‘Frozen’ Superfan Finds Sexual Subliminal Message Hidden in Disney Film

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A self-professed ‘super-fan’ of the Disney film Frozen said that he has found what he believes to be a graphic sexual innuendo hidden in the film in a form of subliminal messaging.

“It was on my 148th viewing of the film when I first noticed that there was something just not quite right in one of the scenes,” said Marcus Snow. “I’ve been watching the movie at least once a day since it came out to own, sometimes even more than once. I love that movie, and there’s no way I could ever ‘Let It Go.'”

Snow says that while watching the movie, he paused it briefly to use the bathroom, and when he came back, he was very surprised at what he saw on his screen.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Snow. “I’ve watched the movie so many times, but I just happened to pause at just the right second. I sat down, and was about to hit play, and my jaw just dropped. I know that Disney is notorious for putting little dirty things into their movies, but this was just beyond what I could have ever imagined being snuck into a children’s movie.”

As Snow mentioned, Disney has been known in the past to sneak adult, or sexual, innuendos into some of their cartoons over the years. Aside from the obvious jokes that go above some younger children’s heads, there have also been instances of real nudity, such as the few frames of a topless woman in the background of the 1977 film The Rescuers, or hidden words, such as SEX spelled out in grass during the film The Lion King.

“This clearly tops the little things they hid or were supposedly found in their older movies,” said Snow. “I’ve been in love with Disney movies since I was three, and I was about 9-years-old when I first noticed that huge, veiny penis on the cover of The Little Mermaid VHS box. I think that this is even dirtier and just almost too extreme. It’s scandalous in my opinion, because this movie is more popular with young kids than Mermaid was, so this has more opportunity to be seen. I just know that it’s mind-boggling that they would resort to such crude, tasteless humor, even if it is only an inside joke among the animators.”

Disney refused to comment on any possible adult innuendos made in Frozen, and continues to deny allegations about discreet references in previous films.

"I couldn't believe what I saw when I paused this scene," said Mark Snow, 'Frozen' super-fan. — “I couldn’t believe what I saw when I paused this scene,” said Marcus Snow, ‘Frozen’ super-fan. “It’s crazy, and disturbing.” [CLICK TO ENLARGE]

Too Fat to Fly? Southwest Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Body Size At Gate

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Angela Baker

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Tired of the person in the next seat having their extra-large love handles spill over into your economy seat? In an attempt to make things more comfortable for everyone, Southwest Airlines has announced they will be installing a ‘Check-Your-Comfort chair at the gate. Similar to the carry-on size check, the new chair will allow customers to see if they will fit in a single seat before they get onto the plane.

The company says that they hope that the seats will help save time and embarrassment for ‘any fatties who can’t afford first class.’ Frequent flyer Gary Weston, a fitness instructor from Tampa, Florida, says he is unsympathetic to obese people looking to fly economy, and thinks the new seats will be a great addition to the flight experience.

“Look fatty, your foopah or your gunt or whatever you want to call it, that shit doesn’t count as a ‘personal item’ unless you can shove it under the seat in front of you, and we know that’s not happening. It’s not the airline’s responsibility to accommodate everyone. Maybe skip a meal and hit the gym, and this wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. Sure, the airline can discreetly pass you a seat-belt extender, but if you’re the size of a damn grizzly bear, you’re should be forced to get a second seat. I don’t want to be squished any more than I have to because you didn’t skip the dessert bar at the Sizzler.”

Flight attendant Monica North, who works for a competing airline, says she wishes her airline would get on board with what Southwest is doing. “It’s embarrassing for everybody when someone doesn’t fit. Some leave the plane in tears so fast they forget their luggage in the overhead department. The last woman who couldn’t get the armrest down refused to get off the plane until security threatened to arrest her for delaying the flight. That Check-Your-Ass thingy they’re doing would save a lot of time for us, and probably spare people’s feelings.”

