Teen Burns Down House To Avoid Doing Dishes

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

A 13-year-old teen was arrested for arson Wednesday evening after reportedly burning down the family house to avoid doing the dishes, says the Bangor Monthly News. According to police reports, Joshua Blackwell was arrested after the family’s cape-style home was left in a rubble from a horrific fire.

“I asked Josh to do the dishes before his father and I left for the movies,” said Marsha Blackwell, 44. “Normally that’s not a chore I’d ask him to do, but Greg [Blackwell, Joshua’s father] and I were in a rush. The new Maze Runner movie is out, and we wanted to make the 7:15 show.”

“I never have to do the fucking dishes,” said Joshua during the police interrogation. “That’s a woman’s job. My job is to normally just take out the trash, and I even hate doing that. When my bitch mother said I needed to do the dishes, I got pissed. They didn’t even ask if I wanted to go to the movies, they just left me to scrub all those fucking pots. They deserved this.”

Police say that Joshua Blackwell faces up to 2 years in a juvenile facility if convicted of first-degree arson. A court appointed lawyer for Joshua says that he believes that the boy will be allowed to go free, though, based on the rarely-used tactic of temporary insanity.

“Yes, I think I can get Joshua off from this crime, simply because he was asked to do the dishes, and he strongly believes that’s a woman’s job,” said lawyer Marcus Patton, Esq. “You see, because he has such strongly held convictions, his mother asking him to do such a emasculating job triggered something in him that caused this violent outburst, and he burned down their home.”

“I don’t care how any of this turns out,” said Marsha Blackwell. “All I know is that when Joshua gets home from prison, he’s grounded for a week…and definitely no TV for him!”

Zuckerberg: ‘Dislike’ Button Will Not Be Enabled On Posts By Companies That Buy Ads On Facebook

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CUPERTINO, California –

Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, announced recently that the company would finally release a ‘dislike’ button on the giant social media platform, which they hoped would allow for a sort of “empathy” option for people to choose on statuses that might not quite be appropriate to ‘like.’

One of the biggest concerns from major companies, who spend millions of dollars advertising on Facebook, was that too many people might just randomly click ‘dislike’ on their posts, hurting their reputation. Zuckerberg announced today that, for those companies who spend “substantial money” on ads, they would no longer have to worry.

“If you are a huge business that works with us, we certainly don’t want to let you down with our new ‘dislike’ option,” said Zuckerberg. “So, we have come up with a solution. Any company who spends more than $1 million with us each calendar year will not have the dislike option on their sponsored posts, thus making sure that the only option is to ‘like’ the posts or ads.”

Zuckerberg continued, saying that any company who spent more than $5 million on ads and sponsored posts each year would automatically get a like each time someone scrolled by.

“If you are a major company, and you spend major money with us, we want to keep you happy,” said Zuckerberg. “When a user scrolls by your ad or post, it will automatically register as a ‘like’ from that user, just because they saw it. We are also working on ways to make negative-based comments disappear when left on posts by large companies. A happy big business is a spend-happy big business. We need this, because no one wants to end up like MySpace or Google+.”

CEO Zuckerberg says that keeping big business happy is the only way to see a long-term survival by the social media giant.

Pope During First U.S. Visit: ‘Even God Doesn’t Love Kim Davis’

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Pope Francis arrived in the United States earlier this week, in his first ever visit to the country. The pontiff has a very full schedule during his trip, including speaking before congress and meeting with President Obama, but his initial act upon arriving on US soil was shocking to everyone, as he has apparently agreed to meet with recent headline-grabber Kim Davis.

Davis, who was arrested for defying a court order that stated as a Kentucky county clerk she must provide marriage licenses to gay couples, has been stealing headlines from more important news items for the last 2 months. When Davis heard that the Pope was coming to the US, she begged the Vatican to allow her to have a one-on-one meeting with the Pontiff. Upon hearing her request, the Pope reportedly scoffed at the idea, initially laughing it off completely.

“Ms. Davis is not the kind of person I would like to speak with normally,” said the Pope when asked about his meeting with the bigoted Kentucky clerk. “The only reason I am interested in speaking with her is to tell her that’s she’s being considered for excommunication, and that even God doesn’t love her.”

Pope Francis, although stoutly against gay marriage, says that all people on Earth are loved by God, with the exception of Kim Davis, and that bigotry and hatred and idiocy are no excuse for not doing your job.

