FOX News Mourns Aryan Toddler Found Dead, Ignores Deaths Of African-American Children

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MONROE, Washington –

Megyn Kelly, one of the generic blond news anchors you can find on Fox at all hours of the day or night, teared up recently when reporting on the tragic death of a child, saying, “We here at Fox news are especially sad to report the search for the missing aryan 2-year-old ended in tragedy Friday, as the boy was found dead in a fast-moving creek behind his home.”

Grayson Hill had apparently wandered away from his house around midnight, and was later found by the swim team. They attempted to revive him but were unsuccessful. Because the parents are affluent, the Snohomish County Sheriff’s Office is more included to call it a tragic accident, instead of investigating the parents for neglect.

That week, two black babies were killed in the inner-city by stray bullets, but Fox News did not feel this would be of interest to its Republican, Right-Wing viewers. “You should see the excitement in the newsroom when news of a white missing child breaks. Of course it’s sad, but everyone’s excited for the story,” says former intern, Randy Hansen. “When it’s a black kid though, you can’t even mention it. You’d get laughed right out of the room.”

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs Admits To Killing Notorious BIG

Posted on January 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a recent interview with MTV News, Sean Combs, aka Diddy, admits he and the late Notorious BIG were “frenemies at best.”

“There was a rivalry between us. He’s the one that came up with my name, Puff Daddy. You think I would’ve chosen that weak-ass name for myself? Please,” said Diddy during the interview.

This inspired a rivalry between the two artists, which eventually led to the demise of Biggie Smalls. “I killed him – lyrically that is. After that, Wallace had himself killed so he’d win in the end. Sold a lot of records after that. It was a marketing strategy. Might have worked for a while, but who’s sold more records now, bitch?”

Diddy went on to say insist he was not responsible for the rapper’s death, saying clogged arteries would have killed him soon anyway. “Fattie couldn’t ride the elevator up to the studio without huffing and puffing.”

The MTV News interview will not be aired on their network, per their agreement with advertisers to show nothing but reality TV, but it will be available on their website.

Major Stock Crash Expected in 2016; Experts Say Invest in Commodities

Posted on January 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Stocks are off to their worst start since 2000, and investors a warned they could face a cataclysmic year. Experts at the Royal Bank of Scotland attribute this tensions between Iran and Saudi Arabia.

Don’t have any stocks to sell? Doomsday preparation expects advice to stock up not just on the obvious like food and oil, but commodities like alcohol and cigarettes, prices of which will soar after the price.

Tim McCain, a “doomsday prepper,” says, “It’s all well and good to have jugs of water and cans of Vienna sausages, but you got to think like an investor. What are people going to want? I’m banking on whiskey and condoms. They’re going to want to drown their troubles in their cups and indulge in a cheap whore – cause they’ll be plenty around trying to trade sex for a dozen eggs.”

“No one’s going to want to bring anymore bastard mouths into the world when daddy DHHS stops handing out those food stamps. I expect a condoms will be more in demand than guns,” said financial analyst Billie Joe Lewis. “Anyone who says food is the wave of the future isn’t planning for true catastrophe.”

Major Recall of Multiple Condom Brands After Employee Found Poking Holes In Packages

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIGHTON, Mississippi –

Multiple lines of condoms in the Durex line, including Durex Rubbas’ Sheepskin and Durex XXS condoms are being recalled from the market today after an employee was found to have been placing small holes in each package as they went through the assembly line.

Doyle Murphy, 55, had worked for the Durex condom company for over 20 years, and was apparently upset that he was passed over for a promotion for the 4th time.

“It should have been me, goddamnit,” said Murphy, who worked on the assembly line in packaging and shipping. “I’ve been with the company almost as long as that new bastard has been alive, and it’s ridiculous that they passed me over again. If they’re going to be passing me up for kids, then this company better be ready for a whole lot more kids to be born thanks to their product.”

According to security footage, Murphy was seen poking holes with a needle into random condom pouches as they went by his station. Murphy’s job was to gently squeeze each pouch before it was boxed to make sure there was air in the condom, lest someone go to use it and it’s dried out.

“They were supposed to move me off the ‘squeezies’ and into the next department up, which is the testing department. It was my time, I tell you,” said Murphy. The testing department come before packaging, and it is the area where men are required to personally test one out of every one hundred condoms that comes off the production line. “We have to make sure that they’re working, and we have a whole team of people who just have sex all day to test them. It’s my dream job.”

Murphy is being charged with felony tampering, as condoms are considered a medical device. People who use condoms are urged to carefully check the packaging for holes before slipping one on.

National Garbage Tax Coming In 2016

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Garbage is America’s biggest export, and soon taxpayers will be expected to foot the bill. New measures will include a garbage bag tax, as well as additional taxes on products that exceed a certain amount of packaging, which will be passed along to consumers who buy the products.

Economist Allon Ardon says this will damage the economy. “I’m very concerned about the economic impacts we will see as a result of this new tax. The American economy is based upon being able to throw things away with no second thoughts. People may actually start donating unwanted goods to charity or re-using trash. This could be disastrous.”

Hoarders will benefit from this bill, receiving a tax credit of up to $3,000, with documentation that they are collecting trash.

Ardon says, “They trash isn’t the problem. Exporting it is. We need to get create with managing our garbage.”

Hoarder Bill Willis says that he is now “extremely grateful” for all the junk he’s collected over the years.

