Looney Toons ‘Superfan’ Injured by Anvil

Posted on September 26, 2014 by DvanL

WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia –

Anyone who’s seen a Road Runner cartoon knows the anvil gag – a heavy iron block used by blacksmiths somehow makes its way into nearly every cartoon, usually winding up in the hands or landing on the head of Wile E. Coyote, the Road Runner’s nemesis.

Life was not all ‘Merrie Melodies’ recently, though, for self-proclaimed ‘Looney Tunes Superfan’ Derek Whatley, 47, when he found himself with a broken leg while visiting a blacksmith’s shop in historic Colonial Williamsburg.

“We went down ‘Olde Main Street,’” said Whatley, “and stopped by the blacksmith’s to see how tools were made way-back-when.”

The Whatley family decided to spend a day at Colonial Williamsburg at the start of a cross-country trip.

“We saw a crowd in front of one of the storefronts,” said Derek’s wife, Susan. We went up and saw a demonstration by a blacksmith. It was fascinating! I made sure the twins, Elmer and Sylvester, got up close for a good look.”

The Whatley’s twins are 13, and blame themselves for what happened next.

“The blacksmith asked if anyone would like to experience what it was like to work in a blacksmith’s shop in the old days,” explained Elmer. “My dad’s always into new adventures, so we volunteered him.”

Whatley was outfitted with goggles, gloves, and a long leather apron to cover his Wile E. Coyote sweatshirt. The blacksmith explained that he was going to help him forge a piece of metal used in part of a hand pump for a water well.

“I started to hammer out the little flat piece of metal on the anvil, and I guess I hit it wrong, or something. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor, and I couldn’t feel anything from my left knee down. My wife was screaming and the kids were crying. I guess I was in shock.”

Whatley’s leg was broken when the anvil slipped from its block and tumbled onto his leg. A bolt used to secure the anvil, apparently weakened by years of metal fatigue, had snapped.

Whatley and family ended up in a nearby emergency room to have Derek’s broken leg attended to.

“Some of the doctors were laughing – the older ones anyway. I forgot that I was wearing my Road Runner cap and my Wile E. Coyote sweatshirt. I’m a the biggest fan of all those cartoons, and when I explained what happened and what fell on my leg, one of them looks at me and tries hard to keep from laughing, but he said he just couldn’t help it.”

The family will return to Williamsburg to fill out some incident reports and insurance forms related to the accident.

“The twins said I’m going to be an urban legend now,” said Whatley. The family is temporarily housed at a nearby motel.

“This isn’t the kind of vacation we thought it would be,” said wife Susan, “but it could have been worse. At the end of the day, it is what it is,” she said. “We’re trying to look on the bright side. At least he didn’t get blown up by TNT or fall off a cliff, you know?”

Warner Bros. Interactive To Release Mortal Kombat Vs. MLB Video Game

Posted on September 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BURBANK, California –

The action fighting series Mortal Kombat has grown to become one of the biggest video game series ever since it was released to arcades for the first time 22 years ago, but the newest installment in the series, which was announced last week, is probably the craziest idea yet – Mortal Kombat Vs. The Major League is set to debut at the beginning of next year.

The official word came from the headquarters of Warner Bros. Interactive, the publishing company that took over for Midway Games in the production of the Mortal Kombat series back in 2009. In an email sent to video game magazines and online publications, Ed Boon, original co-creator of the Mortal Kombat series, announced that his subdivision, NetherRealm Studios, had secured licensing from Major League Baseball for a roster of around 20 different players from several different teams to be included in the gameplay.

“We are extremely excited to announce that we are in the beginning stages of production for our new game Mortal Kombat Vs. The Major League,” Said Boon. “We at NetherRealm are extremely excited, as this is something we had been working towards with the League for several years, and as the licenses and agreements fell into place, everything started happening immediately. We are tentatively scheduling release for early spring 2015.”

Mortal Kombat has a long history of being extremely violent, causing controversy upon its initial release with its inclusion of graphic blood, realistic depictions of violence, and the creation of the ‘fatalities’ that fans have come to love over time. When asked via email about whether this game was going to be a more ‘toned down’ version, as some of the later Mortal Kombat games have been, Boon stated that there would be no holding back with this new game.

“We had to tone down some of the elements of violence for some of our later games and partnerships, such as Mortal Kombat Vs. The DC Universe. That was part of our agreement with DC, which wanted to be able to market the game towards children. The MLB has not imparted any restrictions on us in the use of their players or teams, so we’re aiming to make this one of the most brutal Mortal Kombat games to date.”

So far, there has been no official word on which teams or players might make it into the game, but as word got out to players, several have stepped up to offer their likenesses.