“So many airline passengers are in complete denial of their girth. With almost 90% of the country considered obese, you’d think people would realize that they might not fit in a seat that’s only 17″ wide. Quite often they get insulted when they are told at the gate they may not fit, and then act like they weren’t warned. Well, now you have the opportunity to see for yourself before you board,” said Southwest representative Mariah Easton. “If [a customer] does not fit comfortably in the Check-Your-Comfort seat, they will be forced purchase a seat upgrade or second seat, whichever they prefer.”

The new seat-check option will be made available for all domestic and international flights starting in February.

Oprah Winfrey Files For Bankruptcy

Posted on January 6, 2015 by Abe Abrams

CHICAGO, Illinois –

One of the most powerful women in show business has reportedly filed for bankruptcy. Oprah Winfrey – who just two years ago was worth an estimated $2.9 billion dollars – is now almost penniless, according to insiders.

“Poor financial decisions, poor political decisions, and now she’s just poor,” said Financial guru Max Manel. ”Her biggest downfall by far is her O Network. Ever since its conception, it’s been a giant money pit. Instead of just admitting failure and moving on, Oprah has been pouring millions more of her own money back in just to keep it on the air.”

“She also has made, multiple times, the poor decision of thinking she could be a political-backing powerhouse,” said analyst Connie Murphy. “Oprah has been wasting millions backing democrats on everything from small, local elections, to almost single-handedly funding both of Barack Obama’s campaigns.”

“She, like many people, really feels a need to be loved by everyone,” said Oprah’s close friend, Mary Williams. “Her self-esteem is horrible. All the expensive gifts she gave away on her talk show were just to get people to like her. Oprah buys people’s love with cash and presents. Until the O Network launched, and immediately bottomed out, she could afford to give out lavish gifts. But because of the complete failure of the network, plus the millions of dollars in cars, boats, trips, and every other ridiculous thing she gave away on TV, she’s just left broke.”

“It’s sad, so sad to watch,” said an anonymous intern at the O Network. “All she does is eat Bon-Bon’s and ice cream. Now that she’s broke, no one returns her phone calls. She watches E! News and sees Beyoncé and Jay-Z at parties with President Obama, and cries because she wasn’t invited, too. So, so sad.”

Oprah reportedly had no public comment on her bankruptcy.

PayPal Hacked, Over $48B Shuffled Between Accounts – Did You Get Any Free Money?

Posted on January 6, 2015 by DvanL

SAN JOSE, California –

If you are one of the estimated 10 million daily users of the online e-commerce service PayPal, internet security experts urge you to immediately check your account.

A security breach, discovered on New Year’s Day and made public on Jan 5th, allowed nearly $48 billion in electronic transactions to be shuffled and redistributed. Most of the transactions were reversals; money paid from individuals to merchants were “bounced back” into their accounts.

“We received about 30 messages from an person known only as ‘RobinHoodPalPayer,” said PayPal spokesperson Althea Thoone. “We originally determined that the messages were a harmless prank. It was only when a few of us in the corporate offices noticed discrepancies within our own, individual PayPal accounts that we realized something much more serious had occurred. Heck, I myself had six identical transactions reversed in one day before it dawned on me that something was wrong. I ended up with an extra $643 in my account!”

So far, investigators say they have no leads. “Whoever ‘RobinHoodPalPayer’ is, his motives seem to be more ‘vigilante’ than criminal, as all of the affected transactions were simple reversals of purchases, and not stolen from any one account,” said Truett. “He, or They, essentially gave people money back they’d already spent by taking it out of corporate and business accounts and putting it back into the accounts of the individual.”

“Unfortunately,” said spokesperson Thoone, “‘RobinHoodPalPayer’ has gathered a kind of ‘urban hero’ status, and we fear the serious nature of the crime is being overlooked. It’s important to remember that billions of dollars have been tampered with. It’s cool to see all this extra money in your account when you login, but you have to remember, you can’t keep it. No matter how badly, or how desperately you want it or need it. That’s not your money, and we need it back.”

PayPal analysts are currently sorting through millions of transactions in an effort to verify and restore users’ account balances. They ask that anyone who has found ‘unexplained money’ in their accounts to contact them immediately at their customer service hotline: 1-(785) 273-0325

“So far, no one has come forward saying they have additional funds in their accounts,” said Truett. “We have noticed, though, an increase in withdrawals to bank accounts. We’re currently looking to see if it is connected to the hacking.”

