Donald Trump Hides Severe Heart Condition From Public

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The last thing a presidential candidate wants to show is weakness. Currently, Donald Trump is leading the Republican polls with 37.4%, while Ted Cruz follows at a staggeringly low 17.4%. Having a heart attack would likely not inspire voter support, and Donald Trump has reportedly been keeping his severe heart condition a secret.

The Trump campaign says voters will think he is soft and they deny he is having any sort of heart troubles.

“I’m not worried about losing financial support at all. I have plenty of money but it’s not all about the Benjamins,” said Trump. “The average republican voter wants a real American man; a little John Wayne, a little Richard Nixon.”

“I’m all that. Between the doctors I can afford and Melania keeping me on a strict diet of olive soil and sprouts, I’ll be around for a long time. The only thing that hurts my heart is when I think of good honest blue collar Americans losing their jobs to illegal immigrants…and 9/11…and those commercials about abused animals. Trump Foundation would do more for that cause, but I’m the least charitable billionaire in the world.”

According to an anonymous source, Trump’s heart condition started around the time he got his small, $2 million dollar loan from his father to start his first business. His heart, which was reportedly normal until that point, shrunk multiple sizes as he became a prize-winning ass clown.

Teen Blinded After Taking Advice From Gag Meme On Facebook

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIDGTON, Maine –

Tanya Herson, 17, has reportedly blinded herself after putting jalapeño slices directly over her eyes in a misguided beauty technique. A meme she had seen on Facebook said it would get rid of puffy eyes. Although it started to burn almost immediately, she assumed that was a sign that it was working.

Her mother, Deanna, says she “heard Tanya screaming bloody murder,” but at first did not know what had happened.

“Tanya couldn’t tell me what happened. Her eyes were red and swollen. I thought it was an allergic reaction to some kind of makeup, so I had her flush out her eyes in the shower and called 911,” said Deanna.

By the time paramedics arrived, Tanya had completely lost sight in both eyes. Later she told her mother she had seen it in a meme.

“There needs to be someone monitoring the internet,” says Tasha’s mother. “We can’t continue to allow our fake news to hurt our impressionable children.” Deanna says she is looking into suing Mark Zuckerberg for her daughter’s medical bills, as well as pain and suffering. “He owns the website, and the website let someone post this horrible information. If he’s not to blame, I don’t know who is.”

Police Uncover Multiple Bodies In Indiana Junkyard; Owners Deny Any Serial Killers In Family

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WESTFIELD, Indiana –

A recently-deceased scrapyard owner is Westfield Police’s initial suspect after five bodies were found on his grounds last Friday. Ed Aviry, of Aviry Metals, passed away from heart failure only a few short weeks ago, leaving his business to his brother John Aviry. Ed’s nephew, 12-year-old John Jr., was the one to discover the first of the remains.

John Sr. says he was in the office, going through paperwork, when his son told him he had found bones.

“’Course I thought they were animal bones, but I agreed to go out to take a look. Then I saw they were sticking out of a jacket and we called it in…But I never thought it was Ed who had done it. He might’ve been a loner, but that don’t make him a killer.”

John Aviry Sr. also said Ed had a bad back and would not have been able to hide the bodies amidst the junk. “He was too old for that shit. Plus, from his books, I reckon he wasn’t doing much business the last few years. Who knows how often he even went out in the yard? If anyone was out there burying bodies, I’d have known. I was out there every day, all day. I swear, I wasn’t burying bodies or anything, though.”

Police say that they are still uncovering bodies throughout the 14-acre property, and the entire area has been designated a crime scene.

“At last count, we had found 11 bodies spread throughout the area, and we are, at this time, considering them all as homicide cases,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith of Westfield Police Department. “We have not publicly named any suspects, although at this time we are asking the Aviry family to not leave the area.”

Teens Allegedly Vandalize Cemetery in Name of Satan

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Paula McCain, who lives across the street from the Westview cemetery in Atlanta, witnessed the black-clad teens enter the graveyard and – recognizing that they were local goths – immediately called police.

Fearing a reputation of ‘rat’ in the community, McCain made it clear that she would not have normally called the police. “If it had been some boys from the football team, I’d have thought ‘boys will be boys,’ they’re probably just sneaking a beer. But devil worshipers going into a graveyard after dark – well, they’re likely sacrificing a cat or something.”