“It would be a dream come true to be in a Mortal Kombat video game,” Said Dustin Pedroia, second baseman for the Boston Red Sox. “I grew up on Mortal Kombat, like most boys my age. It would be an honor to face off against Scorpion. He can shoot his spear at me, and I can throw balls at his face. It would be hilarious.”

Warner Bros. Interactive will be watching the sales of this game closely, as Boon pointed out, because the numbers will directly correlate to whether or not they seek out licensing deals with other major sports clubs.

“Oh, definitely – we would love to make this into a series if it does well. NHL, NFL…really, the sky is the limit for what we can do with these characters,” Said Boon. “This is going to be the most fun game of the MK Universe so far. I can’t wait for everyone to play it. If there was ever a reason that we got into making Mortal Kombat games, it was so that we could combine the characters with other brands and keep the series going forever. No one will ever get sick of Mortal Kombat, that’s for sure.”

The game is being announced for release on the XBox One and PS4 consoles.

High School Gym Teacher Suspended For Forcing Girls To Play ‘Shirts vs. Skins’ Games

Posted on September 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEE, Massachusetts –

School officials at Hardin High School in Lee, Massachusetts are trying to handle a whirlwind of a media storm, after word got out this past week of their school’s gym teacher forcing the girls in his class to play basketball, dodgeball, volleyball, and other sports as “shirts versus skins” games.

Greg Creek, a new hire at the school this year, was put on a temporary suspension while the superintendent of schools, as well as the school principal and local police department, looked into the case.

“We are extremely disturbed that one of our teachers would be forcing girls to play sports topless. It is highly disrespectful and I’m pretty sure it’s mostly illegal, as several of the girls in Mr. Creek’s class were underage,” said Superintendent of Schools Melissa Dyer.

Creek, 36, has been a coach or a gym teacher at a number of New England schools over the last decade, and was most recently let go by a school in Concord, New Hampshire, for separating the homosexual students in his classes from the other students. It was reported that he would force the students to do arts and crafts, sewing or “other gay activities,” as opposed to the sports and games the rest of the class would partake in.

When asked why Creek, who had such a spotty record, would be hired at Hardin School, Dyer said that she was not made aware until recently why Creek had been let go by his previous employers, and only that he portrayed himself as a great teacher with a lot of great ideas to keep the kids healthy and active.

“He also wasn’t a scary, militant lesbian, which is what we have predominantly have had in the past for our physical education teachers. Generally our gym teachers haven’t been well liked by the students in the past,” said Dyer.

Students in Creek’s classes seemed to be un-phased by being forced to play topless in gym class. Several of the girls even claim that once they started being selected for the “skins” teams, their popularity in school went up significantly.

Molly Hamlin, 17, said that before Creek’s classes, she was a ‘nobody’ to the other students at Hardin. “I used to be, like, the invisible girl here at Hardin. People thought I was like, a freak or something, I guess. I didn’t have a lot of friends,” Said Hamlin, a senior. “Once Mr. Creek started forcing us into the shirts and skins games, boys started noticing me a lot more. I guess once my shirt came off and they got to see what they were missing out on, they actually noticed me. My Friday nights are always booked now. I’m so thankful for Mr. Creek!”

Parents are outraged, though, at Creek’s behavior, and most are calling for not only his job, but his literal head on a platter.

“This kind of disgusting pervertism cannot be tolerated,” said Regina George, murdering the English language. “I am the mother of 3 young, teen girls here, and I can’t believe that we have this man oogling our children’s dirty pillows. I am sickened. 2 of my girls, Katie and Felicity are not, well, you know – endowed. Now my girls have spats at home all the time, because my oldest, Samantha, gets all the attention from the boys at school. These games have ruined their self-esteem and their social lives.”

So far, Creek himself has not commented publicly, except to say that he was not doing anything wrong. “We just didn’t have enough colored jerseys to go around, so I improvised. It was not sexual at all. At least not as far as I was concerned,” said Creek in a prepared statement via his lawyer.

Currently, Creek will be on a multi-week suspension with pay until school officials decide what to do about his position. As of this writing, no legal charges had been filed by the school district or the parents of any of the students. Curiously, no one within the school offices, or parents of any children, seemed phased by the fact that Creek also forced boys into participating in the activities while bottomless.

Disputed Study Claims Laundry Starch Promotes Healthy Teeth and Bones

Posted on September 24, 2014 by DvanL

NIAGARA FALLS, New York –

“Smile and say ‘CHEESE!’” How many times have photographers used the familiar phrase to coax smiles out of family members, co-workers, and friends? You’d have to be a crazy person to try and guess. Well, hold on to your wits, because now the cheese stands alone. A new phrase may take its place: Smile and say ‘STARCH!’

