Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Shortly after confusing the world with his assertion that racism “no longer exists,” Kanye West has caused further controversy, by insisting that “black people are no longer a thing.”

Last week, West seemingly showed us his blinkered view of the lives of African-Americans, believing that because he has made it big, other black citizens do not face discrimination based on their color. But his latest quotes, from an exclusive interview with TMZ, have given us insight into the more bizarre ideas that the self-proclaimed genius holds.

“Black people are an outdated concept, used to divide the world,” he said. “Maybe once they existed, but in the 21st century we’ve got to accept that civilisation has changed. Everyone is now white.”

The controversial rapper was asked to explain the different skin tone and other physical differences of those who identify as Africans or African Americans.

“Physical differences don’t make someone different. What’s a bit of melatonin among friends? I can assure you that, as a white person, I’m willing to look past the superficial differences and accept that these people are white like me.”

Kanye went on to say that, not only did black people not exist, no race “other than whites or caucasians actually represent a factual construct”.

“Chinese people are white too, even though they may look shorter and have different eyes and hair types. Hispanic people? They’re even whiter. And while we’re at it, let’s talk about this language thing. Just because we don’t understand what someone’s saying don’t mean they’re not talking English.”

Towards the end of the interview, he startled questioners further, by admitting that he believes every man is actually a Kanye, and that every woman is a Kim.

“Don’t let them fool you with their fancy names for themselves. They’re Kims and Kanyes and don’t deserve to be treated differently.”

When asked where his daughter North fits in, he said, “Nori (North) is a unique construct. We have brought her into the world as a superhuman, and she cannot be measuerd in the same way as the rest of us. She is the first of many Norths.”

Rick Salomon Accuses Pamela Anderson of Eating Babies

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Acclaimed poker player Rick Salomon has outraged ex-wife Pamela Anderson, by telling news outlets that the model and actress eats babies. His allegations come just days after he received criticism for calling her a “serial baby-killer” referring to abortions she had had performed without his knowledge. Now he has taken the back-and-forth to a new, unprecedented level.

“Pamela has a serious problem,” he told to anyone who would listen. “She eats babies and there’s no stopping her. When we’d go out to restaurants, I’d have to keep her far away from the kiddies play zone, at least until she was full from appropriate food. But I often failed.”

He said that the former Baywatch star turned into a different person around babies.

“Her teeth get sharper somehow, and she roars like a psychopath. Then she sticks the baby’s head in her mouth and bites it right off, chewing through the skull like it’s nothing more than a piece of candy. Blood spurts out, it gets messy, but she does a good job of cleaning up by eating the whole body and licking the blood off her arms. She has ruined a few very expensive evening gowns.”

Mothers around the country have spoken up, confirming Salomon’s claims.

“Pamela ate my triplets,” said one distraught 32 year old. “She stuffed each into her mouth as the others looked on screaming, until they were all gone. It was traumatic for me, as I’ve always been a big fan of her work. Seeing her like that was the most difficult thing I’ve had to witness. Also, I was sort of bummed about my children.”

Anderson’s spokesperson, Layla Tov, responded by playing down the accusations.

“Pam, like everyone else, likes to eat a baby from time to time,” she said at a press conference she had convened. “But it’s nothing like Rick implied. She does it in moderation, and usually in private. Also, the babies are generally dead before she eats them. Only when she’s really hungry does she eat them live. And Rick knows he’s not innocent here. On their third date, he invited her over to his place for dinner, and cooked a gourmet meal made from parts of five different colored infants.”

Live Sex Show Pulled From NBC After Accidentally Broadcasting Necrophilia

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

NBC have given up on their controversial ‘Live Sex Project’, just three days into airing. The 24 hour reality series, which broadcast live from a gritty motel room, showed everyday people who had been screened by the network having raunchy sex. But the project hit a hitch when, unbeknownst to the other fornicator, a woman died in the middle of coitus.

“The poor guy had no idea, and just kept on fucking her,” reported Ellen Degeneres, one of the producers of the show. “All of a sudden, he realizes he’s committing necrophilia on live television. Afterwards I saw him compulsively washing his dick, as if that could remove the everlasting taint of dead pussy.”

