Myrtle Beach To Start Accepting Sand Dollars As Currency

Posted on September 21, 2014 by carriesnotscary

MYRTLE BEACH, South Carolina –

According to Myrtle Beach mayor John Plunkett, the utopia of the east coast will now be accepting sand dollars as currency.

With costs of all tourist expenses skyrocketing, the city decided it needed more options for currency. “There just aren’t enough dollars and cents to generate revenue anymore, especially with the rental costs for a beach umbrella at a shocking $1.00 per minute, and on a beach that could really use a good cleaning at that,” said Plunkett. As for value, one sand dollar will equal one American dollar. “We discussed this a lot, it was a very hard decision. But we figured with the word ‘dollar’ already in the mix, people would get very confused if it meant anything else.”

To be accepted as currency, sand dollars must be dead and dry. “You can’t just take a walk on the beach, find a sand dollar and try to buy a Corona with it. I know it’s a lot to ask, but for this to work we need our tourists and residents to have a grain of sand of dignity!” said Plunkett. “And trust me, a lot of research went into this, so we know what a sand dollar looks like if you use a hair dryer on it.”

The sand dollars will go into effect as real money in Myrtle Beach starting the first of next month. “The city consulted all local businesses about this, and we all agreed it would be great for us,” said local resident and waiter Boyd “Spanky” Gotcrabbes. “I can’t even express how excited I am to have hundreds of sand dollars to display on my mantle when I get home from a shift at the Crabs. No, not that kind! Shack. Crab shack! And sand dollars can’t even fit in a jar, so if I need a few bucks for a drink, all I have to do is grab some decorations, and head off to the bar.”

Plunkett, and the city of Myrtle Beach, are excited for the prospects of this new development. “If this works, other cities will do it…Charleston, Greenville, Columbia. It could even move up all the way to North Carolina. Maybe one day we’ll be in the history books for being the town that saved America from its terrible recession, and not just a boozy beach town with really expensive umbrella rentals.”

Exotic Dancer Sues Miley Cyrus Over Stolen Routines

Posted on September 21, 2014 by katiek

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

Anastasia Rhapsody, an adult entertainer at The Kitty Kave Gentlemen’s Club, announced in a press conference today that she has filed a lawsuit against Miley Cyrus for stealing parts of her act.

The lawsuit charges Cyrus with ‘wrongful appropriation’ of creative material conceived by the stripper and used in her popular act. Rhapsody is seeking $8 million in damages, which her lawyers consider a fair amount of the profit Ms. Cyrus has made by using the allegedly stolen material.

An emotional Rhapsody, surrounded by her lawyers and representatives of the Exotic Dancer’s Union, told reporters that she has suspected for some time that Cyrus had been spying on her and stealing her material.

“That foam finger thing she did on the VMAs? That was mine. I did an almost identical act at the 49ers pre-Super Bowl party a couple of years ago, except I was twerking on one of the players and not Robin Thicke. But I let that slide, thinking it might be a coincidence, even though she even used the tongue too,” Rhapsody said, sticking out her extremely long tongue to demonstrate. “I mean, after all, foam fingers are pretty common, aren’t they?”

“I started getting real darn suspicious when she came out with that ‘Wrecking Ball’ video, though. One of my most popular acts starts with me swinging onto the stage on a big disco ball,” Rhapsody told reporters. “Not everybody swings around on a big ball, now do they?”

By then, the stripper said, she had seen Cyrus in the club several times with young homeless men who the singer was treating to a night out. “I thought she was real nice for doing that, you know?” she said. “But I confronted her the next time she came in about that video. She told me there was no way anyone could mistake her video as being anything like my act because she was wearing boots and riding a wrecking ball, while I was wearing platform shoes and riding a disco ball. Besides, she was licking a hammer and I wasn’t. “

“She was real sweet about it. And like she said, I didn’t lick no hammer in my act, so I couldn’t prove anything.”