A highly disputed study sponsored by the National Laundry Council (NRC) suggests that common laundry starch, when used as part of a balanced diet, improves bone density and promotes healthy teeth.

NRC researcher Phyllis Argo and University of Phoenix osteopath, Dr. Felix Haney announced study results.

“It started because I’m lactose intolerant and worried about osteoporosis. I realized that if starch could make my clothes and linens stiffer and harder, why not my bones?” said Argo. “If you look at pictures of my mother and grandmother – all the older females in my family – they’ve all got ‘Dowager’s Hump.”

“Dowager’s Hump” is the informal name for kyphosis, a condition in which upper vertebrae compression causes a hump at the upper back. Osteoporosis, or “porous bones” is the leading cause.

Dr. Haney provided details of his starch study. “I experimented with a variety of substances mostly based on appearance and density to calcium and enamel, and my research pointed toward common laundry starch as the most digestible alternative.”

“I can’t tolerate dairy, and I didn’t like the side effects of those bone pills I saw on TV. The commercial with the actress who broke her leg on stage frightened me. I didn’t want to hobble around with a hunchback. I was initially scared to just eat the starch, so I just bathed in it. That seemed to help, just like it helps the linens. But it wasn’t enough.”

When questioned on the validity not only for this study, but also for another of the doctor’s ‘chalk and vinegar’ regimens, he excused himself to ‘go find [the research reports].’ Moments later, his receptionist explained that the doctor was ‘swamped’ with house calls, and had left the premises.

Dr. Mehmet Oz, himself under fire for promoting fad diet pills, addressed starch therapy during a recent studio taping of his medical entertainment show, Dr. Oz.

“There’s no medicinal value to ingesting laundry starch,” he said. “Usually people have cravings for nutrients that the body needs. My advice is to get yourself checked out by your doctor and follow recommended treatment. Laundry starch is for laundry, isn’t that right ladies?” He asked his audience, receiving a standing ovation.

“Well, I’m going to keep with the regimen,” said Argo. I think I feel better since I started, and I trust my doctor,” she added. “My posture’s improved, I think.”

Subsequent calls to Dr. Haney’s office were not returned, but a voice recording on his office answering machine reminded callers to always discuss new treatments with your physician prior to beginning any regimen, especially ones where you’re going to be literally ingesting poison, such as with the laundry starch addition to your diet.

Wal-Mart To Begin Selling Breast Milk In Stores

Posted on September 24, 2014 by carriesnotscary

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

New moms everywhere can now tell their babies to let go of their tired breasts and grab their piggy banks, because Wal-Mart has announced their plan to begin selling pre-bottled breast milk in all of their stores. Super Wal-Marts across the country will sell the breast milk, which is to be pumped from lactating women in Indonesia, at their low prices as soon as March 2015, according to company executives. The breast milk will be imported to the U.S., and donors will receive approximately seven American dollars per gallon. All women selected will have healthy, tasty, drug and disease free breast milk ready for retail.

“This is profitable for us for so many reasons. But most importantly, there will always be babies. Out of all those babies, millions of them have moms who shop at Wal-Mart and don’t want to breastfeed. In the end, it benefits everyone,” said Wal-Mart executive Brent McGee. “It’s going to be affordable, and it’s going to fill your baby up. It’s also guaranteed to make your baby cry less, and smile more.”

McGee is right. Moms across America have expressed excitement about this new addition to Wal-Mart shelves. “I don’t want to breastfeed, and I can’t afford nor do I appreciate the ingredients that can be found in the formula,” said loyal Wal-Mart customer and soon-to-be mom Krystall Cooper of Lexington, Kentucky. “When this baby gets out of me, I want to drink all the Franzia wine I want, and that’s just not possible with breastfeeding. A girl’s gotta live! Even when she has a baby.”

Lauren Tooney of Tucson, Arizona feels relief. “I already have three kids to take to soccer practice, water polo practice, elocution lessons, piano practice, scuba diving, modeling classes, and I’ve got another kid on the way. I’d love to breastfeed, but I don’t have the time, and my God – have you seen the prices for formula? I can’t breastfeed it while I’m driving, but that was what I was planning on doing before I heard about this amazing Wal-Mart breast milk.”

McGee says that the milk will be part of their Great Value brand, and will be able to be purchased in half or full-gallon sizes, just as regular milk is sold.

