Kim Kardashian Teams With Revlon To Combat Illiteracy

Posted on July 9, 2014 by Mange

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a move to rival Paris Hilton’s career-spanning work highlighting STD awareness, Kim Kardashian’s publicist has announced that she has been named the spokesmodel for a new campaign to combat illiteracy, aimed at fashion-conscious children. The line of educational books, titled ‘Kim and me learn our A-B-Ks”, is set to hit both bookstores and make-up counters next month, featuring spelling and pronunciation guides that will help students by relating English grammar to various make-up techniques and color names.

The books will follow a distinct learning curve, allowing readers to enjoy whimsical nonsense illustrations as they progress from lessons like “eyeliner is good for meeting at the diner, but looking thinner is best before dinner” to more advanced material such as “I apply rouge before standing in queues”. The illustrations, handled by British artist Sandey Sime (of “The Pick Me Up” and “The Idler” renown), each relate to the subject matter of their accompanying text. Revlon predicts the star potential of Kardashian will help drive the product line which combats one of our nation’s greatest challenged in education.

“We want to make Kim’s name a byword for illiteracy.” Said a representative for Revlon.

The move comes as no surprise to Kim’s fans, who’ve followed her example by bolstering the spirit of cancer researchers across the world with their online support, and providing bulimia therapists a broad social spectrum from which to study the threat of body dysmorphia. In a recent weekday press conference, Kardashian met with fans aged 10 to 16, who wished to confront difficulty in reading together with their idol.

I’m not afraid to admit I get nervous being asked to read from the board in school.” Said 14 year-old Chandler Noxwell of Perth Amboy, NJ. “Kim showed us that there are even words grown-ups like her have trouble reading, like ‘algebra’ and ‘water’.”

Several students were given an afternoon pass to attend the event, during which Kim could be seen reading along through pre-press editions of the books and sounding out some of the more challenging rhymes. Kardashian lead one student through the sentence “I shouldn’t rush when applying…my…bluss…”, stopping to quip “Well that’s the street pronunciation, right?” before laughing and hugging the child to her for photos.

Reporters at the event were also treated to a brief speech by the famous reality TV star, wherein they were asked to “understand the fear these children face daily in school, at home, in subtitles. The bravest learner is one who fails, but refuses to give up and tell themselves that they just can’t. I know this whenever I watch my husband work, and I want to support these kids as much as I do him.”

Texas Cheerleader And Internet-Famed Hunter Kendall Jones Mauled By Leopard In South Africa

Posted on July 8, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

NELSPRUIT, SOUTH AFRICA — A Texas Cheerleader who has gained Internet fame overnight and sparked controversy by posting pictures online of big game animals she had hunted was attacked by a leopard on Monday and airlifted to a hospital in Nelspruit, South Africa.

Kendall Jones is a 17-year-old from Texas who has gained popularity quickly after posting images on her Facebook page of herself posing with wild animals she had hunted. She had received heat, including many death threats, from animal activists prompting Facebook to remove the images from her page.

Kendall had been on vacation in South Africa with her parents. They had made several stops in Africa before arriving at the Kruger National Park to hunt.

According to eyewitnesses, Kendall was loading equipment into a truck when she attacked by a leopard that was able to sneak up on the group unnoticed. A guide that was travelling with Jones was able to shoot the leopard before it inflicted severe damage.

“The leopard came out of nowhere and went straight for Kendall as if it was on a mission,” said Mehleli Ndlovu, a South African wildlife guide. “She just dropped to the ground and started screaming about how she would never hunt again. It was very odd. I was able to shoot the leopard quickly. It only got a couple scratches on her but she was crying like she was going to die and insisted that we get her to a hospital.”

Kendall received several lacerations to one leg. She was airlifted to the Nelspruit Medi-Clinic where she received stitches to one wound on her upper leg and was released shortly after.

Man Gets Beaten Up After Posting Video Of Himself Hitting Dog To Internet

Posted on July 7, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

After Tom-Jan Hüsch’s girlfriend broke up with him, he decided to take revenge to an extreme level by violently hitting and punching the dog his girlfriend bought him as a present. Worst of all he decided to film it all and upload to Facebook.

Warning: This footage you are about to see is very distressing.

This video was since removed from Facebook, however the video instantly went viral, attracting the attention of one man who decided to bring this little dog justice by tracking down Hüsch and inflicting the same pain to him that Hüsch inflicted on the poor, defenseless animal.

The guy also took a video of himself beating up Hüsch, which he later posted online as a warning to everyone that animal cruelty and abuse would not be tolerated in Germany.