Officer Browne seized a half-smoked cigarette from one of the teens and confiscated a copy of the Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey as evidence. The 3 teens have been charged with vandalism for three old tombstones that appear to have been tipped over. The rumor that the teens are behind the recent disappearance of neighborhood cats has caught on and angry citizens are demanding that the courts throw the book at the kids.

Michael “Damian” Luther denies hurting anyone. “God must be sacrificed. ‘Under no circumstances would a Satanist sacrifice any animal or baby!’ It’s right there in the Satantic Bible. Look it up. If the pigs hadn’t taken my copy, I’d show you,” said Luther.

All three children are currently grounded by their parents while awaiting sentencing.

Major Stock Crash Expected in 2016; Experts Say Invest in Commodities

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Stocks are off to their worst start since 2000, and investors a warned they could face a cataclysmic year. Experts at the Royal Bank of Scotland attribute this tensions between Iran and Saudi Arabia.

Don’t have any stocks to sell? Doomsday preparation expects advice to stock up not just on the obvious like food and oil, but commodities like alcohol and cigarettes, prices of which will soar after the price.

Tim McCain, a “doomsday prepper,” says, “It’s all well and good to have jugs of water and cans of Vienna sausages, but you got to think like an investor. What are people going to want? I’m banking on whiskey and condoms. They’re going to want to drown their troubles in their cups and indulge in a cheap whore – cause they’ll be plenty around trying to trade sex for a dozen eggs.”

“No one’s going to want to bring anymore bastard mouths into the world when daddy DHHS stops handing out those food stamps. I expect a condoms will be more in demand than guns,” said financial analyst Billie Joe Lewis. “Anyone who says food is the wave of the future isn’t planning for true catastrophe.”

Academy Spokesman Responds To #OscarsSoWhite Hashtag, Says ‘Black People Can’t Act’

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In the wake of the Academy Award nominations being released on Thursday, an old hashtag of #OscarsSoWhite re-appeared again on social media, as everyone receiving a nomination in the acting category was Caucasian.

“Every time we announce the nominees, we got a swarm of negativity, and there’s not much we can do about that,” said Academy spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “We aren’t choosing the nominees, the members of the Screen Actors Guild are doing that. It’s of no surprise to us, though, that all the nominees are white, since it’s a well known fact that the blacks can’t act for shit.”

After the comments were made by Goldsmith to the press, a new hashtag of #BoycottTheOscars began to circulate, with many people, including major celebrities, planning on tuning out when it comes to the award ceremony.

“It’s crazy as hell that some cracker thinks that black people can’t act,” said Jamal Richards of Los Angeles. “Ain’t they ever seen a damn Morgan Freeman movie? Ain’t they ever seen Denzel? That motherfucker is amazing. Hell the damn Globes awards people gave him some lifetime achievement and shit. It’s crazy as hell what they doing.”

Even industry insiders were a little confused as to the nominations, and actors like O’Shea Jackson and Samuel L. Jackson both received incredible reviews for their parts in Straight Outta Compton and The Hateful Eight, respectively.

Teen Gives Birth To Eleven Babies, Claims She’s Never Even Had Sex

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old girl gave birth to a record-setting eleven babies on Wednesday evening, smashing the previous record of 8. Mary Lambert of Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, says that she was not taking any fertility drugs before she got pregnant, and that she doesn’t even know how she became pregnant in the first place.

“My boyfriend and I have never had sex before,” said Lambert, whose father, George, stood nearby. “We have been dating since I was 14 and he was 15, but we’ve never done anything before, not even kissing.”

Doctors say that having eleven babies at once was something they’d never seen before, and dealing with delivery was extremely difficult.

“You ever see those old movies or shows where a clown gets out of a car, and then another clown, and another, and soon you have a whole fleet of clowns that just stepped out of this tiny car? That’s what delivering these babies was like,” said Doctor Eugene Banks. “It’s like this girl’s vagina was a very weird clown car.”

According to Dr. Banks, though, there is no way that Lambert has never had sex.

“Of course she’s had sex. She’s a 17-year-old girl with a boyfriend who just gave birth, naturally I might add, to eleven babies,” said Dr. Banks. “How else does she think she got pregnant?”

“My daughter is a good girl, and if she says she’s never had sex, then she’s never had sex,” said George Lambert. “Just like the virgin mother gave birth to baby Jesus so many years ago, so too is my daughter a virgin Mary. Of course, I only wish God could have sent just one baby. Eleven is a little much.”