8 Texas Girls Scouts Arrested In Drug Trafficking Bust

Posted on January 5, 2015 by Abe Abrams

DEL RIO, Texas –

8 girl scouts have been arrested for delivering more than just addicting cookies to homes in Del Rio, Texas. The girls have been accused of working closely with a Mexican drug cartel, delivering cocaine door-to-door in cookie boxes. The names of the girls are being withheld due to their ages, ranging from 12 to 14.

“At this time, we are not sure how long the cartel has been using girl scouts,” said Del Rio Sheriff Wayne Walker. “The truth is, we stumbled on it accidentally when two of the girls delivered a box of cocaine to one of my deputies instead of dropping off the Samoas and Thin Mints he ordered.”

According to Walker, Deputy Johnson received a ¼ kilo of cocaine instead of the boxes of cookies he was expecting.

“We started surveillance of the girls immediately after, and made the bust when we were sure we had the major players. In total we apprehended 8 girl scouts, 6 customers, and one driver. We also recovered a van full of thin mints with each box containing ½ kilo of cocaine, with a total street value of approximately 20 million dollars, plus about $120 in cookies.”

“I’m not sure why the Thin Mints delivered to my house only had a ¼ kilo instead of a ½ kilo of cocaine,” Deputy Johnson said via Skype while on vacation in Aruba. “It’s one of those mysteries we’ll never figure out I guess. The girls have lawyered up, and they’re not talking.”

Girl Scout Spokesperson Sally Smith says that you can’t blame the girls, and that they are just doing their best.

“These girls were obvious troubled youths. The Girl Scouts of America pride themselves of turning troubled girls around to a righteous path, but unfortunately we can’t help everyone,” said Smith. “With the knowledge that these girls had been selling cocaine, though, we have decided to give them their ‘Big Earner’ merit badge, which goes to only the most tenacious girls who are definitely future entrepreneurs!”

76-Year Old Grandmother Arrested For Phone Hacking

Posted on January 4, 2015 by DvanL

PEORIA, Illinois –

Imagine Mavis Thompson’s surprise when on Christmas Eve, two uniformed police officers showed up on the mild-mannered grandmother’s doorstep with a warrant for her arrest.

“I thought the policemen had the wrong address,” said Thompson, “but there was my name right there and in big letters, and the paper said ARREST WARRANT.”

“We had to take her in,” said Officer Mark Macon. “We got several sworn complaints that she was making aggravated, inappropriate, and indecent phone calls which were recorded by other parties.”

Thompson suffers from chronic post nasal drip, accompanied by a persistent, hacking cough. “It’s bad,” she said. “I’ve had it for years and I call the drugstore for my new prescription. The police said that’s how it started. It was that neighbor lady’s daughter who was the ringleader. She’s into the gothic faith that kids are following now – devil worship it looks like to me, with all the black eye makeup.”

Indeed, upon further investigation, it was “that neighbor lady’s daughter,” ‘River O. Darkniss,’ née Louise Hicks, who had concocted a scheme where she and her goth friends filed several complaints, alleging Thompson had made repeated threatening and inappropriate phone calls to different local businesses.

“These kids were cruel,” said Officer Macon. They called up Mrs. Thompson and recorded her voice, and made a prank sound board. They added in her coughing sounds so we’d know it was her. Everybody knows she’s a hacker – I mean a cougher – but this was just plain mean.”

The re-edited sound mash-ups were convincing enough for authorities to seek Thompson’s arrest. The computer whiz kids managed to turn innocent conversation into highly inappropriate language by editing recorded conversations with Thompson.

“I really want something for my throat, *cough* and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back down that way in town there to pick it up; can you do that for me please and get back to me?” was a mild enough question that the teens turned into dirty remarks.

“I really want something to get down in my throat, *cough* I want to get it down there, way back down in my throat, please *cough* really get it in way down in there, *cough cough* I want a pick up, can you do me please, do me, really do me back there, please do me way down back there *cough* in my *cough cough* throat.”

