Cher Says She Will ‘Blow Her Brains Out’ If Trump Is Elected

Posted on June 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The singer made the comment Monday evening at a star-studded fundraiser for Hillary Clinton at the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles, less than 24 hours before California holds its primaries.

“When I watch Trump I just want to blow my brains out,” Cher told crowd at the sold-out venue. Sons Elijah Blue Allman and Chaz Bono are begging the public to take their mother’s threat seriously.

“You wouldn’t know it to look at her but Mom is like 70, “said Elijah. “And she is getting a little kooky in her advancing years. She is dead serious about her threat to blow her brains out. When we were kids she’d say, “if you bastards don’t stop yelling I’m going to blow my brains out. Then she would put the glock to her head, and the look in her eye- Well, you could just tell Mom really meant it.”

Cher’s other son Chaz says he will join his mother in blowing his brains out if Trump gets elected president. “What do you want to bet in between all those new tax credits for the rich, he reverses Obama’s transgender bathroom decision? Of course I’m rich so rules like that don’t apply, but you better believe I will blow my brains out in solidarity.”

Child Kills Parents With Axe After They Turn Off Internet As Punishment

Posted on June 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

REGINALD, Maryland –

A 12-year-old boy has been arrested and taken into policy custody for allegedly killing his parents with an axe on Thursday evening.

Caleb Dryer was reportedly upset with his parents after they turned off the home internet when Caleb brought home his final report card with several failing grades.

“Those assholes know I can’t live without Facebook, and it wasn’t fair. If I can’t live without getting online, then they don’t get to live at all,” Caleb reportedly said to police.

So far, officers have not released much information on the murders, except to say that they were “gruesome and shocking.”

Attorney John Frugal, who is representing the state in the case against Caleb, says that his remorseless attitude will very likely land him a life sentence.

Trump Superfan Gets Portrait Tattoo Inside Her Anus

Posted on June 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A Donald Trump superfan has gone to great lengths to both show – and hide – her support for Making America Great Again. Mark Rogers, a tattoo artist in Las Vegas, Nevada, has confirmed that he did tattoo a portrait of the Republican nominee inside the anus of a 29-year-old woman.

“She doesn’t want her name out there, because her family doesn’t know she’s a Trump supporter, so she doesn’t want me to mention her, but I can confirm that I did give her the tattoo, yes,” said Rogers. “I was surprised that a supporter would want his tattoo in their asshole; that seems more like something that someone who hates him would get – at least placement wise, but she said she wanted to keep it a secret.”

Rogers says that in his 20 years of tattooing, it’s not the first time he’s tattooed someone’s anus, but it is the first time he’s done a portrait there.

“It was a long, slow process, but we got a really good likeness, I think,” said Rogers. “For my money, though, I wish I could have done a Clinton portrait instead.”

Woman Says She Got Pregnant After Sitting On Target Store Bathroom Toilet

Posted on June 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JACKMAN, Mississippi –

Roberta Jones, 33, says that she got pregnant a few weeks ago after visiting a local Target store and using their bathroom.

“I saw a man coming out as I was going in, but I didn’t think nothing of it,” said Jones, a cashier at a grocery store. “I thought he musta walked in there by mistake. It’s happened to us all at one point or another. But then when I used the bathroom, I did notice that there was something sticky and nasty on the seat when I sat down. I knew I shoulda hovered.”

Jones says that a few weeks later, she took a home pregnancy test, and it confirmed that she was carrying a baby.

“I haven’t had sex in over a year, and when I thought back about it, I knew it had to be that toilet. I think that man done jerked himself off in there, like a creeper, and left his little babies all over the seat,” said Jones. “Some of ’em must have flowed up in me when I was peeing. It’s nasty. But God says I can’t abort the baby, so here I go again.”

Police say they are working with the Target store security team to review footage and locate the now-expectant father.