Major Recall of Multiple Condom Brands After Employee Found Poking Holes In Packages

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIGHTON, Mississippi –

Multiple lines of condoms in the Durex line, including Durex Rubbas’ Sheepskin and Durex XXS condoms are being recalled from the market today after an employee was found to have been placing small holes in each package as they went through the assembly line.

Doyle Murphy, 55, had worked for the Durex condom company for over 20 years, and was apparently upset that he was passed over for a promotion for the 4th time.

“It should have been me, goddamnit,” said Murphy, who worked on the assembly line in packaging and shipping. “I’ve been with the company almost as long as that new bastard has been alive, and it’s ridiculous that they passed me over again. If they’re going to be passing me up for kids, then this company better be ready for a whole lot more kids to be born thanks to their product.”

According to security footage, Murphy was seen poking holes with a needle into random condom pouches as they went by his station. Murphy’s job was to gently squeeze each pouch before it was boxed to make sure there was air in the condom, lest someone go to use it and it’s dried out.

“They were supposed to move me off the ‘squeezies’ and into the next department up, which is the testing department. It was my time, I tell you,” said Murphy. The testing department come before packaging, and it is the area where men are required to personally test one out of every one hundred condoms that comes off the production line. “We have to make sure that they’re working, and we have a whole team of people who just have sex all day to test them. It’s my dream job.”

Murphy is being charged with felony tampering, as condoms are considered a medical device. People who use condoms are urged to carefully check the packaging for holes before slipping one on.

Woman Sells Her 2-Year-Old Son On Craigslist To Get Money For Abortion

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Marlene Jones, 23, was arrested for attempting to sell her 2-year-old son Jamal to a couple via Craigslist. Jones says that she needed the money for an abortion.

“Look, I already hads the one kid, and it was too damn much just feeding his ass and shit,” said Jones. “Then I found out that Marques got me pregnant. Or Damien did. Or Leon. Shit, it don’t matter who the baby daddy is. Alls I’m saying is that no one was giving me no $400 to go get rid of the kid, so better to kill two birds with one stone, anyway.”

Jones says that getting pregnant with her son Jamal was also an accident, and it ‘ruined her life.’

“Everyone kept telling me to keep him. They saying stuff like ‘Oh, you don’t want him now, but carry the baby and when he comes out you’ll never love anything more,'” said Jones. “I don’t know why I be listening to dumb bitches. I love plenty of things more. I love my Gucci bag more than Jamal for shit sake. I definitely ain’t about to be having no other one.”

The couple who were planning on purchasing Jamal said that they were “only doing it to help the child,” and see that he didn’t stay in an unwanted home. They are being charged in separate crimes by police.

‘Hobo-ing,’ Pretending To Be Homeless, Latest Trend Among Privileged Youth

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

An odd new trend has been started in high-end and rich cities across the country, and it seems to have started with a group of teens in Beverly Hills. “Hobo-ing,” or sometimes “hoboing,” is what the kids are calling it when they leave their extremely nice homes and mansions, and spend a night on the street begging for change.

“It started out as a mockery of the homeless, because they’re a disgusting, shitty people,” said Brian Jones, 16. “A few of us were out in LA one night, and we saw a homeless man dead on the street. It was sad and pathetic. But, he had a cup full of change, and we realized that pretending to be a bum was an easy way to supplement our incomes.”

Although Jones’ family owns one of the largest construction companies in the United States, worth an estimated $3.9 billion dollars, he says he gets a huge thrill out of pretending to be a bum.

“It’s kind of cool. I don’t shave for a few days, I throw on some old, torn jeans, and I get to hang out in extremely seedy parts of the city,” said Jones. “It’s hilarious, really, because the old jeans I wear when I go out are designer; they cost about $600. It makes me laugh a little whenever I slip them on to go out into the alleys.”

Teens across the country have begun dressing like homeless people and going out, late at night, to pretend to be poor and filthy.

“I have a little bit of a heroin problem now, like a lot of the other homeless people out there, but it’s all good,” said Jones. “I mean, the great thing about pretending to be homeless is that I still have a real bed to go sleep in, and my family can send me to the best rehab. I feel bad for those homeless fucks out there. But hey, I made almost $30 bucks begging the other day. What a damn hoot!”