“Things like that were just very inappropriate from an older person,” said Macon, so we started to suspect foul play. “Once we found out what was going on, we released her and arrested the kids.”

“It was terrible, and I’m glad it’s over,” said Thompson. “I don’t use that drug store anymore even though they apologized, but I can’t show my face there. Forgive and forget, and I’m trying, but now I always watch what I say on the phone. I certainly don’t want to pull anymore boners like that.”

Historic Empire State Building Scheduled For Demolition; Americans Shocked, Outraged

Posted on January 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Mayor of New York City, Bill de Blasio, held a press conference this morning with news that stunned loyal residents of the great city and has left much of the rest of the country speechless, as he publicly announced that the iconic 103-story historic landmark Empire State Building would be demolished this summer.

“It is with great dissatisfaction that I stand before you today and give you news of unfortunate circumstances. Yesterday afternoon, our beloved Empire State Building was sold to a group of Saudi Arabian entrepreneurs who, in turn, made the unpopular decision to destroy one of the few great symbols of this wonderful country,” de Blasio announced.

The iconic Fifth Avenue skyscraper was sold to the Dallah-Alireza Group based out of Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, who purchased the Midtown Manhattan building for just over $700 million. CEO of DAG, Khalid Ahmed Al-Kazaz, then issued a statement that the group has made the necessary arrangements with the New York State Board of Historical Preservation, who granted the group the right to do anything they wish with the historic structure.

“We come to you today with bright ideas for a greater tomorrow. Our group has voted to demolish the Empire State Building in order to make way for a state-of-the-art shopping center, filled with wonderful stores including cigar and smoke shops, two Seven-Elevens, and a superb hookah bar. It is time for America to move forward and look to the great future,” Al-Kazaz said. “We are also pleased to share the news that many great stores will have bargains on brand name, knock-off clothing and apparel.”

New York residents, livid with the decision, have taken to the streets of Manhattan with protest. Many carrying signs of anti-smoke shop and convenience store sentiment, as well as catchy Pro-American quotes and phrases. “Let’s Take America Back” one outlandish sign read. Many Americans and New York residents have begun to share petitions via the internet.

The Empire State Building is scheduled for demolition on August 3, 2015.

Mike Tyson To Get Title Shot This February In Comeback Attempt

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Actor, Author, ex-con, cartoon star, and former heavyweight champion of the world Mike Tyson is getting a comeback title shot next month at the ripe old age of 48. Current champ Wladimir Kitschko is putting his three title belts on the line to fight the aging Tyson in what will be sure to be a major pay-for-view event for fans, as well as a big payday for both fighters.

“I mean who the hell is Wladimir Kits…Kitsco…kitty cats, anyway?” asked Mike Tyson to a room of reporters trying desperately to stifle their laughs. ”I had to Google it, ’cause I had no idea who this chump champ was. Boxing needs me, ain’t nobody have to Google Mike Tyson. I’ve got the most recognizable face in sports, maybe the world, and that was even before the face tattoo. I still got it. Shit, I’m not even training for this one. Just watch. I’ll knock his ass down in one punch.”

Insider reports say that the fight could net Tyson a near $5 million payday, win or lose.

“Yeah, you know, I don’t even wanna fight that bad. It’s not that I can’t, I just don’t care. But I do care about that money, baby,” said Tyson. “I need to make it now, and not piss it all away like last time. That cartoon show money isn’t going to come rolling in forever.”

”My man Iron Mike is back, and the world of boxing has suffered in his absence,” said legendary boxing promoter Don King. “No one cares about boxing anymore, all you hear about is the mixed martial arts. It’s sad when two men hugging each other on a mat is more popular than boxing. That’s why me and Mike have come out of retirement. Don’t listen to Mike when he says it’s for the money – heck, after my 70% off the top he won’t have much left anyway. This fight, it’s about pride in the sport. Pride in America. It’s about showing age is just a number and you’re never to old to achieve your dreams. And yeah, okay, it’s about the money too.”