The tearful stripper went on to say that she finally felt confident in filing the lawsuit after Cyrus appeared at a New York Fashion Week after- party a few days ago wearing pasties. “They were identical to the ones I wore the last time Miley was in the club, and my lawyers said that was enough to convince a judge. I think she might have stolen some stuff from a few of the other girls at the club too, but we just can’t prove it.”

“I thought she was a good person. I mean, she bought those poor homeless guys drinks and lap dances. She even pole danced on stage with us girls,” Anastasia said. “I guess I was wrong.”

Cyrus has not yet commented on the accusations.

‘Memory Foam’ Inventor Diagnosed With Alzheimer’s Disease

Posted on September 21, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Professor Gerald Harding, NASA scientist best known as “The Grandfather of Memory Foam,” has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.

“Professor Harding is the world’s foremost authority on synthetic materials and their application,” said Gerald Harding, Jr., son of the inventor. “His NASA research in the 1970s improved the lives of many, so it is with sadness that we report to you the current condition of his health.”

The announcement was made so that focus would not be lost on the illness.

Although the foam is currently associated with furniture and mattresses, it was originally developed by Professor Harding to improve cushioning for pilots and astronauts during long-duration flights and missions, and to protect test pilots and aviators from injury.

Professor Harding began exhibiting signs of memory loss and general dementia some time ago. Gerald, Jr. spoke of his father’s illness.

“He’d go into the kitchen and forget why. We all do that occasionally, but it got worse as time went on. He’d come back into the living room, sit down and ask ‘Is this a new chair? It’s so comfortable!’”

Gerald, Jr. would explain that the professor himself invented the very foam that made the chair so pleasant.

“Sometimes he’d remember, sometimes he wouldn’t. The chair remembered him more than he remembered the chair.”

“You know,” said Gerald, Jr. “the disease has mellowed him out. He’s enjoying things now that he never had time to enjoy before”

A tribute dinner is planned.

JELL-O Deficiency Linked To Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Posted on September 20, 2014 by DvanL

DEERFIELD, Illinois –

Workers at Kraft Foods, Inc. couldn’t be happier in these less than certain economic times. For them, the future looks bright and shiny.

Jack Pepper, production manager for Kraft Foods’ JELL-O Division said, “We just read a report from the National Council on Osteopathy, and they say gelatin helps relieve carpal tunnel syndrome! We couldn’t be happier!”

Carpal tunnel syndrome results when unnatural, repetitive pressure is placed on the median nerve located in the wrist. Symptoms include numbness, tingling, shooting pains into the hand, and compromised hand movement.

“Gelatin is a natural fleor,” said Dr. Ambrose Seelig, of Baltimore’s Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Dr. Seelig coordinated a groundbreaking gelatin study after his dog, Joy, accidentally ate an entire JELL-O mold that he and his veterinarian wife had made for a pot-luck dinner.

“Joy’s not supposed to have table scraps, but she’s a tricky one. She’s 14, and starting to show signs of slowing down – the usual things that happen with a dog of a certain age,” said the doctor. “She was having a lot of trouble with her joints; they were stiffening, and her paw actually had what in humans would be diagnosed as carpal tunnel. She scratched at the door so much with repetitive paw movements, so her mobility became compromised.”

“Then, I had an ‘Oprah Moment,’” said Seelig. “Well, that’s what my wife called it.”

Two days after Joy ate the JELL-O mold, her mobility increased and even her coat looked shinier. “I thought I was imagining things,” said the doctor, “but my wife confirmed it!”

Joy’s paw was becoming more mobile.

“We kept feeding her JELL-O,” said Dr. Seelig. “She loves it! She thinks she’s getting a treat, but she’s actually involved in good, sound medical research!”

Dr. Seelig wondered if the JELL-O treatment could produce the same result for two-legged sufferers.

Human trials were arranged at a testing facility in Maryland. An ad was placed on craigslist asking for volunteers who suffered from the syndrome.

“We had personalized bowls of JELL-O lined up, ready and waiting for the volunteers,” said Seelig. Some of them were disappointed that they weren’t receiving experimental drugs. A few severe cases couldn’t even shake hands or hold a spoon when they walked in, but after a month, their symptoms had disappeared, or were greatly reduced.”