Hüsch’s attacker was later identified as Josef Guldschmitt. Guldschmitt explained his attack in a interview by phone this evening.

“I really wanted him to die.” said Guldschmitt. “If I could have found my pliers, I would have twisted his scrotum off too.”

As of today, no charges have been filed against Guldschmitt.

At least 17 Bodies Found In Ohio River Near Henderson, Kentucky

Posted on July 7, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

HENDERSON, Kentucky –

A mass burial ground was discovered by divers near Henderson, Kentucky yesterday, after a local man walking his dog had alerted police that he thought he saw someone floating down the Ohio River.

Police searched the area, and discovered at least 17 bodies in different stages of dismemberment and decay. The bodies were all found wrapped individually in plastic bags.

“This could be the most prolific, active serial killer in the United States.” Said Captain Owen St. Pierre of the Henderson police department. “Two of the bodies identified so far have been determined to have extensive criminal records; we are considering the possibility that these murders could be inspired by the television series Dexter.

Dexter, which ran for several seasons on the cable network Showtime followed the story of a serial killer who only killed criminals.

Several attempts were made to resuscitate at least one of the dismembered bodies, with no avail.

“Kentucky law requires that an attempt be made to resuscitate if possible,” said Joseph Goldsmith, a member of the search and rescue team. “I know it seemed to be a long-shot, given the body was in several different pieces, but they require us to make an attempt.”

Currently, police are considering all possible leads in their investigation, and so far have questioned several higher-ranking members of the prominent Kentucky Mafia, as well as leaders of both major street gangs. So far, their efforts have turned up no new information.

“We will work tirelessly on this case until we see that the person or persons responsible are prosecuted to the fullest extend of the law.” Said Captain St. Pierre.

Names of the identified bodies were not made available, pending notification to the families.

California Waitress Asked To ‘Provide Proof’ She Was Menstruating In Order To Leave Work Early

Posted on July 6, 2014 by AlabamaWhitman

PLAYA VISTA, California –

Almost everyone has had to leave work early at one time or another, however for Andrea Greene, a 19-year-old waitress at The Red Oyster in Playa Vista, California, her management staff not only accused her of lying to leave early, but also demanded proof when Ms. Greene said that she was experiencing sickness due to her menstruation.

According to Ms. Greene, she arrived for her shift as scheduled on the 4th of July, eager to make some holiday money.

“I always like to work holidays, especially the 4th of July and St. Patrick’s Day. People always drink a lot, and tip me really big,” Said Andrea. “But in the middle of my shift, I started feeling sick, and I knew my period was coming on strong. I was the only female staff member scheduled that day, and the tampon dispenser in the restrooms has been broken for months.”

Andrea asked her coworker to cover her tables while she tried to assess her situation.

“I tried to, um, clean up, but it had already soaked my panties, and I was really starting to feel extra sick. I put toilet paper in my underwear, but I had a really long night ahead of me. I had to cut my losses on a big night of tips and try to go home early,” said Grenne.

Ms. Greene went to Alex Figueroa, her general manager, and asked that she be “cut”, which is the term used in the service industry meaning that she wouldn’t have anyone else sat at her tables, and after she finished her regular duties, she could go home.

Ms. Greene claims that her boss would not listen to her, and refused to relieve her, calling her a liar and mocking her, citing the ‘heavy flow’ of holiday diners.

“I seriously needed to go home. I was almost bleeding through my pants. I was so uncomfortable, I decided to go over Alex’s head and speak with our executive chef, hoping he would understand. I figured that it had to be a health violation or something,” said Greene.

Despite her embarrassment, Ms. Greene went to speak with Thomas Roberts, The Red Oyster’s Execute Chef. She explained her situation to Roberts, who assumed she was just lying to get out of work so she could go party with her friends.

“He laughed in my face and told me I’d have to ‘come up with a better excuse than that’ if I wanted to go party. Then he told everyone I was on my period. I was mortified,” said Andrea. “I started to cry and told him I wasn’t lying and that this was an emergency, and that I really needed to go home. What he said after nearly made my jaw hit the floor.”

Ms. Greene claims that after ridiculing her and mocking her, Roberts told her that if she wanted to go home, she’d have to prove that she was, in fact, on her period.

“[Roberts] said that I either needed to pull down my pants and prove it, or I could just ‘hand over my bloody toilet paper and then be gone,’ which he said in a weird pirate accent. The entire kitchen staff was laughing hysterically at me. I couldn’t believe what this man just asked me to do, how he embarrassed me. I didn’t know how to handle the situation.”

