Police Accidentally Fire Laughing Gas at Ferguson, MO Protesters

Posted on August 15, 2014 by DvanL

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Amidst rising tensions and violence stemming from the police shooting and subsequent death of unarmed African American teenager Michael Brown comes an unintended moment of unplanned and ill-timed levity.

Members of the Ferguson police department used incorrectly labeled canisters of nitrous oxide, more commonly known as ‘laughing gas’ against a crowd of demonstrators assembled for a peaceful protest.

At an evening press conference during the melee, Chief of police Thomas Jackson remarked, “In our haste to assess and control the situation and to clear the immediate and surrounding vicinity, several of our officers utilized the wrong supply of materials.”

Stifling a bout of laughter, Jackson continued, “They grabbed the … they grabbed the wrong cans!” After several minutes, Jackson regained his composure and continued. “Now is the time for law, order, and peace to return to our community. We ask for everyone’s cooperation.” Jackson hurriedly exited the press conference to assume command of the police operation, covering his mouth as he left.

Nitrous oxide is a sedative agent and its use is standard practice during dentistry procedures. Often, feelings of calm and light-headedness result from exposure to the gas, with some individuals expressing giddiness and euphoria.

The August 9^th shooting of an allegedly unarmed Michael Brown, 18, by police officer Darren Wilson under still-conflicting circumstances, has ignited a nationwide firestorm and initiated coast-to-coast discussions on issues involving race relations, militarization of local police departments, and questions of reasonable force when subduing and dispersing public gatherings.

Huffington Post reporter Gayle Jacobsen, an early online presence since the outbreak of the conflict struggled through her coverage of events:

This is the most … tragic and surreal … event that I have never … that I have ever been here to … excuse me a minute, my … my eyes are watering … This is the most water… I mean this is … the most excessive use of … the use of farce … no, I mean force … Oh, Jeez … let me start again … this is the most [unintelligible] … tonight’s level of gas is the worst one thing and … all the bystanders who were standing in the … by the … the gathering of the … gathering for the … the … [unintelligible]

Other eyewitnesses have reported seeing several officers dancing atop heavily armored vehicles and indiscriminately firing weapons into the air.

President Obama interrupted his vacation on Martha’s Vineyard to hold an impromptu press conference to comment on the situation and ask for calm, while Missouri Governor Jay Nixon appealed to religious leaders for peace.

Man Dies After Overdosing on Flintstone Vitamins

Posted on August 14, 2014 by JP

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas –

Aaron Silver, 28, a Little Rock, Arkansas local died last month after collapsing while out on a run with his dog. Silver’s family were just beginning to get on with their lives when they were astounded by the news released late Thursday afternoon by the local coroner, when his autopsy report showed that Silver had overdosed on Flintstone Chewable Vitamins.

According to the report, Silver, who was in excellent health, had unfortunately ingested more than 4 times the recommended dosage of the vitamins, and that the high amount taken had actually caused cardiac arrest.

“It sounds crazy, but the reason that Mr. Silver died was because he was trying to be too healthy,” said Richard Moore, the coroner who performed the autopsy. “It just goes to show you that you really need to follow the instructions for any medicine, no matter how non-dangerous you deem it to be.”

“Aaron was the kinda guy who would do something like that,” said his mother, Maureen Silver. “If he had a headache, he’d take twice as many Advil to make sure it went away twice as fast. It was just his nature. No doubt he thought he’d get four times as healthy if he took four times as many vitamins.”

“It is a strange occurrence, but when someone ingests too many vitamins in their body, on top of eating healthy and exercising, your body begins to overload on certain nutrients and they have nowhere to go. When this happens, sometimes it triggers strange things within the body. In the case of Mr. Silver, his heart couldn’t take the strain of so many Fred, Wilma, and Barney chewables,” said Moore.

Bayer Pharmaceuticals, the company that produces Flintstone Vitamins, have yet to make a comment on the death, but a representative for the company said they advise all consumers to closely follow the instructions on the bottle.