“Our division is working ’round the clock,” said Jack Pepper, as he supervised production from the busy JELL-O floor. “We’ve even had to hire a new midnight shift! It’s great! I look out here and all I see for miles and miles are happy employees pulling levers up and down, back and forth, again and again and again; boxing gelatin, hand-mixing flavors, sealing bags, over and over and over again — 24/7! Everyone’s thrilled!”

Vegan activists are hoping for an equivalent therapy, as most gelatin products are derived from the skin, bones, hooves, and connective tissue of animals, and therefore not fit for human consumption.

“Joy’s doing great!” says Dr. Seelig. “Except for her green tongue. She likes the melon flavor now, though,” he said.

Infant’s First Word Horrifies Mommies at Play Date

Posted on September 20, 2014 by DvanL

SAN DIEGO, California –

11-month old Madison Fowler from San Diego, California, has been banned from play dates indefinitely.

“It’s all my fault,” says Diane, little Madison’s mother. “Kids pick up what they hear, and I’m the one to blame.”

When most mothers would be celebrating their baby’s first word, Diane, 24, can only hang her head in shame, while cupping her hand over Madison’s mouth. “’Sh––stain.’ She’s calling everybody ‘sh––stain. I use that word an awful lot when I’m changing her – her diapers I mean,” said Diane. “Well, I used to say it, until the day before yesterday.”

Up until 2 days ago, Diane and Madison were invited to more play dates than they could keep up with. But all that changed when Madison looked up into the eyes of last Monday’s ‘host mommy’ Jean, reached out to grab her finger, and said ‘s––stain.’

“I was so embarrassed,” said Diane. Everyone stopped what they were doing and Madison kept saying that word over and over and over again — ‘s––stain, s––stain, s––stain’ — I couldn’t get her to stop. They kicked me out and said I was banned from coming to any more play dates because of Maddie’s potty-mouth.”

“We can’t afford to have a bad influence here,” said Monday’s ‘host mommy’ Jean. One child says something, then the next thing you know, all the kids are saying something and we just can’t have that. I’m trying to raise Christian children here. We all are!” she added.

Meanwhile, back in Diane’s apartment, typical objects are scattered throughout — a playpen, toys, baby stroller, bottles, formula, and — to put it delicately — poo stains from little Madison decorating several dozen spots around her playpen and changing table.

“I feed her organic baby food that I make myself,” explained Diane. I don’t like artificial things in food, pesticides and things like that. She’s kind of – what’s the word I’m looking for? ‘Explosive’ I guess is the word. Food comes out of her like target practice. If it’s a choice between no play dates and Maddie’s health, I’m choosing her health! Any mother would.”

There’s little to no chance of reinstatement back to play date group for Diane and Madison.

“They tore up my agreement. They’re very strict. One new mother was banned because her 6 month old drooled too much. All the other mothers cross the street when they see me now. I guess you get to really know who your friends are,” said Diane, her eyes brimming with tears.

“It’s not fair,” she cried. “She’s just a baby and it’s all my fault and it was her very first word and I can’t tell anyone and -” Diane was interrupted by Madison as she threw her toy cellphone on the floor and said “s––stain.”

The young mother buried her head in her hands and wept.

85-Year-Old Woman Gives Berth On Steamship

Posted on September 19, 2014 by IHacklesworth

THE OPEN SEA, Worldwide –

An 85-year-old woman surprised everyone aboard the ship the Queen Mary bound to New York from England when she gave berth on board. The vessel’s captain, Dmitri Vasilov, said that in all his many voyages he has never seen anything like it. And that she gave berth to two youngsters defies the imagination.

“Imagine that!” said Vasilov by ship to shore telephone, “At her age to give berth to anyone, let along two young ones, that is one for the books!”

Widow Margo Frammis of Brooklyn, New York, was returning home from a visit with relatives in Wales when a young couple on their honeymoon approached her with a predicament. It seems that the ship company had given them a berth designed for a single person in their small stateroom. For the first several nights of the voyage they made do, but now they found that the accommodations were completely unsatisfactory.