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church have announced that they plan to attend the funeral, protesting any further broadcasts of this sort.

“She got what she deserved!” spat a crazy woman at our reporter. “The whore! Fucking on live television like there was no tomorrow. Well guess what? There is no tomorrow! God has shown his vengeance against immoral sluts.”

Dead rights group, The Dead Have Feelings Too (TDHFT), have however responded with condemnation of the media’s handling of the event.

“Everything is permissible these days,” said headless head of the organization, Lord Jackson. “Sex before marriage, homosexuality, in front of people – but dead people aren’t allowed to have sex. No, if the person is dead, it’s ‘sick’. It’s time we took a stand, and asserted our right to have intercourse, whether or not it’s broadcast on those fancy boxes.”

NBC executives are reportedly planning a new 24 hour show to replace the botched experiment. Anonymous sources say they have drawn inspiration from the proverbial cock up, and plan to start production on live visuals from a mausoleum, in which the doings of dead people will be broadcast.

“People want to see what goes on in deadville,” said one source. “They don’t know what it’s like to be locked up in that place. We think it’ll be quite a thriller.”

‘Star Wars: Episode VII’ Will Have Darth Vader Reveal That He’s Also Luke’s Mother

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

A GALAXY, Far Far Away –

Although the original Star Wars trilogy revealed the fate of antagonist Darth Vader, and the prequel trilogy showed his extensive backstory, writers for the next episode of the franchise have hinted that flashbacks to Vader’s lifetime will reveal new and exciting information. One of the foremost reports states that Darth Vader reveals himself to Luke as, not only his father, but his mother as well.

“The interplay between Luke and Anakin Skywalker is some of the most classic cinema in our country’s history,” said Harry Mandable. “It’s vital that that returns in Disney’s take on the Star Wars universe. That’s why it’s encouraging to hear that Vader’s motherhood is examined in the next film. It is perhaps the only thing lacking from the original trilogy.”

Speculation indeed ran rife that Vader was Luke’s mother ever since the famous scene in which he tells Luke he is his father. Lukesmom.org, a fansite dedicated to the theory, explains that the backstory of Luke’s mother, Padme Amidala, is slightly blurry throughout. She is the secret wife of Anakin Skywalker, but that does not explain why neither Luke nor his sister Princess Leia do not have exactly the same eyes as her.

“If you watch all six movies very carefully, you see the occasional allusion to it,” said professional Star Wars analyst, Richie Prince. “For example, that time when Luke says, ‘My father, mother’ without saying and in between. And also, when Vader tells Luke that he is his father, he never says, ‘but not your mother’. So actually it’s pretty clear that something’s going on there.”

Creator of the franchise, George Lucas, has neither confirmed nor denied the rumors. Rather, he has stated that everyone should “calm the fuck down and wait for the movies. Jesus, it’s not like this is real life or anything. Vader is Luke’s mother if I decide one day that I want that to happen. That’s why it’s called a movie and not called something that’s happening on a distant star right now.”

Government Considers Replacing Bald Eagle With Sloth As National Animal

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The US government is reportedly considering replacing the current National Animal. The bald eagle has served as a symbol of the nation’s dreams and values since the 1700s, but policymakers no longer feel the sentiment is in line with the country’s current outlook. Instead, the sloth will take its place in American culture, representing how US citizens are seen by themselves as well as by the rest of the world.

“The bald eagle was originally chosen as a comparison to the ancient Romans, who also held the eagle as representative of their civilisation,” says political analyst, Jan Spencer. “It made sense for a long time, because we were a nation of immigrants – pioneers who did whatever it took to establish our own country. But now it’s more than a little out of place.”

Republican Senator John Persephone agreed with the sentiment, but warned that the sloth alone has important lackings.

“Yes, it’s the symbol of lethargy and inertia, and that’s pretty much most of America,” he told reporters. “And yes, it eats and becomes fat, and sleeps a lot, and leaves a lot to be desired in terms of appearance. But we cannot underestimate the greedy opportunism of the American people, which is represented so well by the bald eagle. It swoops out of the sky, catching up the unsuspecting small fry. It’s sneaky, in a sort of cowardly way. That’s what the USA is all about – maximum gain with minimum work, through dishonest means if necessary.”

