Human Sex Trafficking Start-up Business Discovered On Kickstarter

Posted on October 10, 2014 by Angela Baker

LOS ANGELES, California –

FBI agent Darrell Lynch has made several major arrests in his 14 years with the agency, but his latest is the only one so far to have been based around his teenage son’s choice in TV programs. Last week, Lynch was working from home on his laptop, while his teenage son was watching a new episode of South Park, which was parodying the idea of online start-up companies.

“I got to thinking about what bulls— startup companies there really are out there on those crowdfunding websites. I know that my dumb bitch ex-wife had dumped some of my hard-earned money into at least one in the past, so I knew there had to be more out there, and it was possible they were involved in criminal activity,” said Lynch.

It didn’t take very long researching new online companies until he came across something suspicious on one of the major crowdfunding websites, Kickstarter, where he spotted a supposed charitable mission to Rwanda and Tanzania that didn’t set right with him.

“The online campaign was asking for money to help get girls out of third world countries, but just didn’t seem to be as legit as it should be,” said Lynch. “See, we’re trained to recognize this sort of thing. Certain keywords and phrases stood out, like ‘trade-work,’ ‘special services,’ and ‘selling girls into prostitution to Americans with big wallets.’ After some inquiries, we were easily able to connect it to a human enslavement ring.”

Human trafficking is big business across the world. Owners of massage parlors, serving as fronts for brothels, buy girls from smugglers in impoverished countries all over the world. The victims are trapped here, knowing little English, with the exception of phrases like “happy ending” and “golden shower.”

The FBI has yet to release all the names of those arrested, citing the Patriot Act and the privacy of the enslaved girls, yet they have confirmed the online fundraising campaign was going to use the money to import some fresh faces out of Tanzania. The girls, who had been being lured here with promises of a better life and starring roles in A-List Hollywood films, are sold against their will, and end up being pimped by unscrupulous men and women who own the ‘massage parlors.’

Lynch says, “These funding websites are lucky we catch these kinds of things. If they made that 5% off the top of the revenue generated, enabling the funding of a human trafficking, they’d in big trouble. I’d personally pull the plug on their whole operation.”

FBI shift leader, Karen Crowe says, “We’ve organized a task force to investigate other crowdfunded start-up companies further. Who knows how many groups there are using people’s naïve donations to fund deplorable, criminal activities? Hell, it could be almost as many as the campaigns that are online raising money to turn second-rate TV shows into feature films!”

Johnny Depp Announces Plan To Run For President In 2016

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

While taking a break from the filming of the Kevin Smith comedy Yoga Hosers, acting icon Johnny Depp told entertainment reporter Sarah Mayer of Inside Entertainment Daily, that he is interested in politics and he plans on throwing his hat into the ring for the 2016 presidential election, which he says will be a great way to be ‘taken seriously.’

“America is screwed up, marijuana is illegal in most states, and the amount of time and money our judicial system spends on non-violent crimes is absolutely astounding. I’m sure people will laugh when they hear I am running for office, but for the most part, I hope to be taken seriously as an aspiring politician,” Depp told Mayer on Tuesday. “I have my film career and musical endeavors, and being president of the United States would be an adventurous side gig.”

Depp has made several controversial comments about the United States in the past, most infamously of which from an interview for the German magazine Stern, where he said “America is dumb, is something like a dumb puppy that has big teeth that can bite and hurt you, aggressive.” Depp said his comment was taken out of context, and that it was his response to how Americans have so much access to powerful things that they often get in over their heads.

Depp says that legalizing marijuana across the board is at the top of his agenda, but there is a lot more that needs to change. “I don’t think school children should be ordered to attend school five days a week, they have fragile little minds. They should go to school on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, giving their brains time to take in what they have learned the day before. I believe no employer should be allowed to not hire you based on your appearance or make you keep tattoos or piercings covered up. There is not enough individuality in the U.S., this needs to be addressed.” Depp added.

When asked about his chances as being considered a legitimate presidential contender, Depp said that he hoped he would have a better chance than most.

“Have you seen the clowns we have had in office the past fourteen years? Over the past 40 years, even. They are nothing more than puppets. There is zero honesty in U.S. politics today, I intend to put it all out there. If the American people can’t appreciate that, then the social decline will continue,” Depp answered. “I would have never considered putting myself through such a thing, but when you look at the list of contenders for 2016 it is a frightful observation. I am pretty sure that the American people don’t even like any of them.”