The couple, identified as the new Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Hampton of Secaucus, New Jersey, asked if Mrs. Frammis would consider giving her berth to them, as the captain had told them her berth was one of the more spacious berths on board.

“I had a terrible crick in my neck,” said Mrs Hampton, “And Jerry gets these leg cramps after, well you know, he gets leg cramps at certain times…” She said, blushing slightly. Jerry chimed in, “It’s just a big mixup, but we really did try to make the best of things. Captain Dmitri suggested we speak with Mrs Frammis, but said he did not hold out too much hope because in all his years at sea, he has never seen any elderly persons give berths to someone else.”

Mrs. Frammis, a spry and lively old lady, winked at this reporter when she said, “I was young and on my honeymoon once, you know, and my heart went out to these young people. As a Christian woman, I could not have turned them down in their time of need.” Asked how she liked her new berth, Mrs. Frammis said it was just the right size for her. “I was married to my late husband for sixty-two years, but God forgive me, he was a snorer and a twitcher, all night long his body would twitch and it drove me nuts! I didn’t want this new bride to remember her honeymoon for her husband’s leg cramps. That’s no way to start a marriage!”

The Hamptons and Mrs. Frammis plan to stay in touch after their voyage, and they were effusive in their praise for her and that she gave her berth to them.

‘Penis Monologues’ Finishes in Buffalo, Coming to Broadway in 2015

Posted on September 19, 2014 by IHacklesworth

BUFFALO, New York –

“The Penis is Coming to Broadway!” declared theater impresario Arthur Furioso, author and one of the actors who appears in the new play ‘The Penis Dialogues,’ now finishing up a successful run at Buffalo’s art-deco 3,076-seat Century Theater located at 511 Main Street. The theater, built in 1921 as a movie theater, has not seen such an outrageous and controversial performance since it was used in the 1970s as a rock music venue for the likes of Cheap Trick, Peter Gabriel and the Kinks.

“The time has come for the Penis!” continued Furioso. “’The Penis Monologues’ will turn Broadway upside down and have it begging for mercy!”

Mort Gage, an actor who will follow the play to New York City, said that coming to Broadway is a dream come true. “This is an important work and I am very proud to be a part of it.” Gage plays ‘Little Johnny’, a bawdy character whose journey begins as a child who accidentally discovers his parents making love and asks them to make puppies, referring to an earlier observation in the neighborhood of two local canines similarly engaged. During his eight minute stay on the stage he ages and eventually becomes a young man, asking his new bride a number of innocent questions culminating in a discussion of household electrical connections.

“Little Johnny is an important character in the play since he embodies the playful nature of the penis and elicits a fond reflection in the audience of their own time of innocence,” said Gage.

’The Penis Monologues’ is similar to the popular ‘Penis Puppets’ show that played worldwide some years ago. Who would have thought back then that a couple of guys from Australia would be an international sensation by flopping their junk around on stage?” said, Furioso, referring to the play ‘Puppetry of the Penis’, created by Simon Morley and puppeteer David “Friendly” Friend in Melbourne in 1998. That play toured the world and is still in existence almost 20 years later. “We are looking forward to making a big splash in New York City,” said Furioso.

Playwright Eve Ensler, creator of the 1994 play ‘The Vagina Monologues’, could not be reached for comment, but one actress who has performed in ‘Vagina,” and who asked not to be named, said she expects the ‘Penis” show to have a flaccid run and limp out of New York at the end of their session.

“The Penis Monologues” will open at NYC’s lavish 42nd Street Theater in April 2015.

New San Francisco Eatery Caca-Burger Features Eco-Friendly Sustainable Menu

Posted on September 19, 2014 by IHacklesworth

SAN FRANSICO, California –

San Francisco’s newest eatery boasts the ultimate in Eco-Friendly and Sustainable food sources; Caca-Burger is the first venue in the Bay Area to utilize only the finest recycled fecal matter in its culinary creations. Some food critics, while publicly applauding the innovative approach to cuisine, have said privately they have serious concerns that this will spawn a host of less savory knock offs.