NASCAR: Tony Stewart To Announce Retirement From Auto Racing After Accident That Kills Competing Driver

Posted on August 14, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

NASCAR Insiders Rusty Wallace and Darrell Waltrip have informed the Associated Press that three-time Sprint Cup Champion Tony Stewart will hold a press conference in the coming days, and is expected to announce his retirement from all auto racing activities, as well as announcing the sale of his half of his ownership of Stewart-Haas Racing. The announcement comes after Stewart tragically struck and killed fellow sprint car driver Kevin Ward, Jr.

“This was a tragic accident, one he just can’t get over. I talked with Tony yesterday and he made it clear, he is done with racing. I tried to suggest to him to take time off and think it over for a few months, he told me he has made up his mind and will announce soon. I hope he changes his mind, but it sure sounded like he meant it,” said former NASCAR champion and Hall of Fame member Rusty Wallace.

According to Waltrip, he talked to Stewart for hours the night after the accident and again two days ago, and he says Stewart has been grieving more and more after the initiative shock.

“The man hasn’t slept for days, this has rocked his world harder than anything he has ever had to deal with. He told me he could never effectively get back in a race car and drive. He can barely bring himself to drive his Ford Taurus to the supermarket and back without cringing. I expect an announcement in the next few days, he is just working on what he is going to say to the fans and most importantly the father of the victim, Kevin Ward, Sr.,” Waltrip told NASCAR reporter Nicole Briscoe via telephone interview last night.

Ward, 20, had climbed out of his Sprint car during a dirt race in Canadaigua, N.Y., and he walked toward Stewart’s car during a caution, and while gesturing to him was struck and killed by the car Stewart was driving. Ward was pronounced dead on his way to the hospital.

Several race fans who have watched the horrific video believe that Stewart’s aggressive racing nature caused the death of Ward, including Ward’s father.

“Tony Stewart was the best damn driver by far on the track that night. Why he had to go up as high as he did and hog my son, there’s no reason for it,” Ward Sr. told the Syracuse Post-Standard. “Apparently, he was the only driver on the track who didn’t see [my son.] The one person that knows what happened that night could possibly be facing 10 years in prison. Is he going to say what he’s done?”

Speaking to the Associated Press, Corey Rayburn Yung, a law professor, said that under New York State law, Stewart could very possibly be charged with manslaughter, even if there was no intent to strike Ward.

“The question over whether someone was reckless is a factual one, and one a prosecutor might let a jury decide,” Yung said. “So far, from what I’ve read, Stewart has cooperated with police. That does not mean that once this is all said and done, that they won’t find him at fault one way or the other.”

On whether Stewart will retire from racing, all signs point to yes given the sources. “There will for sure be a press conference in which Tony speaks for himself, I think he sees no other way around this,” said Waltrip. “It will indeed be a sad day for NASCAR.”

Stewart-Haas Racing has not commented on the rumor, and a representative for the team could neither confirm nor deny Stewart’s intentions.

FDA Recalls Imported Honey Made From High Fructose Corn Syrup and Epoxy

Posted on August 14, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Food and Drug Administration issued an immediate recall for a large shipment of honey imported from Mainland China that claims to contain ‘100% pure, delicious and natural honey,’ but is actually a mixture of high fructose corn syrup, petroleum-based solvents, resin, and artificial coloring and flavorings.

Marketed under the brand Tasty Swarm Honey, the product is said to cause immediate stomach distress and discomfort, with several people who’ve sampled the product saying they instantly felt sick. At least one person was hospitalized with food poisoning after consuming the honey.

Adding sweeteners to honey is an FDA-approved manufacturing process. Any honey product that is not labeled ‘100% Pure’ is allowed to contain additives, sweeteners, and extenders. Due to questions concerning possible adverse health effects, high fructose corn syrup, or HFCS, has come under increased scrutiny and examination over the years. Derived from converted cornstarch and cheaper to produce than refined sugar, it has dominated the worldwide sweetener market in recent years.

“With this particular product, it’s not a question of the quantity or quality of the artificial ingredients that were added,” said FDA Quality Control Officer Barbara Temple, “because the entire composition is artificial. There’s absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever. Consuming this product could result in severe illness. In fact, there’s no way anyone could have possibly eaten this without having gotten violently ill. You’d be better off literally eating granulated sugar straight out of the bag by the spoon full.”