TLC, MTV Partner On New Reality Show ‘I Didn’t Know I Was 16 And Pregnant’

Posted on September 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

With high ratings for both TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant and MTV’s 16 and Pregnant, the parent companies of the two networks, Discovery and Viacom, respectively, have announced a partnership to develop a new series, I Didn’t Know I Was 16 and Pregnant. The show will chronicle teens who don’t realize that they’re pregnant until they are being rushed to the emergency room.

“Much like I Didn’t Know…, this new show will focus on mothers -to-be who are, for some reason, unaware that they are pregnant,” said showrunner Kathleen Kennedy. “The difference is, instead of just being 40-year-old women who think they have a 9 month long case of gas, the show will focus on ignorant teens who are too stupid to use protection and too scared to talk to their parents.”

Both shows have garnered high ratings for their respective networks, and the joint partnership reveals a common goal amongst television networks – ratings and money.

“All we want is for people to be entertained,” said Kennedy. “If watching these poor sad sacks have their lives ruined unexpectedly will do that, then hell, we’re all about making sure that we get it all on film.”

In the first season, Kennedy says that viewers can expect to hear stories from 5 young women, all of whom are 15 or 16-years-old, and at least one story from a girl who denies ever having had sex, even screaming it while she’s pushing out a baby.

“That’s a hell of an episode!” said Kennedy. “Divinity is definitely not in that baby’s future, though. There’s a twist you won’t see coming at all, but I’ll hint that it sets up another new show we’re working on, 16 and Incestually Pregnant.

Former ‘Daily Show’ Host Jon Stewart Announces Presidential Run

Posted on September 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

With Jon Stewart completing his Daily Show hosting duties earlier this summer, many people were asking what the comedian, 52, would do next in his career. Although in recent interviews, Stewart said that he wasn’t sure what his next move would be, apparently he had a secret he was keeping all along.

“I’m officially tossing my hat into the ring for a seat in the Oval Office in 2016,” said Stewart during a recent press conference. “I’ve been mocking politicians for almost 2 decades on my show, and now it’s time to show them that I don’t just follow their mistakes, I’m ready to right them as well.”

Most political analysts say that Stewart doesn’t hold a chance of getting a party’s nomination, but many voters seem to disagree.

“There is no one on this planet I would rather vote for than Jon Stewart,” said Twitter user DailyShowLuvr.

“Stewart is a God. Not the God, because he’s a Jew and all, but a God, for sure, and I’d vote for him,” said Facebook user George Glass. “It’s about time we elected a non-Christian into the presidency, actually. Yeah, I’ll definitely vote for him.”

Stewart says that the has no idea what platform he’s going to campaign on, but that he’s well aware of where he stands on each and every issue.

“It’s the exact opposite of whatever Trump is about,” said Stewart.

Gay County Clerk Refusing To Give Straight Couples Marriage Licenses

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Marc Fine, a county clerk in Louisville, Kentucky, has reportedly been adamantly refusing to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, as he says it goes against his personal religious beliefs.

“I will not give any of them straights a marriage license,” said Fine in an interview with the local paper. “I think that what they do is disgusting. A penis going inside of a vagina? Natural? Please. It’s nasty, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of my personal Lord.”

Fine has been repeatedly told by his superiors that he needs to offer marriage licenses to all couples, straight or gay, but so far, Fine has refused.

“Thing of it is, no one has really complained. They just go on to another office, get their little license, and it’s all good,” said Fine. “That poor, ugly, trailer trash looking clerk woman who was arrested and put in jail should take a lesson from me. See, she wasn’t put in jail for her beliefs, she was put in jail for denying a court order, because she’s a dumbass. I haven’t gotten a court order, and until I do, I’ll keep doing my thing. If that order ever comes, well, I’ll just resign. My Lord and my principles come first.”

When asked what specific religion Fine was that allowed homosexual marriage but not straight marriage, he declined to comment.

Nicolas Cage To Play Role Of Jesus In ‘Passion of the Christ’ Remake

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Newmarket Films and 20th Century Fox, the distributors behind the religious blockbuster film The Passion of the Christ, which was written and directed by Mel Gibson, announced this morning that they would be remaking the film with Nicholas Cage set to take the place of original lead Jim Caviezel.

“We are very excited to get started on the remake of Passion,” said Newmarket CEO Joe Goldsmith. “The original film made a name for our company, and the movie went on to be the highest-grossing R-rated film of all time, while also telling the sado-masochistic story of Jesus Christ. We hope that we can capture that lightning in a bottle for the second time, this time with Nicolas Cage.”

