Teen Gets Senior Pictures Taken At City Dump

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLESTON, South Carolina –

After a teen recently made headlines for getting her senior pictures taken, unironically, in a Taco Bell, a South Carolina high school student said she would “not be out done,” and went viral after she had pictures taken at her local city dump.

Arlene Mitchell, 17, of Charleston, said she was “inspired” by the teen who took her senior pictures at Taco Bell, but knew that it was all just a marketing ploy.

“To be honest, the pictures were crap. They were garbage, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they were paid for by Taco Bell, who has gotten tons of publicity out of this,” said Mitchell. “The more I started thinking about it, the more it pissed me off that someone was getting famous for taking pictures of themselves in the garbage dump of fast food restaurants. So that got me thinking…”

Mitchell says that she enlisted her father, professional photographer Joe Mitchell, to take pictures of her at a local city dump.

“It was a super hot day at the beginning of the month,” said Joe Mitchell, 34, best known for his work of taking photos of food at for the menus at a local Chinese restaurant. “We were out there for about 6 hours, taking all sorts of pictures of Arlene in with the trash. It smelled just horrid. It was probably exactly what it was like for that girl who took her pictures at Taco Bell. Except, of course, neither Arlene or I were struck with severe cases of the blow-shits after our shoot.”

Arelene says that she is very happy with the way that her photos turned out, but hasn’t yet decided which to choose.

“Frankly, it’s a toss up between the one of me sitting inside of a tire, holding a used condom in my mouth and pretending to jab a dirty needle in my arm, or the one where I’m standing next to some dirty baby diapers, holding my nose, and making an ‘ew’ face.”

When asked what message she was trying to send with her photo shoot, Arlene said she didn’t have one.

“I don’t give a shit about messages. I just think Taco Bell is a shitty place to eat. I could have gotten a better meal at the dump.”

Robert Englund Signs On To Reprise Role as Freddy In ‘Nightmare On Elm Street’ Reboot

Posted on August 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The internet has been abuzz this week with news of New Line Cinema’s reboot of the famous Nightmare on Elm Street series, but one common thread among fans was that they desperately wanted to see horror icon Robert Englund return to reprise the role. According to reports coming directly from New Line Cinema, there is reason for fans to rejoice. Englund has reportedly signed on for a 3-picture deal to return to the silver screen as Freddy Krueger.

“We are so glad that Robert will be back to play Freddy,” said New Line CEO Bob Whomever. “In 2010, we made a new Nightmare film starring someone…I don’t even remember who, but the gist is, fans hated it. They hated him, and they wanted Robert back behind the makeup. Thankfully, that’s not even necessary anymore, as Robert is pushing 80 or whatever, and frankly, he looks just like Kruger did even without the makeup. It’s going to be great.”

Fans have already been rabidly posting to social media websites to show their support for New Line’s wise decision in bringing back their star.

“Frankly, I was pretty well bullshit when I saw that they were rebooting the series again,” said horror fan Ricky Shore. “I mean, the remake sucked, and it is best left forgotten. Technically speaking, even the original isn’t that great, but I have fond memories of it, and I don’t need it to be ruined by Hollywood. They’ve fucked up enough of my childhood, thank you very much.”

In a year filled with sequels, reboots, re-hashings, spin-offs, prequels, and TV shows turned cinema staples, it’s no wonder that New Line is cashing in on the only franchise to over make them real studio money.

“We are so excited to get underway with this project,” said Whomever. “We don’t have a script or a story idea or any of that, but it really doesn’t matter. Wes [Craven] isn’t coming back anyway, and he was the real voice of this series, so we’re just going to pump out some shit, and we know you’ll go see it, and we thank you in advance for it.”

“Frankly, I’m just glad to be doing a film that won’t go straight to DVD,” said Englund, 68. “Its been really hard for me to shake my legacy, to ditch that Freddy character. I’ve done hundreds of films, and they’ve all been pretty well useless, except for this series. Thank God for Nightmare, really. It’s kept me feeling important and useful for all these years, and the fans are just perfect. Here’s hoping that we don’t fuck this up, but if we do, blame New Line. It was there stupid idea in the first place.”