A routine FDA inquiry examining purity and quality standards of imported food items prompted an investigation and detailed analysis into the manufacturer’s products and practices.

“Recently,” said Temple, “we were informed that the Tasty Swarm company also manufactures epoxy, bathroom grout, industrial lubricants, glue, nail polish remover, and fabric softener, so our inspections were significantly stepped up after that discovery. We actually used their honey to repair a broken ceramic tile in our company bathroom, and it’s holding on strong. I wouldn’t advise eating it, or adding it to your morning tea.”

“Curiously, the company also manufactures cheese and canned soup,” continued Temple. “When we tested those products for contaminants, they were found to be top-notch – and completely delicious. It’s just this honey that they’re really getting wrong. It’s a sticky mess for Tasty Swarm, that’s for sure.”

“I ate most of the jar before I really started feeling sick,” said Joe Goldsmith, who was hospitalized with symptoms of food poisoning after eating Tasty Swarm. “I like to take honey and just pour it into a glass and sort of slurp it down with a straw. I got the honey at a local closeout discount store, but it was still in date, so I figured it would be okay. Actually, now that I think about it, the date said it didn’t expire until sometime in 2035.”

Retail store chains recalling the product from shelves include Albertson’s, Big M, Food City, and Publix. Tasty Swarm could not be reached for further comment, but a statement from a company representative said they would be “really surprised” if there were any problems with the honey, and that even Winnie The Pooh himself would be ecstatic to get stuck in a jar of their product.

Congress Approves Sugar Tax Bill; Cost Of Sugary Drinks And Foods Expected To Triple By 2016

Posted on August 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A bill that would tax granulated sugar and all sugary foods is expected to be signed by President Barack Obama next week, after The House gave final congressional approval on Wednesday to a bill that would tax sugar on a per-gram basis.

“Sugar abuse is linked to several health problems such as obesity, diabetes, and other various diseases. This tax on sugar would go straight into funding all medical research – not just those common ailments – but all medical research,” House speaker John Boehner said.

The sugar tax bill is expected to triple the cost of foods high in unnatural amounts of fructose such as carbonated beverages, candies, frozen novelties, and over 700 other foods and drinks.

“The proposed bill is a good thing. We expect it to cut back on the unnecessary consumption of all junk foods, therefore, gradually making Americans who abuse these foods and drinks healthier,” said Tom Harkin, the democratic senator from Iowa, who also serves as the chairman of the U.S. Senate Committee on Health Education, Labor & Pensions. “For those who are willing to pay the extra price, they will be helping the cause by funding research for a vast array of medical endeavors.”

While many agree this could be a good thing, it seems most Americans seem to be opposed to the tax. In a poll taken by Empire News, 1,500 citizens throughout the United States were asked the question, “Do you agree or disagree with the proposed “Sugar Tax” bill?” An overwhelming 67% said they disagree with the bill, 23% said they approved, while the remaining 10 % declared they were undecided on or unfamiliar with the matter.

In an interview with North Carolina Congresswoman Virginia Foxx, she said the stats that were compiled proved that the American people are unable to make reasonable decisions on their own that would benefit their overall health.

“It is incredibly alarming how American people have complete disregard for their health,” said Foxx. “Look, I love cherry pie, candy bars, and fruity mixed drinks as much as the next person, but I also know that abusing these things is really bad for me. So many things we do are horrible for our bodies. Take drinking, for example. Americans need to try drinking their booze straight more often. I have found that straight bourbon on ice is actually very refreshing, cut out the sugary, fruity crutches when you can. Drink it straight,” she said.

Mary Jane Jenkins of Noblesville, Indiana disagrees with the bill, saying it’s ‘the worst decision’ that the government has made in ages.

“Look, I’m a f—-ing American voter and taxpayer. I should be able to use my food stamp card on anything I want, but with this stupid ‘sugar tax’ there is no way I will be able to buy my kids a box of Snickers bars. They say the price will almost triple. That’s absurd. It was bad enough when New York was in the news over their soda tax a few years ago, but this is crossing a major line. What’s next? Are they gonna tax their damn video games, too? This is our lives. Let us live and die at our own damn pace, fulfilling our own damn desires,” said an infuriated Jenkins.