“My tax guy says that next year I’ll get a big fat check thanks to all the shit I’ve had socked away all these years,” said Willis. “It’s really something else. I only wish my bitch ex-wife were still around to see me gloat. She told me that my stuff was worthless, we’ll screw you, Debbie!”

Subliminal Messages Found in Beatles Tracks on Spotify

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin –

According to Illuminati watchdogs, Spotify didn’t just release the Beatles back-catalog to make some money, they did it to mess with your mind.

“A subliminal message can be overlain with music so it is inaudible to the conscious mind, but still has an effect on the subconscious,” said professor John Gold at Boston’s Harvard College. “The actual effectiveness of subliminal advertising is in question, but according to conspiracy theorists, that’s just what they want you to think. In fact it is very effective, used in advertisements and propaganda all the time.”

Burnt out old hippie Harry Brown warns, “As tempting as it is to tune in, don’t do it. Big brother just wants to keep you pacified. Think about it. Everyone likes the Beatles. Almost everyone has Spotify. If I was trying to control the population, that’s what I’d do. They just want everyone to be mindless little sheep. But hell no, man. Not me. That’s why I’m sticking with my vinyl, man. Face it, MP3 sound will never be as real. You gotta stay real no matter what you do.”

Spotify did not comment on the Beatles subliminal messaging, but it has been noted that subscriptions to the paid service have gone up substantially since the catalog was released on Christmas eve.

M&M Mars Say They Plan To Release New W&W Candies In 2016

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The M&M-Mars Candy company, who are best known for their little chocolates that “melt in your mouth, not in your hand,” say that they are planning a new line of candies that will be released in 2016, called W&Ws.

“We have been making M&M candies for the better part of 100 years, and we’ve done little to change the product, except to add new things inside,” said company spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Now, we’ve decided that we are going to shake things up, and add an entirely new product to our line. The W&W candies will be very similar to M&Ms, to the point that most people won’t tell or taste a difference. The only thing is, they will be branded with little Ws on each candy.”

Goldsmith says that the new W&W line is something the company has been working on for quite some time, but were waiting for the proper time to reveal.

“We think now, in this day and age, is the time to really push forth, and break new ground,” said Goldsmith. “We’ve always been forward thinkers and M&M, and now we’re going to prove it.”

Company Announces Plans To Release Sex Toys For Children

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DES MOINES, Iowa –

A new startup has announced plans to release a line of sex toys aimed entirely at children, according to the company’s Kickstarter page.

The Lil’ Sexy Tykes Toy Company says that there is a massive, untapped market for children who like to masturbate, and want to experiment with toys and other items.

“Everyone masturbates. Babies in the womb are masturbating. It’s not wrong, and it won’t cause you to go blind or get hair palms, we all know that,” said company CEO Mike List. “We know that even children are masturbating, but we also know that they want to be able to enjoy sex in the same way adults do – although we don’t encourage them to actually experience intercourse, we would like them to enjoy dildos, penis-rings, clamps, and those types of things. Smaller versions, of course.”

List says that he got the idea after he walked in on his 9-year-old son masturbating.

“I had no idea that he even did that sort of thing, or knew how,” said List. “Later, we talked about the Birds and The Bees, as it were, and he confessed he’d been masturbating for over a year. I knew that there were other kids out there, too, who also masturbated, and probably wanted to try new things.”

List’s Kickstarter for his Lil’ Sexy Tykes Toy Company is seeking $30,000 for manufacture and distribution of the toy line.

‘Isis Books and Gifts’ Shop Owner Assaulted for Terrorism

Posted on December 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Karen Charboneau-Harrison, owner of Isis Books and Gifts was taken to the hospital after being assaulted with rotten eggs and rocks in the parking lot. She says she is being mistaken for a terrorist.

Isis is the ancient Egyptian Goddess of Mother Nature, not to be confused with the terrorist group ISIS, which stands for the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria.

After repeated acts of vandalism at her store, Harrison re-branded the store as Goddess Gifts and Books, replacing the sign that vandals had smashed. She thought her troubles were over.

“Since I am not even a person of color, this is particularly surprising to me. I mean, I got myself a tanning package for Christmas, but I’m not out there in a burka. Regardless, that sort of thing shouldn’t matter,” said Harrison. “We need to stop lumping everyone together and making assumptions about people. I own a hippie shop on Colorado. Peace and love man. One look in my store and you’ll know that’s what we’re all about.”

Weatherman Commits Suicide, Blames Depression On Weather Forecasting

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

WABZ Channel 13 in Maine will open a listing for a new meteorologist this week, as seasoned vet Ray Buckley has reportedly committed suicide. While many would think the holidays had gotten him down, as happens with many people each year, it was, in fact, the unpredictable nature of the weather, and the high expectations people place on weather forecasters.

In Buckley’s suicide note he describes the futility of weather prediction.

“It’s a chaotic system, ruled by nonlinear dynamics. You work the differential equations, hoping you’ve input the right data, but soon a ‘trace to 2 inches’ of snow becomes 6-8 inches. God Himself couldn’t predict the damn weather. Then they call you out on it. ‘Thought it was supposed to be sunny this weekend, Ray? Your prediction ruined my picnic!’ I’ve reached my limit. A man can only be told he has an ‘asshole face’ so many times by people who don’t know him before he breaks.”

WABZ says they will have no problem filling the position. Inside sources say Buckley’s performance was less than perky as of late, and they were already looking for a replacement.