Charlie Sheen Praised As Hero After Saving Prized Family Possession From Fire

Posted on July 22, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Neighbors of outspoken, controversial and unpredictable actor Charlie Sheen are calling him a “hero” after he heard a 10-year-old girl crying for her “giraffe” and ran into the neighbors burning bamboo hut and within seconds emerged with little Katie Edenstein’s pygmy giraffe, a rare miniature giraffe which typically only grows to be five-inches tall.

Paul Edenstein, the girl’s father says he had been grilling shark in the family’s backyard located next door to Sheen on Mulholland Drive in Beverly Hills, and went in the house for a brief period, “I had just throw some shark on the grill and I ran inside, for maybe two minutes to get some seasoned salt, when I came back out, I saw the hut completely engulfed in flames, I ran and grabbed Katie, and was shocked when Charlie came running out from the flames with Bernie, her pet pygmy giraffe.” Edenstein told a reporter from the Beverly Hills Ledger. “It was the craziest sight, imagine seeing that. He is a hero,” the father added.

Sheen, who was later seen at a coffee shop downtown, was stopped by a paparazzo and asked about the incident, “Yeah! A little giraffe, it’s all good, crazy Uncle Charlie was jacked up and raring to go, it’s cool man. I’m glad the little guy is okay, I want one now.” Sheen said before getting in his Bentley and driving away, and coincidentally was pulled over for speeding right afterward. Maxwell Roundtree, the paparazzo rushed up to Sheen’s car to ask why he was pulled over, “Oh, you know, running in and out of flaming bamboo huts with mini giraffes, drinking a lot of coffee, I guess I got jacked up and going too fast as always, it’s all good though bro!” Sheen answered happily.

Man Sells Heart To Pay Rent

Posted on July 19, 2015 by JP

CLEVELAND, Ohio-

A local resident of Cleveland has passed away today after responding to a strange Craigslist post months ago. The post has recently been taking down by police, but they report they have a man in custody they believe is tied to the death of James Grace, 27.

According to police reports, approximately six months ago, Grace responded to a Craigslist ad claiming to pay top dollar for a human heart. Long, detailed emails transpired, and police were led to question the ad’s poster, Henry James. In his emails, James explains that he would pay $750 for Grace’s heart. In the correspondence, Grace asked several times if the procedure was safe, and claimed he needed the money to make rent that month.

Grace was found dead in his on apartment, with a large scar that had been stitched up over his rib cage. James is in custody, but lawyers are claiming that the entire ad was obviously a gag, and that Grace was just a “goddamned idiot.”

“Mr. Grace cut out his own heart, and even managed to stitch himself back up a bit before he died,” said Bill S. Preston, Esq., James’ attorney. “Frankly, it is a medical marvel that he was able to do that. I guess it was like when you cut off a chicken’s head, and they run around for a bit. Anyway, Mr. Grace was clearly retarded, in that he thought he might be able to live without his heart. Sorry, but that’s just not our fucking problem. Case closed.”

Currently, James is being held in the Cleveland County jail. He is being held on $20,000 bail. His lawyer says that he will place an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone will sell their body parts and donate the money to their legal fund.

Dad Arrested For Accidently Sending His Daughter A Picture Of His Penis

Posted on July 14, 2015 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

A father of 3 is facing jail time for indecency after accidentally sending his daughter a picture that was meant to go to a female friend.

James Osborne, age 36, sent a picture of his erect penis to his 14-year-old daughter and, after she told her mother, Osborne was arrested and questioned by local police. Osborne has been divorced to his wife for 7 years, but says he still plays a “big, thick part” in their lives. He told police he was unaware that he even made the “silly, veiny” mistake until he was arrested, and claims if his daughter came to him first he could have explained the gaffe.

“It was just a mix-up. This kind of thing happens all the time, really. I mean, my wife divorced me because she found a whole cache of images I had mistakenly texted to my secretary when I meant to text them to her. They had the same name, though, so it was really not my fault. That’s what happened here, too – my daughter’s name is Kelly, and the woman I am seeing is also named Kelly, so it was really just a mistake. A simple boner, if you will,” said Osborne. “It’s really my bitch ex-wife’s fault that everything is just getting so damn hard for me now.”