President Obama, as a vocal supporter of the bill, is expected to sign it into law next Thursday morning.

Obama To Sign Executive Order Changing U.S. Currency From Dollar To Euro

Posted on August 13, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama is not done transforming America just yet, and according to insiders from the White House, his latest planned executive order will change the way every American does business. President Obama reportedly plans on changing the U.S. dollar to the euro, and the big change could come as early as next week – although the current dollar would still be accepted up until January 1st, so as to ‘not interfere with holiday shopping.’

“The euro is the second most traded currency in the world, and the U.S. dollar is number one. I made a promise to our European friends when I got elected to end American capitalism and control. The first step was to stop being the ‘world police’, and switching to the euro is the next step,” said Obama. “Once our switch is complete, it will lead the way to a true World Bank. Individual governments making decisions will be a thing of the past, one bank, one authority, making all the decisions for the world will become the norm. That is my personal goal. Then, once my presidency is over, I hope to be appointed leader of the World Bank I’ve helped to create, so I can finish what I started in building a better world in my vision.”

“Well I haven’t read the order yet, but the President hasn’t made a bad decision since he took office, so this is probably a great idea,” said Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. “I’m sure the far right wackos will have a problem with the euro, but they have a problem with everything because they’re all racists. If the House and Senate would just do everything the President wanted without bitching, these executive orders wouldn’t be necessary. I’m personally glad that Barack is not letting the constitution get in his way of creating a better United States of America.”

Deaf, Mute Couple ‘Too Loud’ For Amtrak’s Quiet Car

Posted on August 13, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, DC –

Amtrak Conductor Charlene Roberts thought she was the victim of an insensitive prank when a commuter on the train’s popular Northeast Corridor route made an unexpected complaint.

Traveling from Washington to New York aboard Amtrak’s high speed Acela Express, attorney Bettina Corning complained to Roberts that the couple seated behind her on the train’s ‘Quiet Car’ were making too much noise. The couple seated behind Corning happened to be both mute and deaf.

“I’m a very busy attorney, and I had a lot of important briefs to compile for very important clients that I have,” explained Corning from her office in Midtown Manhattan.

‘Quiet’ cars on Amtrak trains were introduced over a decade ago at the request of customers wishing to commute without the usual distractions that accompany train travel – cell phone conversations topping the list. Growing popularity has led many regional and commuter rail lines to add quiet cars to their standard routes.

“The quiet car is there for a reason, and I shouldn’t have been inconvenienced,” said Corning. When informed that the couple she had complained about were deaf mutes, she replied, “That’s another issue and doesn’t have anything to do with what Amtrak offers and what I pay for. I lost valuable time and I consider the matter closed.”

“Many deaf people vocalize,” said Dr. Franklin McLogan, of New York’s Health Care Partnership for the Deaf. “It depends on the individual. If deafness has begun in childhood where speech is at an early or evolving stage, some vocalization based on that level of development may take place. These individuals though, also happened to be mute. So it’s really a wonder what kind of noise they could have been making on the Quiet Car that got another passenger so worked up.”

“Personally and professionally,” conductor Roberts recalled, “I thought it was wrong for her to ask me to move the couple, because they weren’t being loud in any way, shape, or form. I always check the volume level of my cars, and remind customers to speak with ‘library voices’ if I feel they are distracting others. Apparently the couple were signing to each other too loudly? I have no idea what Miss Corning’s problem was, except to say that it’s possible she’s just a heinous bitch. That, by the way, is my professional opinion of someone who works with the public on a daily basis, not that of the Amtrak company itself.”

The couple seated in back of Corning, Bill and Susan Welch, commented through an interpreter. “We didn’t know why the lady in front of us was upset. We were surprised when we found out it was because of us. The conductor was very polite and apologized, but she didn’t have to. It wasn’t necessary. We never had any problems traveling before. We’ll continue to ride quietly in the Amtrak Quiet Cars and hopefully other people just ignore us, just as we do them.”

All three customers were issued courtesy travel vouchers to be applied toward future trips.