It is not the most far-fetched idea for a legendary actor to seek the presidency. Ronald Reagan made the jump after two succesful terms as the 33rd governor of California. In a nutshell, Depp admitted that he probably didn’t stand a chance, but it would indeed be the launching pad into politics, and would perhaps run for governor in his home state of Kentucky. “Within the next year, I will really put my ideas and beliefs out there, I will probably not be considered. But after that who knows, maybe I will run for governor of Kentucky,” Depp said.

The Secret To How ISIS Is Gaining Support And Funds From Around The Globe

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Rab

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Lead investigators from the Department of Defense have finally straightened out how exactly terrorist group ISIS is getting most of their money.

“It’s amazing to me, that this day and age, this idea didn’t occur to us before scraping the bottom of the barrel,” said DOD Defense Secretary Robert Gates. “As it turns out, this militant group are using self-made crowd funding websites to create and distribute their propaganda, and raise funds to continue their reign of terror. They seek support via the internet from regions they know will listen and back their ideals, and then provide links to their internet pages to those areas. They have secretly amassed billions of dollars for weapons, research and development – and lately most has been related to destroying the ‘American Pigs’, who they say should ‘never have gotten involved in their business.'”

With the Pentagon learning of the ISIS crowd funding sources, the Department of Defense has been in a panic. “They are doing crazy things on these sites,” Says Gates. “Just like Kickstarter and most other crowd funding sites, ISIS is offering perks for donations of different levels. The perks start small; ISIS t-shirts and ‘I SUPPORT ISIS’ bumper stickers, but the bigger the donation, the more horrific the perk, including specified bombings and attacks if you donate $250,000 or more. Their end goal is to get enough money to purchase rockets capable of oceanic flight. We are currently looking into which country they may purchase from once they reach their goal.”

After acquiring all of this information, the DOD has now launched a task force whose sole purpose is finding these crowd funding sites and taking them down permanently. “While it doesn’t erase the problem, it definitely puts a damper on their plans,” Says Gates. “We’re actually reaching out to members of Anonymous to help us, which is something I never thought I’d have to say out loud. At this point in time, though, better to help fight a foreign enemy with, essentially, a domestic enemy, than to not fight at all. I just hope we can eradicate the problem before they discover what kinds of support they could gain by creating a Facebook group.”

McDonald’s To Compete With Weight Watchers With New ‘Weight Loss Menu’

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

President and CEO of McDonald’s Don Thompson issued a statement today regarding the company’s decision to ‘stop making people fatter and start making them skinny.’

“Many of you are familiar with what Weight Watchers does by counting calories, and how it usually doesn’t do much good. Well, McDonald’s is excited to announce that beginning in 2015, we will be offering a menu of weight loss foods, which will be regular popular items such as the Big Mac and double cheeseburger, but will contain a scientifically proven secret ingredient which will cause you to shed pounds without having to exercise,” Thompson told members of the Associated Press.

Over the past several years, McDonald’s has been scrutinized and widely accused of providing its customers with extremely unhealthy foods and – due to their popularity and cost efficient menu items – making Americans fat. The company will reveal the new menu sometime in January. No details on available products were announced.

Thompson did tell the media that he believes the new menu will be so popular that the company will probably need to open a considerable amount of new locations.

“Everyone will be eating at McDonald’s, other fast food chains will close, and more and more McDonald’s locations will take their place. There are so many fat people in America that the plan is fool-proof. People are too lazy to exercise, so they want a way to lose weight without putting in any work, and we have the means to provide that,” stated Thompson. “It has taken our McDonald’s scientists years to develop our new secret ingredient, but come January, the world will get to see it in action.”

McDonald’s restaurants are found in 118 countries and territories around the world and serve 68 million customers each day. McDonald’s operates over 35,000 restaurants worldwide, employing more than 1.7 million people. With the new special ingredient, it is very well possible that these numbers could double and go beyond.

The news is most certainly exciting for the millions of overweight McDonald’s fans across not only the United States, but the world.

CDC: Viewing Of Lunar Eclipse ‘Blood Moon’ Could Cause Contraction of Rare Disease

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

On Wednesday morning, most of North America was privy to a viewing of a lunar eclipse ‘blood moon,’ the reddish hue from a sunset or sunrise that reflects onto the moon’s surface during a full lunar eclipse. When this happens, the moon will appear bright orange or red.

Although normally harmless to gaze at the moon, scientists have warned that anyone who may have witnessed the lunar eclipse ‘blood moon’ may have been hit with powerful, harmful doses of radiation, which they say is the equivalent of thousands of X-rays happening all at once.

