Obama To Lower Federal Minimum Wage In Light Of Recent State Increases

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Over thirteen states have announced that they will be increasing their minimum wage level starting January 1st, and although that means more money for many people in their paychecks each week, the federal government has stepped in and announced a decrease in the federal minimum wage to balance out the state increases.

“For those of you who currently make minimum wage, which is $7.25 nationally, you will be kept where you are,” said President Obama during a press conference on Wednesday. “Starting January 1st, the federal minimum wage will be lowered to $6.80, which we hope will offset the increase levied by many state governments.”

In places such as California, the minimum wage is as high as $10, but in many states, particularly poorer or low-income states, the minimum wage has always followed the federal levels.

“This is insane, it truly is,” said Mark Jacobs, a fast food worker in Maine who has been out of work since June. “My hours were cut back to the point that I was laid off, but now if I go out to find a job, they don’t have to even pay me $7.25 anymore? At this rate I should just go move to Chicago. There they’re forcing employers to pay fast food workers $12 an hour, the same as their state workers! I’m not going to stay around here for six bucks, that’s for sure.”

President Obama said that this measure will be one of his final major acts as president, signing the new minimum wage levels into law on January 4th, when congress returns from holiday break.

Man Stabbed, Killed With Toy Lightsaber At Showing Of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tom Chris, 32, was reportedly killed after he was in an altercation with another patron at a Regal Cinema location in Los Angeles, police say. Onlookers who gave an account of the event say that Chris, who was dressed as Han Solo while waiting in line to see a matinee of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, was attacked by an unknown assailant in a Kylo Ren costume. The person was able to escape before police arrived.

“Oh man, it was intense,” said Mario Lemming, who waiting in line for a different movie and witnessed the event. “I mean, there they are, two grown-ass men, dressed in costumes like a couple of total fucking nerds, and then the Kylo Ren dude pulls out a lightsaber toy, you know, one of those ones for kids that light up but retract when you stab into something? Yeah, well, his didn’t retract, and it literally went right through that guy. Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day. Sisters, the piece of shit that my wife dragged me to, was horrible.”

Police say that they are combing security footage from the theatre and nearby businesses, but so far, they have no leads as to who was dressed in the Kylo Ren costume.

Tom Chris leaves behind no wife or kids, because clearly, a man dressed as Han Solo at a matinee showing of Star Wars on a Wednesday afternoon does not have a family.

Miss Cleo Diagnosed With Terminal Illness

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Youree Dell Harris, better known as Miss Cleo, has been out of the limelight since her phone service was shut down in 2002. Except for voicing the character of Auntie Poulet in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, her career in the public eye has all but died out. Still, she was beloved by insomniacs who were lulled to sleep by her commercials, and she hopes her fans will donate to her Gofundme campaign.

“I saw it [my illness] in the cards, so it aint no surprise to Auntie Cleo. Of course I thought it’d be the cancer like took me momma, not that damnable lupus. My soul will be at peace with my time on earth as long as I can spend my last days in luxury,” says Harris on her GoFundMe page.

Cleo feels she was cheated by the company who ran her “Call Me Now” phone service, making millions off her likeness. “My destiny in this life was a mansion, not this shithole apartment they got me in now. They cheated me. They cheated my soul. They stole my destiny.”

The Miss Cleo organization was investigated for fraud in the late 90s, and the company she was the spokesman for was forced to shut down.

“Miss Cleo is gonna die? Well hell, ain’t that a bitch,” said one Miss Cleo caller, who was taken for over $3,000 in 1-900 toll charges. “She told me I was going to get very rich someday, and instead, I had to pay out the ass for the calls. They should have called her Miss Clepto the way she screwed everybody.”

Toddler Running With Scissors Accidentally Kills Sister

Posted on December 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOLEDO, Ohio –

A 5-year-old boy didn’t listen when he was told not to run with scissors, or perhaps he was never told. Tragically, the young boy was playing with real, non-safety scissors when accidentally fell into his sister, stabbing her in the face. She bled to death before being discovered later the same day in her toy box.

The mother, Karen Jones, 40, was reportedly heavily intoxicated and lay unconscious in her bedroom before police were finally called by neighbors about the little boy’s incessant screaming.

The neighbor who called police says, “In this neighborhood I’m surprised they didn’t find her with a needle in her arm. Sadly, it isn’t a surprise about that little girl. Kids running with scissors is deadly. More kids are dying from it every day. My little cousin was running with scissors, wasn’t looking, ran right into oncoming traffic.”

Authorities say the little boy will stay with family for now, while the district attorney decides how best to proceed.

Excessive Cleanliness Causes Cancer, Study Finds

Posted on December 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

It’s not just the artificial chemicals they put in the cleaning products that may cause you to get sick. When your body’s bacteria does not build up with a protective layering of grease or an oily repellent with the consistency of soap scum, you’re going to get infected with diseases and viruses. That grease is what shields your body.

“In the old days they believed taking a bath wasn’t good for you. We’ve started to see there actually was a bit of wisdom in that,” said scientist George Rogers. “Bathing too frequently really can cause a host of diseases, up to and including Cancer. Sure you won’t smell like Garnier Fructis or Downy fresh, but that’s better than cancer and chemo.”

According to Rogers’ study, washing is both bad for your complexion and your hair. You become addicted to it and produce more grease to compensate.

“Sure, for a while you will go through an oily phase as your body readjusts. Once your body is back in balance, no one will be able to tell you don’t start your day with a shower,” said Rogers. “Please, for your health and your family’s health, stop bathing immediately.”

High School Girl Shoots Classmate Over Accessories

Posted on December 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

17-year-old shooting suspect Elizabeth Simpson allegedly shot Lyne Pennington in the bathroom at Page Private School in Beverly Hills. The altercation was reportedly over a handbag. Luckily, only one of six shots hit Pennington, but her family says she will be permanently disfigured, and they have retained counsel.