Academy Award winner Cage, who as of late has been known for his fantastic films including Ghost Rider, Drive Angry, and Left Behind was cast based almost solely on his work on the latter film.

“We chose Nic because of his work in the religious film Left Behind, in which he was fantastic,” said Goldsmith. “We didn’t even ask him to audition, we just asked him how he felt about growing out his hair and beard. Turns out, he can’t grow a very good beard, so we’ll figure something out, be he was definitely on board in playing our Lord and Savior.”

Cage could not be reached for comment about the role. Reps for the actor say he is “very much” looking forward to the beatings he’s going to have to take for the role, and hopes that people will see it as penance for some of his later films.

Halloween 2015 Will Be 666th In History

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

UNITED STATES –

This October 31st, trick-or-treaters have something a little more ghoulish and spooky to contend with than just ghosts, witches, and Frozen characters. This year’s Halloween will be the 666th in history, making it extra “hellish” for some.

666, which is widely recognized as the “number of the beast,” or the number representing Satan, is almost as unlucky or uncomfortable for some as the unlucky number 13. Many parents say that they are refusing to take their children out trick-or-treating this year, in fear of the Devil coming to take their children.

“This is an extra special Halloween, and one that I am truly terrified of,” said Jolene Myers, 38. Her sons, Dylan and Michael, both 8, have been begging her to let them go trick-or-treating this year dressed as football players, but Myers, so far, is refusing. “I have no desire to watch my only two boys get swallowed up by the demon Beelzebub. They will still be young enough to go out on the 667th Halloween, and this year, I’ll just buy them a couple bags of candy.”

According to historians who have completely made up the history of the holiday, the first Halloween, then known as Samhain, took place in 1350.

“Kids went out, door to door, asking for some sort of token or treat,” said Halloween historian Jack King. “If they did not receive a treat, then they would burn the house down with the residents inside, ‘tricking’ them into burning in hell. Obviously times have changed greatly, but this year, the 666th, is definitely going to bring on some truly heinous evil. The sprits of those burned alive in their homes will certainly be restless this year.”

Police say that they will be “extra vigilant” this year in watching for young children who will be out alone, and hope that everyone has a safe, albeit scary, holiday.

United States Government Seeks Design For New American Flag

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a country where people are more divided than ever, the US government has decided that the standard “stars and bars” American flag has become something of a misnomer when it comes to describing how the nation stands.

“At one time, the flag stood for patriotism, unity, and the greatest nation on Earth,” said US Senator Mike Jollie. “As of late, with a country divided so fiercely on nearly every possible issue, with a country fighting amongst itself over things as trivial as religion, gay marriage, and even – for some reason – civil rights and unrest, well, it’s time that we have a flag more representative of where we stand today.”

Suggestions made by the Senate include a solid black flag with a gun in the middle, a solid red flag with a black hand and a white hand flipping each other off, a rainbow colored flag with a silhouette of two penises, and just a solid white flag with no imagery.

“The last idea, the solid white flag, seems to be the one most people are leaning towards at this point,” said Jollie. “A solid white flag or cloth has always been a sign of surrender, and at this point, we really should just be giving up. This country has become the laughingstock of the world, so why not?”

Artists and designers from across the country are urged to submit their flag ideas through the website of the white house, www.whitehouse.gov.

Ronda Rousey, Floyd Mayweather To Fight In Exhibition Match In 2016

Posted on September 11, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A joint announcement between the UFC and the World Boxing Association was made this morning, detailing an event to be held next March that will put Floyd “Money” Mayweather in the ring against Ronda Rousey.

“This is a dream match-up, that many internet sports fans have wanted to see,” said George Glass, a WBA representative, live during the ESPN-aired announcement. “Mayweather is known mostly for beating women, and Rousey is known for fighting like a man, so this is going to be a must-watch pay-per-view.”

The event, which is scheduled to take place in March, 2016, at the Luxor Casino in Las Vegas, is still having its details ironed out by officials. The Mayweather camp naturally wants the fight to be boxing rules, while the Rousey camp thinks it should be more along the lines of UFC rules.

Many fans have argued over the last several months about who would win in a fight between the two champions, and fight promoters say that they are hoping this contest puts an end to the speculation.

“The worst thing that could happen is that the fight is a draw,” said Glass. “I don’t know for sure who I’d place my money on, but the one thing I know, is that I’ll certainly be shelling out the $125.99 to watch the fight on Pay-Per-View.

Mayweather is set to take home a purse of $4 million for the fight. Rousey, being a woman, will naturally only take home $2 million.