Andrea states she ran out of the kitchen and called her mother, who instructed her to leave immediately and that she would help her with bills until she found another job. With her mother’s support, Andrea plans to file a lawsuit against chef Roberts, her manager, and The Red Oyster.

Figueroa thinks Andrea is blowing the entire situation out of proportion, and that no one mistreated her at all.

“Andrea has quite an imagination. There was no mistreatment of her by me or anyone on my staff. Her story is complete fabrication. I was never informed she was feeling ill at all – she just threw her apron down on the bar and ran out of the restaurant. She’s a young, needy girl searching for attention, and that’s all I care to comment pending any sort of litigation. I’d just like to mention, though, that The Red Oyster is open late, we’re affordable, and we’ve always got crabs. It’s the perfect dining destination for any occasion! Call today to make a reservation!”

Hobby Lobby Says No To Contraception, Yes To Suicide

Posted on July 5, 2014 by Rab

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a case that has millions divided, the Supreme Court made a decision recently in Hobby Lobby v. Burwell, ruling that the Hobby Lobby corporation has the right, due to the company’s sternly held religious beliefs, not to cover the acts of abortion or any sort of contraception to their employees via their offered insurance plans.

“The arguments have been made, and so has the decision.” Says Hobby Lobby CEO David Green. “We believe that a women’s body is the property of the Almighty, and if he wants them to be pregnant, who are we to say differently?”

“This is an extremely big win for us, and for God Himself.” Says Ryan Silver, a representative for Hobby Lobby. “Any form of birth control or an abortion are abominations unto God. People really need to lay off this ‘women’s rights’ crap. It seems that nowadays women feel like they should be treated as equally as men, and that is just wrong according to God Himself!”

Curiously, there are several things included in the coverage for Hobby Lobby employees that would rarely, if ever, be covered under any normal insurance plan.

“Upon review of the Hobby Lobby’s documentation from their insurance, there are a lot of, shall we say, abnormalities?” Says Mark Bertollini, CEO of Aetna Insurance. “There are clauses in the fine print that enable someone be covered for self-euthanization. So if you work for Hobby Lobby and want to kill yourself, which is a definite possibility, you are covered. Don’t forget to get their life insurance policy as well, though, so your family can get some of your sweet death cash.”

“We know that suicide is a Hell-worthy trespass, but for the people who want to do it, there is no saving them anyway. We feel that just because an employee wants to die and burn in eternal damnation, their family shouldn’t suffer for their own problems. Killing yourself is one thing, but abortion is an entirely different matter. If you want an abortion, you better believe that God has a plan for that unborn, undeveloped egg-cell, and I will do anything in my power to make sure His will be done.”

Other things that are covered in the Hobby Lobby employee insurance plans include ‘Acts of God,’ and ‘Personal Injury or Death Due to Rapture.’ As of the ruling date, anyone who works for Hobby Lobby will be forced to either procure their condoms or birth control by paying out-of-pocket, or be forced to use the tried-and-true method of ‘pulling out’ to avoid unwanted pregnancy.

Federal Lawmakers Look To Abolish Public Sex Offender Registry In U.S.

Posted on July 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In some unsettling news out of the nation’s capital this morning, legislators are looking into the possibility of completely abolishing the public sex offender registry, and giving access to the private information of convicted sex offenders only to law enforcement personnel.

“The United States is the only country in the world with a publicly available sex offender list.” Said Representative Chuck Sharpe (D), of Ohio, who is leading the charge against the ‘right to know’ policy on sex offenders. “Ireland, Australia, New Zealand – even Canada – they all have registries that are only available to law enforcement. These people, most have done their time, and they deserve some privacy as well.”

Sharpe says that one of his family members was convicted of molesting a young girl, and was sentenced to 8 years in prison. Upon his release, he was quoted as saying that it’s been “a nightmare to find work or rent an apartment.”

“My Uncle Joe is a good man. A lot of these sex offenders are good people. They just have different sexual needs, you know?” Said Sharpe. “Personally, I enjoy sex with cans of cat food. It doesn’t make me a bad person, does it? I am okay with telling the world about my intercourse with Friskies, but that doesn’t mean I want to be put on a list somewhere for it, either.”

Many parents groups were outraged by the thought of not being able to check their smartphone apps to see who lived nearby that might want to bring their child on a candy-filled ride in a windowless van.

“Every day after I check the news, the first thing I do is open up the Safe Neighborhood app on my phone, and look to make sure no new perverts have moved into my area.” Said Maureen Nicholson, a mother of two young girls in Albany, New Hampshire. “Thankfully, our town is small, and I pretty much know all the sickos by sight. If there was no registry, though, how would I know who all the sick bastards are that want to have their way with my kids?”