“I’m surprised this was never tried before,” said Caca-Burger owner and head chef Robert Mierda as we relaxed over cups of steaming Asian Palm Civit coffee. “For instance,’ he said, pointing to our coffee cups, “this coffee comes from beans ingested and defecated by a tiny animal in Southeast Asia. Delicious, right? And almost a hundred bucks a pound!”

But is the public ready for a feces-based menu? “Not for everyone, and not as an everyday thing,” answered Mierda, “But our ambiance is ideal for an unusual date night. We also have a special Breakup Menu for Two that will enable someone to breakup with their significant other more easily, especially if the other is at all picky about food. Imagine the fun when they suddenly and dramatically discover that their dietary preferences are incompatible. Our servers refer to the Breakup Menu as ‘The S— Hits the Fan,’ but it does not appear that way on the menu.”

“It’s not so strange, really,” continued Mierda. “Americans have dined on cooked feces for many years. Take shrimp, for instance. Ever wonder what that dark strip on the back of shrimp is, the thing they call the sand vein? It’s the intestinal tract of the shrimp. Yeah, that’s right! And don’t even get me started on sausages! The animals we use are carefully selected for health and fed a balanced feed of grains and fruit only. Our veterinarian examines each animal once a week and should one become ill and require anti-biotics, they are immediately removed from the fecal food chain. Diners need never worry that they will be subjected to anti-biotics and other potentially harmful substances the way they are at too many restaurants in the Bay area.”

Some of the menu items sound tempting, with names like ‘Caca-Burger Supreme with Portobello Mushrooms and Truffle Mayo,’ ‘Flop a l’orange,’ and the extremely straightforward ‘Poop Poop Poop Pudding.’

Reached at the Bay Area Public Health Division, Registered Nurse Jackie Dickson explained the Division’s landmark decision to license the unusual eatery. “It’s really a matter of cultural diversity,” she said. “Each of these menu items has some cultural or historic correlation and Mister Mierda has carefully documented each occurrence. Under Bay Area statutes regarding cultural diversity, our hands are tied. And of course, the food production is routinely inspected by a veterinarian.”

“I guess it’s not that unusual,” she continued. “Do you know about shrimp and that coffee they pass through the cats? People have been doing that for years.”

An informant at the FDA advised us that the agency has taken an interest in the eatery, but they are proceeding with caution. “All this administration needs is a s—storm over something like this, if you’ll pardon the pun. Everyone in the administration is on notice that cultural diversity rules the day and no one wants to get in front of that.”

Caca-Burger is located on Zeitgeist Street in the Mission District. Hours are Noon to 9PM Monday through Saturday. Major credit cards are accepted.

Pentagon Replacing Military Boots with Athletic Shoes

Posted on September 18, 2014 by IHacklesworth

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

General Martin Dempsey, the nation’s top military officer, stunned reporters today with the announcement that beginning immediately, the use of military boots, often inaccurately called ‘combat boots’, will be phased out. Beginning next week, new recruits at all armed forces boot camps across the country will be issued athletic shoes and other footwear of varying types.

“Two hundred years of military tradition has been cast aside to clarify the new twenty first century missions of each branch of the Armed Forces,” Dempsey told the standing room only conference room. “The presence of military units in this country has been described for decades with the wholly inaccurate phrase ‘boots on the ground.’ But that ends now.”

Dempsey explained that it is time for the military to acknowledge the different roles played by its members. “For instance, there is no necessity for soldiers in clerical roles to wear heavy military boots while working on a computer in an office. Therefore, even though those troops might be in-country, to say they are part of the ‘boots on the ground’ in any campaign would be erroneous.”

White House officials rejected that this move was in response to the President’s promise not to put ‘boots on the ground’ in Iraq and Syria. Reached aboard Air Force One en route to Atlanta this afternoon, Press Secretary Josh Earnest reiterated General Dempsey’s earlier statements regarding the changes in military footwear.