Media outlets have since launched a campaign, urging viewers to help come up with the “next national animal of the American people.” The government has agreed to use the most popular choice in this important role. At present, Grumpy Cat is in third place; eagle in second; and sloth in first.

New Jeresey Teenager Hospitalized With Facebook Withdrawals

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMDEN, New Jersey –

Nancy Thompson, 15, was hospitalized today for severe withdrawal symptoms caused by her parents taking away her computer, cell phone, and her Facebook privileges. Thompson, who was being punished for a poor grade in math, was taken to the emergency room at Camden-South Medical Center after her parents found her in bed with cold sweats, thumb twitches, and general zombie-like behavior.

“I was terrified, we both were.” Said Marge Thompson, Nancy’s mother. “I heard noises and murmuring upstairs. I went to Nancy’s room, and she was rocking back-and-forth on her bead, mumbling “Like. Like. Comment. Like. Share,” and her thumbs were twitching in a texting motion involuntarily. We called 9-1-1 immediately.”

Ambulances were at the Thompson house in minutes, with paramedics prepared for the worst.

“We arrived, and Nancy was still trembling. It’s a scene I’ve bared witness to many times lately. The ‘Social-Media Shakes’, that’s what we call them.” Said Glen Lantz, one of the paramedics on the scene. “We were loading her into the ambulance, and that was when I saw the look she had. Nancy had a pretty standard resting bitch face, but then I saw her lips starting to curl back and one arm started to rise above her head. I recognized the selfie-signs instantly, and immediately sedated her before any of us had to see her morph into duck face mode.”

Parents today are more and more often using social media restrictions as punishments for their children and teenagers. As evident in Nancy’s case, it is not always the best solution. Rod Lane, a professional child psychiatrist, says that teens and young adults need their social networks more than ever, and taking them away can have serious adverse effects, much the same as with drug and alcohol addiction.

“I know that when your teen does something wrong, telling them they can’t get on Facebook is the quickest thing to come to your head. I implore all parents, please don’t do this.” Said Lane. “Your child needs to be weened off their social media, like a heroin abuser who goes to a methadone clinic. Just like with “true” drugs, your child can become violent and hostile, or conversely, they can become completely withdrawn and depressed, all because social media is removed from their lives too quickly.”

Nancy’s father, Donald Thompson, says that the first thing he did when Nancy awoke in the hospital was give her back her 32GB gold iPhone 5 so she could get online.

“I never want to have to go through something like this again. I swear I will never take away her Facebook privileges as long as I live. My baby girl can take all the half-nude, fake tanned, stupid-ass duck face pictures she wants. I’ll even ‘like’ them all myself!”

Nancy responded by saying it would be a “cold day in hell” before she added her dad on Facebook. She also updated her status on Facebook to “Prnts are soooo f-ing lame. hospitul food sucks. some1 bring me an f-ing Pinkberry like NOW!” It immediately received ‘Likes’ from 143 of Nancy’s 2,486 friends.

Johnny Depp’s Next Role To Be As Oddball Actor Who Only Plays Weird, Dark Characters

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Dreamworks Pictures has announced that Johnny Depp has been cast in the leading role of their next, as yet unnamed, big production. The screenplay is said to focus on an oddball actor who only accepts roles of weird characters in dark storylines.

“I’m very excited that I’ve been chosen to play this part,” said the Edward Scissorhands star. “It’s not what I’m used to, and it gives me confidence that directors recognize my adaptability.”

The basic plotline follows Donald Jepson, from his beginnings as a young actor as he slowly develops and gets pigeonholed into a very specific niche. Initially, Don is a regular young adult. He plays for a mediocre band which is going nowhere, until he gets cast in an action-comedy tv series. But as he progresses, he starts wearing irritating hats, with equally annoying scarves everywhere he goes. People start to view him as pretentious.