“This will teach him to take dick pics for every tramp he meets,” said Osborne’s ex-wife, Nancy. “Sadly, we’re going to be paying for Kelly’s therapy for quite some time. I don’t think she’s bound to just get over this any time soon. Hopefully this will teach the bastard to stick to taking pictures of his meals for Instagram, and not that sad excuse for a penis.”

Local police say that “insext” crimes are looked at just as seriously as actual incest crimes, and that this is the 34th case they’ve had of a parent texting images of their genitals to their children this month.

Postal Worker Fired After Putting His Own Feces In Mailboxes

Posted on July 9, 2015 by JP

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

If you live in the Lexington-Fayette area and notice a strange smell coming from your mailbox, don’t attempt to get your mail. A mailman in the area has reportedly been arrested this week after being caught placing his own feces into several mailboxes on his normal route.

Peter Hill, age 45, was caught red-handed by a fellow mailman as he placed human excrement into a mailbox. Chief postal clerk Marion Dunn said she was completely taken aback when she saw Hill putting feces into mailboxes.

“The USPS had asked me to follow him, secretly, on his route one day,” said Dunn. “I did, and we didn’t make it past one house before [Hill] was squatting down, shitting on the ground, and then scooping it up and placing it in the mailbox. I followed him all day, and he did the same thing at 46 houses. To be honest, it was quite a feat. I know I can’t crap on demand like that.”

Hill tells Empire News that he wouldn’t change any of it, and would continue shitting in mailboxes even though he no longer works for the USPS.

“I don’t regret what I did at all, and to be honest I’m glad that I was arrested. It will give me plenty of free time to build up a bulk supply of feces. I was placing my poop in certain mailboxes of people I didn’t enjoy giving mail to. Some of the people left their dogs roam free and I would get attacked on the regular. Others would just do things that irked me like having messy front yards. I had to send a message, and I feel my message came across perfectly – you treat the mailman like shit, you get that right back in return,” said Hill

Man Is Given Sight For First Time In His Life; Claims It Is ‘Too Bright’

Posted on July 5, 2015 by JP

BUFFALO, New York –

After 26 years, a man is given a gift he hasn’t ever had in his entire life. Scott Bruce was born legally blind, and after a surgery was done Tuesday evening, doctors gave him the ability to finally see what the world looks like. It was a new procedure for fixing blindness in people like Bruce who have never been able to see, and doctors were only giving a five percent chance of the surgery even working.

Surgeons in Buffalo were blown away when it actually took but weren’t very happy with how Bruce reacted to his new vision. Apparently he began to complain immediately after the bandages were taken off about how bright everything was and asked if the doctors could place the bandages back on.

“We were excited that he was able to see for he first time in his life, I just wish he was excited as us,” said Doctor Paul Spratt

Bruce has told us that he intends to give a few days of sight but if he doesn’t adjust then he would like to go under the needle again and remove his vision.

“I don’t know how people do it, everything was so bright and it gave me a headache. The sun, lights, television, all of it was way too much to take in, and to be honest, I’d prefer no sight at all over this,” said Bruce.

Doctor Spratt has told us that he will refuse to do the surgery if Bruce does not want to keep his vision, and suggests to his patient to appreciate the fact that he has his sight for the first time.

“Screw him,” said Bruce. “If he won’t do the surgery to reverse this, I’ll literally stab out my goddamn eyes.”

Georgia Man Dies After Triggering Booby Trap He Rigged In His Own Home

Posted on July 5, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

SAVANNAH, Georgia –

In an extremely gruesome and horrific scene, the body of Ernest Gaylord Michelberger, 67, of Savannah, Georgia was discovered severed in half near the waist earlier this week in his home where he lived alone.

Michelberger’s son, Gunner Michelberger, found his deceased father in a state that Savannah Poilice Department spokesperson Melinda Yarberry described as grotesquely bizarre. “After a thorough investigation of the scene and interviewing family members, cause of death has officially been ruled an accident by way of booby trap,” Yarberry said.