Obama Drains Martha’s Vineyard Pond To Retrieve Commemorative Golf Ball

Posted on August 13, 2014 by DvanL

OAK BLUFFS, Massachusetts –

Day 5 of President Barack Obama’s annual vacation to the resort island community of Martha’s Vineyard was met with dismay and controversy, when a fresh-water pond was drained so that a commemorative golf ball could be retrieved.

During an early round of play at the exclusive Farm Neck Golf Club located in the town of Oak Bluffs, an unidentified member of the President’s entourage hit a ball into a pond facing the eastern edge of the course. The water hazard is located above a natural aquifer made up of sand and gravel, and serves as an essential ground water filter.

Cal Silva, Environmental Quality Officer for Dukes County remarked, “The natural purifying system provided by the aquifer is indispensable for proper environmental balance, not only for this locale, but also for the entire Island. We learned today that the pond was drained by executive order without our consent. A homeowner whose property abuts the golf course informed me when he noticed that dredging of the pond had started, and quite honestly, I was shocked. The health and well-being of local shellfish and wildlife may very well be severely compromised due to this,” added Silva.

Reaction spread quickly throughout this closely-knit community, made up of year-rounders, summer residents, and day-trippers. Cafe owner Suzanne North expressed a commonly shared opinion.

“This the kind of place where you leave things the way you found them, especially when it comes to nature. It’s unfathomable to me how this was allowed to happen, and all for a golf ball? This is one of the few places left where people can share something special. A lot of my regulars are very upset about it.”

Cafe patron Roland Sanders commented, “They [the President and his family] keep a pretty low profile around here normally, except for when they come in town to one of the restaurants. You wouldn’t hardly know they’re here until the whole Secret Service shows up and whatnot, so that’s pretty exciting because you know he’s close by. But this thing with the pond has made a lot of people a little uncomfortable now. It’s like they took charge all of a sudden and changed the way things work without first thinking about the Vineyard or asking anybody.”

Not everyone in the town was as upset at the situation as Sanders, though. Several avid golfers from the area say they completely understood losing a ball in that water trap.

“I’ve golfed at Farm Neck many, many times,” said resident Henry Bellows. “I’ve lost countless balls to that pond. If I had the power to have it drained to get them back, I would have. Now that it’s happened, though, I am tempted to sneak down there with a bucket and pick up some free balls.”

Quality officer Silva expressed optimism that the natural balance could be restored if enough rainfall replenishes the now drained wetland.

“Nature has a way of taking care of itself. Already there are a number of birds who are feeding at the marshland that was created by this event, so that’s a benefit in a strange way which we’ve not been able to observe before. I can only hope for the best, but my office will be meeting with the President’s staff and I’ve personally requested a meeting with the head of the EPA. She’s a New Englander, so I know she understands the island and how strongly we feel about this.”

According to reports, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy, a Greater Boston area resident, would soon be traveling to the island, located 4 miles from the Massachusetts coastline. President Obama would not comment on the incident, but a representative from the White House said that the environment has always been important to the President and his family.

“This was a really important golf ball, though,” he added. “One of a kind. In case you are wondering, we were able to retrieve the ball after draining the pond, so it was not a total loss.”

Fake Wal-Mart Greeter Arrested For Soliciting Sex To Customers

Posted on August 12, 2014 by DvanL

NORMAN, Oklahoma –

One Walmart Supercenter in Norman, Oklahoma lists a pharmacy, grocery, garden department, tire & lube facility, and a photo center as part of its store services. A local sting operation revealed another, unauthorized service being offered — prostitution.

Posing as a store greeter, retired school counselor Marvin Reading, 67, of nearby Weatherford, was arrested last week and formally charged with “false representation, tresspassing, public lewdness, pandering, and commercial sex solicitation.”

“I came into the store,” said Dottie Forbes, regular customer at the supercenter, “and this man hands me a card and says ‘Welcome to Walmart.’ It was strange, because I thought Walmart got rid of all the greeters some time ago.”

The multinational retail chain, which has become synonymous with bargain prices, had in fact, ended its store greeter program in 2012.