“Everyone knows that the sun can be harmful to you, whether that means overexposure or staring directly at it,” said Dr. Marvin Lee, of the Center for Disease Control in Washington. “What many people don’t realize is that the sun also emits a fair amount of radiation that your body absorbs. Over time it could be dangerous, but in small doses it’s okay. During a lunar eclipse, though, when the sun is reflecting off a full moon, causing the ‘blood moon’ effect in early morning or early dusk, the powerful rays of the radiated sun become intensified, almost as if the moon is being used as a magnifying glass to point its harmful radiation directly into you.”

Dr. Lee says that most people won’t notice any side effects of the eclipse right away, but it’s possible that they may start to get violently ill over the next few days and weeks.

“It’s not entirely uncommon for people who’ve been exposed to these ‘moon rays’ to develop lycanthropy,” said Dr. Lee. “Lycanthropy usually will have an on-set once a month during each full moon, and generally will last for the rest of the infected person’s life. Symptoms include elongating of fingernails and teeth, rapid hair growth, and extreme rage and violence. At this time, there is no known cure for lycanthropy, and the contraction via lunar eclipse is new to us. Previously, the only way thought to contract the disease was through survival of a bite or scratch from another person infected with lycanthropy, so this is difficult science we are dealing with.”

Dr. Lee and the CDC say that anyone who may have been awake during the hour of the blood moon, and viewed it directly, should wait to see if symptoms develop before contacting their physician.

“They can’t tell if you’ve got Lycanthropy until the ‘claws come out,’ as it were,” said Dr. Lee. “If you think you may have contracted this disease from viewing of the eclipse, please seek professional help as soon as possible.”

Indiana Haunted Attraction Fulfills Dying Wish Of Homeless Man, Host Wake Inside Haunt

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

JEFFERSONVILLE, Indiana –

Haunted attraction Industrial Terrorplex, located in Jeffersonville, Indiana (directly across the Ohio River from downtown Louisville, Kentucky) will hold a public wake for a homeless man, who died from injuries sustained after being struck by car, as part of their show until Halloween night.

Carl “Kitty Kat” Heywood, 63, a homeless man hospitalized after being struck by an automobile on September 28th, told his friend, Nik Houpt, who had arrived at Clark Memorial Hospital on October 5th to check on his condition, just hours before his passing, that if he didn’t make it he wanted Houpt and his “other freak friends” to take him to “the haunted house” and let him “rest and say goodbye.”

Houpt told Empire News in an on-site interview at the nationally known haunt Industrial Terrorplex that he did not know what to make of the request, and just nodded his head and told Heywood that he would be fine and to get some rest. “He was in pretty bad shape and I think he knew. I really didn’t realize what he was asking at the time or how meaningful it was to him ya know?” Houpt explained.

As Houpt exited the Jeffersonville hospital he stopped, turned around, and re-entered the building to leave his telephone number at the information desk with instructions to have someone call him if Mr. Heywood’s condition were to change. “About three hours later the hospital called and explained to me that ‘Kitty Kat’ had died peacefully in his sleep,” Houpt said. “My heart just kinda dropped at that point and I kept replaying what he had said over and over in my head. I went and told Terry Campbell, the owner and operator of Industrial Terrorplex, what Kitty Kat had said. I don’t think he knew how to respond to that himself.”

Campbell, who has owned and operated the large, award-winning haunted attraction for several years, said that the more he thought about it, the more he realized what needed to be done. “I knew Kitty Kat didn’t have family, and there would be no service or anything, and I kept thinking about how he always went to extremes to make us laugh – telling tall-tales as if they were fact. He didn’t have anything but the clothes on his back, yet he found a way to make others laugh,” Campbell said.

Campbell would then set into action an unimaginable, unprecedented plan to hold a wake inside the over-the-top haunted attraction during hours of production, which customers would most certainly shockingly stumble upon.

“My really good friend Buffy Marie, who has dedicated a lot of time and involvement into the haunt, also happens to be a funeral director and mortician. I asked her if we could pull this thing off, and that money would not be an issue. We got it all figured out, and realized we could preserve him long enough to keep him laid out until Halloween. So we set up a room with a constant controlled temperature and steady humidity levels, rented a casket, bought him a nice suit, and there he lies. He was a troubled man, but possessed a really good soul. It feels good to know we are here for him,” Campbell expressed adamantly.

