s just a damn drawing.”

The company did not state whether there would continue to be Mickey characters in their theme parks across the world, and also refused to comment on the circumstances relating to the cause of Mickey’s death in the film.

“You’ll just have to wait and buy a ticket and find out for yourself,” said Iger. “The film will be released on Christmas day.”

Actor Jake Gyllenhaal To Spend Six Months In Prison Voluntarily To Research For Role As Inmate

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Actor Jake Gyllenhaal, known for his extensive research when preparing to portray a character, is at it again. The 34-year-old actor, who rode with third shift LAPD street cops for six months to study for his role in the 2012 drama End of Watch, lost an almost dangerous amount of weight for his role as a frail journalist in the recent sleeper hit Nightcrawler.

Apparently Gyllenhaal has taken method acting to new heights once more, as he has packed on over fifty pounds of muscle for his role as a professional boxer in the movie Southpaw, and has been granted access by warden Connie Gipson to spend six months at the notoriously violent maximum-security California State Prison known as Corcoran for his role in another new film, The Crimson Shadow.

Gyllenhaal is often referred to as one the hardest working actors in Hollywood when it comes to preparing for a role, and according to several filmmakers, he’s extremely involved in becoming his character as much as possible.

“It was Jake’s idea to spend time on the inside as a real inmate. I told him he was crazy and that they would never allow it, nor would we want him to try something so absurd,” said Crimson director Martin Scorsese. “But he went to Corcoran warden Connie Gipson, and somehow convinced her to let him spend six months just as a real prisoner would – no special treatment or anything. That boy is something else.”

Corcoran prison is known for its violent history and for housing one of the most notorious inmates of all time, Charles Manson. According to Scorsese, Gyllenhaal has also been granted the opportunity to have several meetings with Manson.

“I’m serious, Jake is hardcore. He’s going to have meetings with Charles Manson so he can get inside the mind of a killer, a criminal,” said Southpaw director Antoine Fuqua. “He actually went out and filmed car crashes and robberies when he was preparing for his role in Nightcrawler. Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if he was having sex with cowboys when he was making Brokeback Mountain, because that’s how goddamn method that guy is.”

Southpaw is scheduled for release in late 2015. Scorsese says that The Crimson Shadow begins filming as soon as Gyllenhaal is ‘released’.

LeBron James Says He Will Retire After Season, Regrets Signing With Cleveland Cavaliers

Posted on January 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

In a stunning developing story, NBA superstar LeBron James said in an interview with Bryant Gumbel this morning that this would be his last year playing basketball because of sore knees, combined with his regret of signing with the Cleveland Cavaliers.

James made the shocking announcement during this mornings taping of Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel. When asked what life after basketball may bring the basketball star, he said he wasn’t sure but would find out soon. Gumbel, with a puzzled looked then asked James what he meant by the statement.

“Well I got this thing with my knees going on, and coming back to Cleveland just isn’t what I thought it would be, so, I’ve decided that maybe this will be my last season,” ‘King’ James said. “I just turned thirty, which is ancient in this sport. I already have a hard time climbing out of bed in the morning. Then last week my son beat me in three straight games of one-on-one. I think it is safe to say you can put a fork in me.”

The Cleveland Cavaliers were expected to instantly be considered NBA title contenders this season, and those expectations are clearly unrealistic given the teams mediocre performance and poor chemistry among players and head coach David Blatt.

“I just should have put more thought into it before I signed, should have maybe spent another year in Miami. I kinda regret signing with Cleveland like I did, but now I’m stuck here,” a disappointed James stated.

James went on to say that he is doing what he said he had promised Cavalier fans. “I said when I signed that I would finish my career where I started, right here in Cleveland. I thought it would last a little longer, but my body just isn’t up to the task anymore to deal with playing for a team that probably will not be a title contender. I love it here, Cleveland is great, ya’ know? But when it’s time, its time. I will finish out the season playing the best I can, and give my fans all over the world the best show I can – but this is it. I am considering going into high school coaching, I’m just not sure yet.”

Dying Man Confesses He Was Grassy Knoll Sniper Who Assassinated John F. Kennedy

Posted on January 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana –

Charles Ray Peterson, 81, made a shocking confession to family members yesterday as they had gathered to be by his side during his last hours at River Oaks Hospital in New Orleans. Peterson, a native of New Orleans, told his son, Harold Peterson, that he wanted him to gather the family before he was gone. What he told them has left the entire family in absolute disbelief.

“First he told us that he was in Dallas the day that JFK was assassinated, and that he was there when it happened. It was really odd because he had never ever mentioned that he was there that day to anyone after talking about it all these years,” Harold Peterson said. “He looked up and said, ‘It was me! I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll!”

Ever since President John F. Kennedy was shot to death on November 22, 1963, conspiracy theories have circulated about his death and the circumstances of the assassination. Many believed that Lee Harvey Oswald was set up for the killing, and that based on the trajectory in which President Kennedy was hit, the kill shot could not have come from the seventh floor of the Book Depository located in Dealey Plaza.