“These are modern times, and modern times call for modern footwear. The standard GI military boot was designed for combat in the second World War and Korea. I think you will agree that the world is very different now than it was in the 1940’s and 1950’s.”

Asked if it would now be accurate to use the phrase ‘footwear on the ground’ in any future military actions, Earnest promised he will have an answer later today for the Press Corps, but they were about to land and he needed to be sure his seat back was in the full upright position.

A press briefing packet issued by the Pentagon shows that active duty Air Force personnel will be issued Nike Air Jordans and wingtips, depending upon rank, active duty Navy personnel will be issued Dockers, Army will be issued New Balance hiking Shoes, and the Marine Corps and other elite units can choose shoes at their discretion, so long as they cannot be mistaken for a boot of any kind.

In a similar development, Secretary of State John Kerry said from Paris, where he is meeting with foreign leaders, that the official footwear of the State Department going forward will be flip-flops. No explanation was given for this decision.

Iowa Farmer Breeds Three Legged Chickens; KFC Plans ‘3 Drumstick Meals’

Posted on September 18, 2014 by IHacklesworth

ACKLEY, Iowa –

Iowa farmer Warren Milledge has a lot to be proud of lately. He has a new grand-daughter, was recognized by the local Grange for 40 years of service, and as a lifelong chicken farmer, he has been the first person to successfully bred a three-legged chicken.

“I’m naturally most proud of our new grand baby, Sunny Ann Milledge,” said in an interview on his Marshalltown Pike farmstead. “Eight pounds, seven ounces and giggles and gurgles all day long. Gosh, we love that baby! “But those three-legger hens are surely an amazing miracle.”

Milledge, a 1977 graduate of the University of Iowa Cedar Rapids Agriculture program, explained how he came up with the idea a three legged chicken in the first place. “You see, it was when there were just the three of us, this was before our son Benjamin was married. I love a drumstick, Ben loves a drumstick, and mother loves a drumstick, but as you know a chicken only has two legs so only two drumsticks. That meant roasting two chickens each time so there were enough drumsticks.”

Milledge says that at first, it was just a joke around the house that they should try to somehow breed a three-legged chicken. Then after joking about it for several months, it started to become less of a joke, and more of an intriguing possibility.

“One day a Divine Providence visited this humble Iowa farm,” said Milledge. “A chick was born with two normal legs and a smaller, non-functioning leg that sort of twitched a bit. You’ve probably seen pictures of two-headed snakes or two-headed cows and sheep and whatnot. Well, this was along those lines.”

“Normally those freak animals don’t survive birth, but this little chicken, we eventually found out he was a rooster, was very lively so I chose him for breeding and after a few peeps, which is what we call bunches of newborn chicks for you city fellers, we got two more chicks with those little legs. So we started breeding those two with the rooster and eventually achieved chicks with fully functional third legs. There was a short piece in Iowa Farmer’s Digest and that’s when KFC got involved.”

Purvis Jones, a spokesperson for KFC, confirmed that the fast food company has taken a keen interest in the three-legged chickens, and have approached Milledge with the idea of being one of their key breeders.

“The long range plan for us is to offer meals with three drumsticks, but that is a few years away. Right now, we are working with Mr. Milledge to breed a solid base of three-legged chickens for production. He has about two hundred chickens now, but we need to see flocks in the many thousands before the three-leggers are commercially viable for us. Right now, three-legged chick births are only running about 60% and we’d like to see some improvement in those numbers. Plus, there’s the other problem,” Said Jones, deferring to the Milledge Farm for further comment.

“Yep, that’s true,” said Milledge, with a slight laugh. “The problem, well…we have a big problem with the three-leggers. You see, we don’t yet know how these chickens taste because, well, do you have any idea how fast a three-legged chicken can run? Well, it’s pretty fast, I’ll tell you fer darn sure. We haven’t caught one yet.”

Once Milledge is finally able to catch and sample the chicken meat, KFC will request samples for their future meal plans.