Thursday, October 9th at 8:00 pm, Industrial Terrorplex will open its doors to the always excited line waiting in adrenaline-laden anxiety to find out to what extreme the outlandish haunt has in store for them this year. It is anticipated that until word gets out of the wake, the gesture will shock customers.

“It is a risky move, but in the haunted house business we take risks every single year, and this time it is definitely worth it. Once customers enter the room, a greeter will give groups a brief history of Kitty Kat and how he loved hanging out around us all year as we re-designed and rebuilt our haunts, and explain what his body is doing there. It is possibly the first ever wake held in a haunted house,” Campbell said.

Industrial Terrorplex is open Thursdays – Sundays from now until Halloween. For hours and other information visit www.industrialterrorplex.com.

Florida Woman Sells Eye For $100 Cash

Posted on October 8, 2014 by kellybr

MIAMI, Florida –

Unemployed single mother Mary Sampson, 30, who was in desperate need of grocery money to feed her six children, was recently presented with a unique business opportunity.

“It’s embarrassing, but I was out panhandling for the first time in my life, and not doing well at all, when I was approached by two large Russian men who said they had a business opportunity for me,” said Sampson.

According to her account, after several minutes of hesitation, Sampson got into a van with the Russian men, and was driven to a warehouse. The ‘business opportunity’ that they presented was an offer to buy her left eye for the sum of $50.

“At first I was like not only ‘no,’ but ‘hell no!’” Sampson said. “But they [the Russians] made me feel guilty. They said my eye would go to an elderly woman, blind from birth, who only had six months to live. She desperately wanted to see before she died, even if it were only through one eye. I spent the longest ten minutes of my life trying to decide if I should sell it or not.”

Sampson finally agreed to help the blind woman, but needed more than fifty dollars for the groceries she was planning to purchase. Sampson said asking for more money led to a somewhat intense back and forth negotiation with the Russians until both parties finally settled on one hundred dollars cash.

“At first they wanted to write me a check, but I’m not stupid. Even though they seemed sorta nice, they might have tried to write a bad check. I’ve had people write me bad checks before. I told them I’m a cash only girl,” said Sampson.

The Russians had their own doctor extract the eye in a medical room they had conveniently setup inside the warehouse, and Sampson was dropped back at her panhandling spot the next day.

Sampson said she’s now adjusting ‘okay’ to life with one eye, minus a couple of infections, but was just glad she could buy groceries for her children.

“Plus, I got to make an old woman somewhere very happy by giving her the gift of limited vision,” said Sampson, proudly.

New Hampshire Town Bans Halloween, Makes Trick-or-Treating Illegal

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LIVERMORE, New Hampshire –

Livermore, a small town in Grafton County, New Hampshire, has become national news today after town residents have voted to not only ban Halloween activities from their schools, but also to make the act of trick-or-treating illegal. The beloved activity for many children, held annually on October 31st, was officially made a misdemeanor within town limits on Wednesday.

Town mayor Bob Appel explained the decision to the press early Wednesday morning, saying that banning candy and Halloween from within the schools was ‘not enough’ to keep their children safe from ‘mental harm.’

“Halloween is a dangerous holiday, filled with Satan, Pagan rituals, and dirty, filthy mischievous acts,” said Appel. “For many years, children of this town were allowed to participate in Halloween parties at school, but with those parties the ghosts, goblins, demons, and other evil spirits that all go against the Bible. The younger kids were frightened, and the older kids wanted to know all about Halloween, and its sinister, anti-Christian beginnings.”

The town voted to ban Halloween parties from schools and other public establishments in 2005. This year, though, will mark the first time that trick-or-treating will be completely abolished within town limits.

“Anyone caught trick-or-treating, or any homes that try to give out candy, will be ticketed with solicitation charges, a misdemeanor,” said Appel. “For entertainment, children should sit at home and study the Bible, or work on school projects. Halloween is an unholy night that I, personally, am glad to have had a hand in stopping in our little town.”

“I hated that on Halloween, I almost felt obligated to give out candy, lest I be tricked with rolls of T.P in my trees,” said Margaret Hamilton, a resident in Livermore. “This year I can finally relax in peace, with no little hooligans to bother me. I’d rather just keep my children home than have them out there with others who could be expressing themselves dangerously through costume and satan worship.”

“Personally, I think it’s bulls—,” said Cassandra Peterson, mother of 3 boys in Livermore public schools. “I love Halloween, and so do my boys. We all loved dressing up, watching scary movies, and going out for candy. Hell, we’re not even Christian. I guess we’ll head over a town or two and trick-or-treat there. They can’t ban it everywhere.”