Not surprisingly, the only people who seem to be really excited about the possibility of no longer having to make their presence known every time they move to a new area are the actual convicted-offenders themselves.

“I was released 5 years ago after doing 2 years for sexual assault.” Said Leanaí Diddler, a registered sex offender. “Since then, I’ve had to always tell everyone who I was whenever I got to a new town. I might as well be forced to wear a scarlet P for pedophile on my jacket, that’s how bad it is. The Pedobear tattoo I got in prison probably isn’t helping me out, but this could potentially change my life. I deserve to be treated like all the non-child-touchers out there!”

Although faced with a tough battle to have the laws changed, Sharpe thinks they will be successful thanks to backing by public-interest groups, as well as everyday citizens who see the need for privacy in these matters.

“I talked to a kid the other day,” Said Sharpe. “He’s a registered sex offender at 20 years old. He just got out after doing 3 years for having sex with his 16 year old girlfriend while he was 17, which is illegal in his home state of New Mexico. It wasn’t rape. It wasn’t even non-consenual. He just slept with the wrong angry bitch, who lied to her parents and police after he left her for another girl, a cute redhead in his English class. Now, don’t you think he deserves another chance?”

Lawmakers have said that this option of hiding the identities of sex offenders was preferable to their other options, which included forehead brands that said “SICKO,” or violent, total castration.

“We were really tempted to just cut off the balls of every single sex offender that was out there.” Said Representative Carl Hardy (D) of Georgia. “Upon considering our options, we figured that this would be a much better option for anyone involved. Where would we even put all those testicles, anyway?”

New NRA-Backed Bill To Place 3 Day Waiting Period on Becoming Mentally Ill

Posted on July 5, 2014 by Dan King

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a press conference this weekend, a group of house Republicans led by representative Joe Wilson announced a forthcoming bill which would place a three day waiting period on becoming mentally ill. The bill has the support of the NRA and has been praised by many gun-rights advocates as a common-sense step towards decreasing gun violence.

The bill would introduce a procedure whereby any American seeking to become mentally ill would have to announce their intentions to local law enforcement. From the time of their decision, citizens would then have to wait a full 72 hours before actually becoming mentally ill, giving law enforcement and local support systems plenty of time to prepare to deal with the issue.

Representative Wilson says this bill could help prevent most, if not all, of the gun violence which has plagued our nation for years.

“We’ve known for a while now that America has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem.” Said Wilson. “Well, it’s time we start taking concrete steps to help fix this.”

Later in the press conference, Wilson elaborated on the reasoning behind the bill, saying that people need to better understand the impact that becoming mentally ill can have on their lives.

“This waiting period might not be the perfect solution, but I think forcing people to sit and really think about whether or not they want to become mentally ill could help a lot of folks.” Said Wilson.

NRA President Wayne LaPierre has thrown the full weight of the NRA behind the bill already. In a written statement to the press, LaPierre said that this was an important step towards preventing future gun violence in this country.

“It would be too difficult and expensive to attempt to regulate guns through legislation, so we must begin to regulate mental illness.” Said LaPierre. “It’s time to start keeping mental illness out of the hands of people who could cause harm with it.”

Not everyone is excited about the new effort to impose regulation on mental illness, though. Eric Fontaine, a mental illness rights activist, says that the government has no business coming between a person and any mental illness they might want. Fontaine says the bill, “… would place an undue restriction on my ability to become mentally ill. What if I’m at a mental illness show and I decide I want to come down with schizophrenia right away? I shouldn’t need to get the government involved in that transaction, I should just be able to decide to hear voices and then start hearing them right away.”

“Besides,” Fontaine added, “Most mentally ill people are law abiding citizens. It doesn’t make sense to punish all of us just because of a few bad apples.”

While the bill would be a major step forward for mental illness regulation, some are already complaining that Congress must do more. Steve Winthrop, a mental illness regulation advocate, said that he wants a universal background check for anyone seeking to become mentally ill.

“We need to make sure that the people becoming mentally ill aren’t convicted felons, violent offenders or, even worse, mentally ill.” Said Winthrop.

Kanye West Files Lawsuit Against His Reflection

Posted on July 4, 2014 by iamjoshjohnson

LOS ANGELES, California –

Kanye West stays in the news for his outspoken nature and, at times, outlandish behavior. However his most recent crazy behavior may have topped all others. One of the world’s most renowned rappers is filing a lawsuit against his own reflection.

West was curiously completely unaware of his reflection until a few weeks ago when he was apparently walking down a hallway in Milan and bumped right into a mirror. After the collision West demanded that the man across from him apologize. Although not a direct quote, onlookers reported hearing West screaming at himself in the mirror, swearing and saying “watch where you’re going.”