Simpson’s self-proclaimed BFF, Karen Rich, says she does not understand how this could have happened. “It was only a Katie Spaulding bag. I can’t believe she, like, even cared the bitch bought the same one,” said Rich.

Rich also says Simpson and Pennington had a long rivalry over accessories, nail styles, and boys. “Like, I could see them being like, ‘bitch!’ and calling that bitch out, but I can’t believe she took it to that level. I’ve got to find out where she got that gun. It was like, so cute.”

Simpson was released on $25,000 bail, which was paid by her Daddy.

Woman Starts Petition To Burger King To Bring Back ‘Halloween Whoppers,’ Says They Helped Her Lose Weight

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Jenicka Jones says she has eaten nothing but Black, or ‘Halloween Whoppers’ for the last two months and ended up losing 25 pounds. “My theory is there is something in that dye. It makes your poop blue, but it also makes the calories slide on through without hurting you.”

Burger King launched its Black Whopper for Halloween, but it has since been discontinued. When Jones noticed the weight loss she made sure to stock up. “I bought a special freezer for Black Whoppers, filled it all up with them. It’s so convenient. Just pop it in the microwave and I’m good to go.”

Jones says she hopes to be the new “Subway Jerod,” without all the sexual deviancy. “Plus, I’m cheap. All I want is free fast food for life. Maybe they could dye all their buns black. Make a whole line of Jancika’s Weight Loss Sandwiches or something.”

So far, Burger King has not responded to Jones’ request for a year-round Black Whopper.

Police Officer Commended, Promoted For Killing Most Civilians In Calendar Year

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

Charles “Chuck” Jenner has been a Baltimore police officer for just over 5 years, but he says that 2015 has been the “best year of his life” after he was commended and promoted to lieutenant for shooting and killing the most unarmed civilians.

“You see, being a police officer is an extremely tiring and stressful job,” said Jenner in his speech at the police association’s annual Christmas party. “This year, I am so grateful to be honored for my efforts in ridding the streets of Baltimore of as many pieces of human trash possible. It is with great pleasure that I accept my award and promotion for the slaying of over 220 Baltimore dirtbags.”

Cheers erupting from the audience of officers and retired police force members could be heard from around the block, with many residents extremely upset by the police association’s actions.

“It would be one thing if he’d only shot and killed black people, but he also killed a couple white teens, too,” said Baltimore resident Jim Johnson. “I know they were gang bangers and whatever, but come on – they were white. He should have showed a little more tact in those cases. That said, though, ridding the streets of over 200 people? He deserves that commendation.”

“I for one am outraged that these police are out here, killing with no prejudice whatsoever,” said gang member Crypt Keeper Jay. “Yo, I mean, I gotta watch out for these pigs all the time, because they could just come up and shoot me, and that’s some bullshit. Even the white kids aren’t safe out here. It’s enough to make a motherfucker wanna go back to his job at McDonald’s.”

The next officer in line for a promotion, deputy Mark Rumford, killed only 130 people in the line of duty.

“Better luck next year, I guess,” said Rumford.

Japanese Toy Company Releases ‘My First Meat Grinder’ In United States

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

The Hishomoto Toy Company, who are responsible for some of today’s biggest toys, may have hit a new low with their latest release – a meat grinder that has real, working parts and allows children to crush up play-dough, small toys, or their pets.

“We are very excited to release the ‘My First Meat Grinder’ toy for children who want to learn what it’s like to work in a meat packing plant,” said Hishomoto president Miko Hoshi. “Although many parents may find the toy strange, we love to create toys that get children learning while laughing and having fun.”

The toy, which has been on sale in Japan for just under a year, was released to toy store last month, and has been selling extremely well according to the company.

“We expected to move about 10,000 units before Christmas, but as it turns out, we’ve done nearly 200,000 units,” said Hoshi. “We can barely keep up with demand. Parents are extremely happy to buy their children this toy, which teaches a valuable skill that they can use later in life.”

Hoshi says that they have plans to also release ‘My First Chainsaw,’ ‘My First Garden Shears,’ and ‘My First Meth Lab’ as well.

Converse Will Give Free Shoes For Life To Anyone Who Gets Their Logo Tattooed

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

Converse Sneaker Company, the cheap canvas shoes that epitomize lazy, relaxed days and are at the forefront of hipster trend, have announced an exciting deal for anyone who has some free skin and an extreme love of sneakers.

According to Maxwell Converse III, the president of Converse Sneaker Company, anyone who gets the famous Converse All-Star logo tattooed on their body will receive free shoes for life.

“We have always prided ourselves on making a great, comfortable shoe for extremely low cost, and charging an arm and a leg for them,” said Converse. “When my grandfather started this company, he wanted people to be able to look cool, laid back, and yet still have the ability to hit the basketball course at any time. We’ve held to that tradition to this day, and it is now, on the even of our 107th anniversary, that we announce free shoes for life to anyone who tattoos our classic logo on their body.”

Converse III says that anyone who has the logo tattooed can simply walk into a store that sells the All-Star line of Converse shoes, show them the tattoo, and they will be able to walk out with a pair of shoes.

“The caveat is that they must get a shoe in their size,” said Converse. “That way they cannot just get the tattoo and get free shoes for all their friends. This offer does not extend to the custom Converse All-Stars that can be purchased on our website.”

Although extremely uncommon, Converse is not the first company to offer free products or services to their customers in exchange for branded tattoos. Companies like McDonald’s, Target, Cracker Barrel, and Blockbuster Video all offer their customers free or reduced-price products if they show their branded tattoo.