“Just add Livermore to the top of the list of safe, Halloween-free towns,” said Appel. “You’ll never find poison candy or a razor blade in an apple here like you do in those other towns, that’s for sure.”

Mother Accidentally Feeds Foot Skin Scrapings To Young Children

Posted on October 7, 2014 by DvanL

FAIRFIELD, New Jersey –

By now, most people have seen the commercial for the Pedi-Pod, the egg-shaped foot scraper used to remove cracked and calloused skin from dry feet. Busy working Mom Danielle Forbes, 24, wishes she had never seen or heard of the product, and for good reason.

Forbes was busy with her hectic morning routine – waking and feeding her 2 children, preparing breakfast for herself and her husband, and getting herself out the door, all before 8:30 a.m.

“My 3-year-old Danni is allergic to eggs,” said Forbes, “so I have to make her breakfast separately from Donny’s.” Donny, 5, loves eggs and asks for them every day at breakfast. “I only used powdered eggs for Donny, too, because of Danni’s allergy so I don’t have to worry. Once I found out about these powdered, ‘fake’ eggs, everyone was happy.”

Everyone was happy up until one morning last week, that is.

“I got distracted because Danni was running a fever, so I had to cancel her pre-school, scramble to find a babysitter, plus I was trying to make breakfast at the same time. Then I picked up what I thought was the powdered eggs…” The powdered egg product, which is made from all-natural products, is called Shake An Egg, and also comes packaged in an egg-shaped capsule that closely resembles the Ped Pod. “I dumped it in the frying pan with some milk and butter for Donny, all while keeping an eye on Danni.”

Danielle explained that she had used the Ped Pod the night before in the living room, and Donny, fascinated with what he thought was a toy, must have brought it into the kitchen.

“The next thing I remember,” said Danielle, “is that my phone rings at work and it’s the school nurse saying Donny was throwing up in class. So I took an early lunch hour to pick him up and drop him back at home with the babysitter, and that’s when I saw the Ped Pod next to the frying pan.”

Danielle quickly put the pieces together. “I almost threw up myself,” she said. “To think that I fed my son the dry cracked skin that came off my feet is something that will haunt me forever. My feet have been places he certainly doesn’t need to eat the remnants of.”

Will Danielle use the Ped Pod again? “Maybe, I don’t know. Every time I look at it I get nauseous. But it does work. Eventually, I guess I’ll have to,” she admitted, rubbing her ankle. “It really makes my tired feet super smooth.”

Danielle hasn’t told Donny exactly what made him sick, fearing that if she did, he would become sick all over again. “I’ll tell him someday, but it will have to be a long way off. Someday when we can all look back at this and laugh,” she said. “In the mean time, I’ll just start giving them all some Cap ‘n’ Crunch.”

Johnny Manziel Looks Ahead To Career As Sports Broadcaster

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Ross Crain

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Following in the steps of former college greats like Tim Tebow, Johnny Manziel is working tirelessly to perfect his diction and stockpile quirky synonyms for dynamic touchdowns. During a recent press conference, Manziel talked about his future within the sport, looking ahead at a future in broadcasting.

“The reality is I’m lucky to be here. There are really, really talented and strong guys out there, and obviously I’m just not one of them. I can say some funny stuff, and make that ‘money’ sign with my hands, though. So I got that going for me,” said Manziel. “I have no allusions at all. I know I am built like an athletic Frodo Baggins. Now that’s great for Hobbits in a hairy foot race, but absolutely useless in the NFL. Thankfully, I got some pretty cool one-liners and catch phrases. Take ‘Johnny Football’ for example. I made that up myself. I can do nicknames for everybody someday.”

The charismatic college star couldn’t contain himself, and wouldn’t even stop to answer questions being poised by the reporters in the room. “I’m totally going to act like I can actually play in this league for now, though. Hell, I might even get lucky and ‘Tebow’ a few games. You know, when you win a few and everyone is like, ’What? How did that happen? That guy is a total fluke!’ That’s what a ‘Tebow’ is,” explain Manziel.

When asked about Manziel’s comments, Tim Tebow, a current free agent who has played for the New York Jets and the Denver Broncos, confirmed Manziel’s claim. “Yeah I got really, really lucky and everyone knows it. I mean, neither of us have any reason to be near a football game at all unless we are in TV studio commenting on athletes that are doing things that we will just never be able to do, or watching at home with some chips and a beer.”