A pattern emerges. It seems Don is into weird things. He plays quirky, deformed, evil, and occasionally clinically insane characters. He often teams up with a director who has the same interests, and whose wife is a benefactor of his nepotistic disposition.

Casting of the secondary characters is yet to be finalized, but according to an unnamed Dreamworks source, a woman “who looks vaguely like she could be from the middle ages and is as pigeonholed as [Depp’s] character” is wanted. When asked if he had any premonition as to who it would be, Depp told us that he was stumped.

“I don’t know any actresses who fit that description. I’ve never worked with anyone like that, and I don’t know where they’re going to find her. Maybe they should ask Russell Crowe – he starred alongside a good one in that French film.”

Unemployment Benefits To Be Eliminated Due To Poor Economy

Posted on March 18, 2015 by JP

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The economy has been on a financial roller coaster for the last few years, and many American people have found themselves out of a job. With this poor economy, a lot of families have had to rely on unemployment benefits, but it appears that they will have to find another way to fend for themselves.

Due to the poor economy, government officials have announced that all unemployment benefits will be terminated until the country has enough stabilized their financial woes.

“The goal here is to have laid off workers attempt a different job field, or lower their standards for work,” said White House Spokesman Richard Miller. “Too many people are sitting home waiting for the perfect job to come around, and collected money for it, and that’s not helping to boost our nation’s economy, or our nation’s workforce.”

Miller says that hopes are that this push will have more American people back in the work field, even if it happens to be a job that they have never had before. They are claiming that this is a ‘tough love’ type of way to go about it, but feel that it will boost the economy in the long run.

“A lot of benefits were given out in the past decade, and it hasn’t seemed to help the economy grow at all. This is causing the country to lose a large amount of money, which is building up our debt,” said Miller. “For crying out loud, get out there and get a goddamn job and stop living off those of us that work our asses off.”

Alternative options are being thrown around to how people can find work or if they don’t agree with the decision. It is being suggested that all citizens that collect unemployment benefits should look for jobs as low as a paper boy or babysitting, and work on how they can budget their lives.

Democrats Form League of Legends Pro Team to Gain Gamer Election Support

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Democratic Party has made a move that no one anticipated, to secure votes from a substantial population. Hot on the heels of a new season for the game League of Legends comes Team Pro Democrat, or TPD for short.

The team will be led by possible Presidential Candidate, and Former U.S. Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. President Obama has shown interest in taking over the team when his presidency ends, stating “it would be great to stay in the game after 2016.” The team, backed by taxpayer dollars, has also hired several pro gaming trainers from Korean to help TPD climb from bronze ranking to the world champions.

“By competing and doing well, we’re hoping to gain the respect of fellow gamers,” Clinton said.

Experts say dedicated gamers generally don’t vote at all, since they are “too busy grinding away at their MMO of choice to bother keeping up on the debates, or even registering to vote for that matter.” By winning the support and respect of a few highly influential members of the gaming community, a very wide audience will be reached.

Republican congress members seem to have begun following suit, building a roster of team members to counteract this newfound avenue of campaigning. Marc Merill, president of Riot Games – the company behind League of Legends – said that he sees a “new era on the horizon” for eSports, and fully expects all government disputes to be settled on the Fields of Justice.

In the mean time, President Obama has officially declared League of Legends as America’s National MMO.

NHL To Launch Street Hockey League During Summer Months

Posted on March 18, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK, New York –

The NHL is excited to announce a new league they plan on starting this summer, and fans are saying it’s something that should have been done years ago. It has been confirmed that June 2016 will be the first ever NHL Street Hockey tournament, and if all goes well it will be a permanent organization.

Teams and players will be scouted soon for the tournament, and for now it will be labeled as a summer all-star tournament as a test for an official league.

Representatives from the NHL think that this will be a billion dollar enterprise, but want to make sure that players and teams will have the stamina to play during the summer without interrupting the busy standard hockey season. The street league will entail almost the same rules as ice hockey, but will add in a few factors that will make the game even more exciting to watch. One idea that has been batted around is adding small ramps in the playing field so players can get some air while going for a goal.

The league will also be open to professional rollerbladers and rollerskaters, assuming that those things still exist.