Gunner Michelberger said that his father had grown more and more paranoid over the years because of minorities moving into his neighborhood.

“My Daddy was not a racist, and he surely didn’t raise his kids to be a racist, but the fear of getting the house broken into and being robbed grew stronger and stronger. He bought a bunch of guns and learned how to rig booby traps from some book he had,” the younger Michelberger said.

The contraption constructed by the elder Michelberger consisted of an elaborate system of levers, pullies, and two chainsaws, which had push-button starters installed on them.

Yarberry, who held a small press briefing to discuss and answer questions regarding the towns police activities over the past week, made very adamantly that the death of Mr. Michelberger was a wake up call. “Over the years in the state of Georgia, more and more people are injured by booby traps they’ve created themselves. Installing any kind of booby trap is strictly prohibited by law in the state of Georgia. Things likes this happen when people start getting paranoid,” she said.

FOX News Announces Merger With Comedy Central

Posted on May 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Fox News has announced a shock merger with Comedy Central, saying that the comedy channel gets most of their laughs out of Fox anyway. For years, Jon Stewart’s Daily Show has been using gaffes from the right-wing news outlet as satire, and many of the sitcoms also get their ridiculous situations from real events which have happened on the Fox News set, leading to them being considered Comedy Central’s “feeder” channel.

“We are very pleased that this partnership will finally be made official,” Fox News CEO Roger Ailes wrote in a press release. “There’s been a lot of speculation over the years, and a lot of hurt feelings when our channels have been at odds – especially when Comedy Central has not credited our reporters for their content. Now those differences can finally be put to rest.”

Jon Stewart, who has based much of his show on blasting Fox News’s biased coverage, has responded to the news by expressing his disappointed that this is only happening now that he is leaving.

“I have had some fun times working with the clowns from Fox News,” he said soberly on his Daily Show. “Many of the best episodes involved in-house interviews with characters like Bill O’Reilly. I feel I’ve really missed out.”

Doug Herzog, the president of Viacom Media Networks who own Comedy Central, expressed his delight at the long-awaited merger.

“It’s been a dream of ours for many years,” he said. “Operations will be much smoother now that our biggest allies are openly working on our side. Both Fox News and Comedy Central will maintain a level of separateness, but now fake news such as The Daily Show will be part of the Fox News branch, and Fox and Friends, which doesn’t even pretend to be news, will be part of the Comedy Central branch.”

Man Gets Botox Injections In Penis To Achieve Permanent Erection

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WATERVILLE, Maine –

A Maine man recently began making headlines in the medical world, as Anthony Nature, 28, recently convinced his plastic surgeon to inject Botox into his penis and testicles, causing him to have an erection at all times.

“Mr. Nature has visited me a number of times in the last few years,” said Dr. Carrie Pooler, plastic surgeon at Augusta Health Center. “Tummy tucks, a couple gluteus injections, and now, for the Botox penis injections. This is the first time that anyone has ever asked for this procedure, but I am confident that after Mr. Nature gets the word out, it won’t be the last.”

Nature says that he has never been happier with the results of one of his surgeries.

“I always had a penis that was just average, maybe slightly above average,” said Nature. “Plus, because of my addiction to movie theatre popcorn, I had really bad erectile dysfunction. What I wanted was a bigger, harder penis – longer, not really fuller. Not much, anyway. So I decided that I needed to have the Botox injections into my scrotum and penis. Now I’m erect all the time, and ready to go! The women I sleep with, they’ll never see me soft, so they’ll never know how tiny it is…or was!”

Dr. Pooler says that the Botox, which is actually a poison, will pull the loose skin of Nature’s penis and scrotum back, making the penis appear larger and the scrotum smaller.

“Basically his ol’ bait ‘n’ tackle is looking good, and he’s definitely ready to go,” said Dr. Pooler. “We have a date tonight, actually.”

Nature says that he is extremely happy with his new life, and the constant headaches and difficulty urinating are “totally worth it” in exchange for his newfound giant erection.