Owen Wilson To Co-Star Alongside Vince Vaughn in ‘True Detective’ Season Two

Posted on September 23, 2014 by carriesnotscary

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

HBO revealed to the press today that funnyman Owen Wilson has signed on to co-star alongside Vince Vaughn in the second season of its popular and critically acclaimed dramatic series, True Detective. The two actors previously worked together in 2005 in the “hilarious” romantic comedy Wedding Crashers, and again in the 2013 film The Internship.

While the second season was rumored to feature Elisabeth Moss as a lead, the premium cable network opted to take advantage of their situation. “We already got Vince, so we figured, ‘why not try a Wedding Crashers reunion?’” An HBO spokesperson said. “It would’ve been foolish not to. I mean, nobody wants to see Vince Vaughn and Elisabeth Moss on-screen together. There wouldn’t be any laughs; she’s so serious. When you throw in Owen Wilson, nobody will want to miss that. Plus, they’ll improvise so much that the writers won’t have to write much dialogue. You wouldn’t make a Nicolas Cage movie without asking John Travolta to be in it, would you? You just can’t deny great chemistry. That’s what wins viewers. That’s what wins awards. Season two of True Detective is gonna be more hilarious than The Big Bang Theory.”

“I’m absolutely thrilled to work with Owen again, he’s my buddy,” Vaughn said. “I really was looking forward to working with a great dramatic actress like Elisabeth Moss, she’s so brilliant on Mad Men. I wanted to delve into dramatic acting, that’s kind of why I agreed to do this show, but now it won’t even feel like work at all. Just hanging out and riffing with Owen. And I get paid to do it!”

When asked how he feels about working with Vaughn again, Owen said, “It always feels good to be around people. Plus, it’s always fun to text Vince while we’re in the same room. Like, when he’s right next to me I’ll text him something hilarious like ‘Hey man, where’s craft service? I need a sandwich and to talk about my feelings.’”

Elisabeth Moss provided no comment, but the HBO spokesperson provided more unsolicited comments. “Why have a chick when we can have two dudes who will do anything to hook up with chicks and pretend to be detectives? ”

Liam Neeson Says Next Movie Is Just ‘Two Hours of Being a Badass’ While Talking on Phone

Posted on September 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

At one point in time, Irish actor Liam Neeson was best known for starring roles in dramas such as Schindler’s List or romantic comedies such as Love Actually, but after his turn as an ex-CIA assassin in the film 2008 Taken and its sequel Taken 2 in 2012, Neeson became known more for his badass phone call skills, especially when it comes to threatening kidnappers. In the film A Walk Among The Tombstones, which was released in the US this past weekend, Neeson again plays an ex-badge, this time a former NYPD detective, who once again makes his presence known to a set of kidnappers via several intense phone conversations.

Because Neeson says he is not afraid of being typecast as “that phone guy,” he has reportedly accepted a role in a new film that begins shooting next month in Southern California, simply titled Lots of Phone Calls. Neeson will play a character who does nothing but speak in threatening, yet soothing, tones to an antagonist over the phone.

“I really got to stretch my legs as an actor, getting into some gritty action back when I did Taken,” says Neeson. “Taken 2 was also a ton of fun, and people really love to see me get wild and kick some ass. More often, though, when I meet fans on the street, they always just want me to call their friends on their cell phones and say ‘I will find you, and I will kill you.’ It’s really a kick in the pants, you know?”

Neeson says this next film will just be made up of shots of him in a dimly lit room, wearing a tight, long-sleeved shirt and an old jacket, cussing-out and threatening a group of bad guys.

“They don’t know for sure if the film’s villains will be foreign, or maybe they’ll be American. We don’t even know for sure if I’ll be playing an American or not. All we know, is that the film is going to be intense, and filled with a lot of action – if you consider harsh, tense voices to be action. It’s going to be two hours of being a badass over the phone.”

The movie is currently in pre-production, and is reportedly being directed by Antoine Fuqua.

Poison Ivy To Be Placed on Endangered Species List

Posted on September 23, 2014 by carriesnotscary

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Poison Ivy, one of the most hated plants in the world that causes irritation and itching on skin, has a new ally who wants to protect it from ending up becoming extinct. While there being fewer of these plants in the wild is good news for gardeners, it’s bad news for botanists who grew a weird attachment to the annoying weed.

While most people are celebrating Poison Ivy’s potential exit from the Earth, while some botanists are in mourning. “I love toxicodendron radicans, because I like the green. It’s why I became a botanist,” said Eugene Humphries, founder of The Society to Save Poison Ivy From Extinction (TSTSPIFE), which is located in New Hampshire. “It might seem like it’s everywhere, but if you seriously look back and recall the last time you had Poison Ivy rashes, you were probably in elementary school. It’s really not that bad.”