“The card had his name and number on it,” recalled Forbes. “‘Turn the card over,’ he told me, and when I did, I saw all these things written down with numbers there on the back. I thought it was for the daily store specials and I said ‘thank you’ and didn’t think anything about it, so I put the card down in my bag because I had to get things for my grandson’s birthday. I had lots to do that day and was running late.”

It wasn’t until after the grandmother of 3 returned home, that she took a closer look at the card that Reading had given her. “It had all sorts of words there, things I’d never heard of before and didn’t know what they meant until I went on the Internet to look them up. I became disgusted!” Mrs. Forbes returned to the store and demanded to speak to the manager.

Supercenter manager Travis Andrews met with Forbes. “She was really upset and said she felt disgusted. I don’t blame her because some of the things [Reading] wrote down there were inappropriate for an older person. He had things there like “Cleveland Steamer” and “North Pole” written on the card, with a price list for each thing, and a room number and address to the motel where he was staying. I didn’t know what to do since I didn’t see him at the store, so I called the police,” Andrews recalled.

Plainclothes officer Marie Tilford made the arrest after Reading “greeted” her with another highly personalized card the following day. “I think he must have gotten wind of something, because that first day I showed up he didn’t come in. He was pretty bold, I’ll give him that much, because the next day he came back wearing a blue vest and sunglasses, and that’s when we got him.”

“I was desperate for some extra money,” said Reading. “I couldn’t get by on just my social security because of the economy and that’s the thing I decided to do. It worked once before when I was near a shopping mall in Oak City, so I thought out here would be safer. Not so many police and such, and lots of older ladies who might want some companionship.”

A statement released by Walmart regarding the incident read in part:

“Management was made aware of an event in which an individual unaffiliated with Walmart was arrested for illegal activities which go against the traditional values that Walmart represents. Walmart is fully cooperating with authorities.”

Reading was taken to a local prison where he awaits transfer to Parker County Jail.

11-Year-Old African-American Student Forced To Ride To School In The Back Of The Bus

Posted on August 12, 2014 by mike the inkman

WEST AKRON, Ohio –

The predominantly African-American community of West Akron is rife with discontent tonight after Jamal Johnson, a black student who attends a special summer-school program provided by the Akron school district, was forced to ride at the back of the bus for the entire forty-five minute ride. Shanteal Johnson, mother of Jamal, was understandably angry that her son was seated in the very rear of the bus, despite there being many other seats available.

“This is racism, plain and simple. They put my boy at the back of that bus, and there were all of them other seats available. They can say what they want, and they can spin it however, but this is a direct slap in the face of Rosa Parks, and an assault on African-Americans by the Akron School district,” said Johnson.

In response to the allegations of racism, Akron Public Schools has released an explanatory, yet scathing statement.

“While we do acknowledge that Jamal Johnson was seated at the back of the bus, we contest that the seating arrangements had anything to do with race. Yes, Jamal is African-American. He is also a paraplegic, and our handicapped accessible buses have a wheelchair lift at the rear entrance. The chair is lifted and rolled in through the rear door, where it is secured to the floor with a clamp system. So while he was seated at the back of the bus, the seating was simply due to the mechanical characteristics of the vehicle. Handicapped students of other races and heritages are seated in the same fashion. Any accusation of racism here is idiotic and patently ridiculous.”

The prepared statement was met with derision and incredulity by some Akronites who believe that the ramp story is just a convenient excuse, and Shanteal herself is undecided about whether or not to believe its contents.

“It all seems contrived to me, like maybe they knew when they designed these buses that there would be black handicapped students riding at the back of them someday. Maybe what they say is true, Lord knows I hope that it is; but for some reason, I feel that everyone is laughing at our expense. I guess I’ll take the statement at face value for now, but if I find out this has all been a big joke at the expense of the African-American people, there will be hell to pay.”

Throughout the awkward situation with its finger-pointing and flaring tempers, perhaps eleven year old Jamal has been the one to keep the coolest head.

“I like sitting at the back of the bus,” he said with a smile. “I don’t understand the problem. The back of the bus is where the cool kids sit anyway. It’s easier for me to talk to the other kids back there.”