Oprah Bashes Donald Trump After He Offers Her Vice President Spot

Posted on June 18, 2016 by A. Michael Smith

If Donald Trump wants to make America great again, he definitely won’t be doing it with Oprah Winfrey. The presumptive Republican presidential nominee has made no secret of Winfrey as a dream running mate, even going so far as to tell ABC’s George Stephanopoulos that if they ran together, they would “win easily.”

Winfrey however, thoroughly quashed any hopes that Donald Trump had that she would join his ticket when she told Jimmy Kimmel on Jimmy Kimmel Live! that her response to a formal offer would be, “Donald, I’m with her!” Her response came after she endorsed presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton in an interview with ET, telling them that “it’s a seminal moment for women.”

“What this says is, there is no ceiling, that ceiling just went boom!” Winfrey said. “It says anything is possible when you can be leader of the free world. I’m with her.”

Winfrey also addressed rumors that she might be headed to the Oval Office in the future, telling Kimmel that she “would never run for office.” She did however, concede that this year’s election reassured her that if she were to run, she would be more than qualified.

“For many years, I used to think — until this election year, I thought — ‘Wow, I have no… Why do people say that? I have no qualifications to run.’ I’m feeling pretty qualified. After this year, I’m feeling really qualified.”

Via enVolve

Rolling Stones Guitarist Proud Dad Of Conjoined Twin Girls

Posted on May 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONDON, England –

Ronnie Wood, guitarist for the Rolling Stones was surprised to find his twin girls are joined at the base of their spine. Although the initial announcement, was, “The girls arrived on 30 May at 22:30 and all are doing brilliantly. The babies are perfect, ” the parents have now announced there are some complications. It is likely the birth defect is due to the advancing ages of Ronnie, 68, and Sally, 38.

Conjoined twins occur once every 200,000 live births, and their survival is anything but assured. Although more male twins conjoin in the womb than female twins, females are three times as likely as males to be born alive.

Wood is a proud dad nonetheless, and says doctors say they are confident the girls will be able to be separated. “Surgery will be bloody expensive. At this rate me and the boys will never stop touring. It’s not that we don’t want to retire. Every time we’re about to call it quits, one of us has something come up.”

Sally says they will not be releasing pictures, as she does not want the girls to be looked at as some oddity. She says they will not be having any more children after the girls.

“I told Ronnie to pull out. He can’t help himself when he gets so hopped up on Viagra and cocaine. And then I find out it’s twins. We’re so blessed to have them, but by the time they’re 10 their dad will likely have passed on.”

You Won’t Believe The Scam That These People Fell For

Posted on May 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

Across the nation people have reported receiving scam calls that falsely suggest they are in trouble with the IRS. In a recent twist to the old scam, that most people would find ludicrous, cons are asking consumers to pay off their debt in iTunes gift cards.

Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine is warning consumers to beware of callers who claim to represent the IRS and ask for payment via iTunes gift cards, after 10 Ohioans recently reported losing between $1,000 and $11,500 to the ploy.

The victims were told to purchase iTunes gift cards, often worth $500 each, to resolve the supposed tax problem. After buying the cards, the victims were instructed to read the numbers on the back of the cards over the phone, and assured that this was a more secure method of payment because they were not giving out their credit card or checking information over the phone. Scammers then drained the cards’ funds, making it nearly impossible for the victims to recover the money.

“Obviously the IRS is not going to call you unexpectedly and demand that you pay off tax debt using an iTunes card,” Attorney General DeWine said. “This is not how the IRS operates. But some people are just dumb. We’re encouraging people with sense to talk to friends, family, and neighbors about this.”

J.K. Rowling: ‘Ron and Hermione Will Divorce In Harry Potter Sequel’

Posted on May 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONDON, England –

Harry Potter fans are shocked by JK Rowling’s announcement that Ron and Hermione divorce in the new book. The official sequel, Harry Potter and The Cursed Child, focuses on Potter’s child, Albus Severus. It will be released as both a play and a book on July 31st.