To save Poison Ivy, Humphries suggests everyone stops pulling it from their gardens, backyards, lawns, and hiking trails. “The more that it stays, the more will grow. Gardeners and selfish moms with kids who whine about a little itch on their leg have destroyed the most aesthetically interesting plant I’ve ever known. Roses have thorns, but I don’t see anybody trying to pull them out of the ground and into extinction. Personally, I don’t see a problem with rolling around in the plant. It’s really very satisfying”.

Humphries will do whatever it takes to spread the word. He plans to go around the United States to recruit more TSTSPIFE members. He also shared his plans to place signs around parks, in yards, and gardens, reminding folks of the damage they’re doing to the Earth. “If Poison Ivy goes away, I have to live the rest of my life knowing that people I don’t like will enjoy their hikes, itch-free,” he said. “All I really need is two or three more members, so I’m not doing this alone. Help me protect toxicodendron radicans, and you’ll help save a wonderful plant, and maybe even help save the world.”

Republican Party Plans to Change Symbol From Elephant To Yacht

Posted on September 22, 2014 by carriesnotscary

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an attempt to appeal to all demographics, the Republican Party has announced plans to change its symbol from the iconic, steadfast image of the elephant, to a yacht. This campaign to make the historical change in a political party so known for tradition was spearheaded by the young adults of the party, specifically the Young Republic National Federation, also known as the YRNF.

“It’s about time,” said YRNF president Braxton Davis. “Every hard-working, Christian, tax-hating, big business-loving, pro-life, Polo-wearing Republican has a yacht for cracking open American made brewskis.”

The party is frantically preparing for the 2016 presidential election, when the yacht symbol will be in full effect. To at least pretend like they try to save money, they’ll use the rest of the stickers, posters, and pins that have elephants on them until they completely run out.

“This way, the party is more itself. I mean, I’ve met Democrats who love elephants…this girl I dated had an elephant necklace and she voted for Obama. But I can’t even count how many Democrats like yachts on a finger, but that’s mostly because I can’t lift my fingers due to the giant class rings and champion rings from my years of playing good old American football,” Davis added. “And if the Democrats want to get on our level, we think a marijuana cigarette would be a great symbol.”

This transition has been reviews as being very popular among older, ‘respected’ Republican politicians. Mitt Romney said, “While not all Republicans drink American brewskis on their yachts, this symbol really speaks to all generations of Republicans, and will make a huge difference in our long, hard effort to take over the universe.”

Tinder Cancels Accounts For People It Considers ‘Too Attractive’

Posted on September 22, 2014 by carriesnotscary

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tinder, the popular ‘hot or not’ dating app, has made the controversial decision to block users it considers too attractive due to a substantial overflow of users. According to founder Gary Tinder, it was a tough decision, but the right one that will save the business in the long run.

“We just couldn’t keep up with the overwhelming number of users. There’s millions of lonely people joining every second . . . especially between the hours of 12am and 4am. While I want to include everyone who is horny, sad, or just trying to do it with a stranger who is less than two minutes away, there have to be limits,” said Tinder. “Our technology cannot handle every person in heat, and it would be really rude to deny the people who are probably not good looking enough to be charming in person.”

Some extremely attractive people figured out something was wrong with the popular app before they officially revealed their secret. Alexis Wartz of Silver Lake noticed the trend early, when she was refused a download on her iPhone. “My friends were just like, ‘OMG you should do Tinder, I met this guy who asks me if I’m up at 3am every single weekend!’ So I tried, and it said the download didn’t work. I was at a Starbucks and the WiFi was so working and I kept trying and it never worked, but it worked for all my friends. It feels kinda good now that I know I’m too sexy to be on it. It’s a compliment and I’ll never stop bragging about it to my friends, who now have proof that I’m the prettiest one in the group.”

Liam Rash of New York City recalled his rejection from across the country. “I had the app for a while, but then one day it just disappeared. I tried to re-download it, and it wouldn’t work. I’m sitting there depressed, thinking ‘I’m one minute away from the hottest, most desperate chicks in all of Murray Hill, and I don’t even have to get out of bed…and I can have my hand down my pants if I want to.’ It sucks that I’m too hot for this thing, because I’m so socially awkward that I can only approach women through an iPhone without having a mental breakdown about how much I miss my mom, who lives upstate.”

“If the user demand continues to grow, we’ll probably just make a Tinder for ‘ugly’ to ‘average’ people, and a separate one for ‘above average’ to ‘hot’ people. But for now it’s our number one priority to make the app available to everyone we can as quickly as possible. We are just asking that everyone, from ugly duckling to beauty queen, just give us some time to get the kinks worked out.”