Curiously, several witnesses died within just a few short years of the assassination from various ‘untimely accidents,’ such as Lee Bower, who was working directly across from the grassy knoll when the shots were fired. Bower had said in a 1966 television interview that he had seen a flash and a puff of smoke behind a wooden fence just behind the grassy knoll. Just months later, Bowers died in a single car accident.

Harold Peterson said his father confessed to being the man behind the picket fence, and it was he who landed the kill shot, not Oswald.

“He wanted to clear the name of Lee Harvey Oswald. He told us that Oswald was innocent and had been set up because he had owed a lot of money to someone with power. Dad did not mention who else was behind it,” Peterson said. “To be honest, at first we thought he was just talking crazy from the meds he was on, or maybe playing one last joke, because that’s how my dad was, but then when he wept, I knew it was true. My dad killed JFK!”

Charles Ray Peterson passed away peacefully just after sharing the news with his family. He had been hospitalized during his final weeks while suffering from adrenal cancer.

Eighth Grade Teacher Suspended For Teaching Students Oral Sex Techniques Using Cucumbers

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SEATTLE, Washington –

An eighth grade teacher in Seattle, Washington is under massive scrutiny, and in some cases, praise, after teaching female students how to perform oral sex using cucumbers. Many male students observed, as well as several other teachers from the school.

Michelle Johanson, 28, a health teacher at Jameson Middle School in the North Central Seattle neighborhood of Wallingford, reportedly taught students who volunteered to stay after school how to properly perform oral sex on a male as she demonstrated while using a cucumber. Johanson also provided female students with cucumbers of their own as she demonstrated the act as several male students and teachers, observed the innovative teaching technique.

As can be imagined, several parents were outraged when their daughters came home excitedly to show their parents what they learned at school that day. Rebecca McDougal, whose 13-year-old daughter is a student in Johanson’s class, told The Seattle Observer that her daughter came directly home and showed her what she had learned by grabbing a some vegetables from the refrigerator and practicing.

“I could not believe it, she knew how to do things I never learned to do. Not to mention the size of the cucumber Ms. Johanson gave her – it was certainly bigger than any penis I’ve ever had. Definitely bigger than Becca’s dad. It’s pretty sad when your 13-year-old daughter teaches you how to do what you never could,” McDougal said. “I mean Ms. Johanson should at least show her male students how to perform oral sex on females while she is at it.”

Not all parents were outraged however, such as William Ragsdale, who’s 12-year-old daughter was one of the students Johanson taught the act to. “I think it’s a great thing. Women usually don’t really learn how to do it right until their mid-thirties, at least. That’s what I’ve found from experience, anyway. At least now my little girl will have a head start” Ragsdale said. “I commend Ms. Johanson for her ballsy approach.”

After being reviewed by the Washington State Board of Education, it has been declared that Michelle Johanson will not face any possibility of termination. In fact, by showing initiative, the board is contemplating reviewing its stance on sexual education and considering teaching both female and male students how to properly perform oral sex. Johanson was suspended one week with pay to avoid any unwanted confrontations. She is expected to return to her classroom by next Monday.

Johanson has not come forward to speak with media as of yet, as she was reportedly advised by her teacher’s union representative to keep her mouth plugged for the time being.

President Obama Announces He Will Resign Amid Allegations He Is Leader Of New Black Panther Movement

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a developing story that has landed a bombshell upon newsrooms across the world, President of the United States Barack Obama announced he will resign from office after a disgruntled member of the New Black Panther movement has come forward with proof that the President has been giving direct orders to the group.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest made the shocking announcement just moments ago among a stunned room of journalists and reporters.

“President Barack Obama has decided to resign from office as news has surfaced regarding his alleged involvement with the new Black Panther movement, and being harassed by the American people whenever he wants to go out and have some fun,” Earnest announced. “Sometime tomorrow, Vice President Joseph Biden will assume office as President of the United States of America.”

Late last night, several media outlets released a video tape of Obama speaking at a Black Panther rally in which he made a statement to a large group of members.

“It is time to finish the job and take over what is owed to us. If they want a fight, we will give them a fight,” Obama said. “It is time that freedom has spoken.” The Obama Administration claims the statements were taken out of context, as he was referring to the ongoing feuding with North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, but also stated the President is just tired of being picked on every time he wants to go on vacation.

The President then took to the stand to give his side of the story. “It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to give the American people what they want; Joe Biden in the Oval office. I get blamed for everything. The American people have spoken and have stated that everything bad in their lives is specifically my fault, and I’m sick of it,” the President said. “I’m going to take my ball and go home, I quit. You won’t have me to kick around anymore.”

Members of the Associated Press pressured the president for further comment, but the commander-in-chief refused questions.

“See what you people have done? You’ve run the first black president straight out of office with your jokes and your ridicule,” said vice-president Joe Biden. “Not that I’m complaining. Guess it’s my turn to give it a whirl!”