Harry Potter is now “an overworked employee of the Ministry of Magic, a husband and father of three school-age children. Although the focus is on the Potter family, Ron and Hermoine rejoin the hero to fight the forces of evil, while going through a heated divorce and custody battle.”

“I rushed the ending a bit, didn’t think through the epilogue, and now I have some major regrets,” says Rowling. In the epilogue to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which is set 19 years later, it’s revealed that Harry married Ginny Weasley, Ron’s sister, and they have three children. Ron and Hermione have two kids together. The author says, “Hermione and Ron should have never ended up together. Opposites may attract, but it usually doesn’t last. I will be undoing a great injustice to the characters and fans.”

Conservative Christian groups have announced their plans to continue to boycott the books based on moral grounds. Harry Potter Fanclub member, Kelly Slater says she feels the new developments are true to life. “Ron leaves Hermione for some younger, hotter bitch. Kids need to learn that it happens in the wizarding world and it happens in real life.”

11-Year-Old Boy Accidentally Kills Mother With Mushrooms; Sentenced To Death Penalty

Posted on May 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FREEMONT, Nevada –

Jackson Russell says he was just trying to surprise his mother with breakfast in bed when he accidentally served her death cap mushrooms. This variety of mushrooms has a similar look to wild edible mushrooms, but as much as half a cap has enough poison to kill an adult.

“I was just making her a breakfast to make her happy. I did not try to poison her,” said Russell. “The mushrooms came from the outside, near the barn. I got ’em when I was getting eggs from the chickens.”

Four hours later, Russell’s mother, Katrina, was hospitalized after she experienced nausea, vomiting, cramps, and diarrhea, which normally pass after the irritant had been expelled. She thought she was feeling better and was discharged from the emergency room, but hours later she died.

Jackson Russell was taken into police custody, and was charged in the death of his mother. Normally an accidental death would not form a stern punishment in the case of a young child, but the harsh judge delivered a strict verdict, and sentence Russell to the death penalty.

“I am so sorry that I hurt mommy, but I didn’t mean it,” said Russell in the courtroom. “The judge says I was too bad, though, so I have to go live where Daddy used to live, and then they’re going to give me a shot in a few months. I’m sad about that, too. I hate shots.”

Simon Cowell Reveals He Has Lung Cancer; Plans To Bring Back ‘American Idol’

Posted on May 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Simon Cowell, the 56-year-old television mogul was recently diagnosed with stage one squamous cell carcinoma, a form of lung cancer that makes up a quarter of the cases.

Although Cowell is most recognized as a judge on American Idol and Britain’s Got Talent he is also a entrepreneur, philanthropist, film, record, and television producer. Due to the diagnosis it is expected he will fulfill his obligations but have to turn down new commitments.

Recently Cowell rejoined American Idol after a break. “As much as I like being on a music show, it does get a bit tedious when it’s just singer after singer after singer, but I will be continuing even through chemotherapy and radiation,” Cowell told New York Times in a recent interview. “I’m lucky they caught it at this stage. Perhaps I will be a little more blunt, if you can imagine it, but this will not affect my ability to judge the show.”

Often times lung cancers are not caught until it is too late, as tumors have ample opportunity to grow in the lungs before becoming apparent, and initial symptoms are usually minor and ignored or attributed to something else. Cowell says the return to the show may have saved his life. “I had a bit of a cough that wouldn’t go away. The crew insisted I get a full work up. That’s when they found the mass.”

Cowell’s girlfriend Lauren Silverman and son Eric are encouraging Cowell to quit smoking cigarettes, a challenge that is proving tough for Cowell.

“It’s well known I have a bit of a temper, but who wouldn’t dealing with the idiots I have to? Cigarettes are the only bloody thing that calms me down.” As a judge, Cowell often makes blunt and controversial comments, including insults and wisecracks about contestants and their abilities. Scorned past contestants are cheering for the cancerous growth, calling it karma.