Ever the prima donna, West then called his stylist demanding that he be fit for new clothes as his current outfit, supposedly one of a kind, was being worn by someone else. Kanye only became more infuriated when he noticed the figure was mimicking his movements.

When informed that it was Kanye’s reflection in the mirror, and then someone patiently explaining what a reflection was, he protested that it was impossible.

“I’m way better looking than this fool!” West screamed, causing a wave of laughter by onlookers.

After coming to terms with the fact that he could not fire his own reflection, he flew back to America and filed a lawsuit. Kanye is suing his reflection both for the assault that occurred in the meeting, and misrepresenting him for 37 years. His lawyers reluctantly filed the suit, despite hours of trying to explain why the case would make him look horribly stupid. Kanye rebuffed their attempts, and now West and his reflection are set to appear in court September 31st.

In the meantime, West has filed a restraining order against his reflection, which has already been violated several times in the past few days. Police were called to Kanye’s home the morning after the suit was filed, as Kanye’s duplicate was accused of commiting a home invasion. West claimed he was startled by the very man he was at odds with while getting dressed in front of a full-length mirror.

Officers who arrived were led to the room where the incident occurred, but they found nothing. West entered the room moments later only to act alarmed, screaming that the intruder was behind them. The police had to stifle their laughter and told West that they’d “get their best men on that matter.”

In spite of his current ordeal, West is still very hard at work in the studio and tweeted to his fans that “There may be a thousand of him, but there’s only one of me.”

Facebook Admits to Manipulating User Profiles For Absurdist ‘Matchmaking Game’

Posted on July 4, 2014 by NJJones

MENLO PARK, California –

The terrifying news released last week that Facebook admitted to manipulating the posts of 689,003 users in a mood-changing social experiment came as a shock to people worldwide. Further investigations into the ethicality of their experiments has uncovered new information that suggests Facebook has been using their “guinea-pig” users in a much more problematic way.

This secondary experiment first became apparent when reading the official report released by Facebook, sources noticed occasional references to something called “dating data.” When prompted about the mysterious data, Facebook technology teams confessed to what they had been doing throughout the site.

“Using what we learned from our initial experiment – that modifying the news feeds of a user could in fact modify their mood as a whole – we invested in a smaller project to see if by modifying people’s news feeds and shared information, we could push for romantic relationships between certain users, and deter them between others.” Said an employee of the company, speaking under the guise of anonymity.

“Our aim was to discover how far social networking goes today in regards to formulating intimacy between people.” Said another employee in charge of the dating data. “We edited private messages being sent between users, even sent a few ourselves, and we even used our stupid ‘poke’ option to generate interest between chosen users. If you got ‘poked’ in the last year on the site, that was most definitely us. No one actually pokes anybody.”

“To be honest, the whole thing was just a game to us. We’d choose a couple people in the same city at random, make sure they didn’t know each other at all, and start playing our games. It was all really just for a laugh. Oh, and, of course, to study human interaction, etcetera blah blah.”

This bizarre matchmaking experiment prompts ethicists and futurists to ask several alarming questions about the nature of privacy on the internet and how much we allow technology to control our lives in this day and age

“What we have here is a prime example of when massive corporations such as Facebook, are given too much power over the day-to-day social (and private) lives of everyday people.” Futurist Jim Carroll explained. “Hollywood makes so many movies about far-off futuristic dystopias, but what many don’t realize, and what’s highlighted by Facebook’s invasive studies, is that we are already living in one.”

When asked to comment on their latest scandal, Facebook responded by neither admitting their faults, nor denying that they were manipulating user data.

“We here at Facebook believe in user privacy, sorta, but we also believe in scientific discovery. It is important to understand human emotion and just how easily it can be tweaked by interactive new media such as social networking. We are dealing with new technology here that no one completely understands. Experiments can help us learn.”

Facebook, as a publicly traded company, is legally allowed to do whatever they want with the public and private data that users transmit through their system. The end-user agreement that is digitally “signed” by any user who creates an account, actually gives Facebook the company a lot of rights over them that they probably would never allow.

Analysts have said that in the several years that Facebook has grown to be one of the biggest websites in the world, not a single person who has created an account has taken the time to read the license agreement the site makes you agree to. They went on to say the only way to stop Facebook from manipulating their data is to stop using the website all together.

“Really, the best thing would be to switch to something like MySpace or Google Plus.” Said one analyst. “Your information is going to be extremely private on those websites, because no one uses them in the first place, so no one cares to study the user data of a handful of people.”