Carbonated Beverages Destroy Ozone Layer, Say Experts

Posted on January 1, 2015 by DvanL

STANFORD, California –

There’s nothing worse than a “flat” soda, but according to experts from California’s Stanford Woods Institute for the Environment, the familiar hiss of a can or bottle when opened translates into increased depletion of the Earth’s protective ozone layer. Holes in the ozone layer mean more exposure to ultraviolet light, which translates into increased risk of sunburn, skin cancer, and heat stroke related injuries.

“Over 2 billion cans and bottles of carbonated beverages are opened worldwide each day, exposing us all to dangerous levels of exposure to ultraviolet light,” says atmospheric expert Dr. Althea Thoone. “It’s fascinating that a simple, everyday act can have such a negative wide-ranging impact; however, small changes in our daily activity will help lessen the danger.”

Thoone’s groundbreaking study is the result of more than five-year’s analysis of university based surveys. The professor chose a university-based population because of the high number of carbonated beverages consumed, as compared against the national average. College and university populations consume carbonated beverages up to seven times greater than the national average.

Besides the environmental hazards, health effects of carbonated beverages – which can contain as much as 12 teaspoons of sugar in a 12-ounce serving – can be measured in increased rates of diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease.

“Obviously fewer cases of heart disease, diabetes and skin cancer mean good news for everyone,” added Thoone. “We must also take into account the negative effects of carbon dioxide released when you burp. Multiply the effects of human digestion by 3 billion, and then apply that to the environment, and you’ve got a huge issue, similar to that of the methane problem we have caused by farting cows.”

Soft drink container recycling also negatively contributes to the thinning of the Earth’s protective layer. Fossil fuels used to transport cans and bottles to recycling plants, not to mention the operation of the plants themselves, produce a domino effect. “If we can reduce our intake of carbonated soft drinks by 10 percent,” says Thoone, “the long range benefits for our planet will be immeasurable, in a good way. Unless we cut back on our consumption, we’re headed for a catastrophe.”

No word yet from soft drink manufacturers who will undoubtedly disagree with reduced soft drink consumption, but for now, you may want keep the sunscreen handy the next time you “pop that top.”

Play-Doh Set Pulled From Shelves After Child Allegedly Assaulted

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Angela Baker

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

Play-Doh is preparing to send thousands of customers replacement “extruder tools” after an onslaught of customer complaints. According to their Facebook page, future sets will include a different tool, although the company did not specifically say what is wrong with the current design.

Many parents are outraged that the Play-Doh Cake Mountain play set was even released, including Cliff Jorgenson of Ogunquit, Maine who says, “You think somewhere along the line, someone would say, this looks a little too much like a huge veiny cock. Let’s find a better design. It isn’t just phallic, it’s a cock.”

Although many were disturbed or amused, at least one family had a much more traumatic experience. A parent, who would like to remain anonymous, said that their daughter was ‘so shaken’ on Christmas morning when she opened her play set and pulled the tool out of the box.

“My daughter loves to bake. We thought she would be so excited when she opened her Play-Doh set on Christmas morning, but she immediately started wailing and became inconsolable. She wouldn’t tell us what was wrong, and we didn’t see the play set pieces at first” said the mother, whose daughter is 7. “Later we found the frosting tool in the trash, and my husband and I were shocked at the resemblance. It looked just like a giant wang. When we asked our daughter about it, she became hysterical again, and we knew something was wrong. A child psychiatrist eventually got her to describe a previous molestation episode, and the shape and orientation of the toy gave her PTSD flashbacks.”

Other details about the case are being kept confidential, as police investigate the alleged assault.

The girl’s father says they are not planning to sue. “It’s not [Play-Doh’s] fault people necessarily. People are sick. I do wish that they’d put a little bit of thought into the design of their product before releasing it though. We’re just happy that we found out when we did, because I also was able to quickly throw out our VHS copy of The Little Mermaid and hide her Mr. Bucket game, because his balls pop out of his mouth. Now on to kill the bastard who hurt my little girl!”